I am ready for a total meltdown

[Bassett]

As very few of you know my son has just gone through a foreclosure which started with a divorce and a very poor mortgage company who at one time along the way bought all the mortgages from the bank he was with. We have now been forced to leave our home. I have been looking for a place to rent for 6 months now and finally found one but we only have a week left to vacate. We have been working night and day to move and situate ourselves. My husband is in a nursing home and thinks all his junk is worth a lot and I'm talking JUNK. I can't even give it away and I simply don't know what to do with it. My son has off work and they were okay with it at first but now I think he is in danger of losing his job. We still have a 40x40 pole shed to go through in 6 days. It just simply can't be done. This is affecting my diabetes and high blood pressure so bad I can hardly go on at times but I must. We've rented storage sheds and compound for cars which is going to be costly but the main thing is to get out as much as we can and go from there. The social service director at the nursing home called today because Duane was wondering how we are doing. I try so hard to do right by him but he is getting so ornery and argumentive that I pick him up and turn around and take him back before we go 5 miles. He is getting so mean and abusive to me and this is a man who has always been very mild and soft spoken. We never argued in 46 years. Now he is very beligerant and calls me names and it hurts me so bad. I know it is the dementia and alzheimers but It still hurts. I am just at my wits end and need to vent a little (or a lot).

On an up note I found a beautiful 16x80, 3 bedroom, 2 bath mobile home just 4.4 miles from where we were. ($400.00 a month) Rather crowded mobile home park but I've lived in one before and I can do it. We have the nicest neighbors and the landlords wife is in the same nursing home that my husband is in. In fact his wife and my mother were first cousins.

I did have to give up my horses which just makes me cry when I think of them, which happens often. Donna (qrtrae) is going to take my Goldilocks and put her in with her dwarfs. Marnie has the geldings but will have to sell them. I simply can no longer afford them anyway so it is for the best for my horses, but it still hurts.My whole life is in such a turmoil right now some days I wonder if it's even worth going on. MY LIFE SUCKS.

 

[Reijel's Mom]

Oh that all does sound really awful and you have every right to vent! Did you have to give up all the dogs as well?

I'm so very sorry and hope that things turn around for you very soon!!

 

[nootka]

I'm so sorry for all your troubles.

Wish there was some way I could help.

Please know my thoughts are with you that things will work out for the better, and soon...

Liz

 

[AppyLover2]

Awww Bonnie I'm sorry things are going badly right now. I know it's hard to believe there's a light at the end of the tunnel but things WILL get better. It might not be as soon as you'd like it to be, but things will improve. When it comes to the value Duane puts on his things, remember that he isn't thinking clearly and you must do what must be done. If it were me I would just leave the "junk" for whoever is getting the house. They'll have more time to deal with it than you do.

Those of us who have never loved an alzheimers patient can only imagine the pain you must feel when the abuse and beligerance take over. Please keep your chin up....I know it's hard....but many of us wish you well.

You don't know me but if you'd like to vent further or just need someone to talk to please feel free to PM me.

 

[Marty]

Go ahead and let it rip.......Things are bad and you are only human. I don't know why people think we can handle everything that is thrown in front of us because not every one is rock hard strong.

Try not to keep looking at the big picture. Take one thing at a time and deal with it.

You are saying a lot of negatives. Turn them into positives. Just get organized.

Make a list. Most important things first. Figure your prioritys. Fix what you can fix.

Then what you cannot fix, set that aside at the moment. So ok, what can you fix first?

How about the junk situation? Do you really want to pay for storage for junk?

......why not junk it? Why are you saving useless junk and paying for storage for it? I have my moms stuff still here with me in storage in our loft. The stuff I kept is the stuff I will use or hand down to Dan someday. But the real junk, I got rid of. I took some stuff to the church where you donate and the total junk to the dump.

As for the 40 X 40 shed you said you cannot go through. Sure you can if you are organized about it. Again, don't look at the big picture, take a section at a time. Make piles as you go through it. A pile for trash, a pile for giveaway, and a pile for keeping. Remember, don't just stand there and look at the big picture and become overwhelmed about it. One section at a time.

Speaking of time, call whoever you need to and ask for a short extention on getting out, even if it is just an extra 48 hours.

Last but not least, I know all about alzheimers all too well. I know it is very hard but you have to remember that your husband has no idea what he is saying or doing to you. It is him in body, but not in mind. It is a very hard road you are on and very hard to get used to this behaviour and it does not get better. You will have to resign yourself to this and no matter what he says or does, he does not mean it and somewhere inside he does love you and just is out of his control to show it anymore. Be patient with him as he would with you.

Big hugs (((((((( ))))))))

 

[kaykay]

Im so sorry for all your going thru. Please try to take care of yourself. I have experience with alzheimers and its heartbreaking when they get to the mean stage. Just know its not him talking its the disease. But its still not easy. Sending good thoughts your way

 

[maplegum]

My thoughts and good wishes are with you during this difficult time.

xox Leonie xox

 

[Jill]

Bonnie, I am so sorry for all you are going through.

 

[Sterling]

Dear Bonnie, Please take care of yourself....try and take it one day at a time, one step at a time. Know that here on the forum we're here for you to lend a shoulder, or an ear. I am so sorry for what you're going through and that you had to let go of your horses. You're a strong gal...I know you are, altho right now you may not feel it. I will keep you in my prayers that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel for you...you'll see.

 

[Scoopiedoo]

((((((HUGS FOR YOU)))))) Please take care of yourself, that's MOST important.

We love you

Jodi

 

[Basketmiss]

Sorry to hear things are going so rough for you... I wish I lived close to you and I would come help...

No offense here but will your husband really ever know if you get rid of his stuff/junk?? It sounds like he wont so if you can let the stuff go then do so. No need to keep it and the worries that go with it!!

Make a list, Take it 1 thing at a time, then mark that off your list. I get perverse pleasure out of crossing things off my list!! LOL

If you say Please nicely will they give you a little more time to move?? It might work..

Try to keep your head up and come on here if you need a pep talk- OK? I dont like to hear someone say their life sucks... it might at the moment, but that is just a moment , not forever...

 

[Charley]

"Hugs" to you. I am so sorry that everything seems to be happening at once to you and your family. I know there is nothing I can say to make it go away.

Please remember that when one door closes another opens and trust that you will soon be where you are supposed to be. Life is never easy. Others have given you great advice. Take care and hang in there.

 

[Just Us N Texas]

Ohh Bonnie, I am so sorry for all that has happened to you! I know that as we get older, some things just seem tiring, and impossible to tackle and overcome. But, we can, one day at a time, one task at a time. Just hang in there and soon, "this too shall pass." I am so sorry about your husband being worse. I remember my grandmother telling me that when my grandfather was ill, and not long before he passed that he had become so verbally abusive with her, and they had never argued in their lives. But, her explanation was that she knew he truly loved her, or he wouldn't be so free with his feelings. Try to think that way, and it may help you through it! Wish I could be more help!

Carolyn

 

[minie812]

Remember with your hubby it is the OLD TIMERS talking & YOU have to do what YOU need to do. He is being taken care of and does not understand the stress. Dump his stuff he will not miss it before you end up in a hospital with a heart attack. It is the caregiver that suffers the most in a situation like that & do not feel guilty life throws us a curve ball sometimes and we have to make the changes and YOU are doing the best you can....My prayers are with you...been there!

 

[bluetaterbaby]

I'm so sorry for all the pain and stress you're going through. There's a lot of great advice and things to consider from these wonderful people on the forum. I will definitely keep you all in my prayers and thank God for supplying all your needs while giving you strength to do what is needed. We all care!

God bless,

Joan

 

[SunQuest]

Oh Hugs to you!

Marty is so so right and has given you such very good advice.

Praying that you keep your health in check and that your move gets completed and that your son has no more bad things happen to him.

It is so hard on the caretakers of alzheimers patients as the heart says that they look like the same person and act somewhat like the same person at times. But your mind knows it is not the case. The heart tends to rule over a person, and this makes it so hard to control the thoughts and to think logical and say that the person that I knew is no longer there in whole. Sigh. Not an easy road, and one in which you are not alone.

I learned that with alzheimers, the people who have it tend to become exact opposits of what they were when they were healthy. Many patients who were loving and not a mean bone in their body become abusive. This is what this disease does. It totally changes the brain. It physically kills of the brain cells and no one can predict exactly how that person will change.

And the longing for the person that you love to just show you that they still remember and love you... That hurts the most as that is your heart interfering with you. But know this, they say that the loving person is in there somewhere even if you can't see it. I thought of Nancy Reagan at times when dealing with my grandmother. What kept her going with Ronald were the very rare glimpses when she recognized that he knew her. I have heard that just before he passed away (litterally) that he opened his eyes and looked at his family and recognized them and the last gift from him was that they felt his love. So never give up hope and realize that he still loves you even if he can not show you that this is the case.

May I suggest that once you get settled into your new place that you contact a support group for caretakers of alzheimer patients (if you have not done so already). The reason I say this is that there are many ideas on helping you deal with the troubles and the "loss" you feel. And they are also the ones that are there for you when you need that shoulder to cry on as they so understand where you are at in this time of your life.

And don't feel bad about not putting up with Duane and is nastyness and taking him back to the home after just going 5 miles down the road. When he acts like this he should be taken back. Remember, he is too ill to take care of you and to consider your feelings. You must take care of yourself emotionally and physically so that you can try to find those happy moments that are left when you visit Duane. Yes, this is hard on you emotionally as the man before you appears to be the same man, but that is just his body reminding your heart of that. Now you must rely on your logic and your mind to tell you how to act. You must always keep in mind that the man you love is not the whole healthy man any more. If you can keep your mind ruling your heart, it will be somewhat easier. And yes, the heart will occasionally take over and rule your actions, and that is ok. You can only do the best you can. (Been there with my grandmother and it is very hurtful to the emotions!)

As far as Duane's things go, he is remembering when he got them new. At that point they were worth something. You need to keep only what is worth something to you now and let the rest go so that you have less to worry about. If Duane should ask, then the items are "in storage" and you can't get to them at this time. Chances are he will forget about them the next time you visit.

And one other thing that may help. Keep in mind that "God knows how much I can handle... I just wish He wouldn't trust me with so much!" There are many days where this one little saying has gotten me throught to the next day. All you can do is take it one day at a time.

(((Hugs!))) and try to keep your chin up. You have been dumped on much more than any one person should be dumped on, but, "This too shall pass."

 

[Scoopiedoo]

Forgot to ask...Do you need my George?? I'll send him to you.

Jodi

 

[CyndiM]

[SIZE=24pt]((((HUGS)))) [/SIZE] Bonnie.

I'm so sorry for what you going through right now. Marty is right break it up into areas and take it in small steps. I wish We could all show up and help you. We will be with you in thoughts and prayers.

 

[Pepipony]

Bonnie, so very sorry about all of this. My dad had alzheimers as well and he too, got rather testy. One of his nurses told me to just go in there with a smile on my face and say 'thank you' to anything he said. It worked! Not to make him happy, but to get me in the state of mind that I just 'accepted' what he said as what it was, the disease and not him. Just as dealing with horses if you smile it changes your mood, so it wil with your hubby. Wish I had some magical words for you, but alas I dont. Just keep on keepin on. Hugs!

 

[MiniforFaith]

Bonnie,

I am so sorry you have to go threw this..We went threw loosing our home a few years back. We had a hard time finding a place to go to. Then when we found this house to rent, we had to be moved in 4 days. They called us on a Sunday night and my hubby was on a 4 day vacation..We had to pack a house full of stuff we gathered over 8 yrs and move it all in that 4 day time frame. And also had to clean this one at the same time. It was a very hard time, but now we are grateful to have the landlords we do. They are more of grandparents to my children than their real ones.. It seems very overwelming for you now, but you will get threw this

.. Sending prayers to you

that things start looking up for you. And I wish you were closer, as hubby and I would help.. We have experience in speed packing/moving..

Just please take care..