Can you believe it???

[PaintedPromiseRanch]

we were invited to my in-laws for Christmas dinner...

i really dislike going there, they don't understand our lifestyle and are extremely hypocritical... but it's my husband's family and to be supportive of him i go when he wants to, he has been very hurt by their continued inclusion of his ex in their family. all he has ever asked is that if they want to stay friends with her that's fine, do it on their own time, not on family time. when HE is there, SHE should not be. they have done a very poor job of honoring that over the years and consequently we don't attend many family functions any more. and they like to blame it on me, they say come on you are a bigger person than that... well it's not me, it's THEIR SON. i could care less about this person, she was out of the picture before i came along and my husband and i have a wonderful relationship, but he does not want her there when he is there and I SUPPORT HIM... they know that we will come if she is not there... so the choice is up to them. and a lot of times we bow out so that she can be there with them if that is their choice, we have been very cooperative about it. (and it's not that they have to stay in touch with her because of their grandkids, WE have custody of them!!!)

:

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so they invited us for Christmas dinner, i even asked him will the ex be there, he said they know better than that... well we were just sitting down to dinner tonight when GUESS WHO shows up... and proceeds to sit down at the dinner table and eat with us all. we choked down the rest of our dinner as fast as we could and left. the hardest part for him i think is that neither his sister's ex-husband nor his brother's ex-wife is ever invited or even talked about nicely, he is the only one that is stabbed in the back like this. if they had told him she was invited we wouldn't have made the hour drive to their house and he wouldn't have been hurt - AGAIN!!!

under the word hypocrite in the dictionary is a picture of his mother...

i told him on the way home, if he wants to burn his bridges, i would be proud to light the match... he said he doesn't need to, they already did it. after 7 years of trying i think he has finally given up. he is so hurt that they care so little for his feelings, it breaks my heart. he even said it's too bad he doesn't drink, he could really tie one on tonight. i could see the tears in his eyes in the passing headlights... i feel so helpless...

how can a mother do that to her child?????????

 

[crponies]

Wow, I cannot imagine what they are thinking to do this to him over and over again. I'm sorry they are being so rude and hurtful. :no: The ex. has got to know what she is doing to. How can she be comfortable in these situations? Did they have children together and she is coming so she has a chance to see them?

 

[nootka]

I'm the wrong person to ask about how a mother can do that to her child b/c my mother did things like that and far worse, but the real problem is why they want to keep causing this anguish to their son.

He needs to tell them what they are doing that is wrong and spell it out for them. In print and face to face, if necessary. Explain that he's unwilling to attend events where she is invited for numerous reasons, and for them to purposely set up events where you will both be there is disrespectful. They can do what they want with their time, but that if they want to visit, they can come to his house and they should know that she is not invited at all.

I"m sorry for this betrayal. I myself, would hope I would never do such a thing to my loved ones.

NO wonder so many hate the holidays. People have to find ways to exploit others and cause distress and for what?

Liz M.

 

[Robin1]

What does your husbands siblings think of all this? Why don't they tell mom and dad to find a new friend so their brother and his family can come and enjoy family gatherings.

I think , for a time anyway, the only way they would see their grandchildren is to visit at your house. Maybe they would get the idea.

:

Robin

 

[lilhorseladie]

OK OK, I admit mom is wrong, but what the heck is wrong with the ex? Is she just vendictive enough to go to a family gather in which she does not belong? Do they have kids is that the reason? My husband did this to me one time and only one time...our first fourth of july. He invited his first wife and son to a bar b q. Well, We live in the family home where hubby grew up, and this wife had lived here with the family as a child. She commenced to come into my home and criticize and take it over. From that point on, I met the woman at the door. She wanted to just walk in and go straight to her sons room. UH uh, not in my house lady. The I went on to paint and remodle MY home and make it MINE! I can be civil, I can be nice, but I do not have to allow her to run my turf. I can see why your husband is hurt. Apparently the parents do not think he is speaking for himself when he states his oppinion. What a hurtful thing to do, but I personally think that woman likes to twist the knife! I am sorry for the hurt to you and your husband. I hope for the sake of family ties this mess can be fixed.

 

[PaintedPromiseRanch]

thanks guys, yes they do have kids together but that is not the issue, her being able to see them, in fact we had our Christimas with the kids on saturday so they could go to grandma's and spend time with the rest of their family and their mom Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (and my girls went to their dad...)

as for the siblings HA! you will not believe this, there is a lot more to the story... the ex-wife is actually living in the same house with the brother and his wife, they are roommates.

they all just for some reason seem to want to hang out with her... and that is what surprises me the most because these are the people that told me themselves that this woman is an unfit mother, when the boys were very young they NEVER left her alone with them, and early on his mother sat there and cried and told me that this woman blamed their divorce on her being an interfering mother-in-law and they were so happy he had me now... but now they blame us not coming around on me.

by the way this woman is an orphan from a few months old, Korean, he met her over there while he was in the service and fought for a year after he came home to bring her here, to marry her and give her a better life. she was never happy, always wanting more and more STUFF, he worked his you-know-what off to give her everything she wanted, and another weird thing is that back then when he wanted to go to family holiday gatherings she always wanted them to stay home, just the 4 of them, that was the "family" to her and not all the in-laws.. then when the boys were 6 and 8 several of her friends left their husbands and were always partying, she wanted to go out to the bars with them and he would not go party, after work he wanted to be home with his kids and not out with a bunch of drunks in a smoke-filled room... so she also filed for divorce - and left the kids when she left him, after all they would have cramped her fun... in fact she told him that if she could keep the $10,000 diamond ring he had just given her for their 10th anniversary, she would give him custody of the kids (as long as she only had to pay for their insurance and no child support...) he did whatever she asked so he could keep the kids, including quitting his 6-figure income job because it was nights and weekends and now he needed to be home with them. and of course the new job did not pay near that much. and now, that she chose to leave and is no longer part of the family, she is always around. go figure... actually i think it's "grass is greener", after she found out he was with me, she tried to get him back... but it was too late! he knows a good thing when he's got one

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on the one hand i feel sorry for her, knowing her childhood i am sure she never learned how to love, she certainly does not love her kids, simply tries to buy their affection and unfortunately succeeds... trips to Disneyland etc., computers and huge TVs and stereo systems and game-boys and ipods and you name it, whatever they ask for they get it from her. but her childhood is no excuse for the torture she puts everyone else through...

and i have to tell you my husband is a saint where she is concerned, he vents to me but never to the boys and never in front of them, he is proud to say that when they grow up they will never be able to look back and say my dad was always bad-mouthing my mom (even though if he did it would all be true!!) he's a better person than i could ever hope to be...

and he HAS told his parents how he feels, so many times we can't even count, we have talked to the siblings too, until we are blue in the face... when the brother was planning to have her move in to help with expenses so they could afford to buy this house, my husband told him what to expect, and in less than a year the brother was saying you were right, i have to get that b*tch out of my house, i am going to kick her out... well that was 9 months agon and she is STILL there. some people will do anything for money i guess.

well thanks for letting me vent, i would LOVE to say something to her and to the parents and the siblings but my husband does not want me to, he says just walk away, they are not worth it, and it would cause the boys to resent me... he is done. his family didn't just burn the bridge, they blew it to smithereens...

 

[FoRebel]

:no: Sorry to hear about how your in-law's are acting. I don't understand the theory behind welcoming the ex-wife and driving the son off. It just doesn't make sense. I have seen a lot of families do this though. Especially if they LOVE the ex. I, personally, would write a letter or email to the siblings and the parents telling them because of their actions with the Christmas holiday and inviting her to the table that you guys will no longer be taking part in the holiday festivities with them. I think maybe a certified letter and spell it all out for them would be good. At least that way they can't say that they don't know why your hubby refuses to be there. If I were him, I would also make it VERY clear that it isn't you talking and this is HIM. He is the one divorced from the woman. He is the one with the decisions about the kids (even if you help him make those decisions).

I'm so sorry to hear that his family doesn't think very much of him and doesn't respect him like they should. It's a horrible thing to go through at the holidays!

: :no:

 

[Reble]

You and your husband are 100% correct, Christmas Day is a day for family, they are divorced, than she has only rights to the children not the rest of the family. That is your husbands family & yours now. It is not easy but next year invite his family for your Christmas Day maybe the Sunday before.

Bless your New Year 2007

 

[MyBarakah]

:saludando: Hi!

Well.......... That is just MORALLY WRONG!!!!!!!!! His side of the family is REALLY screwed up! He is right in saying "just walk away"!! It does no good to say anything to them!!

Luckily your husband has a good head on his shoulders and seems to be the only one in his family!! And sounds like you are a good balance for him!!

Yeah....... That is a VERY hard/FUSTRATING situation!

Being divorced mom of 2 single boys (6 & 9)...... I can deffinately feel where you are coming from.

I get along (for the kids) with my X. He has never dated or found anyone else ( I don't know how anyone would ever put up with him either! lol)..... and nor have I ever dated or found anyone else (and has been almost 3 years).... But where I work full time and am SO beasy taking care of my minis and my X only takes them for a day n' 1/2 once a month...... It's a RAREITY that I ever get out! lol! Which is not a bad thing either! lol!

So I do not have that stuff to deal with (and don't look forward to that time if it ever comes when my X gets remarried!)........ Yuck!

But I do know about the grandparents interferring! I HATED my childhood! Very difficult growing up....

And where I live just a mile down the road from my mom and step-dad and work full time for my step-dad.. and putting up with the B.S. that I shouldn't have too.......... but it does NO GOOD to say a word about it! Because for one they are "alfa" type people who like to feel like they are in control!!

So I just go about my business, and if I know they would not approve of something I am planning on doing (like aquiring another mini or what not!)......... I don't need to put myself threw that crap, I'm old enough to make my own decisions, even though I feel like I'm 18 again by the way I am treated allot of times..... and my mom LOVES to tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing with raising my kids and how I've done this wrong and that wrong! Very negative!! So I've learned to let most stuff go in one ear and out the other and try to not take it personal and know that it's "them" not me!!

I will have to say after living here and being on my own now for alost 3 years...... that my parents have mellowed out a "little" bit...... since I haven't "FAILED"....... yet! lol!

I'm a VERY DETERMINED person, and if there's a road block in front of me to get to my goals... I then find another way around it to get to what I wanted to get accomplished!! Seems to be how my whole life has been! lol! But has made me a better person!

But to sum this all up...... I think to handle these types of people & situation...... you have to be strong willed or learn to get strong and not let it effect you! Which takes some practice!!!

But will make you a better/loving person in the long run!!!

 

[iluvwalkers]

SORRY TO HEAR THIS HAPPENED. I WILL NOT ADD A COMMENT BECAUSE I THINK THIS IS VERY PERSONAL AND I DON'T KNOW THE PEOPLE OR ALL THE DETAILS. I JUST KNOW YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND ARE REALLY HURT AND I HOPE YOU FIND A WAY THROUGH THIS MESS

. NIKKI

 

[minimama]

I don't know how they can do that, but if I were speaking to my mother in law I could call her up and ask her for you.

:

 

[AJ]

Simple answer --- She is a mother and NOT a MOM....

 

[CAM]

We have a problem with my mother that although different in circumstance, still brings the same feelings to mind. Just recently I told her, very calmly, that she has now hurt my children and I will no longer allow that to happen so she is not going to be allowed into any aspect of my life or theirs. She has made her choices and those choices don't fare well for my family so she can't have access to them or me. I even had to go so far as to get the school involved so they are aware she is not to "sneak" in and have lunch with them at school. She is not allowed on the school grounds or in my children's classes. Similar to a divorce, I tried hard for the last 3 years to accomodate her seeing my children but once they were hurt by her, I was done. It was not done in a vindictive way but in a manner to protect my children. I am fiercely protective of them when it comes to her and her destructive ways.

It sounds like your husband is taking the high road and may feel it is time to cut ties. I understand the tears, it is his mother, but sometimes we have to make decisions to not allow ourselves to be treated so unfairly; without a care for our well-being. He sounds like a wonderful man with a mom who is thinking of herself and not how her actions will affect those around her. It hurts so much when it comes from someone who is suppose to love you so much. You being there for him will give him the strength and support to make whatever decision he feels is necessary and is the best Christmas gift of all. You sound like a wonderfully supportive wife! Best of luck!

 

[Miniv]

Good for you CAM/Debra! I agree......the children have to be priority.

PaintedPromise -- Just from you description, it sounds as though your husband's parents have made their choice.......and sadly it is NOT your husband. As long as you two are able to work things out in such a way so that the children are not hurt, I would say you both are right in cutting ties......(IMO)

Sounds like you will be walking a tightrope, so wishing you all the best.

MA

 

[lovinarabs]

Mothers in law can be such a pain in the butt. I feel your pain and empathize. Mine is constantly getting her little digs in at my hubby. Poor guy will never measure up to her.

 

[Warpony]

I have an amazing relationship with my ex inlaws. Every year they take my new husband and I out to dinner for our birthdays, they give us christmas and birthday gifts, they stop by to visit the little horses when ever they are in the neighborhood, they call regularly to chit chat and see how I am doing, they tease me about my tattoo and my hair colour and everything just like they always have, etc. I was with their son for 17 years, and when he left none of the rest of us felt obligated to end OUR relationship simply because he ended our marriage. My ex ended our marriage in a horrible way, I would have every right to feel angry, resentful and vindictive.... with all that in mind I have to say:

His family should be ashamed, and so should his ex wife. I would NEVER intrude on a family gathering in such a way once I was an ex... in fact I was invited to the first family christmas after he told me he wanted the divorce (cousins who were hosting invited me) and at that point he had not even filed for divorce yet, but I knew he and his fiancee would be there and so in order to avoid making things uncomfortable for him I declined. Even having a good relationship with the family, even though they still consider me family as much as they ever did, I would NEVER do such a thing.

I think your husband was being very kind and mature by saying he was fine with them continuing a relationship as long as they did it on their time. I don't think family should be forced to cut off friendly contact with someone who has been a member of the family if they don't want to when a couple breaks up, but I do NOT think it is asking too much to NOT have an ex spouse show up at family functions when the person and their spouse is going to be there. I mean, I could see it if it was, say, their childs birthday party or something... but family Christmas?!?!?! Doesn't she have a family of her OWN?

 

[RJRMINIS]

[SIZE=12pt]Just out of curiousity could it be that they feel sorry for her since she has no other family? I know especially during the holidays people tend to reach out to those that don't have anywhere else to go. [/SIZE][SIZE=12pt]That being said, his parents should set aside a different time for her to come, so that you & your husband still fill comfortable. I know I would not be able to sit at the same table with my husbands ex. So I feel for you both! [/SIZE]

 

[PaintedPromiseRanch]

to answer both of the last two, the ex does not have any family of her own (orphaned in Korea at a few months old) and yes they DO feel sorry for her, but she has a HUGE community of Korean friends, AND we did OUR Christmas with the kids early so THEY could all be together (his family, the kids and the ex) ALL Christmas Eve and ALL Christmas Day... for the hour we were there for dinner, she could have NOT been there.

and it's so nice to hear that some people can be friendly and reasonable... i also had a fantastic relationship with my ex-in-laws, after our divorce my first husband moved out of state and my daughter was 4, 5, 6... anyway the only way she could see her "other" grandparents was if i took her to visit or had them come to our home. in fact my ex-father-in-law danced the "father of the bride" dance with me when i remarried, because my own father gave me away and then rushed off in the tux I PAID FOR to take his new wife out to dinner... and my current in-laws try to hold that up to me as an example of why they are still friendly with my husband's ex. but it is totally different - i had custody, and their son was not here to make sure our daughter had time with her grandparents so i did it, for her... and when he WAS here, i stayed away and let him take my daughter to see them... now, with us, WE had custody (until we moved about an hour away, and my husband's so-called family worked behind the scenes with the ex to convince the boys to leave our home and move back to "town" with their mother...) although they spend way more time at grandma's than with mom, just like they always have. the only time they really lived "at home" and not grandma's was when they lived with us. even when my husband and his ex were married, he worked all the time because she always wanted more money and more things, and the boys were always at grandma's because they were all afraid to leave the kids with mom alone... from what i have heard she threatened to kill them when they were little, she still has emotional problems to the point she needs to be on meds, and they are all supposed to be making sure she takes them, but they don't... my husband still lives in constant fear that she will hurt the boys, but the only proof or witnesses we have are his family, and they refuse to back us so we can't do anything about it...

it's just a mess. well, he says he is done, and after two days of not sleeping, feeling sick every time i eat something, and generally not being able to get this crap out of my head, i have decided that even if HE changes his mind, I WILL NOT. i AM done. garbage in, garbage out, and i will NOT let those people fill my life with garbage ever again!! i love him very much but i cannot watch them do this to him any more, in fact i have come to realize since Christmas night that him not standing up to them is having a negative impact on my respect for him. so while it seems unsupportive on the one hand, i know that the right thing for me is to stay away from those hypocrites. my dogs and my donkeys have more sense of family loyalty than those people...

 

[Warpony]

good for you! I'm sorry this is impacting your respect for him, but good for you for deciding to put your foot down. I put up with way to much crap from my family and I know it can frustrate my husband sometimes... but it is my family... so i can also see why this is a hard thing for him to stand up to them about. maybe your resolve to not let them cause this sort of turmoil can give him the strength he needs to stand up for himself with them.

Either way, please try not to let them cause you to make yourself sick over all this. They really aren't worth it.

 

[HobbsFarm]

[SIZE=12pt]That is a terrible experience that you and hubby had to go through on Christmas.

: I'm sorry that it happened and I hope that maybe y'all can resolve it before next Christmas so it won't happen again... Shannon

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