AppyLover2
Well-Known Member
I'm sure there's some language in here that will be bleeped but ran across this in my "save these things" folder and thought I'd share it. I've read it several times and still think it's one of the funniest things I've ever read. Surprisingly enough men seem to find it funny too.
Pocket Taser
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing
her adequate time to retreat to safety....
> WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
> AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better
of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm
looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A
batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it master,' reasoning that a one-second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself
a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
thigh, pushed the button, and...
>
> HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it again,
stupid, do it again!'
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by
a violent thrashing about on the floor.
> A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
> SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there?
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their
safe return!! Still in shock!!
> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
>
Pocket Taser
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing
her adequate time to retreat to safety....
> WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
> AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better
of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm
looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A
batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it master,' reasoning that a one-second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself
a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
thigh, pushed the button, and...
>
> HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it again,
stupid, do it again!'
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by
a violent thrashing about on the floor.
> A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
> SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there?
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their
safe return!! Still in shock!!
> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
>
