I think I have the worst husband in the world

[Marsha Cassada]

[SIZE=8pt]Sounds to me as though it is somewhat of a cultural difference between you. That is usually a very difficult hurdle. I have heard that the Swiss are very businesslike and put their business before almost anything. He sees the guests walking in at the last minute as "business", and it's his business to make them welcome. Maybe you are very tired and overwhelmed right now; with the season winding down, hopefully you can get more rest. Maybe you are coming across as so efficient and with such good managerial skills, he is forgetting you are a tired woman and sees you only as his helpmate. [/SIZE]

Sometimes I have to remind my business-like husband that I am needy. I take his hand and lay it on my head and instruct him to say "poor baby". I started doing that to show him how easy and simple it was to support me; he really had no idea (now it makes us both smile). It was a solution for him, and I think men are mostly about finding solutions. Maybe you could think of some simple way to help him recognize you are close to the edge and need some tenderness. You are obviously a strong and competent woman, and not a whiner, and are not looking for roses and fanfare when you're overworked and blue. He needs support and encouragement and, while you are probably intuitive to HIS need, he might need a clue from you when you are getting desperate. If you were a financial spreadsheet, he could see what to do, but a woman's feelings are not exactly a spreadsheet.

You are trying to build a future together. It isn't easy, but someday when things are better people will look at you and say, wow you are so lucky. In your heart you'll know it wasn't luck, but choices.

I've followed some of your donkey tales on the donkey forum and, frankly, I think that brat is part of your troubles! I'd be pretty tempted to send him back to the pig farmer.

 

[RobinRTrueJoy]

You have had some good advice from the forum. Bev made a generous offer, she has a really big heart and is a lovely person.

Please start stashing money away. NEVER tell him about it, even in a fit of anger. NEVER give him access to it, even if a huge bill comes in and he is worried over it. NEVER let him know you have ANY money. MONEY is your power and freedom should you need it. Once you save some money, any decision will be easier to make.

If you get tips, , I am sure he knows it. Stash SOME away, if he questions, say people are getting cheap because of the economy. You may need a PO box for statements from the bank. Do NOT give the bank your address or phone number. Use a password on your account, NOT a pet, perhaps an old old phone number that he wouldnt know anything about. If you use a cell phone, clear the history all the time.

My sister's husband got hold of a bank letter and called the bank, he figured out what she was planning, and somehow took the money. Be careful.

You can tell him that you aren't happy and want to work on the marriage, see how he responds, and if things will change. Even if they do, there is always a honeymoon period where he will act nice and most people go back to how they were before. DO NOT tell him about your savings EVER even if things work out great. I hope for your sake you can work things out so that you both are happy.

I hope that you both can work things out. No marriage is without its difficulties. Getting marriages to work is such hard work. Just protect your options with a savings plan

Robin

 

[luv2ridesaddleseat]

Bevann, what a wonderful human being you are! My brother has a home in Delaware, but I'll have to ask him again what part. He tells me it's awesome there and I should move there! I'd love to know more about it.

Anyway, what great advice here and absolutely what Robin has said. If you want to leave, you CAN do it! Don't EVER let him know you have money, and make a plan and stick to it! I feel so bad for you. Please keep us informed of how you are doing. I really care also, I wish there was something I could do.

Joyce

 

[bfogg]

I feel so bad for you. I remember you writing the same thing last year. he said he would improve, he didn't and he won't and you know that or you should by now. Sell the animals and leave. You aren't getting any younger and the work will only tear you down and wear you out. Then he will dump you for someone who can do the work.

You deserve to have someone who will adore you and value you as a human being with wants and needs and you can meet someonewho actually just doesn't want a slave. You said last year you were going to make him give you a salary...............

Use that money and get out of there. Over there you have no rights.You are far far to intelligent to put up with this crap.

Do something this time.

make a plan,good luck

Bonnie

 

[bevann]

I agree about the money stash.many years ago when I was married I wanted to add a room onto my house.Hubby said there was no money, but he bought US a boat(I hate boats)without consulting me and several race horses(I ended up taking care of them since he wouldn't)I went back to work aometimes getting only 4 hrs of sleep a night and got my own bank account(made a mistake putting the money in bank where he was a director so he found out-but when I got enough money I added the room and I still enjoy it to this day.It was always about what he wanted.I loved him and don't know why today, but he was my first love.The only thing I did right in 18 years of marriage was have 2 sons.Boy am I glad he left.My animals have been my sanity-I even thought about suicide after he left but I had an very sick epileptic corgi and her care needs kept me from doing that.I was single for 10 years and met a wonderful man who loves animals and helps me take care of everything.WE have been together almost 25 years but NO MORE MARRIAGE.It is TOO costly if things don't work out.Get rid of the jerk and get on with your life I was 36 when my husband left and my life just began to get really great.You will meet some wonderful people in your new adventure. Get out of there ASAP HE AIN"T GONNA CHANGE because he doesn't want to. 10 years from now you will still be miserable or you can choose to get on with things. sounds like you are stuck- one small step at a time.Get working on a bank account and a plan.Where I live in Delaware is very close to the Atlantic Ocean so if you get to the US then you can always go back to CA if you want.Delaware is a great place to live.No really bad weather extremes, no predators or poisionous snakes for animals, lots of farmland, great vets and farriers, no sales tax, great hay, 2 hrs from Wash DC,Baltimore, or Philadelphia, 3 hrs from NY City for all the culture stuff, really nice people, lots of horsey activities, 3 Mini&Shetland shows 10 minutes from my house and there is more.Get away from him and move on.In the meantime, just take a day trip somewhere and let him deal with the hotel alone-Might make him appreciate what you do.Good luck and keep us posted

 

[Marty]

Oh my gosh Bevann you are an angel on earth. Krissy, for the lovagod PLEASE take Bevann up on her offer. If I was there I would grab you by the arm and drag you on a plane today.

OK I went out in the barn and cleaned stalls and gave this more thought and decided to edit my post and change it:

I was in a very abusive marriage for years with a low down mean drunk and I can't believe how dumb I was not to act in my own behalf and save myself. I thought about trying to leave and did nothing and it only got worse. What in the world was I waiting for? I lost a lot of very precious years. Had I known that I would find a good man and have two fabulous boys waiting for me in the future, I would have never wasted my life in that horrible marriage. I was 36 when I had Michael and almost 38 when I had Dan! A late start yes but who cares! Krissy, a new life is waiting for you too. Don't waste any more time and get on with it. Life is too short, believe me I know and you need to make the most of every single day and try to be happy. Everyone can make their own happiness and one can do this but you. You have been extended a hand up for heaven's sakes do not ignore this! Do what Robin says; stash the money secretly, and call Bevann right now and make arrangements today. I would not travel with the 30 year old due to his age, but maybe call your vet and have him help you place him and say nothing to anyone. There must be someone even a rescue you can trust. I can already vizualize you haveing a very Merry Christmas with Bevann. PLEASE come home!

 

[anoki]

I've been following this thread.....and I also remember the similar post last year about this.

As someone else who was in a very controlling relationship (thankfully broke it off before any engagement or marriage took place), it is easy for me to say WALK AWAY! I know it is NOT an easy thing to DO(especially when you are in another country, and with no one for support close by)....but honestly, YOUR happiness and sanity are at stake.

I look back on the time I was with my ex-bf.....and I can't believe how foolish I was to listen to his bs...and worst of all believe it....

I know for a fact I would not be as happy as I am today if I hadn't walked away....I would NOT have any of my horses, would not be riding, definitely would not have gotten the corgis and gotten into showing them and stuff, and I know I would be in a boatload of debt created by him.

The critters make my life now....and until I find someone who is as happy with them as I am, then single I will be.

My only regret is the fact that he took my trust of people with him....

It frustrates me greatly to see good people (women AND men, because it doesn't just happen to women) in these types of situations. Life IS too short to be unhappy in a relationship.

The hardest decisions I've ever had to make have always had the best outcomes when I listened to my heart to take the hard road. Yes, it's hard at first, but the outcome sure surpasses anything before it.

bevann, you are a true angel!!!

~kathryn

 

[bcody]

You have recieved a lot of good advice, and a wonderful offer for help, please think bout it, seriously. I know it is not easy to give up your animals, I had to give mine up a few years ago (for different reasons) but they are all still OK. I will have horses again when we get mved and settled in Maryland.

Think about yourself, you only have one life. I also had an abusive relationship I was fortunate enough to end before marriage, but he was a stalker for many years. Take care of YOU. I know we do not want to admit it, but there are other people who can care for our animals, and if you take care of you, you will have the chance to have others.

I hope you will be my neighbor soon, Md is so close to Delaware!

 

[AppyLover2]

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. If you do nothing, nothing will change. Your future is your decision.

 

[Reijel's Mom]

For some reason this problem has stuck in my head, and I don't know why. I can't help but wonder what husband's side of the story is? Is it a cultural issue? Or is he really just a JERK. Or is it a combination of the 2.

I'm really happy with my husband, but I know there has been at least one time in our rather short marriage so far (just 4 years) where I honestly could have walked quite happily if it wasn't for the committments of the house, animals, etc. At that time, we just seemed WAY too different and it was SO frustrating because I felt like I hadn't changed one drop from before we were married to after we were married so HOW DARE HE want me to be something different now?? I'm passionate about a number of causes, he's passionate about. . . well, college football

. Of course that lasted a couple of weeks and we got things straightened out for the most part, though I really wish he'd be a little more supportive and join me in supporting my causes once in awhile, but it sounds like your problem has been ongoing.

Was he completely different before you married him?

P.S. I thought people in Switzerland were supposed to be some of the happiest people anywhere!

 

[TheCaseFamily00]

I just wish you happiness{hugs}.

 

[krissy3]

I really feel bad for you but Bevann made you a wonderful offer !!!
Where there is a will, they is a way ! You have 2 choices, stay and be miserable or leave and look forward to a new life where you are in control.

Yes Bevann is a saint, I have spoken with her. I am a strong woman , and I have in the past walked out of unhealthy relationships.... Well , probably too soon. All relationships will have a degree of unhealthyness from time to time ( bumbs in the road) and when one hits , I believe it can be a growing expierence for both partners..However when one partner is not willing or capable of growing the bumps come more often ...this is whats happening in my relationship. I believe my husband is trying ( not to the best of his ability , but "trying"). The relationship for us is over in my heart. My love for him as a friend is the same but as a husband that is suppose to charish , respect ,and care for a wife, well... he is not capable of doing that . I am sure his father was the same. When things are down in the marriage, things turn up everywhere else here. I dont know why , but it happens to me a lot . I am not religious , but there is a priest here that I adore. When things are bad , he just appears, and its very uplifting, he was here that same night just to say hello to me. I met a neighbor yesterday who told me she has a daughter, that is a horse trainer and is purching a quarter horse from the US... that could make a nice friend for me someday. This woman introduced herself as Frau &&%*ç&/&... at the end of our conversation she changed her mind and told me I could call her Elizabeth... this is a very big compliment for Swiss people, sometimes it takes a year or 2 before they allow you to call them by their first name , especially if you are forign. I cant leave my husband right before the winter season...it wouldnt be fair or nice. My ponys are my family, I will have to wait until I have enough money to get them to the states. Who knows maybe once I establish some friends here , my life would be better. No one can imagine what people go through in forign countries , unless you have done it yourself. Its a very strange feeling to not have friends or family, or not have a phone call for 3 years because you dont have a friend , and to not know the language well enough to articulate what your trying to say. I think if I knew enough words to show that I have a personality , I could make some friends... having a "gal pal" could make all the difference in the world here . As for my husband , well..he would have to change to the point of turning himself inside out , in order for me to stay with him, but for now ,I dont have much of a choice, and other that the bumps in the road, he is not a bad person, just not what I am looking for in a husband. Too bad, I wish I had known that before I moved here, but I have learned a lot being here.Thanks for listening, and for the advise,

Krissy

 

[loveminis]

I wish you strength. Ultimately it is up to you to stay or leave.

I have to stay though that just getting your ponies back to the states is not going to make you happy.

 

[SampleMM]

I really feel bad for you but Bevann made you a wonderful offer !!!
Where there is a will, they is a way ! You have 2 choices, stay and be miserable or leave and look forward to a new life where you are in control.

Yes Bevann is a saint, I have spoken with her. I am a strong woman , and I have in the past walked out of unhealthy relationships.... Well , probably too soon. All relationships will have a degree of unhealthyness from time to time ( bumbs in the road) and when one hits , I believe it can be a growing expierence for both partners..However when one partner is not willing or capable of growing the bumps come more often ...this is whats happening in my relationship. I believe my husband is trying ( not to the best of his ability , but "trying"). The relationship for us is over in my heart. My love for him as a friend is the same but as a husband that is suppose to charish , respect ,and care for a wife, well... he is not capable of doing that . I am sure his father was the same. When things are down in the marriage, things turn up everywhere else here. I dont know why , but it happens to me a lot . I am not religious , but there is a priest here that I adore. When things are bad , he just appears, and its very uplifting, he was here that same night just to say hello to me. I met a neighbor yesterday who told me she has a daughter, that is a horse trainer and is purching a quarter horse from the US... that could make a nice friend for me someday. This woman introduced herself as Frau &&%*ç&/&... at the end of our conversation she changed her mind and told me I could call her Elizabeth... this is a very big compliment for Swiss people, sometimes it takes a year or 2 before they allow you to call them by their first name , especially if you are forign. I cant leave my husband right before the winter season...it wouldnt be fair or nice. My ponys are my family, I will have to wait until I have enough money to get them to the states. Who knows maybe once I establish some friends here , my life would be better. No one can imagine what people go through in forign countries , unless you have done it yourself. Its a very strange feeling to not have friends or family, or not have a phone call for 3 years because you dont have a friend , and to not know the language well enough to articulate what your trying to say. I think if I knew enough words to show that I have a personality , I could make some friends... having a "gal pal" could make all the difference in the world here . As for my husband , well..he would have to change to the point of turning himself inside out , in order for me to stay with him, but for now ,I dont have much of a choice, and other that the bumps in the road, he is not a bad person, just not what I am looking for in a husband. Too bad, I wish I had known that before I moved here, but I have learned a lot being here.Thanks for listening, and for the advise,

Krissy

You are exactly right, you need a good friend. I'm sure many of us married women on this forum have wanted to take a pot and hit it over our husband's head or better yet, run out the back door and never come back. We've all been in the same situation but as you pointed out with no friends, you have nobody to vent to. That's why earlier I suggested a therapist--counselor, whatever you want to call them. Right now, it would be someone to listen to your problems and offer advice. I admire your strength, Krissy. I could never live in a foreign country and be away from family and friends. I'm just not that strong and I rely on others way too much. I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[loveminis]

In our relationship my husband is my best friend

, that's the way it should be.

 

[krissy3]

Tomorrow is our anniversary ...(great) . I have spoken with my husband , and the common problem I have with him is the lack of respect he has for me. I dont know if it is the way he was brought up in his family, or if it is a coulture thing. People in Switzerland are for the most part very cold, and insecure. Anyway, I will leave in spring, and will hopefully bring the horses with me. He is very upset with my altimadum (sp) of 3 things i would like him to work on , all dealing with respecting me . His only comment was that he would like me to be cleaner and not have hay in my shoes and track it in to the house, and to back off with the pressure for him to change. I have a bank account, I am being paid, I will save. Its too bad he doesnt want to save this marriage, he is a good person, just very stubborn. He feels like he is being a good husband because he pays my health insurance , taxes, and all the bills , except the horses. In a mans way of thinking I suppose he is right.I feel a little sorry for him, the town will talk , and this will hurt him.I am the third significant other ( this time married) all of his relationships have failed for more or less the same reason... you would think he would wake up this time. Then again I am not perfect, this is my second marriage. Its just really sad for both of us. Thanks for your support.

 

[loveminis]

Now you have a plan

Good for you for sticking up for yourself and communicating with your husband.

 

[Marty]

No one can imagine what people go through in forign countries , unless you have done it yourself. Its a very strange feeling to not have friends or family, or not have a phone call for 3 years because you dont have a friend , and to not know the language well enough to articulate what your trying to say.

Exactly how I felt when I moved to Tennessee. Like an outcast. No friends, no one to talk to and the phone never rang. I became a hermit and isolated myself. I cried for my boys who were treated like outsiders in school and had no friends. We couldn't hardly understand the accent and the extreme slang even by the teachers it was so thick and the sayings and culture and day to day values was so different here. Took some time but once we were given the chance we all finally were accepted for who we were and now you couldn't drag me out of here.

The fact remains that people from different cultures think differently and have other values and you cannot altar or change significantly to suit you. I think its hard enough for any man/woman relationship to see eye to eye on everything in the first place but you learn to adapt to each other. But when you throw another culture into the mix, it makes it that much more difficult. Regardless, friendships are wonderful and I don't take them lightly. I'm a true blue friend to the end for mine. Although a friend right now would help ease your day, you should never have to rely on an outside friendship to make up for what is missing in your marriage.

As for the respect issue, you seem to be the one doing all the respecting since you are being gracious enough to remain during the winter just to help out. I am excited for you that you have found a plan and put it in place. Start counting the weeks to your new life. You're going to make it!

 

[bevann]

Glad you have a plan.Sounds like his upbringing is the main part of the problem.In many cultures women are 2nd class citizens and have little value expect for reproduction and servant status.My ex was the same way.It is not a fun way to live.Just because I don't have a certain anatomy part doesn't mean I am wotrth less.He won't ever change-glad you are getting out.Just let me know when you will get here&what airport.Hopefully if you can ship your ponies to somewhere on the east coast I can pick up all of you to come here to my farm.I have lots of empty stalls now that I have reduced my numbers due to my age and health issues.Lots of empty pastures.Come spring I will need more 4 legged mowers.I have a spare bedroom and I just love critters.You might have to do some cooking for us since I hate to do that now-used to love it, but no more.Let me know what is going on Later

 

[Miniv]

I'd just like to say WOW.....

If all this falls into place between Krissy and Bevann.........there is no question that it was meant to be.......

Krissy, You said something in one of your last posts about how if nothing else, you've learned from your experience. This makes me say one of my favorite quotes: "Everything happens for a reason.".........So, if nothing else, you are learning from all of this crap.