Rude! I am upset for my parents...

[LindaL]

My mom is in ill health and has been for quite a long time. Right now she is fighting colon cancer and also something is making her very weak so that she can not walk well on her own, so she is in a nursing home for "rehab" (physical therapy). She has been there for about a week or so. My dad spends his days there with her and he is also one that likes is "privacy" at home.

Well, my mom has this friend who lives in NY (my parents live in Oregon), who decided to "surprise" my mom for her birthday which is on the 28th and is now in town! She is staying (apparently) at my parents' house (she answered the phone there!!

), which I am sure upsets my dad to no end...having a woman he barely knows staying at the house while my mom isn't there. Not to mention, my mom is not well and my parents just want to "hang out" together while she is in the nursing home.

WTH is wrong with people?!? I find this woman VERY rude to have just "shown up"...I am 3000 miles away or I would tell that woman what I think...

My parents will be "polite" to her, because she is my mom's friend (high school friend so for over 50 years), but I am sure they are feeling very upset and stressed out over her being there right now, which my mom does NOT need!

 

[Matt73]

That would drive me insane

I hate when people just show up here unannounced (just for even a quick visit...sales people or friend's of Kevin's etc.). Must be a country thing... I find it really rude, though. I mean just call ahead. I could be busy with umpteen number of things and someone just shows up. It says to me, "Hi!!! It's me!!! Drop everything just for meeeee!!!!". It never used to bother Kevin, but now that I'm bugged by it it bugs him and we've let some people know so it does happen much less often lol. Guess I'm a snobby city slicker

I'm not a hermit; I don't mind company. Just call me first!!! lol

 

[Shari]

He could always show her the door, after explaining to her, that her being there isn't proper!

 

[LindaL]

My dad wouldn't do that..."show her the door"...My parents just aren't that way, especially knowing she came 3000 miles to visit. But, she should realize that her being there isn't "convenient" at the moment. Maybe it's because they are all from NY, where everyone is "family" and "the door is always open" and I know that if my mom was feeling well and was at home, she would welcome the company, even unannounced. But, my mom is not well at all...just not a good time for company.

 

[shorthorsemom]

My grandmother always said... God bless the "comers" but dang thos "stayers." I can't stand drop in visitors.

I would want to call back and if she answered, I would probably ask her if she was crazy and tell her to go stay in a motel. If somebody did that to my parents, I would be wishing I could step in and be the heavy for them, then the person couldn't take it out on them, just me and from a distance.. It would be good if it I was a long distance away because if the person was in front of me, I wouldn't wanted to be tempted into hair pulling or freaking out.... I would want to try to find "polite words" and write them on a sheet to read from so I wouldn't say something like "ARE YOU FREAKING NUTS' All this is dream list brave talking, not reality...

I feel your pain and frustration and you are so right in your concern, I honestly don't know what I would do if it were my situation.

I heard a story about somebody who had visitors that kept coming at suppertime and inviting themselves to dinner. They had enough so one day they let the dog lick off the dinner plates and put them right back in the cupboard... Ironically the people never stopped in uninvited again for supper. LOL.

Good luck and keep us posted,

 

[Reble]

I guess I am different and I also have a high school friend and would be so happy to see her.

We are like sisters and when she comes to visit we never miss a beat, it is like we never where apart.

Talking about old times and seeing old friends can be so up lifting.

I am sure you mom and dad would do what is best for them, you really are not sure if that is the case.

Unless they said this to you.

She was only trying to surprise her, and I am sure your Dad will put your mother first, and know what is best for your mom, being what she is going through.

She needs lots of love around her, and maybe this will cheer her up and take her mind off her illness.

So sorry to hear your mom is so sick. Prayers coming her way...

So I guess I see the other side of this..

Ask your parents and see what they really feel,

sometimes we can be wrong as much as we think we know them.

 

[LindaL]

I should say it was not me who called and had this woman answer the phone...It was my uncle, who promptly emailed me to tell me the situation. If it had been me, I would have told her that while under normal circumstances my parents would welcome her visit... that at this time, she should at least stay in a motel and call to ASK my mom if it was a convenient time for her to come visit her in the nursing home.

 

[LindaL]

Rebel...I do see your side of this. But, I was just there to visit my mom 3 weeks ago and I SEE how ill she is. While I am sure my mom's heart is happy to see her friend, her body is not able to handle the "visit" if that makes sense. I know my mom well enough to know that she is a "pleaser" and probably feels obligated to make her friend feel welcome even when she would rather take a nap! I do not need to ask my parents the real situation...I KNOW my parents.

Thanks for your thoughts about my mom's illness. It has been very difficult, especially since I am so far away.

 

[Mona]

Well, I guess I too am of of opposite side of the thinking. Maybe YOU are thinking your Mom should be upset, but have you even asked your Mom how SHE feels about it? She may or may not be happy with the unannounced visit, but maybe the visit has brought some cheer into her life if even fior a brief time. It may mean the world to her that her long time high school friend made the effort to travel all the way across the country to go and see her, showing her that friends will do whatever it takes to be there for one another. I am sorry, but I just do not feel it is rude...it may not have been the best plan in hindsight, but it was done from the heart.

 

[LindaL]

OK...I guess you would need to know my parents to understand why it upsets me...

 

[Sonya]

Linda I understand....as my parents age and are ill they do not want anyone around but close family (their children and grandchildren) and of course would never say anything to the person imposing on them. I think its rude to just show up unannounced like that. I'm sure your dad wants to spend time with your mom and not have to worry about a guest. Hopefully she leaves soon so your mom can focus on healing and not worrying about a guest at her home. I am sorry for you and your folks.

 

[Sonya]

...wanted to add, everyone is different as they age and nearing the end....my parents do not even care to see their siblings, they just want to be around their children and grandchildren, they do not want visitors at all. They dont have the physical or mental strength for it.

 

[SampleMM]

Oh my, this would really upset me. I would have to call and ask the woman to leave. I feel that it is very insensitive of her to just drop in and stay. I would never, NEVER do that. Showing up at someone's house and just expecting them to be open to visit is nuts. I'm with Matt, I hate drop in visitors. I love people and I enjoy entertaining but please don't just pull up my driveway and expect me to have all the time in the world to visit. It is only polite to call before coming and to not call is rude.

 

[LindaL]

OK, I talked to my sister. My dad is stressed out a bit (both about my mom and the visitor), which I expected...but my mom is happy her friend is there. But, then again, she doesn't have "control" over the situation either, so nothing she can do but make her friend feel welcome (which is totally my mom)!

At home, however, I know my parents would APPRECIATE a call before just showing up. Even us "kids" know better than to not call first.

I am the same way...HATE drop in visitors...and if I am not "dressed" (since I don't work, sometimes I just stay in my jammies/barn clothes...lol

) I will just not answer the door if someone knocks...luckily, it is usually a "stranger" (mailman, solicitor, etc), so I don't care...lol

 

[Miniv]

Linda, I'm late chiming in on your situation.....

MY take is that it is indeed rude. I was brought up "old school".... This means --

CLOSE CLOSE friends/family in the area dropping by unannounced is okay (if it's at a reasonable hour), and as long as they don't mind seeing and getting what's going on in the house.....We may be in our PJ's, in the shower, no food or enough refreshments available -- tough. They have to deal with what ever is going on and if they can't, either we or they find an excuse for them to leave.

Everyone else better call ahead!

I personally find it shocking that someone (even an "old friend") would travel across country and show up without calling, expecting to be put up there. Hopefully your uncle or your sister can step in on behalf of your dad, since he's not in a good emotional state to say anything.