How soon...is "too soon"? Or...is there such a thing...?

[LindaL]

My sister told me a few weeks ago that my dad has been spending time with a few ladies these days. (In case you don't know, my mom passed away November 10, '12). At first I was very upset and sad...as if my dad had already "moved on" and was not grieving for my mom anymore..."How could he just forget about her after less than 3 months?"...that sort of reaction. But, then I talked to my dad...and hearing his voice how happy he sounds again made me wonder if I was too harsh in my thinking. My dad has known these 2 women for MANY years...one used to be our next door neighbor in the early 70's and the other (who lost her husband a month before my mom passed) has been a neighbor since the mid-70's when we moved. He had been married to my mom for 54 years, so has not been "alone" since before that time (and even then, he never lived alone..having grown up with 7 siblings and then going into the Navy). So, he was very lonely...and NEEDS companionship.

I really don't want my dad to be unhappy, lonely, sad and not have a life. I really do want happiness for my dad. He is pretty healthy for his age (77) and active. My mom's failing health for the past 5+ years kept him home much more than he would have liked.

The 2 women my dad spends time with are wonderful people and I'm sure they make my dad laugh as they both have a sense of humor. I really do like them and am glad they are a part of his life now (I mean more often).

Before this, I wondered how people "did it"...went on with their lives so soon after their spouse died...But, its not really about "forgetting" or "replacing" a spouse...Its about finding peace and companionship...and some just find it sooner than others. I know my dad has not forgotten my mom and still grieves for her, of course. He just needs people around, too.

 

[REO]

I can totally understand those feelings Linda. I would too in your place! It's natural!

It's a fact that the spouse left behind (in those long wedded unions) just wither and die inside if they are alone with no one to live life at their side. Life is for living! I know your mom would not want or expect your dad to sit there and wallow in mourning until he too dies. For a man his age being alone after losing a wife is a living death in a way. I could tell from YOU and her photos that your mom was full of the joy of living and would want no less for your dad, until they are together again.

Your mom was wonderful and your dad must be too to have had a wife like your mom. He deserves to be happy.

I bet your mom approves! They sound like great gals!

 

[Jill]

Oh, Linda! I don't like to "go there" in my thoughts. All I can say is that I'd like to give you a hug right about now. I can imagine the different directions your thoughts and emotions are taking you.

 

[MountainWoman]

I lost my husband of 30 years and there is not one single day I don't still think of him. That being said, I'm still living and I know he wouldn't have wanted me lonely and alone so I think when the person (widow, widower) feels they are ready then they are ready. Everyone is different and those of us who have had long, happy marriages are probably quicker to look for someone to share life with again. You never, ever forget someone you've loved for so many years. Just doesn't happen but you can have another great relationship. It's not a replacement in any way, shape or form. Lots of lonely widows and widowers out there who need companionship again and if they find it, that's an incredible blessing.

If you'd asked me this question before I experienced the death of my husband, I would have answered you differently but I understand lots I never understood. Hope no one has to learn the hard way.

 

[HGFarm]

Every person is different... some just cant stand to be alone. Every one grieves in a different manner as well. I agree, I dont think he will ever forget your mother... hard to tell how anyone would react unless put in that situation. I agree- he should be happy.

 

[Marty]

Maybe your mom told him to be sure to get out there and be social.

As far as a "proper" waiting period, who knows, and who's to say what is right or wrong? There is a Lifetime movie going on this week called "Twisted Fate". I encourage you to watch it as it addresses this very subject.

 

[Lil Eowyn]

A friends Dad died and her mom was practically dating another guy when he was in his death bed. 2 months after he died of cancer they were already making wedding plans--two years later they're divorced now. the mom's kids have been devastated.

 

[Mona]

Linda, maybe you are seeing his relationship with the women as more a "personal" relationship, when he might be just happy to have them strictly on a friendship level. You never mentioned that at all, so I am only assuming you were concerned with it being more on a personal level. AND, they do have the recent loss of their spouses in common, so they can relate to each other. Maybe it will lead to more in time, but maybe they are perfectly happy just being friends. (((HUGS))) to you. I know how you must be feeling.

 

[LindaL]

I think that for right now, my dad is just wanting "company" (someone to watch movies with, go to the casino with, etc), but of course, I don't know what his feelings are or what he even wants to do for the future. It is hard being so far away, but my sister sees him quite a lot and relays things to me. so far it isn't really "dating", but...who knows if it will lead there?

All I know is I do want my dad to be happy. He deserves it. My mom would not have wanted him to be lonely, so I'm sure she has played a role in this somehow. She was that kind of woman...only wants happiness for everyone she loves/cares about.

 

[Charlene]

i agree...there's no "time" limit. gary has been gone just over 5 years. i've been asked out. went once. never did it again. all i could think about was, why isn't this HIM??? i never have reached the "acceptance" stage of grief, not sure i ever will. i had the best, can't imagine settling for anything less.

i'm actually pretty content being a hermit (hermitess?? lol). i have my dogs for company and they keep my bed plenty warm!

 

[MountainWoman]

Linda, your Mother sounds so amazing and I can only begin to imagine how much your family misses her. So hard to lose someone you love.

Charlene, grief is a funny thing and I'm not sure I personally ever reached acceptance stage. There are good days and not so good days but I don't think you ever have someone you love far from your thoughts and heart.

 

[Jill]

It must be very hard, when you have spent so many years of not being alone... I can sympathize, on a few sides of the equation.

 

[Ashley]

I agree with Marty. Only he can determine how long. Also you said your moms health was failing for years. Chances are the two of them talked about this subject before she passed.

 

[Carolyn R]

This is hard for me to fathom if it were my parents, but I don't think either would want the other to be alone. My parents are the type that seem like they would pass from a broken heart if one passed before the other. I don't think there is ever a replacement, but more so just wanting the companionship. As long as they are seeing the kind of person that brings out the best in them and makes for a healthy friendship/relationship, then so be it.

Sometimes loosing someone that you have shared so many years with humbles one self. Knowing that so many years pass in the blink of an eye, the sadness, grief and bitterness slide away and are replaced with living each day for the blessing it is. It doesn't mean the heartache isn't there, it just means that they need to focus on the positive, that may mean sharing the afternoons with a friend that has been in those same shoes. It may blossom into something more, it may not. I would only be upset if their behavior was irradic and unbecoming of who they truely are, which would be a sign of not coping with the grief and dealing with depression.

I am sure your mother would want your father to get out and socialize,I am sure memories of her are discussed, and in doing so, it is part of the healing process for your dad.

 

[Boss Mare]

I feel for you, I truly do and wish you the best.

I don't think there's an exact time limit. I believe us as humans all seek companionship for our own health and well being. If these women get your approval and do your Dad good, all the better.

My Grandmother passed after being married to her husband (basically the only "Grandfather" I ever had) of 25 years. Her husband became isolated and depressed. He sought comfort in a very much younger woman who just so happened to be a drug dealer.. Long story short she ended up murdering him after 2 years of my Grandma's death.

If your Dad is happy and seems content and in good spirits, wish him the best. Always remind him you accept the good choices and decisions he makes.

 

[Ashley]

Also studies show that a person takes an average of two months to grieve for every six months together. Chances are your dad will never stop grieving.

 

[sfmini]

My brother takes the cake. His now girlfriend moved in the day after my Sister in Law died.

For a while, she was renting a room upstairs, but I don't think she was up there very long. Really freaked me out but he is one of those guys who can't live alone. My only worry is she has a terrible heart condition and it is disabling her.

My Dad started dating after 4 or 5 months, boy was that ever strange to see him with someone not my Mom, but he was happy and that is what matters the most.

 

[Miniv]

Linda, There's no time limit to grief and everyone handles it differently. As has been said above, some people can't handle the loneliness and who knows what was said between your parents before she passed.

My mother passed after many years with my dad. They were devoted to each other. But my mother also told him that if he met someone, not to feel guilty. About a year after she passed, a lady who had known my dad when he was in college "found" him and they began spending time together. He also passed a few years later and admitted to me the day before that he had only been lonely and only wanted to be together again with my mother.

No judgment from me and he knew it. I loved and STILL love them both.....and ended up loving the other woman in his life too..... it's all about finding happiness without hurting others (who are reasonable), IMO.

 

[HGFarm]

OMG Boss Mare!!!!!

My uncle was married for 50 years- when she passed another woman hooked up with him and they married (I think he was lonely too) and she was the meanest thing- promptly drained ALL his money. They divorced after that- I am sure she moved on to someone else that had some cash. She was awful.

 

[jessj]

My husband faced a similar situation with his parents. His mother passed away after a 2yr long battle with cancer. His father was devastated. He did not do well alone...he is also a man who NEEDED the companionship. His father began to spend time with a widowed lady from our church about 2 months after we lost my MIL....and they married about 6months after her death. There was ALOT of judgement from alot of people, but we (his three children and their spouses) have been relieved. This is a lady who has been in my husband's life as a family friend since he was a child...she loved my MIL dearly and would come and spend time with her in her darkest days. She is a naturalist and also does massage therapy...she would sit in the floor for hours and massage my MIL's feet. It is a comfort to see him happy, but also that it is someone who new and loved my MIL.