Do I need to let go of a special

[horsefeather]

I have debated on bringing this to the forum for several days now. But, I can't seem to get it out of my mind, so maybe some of youall can give me some advice and help me with it. I will try and keep this semi-short. I am an only child, and my mother was extremely selfish of my time spent with her. My dad died in 2000 and since then mom has lived next door to me. I lost her this past January. She was 85, and had a good life and I know she is much happier now. Here is my problem. Since mom was so selfish with my time I have tried very hard to not do that to my daughter (who is also an only child). I try to not make her 'choose' if she wants or needs to go someplace else for Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. My mom, dad, husband, daughter and I started our own 'tradition' 11 or 12 years ago. After we opened presents on Christmas morning, we would all go to town for breakfast, then home and on to whatever each wanted to do on their own. My daughter has found a great guy and lives with him (really believe they will marry..hope so, wasn't raised that way...but haven't said anything

). Anyway, she wants us to go to their house Christmas morning. I don't have a problem with that. But...she wants to fix something there and not go to town. This is just so silly...I don't know why I am taking up time on here for this...but I keep thinking this was the LAST thing we all did together. Do I need to just let go? For those of you who know me, I'm usually not real sentimental (except where animals are concerned), so I don't know why this is being so hard. OK, that's enough. Sorry. Don't feel, even if you have read all this that you need to post...I need to work this out on my own. This has just been a particularly hard year for me.

Edit to say I know there are MANY more on here that have lost far more than I have. I'm sorry.

 

[minih]

Pam, sometimes when there has been alot of change it is really hard on some to keep doing things the same way. I am having a hard time this year, will not go into it here, but we are changing up when we are going to open presents with my brother and his family. For me that is a good thing, maybe it will help side track me on what I am missing this year. Understand? Maybe your daughter is trying to change a few things to make it easier on her, OR maybe she is just wanting to have a Merry Christmas at her new home, and share with everyone else. Just some suggestions on why she would want a change. Have you asked her why? She may not even realize what it means to you. I do not want this to come out sounding harsh, because I do not mean it that way, but you do have your daughter wanting to spend Christmas with you. Be thankful. <<hugs>>

 

[justaboutgeese]

It is a dilemma. But what I see is that your daughter wants the privilege of preparing a breakfast or brunch for you rather than eating out. Its a small difference but the thought is there and she is reaching out for your company. Who knows she might get a nice ring this Christmas. Given the chance I would take the invitation and enjoy the time with her. Geese

 

[liltnt]

It could be quite possible that this would be the only year this happens. But it could be the begining of a new tradition. When they marry and have children, this could be breakfast christmas morning with them. Unless of course you do a big dinner.

My ex mother inlaw always came to my house, yes even after the divorce to let the kids have christmas at home and not take them away from heir presents. It allowed her to spent this time with them and not miss out on the special day. I always felt it was a very thoughtful thing to do.

 

[horsefeather]

Thanks guys. You see, I DID need a different view. I don't want to talk to my daughter about this, as she would immediately put her wants aside and go with mine...that I do not want. And yes, I am VERY thankful that my daughter is close and we can spend time together. I think I probably knew the answer all along, just didn't want to 'let go' of the last thing with my folks. But, guess it's best to take care of the family that is still here. I hope mom understands.

minih and geese, and any others who have had their lives changed or uprooted..thanks for your opinions and I hope we can all move on to a better year with 2006!

 

[Jenn]

Being a daughter myself, I understand where your daughter is coming from. I bet she just wants to start a new tradition to allow all of you to start fresh.

Coincedentally, I, too, am having Christmas breakfast for my husband's family here this year for the first time. They have their own traditions they've been doing forever - some of them are a little wierd and cultural and don't fit with my own beliefs. Therefore, I'm starting something new that I can feel like I'm a part of.

 

[Trinity_Acres]

[SIZE=14pt]Hi Pam,[/SIZE]

I'm glad to see that you're handling this so well. I too am having a difficult time this year as my oldest son (20yrs) is leaving for Florida on Wednesday with his girlfriend and her family to spend Christmas with them down there (brats!

) as well as New Years. I want them here! But I have to remind myself that he's an adult now and makes his own decisions. He respected us enough that he did ask us first if we were okay with it. Of course, dad was perfectly fine. But, inside I wasn't...I was very sad and immediately homesick for the traditions we started 20 years ago. But, knowing how much it meant to him and his girlfriend, I said yes I'd be fine. They should go. Although inside I didn't believe it for a minute. And to be truthful, I still don't Before long he'll be moved out, married and maybe have children. He will develop his own traditions with his new family someday. I was lucky in that our parents were very supportive of us doing the very same. I need to respect his choice. He's happy and yes, it will be very different not having him here Christmas morning or on New Year's.

But it all goes along with this new chapter we've begun in our lives.

I did have a crazy thought tho. As I was reading the posts...maybe she wants to make a nice meal and follow by "an announcement???" I'd for sure rather make the announcement at home with family than in a public restaurant. Hmmm.....

Seriously though, engagement announcement or not, I think it's important to be supportive of our adult children and their wanting to break free of the "mommy and daddy" relationship and be not only our child, but also allow them establish the adult Mom & Dad relationship, and be our friend as the wonderful adults they are. However, to do that we must step aside and let them grow up. I really miss my babies. (Infact, I cried tonight because of a stupid TV show where young lady had her first child. I remember that day as if it were yesterday!)

I always say, "Life is like a chapter book, we read the chapter and go to the next with anticipation. If we insist on rereading the same chapter, we'll never enjoy the whole story." I say, get ready for a new chapter in your life and enjoy quite possibly your new family tradition. I honestly think your mom would agree...after all you said you started your tradition 11 years ago. I sure you and your family had many wonderful memories. You'll still have those and now you will create new and happy memories with a new Christmas tradition.

And we thought changing diapers and being up all night was hard!!! Yeah right...just try watching your fledglings leave the nest!

You will be in my thoughts and prayers over the holiday.

Hang in there!!

Have a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year!!

Janine

 

[Marty]

I am a traditional nut case in my house especially on Christmas.

It would break my heart if my kids do not carry on our traditions that were in my family forever. But they might. I hate them growing up and making their own decisions but I have no advice to offer you.

 

[Bess Kelly]

I wonder if your daughter is thinking that it may be a way to lessen your sadness of the loss of your mother by having the family breakfast in a different location? It doesn't sound as if she means any disrespect.

My thoughts are to accept with a smile and know that the tradition of "a breakfast together" is still there........

one day you will be glad the granchildren will be able to play at home and not pouting in a restaurant. We rotate breakfast between myself, my son & my daughters home. It's nice.....

 

[Miniv]

Something tells me that you are in bittersweet mode from your mom's passing, especially because of the time of year (which is very understandable) and I suspect your daughter knows that and is feeling it too. Perhaps she wants to change things just a bit and start a new tradition because of that.

I like Trinity Acre's description regarding our "chapters in life"......It is very true. Whenever there are major life changes, traditions seem to change too.....but that's okay, I think. But I notice there's always a basic part of the tradition that stays put, and I think that's good too.

You know what the absolute best thing about you and your daughter is? That you are both so very close and WANT to spend time together.....no matter where or how.

You are loved.....cherish every moment.

MA

 

[minih]

MA you said what I was trying to say alot better.

 

[REO]

Yes,what MA said

The tradition was for all of you to eat together before going off to do your own things afterwards. (I'm not making light of what you did before, I'm the same way) but at your daughter's you'll still be together for the meal. Being together is all that matters. You never know when someone will no longer be there. Savor what you do have.

My family is gone now and along with them, all the joy I ever had. And the traditions. For years now, we just do horse chores and eat something. It's like a regular day to us. BUT I have my memories and no changes on earth will ever take them from me.

 

[billiethekid40]

I'm going to pipe in from the other perspective...the newly moved out daughter. This is my first time living in my own place. Our tradition for thanksgiving is to have a huge family dinner, either at home or at my grandparents home. THIS year, being my very first in my own place, I wanted to have my very first turkey dinner. SO, we did. I don't think it will disrupt our tradition for more than this year, and I felt so grown up and special to be hosting thanksgiving dinner here!

Also, in October I started a new "tradition". My mothers uncle passed away a year ago in October and she was very close to him. I moved into an appartment which actually overlooks the cemetary he is in (coincidentally, didnt notice till we moved in and the leaves started to fall). So on the day he passed away I had my parents and grandparents over, we visisted his grave and I cooked my first dinner for my grandparents. This is a tradition I hope will stick, at least as long as I live in this appartment.

So chances are your "little girl" just wants to feel like a "big girl" this year. You shouldn't have any trouble going back to the usual schedule next year!

 

[wcr]

Both of my parents are dead and I am unmarried with no children. I moved to Oregon 12 years ago and have no family within a 1000 miles. This is a set up for depression during the holidays when we pull traditions out of the closet and dust them off.

I have what I call chosen family I spend time with and have made new traditions to make the holidays special in my mind. I had to make the effort as I came from a traditional type family and the holidays seemed so empty when I couldn't be with family. Once I realized that Xmas was really just another day and it was ok to change things then it became much easier.

I think your daughter is making the time-honored move to make her own traditions and is in no way disrepecting your traditions. It sounds like the only one keeping a death grip on the traditions is yourself. Relax, go with the flow. You may find you like the new tradtions better but you won't know until you try them.

Also another perspective; I work in hospitals and people are sick and need care 24/7. Beyond that I don't feel businesses that aren't in the business of life and death should be open on Xmas. Don't patronize them and it isn't cost effective to stay open so those workers can spend the holidays with their families.

 

[Sterling]

I'm a firm believer in "change is good". I do understand your feelings on traditions....we have them here in our family too. Maybe this year as with your daughters plans, you can enjoy the time spent with her and let her lavish upon you her special treats. You can always go back to doing traditions next year or the year after that......