Having Kids

[Lisa]

For the last few years, I haven't been sure if I want to have kids ever. There are several reasons:

a) I don't know if I have a sufficient reason for having kids. To me, bringing a child into this world (especially given the way it is) should be done for the right reasons. Having someone to take care of me when I'm old, having someone who will give me unconditional love, having someone to be "a part of me" all seem like selfish reasons to have kids.

b) I don't know if I am selfless enough to have kids. I love my own time, I feel...I'm not even sure how to describe it...when I don't have at least some time where I can just chill, read, do whatever and have no demands on me or my time. It scares me to think that I'll not have time for myself if I have kids. For example, the women who say "Oh, yah, I used to love to read and then I had kids." That scares the heck out of me because reading and writing are so much a part of me.

c) I don't know if I will ever get married: that I'll find someone who I love enough to marry and wants to marry me. I know the person I want to marry now, but there is a distinct possibility that he doesn't feel the same about me, we're just friends now.

d) I love to travel and have a lot of things that I want that I need money for and having kids does not really work with that idea. I'm not sure I want to be tied down that much.

On the other hand, a part of me would love to have kids and feels like I "have to" that that is my purpose in life. That's how I've been raised. I am the only woman in my family who has no children and I feel like that is something lacking in me. I have names picked out for my kids, if I have kids I know how many I want and I feel that I could be a good mother. I also would give anything to have the child of the man I'm in love with, but again, I don't know if he feels the same way.

Any time I bring up that fact that I don't know if I want kids, my mom tells me "Yes, you do." I think she feels quite threatened that I don't know if I want kids or not. She says to me "Who will take care of you when you get old and we are gone and your sister and brothers have their own family?" I always reply that first of all that's not a good reason to have kids and second of all...the government OH! Yesterday, we got into a small...tiff, not really anything huge but I half jokingly told her "Fine, if I choose not to have kids, I'll bear the bloody thing and YOU can raise it." She said "Good."

It's a stupid and unreasonable situation to argue about whether or not I'm going to have kids since I'm not in the position to have kids at the moment anyways. I always hear people say that when you have kids, all that goes out the window and you change and you don't care about anything you used to think was important.

If I met someone, or if me and my ex got back together, who I wanted to marry and we chose together to have children than that would be fine. I am not saying I don't want them or that I will never have them, I'm just saying it's basically a wait and see situation: if I'm with someone who wants them, I'll have them, if I'm not than I probably won't.

How do you deal with people who don't accept what may be a choice for you, but at this moment you aren't sure and don't think it's really even an issue anyways? I had one old man when I was sitting in the food court of the mall with my grandparents and my cousin and her new son and he said to me "Just wait until its your turn." And I replied "I don't know if I will have kids." and this guy who doesn't even know me informed me that I would change my mind.

 

[minih]

Sometimes in families, especially between moms and daughters, there is a time to argue and a time not to argue. As much as your mom would like grandchildren (sounds like her clock is ticking while yours isn't

) you are the one in charge on this one. No one can make you have a child unless you want to. This is your decision if you decide not to, and if you decide to, you and your childs father. It is best when the subject is brought up to smile and not comment on it. I do not think children should be brought into the world unless they are very wanted. It is your body and your life. Period.

 

[Pepipony]

Ahhh to have or not to have, that is the question.....

Let me give you a little backstory so you'll know where i am coming from. One side of family is Catholic, so not having kids is not the norm and then decision to not have any, well, that just isnt a decision for a mrere mortal. The other side is blue-blooded English, and you must have 2 and have them raised by nannies/help, cant do it on your own. I have never wanted kids, not ever. The sight/sound of a screaming baby skeeves me out to no end and I HATED babysitting my niece/nephew. Add to that, that I had long dormant health problems when I 'knew' that something wasnt right with me and now I am very glad I had no kids. To me, kids are a selfless act and I am selfish, hubby is too. I also worry about the things you do as well.

The first few years of our decision made all our families a little squeamish. They didnt get it at all. Now, most understand and those with more than a couple kids, state that while they love theirs kids, they wish they had never had them. When I ask why they did, familial pressure. Having kids isnt for everyone and you must follow your heart and gut.

As for how to handle family if they dissagree. Well, I was polite for a few years, but the naggers eventually got put in their place. Its MY life, so its MY decision. Dont like it, tough tookie. Thankfully my close family never really had a problem, hubbys on the other hand, was a different story. I eventually told him if you dont make them stop nagging me, I will, and no one will be happy if I do

Just remember, you're a big girl and these big decisions are yours. Stick to what you want and dont let them pressure you into doing something you have reservations about. Good luck! Heather

 

[mininik]

Good grief, you're younger than me. Relax! Enjoy life! Keep being responsible! And tell your mother to mind her own business. We aren't all here to pop out children. Besides, I think the planet has enough people to deal with already and will no doubt have even more once you make your decision, either way.

Well said, Pep - from one selfish individual to another!

 

[Marty]

Its true, once you have kids your life is no longer yours alone.

I used to read books too but that was replaced with changing diapers and filling up bottles.

I used to travel too but that was replaced with traveling to the store for more formula, diapers, and baby food. I used to do this, this and this, and that was replaced with being a Den Mother for the scouts, Pre school and kindergarten teacher's assistant, children's Sunday school teacher, endless Christmas pagents of course, youth choir coach, shall I continue? It just goes with the territory and when you are a mom, these thing just come naturally.

This is not the end of your life, its the beginning of a whole new one!

How do you deal with people who don't accept what may be a choice for you

To that I say, you have your life and I have mine. Mind your own business!

 

[susanne]

Lisa,

Your reasons for not having children are very similar to ours. Fortunately (if you can call it that), I had an additional reason that only the most brazen could argue with -- I'm a type I diabetic, and Keith and I didn't get married until we were 31. We just said point blank that it wasn't an option. We did consider adoption, but sadly you have to have money for that (how pathetic that you don't need ANY resources to make your own, but it costs a small fortune to give an existing child a home).

I am so thankful that my mother never felt a need to push us for grandchildren. My MIL was a bit pushier, and Keith's brother was more so. The worst were friends and co-workers who had no business whatsoever, but saw fit to tell Keith that we were being selfish, that childbearing was a woman's greatest meaning in life, that diabetics could have children, etc., etc., ad nauseum. (They knew better than to say anything like this to me, hehe...can you say rip them a new one?)

The fact that you are still deciding makes it more difficult to tell them to back off, but you CAN say exactly that. Tell your mother that if she loves you and wants to have you in her life that she will respect that it is your choice as to what and when.

Don't you just love the "who will take care of you" question? That's really looking for confirmation that YOU will take care of HER in her old age.

Hang in there. In the end, nobody can force you to have children for them. This is your decision, and your reasons for questioning reproduction are very sound. Your mother is the one being selfish.

 

[Miniv]

And the main reason to have kids is so you'll have someone around to take care of you in old age????? Yikes.

I always thought the reason to have a child was to bring a new being into this world and raise it to the best of your ability to help make the next generation a better place!

Guess I got THAT wrong.

Larry and I are late parents.......and it sure has been a wake up call. It's meant that all of our interests and priorities have taken a major shift. (As Marty pointed out.) And if a person doesn't want to do that, that is up to them.........Everyone has that right.

If I were in your situation I would say.....I would rather be childless than be a lousy parent. Period.

 

[Lisa]

Thanks for all the input.

I think you guys are getting the wrong impression of my mom. She is a fantastic mother, very loving and I hope that I am just like her if I have kids. By saying "Who will take care of you when you get old?" She's trying to appeal to my more practical nature. She's trying to give me "reasons" to have kids, to combat my reasons not to have kids.

As much as your mom would like grandchildren (sounds like her clock is ticking while yours isn't biggrin.gif )

She has grandchildren (or rather one grandchild). My sister's daughter is four. We are just really close and because I'm her only biological daughter, she wants me to have children too.

Good grief, you're younger than me. Relax! Enjoy life! Keep being responsible!

haha that's what I'm trying to do!

Don't you just love the "who will take care of you" question? That's really looking for confirmation that YOU will take care of HER in her old age.

She knows me and my siblings will take care of them...but I think she's probably looking at what we're going through with her dad being in a home and all of this and doesn't like the idea of me being in a home, with no one to visit me, etc.

 

[Brandi*]

I am 26 and my husband is 30. We have been married for 5 and a half years now and together for about 8. I honestly don't know if we will have children. I have NEVER liked babies! When other women are talking about how cute "little Johnny's fart was" I am just wondering what is wrong with everyone OH! Now hand me a baby animal and I am all for it! I've just never been big on babies. Everyone tells me that it will change when it's my own but I honestly don't think that's enough to convince me. Lucky for me that my husband feels the same at this time. We have no idea if we will want kids. We consider ourselves to be pretty selfish when it comes to our time. Plus it's not at all the way it used to be. People used to have several kids to help work the fields or farm. That's not so anymore. I think times are changing and us younger, coming adults are starting to realize that we DON'T have to have kids. We are focusing more on careers and our marriages.

The only way I will have a kid is if I wake up feeling the "desire" within myself to have one. I will NEVER ever be pressured into it.

I do think its very soon for people to be putting pressure on you since you aren't even in a relationship

Just listen to yourself on this one. It would be horrible to have a baby and then regret it.

 

[anoki]

I've only been pressured to have kids ONCE.....We are no longer together

He said, 'but that's not fair to me'. To which I replied, 'and it's fair to me when I don't want them????'. Anyway, there were other issues in that relationship but that was one of the big ones!

I too have never really wanted kids...yes I'd love to show someone how to ride, get them into junior handling at dog shows....but I've got 3 nieces and 2 nephews, so I can do it with them!

I have since realized that I am not totally opposed to having children, but I WILL NOT give up my animals to do so....so unless 'we' could afford it all, sorry, it won't happen. Selfish? Maybe, but I've worked too da*n hard to get what I've got right now and I've wanted it for soooo long, that I wouldn't just give it all up now.

I am lucky that I've never really had much pressure from my family, although my oldest sister has told me that I should 'just grow up' a few times now...meaning, hang out with people my own age (I have a number of close friends who are much older than me, but have similar interests as I do), meet a guy, get married, settle down, and have kids, because that's what SHE did. My Mom does not care, as long as I am happy. She supports my horse (& now dog) obsession as much as she can.

Anyway, do what is right for you. Just because you say you might never have kids, doesn't necessarily mean that it is written in stone....but don't do it, or don't feel you have to, just because family (or people) is pressuring you to do it.

~kathryn

 

[Magic]

On the other hand, a part of me would love to have kids and feels like I "have to" that that is my purpose in life. That's how I've been raised.

Any time I bring up that fact that I don't know if I want kids, my mom tells me "Yes, you do."

So then don't bring the subject up!!

Seriously, it's way too early in the game for you to be stressing about this; once you are in a committed relationship, you can worry about it then.

No one's "purpose in life" is to crank out babies--- it's a choice (or at least it should be!) And it's YOUR choice. My youngest daughter has told me that *IF* she has kids, she might just adopt instead of having one of her own, since there are so many children in need out there already. I support her decision, no matter what it is, because it's HER life, not mine.

 

[Reijel's Mom]

Well, what I'm hearing from You is that with the right person, you do want to have a child or children. Without them, you're not sure.

That all makes sense to me, and I guess I wouldn't let it worry me too much!

I was never sure, either - and I have friends who have decided NOT to, and I fully support that. I'm pretty sure I want to NOW that I'm a couple years into marriage, but I don't know that I'll go to extremes to get pregnant, either (have had a little difficulty with that).

I really like kids, but babies have never made me melt like they do so many women - I'm the same as Brandi - hand me a PUPPY!

My husband and I watched my 4 year old niece a couple of weeks ago for an overnight - we turned to each other once she was gone and agreed we were FAR too lazy to have kids

. We were joking, but both of us know darn well it's going to be HARD.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is your feelings of not being sure are NOT abnormal, I'd just put people off with a "well, guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there!"

 

[Boinky]

SHEEEWW... boy i was beginning to think myself and few of my friends were the only people that felt this way..LOL seems like 98% of my highschool and college friends have several kids by now. I"m 28 soon to be 29 in september. I really have no desire for children. When i was 10 most of my aunts started popping out babies and i changed more diapers and babysat enough so i feel like i got "baby burnout". I don't hate or dislike kids.. I don't mind them when they are someone else's so i can pick them up love on em, take them riding ect and then send them home when i'm sick of them! I"m also selfish and also do not want to give up my time with my animals (again give me a puppy or pony any day..lol). I also love to travel and do risky sports..lol

I also haven't found "mr. right". Heck i'm not even sure i want to get MARRIED even. IF i ever do it might be a different story.

Not only do i blame my selfishness for my not wanting to have children but I also have several health issues. One being a bad case of OCD in both knee's. Had it since i was very young. It has restricted my life greatly in many area's.. it could very easily be passed on. I also have Lyme disease which they feel is/can be transmitted to the fetus.. why would i want to bring a child into the world with a chronic debhilitating condition?!?!? Although my issues aren't nessarily something that most people would put off children for i PERSONALLY would NEVER breed an animal with my issues..so why would i bring a child into the world with health issues? I might adopt if i ever feel the urge...but for now i still feel like i'm way too young to have children..lol When i see my high school friends i almost have that "scandilized" feeling like "your too young to have a baby"..lol when infact we are well past the normal child bearing age for most women! lol I personally think the human race would have far less health issues if people bred selectively away from problems. Look at all the people that wear glasses.... would you breed an animal that had eye problems? Look at all the people with teeth problems, ect (minor things like that even could have been avoided if people had bred more selectively..lol).

 

[nootka]

it's no crime to decide against children, and you have put so much more thought into this than so many that think very little beyond the "babe in arms" phase.

it is probably the most extreme life-changing event you can undertake (to concieve and give birth to a child) and forever links you to the person you made that baby with...even if that person should die, they are a part of your life (for better or for worse)!

What geeks me out is how many people on this planet have children with people they (admittedly) would never marry!!!

Relax, there's plenty of time for this to sort itself out..decades, even.

Liz

 

[CheyAut]

It's neat to read there are others who do NOT want kids.

My husband and I both decided, long before even meeting, neither of us EVER want kids. I honestly can not understand why people DO want them, that is how much I do NOT! LOL! Most of my friends have kids. I never care to see them, never think "aww how cute I want to hold him/her." I never want to babysit. I could care less if I meet them. I often wonder if there is something wrong with me for feeling that way lol! Now, animals, that is different. We have have the horses (minis, ponies, large), donks, cats, dogs, rabbits, chinchillas, lizards, goats... lol!

But we're lucky our parent long ago realized we don't want kids and they respect our decision. My brother has one son (his wife can't have anymore and almost died having him), my sister has two sons and a daughter, so my dad has them as grandkids. Craig's brother has 2 daughters and 2 sons, his one sister has a daughter, and his other sister has a daughter and son. Plenty of grandkids there! So at least we don't have to feel guilty about them lacking grandkids! LOL!

Anyhow, to the OP: It seems you do not NOT want kids, you just do not want them NOW. Perfectly fine, great actually since you aren't married! Just remind your mom that when you are married, you and your husband will decide together to have kids or not. Right now you are young and unmarried, and enjoying your life. Later you may very well decide you WANT kids. But it needs to be your decision!

Jessi

 

[Warpony]

It's neat to read there are others who do NOT want kids.

My husband and I both decided, long before even meeting, neither of us EVER want kids. I honestly can not understand why people DO want them, that is how much I do NOT! LOL! Most of my friends have kids. I never care to see them, never think "aww how cute I want to hold him/her." I never want to babysit. I could care less if I meet them. I often wonder if there is something wrong with me for feeling that way lol! Now, animals, that is different. We have have the horses (minis, ponies, large), donks, cats, dogs, rabbits, chinchillas, lizards, goats... lol!

Are you my long lost twin?????

I actually do have a child. She is an amazing, smart, funny, beautiful 13 year old. She was planned. But I had her because my ex suddenly changed the game plan on me after a decade of agreeing "NO KIDS" and I was the good subservient obedient wife. I love her dearly and wouldn't "give her back" for the world but I do not have a maternal bone in my body, never had a biological clock ticking, and motherhood when she was smaller was a constant struggle. I think I did a durned good job of it, but it never came naturally and until she was about 9 I battled trying to do things right for her sake.

Everyone in my life knows "DO NOT HAND ME A BABY. DO NOT ASK ME TO BABYSIT!"

Before we had her the pestering about having kids was constant. I finally simply started saying, "I'm not willing to discuss this subject." And if they kept it up I would actually physically walk away.

Children a huge responsibility. Your entire life changes forever. It is no longer about YOU. You think you have experienced joy and sorrow? Wait until you feel those for your child. When your child hurts, it is like a hurt beyond anything you have ever felt for yourself. And when they feel joy? It makes your heart sing.

People often like to say "It is different when they are your kids." to people who say they have a hard time being around children. Sometimes that is true. In my case it was not. I loved my daughter, but I can only remember a hand full of times when she was tiny that I genuinely enjoyed being a mom (dressing her up as a flower for her first halloween was just about the most fun I have ever had. Changing diapers and cleaning up barf, not so much). Unless you are 100% sure you want kids I don't think it is fair to the kids to have them. EVERY child deserves to be wanted desperately. That is why i stopped after having one. I just knew I could never do it again. It wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to my daughter, and most importantly it wouldn't be fair to the new baby to bring it into a world with a mother who just plain doesn't "get" being a mom. It takes every bit of my willpower to be a good mom to one child, I don't think I could be there for two children without losing my mind.

To the original poster, your mom sounds like a great lady that just really wants more grandkids. Have you tried sitting down and telling her exactly how it feels when she pressures you about this? Not how you feel about having kids but how you feel when she tries to push you to have kids. Maybe if she knows how much it bothers you she will back off.

 

[susanne]

I have a new song for Willie Nelson:

"Mamas, don't let your daughters grow up to have puppies.."

(or substitute horses or whatever pet fits)

I have often thought that my maternal instincts and nurturing nature have been directed toward animals rather than human children. Keith and I are both very nurturing (Keith even more than I am), but we never felt the need to reproduce ourselves.

Perhaps it's also due to the fact that my mother was a superior mother -- no need to "get things right" with the next generation.

Sometimes I think that the peers (brothers, sisters, friends, etc) who insist that you MUST have children just want to be sure that you don't get off easy...

I say this, but I dearly love my nieces and nephers and my friends' children -- our roles in their lives are as their "oddparents."

 

[strass]

Story Time:

When my nephew was born, I went to visit and, of course, bring the new lad some really noisy toys to drive my little brother insane. My father was there and he is not known for being the most loving person on the planet. As I was walking in, he was leaving and stopped me to ask the all important questions…

“What exactly is your problem? Your equipment not work or are you gay?”

I just smiled, said “Thanks, Pops. Love ya.” And walked on by.

I waited until a few months later when I went to see him and he brought the subject up again. This time, I unloaded: “Dad, I am the oldest of six. I think you’ve done plenty of seed spreading for 3 families. Besides, when Cristy (one of my sisters) was in trouble in High School and couldn’t stay with Mom, you refused to take care of her because you already had 2 kids at home with your next wife. I had to take custody of her and get her through High School. Now, I have to wait and see if you can even manage to finish being a father for the 2 you have at home or if I am going to have to come in and take care of your responsibilities again.”

(Any Psych majors out there beginning to understand my reluctance to reproduce?)

Anyway, the point of this rambling is that the decision to have children or not belongs solely to you and your significant other. You are plenty young and have much time ahead of you to change your mind in one direction (kinda’ tricky to back on the other direction after a few years). Don’t feel rushed. Don’t feel pressured. Just take your time, make dang sure you can provide, and do what’s truly within your heart.