Need creative ideas to help the elderly

[Marty]

A few of my friends have been visiting some elderly folks in our community for the past few years who have no one. A couple of them have children that live in another county or out of state but do nothing to help care for them. It started out by bringing over food at Thanksgiving and Christmas and a couple of inexpensive gifts and minor decorations and then it took on a life of its own. About two days a week we visit for a couple of hours and help a little bit. One gal will bring dinner, someone else will mow and take the trash out and I usually do the housework and laundry. There is no set schedule for us; we just go when we can do it. But the days of having a nice chat and playing cards is long gone. This used to be fun and now its way out of hand.

Here are the problems we have now:

#1. Some of our ladies have no business being alone any longer. They need live in attention right now or they should be in a nursing home, however they have insufficient funds so a nursing facility is out of the question. We have to help bathe them and tend to their personal hygiene. We used to go grocery shopping with a list they would provide but they don't bother to eat much unless someone is there to fix it. We threw out a lot of rotten food today that had mold all over it and now one of us is having to haul their garbage to the dump every week too or it will stay in the yard forever. They do have some money and are not broke, but it is not enough for a nursing home or assisted living arrangement. They can pay their utilities and buy food and clothing.

#2. This week we have added another lady to our "list" to visit. Two of our friends went back to work, and another said she can't do this anymore, so there are only three of us now and the work is piling up. I'm to the point I'm worried about every time I show up what I'm going to find next.

We have spoken to Social Services repeatedly and they are aware of the situation and have no answers. All I can think of is to try to get someone that needs a place to live be a room mate in exchange for helping out but no one wants a stranger living with them and that could put them in harm's way. There are Churches up here every two feet and most of them said they would also help look out for them but no one ever showed up.

My friends and I are at our wits end trying to get these people some help. Its a very sorry situation that their only crime is that they grew old and can no longer help themselves. I don't know who else to call. I would love to start a foster care program for the elderly but I don't have a clue how to get that to work. I would very much appreciate any ideas you all might be able to come up with.

 

[Bess Kelly]

Is there a senior home in your area, nursing home, etc? Go there and ask their social service aid about how the people you are helping can be evaluated and admitted. They could also assist in providing contact for any programs that are available to assist -- i.e Meals on Wheels, senior assistance, etc.

Usually their GP doctor will be needed to begin this eval process, to do own eval and recommend help, etc. Sometimes they can receive in-home nursing visits, in-home personal care for bathe, etc. In VA they can be admitted to certain such facilities after these evals have determined that they need this nursing care and have no other alternatives. Naturally this is supported, in part, by the State and any/all their income (Soc Sec, SSI, other retirement funds) is also diverted to this cost and support. If they own a home, etc., that can/would also be sold to offset the expenses. At some point the "heirs" would become involved -- those dastardly kids who can't be bothered! -- to complete the admissions, not to be financially held responsible.

This is so sad and so very prevalent in society today. But needs to be addressed. If children are not around, they may not truly know the extent of disability to which their parent has become victim. Often a phone call sounds fairly normal.

I am an only child -- my mother is currently living with me (since April) and it is LIFE ALTERING. Altzhimers, bad heart/lungs, etc. I have seen her regularly and tried to get her to move but she would not. She insisted all was wonderful and seemed to be able to function alone. Then, rather suddenly, everything changed. She seemed "normal" and functional during visits but, when I saw things that triggered me to question her abilities and began extensive visits (100 mile rnd trip) I found she could no longer determine which/when meds were taken, she no longer wanted/could determine last time she ate, what was eaten, could even heat food, clean house, etc. Even then, I had to insist she move. Only an emergency trip to hospital made it happen. I just took her to my house and said "THAT'S IT" . She's had all the aggression, loss of memory, etc. that Altzhimers brings on.....her doctor has been on board all along and I have NOT changed to one closer to me but, drive to the one who has been her GP for many years to give her the stability and reassurance of a familiar doctor. Recently the Exelon patch was provided and this has been a real help (wasn't sure who was going to be committed -- me or her

).

Sorry to share that but, there are times when they fight you. I feel that their doctor is THE place to start and their children need to be involved.

What you and your friends are doing is wonderful and caring but, you are at a place that needs sharing with those who can now do more. I hope support is near. I hope what I've offered will find you some assistance.

 

[Marty]

Bess thank you for your response. I should have said that none of us gals have ever mentioned a change or going anywhere to our little ladies and we have no idea that would even be appreciated. We are over stepping even thinking about this but we thought if we had a plan in place we could let them know about it and see if it is something they would even go for. We also thought of trying to contact their children but don't know how that would go over either. This is all just speculation right now on our part. I love your idea about meals on wheels and I will look into that right away. They do have that in the county (I think). One of us can go to the nursing home directly and speak with someone there. Social Services doesn't seem to be able to help so maybe the nursing home can enlighten us. Again, I am pretty sure we are overstepping out little vistation sessions and assuming help is even wanted and would be accepted, but we do need a back up plan since this is way out of our league. Great ideas we can work with Bess. Thanks again.

 

[susanne]

Marty, You and your friends are incredible. Even if you are "overstepping," it's called for in this case.

Bess, your mother raised a wonderful, caring daughter! Since you are an only child, be certain that you get time for yourself now and then. Before my mother died this past March, we went through a similar situation -- convincing a fiercely independent woman to accept help. Fortunately, she lived with my sister, but Carla travels a great deal for her job. My mother had become unable to stay alone for even overnight, so I stayed with my mom when Carla travelled.

I noticed that my brothers had extreme difficulty accepting her difficulties and chose to believe that we were exaggerating, that they really didn't need to get involved.

It's very likely that the children of these women are not knowingly neglecting them, but are not aware that their mothers need their help. Perhaps they've been lulled into thinking things are as they have alwys been, believe what their mothers have told them, or are simply in denial. I would definitely get in touch with their children and let them know that their mothers truly need help. Unless they are monsters, they will appreciate the heads up.

As Bess mentioned, many counties and/or states have programs for the elderly who own their own homes. They provide the care that is needed, then later the property is sold or the heirs can pay for the services. If there are no heirs, they might also consider a reverse mortgage, although I'm not aware of how these work if the homeowner is no longer "of sound mind" or if the economy still makes this a viable option.

During her final days, my mother received home hospice care. We learned then that, at least in Oregon, dementia and Alzheimers are considered terminal conditions and that we could have had hospice support much earlier. Check to see if this is an option for your ladies.

Are any of them eligible for Veterans healthcare? This, too, can be extremely helpful.

Have you checked with your local churches?

 

[Marty]

Hey Susanne, no one is incredible here and we are definitely not saints. My friends just LOVE to cook and make too much food all the time so they share. I'm just the cleaner-upper and designated wreath giver-outer LOL. Gads, I can't stand a house without a wreath at Christmas LOL. We just are getting a bit concerned with winter coming up. Just chatting with one of the gals and we are going to have to get a lot more personal financial information on our ladies to proceed with anything. I guess we are jumping the gun because we only have a little info on that subject, only what comes up in conversation. We're going to have to get all sorts of financial info together and don't know if they would be willing to disclose this to any of us but I guess we'll find out. I know for sure, one lady is indigent and living in a poverty situation which is obvious. The others are not like that, just all alone and do own their homes and should not be left alone. As far as any children showing up, its not likely because I don't know how they could leave their mothers like this. Going to try to get more info this week for options and ideas and hope we don't rock the boat.

 

[wade3504]

Have you talked to the congregations of the churches or just the church offices? Maybe an announcement can be made that you need volunteers to help these ladies. Possibly put notices on bulletin boards at the churches looking for help?? Youth groups?? Possibly volunteer credits for high school kids???

I would also talk to the individual people you are helping to see exactly what they would like and need once you have an idea of what you can do. They might be wanting more help than they are saying and are just afraid to ask or impose on people. They might not consider you overstepping your bounds in the least and are grateful that someone is there for them without them having to ask. They might be too proud.

I mentioned the congregations of the churches because who knows how far it got with the office if that's who you went to. I know one of the churches in the past had a group where if someone was sick or needed something they all took turns doing what needed done, meals, rides, etc, that way it wasn't always on one person. They had someone who was in charge and organized the people and volunteers who stepped up to do it. Like if someone was sick and the family needed a meal on a tuesday night then the ones who were in charge would contact the volunteers and find out who was available to do it. Being more oganized made it so that everybody didn't assume that somebody else had it covered.

That's all I can think of for now. I read this earlier and have thought about it most of the day off and one trying to figure out what could be done.

 

[Riverrose28]

This is a sad situation, I would recommend talking to the eldery people in question and finding out what their wishes are. Some are in denial, but some will tell you straight up. If they have children, they should be notified as they may not know since some elderly don't want to be a burden to their children. I took care of my Mother and my Mother in law, two different situations, but with the same outcome. If all else fails speak to someone at a nursing home, they may have some anwsers concerning elegability and finances.

 

[weebiscuit]

Marty, this all sounds like it should be in the lap of Social Services, and if your local SS isn't helping, you need to start screaming at them. go in there and demand to speak to the director, and if SS doesn't step up to the plate and do something, then you tell the director that you are going to contact the state person in charge of Social Services, and also call your congressman.

YOU can't be the person trying to do this. Admirable, but it's not "your call." If something should happen to one of these ladies, maybe one of the heirs will come back and blame YOU!

It's absolutely ridiculous when I think that illegal Mexican immigrants are getting thousands of dollars in tax refunds because they have children, yet we cannot take care of OUR OWN!

Marty, for the sake of these ladies and all other ladies or men who might be in the same boat in a year or so down the road, MAKE NOISE about this! If you don't get anywhere locally or with the state, call one of the news stations in your area and tell them you have a "human interest" story for them. Lay it on the line. Once something like this is made public, it seems that local and state officials suddenly find the means to do something!

 

[Marty]

Weebisuit you are correct; its not our call as I just found out that hard way. The plan has backfired already. Unfortunately as of tonite we are already in deep do-do about this. One of my friends that does the cooking, Amanda, has notified me that after speaking with two of our ladies today about gathering their information and getting them assistance, they are very upset with her. Just what I was afraid would happen. Sounds like she really ruffled some feathers. I also learned that there are laws here that would prevent us for acting on their behalf since we are not related or legal guardians. They have to want help and they surely don't. They never did ask anyone for help of any kind in the first place. We just started doing things on our own accord and it spiraled. Oh brother. One of the other gals is going to attempt some damage control in a couple of days and I'm going to lay low for a while and let the dust settle. This case is closed for now. Let you know what happens in the future.

 

[weebiscuit]

I'm sorry to hear that a good deed is being "punished" but when you start asking an elderly person about their financial info, that is a big "no-no!"

I hope these ladies get the help they need, but I also hope that you can back out of it without hurting yourselves.

It just really stinks when you have nothing but good intentions at heart and it goes awry!

 

[ErikaS.]

Marty, I haven't read through all of the replies, but as soon as I read your post I knew exactly what you were talking about. I live on an acreage owned by an elderly widow with MS. Some years ago we bought 4 acres and the guest house from her: where we live. We mowed her lawn (2 acres), took out her trash, brought over extra food at dinner. Eventually we realized she needed more help (she was in her 80's, living alone and wheelchair bound!) and her son would rather put her in a nursing home than have to help her out. I quit my job as a bakery/deli manager and started working for her, taking care of her. It's been more or less convenient because I can be a stay at home mom, but I don't get much time off, no paid vacation days, health benefits (my husband works and gets those), no raises and no guarantee her son won't find something to blame on me when she passes(she's 92).

One time, when I took her check to WalMart to buy her groceries, one manager told me what I was doing -buying her groceries with her signed check- was fraud. Yeah, like I'm buying Depends to sell on the black market. I don't tell WalMart managers what I'm doing now. I'm not trying to steal or defraud or take advantage of anyone; I'm just trying to be a good person and help a lonely lady out. I'm afraid that someday I will be punished for that.

Boy, do I feel for you! And I have no real advice- just to avoid getting involved in any personal or financial matters-let their kin handle that (or not handle it). There is only so much you can do; after that you say sorry, but that's all I can do and back out. I'll eventaully have to do that if or when my neighbor lady needs more care than I can provide. I am not a medical professional.

Rock

Hard place...<= us

 

[Marty]

So here's the deal: If you are middle income, you have too much money for anything.

If you are below middle income, you still have too much.

If you are flat out poor, you don't have enough money for anything at all.

Why? Ask Joe Goverment.

I'm still trying to figure it out.

I did a little research in different counties because I live on the border of three counties and all told me the same thing: That there were a lot of different programs to help the elderly in the past but the government got rid of most of them and changed a lot of regulations around. If you own a vehicle, have money in the bank or own a home you cannot usually get much assistance at all because you have assets. Even if its an old car that doesn't run and your house is falling down and you have no heat and you only have $50. in the bank it still is "something." But if you have nothing, you still can't get much because you have to pay for assistance. Isn't that an oxy-moron? No home visits or check ups from anyone are on anyone's list so if you don't have friends or family to help you, you are on your own. I think if anyone else has any elderly in their community it would be a good idea for you all to check up on them once in a while just to be sure they are ok.

Meals and wheels is out, but monthly free cheese and biscuits is in and some boxed food and that can get delivered. Dang This is scary. I hope when Hus and I get really old my son won't forget to check up on us!

Meanwhile, Lisa and Amanda are still on crock-pot duty and they can count me in for a couple loads of laundry and here and there. I was growing pumpkins to share but my pumpkin patch bit the dust but they can count on me for Christmas wreaths too. Go figure. I wasn't there for the conversation but the lady that has children said she is going to keep in closer touch with them now. I don't know about the others but I have an idea in the making. Don't ask.

 

[sfmini]

Marty, thank you all for caring about these ladies, if they get mad at you, so be it, sounds like it has to happen, you know?

Do you have anything like Adult Protective Services? This would something they would be responsible for dealing with.

Or an Agency on Aging, they are advocates for the elderly and know all the services available.

People are eligible for assistance when they own assets, at least for Medicaid, homes and an old car and irrevocable burial contracts are disreguarded for the life of the recipient. Upon their death, there will be an estate recovery from the house to compensate as much as possible for the funds spent caring for the person with some exceptions having to do with surviving spouses or disabled children.

Reverse morgages are a good option as that would give them money to pay for in home care and that way they use up that asset for themselves in a better way than a Medicaid paid for Nursing facility.

Good luck, keep us up to date.