Bullying problem-long need advice

[wade3504]

OK, this all started last week as they walked home from school. A boy who my 10 year old daughter knows and lives in our apartment complex spit on her multiple times on the way home from school. I got a call from her on her cell with her telling me that a boy was bothering her to please come get her. I dropped everything and ran to my car. I get to where she is at and there are two boys standing with her along with my son. She gets in and I ask where is the boy who did it? She tells me as she's closing the door that it's not either of them that the boy ran. I asked what his name was and where did he go as we start driving. She proceeds tell me that it was one of the boys that she had been standing with afraid to walk away as they tried to convince her not to tell because he would get kicked out of school. Well, she's in safety patrol and knew that she should tell so she did. They got called into the office at school and of course the boy said that nothing would happen after that, he was sorry , etc. etc. It also came out that he grabbed her breast and twisted as well. He admitted to having done this. Then yesterday my daughter and son go outside. I can see the playground from our apartment and didn't realize they were out there. They threw pizza crust at her rocks, and shells, called her names that I can't type here, and the one who started it all (the ones doing the current actions are his besst friends) said he wished the rocks had hit her as one of them chases her as she comes running to the apartment for me. I spoke to one as I sat outside waiting for him to come back for his bike that he had forgotten when he ran and the other ones mother we know where he lives but she is never home. He is watched by mom's "friend" or has to stay with another friend in the complex who has no better supervision than he does. I've come to learn that I don't want to live in a big city (Palm Beach, FL) and that even though apartments may look really nice and we live in a gated community that really says nothing-I kind of knew that before but I am ever the optomist. We made sure we moved into a decent neighborhood when we moved here or so we thought.

So, my problem is that the situation is escalating. I plan on being outside with her and my son when they go out to play and walk the dogs. The mother of the main boy doesn't care, the other second in command apologizes then turns around and does something again. The school has now washed their hands of it as it is now happening at home. They tried to assure us that nothing would happen again and that if anything happened even at home to let them know. Well, that was useless as they are doing nothing now. This boy waits for her to get done with safety patrol after school, but was shocked when he saw me waiting for her to walk home with her and my son. I am now picking them up or their grandmother is. Today he skipped school with his best bud here in the apartment complex and they were waiting on the wall to the opening of the apartment complex after school and checked to make sure she was inside my mother in laws car as she drove by then walked away. My mother in law goes and finds them and talks to them and she thinks its going to end now. We've already done this. Now I don't know what to do and I am looking for opinions or other experiences and what you have done. I considered putting her in another school but she has a trip to Washington in January for Safelty patrol and this is her last year in this school. So that would be a punishment to her. I've considered keeping them in but again punishment to her. If he gets kicked out of school it doesn't matter as I can see his apartment. Our lease is not up until October of 2011. Plus now my daughter is learning that if she says something nothing good comes of it and only bad things happen so I am worried that later on in life something even worse will happen and she won't say anything. I am at a loss besides sticking with her at all times and then they'll make fun of her for that. Any ideas would be appreciated.

Amanda

 

[cretahillsgal]

If she were my daughter, I would be calling the police. Sure, they are kids, but you need to report it to somebody. Think what this boy will be doing to girls when he gets older if he is not stopped.

 

[Watcheye]

Yep Police was my thought.

 

[wade3504]

I have considered that as well but wasn't sure what they'd do about ten year olds. I'm thinking they'll go to the parents who don't care and it will continue. I am logging everything though and with the first incident two crossing guards were involved as a truck pulled over to tell them what was happening. I've just looked up harassment and even though it was for adults he fits the bill. I am worried about what will happen if we continue to say something and he continues to act upon it.

 

[REO]

Call the police! It doesn't matter what their age is. Nowadays, kids as young as 9 go to schools with guns and shoot people. Police take young kids seriously now. These kids are headed that way unless they're stopped NOW! If they think they can get away with it, it'll get worse & worse.

And the cops will then have it on file. This NEEDS to be done.

It's not going to stop. In fact, now that you're protecting her (GOOD FOR YOU!!) if they ever catch her alone.......... because they'll want to catch up for lost time.

Doing what they're doing isn't just bullying, it's assult.

Please report it to the police!

 

[Bess Kelly]

CALL THE POLICE!!! Get a restraining order, also. Do not let this escalate. He needs to go to juvie. His parents need to go, too

 

[~Lisa~]

I think you need to be prepared to get some sort of evidence if you are going to call the police maybe video them or something?

MOst of it I think they will say is just school yard stuff they might talk to the boys but not sure that will stop them

HOWEVER...the fact that he grabbed her breast is a whole different story and that is something I would go to the police and file a report about. They might not be able to do anything but it is not normal behavior for a 10 yr old and at least there will be some record of his behavior.

 

[FoRebel]

CALL THE POLICE! The fact that they grabbed her breast is sexual assault! Make a report and also makes sure to include all the assaults against her before too! This needs to stop and I really think the only way is to have charges brought against the boys.

P.S. All you will need to make the report is your statement and your daughter's statement. If your son has seen any of this he will need to make a statement also!

 

[Marty]

BUILD A BRIDGE.

I have a little different take on this having dealt with some little characters in my time. How do you think I helped keep my Floridian boys from getting their teeth knocked out up here from a bunch of wild hillbilly kids when they were little? If you threaten, fight them, avoid them, they win so you need to face it head on and calmly as much as you want to knock their heads together, be calm. Pure and simple, you need to friend them, especially the one you think is the leader, go after him first and the hardest. I would attempt to friend these boys and talk to them about what they have been up to. Go to where they are playing around and invite them to have a sit and for the love pete, bring a plate of brownies. Yes I do mean bring brownies or a couple of bags of chips and have them all sit down together with your kids and talk with them while they have their mouths full. Do not try to be "proper". Relax. Talk to them in language they understand.... You need to find your middle-ground of knowing how to talk to them being nice, but also at the same time being firm so they will respect you. This is a ruff example of the conversation I'd be having with them to bring them over to our side: "Hey guys, I know you can be awesome, but what the heck is going on? You guys know that what you did was totally uncool and could have gotten you in a lot of trouble. You know there is nothing cool about being a bad "axe" and you need to chill and be the good guys we know you can be. And let there be no mistake if you mess up again, I'm not going to put up with any of it and you will go down." Now, be sure to LISTEN to them and whatever you do, do not engage. Just listen. If they use bad language do not acted shocked, just say "Hey Man, don't use that kind of mouth like that when you are speaking with me, ok?" Remember these are little kids too who apparently have little to no guidance. Encourage them to play together while you sit there and watch. Actually when in this situation with my boys I encouraged them all to form a neighborhood "club" where they would hold meetings up at the fishing pond and come up with stuff to do. Try it.

 

[SampleMM]

Have you talked with anyone on the school board? I had a bad bullying situation going on with the bus driver of all people.

I tried to stop it by going to the school principal and I called the bus co. owner several times but it seemed to go nowhere. So, guess what happened........I ended up having to drive my kids an hour a day just to get them to and from school. This year, I had the kids ride one time, and that lovely bus driver started with his harassment but this time I got a member of the school board involved. Within 48 hours my kids were placed on another bus and this idiot had to apologize if he wanted to keep his job. He taunted my son about being overweight and called him terrible names. I hate bullies and I'm sorry but I could never sit down with these kids. These are the type of kids who lead other kids to be suicidal. It has happened right at our local school and we are in smalltown, USA. I would get the school board, apartment manager and the police involved ASAP.

 

[Minimor]

I would call the police & make a complaint. At least tell them what has been going on (the spitting as well as everything else. It might be helpful if you have a list of dates when things happened--if you are documenting everything, that is good. Tell them about this & see if they can do anything, or if they need something more--a witness, a video.

Spitting on someone, particularly in the face, is often considered to be assault--at least it is when adults are involved.

 

[sfmini]

I would think their parents could be held accountable at the least if you go to the police. I agree with others, while I like Marty's thoughts, these are really bad times, and the sexual assault part is beyond bullying. I would also get the school board involved since the teachers and principal don't seem to take this seriously.

I am seeing too much crap in the news these days about these poor kids getting bullied and killing themselves because they see no way out.

Is another school an option after she goes on her trip?

I am not a parent, but I would love to get a hold on those little jerks. I don't think it is up to you to try to fix another parent's shortcomings, the parents, school authorities, and police should be handling that.

Let us know how things turn out.

 

[Sonya]

I am not a parent either but just wanted to say I'm sorry this is happening. I agree, get the police involved, this is not bullying, this is assault and harasement.

 

[Ashley]

I would say the police and the landlord. Let him/her know whats going on. They may or may not let you out of your lease, but they may do something about the other kid so they dont get more complaints from other families.

 

[minih]

I hate bullies and I'm sorry but I could never sit down with these kids. These are the type of kids who lead other kids to be suicidal. It has happened right at our local school and we are in smalltown, USA. I would get the school board, apartment manager and the police involved ASAP.

My thoughts exactly, only I also bolded the last part! Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[Sue_C.]

Sorry Marty, I generally agree with what you have to say...but in this case, nope, just cannot. These boys have assaulted and harassed this girl. They have grabbed her breast...and twisted it, with intent to do harm...they have spit in her face. How do you think she would feel if her parents started making friends with these boys?? Imagine what it would do to her self-esteem to have to "be nice" to these boys? She is 10 years old...this kind of crap will follow her for the rest of her life...and IMO, to befriend these kids will give her the signal (and them too, I am thinking) that this is the norm, and is acceptable behavior. No da@#%& way I say...call the police, and have THEM knock on their doors and give them a talking to. We read in the papers of boys raping little girls...and some of them haven't been more than a year or two older than these boys...

 

[REO]

Thank you Sue C for saying exactly what I wanted to say. You wrote it perfectly.

Living in fear is no way to live.

 

[wade3504]

Ok, here is what is going on. Nothing else has happened between them since I posted this. My husband is not ready to go to the police. Since his mother talked to the boys he wants to wait and see if it stops. I don't agree but I am step mom so I must wait and keep the documentation handy. If she goes out tomorrow I will be watching through the lense of a video camera. Supposedly he is mad because Becca is not his friend-this is what he told my mother in law. Well, duh, harass me and I won't be your friend either. He of course says it will stop now and my mother in law believes him. He has said this already. I have everything documented. I am keeping a close eye on her but I worry about when she is alone at school. I will keep everyone informed and thank you all for your advice. I too want to go to the police.

 

[hobbyhorse23]

I agree with others, while I like Marty's thoughts, these are really bad times, and the sexual assault part is beyond bullying. I would also get the school board involved since the teachers and principal don't seem to take this seriously. I am seeing too much crap in the news these days about these poor kids getting bullied and killing themselves because they see no way out.

Sorry Marty, I generally agree with what you have to say...but in this case, nope, just cannot. These boys have assaulted and harassed this girl. They have grabbed her breast...and twisted it, with intent to do harm...they have spit in her face. ... We read in the papers of boys raping little girls...and some of them haven't been more than a year or two older than these boys...

Honestly, I've got to agree with Marty to some extent. You cannot legislate away this kind of behavior. It doesn't work with adults and it doesn't work with kids! How many of us got bras snapped, pigtails dipped in inkwells (for some of you older gals

) and got called nasty names because we were too skinny, too fat, too flat or too round? Calling in the principal never helped. Neither did having our parents talk to their parents. All that does is teach them to be smarter and sneakier about the harassment so the adults don't catch them at it. What WORKS is making them see that the person they are harassing is human just like they are, and hurts just like they do. I know so many people who bullied me as a child who have come to me via FB or other venues as adults and let me know that they feel shame for what they did as kids. They were taking out their own pain on me because they didn't know any other way to deal with it.

What these boys are doing is WRONG. I'm not questioning that. But they will be hard-pressed to keep it up if they are forced to see your daughter as a person in her own right and not an object, an "other." If she can look the ringleader in the eye and say "What you did hurt my feelings. I've never done anything to hurt you and I don't deserve to be treated this way. Why are you being so mean?" I'll lay you odds that he won't be able to look her in the eye and the behavior will stop. They might even find out they have something in common and become friends. (Don't give me that look, it DOES happen.

I fought and scrapped for years with a girl I couldn't stand, probably bullied her a bit myself just like she did to me, and eventually to our mutual horror we found ourselves talking and beginning to realize the other person wasn't so bad after all. Neither one of us wanted to like the other but it just sort of happened!) Once the ringleader stops, so will his friends who are defending/supporting him.

Believe me, I know about wanting to commit suicide because of bullying. I came home in tears more days than I can remember and passionately hated going to school because of my peers. For me the answer was to become friends with my bus driver so I could sit behind her where the bullies didn't dare do anything, befriend my teacher so she would watch out for me, and I had a couple of close girlfriends who kept me sane and defended me (as I did them) on the playground. We fought with words because we were too small to fight back physically and sometimes...it even helped. I still wanted to drop out and be home-schooled!

Sometimes schools have peer mediation groups too, which can be an interesting way to get the two kids to sit down together and talk it out.

I think juvenile crimes should absolutely be taken seriously but so many times using "the system" to punish young toughs acting out of fear and loneliness only creates enraged, alienated adults who do even worse things. IMO, the only way to meet such behavior is with poise, compassion and firm boundaries. They need to be taught emotional intelligence.

Leia

 

[Ashley]

well, at least you care about her cause apparently her father doesnt. Being a guy he wouldnt know what its like to be subject to harassment and the damage it will do to her, damage that cant be fixed.