Senile dementia or alzheimer

[Bassett]

First my husband is 78, 14 years older than I am. Our age difference has NEVER made a difference. But starting to as we age. He had several strokes when he was 62 and had carotiod artery surgery. I'm sure he has small strokes many times (called tias) since, as most people do. He is under a doctors care. Goes every month to have a protime test. So he is well taken care of.

What's hard is: I haven't had a good nights sleep in 2 years. Seperate beds is not an option. He tosses himself around all night. I get lots of elbows in the face, knees in the back, etc. If we had seperate beds I probably would not know what he is doing.

He gets up in the middle of the night and gets fully dressed, including winter coat and boots. I sleep with one eye and both ears open because I'm afraid he will go outside and disappear in the night when no one is watching over him. Many times he crawls back in bed fully dressed like he is going outside. That is really a wierd feeling to feel his boots on your leg. He gets up and just stands in the dark and says he doesn't know where he is. Can't find the bathroom, so uses a corner or worse a dresser drawer. Sorry.

I could tell more but I just had to vent a little and I know many people on here have their own problems in life and will understand. I've always been one to keep things inside. Just felt the need to finally get a little understanding.

Don't get me wrong. I still love him.

: We will be married 45 years on February 27, 2007.

Wouldn't turn him in for anything. Just worry about him so much.

Nursing home is also NOT an option. Just feel fortunate that I was able to retire early, even if it was my health that forced it, so I can be home to watch him.

Anyone else dealing with this?

Bonnie B

 

[Warpony]

Anyone else dealing with this?

Bonnie B

(((hug)))

It's so hard, I know. And the more you love them the more it hurts to see them like this.

i haven't dealt with it myself, but I can remember my Aunt caring for my great grandmother when I was a small child. It was so hard for everyone. I also remember when my ex husbands grandmother started to have some signs of senile dementia and one day I walked in and she was sitting in her kitchen chair crying. I gave her a hug and asked what was wrong and she just sobbed and said, "I can't remember how to make a pie crust! I've make pie crust every week since i was twelve years old and i can't remember how to do it! I never wrote it down, because why would I ever need a recipe for my OWN pie crust?" It was hard for her because she recognized what was going on but was powerless to stop it... and it was hard for us because we all loved her so much. It was harder for us but easier for her once she got to the point where she didn't know that she was having trouble.

Anyway, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this, but i admire the love you have for your husband. He is lucky to have you. You can only be strong for so long and sometimes you need to just vent... there is no shame in that. ((hug))

 

[lyn_j]

I feel so bad for you...and him. This is something you need to think about.... you cant continue not sleeping and if he is so confused he is peeing in the dresser drawers, maybe getting a night nurse to sit with him, if this is his bad time, and you move to another room to sleep. Most times when people get to the point your husband is, they are placed in a secure environment like an alzheimers unit at a nursing home. I know you think you are letting him down by asking for help but that is necessary. I say this from a nurses perspective and from personal experience.

Lyn

 

[Marty]

I understand completely. I have been through this twice. I was the care-giver for years.

The first time was my aunt. My mom's sister, and we had to move her in with my mom. Jerry and I lived next door to mom. For a while it went well, but got worse. Mom was coming over in the middle of the night needing us to help her get my aunt off the floor. She'd get up in the night and fall. Finally broke her hip. During the day, she'd call me at the barn, where I was self employed, and tell me to get home......things were out of control all the time. There's much more, and it got ugly. It just got worse and worse and mom couldn't handle her. I had my two babies, a job, and tried to be there as much as possible every day too. When my aunt fell again with another hip injury, this time she never came home from the hospital. She didn't know us anymore and we knew it was time for her to go to the nursing home. That was good because it was at the end of our street and we could be there every day and every night. It was a good place for her to be. No regrets.

Then mom began to get alzheimers too and couldn't be left alone. We moved to Tennessee and took her with us against her will. Then she suffered strokes, (TIAs) and had open heart surgery. Nurses came to the house daily. It was ok at first for a while, until it got to where I couldn't leave her alone for a minute. She started two fires in this house, wandered out in the road and was nearly hit by a logging truck, got lost wandering in the pasture with the big horses, and started to hit me and my boys. One day she hit me in the face with a hot pot of soup and I was severly burned, but that could have been my boys. I was always beat up and brusied and being new here, a lot of people thought that it was Jerry doing this to me and I would say, no, that my mom had alzheimers and you would be surprised at how many others were in the same boat as I was. She just didn't know anything. Jerry installed rails in the bathroom and things to help but it was a chore bathing her daily and changing her diapers. When she would fall, it was dead weight on me. So between raising my boys and caring for mom like a baby, it took it's toll. She'd SCREAM all night long, every night, and there were so many pills........nothing helped. We had no life and it was hurting my boys not being able to have friends over or go anywhere because we always had to stay with mom. After years of this I was drained and she went to live in a private nursing home of 10 patients, here in the country that was owned by two nurses. Home cooking. Better than I ever could have made! Lots of activities going on there all the time. She was much better off there and that is where she died in peace. Ironically, this was the same nursing home that Michael sang Christmas Carols at and played Bingo at with his youth group last year. Again, I have no regrets that she went to live there. She was a very proud woman and would never have wanted to be a burden to me so I knew this was the right thing to do but I waited way too long to admit it and put it off too long.

My best advice to you is to be realistic and know that this does not get better, but will get worse. You cannot be of much help if you cannot get any sleep and if your health starts to go downhill due to this situation, you will be in much trouble. You do need separate beds and I would highly suggest to you to get him a hospital bed with rails that you can rent from a medical supply store. Medic-aid will pay. You have to protect him and also yourself. There are also out-patient situations if you check into this where you can bring your husband for a few hours a day that will take care of him while you go out to do your shopping. Call your Doctor and your local Social Services and they will guide you on what is available to you. You have to face this head on but you do not have to do this alone. Do not be a martyr, Do not feel guilty doing what you have to do.

Much Love

Marty

 

[bjcs]

Bonnie I feel for you as I have also lived this life to some extent. My ex-husband had a head injury with some brain damage.

I could not have said it better then Marty, please listen to her.

I thought that I was suppose to be a martyr and felt guilty at the thought of letting someone else take care of him. You know (for better or worse) well like you said, he is being well cared for but what about you? Out of love for your husband you should try to get help for you. I thought that I was strong enough to get though it on my own but it takes a toll after a while and your health will suffer and then you will not be able to help him. Getting help for you doesn't mean you are turning him in or that you don't love him it is just the opposite. If you want to help him then you have to help you and don't feel guilty.

Feel free to pm me if you want to talk.

There are support groups online that can help.

Best of luck - love and prayers to you

Barbara

 

[PaintedPromiseRanch]

Bonnie please listen to Marty and Barbara. you love him and you want to take care of him, but it will not help either of you if doing so damages your health!! there is no shame or guilt in taking the help you need, it will be better for both of you in the long run. God's blessings on both of you!!!

 

[Shaladar]

I feel for you....I truely do, as I have been there.....with my late husband, (died 10/13/94) his was dementia caused by Cancer....I did the best I could, for as long as I could.... but he also would get up in the middle of the night and try to do things he didin't know he was doing, and then as time went on he got weak and would fall down. even as thin as he was I couldnt get him back up..I felt so bad for him....but he couldn't help it.....I finally HAD to put him in a Care Facility...I did have help with Hospice and such....but it is so heartbreaking. We had a lot of big horses at the time and I'd rush out to feed when he was asleep, hoping he'd still be asleep when I got back in. It was hard. But one can only do so much.

Remember....YOU have to take care of YOU. Do not feel you have failed him because you have to ask for help.

My thoughts are with you.

Sue

 

[Bassett]

Thank you all so much. I do have an advantage in the fact that we live with our youngest son. He is a big help. Granddaughters are here with their Dad every other week.

: They help a lot also.

Days are okay. Nights are the problem for me. But he DOES fall down and I can't get him up. His doctor asked him if he would consider using a walker. Duane said "No way". The doctor told him he walked okay but if he ever broke a hip when he fell that it wouldn't be good. He is on coumadin, blood thinner, and was told it probably never would heal. Then I know it would be a nursing home for him. Our home would not accomadate an invalid very easily.

Ironically, he mows our whole lawn, probably an acre all together with a push mower. I think next year it won't happen. I don't feel it's safe. Mowing is his passion. He loves it. Also mows our older sons lawn, (in Minnesota) with a rider. Our brother-in-law and sister in Indiana is going to bring him their old rider up next year. They got a new one.

I did personally pull his drivers license. I told him he can't drive any more. I told him I was NOT going to renew his truck license and was going to take the insurance off of it. He seems to be okay with it.

Oh, well, we takes it a day at a time, BUT some of you have given me food for thought. I don't mean to make it sound so bad, but I get SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO frustrated sometimes. Anyone who knows Duane would never think any of this ever happened because he acts so well yet. My son that we live with and I are the only one who sees it.

Sorry 2 vents in one day.

: :no: :new_shocked:

Bonnie B

 

[Shaladar]

I don't mean to make it sound so bad, but I get SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO frustrated sometimes. Anyone who knows Duane would never think any of this ever happened because he acts so well yet. My son that we live with and I are the only one who sees it.

Sorry 2 vents in one day.

: :no: :new_shocked:

Bonnie B

Bonnie,

You vent all you want.....and don't feel bad for being frustrated, (I know you do and will....its just human nature) It IS Frustrating....you WILL be Angry....it's OK....

Sue

 

[anoki]

Yes, I've been there and done that too....my grandma lived here for most of a year, and she has alzheimers.

Unfortunately, this is the house that she raised her kids in, so she always went through all the cupboards like they were hers (even though the house has drastically changed since my parents bought it some 30 years ago!). We were NEVER able to leave her here on her own, she'd leave the stove on, doors open, etc, etc.

I remember my Mom going out one fall day, and grandma was hiding in the corn field!!! One evening, my parents had to go out, so I was 'watching' her. She thanked me for coming out to look after her....she had NO idea who I was. Needless to say she is in a home now...it was just too much worry....and it wasn't an easy decision. My mother worked in the nursing home industry for 15 years, and she said she'd never put anyone in a home. But this is my father's mother, and his family decided to put her in a home....none of them believed anything was wrong with her, because they'd come and visit for an hour or 2, and everything seemed fine to them!!!! It was very frustrating.

Now we have both of my mother's parents here and an aunt (my grandma's sister, who has never been married, never had to do anything for herself.....oh don't get me going :no: ). It is very frustrating with them. They are 81, 83 & 85.....and are fairly good, the aunt and my grandpa still drive (though neither probably should, but Lord help anyone who tries to tell them that). My grandpa doesn't realize that he urinates on the floor when he goes to the washroom, and we can't convince him to change his clothes every day. He gets very defensive when we try to talk to him about this kind of thing....

It definitely isn't easy that's all I can say.....

But (((((((hugs)))))))) to you, because I know how frustrating and hard things can get....

~kathryn

 

[Reble]

My adopted Father had Alzheimer's. He raised me since I was two weeks old. My mother could not help him anymore and put him in the hospital.

Sorry the other side of things, after a few months, seen him being neglected and decided to take him home, My darling hubby, when seeing him said no way is he going to be neglected with all he has given to you.

So I was blessed for only a little over a year, with raising four small children and dealing with Alzheimer's.

My husband was great had to bath, and help him to the wash room, but would not give up one moment for having my father with us, it got bad at times and started to go to meetings that dealt with Alzheimer's, excellent help and people who where going through my issues.

He also past away with a stoke. Bless you for taking on this and as long as your son and his grandchildren are helping, just get out and make sure you get some advice. Look into Alzheimer meetings.

I am thinking at night put a bell or something on the door, so you know when he gets up or a buzzard helps and than maybe you can have him in another room, so you can get some rest.

Also could try using a big jar, for toilet beside bed.

Again Bless You and if you need to talk you can email me anytime.....

:

 

[Sterling]

I just want to give you a big ((hug)) and to say bless you for loving him and taking care of him throughout all these years.

 

[SunQuest]

Hugs to you. It is tough. Been there with my Grandmother that just passed away this summer. Yes, sometimes you need to vent. It is a necessity when you are a caregiver. I also understand you not wanting to put him in a home. We felt strongly about this as well and figured that we would give care as good as the homes. Still, there comes a time when all must question if it is too much for the other family members. Don't forget about how they feel. You are so lucky that you are there and they are there for your husband.

The others are right. You MUST make time for yourself to get away and relax. There are support groups for demensia situations, and getting a secure place to take him for short times or getting releif help to come into the home definately would help. Some of the support groups may be online as well.

I do have some recommendations for you.

First, they make a portable potty chair thing. You can get them at medical supply stores. This you could place in your room near where ever he is choosing to go so he doesn't have to leave the room. Leave the lid up when there is nothing in it. It would look enough like a toilet that he may use it and is made to be used by people that can sit but not get to a bathroom. Easier to clean than the floor or drawer. I can't say how long he will remember what it is for, but one can only hope that it would help.

Next, get a bell or door alarm that sounds when the door opens. This way you can sleep more soundly and know that the alarm goes off if he trys to leave. Here is a link to a company that sells stuff for demensia patients. I have never used them, so don't know if how reputable they are, but it will at least give you an idea of what you may be able to accomplish. http://www.abledata.com/abledata.cfm?pagei...mp;orgid=113368

Also, there are motion sensors that you may be able to use. Some will notify you if you are in another room and he tries to leave. I have a motion sensor at home that we plug a light into. It turns on when someone activates it. We used it in our vehicles to catch a person that was breaking into our car. No noise made, but it turned on a little night light in the room that caused us to wake up.

Possibly consider pinning bells onto his outfits that are in the closet. You can remove them during the day when he is with you, but that way at night when he gets dressed he would wake you up instead of climbing into bed with his clothes on. Not to say that he wouldn't remove the bells, but he would probably make noise first with them.

I am sure there are tons of ideas that I haven't thought of that others with dementia/alzheimers have. Support groups are your best bet as they have all been there. Here is just one sight that I found online. They have a message board or forum like we have here at LB, and they also have a live chat that they have a couple of times a month. Here is the link. http://alzonline.phhp.ufl.edu/

Here is another link to a forum that is specifically for caregivers that have to deal with all kinds of issues when caring for those that can't do so for themselves. I get the feeling that this site isn't just for those caring for lovedones with dementia, but rather a site for the caregivers to help themselves deal with the issues that they face, much of which is emotional. http://www.care-givers.com/cgi-bin/ubbcgi/...gi?action=intro

I would bet there are other sites out there as well. These were just the first ones I found when searching. And of course we are all here to listen to you when you need an ear as well.

Many hugs to you and yours.

 

[Bassett]

Thank you all so much for your responses. I have done a lot of research these past few days and have talked it over with both our sons and we all realize that things will get worse. It can not get better. Even had a talk with Duane (husband) about it. He knows things are not what they should be and he remembers his mother and how she acted. She had senile dementia which I'm sure is what Duane has. We have a doctor appointment the first week in January so will ask lots of questions and see if something can be done to help him.

Last night he got up at 2:30 and got dressed. Said he was going out to milk the cows. Finally talked him into coming back to bed. And he always goes right back to sleep. Grew up on a farm and hasn't had cows since 1947. Sixty years.

So again I thank you for sharing your experiences. It has opened my eyes to a few things and has helped me tremendously. Love you guys. Have a MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Bonnie B

 

[mistyrose]

My Dad had a problem that was similar. He had multiple small stokes that caused his problem. His sister died of Alzhiemers. The small stokes cause changes to be sudden followed by periods of no change until the next stoke occurs. Alzhiemers gets worse at a steady pace. Many people have a combination of the two.

If you could get a security system installed that can be set to buzz when the doors open it could help your sleep. It worked great when our kids were little and for my dad as he got worse. I worked alot of geriatrics in a med surg unit when I was younger. Night is always the worst time. We called it "sundowners"

Try and find a support group. Even one just on line could help you cope a little. My mother would take a week away once a year with her friends from college. My dad would come and stay with us. It was a life saver for her towards the end.

 

[qtrrae]

Oh Bonnie,

I had no idea you were going through this. If there is anyway at all that I can help please let me know.

Like others have said there is a lot of help out there. I'm so glad you are seeing the doctor in January. Hopefully you will get some helpful ideas and will have a better idea of what to expect.

Hugs and prayers for you and Duane and your lovely family.

 

[JumpinJackFarm]

Oh Bonnie...I am so sorry you are going through this...you need help so bad.

A few years back I worked on the alzheimers wing of the nursing home I worked in.

I have heard every story imaginable of how the spouses worked so hard keeping their loved ones at home before asking for help. Often times when they got to this point they almost needed the nursing home as well. It'll wear you down....you need to take care of yourself too. I know you love him

:

Consider getting help during the night.

Are you getting any breaks during the day? (help from the outside)

There are great meds out there also that will help him relax too...and I am sure there are many more since I have been away from the medical field.

Take care of yourself and get some help. Just know you are not failing your husband in anyway. You soon will be making some tough decisions because you love him so much. Sending you a warm Hug ~ Teri

*I had a Grandma that died of alzheimers as well :no: