Our kids, how fair life may or may not be,

[Frankie]

Have you ever been handed your child before a surgery and asked, do you want to say good-bye as he may not make it?

Have you watched that child go through 11 surgeries over his short life time. Have to tell him no a lot because of this health condition?

I have. Now that child is 16.

He has never taken advantage of a thing. Appreciates life more than those much older than he. He works hard at all he does and excels because of it. Doesn't ask for much.

He now wants a car. I had planned to get him one, safety is a huge concern for me. The car he has picked out is nice, low milage and has all the safety features that mom requires. But,, it is well over what I wanted to spend. It will make things tight for us. He has a job, but once school starts his hours will be cut in half. He is helping to pay for the car.

This car had just came in, no it is not new, the guy took us to the back, we walked through the door, and my son said,,,,OH MY G O S H!!

After he looked inside and shut the door, he wiped the handle.

I still remember the weeks of pain when he was told he couldn't play basketball,,,the not wanting to go to school because he couldn't go to Washington DC with the rest of the class.

I know it's not all the same, it's years later, his health is much more stable.

But when I heard him say oh my gosh,,,I had a flashback to the day after that surgery and the doctor saying, we think he will have a very good recovery.

I have never hesitated to say no, why now?

I guess I need to decide, what is to much.

I can't seperate it all.

What would you do?

 

[Marty]

Have you ever been handed your child before a surgery and asked, do you want to say good-bye as he may not make it?

I cannot believe any doctor would say that to you in that way. That's horrible.

First, my boys were not allowed to have a license at 16. I felt they were both way to imature to handle that responsibility and they were. They were both 18 before they got their license. All the other kids had their license and cars and trucks but not mine.

We couldn't afford to buy them nice fancy cars but yes we helped them get their first cars that were dirt cheap but they both needed work. Neither car would run right without parts and that suited them just fine. The deal was that they could have the cars but they had to have jobs and work to be able to buy the parts and they had to supply the labor. They both agreed, worked their tails off, bought all their parts and got the cars running and eventually their license to drive them.

Every mother wants to give their children the world. I certainly did, but it was not possible. Sure I would have loved to deck my kids out in fancy cars and the best desiger clothes and buy them everything they could ever want but that wasn't feasible. We always lived modestly, no fancy house, no new appliances except 1 in 20 years, and I drove my old truck that limped along with a bad transmission for years. Simply put, we never lived above our means and knew our financial limits. We have always tried not to get ourselves into debt over anything.

My boys know that material possessions has nothing to do with how much I will always love and adore them. I'm sure your's does too.

 

[muffntuf]

Its hard when you have a child that has been ill all their life. And it sounds like making it to 16 is much like my niece making it to 15. She is the longest living child in the US with her condition.

I habve talked many hours with my sister about my niece and all the 'Normal' things she has missed in her life. And now that she has made it this far, the hope is she becomes an adult. But no one knows that future because it has not been walked yet.

So what do you do? (In this case, what does my sister do as the mother?) You take one step at a time. And obviously you know that. But a car is the same thing, one step at a time.

Trust is something earned - has he earned it? (I think so).

So what else could hold you back - insecurity? Not his, but yours? You have shared his journey up to this point, a car means independence from that journey.

Maybe its something else. All I know is "You will know when you get things settled in your mind and heart as to why you hesitate"

I know I am only an aunt, but I have had many a night and day holding one little girl in my arms after almost loosing her too many times.

Take care my friend - I will be thinking and praying for you.

 

[AppyLover2]

From a few of your posts about him, it sounds like your son is very mature for his age. My recommendation would be for the two of you to sit down and discuss both the pros and cons of this particular car. Be honest with him about your financial concerns. You would want him to be honest with you if he had concerns about something and he should be able to expect the same from you. Good luck with whatever decision you two come to.....together.

 

[minie812]

I remember my Timothy wanting a car and I taught him to drive and I think I taught him well. He had to wait till he was 17 though and I took him to look at this BIG ole' Buick an older couple owned. We took out a small loan (2,000) was the max and he had to pay for the payments each month-upkeep-insurance-etc. His friends made fun of him in his BUS but he loved that car. Thank goodness it was a BOAT as an old man drove across two lanes of traffic in front of Timmy (he will always be Timmy till the day I die)in a 1 ton flatbed truck and then hit his brakes and of course it was too late and my son's car went up under the flatbed and the car was drug 50 yds before the ole' boy stopped (mmm...what's that screeching noise) Thank God he and his friend had seatbelts on and the front of the car was partially up in the front seat but they were not hurt. This ole' boy HAD no insurance-suspended License-bald tires-no registration and they let him go with NO tickets. Car is totaled we only had Liability Insurance but ya know my son continued to pay us till it was paid off so I taught him well I think. I think it is an individual decision. Only you know how responsible he is and sometimes you have to "Let them go"...Good Luck

 

[mydaddysjag]

I didn't get my license until i was 19 years old, and two years later I still rarely rarely drive. I am one who absolutely hates driving. I worry about the other idiots on the road, and quite frankly, it scares me. That said, my parents didn't buy me a car. I paid $800 for a 92 Chevy Beretta with around 85,000 miles on it at the time. Now, my car is just about the ugliest thing ever. It is bright seafoam green, with a white bumper from when it was wrecked before I owned it. It tends to break down every few months, generally its just normal wear and tear, but I pay to fix it. My stepfather usually does the work for me though, and doesn't charge me anything. As ugly as my car is, my friends and I have funny little names for it, an d Im just thankful to have the "Old mean green machine" If I can find a picture, I'll post one later.

Maybe let him drive, but dont run out and get a car thats going to stretch your budget too thin. In high school I had a friend whos parents always got her nice cars, and she totaled 3 her senior year.

 

[Frankie]

Wow, you all have said some wonderful things to consider. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts.

Usually I do better after sleep, can't say that happened, but I know in some way it will come to me.

Because he wasn't out playing sports, he was living on the computer. Next year as a junior he will be attending another school half day, for computers. He worked so hard to get there, he has to drive, that is the main reason for the car. And yes, he is very responsible or it would never be considered.

While car shopping I haven't looked at the car in any way but safe. He knew going shopping what type of car I was going to say no to, and he walked right by them.

Marty, the way they said it wasn't horrible. It's a childrens hospital that deals with major illness's, transplants, etc. It was the right thing. It was a honest conversation about how much trouble he was in that ended that way.

I think I have always done the right thing, or close. I for sure need to get past a few things, because if I don't we'll still be looking for that car when he's 35.

Thank you all again so very very much.

 

[Frankie]

Just wanted to add something he said. Maybe if I said it, I will see it. Kind of like thinking out loud.

We have been looking for awhile. We talked about this car last night. After thinking about it, I only give all the cons, no pros to the subject.

He asked me, do you have any excuses left for the next car?

 

[~Lisa~]

My honest answer to you is .... in that situation with a child who has struggled so much in life already.. I would buy the car if I was able. If it meant things were tight and money was short and I had to give up things for myself so be it ( Ok I already have to do all that LOL)

I could give you all the Dr Phil parenting answers but reality is if all it takes is a bit of money and a bit of sacrafices to make something in life finally come easy for him I would be all over it.

Call me a softy or whatever but that is a 100 percent honest answer

 

[Marty]

But,, it is well over what I wanted to spend. It will make things tight for us. He has a job, but once school starts his hours will be cut in half. He is helping to pay for the car.

Ok lets get down to it.

You have a great kid there who needs good safe transportation. That's a given.

Problem is the car he wants costs too much and will put a financial burden on you.

That's not cool. If you know you are setting yourself up for a financial problem in advance, pay attention; not acceptable.

The solution is easy; compromise. Keep shopping for a car but keep it in your price range.

The right car is out there somewhere that will fit your budget and make him happy at the same time. Shop till you drop.

 

[Pepipony]

Sounds like you have one heckova boy there

I think the decision isnt should I get THIS car. But can we find one that we can afford that both/all of us will be happy with. Depending on where you are a good used car may be hard to find. But, they are out there. Good luck on what ever you decide.

 

[h2t99]

What about doing a google on that particular car and see if you can get it cheaper somewhere else?? It is a buyers market and if you have the money or financing already go in and deal and haggle for the price you want to pay!! My SIL found a year old car she wanted but it was a little to high for her, she went in with financing and a confident attitude and got them to go down almost $5000!!

So definately look online and in auto swapper papers, you may find that same car cheaper!!

Good Luck!!!

 

[KanoasDestiny]

My honest answer to you is .... in that situation with a child who has struggled so much in life already.. I would buy the car if I was able. If it meant things were tight and money was short and I had to give up things for myself so be it ( Ok I already have to do all that LOL)
I could give you all the Dr Phil parenting answers but reality is if all it takes is a bit of money and a bit of sacrafices to make something in life finally come easy for him I would be all over it.

Call me a softy or whatever but that is a 100 percent honest answer

I don't have kids, but I agree whole heartedly with Lisa. All I kept thinking while reading through the replies is the sad fact that none of us are promised another day. Plain and simple. I see it as your son has already been put through more than most of us ever will be. You said that he works hard, and he doesn't ask for much. We all grow up feeling like we have something to prove, whether it's to others, or to ourselves. He's missed out on a lot in his life, and maybe he feels that by getting this car, he is making a hard situation into a tolerable one.

I have always been one of those people who are really tight with money. I will spend thousands of dollars towards my pets for food, vet care, and extras, because I know I will not have them forever. Yet, my husband and I rarely take vacations, we don't buy brand new cars or appliances, and I've stopped us from buying three different homes in the past. It wasn't until recently that it started hitting home that we can be gone tomorrow. Then all the money I saved was for nothing. We put things off that could have brought happiness to our lives. It's hard but I'm trying to loosen up and take each day as it comes. Why put things off? I need to start looking at it that just like my pets, I may not have Mark forever. I know that buying your son this car would make things tight. But just think about the happiness you have the chance to give him, or the memories this car can help bring.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[Bess Kelly]

Look at your bills/budget and see if there is anything that can be "rearranged". Deal hard with the seller and get the price down. Anything laying around that can be "turned into cash"? Any family members that can/would contribute to a down payment? Any school grants that would help with that expense?

Sometimes we can work through obstacles and make it happen. Consider these options if all else seems doable.

 

[miniwhinny74]

Boy, that's a tough one. He sounds like a great kid, and there's no doubt he more than deserves it....but...you said it's "well over" what you'd expected to spend.

I guess the question is HOW much of a hardship would it be to get this particular car....and is it worth it? Obviously, if you can make adjustments in your budget fairly painlessly, that's great. But if you have to make major adjustments...I would say no. After all, there is a recession, and we know it will have to get better some day...we just don't know when. Teaching our children how to spend their money intelligently is one of the single most important thing we can teach them.

This car might be wants he wants, but who's to say there's not another one, just down the road, that he would like just as well? I would get online and find out if the car is indeed worth what they are asking for. Then, I would make sure to have a mechanic look it over for anything that could be a problem in the future. I would also research any recalls or problems that particular model might have had. Your son would probably enjoy the on-line footwork.

Also, keep an open mind on other cars--continue to look to see what else is out there. Then you can better make an informed decision.

I agree with the others--keeping your son in on the discussions, so he feels involved and so he feels he's a part of the ultimate decision. Good luck & let us know what happens!

Sounds like you have a wonderful son!

 

[minih]

But,, it is well over what I wanted to spend. It will make things tight for us. He has a job, but once school starts his hours will be cut in half. He is helping to pay for the car.

My first instinct is to say "go ahead", but there are other things to consider. He sounds like a child you need to work thru this with. Tell him about the money problem, your insurance will go way up--boy driver under 21, he will be having gas, oil, maintenance bills, and god forbid what if he was to get in a little fender bender that would require some repairs? Is this stuff you will be able to do? Will it put a hard financial burden on you and your family? When money is tight, tempers between family members usually flair. Do not hardship your family.

If there is a good answer for each of these, and if he is prepared to deal with all of the above, what else is stopping you?

 

[Keri]

I agree. Shop around and see if you can find this particular car cheaper elsewhere. My BIL did it with his truck. Flew to Denver and picked up a super nice truck and drove it home. He saved around 10K since it was just a truck someone wanted to get rid of (the pics were horrible and I think that's why it wasn't selling). But 5 years later, the truck is still running and in great shape.

Good luck in your decision one way or the other. Its tough to say no to our kids (especially one who has been through as much as yours in his short lifetime).

 

[shane]

no no no no no no , i wouldnt be buying any car

ill be in a situation like this in the near future, and my and ny hubby were jsust talking about this,

he said do you know we will have to let her get a car, and my answer is no not until shes thirty, shes only 9 now lol

ive already lost two, ....i do not want to be responsible for the help of loosing another ,im sorry ,i dont care if she hates me over it, if i boughther a car and anything happened to her i wouldnt be blaming myself and wouldnt cope, so thirty .....yep......thirty is a better age

good luck, i know what your going through x

 

[Frankie]

Wow, what a long day!! I decided to just start the process and see what happened. I called the insurance and got the quote. It was cheaper to have the car put in my name and list him as the 2nd driver.

So I call the dealer and ask for their bottom dollar. Still too much money on payments. So I do search for the car on line and was able to fine several at lower prices, although they all had more than the 20,000 miles that this one has on it. I printed off a few and took to the dealer, they lowered the price to almost match one I had taken in. We're getting closer. So we start the bank paperwork. He calls me with a payment amount at 7.25 interest and says that's good interest for a used car. I told him it had to be better, but we were closer. Half an hour later he calls, we are at 5.45 interest! So now the only thing holding me back is the taxes. The value we are down to, with the interest rate, has us at our payment, but still need the tax amount. No one else can budge, SO I DO!

So I call my son and ask where he is. He is at a park with a bunch of friends and his girlfriend. He asks, how's the car thing going? I tell him I am still working on the insurance thing and I need a copy of his permit, do you have it with you? I will be there in 5 minutes to pick it up and when this is settled we'll do the bank thing tomorrow and see what happens. A pretty sad, oh ok. I grab a big red bow, run to the dealer, put the bow on the car and head to the park.

I see him and his friends, pull over to the side and beep the horn, he turns around and turns right back around,,,so I LAID on the horn!! He took one step towards the car, put his hands on his head and was yelling. His girlfriend was jumping up and down and turning circles. His friends were saying, no way man is that your car. I got out of the car, I'm crying, he's crying, the girlfriend is crying, and by this time we had attracted a crowd of about 20 people who were applauding. None of which we knew. Now, ask me if this car was to much money?

By the way he is paying half the payment and all the insurance and gas. The factory warranty is transferred and is a 5/50,000.

I can tell you it is a Honda Civic with 20k miles on it. It has some extra stuff but I don't know what all. The only thing important, it has full curtains on it and if he is in a wreck, it becomes a bubble inside.

You guys gave me GREAT ideas, thank you SO MUCH!!

THANK YOU!!

 

[Crabby-Chicken]

Frankie,,,

You are awesome. He will always remember that moment.