Do I have negative effects on my horses?

[Celia]

Okay, I am going to be very honest and open, because I am just too worried about my minis, Calvin & Beamer..Long post, but please read, I really need some insight...

I have been suffering form major depression & anxiety & stuff, and am in a pretty big relapse right now..And am wondering what effect I am having on my little horses, who live at home and have to deal with all my big load of crap just about 24/7..

See, I have been noticing that Beamer has been very behaviorally unsound lately, just as Calvin has been increasingly flighty and just plain UNHAPPY.

It started about a month ago, when I came back from being out of town. Calvin and Beamer were staying at the barn that I work at, since no one at home was able to take care of them...at least not the way I like them to be. So when I came back, the two were very excited to see me...but when they came back home, I began to notice Calvin being very fresh and flighty, though there was big pointers as to why. At first I assumed that he was just giving me a delayed reaction to how upset he was without me--he was neglected before I got him, so I thought maybe he was holding a grudge because he was scared he was being abandoned. But that was about the time that my relapse was worsening..In fact, I was hospitalized for about 10 days, and just got home about a week ago...He has been even more depressed. I had been trying to do things he likes, kind of starting anew to see if I just needed to regain his trust. But things he used to like, he now does grudgingly and unenthusiastically. For example, he is one who likes to WORK. He's not the little chill pleasure pony like Beamer is. He loves to RUN and JUMP as his top two activities in life. Well, when I was letting him run out around, free-longeing and such, he's been pinning his ears and his very overly expressive blue eyes are just looking listless. He is NEVER like this. (As far as health, he's doing great. The vet is coming out sometime next week for spring shots and such, so of course we'll double check--but he is on his feed, shedding out well, shiney coat, clear eyes, perfect weight...etc. It's just all in his mood.)

In addition, Beamer, my 3 y/o, a typical "Steady-Eddy" who isn't phased by ANYthing (though who has a lot of health issues), has turned in a major handful, following the same timeline as Calvin, except just Acting Out. He is bitey and fresh, trying to ram you over when leading him--I handle him every single day, and yes I correct him, but nothing ever convinces him that it's a bad idea to take a chunk out of your leader's knee, or that one really should not take off trotting when you are just walking down the drive. (!) No matter where I work him, when I work him, or if using incentives or corrctive measures of any kind, longing him before in-hand work--NOTHING stops him from bratting on me the ENTIRE time NONstop. I've tried everything I know of, and all he does is he looks at me with his sad baby browns--it seems like he's saying in a pitiful tone that he just wishes I knew how to deal with this--and then proceeds to be bad again!

Okay, I have been probably writing more than anyone will ever read..but basically I am just so concerned because I know that when a horse is constantly in a stressful setting, this can not only have a negative affect on their mood, but their health as well, which freaks me out and worries me even more that I am making things bad for them, when they deserve so much better..I try grounding and relaxation before going out to the barn, but nothing helps because they can tell that it's all just a lie, that I'm just putting on a face so to speak, and doesn't make any difference because I can't keep it together for long anyways..

Lastly, I have gotten to the point in my treatment where no one thinks there is any other option besides residential. So I will be going away, and they will be living at another barn (I'm hoping the one I got them from) for months while I am away..I am so sad about that because they probabaly won't remember me, at least I don't think, but they won't know what's going on and though I know they will be in the best possible place, I will just worry so much..I'm not exactly sure why I mentioned this last part, but yeah..

Thank you greathly for reading this WoT, it means a lot to me to hear your feedback.

Thank you,

TheGoldenFilly

 

[Genie]

Well, firstly, I hope that you get the help you need to feel better.

I have a couple of 2 year old colts we raised and both of them go from being sane to being brats.

Even with constant work they are kind of unpredicatable.....testosterones?????????

As for remembering.................they say that horses will remember for 5 years.

Get well and God bless you.

 

[Contessa]

Yes horses can read your emotions and react to it. It sounds like you are in a confused state right now and that would explain their behavior. I have seen this with my own minis reacting to my moods. I lost my mother last year and my minis were extremely calm for months afterwards because they felt the sadness in me. Someone once said the best thing for the inside of a person is the outside of a horse, or something like that. I think your minis are really confused right now as to your emotional swings. Hope that makes sense to you and I wish you the best.

 

[Reignmaker Miniatures]

I rarely post but wanted to tell you not to worry. Horses remember for a VERY long time. My first horse (eons ago lol) remembered me even if I didn't see him for years at a time after I passed him along to a niece. That bond is quit powerful. Second, yes it is possible you are affecting your horses behaviour but it is also possible that there are other causes or it could be a combination of both but rest assured horses are very forgiving and if you can get your own problems under control they will not hold a grudge against you at all. Give yourself the time to get well and in the meantime spend your time together in quiet ways, lots of grooming and just being together. Don't try to train them right now and be sure to prevent the bad behaviour before it happens,such as tie them up before grooming, stay alert and focused when you lead them and watch for those tell tale clues (ears flicked your way is one) that a nip is coming. Oh and forgive them for their transgressions and most of all forgive yourself for your struggles. We all struggle to over come something.

 

[Molly's Run Minis]

it is 100% possible! i know when i was really depressed and just wanted to end it, i took a peice of glass and, well, you know.... but misty, my grulla mare actually pinned her ears, pranced up to me, took the glass out of my hand, ran about 10 feet away, dropped it and pranced back and started licking my wound. no joke, i was in shock as to what she did! i didnt know a horse could care so much! at first i didnt even know what happened! she's, literally, my little angel

 

[ruffian]

How old are these guys and are they still intact stallions? If so, gelding might be the answer. To me it sounds more like there is something going on at the barn while you are not there. I really don't think that you're affecting their attitudes as greatly as you may think.

 

[krissy3]

How old are these guys and are they still intact stallions? If so, gelding might be the answer. To me it sounds more like there is something going on at the barn while you are not there. I really don't think that you're affecting their attitudes as greatly as you may think.

I tend to agree... are your horse getting enough space to be horses? If you are not there to "entertain " them, they could be bored out of their minds. Honestly , you could just find some pasture to give a 3 or 4 hour turnout everyday for them to run and play. This will tire them out , calm them down, and clear their minds, and they will need you a bit less .

Now for you... are you taking herbs or medication? taking care of yourself, getting sunlight, vitamins,reading posative books and staying away from depressing news on television. The world is a crummy place , its easy to get depressed. I would give your horses a bit of Freedom to cake care of themselves , and a pasture would do that, while you get things in check for yourself.

good luck

 

[Celia]

Thank you very much for everyone's reply--yes, they are both geldings (though Calvin was gelded late at 9 since I only got him a year ago) and get several hours (if not the whole day) turnout daily. I will definitely try to spend some more time "just being" with them, and you're right that it's not the time to spend training--especially if I am going to be gone, and they'll mainly be pasture ponies (lucky them!

) while I'm away, so it won't make much difference anyways.

I am 16 and have been dealing with this stuff about 5 years now..that is why they want me in rez because nothing else seems to be helping, and I've been in hospitals way too many times and they insurance doesn't want to pay anymore.. :/ so yeah.

Thank you all again,

TheGoldenFilly

Celia

 

[weerunner]

I believe these horses can absorb and understand so much more than most people think. Explain to them about what is wrong with you, explain that you have to go away to get it fixed and that you WILL return to them and you still love them dearly. I think they will get the idea and if not you at least will feel better about it. Horses have great healing powers. I hope you feel better soon, life is full of crap, but also full of some really wonderful things, like your little pals.

amanda

 

[bullockcorner]

I read your post and felt compelled to reply. First and foremost, take care of YOU!!

I too, suffer from anxiety and depression, although not to the extreme you describe. Horses (or any animal) should be a balm, not add more to your worries. And they CAN be if you let them. Don't worry that you are "harming" them. They will be fine. As long as their physical needs are being met (and it sounds like they are), and you are giving them love and attention, they will be fine. I agree with the previous posts about not trying to do any "training", just enjoy them and love them for now until you get well. However.....I also stress that you can't let them "misbehave" either, and correction for bad behavior is ALWAYS appropriate (and it sounds like you're doing that).

Kudos to you for taking good care of these horses and caring so much about their well-being, but don't let it overwhelm you.

Take care, my friend, and let your soul heal. It CAN be done. And know you are NOT alone.

 

[krissy3]

Johannas berg herb drops taken 4 times a day helps me get through the winter stressful season. I will never go without it again.Its an herb, so it cant hurt you . Give it a try...it wont take away the stress, it will just help you manage it with out getting upset.

 

[Sue_C.]

Just a heads-up...ANYTHING can hurt you. Many poisons are made from natural plant extracts, and many herbs can be bad for you if taken incorrectly. `

They should be treated with the very same respect that most of us give to prescription drugs.

Herb Safety

I believe these horses can absorb and understand so much more than most people think. Explain to them about what is wrong with you, explain that you have to go away to get it fixed and that you WILL return to them and you still love them dearly. I think they will get the idea and if not you at least will feel better about it. Horses have great healing powers. I hope you feel better soon, life is full of crap, but also full of some really wonderful things, like your little pals.

First and foremost, take care of YOU...Horses (or any animal) should be a balm, not add more to your worries. And they CAN be if you let them. Don't worry that you are "harming" them. They will be fine. As long as their physical needs are being met (and it sounds like they are), and you are giving them love and attention, they will be fine. I agree with the previous posts about not trying to do any "training", just enjoy them and love them for now until you get well. However.....I also stress that you can't let them "misbehave" either, and correction for bad behavior is ALWAYS appropriate (and it sounds like you're doing that). Kudos to you for taking good care of these horses and caring so much about their well-being, but don't let it overwhelm you. Take care, my friend, and let your soul heal. It CAN be done. And know you are NOT alone.

Well said, and DITTO THAT!

Take care, be safe, and just give yourself time...know you are thought well of, and needed.

 

[hobbyhorse23]

I'm gonna be a little different than some of the replies here. Yes, I agree that not having enough turnout time, poor handling, health issues and other causes can make a horse act out. On the other hand, that's not the feeling I'm getting from your guys and from what you write. You gave us very good information and in no way "ran on," so don't worry about that!

You told us exactly the kinds of things we need to get a picture of what's going on and I commend your bravery, by the way, in exposing your difficulties and concerns in such an eloquent way. I would never have guessed you're 16 and you have my respect for all of the above.

Now! Let me address some specific things.

In addition, Beamer, my 3 y/o, a typical "Steady-Eddy" who isn't phased by ANYthing (though who has a lot of health issues), has turned in a major handful, following the same timeline as Calvin, except just Acting Out. He is bitey and fresh, trying to ram you over when leading him--I handle him every single day, and yes I correct him, but nothing ever convinces him that it's a bad idea to take a chunk out of your leader's knee, or that one really should not take off trotting when you are just walking down the drive. (!) No matter where I work him, when I work him, or if using incentives or corrctive measures of any kind, longing him before in-hand work--NOTHING stops him from bratting on me the ENTIRE time NONstop. I've tried everything I know of, and all he does is he looks at me with his sad baby browns--it seems like he's saying in a pitiful tone that he just wishes I knew how to deal with this--and then proceeds to be bad again!

You nailed it with that last sentence- he wishes he knew how to deal with this. He's a young horse who doesn't have the experience to know how to process all the emotional energy you're projecting. Horses mirror our emotional states so he may be acting out and try to express the feelings he can't understand in the only way he can. You do need to correct him as that is not an appropriate way to express those feelings, but more important is to acknowledge the root of the problem and help him find a constructive way to express what he's feeling. (Yes everyone, I know I sound new-agey. I'm fine with that.

)

I have a gelding that is just like the sentences I bolded above and for us the root of the problem was his sense of fair-play. If I had an external focus when leading him, say trying to get through a pasture gate or walk through a construction zone, he was golden, right there with me and doing any manuever necessary light as a feather. But if I asked him to do those same things in an obstacle class or just for practice he'd fight me every step of the way, biting and shoving and bulling through me, because I think he truly believed I was doing it just to prove I could push him around and that totally incensed him. He felt my behavior was a betrayal of our partnership. I have spent five years trying to get through to him that these things are supposed to be FUN, and that it's meant to be the two of us against the other competitors (something he enjoys when driven) and not me against him. He had a mental block about it and acted almost as if he couldn't hear me. Finally, FINALLY this last year at 10 years old he suddenly GOT it and all his resistance just melted away. He's still prone to quick temper if he thinks I'm pushing him around but I can now remind him that we're partners and he's being silly and he'll calm down and work in-hand the way he always has driving. I could correct the individual behaviors from now until armageddon but until the feeling behind the behaviors was addressed it was never going to work. I was just treating the symptoms and not the disease, if you will.

..I try grounding and relaxation before going out to the barn, but nothing helps because they can tell that it's all just a lie, that I'm just putting on a face so to speak, and doesn't make any difference because I can't keep it together for long anyways..

Exactly. Have you read a book by Linda Kohanov called "The Tao of Equus?" I read it when I was only a little older than you and it was extremely eye-opening for me. She put into words a lot of the things I'd been feeling but couldn't quite explain and gave me tools to help myself and my horses. One of the things she talks about the most is the concept of emotional congruence, which means making the way you feel on the inside and the way you act on the outside match. Horses are supremely sensitive to emotional congruence and don't like being around people who are trying to hide negative emotions. It's not that they aren't comfortable with fear or anger or pain, it's the fact that someone is trying to hide them!

Emotions are just feedback and are neither good or bad. Animals do not hide what they feel; it's against their nature. Every horse knows that if a predator walks openly in the field to get water he isn't a threat but one who is lying quietly and trying not to be alarming is probably hunting. Beware! You can try this for yourself...walk into a field with something your horses don't like (a dewormer syringe, for instance) and completely ignore them. REALLY ignore them, don't just pretend to. Walk purposefully to some point in the field and do something specific, then leave. Then try that again while attempting to hide the syringe and catch the horses. Good luck! *LOL*

Part of why your horses are reacting so much is because you're trying to put a positive face on when you don't really feel it. They already know exactly how you feel inside so don't try to put up a front for them. You can't ask your horses to take responsibility for trying to make you feel better but you can acknowledge how you feel and simply be there with them. That by itself will make you feel better! Remember, it works both ways. Wouldn't it be better to try and soak up or mirror your horses' positive feelings than asking them to bear your negative feelings? I'm not saying you're doing that, but some people do. There are definitely horses who will comfort someone who is hurting but others really resent even someone they love expecting them to "take it." Just be with your horses in the present moment and concentrate on physical sensations like the smell of the dirt and feel of their fur and the caress of the wind on your cheek. My tentative feeling is that your horses are mirroring your emotional state and going through this with you rather than disassociating themselves but of course we can't be sure over the internet. Let them tell you what they need.

Lastly, I have gotten to the point in my treatment where no one thinks there is any other option besides residential. So I will be going away, and they will be living at another barn (I'm hoping the one I got them from) for months while I am away..I am so sad about that because they probabaly won't remember me, at least I don't think, but they won't know what's going on and though I know they will be in the best possible place, I will just worry so much..I'm not exactly sure why I mentioned this last part, but yeah..

They will remember you. Horses remember traumatic things that happened to them as foals- why do people think they'll forget someone they love?? You're right that they won't know what's going on though. Talk to your horses! Tell them how you feel, and what you're afraid of, and what will be happening to you and them both. Even if they don't understand the words they'll understand the gist of it and they'll certainly understand what's in your heart and that you care about them.

I strongly recommend you pick up a copy of "The Tao of Equus" and the following two books to read when you can. They are very interesting! Best of luck to you and feel free to PM anytime if you want to talk.

Leia