I need advise AGAIN

Voodoo · Dec 20, 2005

Ok everyone I really appreciated the advise I received on my other thread. As I stated before we have talked on the phone a few times, but always kept it simple. Today he called me to talk, it started out simple and then he started talking about what he had done in the last year. Quit school, got a job (working on a big ranch), started supporting himself somewhat (he still lives at home about 8 months a year), didn't rodeo much since he was saving money up. He also told me what his future plans were. To do pretty much the same thing again next year, then hopefully he would have enough money to buy his own small place and start building it up. He said that he would now like to take over the ranch that his grandfather started (before he didn't want the responsibility of the ranch), live close to his family there in Idado, ride some colts, and work the ranch. He said he wanted kids, but not until his life was really on track and going good so that he could give them a good start. Then he went on to ask me if that was a kind of lifestyle I would like to live. I didn't know what to say, I would love that lifestyle, but I just don't know if he is serious or just talking trying to get back together with me. I don't want to jump back into the problems that we had before, so do I just tell him to show me rather than tell me and then we can talk? Or do I just tell him that there is no chance and that we both need to just move on? This isn't something that I can talk about with my parents and I really respect the opinions of everyone on here so I just wanted to see what you all thought.

OhHorsePee · Dec 20, 2005

It's been my experience that when people say they have/will change they have always reverted back to their old selves. If you get back with this guy on the assumption that he will change for you it could be a huge mistake for you. You might always wander "what if" but "what if" is better than "oh crap!" Ater life experiences I would never ever go back to someone that would say "I'll change." They are who they are. It's human nature to stay who they are. You might have a few weeks, months of them trying but they will go back to who they really are.

Love finds you when you are not looking for it. And please never settle for the familiar! People are like a jar of pickles. Sometimes you have to go through a bunch before you find that perfect one.

Good luck

Fran

Triggy&Blue&Daisy Too · Dec 20, 2005

Fran is right on target. It sounds like he's trying to tempt you with an idea he knows you might go for but no one ever really changes who they are. There are rare exceptions but I consider it about as common as winning the lottery twice.

If you have seen the "real" him and it was not where you wanted to be then it won't be long until you will be right back to whatever made you part from each other in the first place. We all have to accept people for who they are, and they us, without anyone having to conform or change in order for it to be a long-term happy match. Sorry to be such a cynic, it just has been my experience.

Edited to add: You two may be right for each other but perhaps at some other point in your lives. You are both so young and still have a lot of living to do so if it's really meant to be things won't work against you both to stop it. It's when we ignore the signs that trouble starts.

Margo_C-T · Dec 20, 2005

To paraphrase Dr. Phil--"the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior"...I would say that IF you really feel you have a deep and abiding interest in this fellow, you make it clear that he'd have to actually DO all these things, not just SAY he's going to do them, and over a period of time, before you'd consider rekindling a relationship with him. It IS possible for a young person to 'change' because they become more MATURE--question is, is that the case, or would what he says turn out to be empty promises, said to influence you? Bless your heart--these are NOT easy decisions for you--and I wish you well in making them!! My 'best' advice, I think, would be not to rush ANY decision, and to keep your eyes 'wide open'. Oh-and I very much agree that one should not go into a relationship thinking that "you" can change someone--people can only change themselves-and THEY have to want to, and do the work of, changing themselves.

Best wishes!!

Margo

whiskeyranch · Dec 20, 2005

Tell him you need to see changes, not hear them. If he has truly had a change of heart, you will see it, but let him know nothing will happen quickly. You can still be involved without a total committment.

I agree with the love finding you comment......the week I had decided to give up on men for awhile and not date at all anymore,,,I met the man who I am now married to, who has loved me, taken care of me thru very good times and very tough times, and changed my life. It was there and it found me.

The only thing I had to change, was my last name.

Sun Runner Stables · Dec 20, 2005

Hey girlie,

Missed your other thread completly, (too much shopping

!)

But thought I would put in my two cents as well...

I have known my current boyfriend since I was 12, he was my first crush (from afar), and we have always remained close friends, though we grew distant as time went on.

He is older then me, and had a whole bunch of bad habits, (Smoking and drinking among others) and I wouldn't even look at him for years. (He at did/does however, have a good job, works his behind off, and has lived on his own since 17.) About two years ago, he came back into my life, and this time, wanted a relationship. Well, of course I still was attracted to him, heck I have had a crush on him since I was 12! So I thought, OKay! and bull dozed ahead.

(I love to "fix" or help people, my friends always moan about the next "project" I will have.) It's an issue.

James and I had a great home life, he was always very helpful and supportive about farm help and so on, and later on, he moved in with me. Well his drinking started to Really get bad. To the point of 11-12 beers a night. ( though he is Not a "bad" drunk, he was still drinking, something which I find completly disagreeable.) the only time we Ever fought was about his alochalism and his inability to STOP it...

I was miserable. Finally we broke up, I couldn't take it anymore.

I went on with my life, and dated a bit again, and I liked a few guys, who then promptly turned into complete jerks. James and I didn't talk at all, it was way to painful.

About 5 months of this went past, and I ran into him one day. I was busy trying to avoid him, but he cornered me and said we Had to talk.

He then proceeded to outline how he Had been changing, the AA meetings, a new lifestyle, even a new job, to try and better himself... and he wanted me back. Misses the Heck outta me...

I didn't believe a word he said, told him to, ahem, well you get the idea. He then spent about 2 weeks sending flowers, showing up on my doorstep with small gifts, writing letters and leaving them in my car doors, anything he could.

Well, I gave in.

And he has held up his side, and I mine. I know this may not be a forever thing, as we still have some major issues, (like School!) but I am so happy I gave him a second chance. He truly Did change for the better, and yet retained enough of the person I Had loved. We are 21 and 25 respectivly, just to give you age basis comparison. It's really odd though, as many of our good friends are busy getting married and such, and yet for me, I am waiting to finsh school as that is the most important thing for Me, so there is a bit of a differece from you... Just wanted to let you know that sometimes these little boys Can do what they said and change for the best.... Sorry it's so long and rambling.