To the Divorcees...

[Merogsrha]

Well, here I am, a year later... I lost internet for a while, but decided to go through and re-read the entire thread and see how things 'felt'. I am still with my husband, for reasons even I do not understand... I know I said it last year; but I am finally ready to bite the bullet, and put on my cowgirl pants, and Get 'er Done!

In the last year, my husband did get a job, and it has turned full time... so the finances are a bit better.... but thats just about it. The other two things I told him in my Resolutions letter a year ago, have not improved... and those are far more important to me than the finances... Sure there are occasional good days... but they are far outweighed by the "bad" days. Again, no physical or verbal abuse... just plain lazy, unmotivated, non-ambitious existence...

I am at the stage of just not caring anymore, have lost all attraction I had for him, and everything he does (right down to the way he breathes LOL) gets on my last nerve... I figure that is a sign I need to finally make the leap. I am in a tight spot as far as my personal finances go (Ive been out of work since Mid-November with a knee injury and surgery...first day back is tomorrow); so I am completely lost as far as what to do about the living arrangements. In our "discussions", he says he is not going to leave the house... and I go back and forth between wanting the house, and just wanting OUT..

I came here, mostly to get some of this off my chest... as I mentioned before, I don't have many "real life" people I can talk to without a biased opinion on the subject... and not looking for a "should I or shouldnt I" response, as I know it is impossible to give; but the support you have all showed, and your stories have really helped me in this mess of a marriage I have

 

[2minis4us]

Hi, I just read your newest post. JMO - but if you are still not happy a year later sounds like you never will be in your current situation. I don't think a man like that will change, especially if you don't try counselling... and it seems like he doesn't want to.

You and your husband need to have a serious heart to heart. If he says he doesn't care then it's up to you to change things, BE STRONG ! You have children to protect and if you are suffering they will too.

 

[Merogsrha]

Thankyou for the encouraging words! I think I just need reassurance from somewhere that I am not "crazy" for thinking of leaving (or making him leave) over all of this. We have had some "discussions", if you can call it that, over the last year - and he knows I am not happy, and knows what it is I am not happy about... He may make an effort one day, then none the next; with more none days than some effort days. Ive told him that I do not want to end up like my parents My parents tried to make it work for many years; even marrying each other three times... to finally seperating and finding people that made them happy. But, after all the years of trying to make it work, they hate each other. That is not what I want to happen. And I think that is what WILL happen if we continue... I think I am finally realizing that he may never change, and I am ready to put my foot down. Life is too short to live unhappy, especially if there is another path to take.. Ive told him I was ready to walk, but always give in and "give it another day" (which is how I am still here a year later...)... But this time, I need to just DO IT! And be strong (Thank you again for that!)

 

[HGFarm]

Yep, been there done that and put up with it for 13 years. I am MUCH happier and better off on my own. And never again will I ever be put in that position!!! EVER. He needs to take a hike and I agree- sell the Xbox and anything else you can to help pay the bills since you are a one income household. If he wants nice things, guess he should figure out how to do that. I feel for you but I would be packing his bags!!!! What you see is what you get - as my mother used to say, you can't make silk out of a sow's ear. It ain't gonna happen and people are who they are. There is no magic wand that makes them suddenly turn into a responsible or caring person. The only way you will not be responsible for his bills is a divorce. Find a man who has a caring attitude that will contribute to the relationship. What you have there is a free loader and there are a LOT of them out there. I do fine on my own and you will too!!

 

[HGFarm]

By the way, we had many discussions too, all were a waste of time and breath. Nothing every changed except for my frustration level.

 

[Merogsrha]

By the way, we had many discussions too, all were a waste of time and breath. Nothing every changed except for my frustration level.

This is EXACTLY what is happening with me!

I feel a little better knowing I am not the only one out there who has been in this type of situation (lazy, unmotivated, etc partner). I KNOW I can do it on my own- I am a VERY hardworking, independent, stubborn woman lol. And he has been told that I am not scared to 'start over'... and it doesnt faze him, so I guess he really is breaking the last straw on his own. I guess it is just a matter of timing really, especially if I want to keep the house. Right now he makes twice as much as me, and says he wants the house anytime we have a chat... It is because of MY hard work that we have ever had ANY home, and because of that, I have changed my mind from "Ill walk away" to I want the house. Plus when it boils down to it, I will be the one who cares mostly for the children, no matter how much Id like to believe he would be very involved. I am job hunting to find FT work so I can be financially stable on my own, and be able to keep my home as far as money goes... the fight with him will be a whole 'nother story! It would be so much easier to just pack myself and the kids up, and move; as far as avoiding the confrontational house debate.... but Id be looking for a home for me, my two kids, two dogs, cat, horse, and four chickens.... while he stayed on "our" (MY) 16 acres... ..... and after I just typed that last sentence, my blood boiled a little, and I realize it IS worth the fight to keep this home!!

I feel stronger, and better every time one of you folks share your story, and offer the support and encouragement; and for that I THANK YOU!!!!

 

[JAX]

Divorcing my husband was the hardest thing I have ever done, also the smartest. My only regret was that I waited so long.

 

[Merogsrha]

I believe the wheels are finally in motion for real this time. After a "discussion" got a bit heated this evening, I told him I was done, and wasn't planning on giving up the house like he was thinking. He didn't give me a penny towards bills or gas; so I am thinking we are on the same page... unless he wakes up and gives it to me tomorrow.... but I think at this point, I would turn it down - just to drive my point home, and let him know I am serious this time! ... Found a letter I wrote to him a year ago, last night, and re read it... I feel the exact same way still, so I think it is definitely time!

 

[Miniv]

Before you do anything, be sure you have your OWN account(s). The money you earn is YOURS. Period. Even if you decide to stay, keep your independence.

If you love him, talk to a counselor. If you're throwing your hands up, talk to a lawyer.

P.S. I'm still married (35 years), but we came close to splitting with me filing....I learned a lot from that.

 

[Merogsrha]

Thank you for the advice! Unfortunately, I do not believe counseling is a possibility. Thankfully, I do have my own account that I use for my paychecks. My mom helps me as far as the budget/bill paying account, and that is all in her name, so no worries there. He has no accounts, except the one he goes through to cash his checks, but that is basically an empty account.

I am hoping we can talk through this like reasonable adults, without it getting nasty... but only time will tell on that one. I feel ready to move on; and he doesnt give any real proof of caring enough to make it work :/

 

[Ashley]

Let me ask you this, have you made a change? You say your husband occasionally tries but after a bit he goes back, have you changed your reaction? Maybe he sees no point if your going to hate him regardless. The fact that he has made attempts even if short shows he has the desire to make a change, however it takes two if your not willing to make any change why should he want to?

Why is counseling not an option? If somebody wants it bad enough they make it happen.

 

[Ashley]

Mind you you say he is worthless but have now mentioned several times he is basically supporting you at this point........no person is perfect everybody has issues and faults but people need to be able to see them in themselves not just others.

 

[Merogsrha]

Thankyou for the different viewpoint!

To answer your first question - Have I made any changes - I have tried to expect less, and I am sure to mention my appreciation of the things he HAS done (such as house work, or the good interactions with me and/or the kids). I have asked him MANY times, if there was anything I was or was not doing, that would make things better or easier for him - his answer is always no. I dont know what I need to change if he doesnt tell me.

Counseling is not an option because he is not willing. That isn't his "scene" so to speak..

As far as him supporting me; I was the SOLE provider for 4+ years. Until he started working last spring, he put nothing financially into the household. It took me giving him the get a job or get out ultimatum before he got off the couch. I was injured in November, and was finally able to return to work this week. Even while I was out of work, he was supporting the household, but I supported myself and my animals. I was the one who took care of the household chores, even while I was on crutches and a leg brace (let me put it this way... the 105 days I was out of work, and after surgery, he did not do a single load of dishes. Not one single load. That is just one example...

I do understand we all have faults, and I have admitted to my own, that I am aware of. I am impatient and have high expectations when it comes to what I think are reasonable father/husband duties... but I have tried to be more patient, and expect less.... but it doesn't get any better overall. When I say he does try, I dont mean on a regular basis... Im talking once every week or so.... not enough of an effort in my opinion... But, I am a very ambitious, hard working, independent, and stubborn person... I could NEVER have the lack of ambition like he does..

 

[Ashley]

Is it possible that the lack of ambition is acting as a cover for a mental health issue?

 

[HGFarm]

I had suggested counseling a couple of times also when things were getting kinda bad for me... he flatly refused every time. He said I could go but he wasnt, after all, I was the one with all the 'issues' over the way things were going. (yes, HE was my issue). When he told me on a serious real heart to heart sit down discussion one day, that he had no goals, no dreams no desire to change or improve things, I knew I was done. He had no feelings about anything, nor did he seem to care about participating in life at all.

You can't put 200% into a relationship when the other person puts in 0% and make it work. I really started to become burnt out and began telling myself also not to expect so much and kept telling myself 'I dont care' in an effort to not get so stressed over carrying the load. Then one morning after our discussion in which he came across as a empty shell, I got up and really realized 'I dont care'. That is when I left. And financially? I have done MUCH better without him and accomplished many things in life I wanted to.

 

[Merogsrha]

Ashley - It is entirely possible... He has always had social "issues", and is very reserved. No way to find out, as he is not willing to visit with a docter... for any reasons... Can't very well force him to go.

Laurie - That is exactly what he says to me when we talk - It is only ME who has an issue with anything... he is "perfectly happy".

We had a calm chat night before last... well I talked at least. Said many of the things I have said here, and repeated things I have told him in the past, in a calm manner.. Acknowledged I know he doesnt like to talk about things, but it had to be done... after my 10 minute speech, he only reply was "Ill try".... I am in a huge inner dilemma with myself... I dont know if that is an acceptable answer anymore... it is the same thing Ive heard for the last year. For now, I am letting things simmer, and see if this "Ill try" turns out any different... while I am doing this, I am saving some of my "own" money, and getting serious with the full time work search.. If things remain the same, I will at least have a better foothold financially when the time comes. I am not going to give this "Ill try" long, before I let him know it just isnt working for me anymore...

 

[Tab]

Can you watch the movie fireproof together? I know one couple whose marriage made extreme improvement after seeing that movie. More touching and nookie is so important. A lot of the time just touching and doing for each other begins the healing and starts to mend the divide. Just saying sorry isn't enough because love means to take action for each other; it is a verb. Also, my heart goes out to you because today the responsibilities weigh so heavily on mom to be wage earner, wife, and mom. To basically do and be everything. I think our marriage would be in rough straits if we both worked outside the home. With school, horses, and home, my schedule is chock full. I never dare say I don't work, when I don't work outside the home. That isn't true. Take time for each other. There must be something if you have seen each other through the last 9 years. We are celebrating 10 years this year and we fight and make up on a regular basis. He's my best friend, and we have been through so much. So have you and your guy. I say fight for it, just like your life depends on it! Rooting for you!

 

[Reignmaker Miniatures]

I'm not going to offer you any advice, as has been said before only you know what is right for you, and I don't want to make things harder for you by making you doubt yourself but I want to share my story because maybe your putting off leaving means something. Maybe your stress isn't really his fault and he is just a target you can see and accept. You have children so you owe it to them and yourself to look at all sides of this before you make a final decision either way I think. So here it is;

I'll start by saying I have been with my husband now for nearly 37 years and I am more in love with him (and love/respect him more)now than when we married. There were many years when the stresses of raising our family and paying the bills drove a wedge between us. Years that lead to a day when we had 'the talk' and agreed we were done with the marriage. For a number of reasons we delayed what we felt was inevitable and gradually as time past and we admitted to ourselves and each other the truth about how we felt (the good stuff too... who knew he thought so highly of how I handled our life's hard parts - he didn't realize I respected his parenting so much- maybe I hadn't realized it either) the anger and outright dislike began to ease. We started to spend some real time together, going on mini dates, a cup of coffee on the deck, a movie shared with out the kids. We found that the people we had been when we became a couple were gone but the people we were still belonged together. We had a history, not all of it good, in fact we let each other down, a lot, but we discovered it was a 2 way street. We both had done our best to 'survive' sometimes that didn't leave a lot left over to offer the other support.

I'm not saying our story will be yours but I want you to know that the man I love so completely again today, the man I am happy to imagine growing very old with, is also the man I actively hated a various points while our children were young.

One other point, someone suggested your husband may be struggling with mental health issues but no has said perhaps you are. With all the stress you have been under perhaps with out realizing it you have slipped into a depression too.

Just some food for thought, what ever you decide I wish you nothing but happiness.