Ok I have been hashing over asking the LB parents what would you do?

[Ashley]

I didnt say everybody goes back once given the right tools. Its just like any other addiction, some slip some dont. Many know they need help, but fear help and locking them up isnt the way to fix SI. I also think it depends why they person does it. Those that do it for attention are alot easier to get to stop, then those that do it for another reason, that hideing and are not proud of it. Those that do it for attention tend to show it off.

I have plenty experiance, know plenty of people, have done plenty of research and most of all my school work that I have done on it, has been done hand in hand with a therapist and their knowledge/experience on it.

 

[AppyLover2]

To get back to the original post.....you are definitely not alone. Tough Love is just that. It's without a doubt one of the hardest things we as parents have to do. But, as so many have already said, some times it's the only thing left. I've been there, done that too. I wish I hadn't had to do it but I can't say I regret it because it was the only thing to do that hadn't already been tried. It took time but it worked. It was hard but she's now a responsible adult. If things had continued the way they were there's no doubt in my mind that I wouldn't be able to say those things.

Big {{{{hugs}}}} to you mom. Hang in there. Doing the best thing is all too often the hardest thing to do.

 

[Marty]

Its easy for people to say use tough love when its not their child. Tough love can backfire on you, hurt and do damage and make your child feel unloved and unwanted. Hus tried that tough love stuff once on Michael when he was screwing up against my wishes. He was much too sensitive and it was not the way to handle him at all. Sometimes you cannot play hardball without it coming back to hit you upside your own head.

Only you know your child and what she will respond to the best. If its tough love, so be it. Or it could be a matter of taking her to lunch to have a tearful heart to heart, or writing her a letter. Use your judgement as a mom and do what you feel is the right thing in the best interest of your whole family.

.

 

[wwminis]

From a father's point of view:

I've been in your shoes with one of my sons! He would stand in front of my and lie straight to my face, and me knowing he was lying! He would tell me he was going one place and go in a totally different direction! I would ask him to help around the house, like mow the yard, and he would tear up the mower on purpose just to get out of work! I gave him a job, he quit!! He would hide and smoke and then lie about it, all though I could smell it on him! Just one thing after another, after another!

But the straw that broke the camels back was when he tried to come between me and Wanalynn! That was it for me, I put him out on his own! That was 20 years ago and he's a better man for it today! You can give them all the love and support they need, but it's up to them to take that help and use it to their best interest! Some children have to learn the hard way! Tough love, yes, but in the long run they learn to be productive citizens and do just fine!

Bill

 

[Miniv]

Not that you need more advice (we've only had a dozen teenage foster daughters.).... But my opinion is - Camelotcavs has given some very good advice overall. I also agree with Bonnie Fogg. Make sure you and your husband are working as a TEAM with all of this.

We have our OWN teenager right now....and a handful. She is already trying to work her parents off of each other. I have told her many times that I love her, but that there are times I do NOT LIKE her behavior. And yes, I occasionally get the "I hate you!" I've learned to reply with, "Good. That means I'm doing my job."

 

[wildoak]

Been down that road too....it's not easy, and I strongly agree with Marty, there's not one approach that works for every child. The fact that your daughter knows she needs help gives you a good starting point. Inpatient treatment doesn't work everytime for every person, but it's a beginning and if nothing else it provides a period of structure and kind of a time out to think things through and start learning to modify behavior. It may work the first time or it may not, there isn't a quick fix to the issues our kids go through. If there is substance abuse as well, AlAnon might help give you someone else to lean on, and I'm sure there are similar support groups for the issue your daughter has. I couldn't do the meetings long term, but when we were in crisis it was a great help. Wishing the best for your family in coping with this, you are as you can see, not alone in in.

Jan

 

[hunterridgefarm]

MM I think you are doing the right thing here.. If she wants the help get it for her..

My mother in law went just got done going thur this her son showed up on her door steps on mothers day of all days. She felt like she could not leave her house. she did not know what to do. thank the lord we live beside her.she has been on her own for 4 years she did not want to have to do but she called us and talk to us we told her it would be hard but if she felt like she need to kick him out then go for it. she asked my husband to come over and be with her as she done it. it was not a pretty site to see. this boy has been married his wife had kick him out and moved him back to my mil house and just drop him off. he was not doing anything to help out. would not buy any food MIL had just had it. My husband kick him out and made sure he would not come back. like she said she had to do what she had to do..

thinking of you

Ashley I hope and pray your daughter was born with a golden spoon. and never gives you any problems because you would not be able to handle it..

 

[Ashley]

As I said in my message to you, you dont have a clue about me, I can handle more than you think. My children are not perfect. My daughter is no angel nor is her 12 year old brother. I am more than able and handle it.

I didnt say the original poster was wrong in what she is doing. I would have done the same thing. I am a tough love kind of person. And I didnt say that the girl asking for help shouldnt get it. I simply said you cant force somebody to do something and think they wont fight back unless they want it. A person cant be "fixed" unless they are ready to be.

 

[minih]

Ashley I hope and pray your daughter was born with a golden spoon. and never gives you any problems because you would not be able to handle it..

I do think that remark was uncalled for. It was advice given that was asked for. She comes from different experiances with this than you. We all have our own ideas about how to handle it.

She is correct in some of her thinking, from what I have found out. I was not dealing with a cutter, like I mentioned ours was concerning drugs and we did the whole hospital thing and it did not work. Ashley wrote:

Yes a SIer needs therapy. But you cant force them into it. It has to be something they want and on their terms. When everything else in life is better, the SI will fade away on its own. SI is a way to deal. If they learn the proper way to deal, one that works best for them they will no longer need the SI.
Its just like foceing an addict to quit, the more you try the more they fight back. It has to be on their terms. The more you push the issue the worse they will get, the more they hide it, and sometimes a person may think its done and over but reality is they just got that good at hiding it and covering

We then went to counseling, insurance did not pay for it, 10 sessions, and do you know what we found out at the end? Exactly what Ashley just said, yes he has a problem, but NOTHING you can do will help until he realizes he has a problem and WANTS to change.

 

[SampleMM]

I don't really have any great words of wisdom but wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. As mothers, we try and do the very best by our kids and then hope and pray that everything works out. Unfortunately, some kids just go down a road that we would never choose for them and sometimes have to hit rock bottom before they change their ways. I pray for peace for you and your husband, while you are going through this.