Advice for after divorce

[wcr]

A few things came to mind reading your post. First was you are 43 and didn't think things should be going the way they are. Baloney! When I was in my early 40's I was hit with the realization I was middle aged and somehow should be an old matron. I think this is the age in our development that we start throwing out all the old crap we have been carrying around all our lives and really start to build the life we want to live. Stuff like peer pressure and what will people think kind of stuff. We start to see new possibilities and life becomes better. Mental housecleaning so to speak.

We also don't need the things from a relationship that we needed in our 20's. We have made a life for ourselves and don't need that man to buy the home, have the children, be the provider stuff. Been there, done that. We know how to provide for ourselves, be responsible for ourselves, so having a relationship is more on our terms of what really makes us happy and what we want for our later years. I think we look more for the companionship, laughing, the old slipper comfort kind of feeling. We aren't willing to just "settle" to have a man in our lives. It is also a time to define what you want in a relationship, without the "peer pressure" of what is acceptable. In your 20's it wouldn't be acceptable to date someone 11 years younger but time and maturity evens the playing field.

I am with a man 11 years younger than myself and we laughed about the age difference and the things he was too young to remember. Guess what, it doesn't matter any more. If your man makes you happy, brings to the table the things you want at this time of your life, then go for it. 3 months is a drop in the bucket and way to soon to think about if he is the right one. Enjoy your time now because time sorts it all out in the end. Either he is or isn't the right one but he is here now and it's good. We have a saying that you don't throw gifts back in God's face.

Besides, you are in that very enviable crowd to be in right now. The Cougars!!!!

 

[StarRidgeAcres]

Holy cow! A lot of great advice that I so much appreciate!

God, I've missed being around here.

I do want to clarify something... I am NOT itching to get serious or get married or anything like that. I fully intend to take things slowly and enjoy each day. My reason for posting and asking the questions I did is that since I know I'm not feeling that giddy little girl type of feeling that I used to get when I was dating in college or when I met my husband, I wondered if that was a clue to me that this person wasn't the right one and wasn't going to be the right one down the road. AND if I know NOW he's not the right one do I do us both a favor and end things now? I maybe didn't make it very clear, but that was my real question. What should I be feeling? Does it change when you're 43 versus 23? Is it OK not to feel those butterflies and see rainbows, etc? (ok, honestly, here's how I feel about the butterflies and rainbows

)

So I think what I'm hearing is that for many your needs and your responses to those needs do change as you mature. So maybe the fact that I do really enjoy his company, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel comfortable, we can talk, and we respect each other means it's ok not to feel all those other things but still continue to see him? Is that right? Did I understand correctly? It's not a "waste" of his time or mine. It's OK to just be and not be "going somewhere" or moving a certain direction, right?

When being together is NATURAL and EASY and HAPPY, then THAT is the real thing.When you find that, don't pause to throw doubt into it. Don't think, just let yourselves BE!

Oh the wonderful GOOD feeling I get coming from him when I look at his pic and seeing you together!

My dear, just let it BE. Relax, enjoy. If you ask yourself one question, "Am I happy?" and the answer is yes, then why mess with that?? Don't make me kick you in the shins! LOL

Robin, please don't kick me in the shins! I'm fragile!

I didnt really get the butterfly thing either with my current husband-I feel like the whole butterfly/fireworks thing is the part of our brain that is in love with being in love, not necessarily being in love with the person...clear as mud? Hope you know what I mean.
My advice would be, just enjoy being with him, and let things go where they go. Three months isnt very long to really decide on anything permanent. I think in the future you will have more of a feel on if you want to get more serious with him, or look for someone else. Hope this has been some help!

Parmela, I met my true love when I was 40, so don't let age even come into play. You deserve to be happy at every age. If he makes you happy, treats you right and is respectful of you, then his momma raised him right and that makes him a keeper. Just go with it, have fun, live life and don't sweat the small stuff.

He was raised right! By his grandma who is now in her 80's and is still in charge of the family...and it's a LARGE family!

A few things came to mind reading your post. First was you are 43 and didn't think things should be going the way they are. Baloney! When I was in my early 40's I was hit with the realization I was middle aged and somehow should be an old matron. I think this is the age in our development that we start throwing out all the old crap we have been carrying around all our lives and really start to build the life we want to live. Stuff like peer pressure and what will people think kind of stuff. We start to see new possibilities and life becomes better. Mental housecleaning so to speak.
We also don't need the things from a relationship that we needed in our 20's. We have made a life for ourselves and don't need that man to buy the home, have the children, be the provider stuff. Been there, done that. We know how to provide for ourselves, be responsible for ourselves, so having a relationship is more on our terms of what really makes us happy and what we want for our later years. I think we look more for the companionship, laughing, the old slipper comfort kind of feeling. We aren't willing to just "settle" to have a man in our lives. It is also a time to define what you want in a relationship, without the "peer pressure" of what is acceptable. In your 20's it wouldn't be acceptable to date someone 11 years younger but time and maturity evens the playing field.

I am with a man 11 years younger than myself and we laughed about the age difference and the things he was too young to remember. Guess what, it doesn't matter any more. If your man makes you happy, brings to the table the things you want at this time of your life, then go for it. 3 months is a drop in the bucket and way to soon to think about if he is the right one. Enjoy your time now because time sorts it all out in the end. Either he is or isn't the right one but he is here now and it's good. We have a saying that you don't throw gifts back in God's face.

Besides, you are in that very enviable crowd to be in right now. The Cougars!!!!

My friends, and his, do enjoy teasing me about my age. Oh well. It could be worse...much worse!

Thanks again for all of the advice and supportive comments!!

 

[CKC]

I think being a best friend is the most important...... my husband is my best friend.

I say let the relationship take it's course. Enjoy it! Sounds like you both are very good together and are happy!

Before I started dating my husband these were the things I looked for in a guy/future husband. I made the list because I dated some real winners throughout the years...... Figured NO ONE would fit my high standards.. .LOL

1) Must like horses(pretty much all animals), but mainly horses as I had a couple when we met and I rode ALL of my free time.

2) Must be able to cook(he's an AMAZING COOK)

3) Must share in house chores

4) Must be a handy man

I know sounds crazy right... well, my husband was raised by his grandmother and she taught him how to take care of himself. ( I just went back and saw you posted Robert was raised by his grandmother!

) He's a wonderful husband/father/man......For years we worked together in two seperate parts of the building. I spent many evenings after work listening to him talk about the girls he was dating and I thought he was cute, but it took time becoming his friend before we dated. I had pretty much decided before I met him that I wasn't going to look anymore. Seems that's how it works... when you least expect it.

We have been married almost 12 years. We have two sons and they will be raised the same way!

Kim

 

[Taylor Jo]

Parmela, I hear what your asking. My husband and I were 13 years difference. He was older and it didn't matter. It WOULD have mattered when I was younger but I married him when I was 48 and it didn't seem to matter when I met him. Age just had no meaning what had meaning was how he treated me and he treated me like an officer and a gentlemen as he was a retired Marine. So that's what's important.

As far as the butterflies, I agree with the person that's what goes on in your head, NOT your heart. When I first met my husband I was SUPER cautious and in the past I'd threw that ALL to the wind and got myself in trouble and just let my feelings control me. Not so with my husband. I never got the butterflies till we got serious and then when he asked me to marry him and took me to buy my engagement ring I got giddy. BUT, more then anything he was my friend and with friends you don't get butterflies you do what your doing you ? it and use your head because your being smart.

However, I'm like the others. I say just enjoy it, it's a learning time. Your learning about each other, likes, dislikes getting comfortable, becoming better friends, your BUILDING a foundation for a possible future and if not maybe just a good friendship. You'll know when to go further or when to end it. Just listen to your feelings, but relax in the meantime.

He seems comfortable with it so let it be, have fun. My mother used to say; "you'll know you have found the right one when you find one that fits like an OLD pair of shoes." I knew when I found my husband he felt like an old pair of shoes. Good luck to you and keep us posted.

Also, give him space with the horses. He'll come around if you don't push and he'll enjoy it more when he learns on his own if he's truly interested and follows your lead. IF it's TRULY meant to be it will just come together. Sounds like to me he does like the horses. My husband had never been around the horses and he was my LIFE LINE, I miss him soooo much cause he loved them so much and helped me without question EVERY DAY and EVERY NIGHT and EVERY SHOW. So see you might just have the right guy.

TJ

 

[cindydog12]

I just read your post, and thought I would let you know I got divorced after 28 years of marriage to my high school sweetheart. It was devestating at the time, but in the end was the best thing for both of us. I said "never again" when that was all done and said. Then the following year I went to my 30th high school reunion and met the love of my life...that was almost 10 years ago.

The one piece of advice I can give anyone is "one day at a time" that is all any of us have, and enjoy it to it's fullest