Need advice with good friend

[Dairygirl]

O.k.. Need some more advice. I have a very good friend. The kind of friend you had in high school that you could depend on and would stand by no matter what. She has gotten herself in a spot and can't see what a bad thing she is involved in. I'm older then her, 36 and holding. She is 21 but we are very close. She is like a little sister to me that I never had. Any way here is the story.

Her boyfriend Dan has pressured Becky to get a job for a while now. Wanted her to support her 2 horses and 3 dogs on her own. So she finally got a job. She works on road work for a company. Flagging traffic. Well she started this job and I thought for sure she wouldn't last. No one did because, say what you want to but flagging traffice on a highway is work. I don't think I could handle it but that is beside the point.

She called every day for a few days and then she didn't. I figured since she never had a job before she was just tired and needed rest so I didn't bother her much. This went on for 3 weeks. No days off working from daylight till dark. So I called her one day and said "Hey you need to tell your boss you need at least one day off in 3 weeks" I'm thinking no wonder they can't keep help. She flat tells me that she has started sleeping with her boss and spends most of the day SLEEPING with him instead of working. I was floored.

She came out the next day and told me all about him. How he is married but can't leave his wife because he loves his kids so much. Oh my God! I told her that is the oldest line of crap in the book. She didn't think so. He has fed her so full of bull that she is blinded by it.

Her dog, who she loved more then life, got poisoned on Monday. I called her on Friday to ask her how he was doing and she said " I don't know" " Dan is taking care of him".

I think you get where I'm going with this. My question is what in the world will help her wake up. Bad thing is I would love to keep my opinions to myself but the guy she has been dating for 3 years is a close friend of mine also. It hurts me to know she is doing this to him and he doesn't even have a clue. He's just happy she is paying her way now. Bad thing is, is that if he finds out he is going to be upset with all who didn't tell him but I don't want to be the one to hurt him but I don't want to loose a very good friend because she is having a moment of lust.

What would you do? Keep your mouth shut or tell? I did try to talk to her but she takes his side before you can finish your sentence. Do I let her get hurt and pray Dan doesn't find out so he doesn't get hurt?

 

[horsefeather]

OK, I see that no one has answered you yet. That should tell you something! It's a touchy subject and unfortunately you will lose whichever way you go. But, if it were me, I would keep my mouth shut!

Pam

 

[Miniv]

I agree with HorseFeather...........If you do say anything, you'll have TWO people come down on you eventually.

Play dumb with the boyfriend. And if it were me, I would suggest to your friend that she should stand back and look at her life and judge for herself on whether or not she would be proud of her actions right now. Will she be okay about sharing this part of her life with her daughter some day? Leave it there. No judgement.

MA

 

[Sonya]

I had a similiar situation like this, I am about your age and my friend the same. She was married, started a new job and started acting very strange...I had a feeling...so I asked and she finally came clean that she was sleeping with her boss (about 10 yrs older than her, married and with children)...to say the least, I was disgusted beyond belief. I never liked her husband much but I don't agree with cheating, end of story. If you are unhappy, you leave the marriage or relationship, then go sleep with whomever you please (as long as they're not married either)...I told her I was so very disappointed in her and she cried, we didn't talk for a couple weeks (normally talked daily). We started talking again and she would bring up her situation and I just told her "I'm sorry, but I can't talk with you about this, I don't even want to know about it!" She did leave her husband a few weeks after telling me in hopes that this man would leave his wife...didn't happen and she lost her job! Now she is alone and has been for a couple years.

Your friend is very young to be messing around this, I suspect she is not going to be able to handle the outcome, this married man is NOT going to leave his wife and children, he is having "fun", thinks this is a game, I am assuming the boss is older than her, she is his little trophy. Aside from being dishonest with her boyfriend and about to crush him, she is about to rip apart a family, where there are kids involved...she is in way over her head ..and all you can do about it is to explain this to her and tell her how disappointed you are in her...if she is a good friend, what you say will matter. I think if I hadn't told my friend how disappointed I was with her, the lying would of gone on alot longer than it did. After telling her how you feel about the whole situation, then I'd tell her you don't want to be involved in her reckless behavior...you don't even want to hear about it anymore. Then, do yourself a favor and stay out of it, maybe even distance yourself away from her for awhile...she is going to have to drown on her own, hopefully she won't take too many people down with her, including you and some innocent kids! Good luck.

wanted to add: My story happened a few years ago and since the day my friend told me that she was a selfish lying cheat (not her words of course) things have never been the same. We are not the friends we once were, I was not there to pick her up when she fell, and I told her I wouldn't be. I never looked at her the same again. May sound harsh, but I can't tolerate a liar and a cheat, my principles are way more important to me than the friendship was I guess.

 

[Lisa-Ruff N Tuff Minis]

There is nothing worse then being stuck between two friends. It can be so hard and you do risk losing one or both of the friendships however for me.. I have to do what I would want done- what I would expect from a friend

 

[Izzyantheminis]

My advice is to stay out of it.

 

[bfogg]

I agree with Horsefeathers. I would totally stay out of it.

As soon as the job on the road is done so will they. He will move on to the next ***** flagger with no morals.

I feel sorry for you and her boyfriend.

Bonnie

 

[minih]

Have you thought about opening her mind up to what she is doing to her boyfriend? Tell her to step in his shoes, she is doing the same thing to him that her boss said he is getting at home. No time spent on him, putting up with all the responsibilities at home, while she is out having her cake and eating it too? I'm sorry I have no tolerance for cheating spouses and those they cheat with, if things are so bad at home, get out! No matter the reasons, it is better for children to live in a happy home and still able to see both parents, then to have all the lies over their head. Later on down the road a lot of resentment will come about from both parents and it is even harder on everyone, the children most.

No reason to expect respect from someone in the future, if you do not even respect yourself enough to mess around in hiding. He will not leave his family for her.

 

[iluvwalkers]

[SIZE=12pt]this is a little different but i had a friend point blank ask me what i knew about her husband as she thought he was cheating. i first told her i didn't want to get involved and she kept at it saying if it were the other way around would i want to know? of coarse i would so i told her what i knew. this was about 2 years ago, needless to say that was the beginning of the end of our friendship. they are still together, she believed him, he won't even look at me and i look like the jerk. if i could do it over, i would SHUT MY mouth. ya know the saying about the messanger?... :no: ...Nikki [/SIZE]

 

[LowriseMinis]

Put my two cents in the 'stay out' category. I doubt anything good's going to come out of this situation and the more you involve yourself, the worse it will be for you.

It's hard to watch a trainwreck happen, but it's also pointless to throw yourself in front of the train and try to stop it.

 

[heart k ranch]

I wouldn't get "involved"...

Something is bound to blow up and I don't think you want to be in the cross fire!

 

[jdomep]

[SIZE=12pt]this is a little different but i had a friend point blank ask me what i knew about her husband as she thought he was cheating. i first told her i didn't want to get involved and she kept at it saying if it were the other way around would i want to know? of coarse i would so i told her what i knew. this was about 2 years ago, needless to say that was the beginning of the end of our friendship. they are still together, she believed him, he won't even look at me and i look like the jerk. if i could do it over, i would SHUT MY mouth. ya know the saying about the messanger?... :no: ...Nikki [/SIZE]

Sorry to say my mom was on the wrong end of that same situation. A friend told her dad was cheating (as she loved my mom and hated to see him make a fool of her) but after that their friendship was never the same...Dad left (was told to leave) and came back over 10 times in a 10 year period -life was heck and I remember all of the lies etc and never forgave my dad -still loved him but never could forgive -he ended up marrying his "secretary" oh yea I don't like her either...still hurts after 25 years...

This is what she (and he) are doing to his wife and kids - heck I'll call her and give her a piece of my mind!

 

[Dairygirl]

After posting and reading what I had put down it helped me to realize it's best to stay out of it. I know how Dan would feel. My first husband cheated on me. Everyone knew but me and I was very mad at all involved but looking back I wouldn't have believed them. I knew in my heart what he did but didn't want to hear it. One day some friends, his own brother, came to me and told me. I kicked him out so fast it wasn't funny.

I'm just going to drop out of the this and tell her when she needs a friend when this is over I'll be there but not until then. I did try to come at her from Dan's point of view but all she said was that if he would pay attention to her, he would see it.

I even called her the other day and she put me on speaker phone with the boss there. I told him what I thought and needless to say I didn't stay on the phone long. Haven't heard from her since. Oh well!

 

[Jill]

Urgh. I don't know what I'd do. It's a no win situation for you (and probably everyone but Boss Hogg).

When I first read she put you on speaker phone with the boss, I thought she was trying to be cute and flaunt the situation to you. Then I had a second thought, and maybe she hoped you'd say "you won't leave your wife" and he'd say he would. If that was it, she hopefully is very aware that he didn't stand up for any real feelings towards her.

It sounds like your friend's got a lot of growing up to do :no:

 

[Sonya]

Wanted to add...I was not at all saying discard your friend. It sounds like she needs some positive influence in her life and is probably looking to you for that...but your best bet is to speak your feelings on the subject to her once and let it go...stay out of it as I said before, don't let her take you down with her. I do not think you should confront the boyfriend.

I am curious how much older this man is than her since he does have children. She is very young and really very emotionally immature...sure she is an adult at 21 and definately knows right from wrong...I can remember being 21 and thinking I just knew everything...boy was I wrong! I almost feel this man is taking advantage of her immaturity if he is much older...I hope she (and he) does the right thing.

 

[Warpony]

I'm going to buck the trend here, I would tell her if she didn't come clean with her significant other I would tell him myself. If she is sleeping with him and her boss she is putting her boyfriends life at risk and he doesn't know it. He has a right to know, so he can make an informed choice whether to stick around or not and can at least knwo that he needs to protect himself.

Listen, I had to have a hysterectomy at 25 years old because my ex was sleeping around, everyone knew but me and no one had the guts to tell me. He brought me home a disease that left me unable to ever have more children, gave me horrible health issues for several years, and ended with me having a hysterectomy and going through menopause at 25 years old. In this day and age there are STD's that can KILL you. I was LUCKY I got something curable. I know people DYING OF AIDS now because they thought their boyfriend/husband was faithful and he wasn't. Even if the person wouldn't believe me, even if it ruined the friendship NO WAY could I stand by and not say something.

All my friends know my stand on this, they know if I find out they are screwing around on their SO they will catch all kinds of heck from me and it WILL come out, so they either better not do it or they better hide it from me even better than they hide it from their spouse.

Cheating is a dirty rotten thing, It is selfish in so many ways. It hurts SO many people. If I had a good friend who I found out was cheating on their spouse I don;t think I could keep that close of a friendship. If they would be that dishonest with the person they made a commitment to be faithful to (or are capable of being with a married man, knowing he made a commitment to his wife and they have KIDS??? UGH!) how could I ever trust they would be honest with me?

That may be a very unpopular stand, but I just couldn't do any differently.

 

[StellaLenoir]

I agree with Warpony, there is too much disease out there. I had a similar situation with my sister and her husband. he came on to me, and I told her, she blamed me and didnt talk to me for a year. Of course he still screwed around and they split up. It took time, but she came around and relized I would not lie or make up what he did. I think loosing the year with my sister was a way better outcome than her staying in the dark and getting aids or have him still cheating.

Tell and just let them deal with the TRUTH as they see fit. At least the boyfriend will have a choice too, right now the only one with choices is the girl. good luck

 

[Cara]

what i would do is, let your friend find out the hard way , if she is doing this herself she will find out what happends. i feel bad for the boyfriend tho,see theres always that point of tell him so he isnt wasting his time,[dont mean to sound so rude but] keep you mouth shut, im not old enough , but i had a friend to that, and in the end she figured out what happends when u lie and sleep around. just let her find out herself. good luck! if she is the friend she sounds like she should come around soon! hope eveything turns out for the best!

:

 

[tigeresss]

I totally agree with Warpony.

ALL of my friends know that should they know someone's cheating on me they're to tell me right away. I would do the same for them.

Seeing as this guy is your friend I would tell him, if she isn't going to. I think it's selfish and prehistoric to "mind your own business" and not let him know what's going on when he too is your friend. It's not just about emotions here, there are serious matters (I.E. STIs/STDs) to think about.

I've never had a situation (nor had any friends that have had this situation) where they told someone about the cheating and were themselves blamed. A very strange and weird situation that I can understand/see happening. Although that is a situation that I would gladly risk for the benefit of my friends.

 

[Dairygirl]

She called me today to tell me her and Dan have been fighting and she is ready to leave. I told her that it was the best for all involved if she would. More so for Dan. She was off of work and told me Dan was coming home early to ruin her day. I said how is he going to do that. She said she had plans with the boss. I just told her that I couldn't see how she can do this. If she didn't love Dan enough to not cheat then she needed to cut ties before it gets worse. I'm hoping she will listen to me. She seems to have really dropped out of love with him and right in love with the boss. Oh it makes me sick.

This guy is 43 years old. I'm sure not the first time he has done this and I'm sure it won't be the last. She will have to learn the hard way. I have given all the advice I can since I have been in her shoes, only I was 23 and had a older man fill me full of bull. Just got out of a bad, bad relationship where I was beat up. This guy came in and said all the right stuff and I got sucked in. I finally realized he wasn't going to leave his wife and realized he would do the same to me in the end. Got rid of him!

Guess it is all part of life. Having to learn the hard way!