Need some Advice

[Tab]

I know this is going to be hard to understand, and I'm trying to make it as impartial as I possibly can.

I have somewhat become estranged from my brother since I became married almost 6 years ago. I am the youngest, my sister was married a year before I met and married, and my brother married in '08 after a two-year engagement. You see, my sister and I are "no frills" country gals. My sis had a 2 week engagement, I had 1.5 months engagement. We were anxious to get married because we both wanted to start our lives with our husbands. We were excited more about marriage than the wedding. Our husbands are our best friends to this day.

Well, my brother had always wanted to get married and first hated my sister's husband, then he ended up hating mine even more. Finally, he found his future wife. He bragged and boasted, and strutted. She is a beautiful gal, which is fine, but she also knows this as fact... so you can understand. She is very different than my family. Spends, spends, spends. Lives at the mall and puts a great deal of emphasis on stuff and spending, and gifts and giving (so that she can be fawned over). Of course I don't get it because I'm a woman of the earth (not the world). I have been working hard on the land for as long as I can remember. We are as opposite as night and day. I even tried the makeup and clothes for awhile just to relate to her better, and now I'm back to sweats and tees. That stuff just isn't me.

Here is the kicker, and why I'm considered the evil sister-in-law. She has had a heart transplant, and we are all blessed that she is still healthy 5+ years post transplant. This is a blessing, and I pray her health into old age. Because she has had this transplant, though, her monster of entitlement far surpasses anyone I've met. Their wedding was monstrously huge, and they tried to get my parent's into debt because they felt that they should contribute equally to the wedding. They were angry when my husband and I didn't celebrate their 6-month home ownership anniversary. They were angry when I backed out of the wedding because I found out I was pregnant, they were angry that we only acknowledge their birthdays, and not her her heart birthday, and her heart donor's birthday.

Yes, I know I don't understand what it's like to be a heart recipient, but I know what it is like to almost die, and I still do not understand the entitlement thing. So I just had a birthday and after all of their complaints did I hear anything from my brother? Not until 4 weeks later I finally heard a happy birthday, and not any apology but a whole line of excuses. This was only after I decided to block him from fb because I am so sick of their crap. I just responded Thank you for the birthday wishes, (brothers name). That's all I said in response.

In trying to do the right thing I am left hurting all the time, and I wanted it to disappear. Then instead of just "happy birthday" he expected an explanation as to why he can't find me on facebook. I could go on and on for days about the drama, and the crap that has been pulled, but I digress. I guess I will remain the evil sister-in-law. It hurts because this is my only older brother who I had looked up to and admired. There is nothing left to look up to, and I do wonder if his change in personality and entitlement didn't stem from his marriage.

Let me also add that I don't expect my brother to remember my husband's birthday, or our boy's birthdays (their only nephews), and I have never gotten angry when they haven't. I need prayer. I love God and I want to do the right thing but I'm bloodied from constantly turning the other cheek. Thanks for hearing me out. I love them both I just can't stand 'em any longer. I am always the bad guy in the end because of her heart transplant. Everyone looks on the outside and never (ironically) at the heart.

If you can give me any advice or send a prayer I sure would covet it!

 

[krissy3]

you know , all I can say is that your brother loves his wife , probably for reasons you will never understand. He chooses to be with her for a reason, he must like or need to be with a woman like her, and it must "work" for him. everyones needs are very different , and we choose our partners for a reason.I think to fill a void of some sort. Be who you are , accept her for who she is , you dont have to agree with her lifestyle, but you might consider separating yourself from their lifestyle. It would be great if she could do the same. I know this sounds a lot easier then it really is because families become entangled, and before you know it everybody is in everyones business. Love your brother , accept that he needs to be with a woman like his wife , and concentrate on the fantastic life and marriage you have with your husband. family dynamics are very complex. Maybe focus on yourself and marriage and put your brothers wife on the back burner where she belongs. That sense of entitlement your brothers wife has gets old real quick...good luck.

 

[Tab]

Krissy, Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am taking what you are saying to heart! Very wise! Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I really needed some outside perspective!

 

[krissy3]

No problem , and thanks too!! i spent a lot of time working with a family therapist, she was awsome!! I have a dysfunctional family, but from the other side of the world it seems to function just fine. Get to know and respect yourself and your beliefs, and accept that other will think differently. Dont let others change you , but allow yourself to change if needed to accept others . When you have had a long , hard day , take a long hot bath and think about what happened and why... hug your little furry family , and be strong. Good luck,

krissy

 

[Katiean]

I would try to maintain the relationship but I would keep it at arms length.

 

[Miniv]

I would try to maintain the relationship but I would keep it at arms length.

Katiean said it in a nutshell.......

Don't totally cut off your brother (or the wife), but it's easy to keep them at arms length. I have done it with my younger brother, but not because of his wife.

We exchange birthday cards, simple Christmas gifts by mail, and call each other on occasions like Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter. We MAY see each other once a year ..... and sometimes we skip a year. (What helps is that we live about 5 hours apart.)

Sending your brother and his wife a card for their various "birthdays" can't be too hard........but at the same time, you don't need to have them over and you don't need to always accept THEIR invites either....... I bet you can do it. Good luck.

 

[Tab]

I think a safe distance is best, as well. I believe this all started about 5 years ago and it continues to run deeper and deeper. It's also a bit of a power struggle. She is a nanny, they are of yet childless. I'm a stay-at-home mom. They wonder why we don't just let them "take off" with our two boys, or let them watch our children. When she and my brother first started dating she suggested that Rog and I go for a walk (in the pasture) while she watched our newborn. I agreed to it, but I told her I wanted her to call me on the cell when he woke up so that I could nurse him (I was struggling with my milk supply). Instead, she never called. We walked back to the house to find that she had given him an entire bottle of formula. She had/has no respect for me as his mother.

I love her as a fellow person, but I can say is that it is next to impossible for me to like her. I started to be leary and uncomfortable of her then. Instead of giving her a piece of my mind at that point, all of the things have built up and built up. Probably because I've allowed them to. It is only damaging me.

 

[TheCaseFamily00]

I have 1 sister and we're 12 years apart and have a great relationship. We never had the sibling rivalry thing,probably the age difference helped alot. My husband has a huge family,big shock to the system!I definately don't always agree or like what my bro or sister in laws do or say but I do love them. My only advice and thing I try to live by is how would I feel if something happen to that person and we left things on bad terms,how would I feel? If I would have regrets,then I need to work on the relationship.If it wouldn't bother me then I'd stay away. You sound like you care for them but we can't change people we just have to accept them for who they are. You sound like a very nice person and I wish you the best

.

 

[Tab]

Thank you Krissy, Katiean, MA, and CaseFamily! I wish I were assertive enough to begin with to share with them (without trembling) where I stand. I wish I could react emotionless to the situation. I can't even imagine what it must have been like for her to go through what she did and continues to, but at the same time that doesn't excuse their actions. I also have had experiences that she can't comprehend.

We really aren't in each others lives much at all and things get weirder and more strained all the time. Thank you for your suggestions because I was simply at a loss. We only live about 24 minutes away from them. My husband's parent's live right near them, so we go past their subdivision when we visit. Sometimes I think life would be so much easier if I cared so much less than I do. If I cared less this wouldn't be an issue to begin with.

Now that I've vented I guess it's time to count my blessings

 

[bcody]

Family is so hard. You love your bother, that is clear, and you do not hate your SIL, I do not think, but you and her would never be close friends, and that is OK. Remember his birthday, if they want to celebrate the other dates, that is certainly their option, but they can not expect everyone else to. Stay true to who you are. Send cards on the days that YOU feel are important. Let your brother know you love him by doing what you have always done, and accept who and what he is. You never know what is going to happen down the road, and you are never helping anyone if it is not coming from your heart. The hurt will come and go, but as long as you are true to yourself. You can not and should not stop caring, but distance is sometimes your best friend. Write a leter about how you feel, just like you did here. You do not ever need to send it, but writing it and reading it over from time to time and maybe someday sending may help.

Prayers that you find peace with all this.

 

[Mominis]

I love God and I want to do the right thing but I'm bloodied from constantly turning the other cheek. Thanks for hearing me out. I love them both I just can't stand 'em any longer. I am always the bad guy in the end because of her heart transplant. Everyone looks on the outside and never (ironically) at the heart.
If you can give me any advice or send a prayer I sure would covet it!

Romans 12:17-19

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay." says the Lord.

Hang in there. Thinking of you.

 

[Tab]

Thank you Bcody and Mominis! The LB forum is better than therapy! Bcody, you are right, I do not hate her! Thank you so much for your heartfelt suggestions. Thank you Mominis, I will not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good, and I ought to make that my mantra! Thank you all for the encouragement!

 

[Bunnylady]

Proverbs 15:1

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

I could sit here and babble on about her neediness, and vulnerability, and seeking validation in the eyes of others. I've heard it said that anger is a secondary emotion, usually a cover for pain. Do you think they really feel slighted by you, or are they just using anger as a tool to manipulate? Not that it matters, really; they need to learn to accept that you are who you are, care the way you care, and don't necessarily place the same value on some things that they do. I agree, distance (physical and emotional) helps, but it comes down to learning to just say "they are who they are," and letting it go. It isn't about who's right and who's wrong, it's about living your life in a way that makes sense to you. Continue to love them, show them you care in the ways that you do, and PRAY FOR THEM! It may not change them, but it can work wonders for changing the way you feel about them!

 

[Tab]

Thank you, Bunny Lady, I am wrong in that I have not handed it over to the Lord long ago. I know God is teaching me through this experience. Since my children were born I have been on an emotional roller coaster, just when I think the end is near the ride starts up again. Isn't that life!? I don't know what it is? Is it a mom thing? Why do I feel so responsible for everything that happens? It also couldn't hurt to step back and say that their feelings aren't my problem. I can and SHOULD do my best but I cannot control their feelings.

Thanks for helping me work through this!

Tab

 

[loveminis]

That's right ! You cannot control their feelings and don't take their bad attitude to heart. Sometimes family can be the hardest on us with their expectations.

 

[Annabellarose]

I think that it is a bit odd for them to actually celebrate her "new heart day" or whatever and the birthday of her donor. I don't think that it is odd for HER to think about them in passing as the recipient, but I do think that it is extremely odd to expect anyone else to acknowledge, much less to celebrate, them! I think that someone else already said just to acknowledge and/or celebrate what you think is important for them (their birthdays, their wedding anniversary, Christmas, etc.). I think that it was hostile of you to delete your brother from Facebook though, unless he was constantly posting mean things on your page. If I were you I would NEVER allow her to watch my children, disregarding your wishes about your newborn child was hostile of her.

Unfortunately I do not have a good relationship with my mother in law or one of my two sister in laws. I am an only child of the last child born to a very big and very old family and I have witnessed a massive dying off of them since my birth. I actually looked forward to meeting and marrying a man with a (nice) family to become a part of, but that wasn't to be for me! My mother in law has never cared for/approved of me and I am not even sure why! I am "decent folk", I work, I am respectful, I am not spoiled, I take excellent care of her son, our home, our things, etc., etc., etc. His sister seems to parrot how their mother feels about me. Sometimes you can do everything right and still not get it right.

 

[Tab]

Thank you Loveminis and Angela,

Blocking them caused more drama than intended, but this was my way of disengaging. I certainly should have thought and prayed more about it. I also didn't know what else to do. If I talked to him on the phone or in person my emotions would have gotten the better of me. If I wrote him a letter it would have gone back and forth. If I were to give him a long, drawn out (undeserved) explanation, same thing.

This way they don't know our plans and we don't know theirs. Sometimes not knowing one's business is a physical/spiritual sigh. Probably for them, as well. We upset her; that can harm her health. That upsets him. Our kid's germs make her sick (even though she's a nanny and lives at the mall). She found out I don't bathe my kids every day so they obviously must be more infectious than the kids she watched (who attended school). It's probably better for her health and emotional well being for us not to be involved in each other's lives.

The Christmas before last we made an effort to stay home until they left my parent's so that we wouldn't infect her with our colds. Our two boys are also my parent's only grandchildren. We have tried to go along with her special needs.

I ought to continually keep in mind that their upset really isn't my responsibility. I need to stop being bitter! It's a waste of time

Angela, I'm sorry that you are in the middle in your family, as well. What does your husband think about the way you are treated? Does his Mama still need to cut the cord or what? I hope that someone gives!

 

[bcody]

It is wonderful that you take them into consideration when planning things, and it is ok to make mild adjustments, but you do not need to re arrange your whole life either. They CAN adjust to things that may infect her (although it sounds like an excuse to get her way.) It is stressing you out more. Make minor adjustments, if needed, show good intent but you need to live and enjoy your holidays, and so do your kids. Life is about compromise, not sacrifice. It is going to hurt you no matter what, so let it hurt while living your life. you are not a bad person, you are not evil and certainly not thoughtless. It is time to just live around them, your heart will hurt be your head will know you did the right thing for YOUR family. And who knowa, when she learns she can not contro;l you with her 'heart' maybe thigs will get better.

keep your faith, you are traveling this road for a reason, so take in the sights, go slow over the bumps and try to avoid the pot holes. Be considerate of others on the same path (which you have been more then considerate), avoid the pike ups as best you can and do not forget those that are close to you that have to take the trip with you. They are the ones that are most important.

You have a good heart, are loyal to your family and have strong faith. You are a good person. Stay true to yourself, your faith and your family and in the end it will turn out OK.

 

[Tab]

Thank you Bcody

Thank you all deeply!