Prayers please

[hobbyhorse23]

Spyder hasn't eaten since Wednesday morning for reasons unknown. He still wants the hay he can't chew, dry senior feed he can't swallow without choking, grass there isn't any of under the snow and treats on and off, but he won't touch the beet pulp/hay pellets/senior feed soup that keeps him alive. He seemed to be doing fine despite virtually no water intake (he gets all his liquid through his food) and the vet who saw him this morning said everything seemed normal but he took a turn for the worse this afternoon and I actually called her out again put him down. The vet was deeply reluctant to do it since he seemed perfectly comfortable to her (I think his organs are shutting down) and I let her convinced me to tube him with electrolytes and mineral oil to buy him a couple more days to turn around and for us to get the bloodwork results. I work for the next three days and had been planning to sleep at the hospital due to the snow so this is killing me. Please pray that he either starts eating or for me to have the strength to do what I have to do. I feel like I failed him tonight. I should have let him pass while he was still pain-free and full of dignity even if it felt terrible to put down a "healthy" horse. After three days of being off all his oral meds his itching and GI problems are rapidly becoming severe.

Leia (whose eyes are so bloodshot from crying she can barely see)

P.S.- I beg you, please do me one favor and don't tell me "he's had a long life." I know he has but my grief is over my loss, not his. He's perfectly calm about the idea of making his transition.

 

[Sterling]

Ohhh...my heart is breaking for you....I am so sorry. Lots of prayers for you and your beautiful old boy for peace and calm.

 

[FoRebel]

Lots of thoughts and prayers are with you!

 

[REO]

Oh Leia

Even though we know that the greatest show of love we can give them is letting them go, it does NOT make it any easier. I DO know how hard it is and I send you prayers for strength and {{{Hugs}}}

I think you are right in your gut instincts.

But please don't second guess yourself. You know that what happens and when it happens is the right thing at the right time.

My heart and thoughts are with you. I'm here if you need me. I'm so sorry!

 

[Jill]

Leia, keeping you and Spyderman in my thoughts and prayers!

 

[susanne]

Leia,

I know you have the strength to make the right decision, but nonetheless, I hope Spyder eases your mind and makes very clear what he wants and needs.

We're snowbound, so I'll be here if you need to talk.

susanne

 

[Charlene]

oh leia, i'm so sorry. i've been in your shoes and it is gut-wrenching. go with your head and do what you think is right. your heart will heal in time.

 

[JourneysEnd]

Leia,

I totally understand what you're feeling. So sorry you're having to go through this.

You haven't "failed" him, you're trying to do the right thing.

Hang in there, we'll pray for both of you.

Vickie

 

[Sonya]

I'm so sorry about Spyder...sending prayers! Hang in there.

 

[Shortpig]

I am so sorry to hear this Leia. After we have spent so many years with our chosen friends and companions the hardest part is saying goodbye. You will do what is right for Spyder when the time is right. All your friends will be here to give you comfort. Time together doesn't really matter as love is endless and not set in time. Spyder will let you know when the time is right and even a vet won't be able to convince you otherwise. I will be thinking of you and your pain and even though I know no one can take it away we are here for you when you need us the most.

 

[Maxi'sMinis]

Prayers your big ole boy starts eating for you. Sending strength to you to help you deal with this. You sound so level headed and a real trooper for your boy. Still hoping everything turns out to be ok. You and Spyder will be in my thoughts.

 

[hobbyhorse23]

Spyder will let you know when the time is right and even a vet won't be able to convince you otherwise.

He did, and I did let a vet convince me otherwise.

Now he's had to make it through an 11 degree night and will probably go in the below zero (unheard of around here!) windchill and the nasty storm due later today. I should have let him go when it was sunny and beautiful and everything was calm. It was WRONG of me to wait until he "tells me" by being in pain when he told me just fine beforehand. I'm not beating myself up, but it was wrong. I hope he forgives me.

Leia

 

[Irish Hills Farm]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this and I'm sure your boy will not hold it against you for deciding to listen to the vet. He knows you love him.

 

[Crabby-Chicken]

I am so sorry.

I know Kody and Spyder are your kids. You did what the vet wanted you to do. Hold off a little while. That is all you can do. Again, I am sorry.

 

[Margo_C-T]

Leia,

I've not been to the Forum since Thurs. night; am SO sorry to read what you and your dear old man are going through.

I agree with your feelings, and COMPLETELY empathize, but I've also learned that it does NO good to look back; we all do things and make decisions we later wish we'd done differently.

Who are you to listen to except your vet, in matters of your horses' health? You did what any of us would almost surely have done--and it is no crime to want to have hope!

I am holding you and Spyder in my heart and prayers; what is meant to happen will...as others have said, he knows you love him.

My heart is with you,

Margo

 

[nootka]

You know I will send every ounce of positive energy for you...you are doing all that you can.

Liz

 

[Equuisize]

Leia,

I am thinking of you and Spyder.......

Do what you feel is right, when it is right.

Spyder holds you in his heart as

deeply as you hold him in yours.....

I was there, as you know, a few years ago

with my old Archer's, and I know all to well

where your heart and mind is right now.

Take care, Spyder loves you and so do we.

 

[Reijel's Mom]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know very well how you are feeling

.

 

[hobbyhorse23]

Who are you to listen to except your vet, in matters of your horses' health?

Myself. I KNEW what the right thing to do was, and I let fear of someone else's judgment stop me from doing it.

it is no crime to want to have hope!

I wish I did. It's not that I'm giving up, it's that I really feel this isn't an illness or something we can "make better." He's just shutting down. He's calm about it, I'm calm about it (grieving, but calm,) it's only everyone else that feels the need to fight it. I guess I don't want this to turn into a battle. He's got the rare ability to pass with calm grace in his own time and completely free of pain or fear, feeling no terror or exhaustion or urge to cling to his body, and I don't want to take that away from him because I'M not ready to let go. And frankly while it's a shock to lose him, he and I have been at peace with this idea for awhile. We had our time in the sun and a glorious long run together, we've simply been enjoying this lingering retirement as a gift.

Of course what do I know? The vet just called and said his bloodwork is completely clean with no sign of dehydration or anything wrong at all.

For all I know I'm going to get home from work and find he's changed his mind and is making a pig of himself!

*sigh*

Thanks for all the nice words guys, I really am not ignoring them to be negative. They mean a lot to me.

Leia

 

[susanne]

Hey Leia...just checking in again...

You and Spyder have been in my thoughts constantly since I first read your post. Now, reading your follow-up, I have to say that Spyder would never feel there is anything that needs to be forgiven. For most of your time together he has been your protector, so I imagine the only thing bothering him is your guilt and worry.

Keith asked me to send his thoughts as well.

Take care,

susanne and keith