Is it normal to feel this way?

[AppyLover2]

Lara I don't have any better or different advice for you than you've already read. Just please remember that it's OK to take care of yourself too. Find some help.....if your family won't do it find someone else. You and your hubby (he sounds like a wonderful guy, by the way) need some time to live your lives.

 

[Marty]

Lara, I took care of my mother and my aunt for several years.

We moved them in with us in our home.

My mom was blind, had a 5 way by pass, a stroke and alzheimers and in diapers.

Her sister, my aunt, had a 5 way by pass, a broken hip, and also alzheimers and in diapers.

They were always crying or screaming and throwing things at me sometimes, slapping mem hitting me. One time my aunt actually grabbed me like to strangle me and hit me with her fist giving me a black eye. I was always bruised up from them. When mom was mobile she about set the house on fire and also wandered off into the road, was always falling down, I needed eyes in the back of my head. To me this was only a drop in the bucket compaired to a lifetime of them raising me so I didn't think about a nursing home early on in the game.

I really had four babies. I did have help when Hus got home from work and they would continue to scream in the night so nobody slept.

Yes it eventually occured to me they could have gone to a nursing home but I really wanted them with me so I toughed it out. Lifting them in and out of the shower daily so they would be nice and clean all the time was not so bad as long as they weren't fighting me.

Yes I stayed exhausted and I am not a Saint, nor am I made of steel, and there were times when I I wanted time for just me and my babies but I still couldn't go the nursing home route. We got a lot of supplies from the hospital supply store and their insurance paid for it and Home Health Nurses came often. We also got rails for their beds, wheelchairs, walkers, you name it and that made things easier. I used aprons for bibs and they wore sweat suits as they were always so cold and booties for their feet. The good part was when we would do beauty shop and I did their hair up really pretty and did make up on them, they always loved that part though. The priest came to the house every Sunday after Mass and did prayers with them. And music, they loved music videos, the Sound of Music was their favorite. They didn't really have a clue but the music calmed them.

My Aunt died first and then towards the end mom was hospitalized and the doctor insisted she go into a full care nursing facility and could not come back home. She didn't even know she was there so at that time I finally agreed and I have no regrets. None. In hindsight maybe I should have quit and given up and placed her in a nursing home sooner, I don't know.

Your mother is going to lie and make stuff up and repeat the same story day in and day out, so what? Suck it up, ignore it and carry on because this is her life now as it is. Get used to it. You aren't doing anything wrong. Don't let it drive you nuts. It is what it is and it only gets worse from here on in. Hand her a magazine, read to her, give her a piece of candy, or put in a video to distract her. Bring out the make up, play with her, sing to her. Be HER mom. She's the child now. My mom used to try to call for a cab and dial the operator all the time wanting to book a flight to Hawaii because she insisted my dad was there.

You have to keep in mind that your mom doesn't know what she is saying half the time and doesn't mean to hurt or insult. That is the disease talking, not her. Get that. She is still your mom in there somewhere and you cannot forget that and get mad at her for something she has no control over. Get mad at the disease, not her.

Lara you do what you have to do. You draw strength from any source you need to but I promise you, there will be no regrets having spent this precious time with your mom.

 

[Sonya]

I am so sorry you are going through this...I watched my Mother take care of my Dad's father his last year of his life and it was so hard. I totally understand how you are feeling by watching my Mother. You need a break and you need it bad. I know this is rough and when my Mom looks back on it, she is glad she did it even though it was so hard on her.

Hugs..hang in there. You will be rewarded in life for be so caring.

 

[bcody]

Lara, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I went through the same thing with my father. He lived in my house, I had turned the dining room into a hospital room because I had no other choice. He was not happy, and he was dying. I had 2 brothers and one sister living with in 10 miles of me at the time, and my mom. NO ONE would help. It is hard, very,very hard. And, when he finally passed away, my brothers had the nerve to accuse me of not doing enough! ARGGGGGG Family!

I am sure your mom is depressed, and this can be hard for her also. Understandably, all your anger towards your family not helping probably shows up a little, and she may feel guilty about that also. Since you are the only one there, you are the one she takes it out on. Your family is not going to be happy no matter what happens, and unfortunatly you will be blamed, so first you need to do what is right for you. You need some time everyday, even if it is to just sit outside alone for an hour. Does your mom qualify for any care? She may not like it, but she will get use to someone else for a short time everyday, and you need it or you will not be able to take care of her, or yourself.

Can you put a camera in her room so you can watch her while she sleeps but be away in another room? There are those baby monitors with cameras.

Get an i pod or digital books, listen to them while you care for your mom, then pick and choose what you hear from your mom, I am sure she loves you and appreciates what you are doing, I am also sure this is not how she planned things to be so it is hard on her also.

A digital memoir is a great idea, and if it turns out good something you will have to treasure for many years.

Care for your mom, love your mom, care for yourself. There is nothing wrong with the way you are feeling.

Feel free to contact me if you want someone to talk to, come here to converse with adults. Vent.

I have no guilt about my dad. He was not the best father (Actually he was abusive) But even though we never talked about things, I think somewhere we came to understand each other in a way we never did before. I am sure my brothers and sister still feel guilt over a lot of things, but my clear mind and soul was worth the time I put in.

 

[miniwhinny]

I don't mean to change the subject but this topic may be of great help to others soon to face this situation.

If any of you have older parents then now may be a good time to talk about their wishes should they need extra care. Sometimes visiting care homes before hand can ease the mind. A lot of older people remember the nursing homes of yesterday not the ones we have access to today. A lot of care facitilies offer free tours (with a lunch included) and letting mom or dad see them while they are still okay may help.

Sometimes it's a topic we don't think of talking about. I told my mom several years ago that she'd never have anything to worry about - I'd move her in with us (we have a full granny/student apartment as part of our house) but she said "no way". She knew what caring for someone 24/7 can do and she's adament about going to a care home and not being a burden. I told her she'd never be a burden but she said that's fine to say now...say that again when I'm changing her diapers (she's funny lol) I thought chatting about this was cool because I could care for her but if it became too much I know she'd be fine if I had to ask for help and move her somewhere.

Knowing peoples wishes ahead can really help.

Also as all of us with parents may face this...do your financial homework ahead and see what options are available from in home help to full time care facilities. It's just another stage of life - just the way we plan our kids schooling - we need to plan for our aging parents care.

Lara, I'm really happy that your thread has given you a little peace of mind. It's obvious that you are a very caring daughter.

 

[chandab]

I don't mean to change the subject but this topic may be of great help to others soon to face this situation.
If any of you have older parents then now may be a good time to talk about their wishes should they need extra care. Sometimes visiting care homes before hand can ease the mind. A lot of older people remember the nursing homes of yesterday not the ones we have access to today. A lot of care facitilies offer free tours (with a lunch included) and letting mom or dad see them while they are still okay may help.

Sometimes it's a topic we don't think of talking about. I told my mom several years ago that she'd never have anything to worry about - I'd move her in with us (we have a full granny/student apartment as part of our house) but she said "no way". She knew what caring for someone 24/7 can do and she's adament about going to a care home and not being a burden. I told her she'd never be a burden but she said that's fine to say now...say that again when I'm changing her diapers (she's funny lol) I thought chatting about this was cool because I could care for her but if it became too much I know she'd be fine if I had to ask for help and move her somewhere.

Knowing peoples wishes ahead can really help.

My mom told me several years ago that when she can no longer care for herself, she wants to move into the local nursing home, its very nice and well run (small community, everyone knows everyone). Both of my sets of grandparents lived in a nursing home the later part of their life and they were happy there and well cared for. [i know there are still bad nursing homes out there, so that just means you must do your homework first.]

 

[backwoodsnanny]

Lara

All the feelings you are feeling are perfectly natural especially if you didnt know what dementia can do. It seems to me that you are experiencing only the beginnings of dementia. Marty's post tells you where it can go. So far your mom is only nasty verbally but eventually it does go combative. BEFORE it becomes physically combative you do need to research what is available to you for alternatives.

I hope this thread has convinced you of this need, You are NOT alone thousands of people are caught in the middle between raising kids /having their own lives and caring for aging parents. That is why services have improved soooo much in the last decade. As for her not wanting to go she will not have that choice just as young children are not given a choice about what is good for them. She is now your child and YES the roles become completely reversed.

I also had my mom for several months before it became necessary for her to go to a rehab after a fall. She had no choice in that as the hospital said she needed rehab that could not be done at home. Though we thought it would only be for a short while she never came home again though I would have gladly tried.

She was at the stage of in and out somedays she was the loving rational person I had always known some days she thought I was her cat no kidding. It was devastating for me to see this independent intelligent woman deteriorate to this person I didnt know but then the next day she was herself again. I visited everyday.

When I was her daughter I stayed for a loooong visit when I was the cat I left after only a few minutes. I could not have her at home even if I wanted to because I was not a trained medical person. She needed IV medication that I couldnt give. I was the only one left that could take care of her so all decisions were mine and I can hold my head high knowing I did everything they would allow me to do.

In your situation you need help now before you resent her more than you already do. Just know that what she says she doesnt mean as she doesnt know shes saying those terrible things and yes somehow they are things that hit the heart. Been there Done that.

I feel your pain but also know that if she has lucid moments she doesnt know she said those terrible things but is wondering about your frustration with her.

Just remember if you dont take care of yourself first there will be no one to take care of her ,

 

[LaraP]

You know I have a different outlook this AM. I have gone back last nite and read all the posts again. I have totally misjudged this demita thing all together, and I have put myself in her shoes for the first time. It must be terribly scary for her to not know where she is and thinks she is visiting someone and wants to go home. Nevertheless, I do need breaks and I am going to look into that.

We use to sit out on the front porch in the mornings with our coffee but she wont go outside anymore because she will get West Nile Virus.. ( thanks to my brother) and my siblings think if they call they have fulfilled their duties to her. She is hurt but them. But if I say something she defends them.

After supper, which she thought was horrible and tried to feed it to her dog which I tell her all the time you can not feed the dog table scraps, I took a good long look at her and realized just how truly much I love her. When she went to bed, I tucked her, told her I loved her and gave her a kiss on her forehead, just like she use to do me every night, promptly went to my room and broke down. Of course we were up several times thru the nite, cause she lost her baby and couldnt find it (dog). And she has these two kids that keep her up at night. (NO KIDS LIVE HERE) a little girl and a little boy. The little boy is good she says but the little girl sleeps on her lamp, and tries to catch the house on fire with candles.

I agree, parents need to commicate to there kids what they want. My boys have already picked out my nursing home. LOL. I would never put them in this situation. NEVER.

I am sure they are some awesome nursing homes out there nowadays, but I can't do that right now It would break her heart and mine. I think I had just had enough of the accidents I clean up daily, between my Mom and THAT DOG, I am good at cleaning up, well, you all know. Brushing false teeth is hard first thing in the AM. I get bite at least once a day by her DOG, and he is bone of contention with us all. I don't believe in having a dog that bites. He even bites her sometimes. She has him covered in her blanket, as she is always cold, I have to take him away from her just to let him eat and drink water. We have to put him out to give her a bath cause he will bite the backs of my legs. I DONT LIKE HER DOG.. but he is the love of her life. I can't have my grandbaby come here unless we put the dog away I don't want him bit. Its a miniature weiner dog and he has an attitude.

But I am going to keep my mouth shut and continue to clean up after him, she defends him more so then her other children.

Its hard, but if I can get some help here, maybe we can all live more comfortably. I feel cheated, I am not a young chicken and my health isn't exactly the best. But she lives in fear all the time. That would be just horrible.

But I do have a new prospetive on this all. Thank you all so very much and for letting me vent. I needed to vent for sure

Lara

 

[Crabby-Chicken]

I am glad you realize that you are both doing your best. I would talk to her doctor about a different anti anxiety medication. Some just don't work and other will be much better. I know you are aware the the meds a lot of times seem to work a lot stronger with a smaller aging body. And over medications are something to be aware of. I know my Mom's dr gave her everything under the sun, all at once and we had to put her in the hospital to get her clean again!!!!! He said, "what do you expect,,, she is old". HE said that to my face.

Please take of yourself. Sounds like David is wonderful.

 

[HGFarm]

It IS normal to feel hurt, anger, frustration, etc...... Frustration at your family for NOT helping (and anger too) and at not being able to make your Mom feel comfortable in her own skin anymore. So don't feel badly about all these feelings.... not to mention add a bunch of heartbreak, sadness, helplessness, etc... into the pot!!

You know, I hate to say it, but with Mom, we made up things sometimes, like 'Hey, we just got a report that says WNV is gone now and not in this area any more!!' Isn't that great??! Would you like to join me and go out on the porch and enjoy the day for a few minutes?

You may have to repeat yourself a couple of times- hey, the article was in the paper and the area tested by county officials! I can almost guarantee that later she wont even remember what was said.

It seems they hang onto fearful things in their brain, and I think they do so because it resorts back to primal feelings of survival. If you remember the scary things, it will ensure that you avoid those.

We figured out ways to work around some of the problem issues without stressing Mom out about it. Most of the time, it worked- not always, but sometimes. At first we felt horrible for making things up, but it was not anything harmful, and made the very end of her life a little smoother and more enjoyable, and I am sure she forgives me for my little fibs!

You DO need a break, the emotional, and physical stress is going to make you sick or cause you health problems and you sure don't need that.

Is there anyone even with a local church or something that would be willing to come in even on a Sat. afternoon or something?

Bless you again, for what you are doing for your Mom. You only have one, and she deserves the best!

 

[Marty]

You moved to Illinois? With your whole herd? Wow!

Ok so here is a link to a support group in Illinois.

Use it

http://www.alzheimers-illinois.org/groups.html