Suicide, everybody else hurts also

[vickie gee]

This week I went to a funeral. The deceased had committed suicide. I have known the deceased, the siblings, and the parents forever. Sometimes people get where they think they cannot face another day. I understand. I have been in pain mentally and physically and I would be lying if I said it never crossed my mind. If anyone says they have never contemplated it they are either extra strong, extra fortunate, or lying. The person always smiled. The person had a spouse, children, and grandchildren. The person had some health conditions that put their life in jeopardy often and made them suffer. Their quality of life was going to diminish further. I understand the hopelessness. But when I see this family in so much grief and pain I know that I would never do that. This is the third time I have dealt with an acquaintance or relative taking their life. My heart is heavy so I just ask anyone reading this to never ever give up and do what you know is NOT the answer. Please.

 

[Jill]

I don't think there are any easy answers. I have had some long time family friends, really FAMILY, do decide to take their own lives. First the husband, my Dad's best friend when I was a kid. Then later, his wife. In hindsight, I'm sure "Andy" (Dad's friend) was bi-polar. A great guy, and a very caring person. Years later, before their two kids were grown (our pretty much cousins) also took her own life, while the kids were still minors. The family had moved to Florida which is a bit away and we have lost touch, they have a last name that is not uncommon (and the daughter did changer her first name, though we know what she changed it to). My family would love to get in touch with them...

A couple business aquaintances, too, have taken their own lives. Some people I've know for 20 years. One was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He was probably the most "famous" man in our town at what he did for a living. It is shocking, but also... Some things are so hard to live through.

I do not know what is the right or wrong thing to do. I just know I feel for the person, family and close friends.

 

[Debby - LB]

I'm so sorry, that is such a shame. Whenever I hear of this happening I think about the anguish a person went through before getting to the suicide stage and it just breaks my heart.

Dealing with the family left behind is a nightmare mainly because usually the loved ones make it about themselves and it's not....not anymore about them than if the person passed from cancer. On one hand you have the normal grieving that any death causes and on the other hand you have the constant thoughts of why did he/she leave "me", how could he/she do this to "me", what did "I" do.

Please don't misunderstand my thoughts on this it breaks my heart for the family too since along with grieving for the death of their loved one they'll always feel guilty thinking they could have done something or because they did not notice since the person showed no outward signs to them or they missed it, but this was not about them.... I know your heart is in the right place but to say "never give up and not do what you know is not the answer"...a mentally ill person does not know this is not the answer. Since he had been suffering physically for quite some time he may have also been suffering some form of depression.

Mental illness is a terrible terrible thing I know this first hand I'm going through it now, it is not easy to manage and when it gets to a certain point there is nothing you can say that will change the persons mind, you may be able to get them help in time like I did "this time" but then again you may not and it's not your fault.Too many people try to live with the guilt that it's their fault.

When it comes to a person’s physical health and a terminal diagnosis I strongly believe a person should have the right to end their own life if they choose. We can humanely help our animals have a quality of life AND death but we cannot help ourselves or our family members with the same. I am a strong advocate of having an advance health care directive about end of life options. Please y'all talk to your spouse and/or loved ones about how you want your health handled, being open with your family and having someone to talk with about it is so important.

 

[vickie gee]

I believe in living wills, the right to choose not to resuscitate, and refusing medical treatment and let a disease take you in God's timing. My mom cleaned up the mess when my uncle blew his brains out in his carport. A friend of mine came home from vacation to find our friend who was housesitting for her while she went on a trip had taken her life with carbon monoxide in the garage. I know somebody taking their own life has gotten to the point that they are not reasoning how painful it is going to be for those that love them.

 

[wingnut]

{{{ hugs }}} You are absolutely right. Such a tragic loss for all.

 

[Sonya]

My opinion of this is not going to be popular. A very close cousin commited suicide about 12 years ago and my half sister commited suicide about 8 years ago, both shot themselves. I myself can not understand how anyone could do that except in a case of a terminal illness. Having lost both my parents in the last 8 months, life is so precious and a gift and to throw it away I just can't understand it. I will be honest in saying I have never ever even thought about doing something like that, even in my darkest times. I was angry with my sister for many years....watching what it did to my parents and her daughter made me dislike her for a long time.

There is so much talk today about chemical imbalances, bi-polar, etc...practically everyone I know is on some mood altering drug (except for the people I work with who aren't allowed to take anything for depression, etc). I know these conditions exist but today doctors put everyone on something, just masking the problem which I believe many (not all) just need to learn how to deal with their issues...everyone gets depressed, angry, etc...these are human emotions. My husbands whole family is on some kind of happy pill....no pill can make anyone happy, if anything it makes you feel nothing which is even worse. Am I a strong person....no, I am just like everyone else, I have dark times too but I look to myself and God for answers.

I am very sorry for the loss of your friend, suicide leaves so many unanswered questions. For me, it made the grieving process so much longer than a normal death, the what ifs plague your brain.

 

[vickie gee]

Sonya,

I agree with everything you said.

The short time I was on pills I regret so much. I was devoid of emotion. I like me better as my spunky self than the door mat I let those stupid pills made me. We are meant to have seasons of joy, pain, laughter, and grief.

 

[Debby - LB]

There is so much talk today about chemical imbalances, bi-polar, etc...practically everyone I know is on some mood altering drug (except for the people I work with who aren't allowed to take anything for depression, etc). I know these conditions exist but today doctors put everyone on something, just masking the problem which I believe many (not all) just need to learn how to deal with their issues...everyone gets depressed, angry, etc...these are human emotions. My husbands whole family is on some kind of happy pill....no pill can make anyone happy, if anything it makes you feel nothing which is even worse. Am I a strong person....no, I am just like everyone else, I have dark times too but I look to myself and God for answers.

I agree. People want the quick fix that comes with a pill. Doctors nowadays seem to be too quick in prescribing mood altering drugs which come with their own set of side effects. I too look to myself and God for answers, I lean on the faith within me heavily. I deal with mental illness in my family so when I see someone laughing about a break up and the depression medicine their Dr. put them on to help get over it.. I just don't understand it. Vickie you are right we are meant to have seasons of joy, pain, laughter, and grief.

 

[Miniv]

Suicide leaves loved ones with so many unanswered questions and unnecessary guilt. My husband's cousin who was also his best friend was found hung in his apartment. No note. He was attending veterinary school and we had just spoken with him a few days prior because he was coming out to visit the following week. We spoke to the police about it by phone because we couldn't believe he would be making plans like that and then just kill himself without warning or a note left behind. The police even found his plane ticket......It's taken years for us, most especially Larry, to really believe that his cousin truly killed himself.

 

[susanne]

In most cases, suicide is a tragedy, not a solution.

However, I fully believe in Oregon's doctor-assisted suicide for those suffering from terminal illness. One reason I so strongly support it is what the records have shown: many who go through the rigorous screening process end up never taking the pills; the peace of mind was what they were after and knowing they had an option if things became intolerable. Knowing that they had the freedom to choose allowed them to enjoy the remainder of their days.

Another reason: Once this law was passed, the hospice movement grew phenomenally in Oregon. Hospitals recognized that the need for pain abatement was more important than extending life at all costs, and the rights of individuals to allow nature take its course received much greater respect. One used to hear the phrase, "We can't give them more morphine, it will kill them." Hello -- they're already dying! Allow them their final peace and dignity.

That said, I am thankful that the process is so involved and not one taken lightly on the spur of the moment or in the course of a bad day. Multiple doctors and psychiatrists are required to examine the patient and make certain this is truly the patient is truly terminal and that this is their own true desire, not a move prompted by treatable depression, pressure from others or any other undesirable motive.

If a friend or family member chose this route, I would, of course, be devastated, but I would respect their wishes and be proud that they chose the way that was right for them. Knowing they had thought this through, discussed their plan with their family and doctors, and now had a means for a peaceful exit would greatly help me deal with their passing.

Sadly, with the more typical suicide, family and friends are left bereft with unanswered questions and too often the feeling they might have helped if their loved one had only asked.