To the Divorcees...

[Merogsrha]

Howdy there!

This thread is about what ultimately gave you the "umph" to call it quits on your marriage?

Reason for this is because I have seriously been contemplating pulling the plug on my nearly 2 yr marriage (6 yrs together). No physical/verbal abuse. Basically LACK OF AMBITION is becoming to much. I am a mother of two (with my husband, who also has two older children), who works a part time (looking for other PT to equal a full time paycheck) to support the ENTIRE household.

Children, Animals, Household expences - all on me. Time after time, break down after break down, my husband has NOT gotten the hint I CANNOT keep it up. If I try, stress is going to drop me dead. No joke.

The breaking point for me I think has come today. My Federal Income tax was docked almost $1300 to pay for my husbands back due child support on his other two children. Now that $1300 was to go towards my mini-barn/run in, and some bills. Now its GONE.

Time after Time I tell him I cannot keep doing it alone. heck, I may as well be. The ONLY thing that would be different if he "wasn't here" would be the need to have a babysitter. He does not do anything extra around the house, shows no interest in MY interests, and has NO future goals it seems besides Beer and Black Ops.

I probably should have known better. You never marry someone and hope they change... cause it don't happen. But, that is part of the reason I was so gung ho on the marriage thing... thought it would make things different. It made things different alright- made it harder to kick his butt out LOL

Anywho- for anyone willing to share, what gave you the courage?

 

[izmepeggy]

I thought,do I want to live 5 or 10 years like this..And the answer was NO..After 11 years I packed up and left.The best decision,and the only decision I can make., I just wish I'd left sooner..That was 12 years ago...How many years do you want to waste? That should be your question,and only you can answer it..As for you taxes..You need an Injured spouse form. http://askthemoneycoach.com/2011/03/claim-injured-spouse-relief-irs-form-8379/ It's HIS dept,NOT your's.DO NOT LET THEM TAKE YOUR MONEY...I know it will be hard at first..But,isn't your happiness and piece of mind worth it.Your children will be better off too..But that is just MY opinion.

What gave me the courage.???

GOD

 

[Merogsrha]

Thats for sharing Peggy!

How many more years do I want to waste is the exact question I keep asking myself lately... And my answer is not a heck of a lot more. The "easy going, non-confrontational" side of me is the only thing holding me back I think. Probably why my stress level is so HIGH, because I hold everything in. Such as yesterday when I opened my bank account to see a bunch of money that wasnt there the night before- I should have been happy happy... that happiness quickly turned into being FURIOUS when I seen how much was "missing" (Thanks for the link- I WILL be filing that form ASAP!!!) For the next 3 hours, I could feel my heart pounding through my ears and was redder than a fire engine... but alas, my kids were here, and that is one thing I won't do, is get into any sort of argument in front of them... figured once gramma picked them up in the afternoon, crap would hit the fan.. but nope, I kept holding it in, letting it fester.. *sigh*

I wish it was as easy as ME packing up and leaving... I probably would have been gone yesterday; but the home we are living in is on a Land Contract, and every red cent that has been paid on it, has come out of my pocket - I'll be darned if he's the one to stay Though who knows... maybe if I pack the kids, animals, and I up, and leave him with the payments........

 

[2minis4us]

I feel sorry for you. I am not a divorced. I just wanted to say that if you file for a legal separation doesn't that make you not responsible for his debt ? I don't know for sure. Maybe if you file he will get the hint. You might need to do something legally to protect your interests, and money.

 

[Merogsrha]

Don't feel sorry for me - I put myself in this situation Sad thing is, thats what it may take for him to 'get it'. I'll give the short version of a long story -

3 yrs ago this past december, he was let go from his job for reasons out of his control (family sickness that caused missed work time). This was right after our first daughter was born. I originally told him I was OK with him staying home and me going out to work - AS LONG AS I COULD MANAGE IT. So, last three years, Ive been the bread winner.

When we got this place, I told him i would NOT loose it - no matter what it took. Well, cost of living shot through the roof, but my wages sure didnt. Times have been TOUGH, VERY tough. For the last year my stress level has been through the roof, and on more than one, or two, or three occassions, I've mentioned I Couldn't manage it alone anymore, and I wished he would find at least a PT job. Nothing.

New Years Eve this year, I wrote him my "Resolutions" letter, basically saying it was now or never, things had to change in 3 different areas of our life - finances included. Nothing. Can't even say he acknowledged the letter. He 'sorta' improved two aspects, but nothing drastic. Absolutely nothing to help in the finances department.

And now we are here, with what I think is the straw that has broken the camels back...

I will look into what I would have to do to protect myself and finances (what little there is lol), but mainly my land... this is my future homestead and self sufficiency paradise

And one quick side note- If things go south, I would in NO way prohibit him from having contact with his children. I've watched the mothers of his two older children keep them away from him, and that is one thing I WON'T do.

 

[Jenna]

I'm not divorced, or ever even been married, however you're saying that all he seems to care about was Black Ops and Beer... if I was you I'd take the Xbox, PS, whatever it is he just sits on and plays and throw it out the window and smash it, and break the games. If he wants beer, he can get up, get a job and buy his own. Alcohol is not cheap, and if he's not contributing why should he get rewarded.

Def look into protecting yourself and then leave. Why settle for a mediocre life, when some where out there is a great guy who will see you as his partner, not his caretaker. There is a fine line between "through sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse" and just not trying.

Hope you figure it out.

 

[2minis4us]

If you divorce and you are the bread winner he might sue you for alimony. IMO you need some legal help.

Also HE should leave, not you.

 

[Marty]

I had the courage to divorce jerk #1 because I grew a brain and knew I deserved better.

I would never in a million years support a man. Contribute to the household, of course, but never ever have full support put on me. Ever.

 

[Hosscrazy]

My ex and I split after 10 years of marriage, and we both put a lot of thought into the split. We went to counceling as well, to help us with our deicison. Basically, we came to the realization that life is not a dress rehearsal - this is a one time deal, and you never get it back. While we were "content", we were not happy and had too many differences in our life goals, plans and dreams. That was 13 years ago, we boh have since remarried - we still remain good friends, but we needed to go separate ways as a married couple. Without a doubt it was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, and iwthout a doubt the best.

Good luck with your decision, and make sure you have a lot of support around you - friends, family, etc.

Liz N.

 

[Flying minis]

SELL THE XBOX! Let him know it's a beginning repayment for the $1300.00. Quit financing his beer, or anything else he needs.. . talk to an attorney to protect your assets, DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE. It is a MESS to get your house back if you leave and leave him there - especially if he is unemployed. Went through this with my ex, my house was even IN MY NAME, but I left and he was unemployed so he had no way to get another place - but I did because I was employed, so they would not force him out. I had to keep making house payments, propane, water, electric, everything while he sat there for 3 months. Luckily, he finally decided to move. Check with your attorney FIRST.

 

[izmepeggy]

Here is the form you need..And I never file a joint return.. http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/f8379.pdf Good luck and keep your head up,.

 

[Ashley]

The question really is, how much more of your life can you afford to lose (health wise)?

NOpebody can tell you what to do or help you decided what to do as nobody really knows you. Evaluate the pros the cons and what would the benifits of each be. Look back at what was originally there to see what you fell in love with in the first place and can you ever get back to that. Most of all what is it in your heart that you really want?

 

[Carolyn R]

The choice is ultimately yours, and as said,you must be the one to evaluate your situation. I am going to put this out there, as no one else has, and from seeing the same withdrawn behavior with in my own extended family, is it possible depression is an issue? I have seen this behavior, and until it was addresses and treated, it remained the same. In the case I speak if, it was due to lack of proper hormones being produced.

 

[Merogsrha]

Thank you everyone! I only have time for a quick reply before I head to work, so I hope I get everything lol.

First, I want to make sure it is known I did not start this thread to ask "should or shouldn't I" get a divorce, because as a couple have said, no one here really knows me, my husband, or the situation

My main objective is to see what has influenced others to make that decision, and what gave them the courage to do so.

I do not have many people I can talk to "in real life" who do not have a biased opinion. My family never really agreed with the marriage, so they all say get 'er done, while his side, I do not feel right discussing it with. And my only experience with divorce is from my own parents, who split and remarried EACH other 3 times before they finally quit for good and are remarried or in a serious relationship with the RIGHT people for them.

Carolyn, Depression and/or other issues could DEFINETLY be at hand here. BUT, coucilng, etc etc are NOT something my husband "believes" in. I do not hold very high hopes that he would be willing to talk to someone. Heck, in the 6 yrs we have been together, the ONLY time he has seen any sort of "docter" was to have his teeth pulled... and he really should have a "Check up", but its been 6 yrs and I still have not been able to convince him to go.

OK, out of time for now, will check back again this evening and catch up to anything I may have missed

Thank you again everything for your input, and keep it coming!

 

[LindaL]

Well, my story is much different than most (here anyway...lol) and the reason I was divorced from my husband of 12 years was because I finally (at age 35) decided that I wanted to be "happy" and that for me was to come out as a lesbian and be with a woman. When I first came out to my husband, he was hurt and we separated for a month or so (still living in same house; just different bedrooms). Then we decided to "try again" for the kids' sake (fyi, never try to save a marriage for the kids' sake...it just makes everyone miserable including the kids). We even went on vacation together. Three months later, I told him I was done. I could not do it anymore. My husband of 12 yrs, whom if I was straight I would probably have stayed married to because we really did not have any "problems" in our marriage...became a JERK...when I moved out and my new GF moved in with me (was not right away...lol). It started years of fighting over the kids, alimony, child support, visitation, etc. The day (right after a mediation session) he told me I was a "bad" mother and he was taking my kids away from me, is the day I lost ALL respect for him...and I fought for MY kids...and won full custody of both kids without ever having to go to court! Being the jerk that he was, he paid a social worker $3000 to do home studies on both households (he was living in his new GF/now wife's house and I was living with my partner) thinking that the SW would "side" with him and not deem a gay household appropriate for his kids...well, he was WRONG! The SW wrote in her report that MY household was more "stable" and the kids were "happier" living with me/partner!

While it has been hard at times, I was happier in my LIFE and never ever regret leaving my straight marriage! (I also never regret having married the jerk, because I have 2 beautiful children from that marriage!) That all started in 1997...and today, I am stronger for it and have a life I love!

So, that is my "shortened version" divorce story for those who didn't know...LOL!

 

[HGFarm]

I feel for you.... after 13 fun filled years (NOT!!) I finally had to get out. I was exhausted. Same thing- I was the steadier worker, had to do all the 'maid work', mother work, discipline, school meetings and anything else involved on top of feeding all the critters, etc... oh, not to mention he would not even attempt to cook anything. There was NO ambition, motivation, wanting to improve or having any goals. When he told me he had NO dreams, ambition or goals AT ALL, that was the final straw for me- on top of putting up with verbal abuse and alcoholism, and an anti social personality. After a couple of years at the end of just saying "I dont care anymore", I woke up one morning and ........... didnt care. I had nothing left (emotionally). So I did just that- left.

I got more verbal abuse, was told I'd never make it on my own. Ha, never tell me I cant do something! I did. Been happily divorced since 1987 and dont think I will ever do that again. Have been in a relationship with the same guy now for 19 years but neither of us care about getting married. I am very independant and self sufficient, so really dont see the need, lol

 

[AngC]

I’m on #3.

#1 drank like a fish and attempted to thump on me. #2 bit the dust because he liked to sleep around. I left both of them. Where did my courage come from? I DESERVE better than that, and if I had stayed, I would never have had anything better. Nothing’s perfect, but #3 and I have about 15 years under our belts. There’s been better and there’s been worse, but through it all he’s always worked and brought in at least $20-30K more than I did. Therefore about a year ago, along with my retirement and the savings over the years, that allowed me to stop working. We ended up where we’re at, because we had at least some of the same goals.

It’s hard, because there was a reason you married him; sometimes that’s hard to let go of. And it can be scary to head off on your own. Obviously you’ll have to make your own decision, but if you’re coming on a public forum screaming in pain, that already indicates things just aren’t going well. I sincerely wish you all the best.

 

[Helicopter]

There is no way in this life or the next that I would work to support a man. End of story.

 

[Merogsrha]

Thank you Ladies for sharing your stories and insight! I have to do a quick reply (he has no idea Ive come here for advice from others who have been in the same situation), before he (finally) crawls out of bed.

Laurie, your ex sounds like my current husband- no ambition, no dreams, alcoholic (though no abuse), and anti-social (which I think is a huge reason he doesn't have the ambition to WORK!). I am at my last straw, and the last week (since I started this thread), we have had very limited conversation, Ive had to say NO to beer on several occasions (even after mentioning our defaulted elec. bill, and the fact that ALL of the first tax refund was GONE)... And I agree on the part about never telling me I cant do something- I ALWAYS rise to that challange He is 'lucky' he hasnt said that to me yet, cause though WOULD be the ignitor to this flame

Over the last week, things have been 'tense' in the sence there is NO talk except small talk (he totally avoids any REAL conversation), and nothing has changed... even after I took my ring off, and didn't raise the fuss about Valentines Day I usually do... I got the 'guilt' trup for not being excited over a FaceBook Valentines message.... apparently its too hard to SAY it out loud, and maybe throw in a hug with it... thats all Ive ever wanted; but even that is too much to ask apparently lol.

I pretty much know how this is going to end, just not 'when'. I have a hard time "cowgirl'in" up and just gettin' 'er done I guess. Too soft hearted my family would say LOL.

 

[HGFarm]

Being in a miserable relationship is no fun. I didnt realize how miserable and disfunctional it was until I had time away. I have never been happier now, rather than with all the grief that I had during those years (I am a slow learner, lol). That's ok, in all the years we were married never once did I get a gift for birthdays (not even a card), Valentines, Xmas, etc.... Guess this is why holidays really dont mean much to me any more. I should have woken up much sooner. I encourage you to just drink down your six pack of 'whup a$$' and do it. Stand up for yourself- it makes you even stronger.