Dealing with a dying parent

[Riverrose28]

so sorry you are going through this, but I agree with all the others. My husbands Mom was the only one that lingered, all my other family passed real fast. We stayed at her side, till she was gone, good thing we had said all that needed to be said days earlier as by the time she passed whe was totallty out of it. She also had lung desease. Don't worry about remaining strong, just go with your heart.

 

[zoey829]

My prayers go out tou you and your family. I lived through this and it was tough. Make sure you just are there for him and tell him you love him, let God handle the rest! So sorry!!

 

[vickie gee]

Sonya,

You are in my prayers. I know this is difficult. I have faith that God will see you through this and your dad will know he raised a daughter to be proud of.

Having faith means that it isn't necessary to have all the answers. Having faith in God and faith in yourself means trusting beyond explanations and logic. While faith is unseen, it can be felt in the heart---a safe and loving place. Let your faith rest there.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

Honor your feelings and heartache. Watching a loved one suffer and bidding them farewell naturally fills us with despair and uncertainty. Know that you are not alone. God is with you. I felt him there with me while I tended to my dying mom. My heart still broke but I found courage and strength in knowing she would be made new and suffer no more.

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

We are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. Phillipians 3:20

I believe in you Sonya. {{hugs}}

 

[muffntuf]

I find when I am lost for words a simple, meaningful, "I Love You" spans the voids of passage and time. Also "I will be fine, you can go home now" has eased a few who have passed before me.

I am entering the time when parents are getting old, their bodies are tiring out and dread the day when I have to say to them these same words.

Blessings and prayers to you at this time.

 

[Jean_B]

Every parent worries about their children - so let him know that YOU will be OK and that you love him. Just holding his hand can be enough. A couple years ago my father had a major stroke and there was no recovery. I flew up to be with him, and just said whatever popped into my head....no thought and no reason to anything I said. And out popped "I love you, Daddy." I hadn't called him Daddy in well over 40 years....he had always been Dad. He knew I was there because he squeezed my hand but that was it. And it was enough.

Hugs to you.

 

[Sonya]

Thankyou so much everyone. I really appreciate all your kind words, thoughts, and prayers...I know everyone goes through this...it's part of life. I will just let what happens happen and not give anything too much thought. I am leaving this afternoon, my hubby is coming with me (he and my Dad are very close, they hunted together alot when we lived in PA)

Me and my sister from NC had a talk about the role of Hospice and it's a very controversial subject that I won't get into right now...my sister feels he will pass while we are there and that is fine. That Frankenstorm is going to impact my parents pretty heavy, they are calling for 2 ft of snow (which they are very used to there but I'm sure the county/state is not going to be ready for it being so early in the season) so I'm glad we will be there in case of power outage etc...

Thanks again everyone...you are all very special kind people that are always there when someone needs prayers, thoughts, advice, support and a cyber shoulder. ((hugs to all))

 

[SampleMM]

Sonya, my heart breaks for you. I totally know how you feel too. My dad has been very sick for the last five years and I have no idea how he has survived this long. He too has COPD, diabetes, a heart attack, bowel obstruction which led to a colostomy and many other surgeries but you get the idea. I just try and talk to him everyday and laugh and joke with him. At times, it is not easy and he is a real bear to be around but I just keep loving on him. In the last year, his mood has been much better so we ever took a small trip with him this summer.

I think the main thing is to let him know that you appreciate everything he's done for you and your family and that you love him and if he's ready to go than you are okay with that. ((((HUGS to you dear friend))))

Debbie

 

[AngC]

Sonya....

I read your post a couple days ago, and it's been lurking in the back of my mind. It appears you are on your way, and hopefully, despite the weather, you made it there o.k.

There are no easy answers... you just do it.

My mother passed a couple years ago. She had been diagnosed with cancer in her lower liver. They cracked her open and then sewed her back up; the cancer had mestastized (sp?); the doctor said she'd live for only 6 months. While she was recuperating, she shared a room, and the other lady in the room died. That decided her that she DID NOT want to die in that place. So then she went home and was on hospice. After 6 months she was kicked off hospice because she was not yet dead. She stayed in her home for almost 6 years. Near the end of that period, my father (they'd been married for over 65 years) passed. She hung in awhile longer after that but her condition slowly deteriorated. She wanted to die at home. She did.

I felt bad because we (husband and I) were in WA and she was in MT and could not get there as frequently as I would have liked. And near the end she didn't want us there. She didnt' want us to see her like that.

I try to feel happy that my mother died in her home as she wanted. But for us the process had some really sucking moments. For example, after, a bunch of people trooped through the house (thankfully one lady was nice enough to point out to me that I had to dress her and helped me; my husband couldn't deal with it and had bailed outside by that point.) Then they all left. We sat out outside on the porch crying and wondering what to do while we waited for the funeral dudes to show up (took a couple hours.)

Back to my earlier comment, that you just do it. You do; I don't know how.

I think the best comfort I had was from my husband... he is more fanciful than I am. Right about when she died, we had taken a break form sitting with her and were out on the back of the property. Tom saw an eagle flying over and said that my dad was there to take her. We went back inside and the caregiver said she had just passed. And it sounds batty as all get out but some little part of this non-believer thinks that maybe the eagle did take her.....

 

[Sonya]

Thankyou Samplemm and Angc.

Angc thanks for sharing your story...your Mom sure defied the odd....my Dad has also, he was 62 when he retired and although they couldn't afford for him to retire he did anyhow because at that time they told him he had 5-6 years left. Almost 10 years and he is still here. We made it here with no problems, just rain and high winds. My sister from NC met us so we could walk in together. When we went in his room, his face lit up and he startes to cry (I have never seen my Dad cry)...he hugged us so hard saying he thought he wasn't going to see us again. Us being here has given him a big lift and my Mom says he hasn't been this good in a few weeks. I am afraid to leave now. Hospice nurse said my Dad is different than most patients...most patients will stop eating and drinking and within a week or two they pass...my Dad won't be like that...he feels he will continue to eat, etc...it could happen at any time, there will be no warning.

I am suppose to go back today, have to work tomorrow but I want to stay...not sure what I am going to do.

Thankyou again everyone for your kind words, thoughts, prayers, and stories...they have brought me much comfort. Just being able to share with you all has helped.

 

[dreamlandnh]

Sonya my thoughts/prayers are with you. I'm glad that you and your sister were able to make it there.

I haven't lost a parent but I have lost a grandfather that I was very close to. We found out that he had lung cancer and he battled it for about a year. The last night he was home I stayed with my Aunt and cared for him at the house with my grandmother there too and it was the a night I will never regret. Though I was up all night I cherish that time! It broke my heart to see my grandfather in that state but comforted me that I was able to be with him and talk to him. In the end my Aunt and I determined with the nurse that it would be best for him to return to the hospital so that they could provide the pain meds that he needed to remain comfortable...the whole time he was transferred from his bed to the gurney for the ambulance I held his hand and rubbed his head and said Grandpa it is ok, we are all here and we will all take care of Gram. I'm sure he could hear the tears in my voice. We had a call out to my other Aunt and she was able to make it down and he passed shortly after her arriving in the room.

Just be there and the words will come that need to be said.

 

[SampleMM]

Sonya, I just posted back to you on Facebook. It looks like you are in PA and actually really close to me. It sure is a small world.

I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. Continued prayers for strength for your entire family. (((Hugs)))

 

[Valerie]

I just got back from a trip, so was away from the computer. First of all, I am so very sorry you are all going through this. It brings up a lot of very similar feelings i was faced with last year when I knew my Dad was getting much, much worse .......I am truly thankful that my employer allowed me to work in another office in the same area my Dad lives so I was able to stay with him and between my sisters and one of my brothers and hospice, Dad was able to stay at home and die peacefully. It was around this time last year in fact that I stared working out of Salem, rather than make the 2 1/2 hour drive every weekend to try to help out. My Dad died of fatty liver disease, they gave him 6 months to 2 years and he was diagnosed 8-2010 and died Jan 2-12........ I am always here for you, if you are a private person, as i tend to be.....please feel you can PM me, I remember so much what it was like, the guilt, the second guessing....the what ifs....... The best advice I can give you is be yourself, and you will know what you want to say to your Dad, it is in your heart....and if you cannot get the words out, do not beat yourself up over it. I wanted so badly to have my Dad do some journaling, as he was the last survivor from his whole family, his parents, his 3 brothers and my own Mom all passed before him......so now I do not have either parent, am not an orphan with 6 siblings (all grown)......but have what feels like a fractured family.

I can tell you the hardest part, ok one of the hardest parts was watching my big bear of a Dad, get down to being able to not even get out of bed to go to the bathroom.......my Dad had Popeye arms, as my husband said and a big guy handshake....he was a policeman for 31 1/2 years and to watch him desinigrate was the worst.

Please know that we are all here for you and "hear" for you.........we can listen and if you want to vent or be sad, or any other emotion, please do so.......please take time for yourself........ after all the death in my family last year and then Dad in January, I am just not remembering that I have to take care of myself. I am sure your job is very stressful and please make sure you make your choices from your heart and your gut...... I was blessed to have been by my Dad's side all night the night be passed and I know that it was equally one the hardest and most rewarding events of my life. I will alwasy cherish my Dad and my Mom and I miss them both greatly, Mom died unexpectedly, so with Dad we got to say our goodbyes and do anything we could to help keep him home to die as he wished. His wish being fulfilled, did help, but I can also say I

miss my parents daily.

Hugs to you and again, please remember I am here for you, PM or post, whatever you need, I am just a computer away.

 

[Sonya]

I thought I would update this thread. My Dad finally went Home early yesterday morning. He passed away at his house and I was there to hold his hand as he went Home. My Mom has been in the hospital very ill for almost 3 weeks, she was released yesterday about 10 hours after he passed away, it was heartbreaking telling her that her husband of 50 years passed away...they didn't get to say goodbye

. My Father was a wonderful man, so many accomplishments in his life, a decorated Veteran, he tought me so much and introduced so many things to me, including horses. I will miss him with all my heart.

 

[Matt73]

I'm so sorry. I'm glad you were there with him when he passed.

 

[jacks'thunder]

Oh Sonya.... I'm so sorry

Please know your in my thoughts and prayers. My heart goes out to you my friend...

 

[Riverrose28]

I'm so sorry! Thank God you got to be there.

 

[Valerie]

Sonya,

I am so very sorry to hear of your Dad's passing and it breaks my heart that your Mom did not get to say goodbye to him....wish I could take away all of your hurt and pain.

Please know I am thinking of you and your family at this time, life is precious and our loved ones always live on in our hearts, but it cannot replace the phone calls, letter, etc that we did when they were living with us, I miss my parents daily.

Hugs.... Valerie

 

[SampleMM]

Oh Sonya, please accept my deepest sympathies to you and your family. I am so glad that you were able to be with your dad as he passed as it truly is a gift. Also, I hope your mom is on the mend. My goodness, you sure have been through a lot. (((hugs))))

 

[LindaL]

I am so sorry for your loss Sonya! Having just lost my Mom, I truly understand your pain...{{{hugs}}}

 

[vickie gee]

Sonya, you have my heartfelt sympathy. I was thinking of you and your Dad just yesterday while I was out with the herd. I know this is difficult and I am so very sorry about your Mom's situation and health as well. What a blessing that you were able to be with him.

May his memory remain warm in your heart and comfort you in your sorrow. You have described him in the past as such a sweet father and I know you made him proud. Love is eternal and those we love continue to be with us in spirit. Though apart from you he is still part of you which you will feel in the echoes of the words you have heard him speak in the past.