Do I have "grounds" to be upset with hubby?

[miniwhinny]

Let him go and be happy for him. He'll love you for it.

You have your horse and horse shows - he has his video games and expo's (and he's actually only paying $60 a night - I presume they're splitting the bill)

If you start your life together having to count every penny you spend compared to what he spends so it equals - you're going to have problems.

If he were doing this every month it would be different but I get the impression that this is a one time big deal trip.

Let him go and have fun. The time to hold strong would be if he started doing this more often, really taking away from his family JMO.

When he comes back ask him all about it and did he have fun etc. If you let him see you really care about his happiness - it will build your bond of love way more than if you make him feel that you resent him going. Like others have said...marriage and relationships are all about knowing which fights to pick and which to let go

 

[Mominis]

i'm assuming that the friend is splitting the cost 50/50 so that would be $60/night for your hubby. that's about average for a decent motel.

not to play devil's advocate here because i do think your hubby is going overboard considering the fact that you have to pinch pennies but let me just say this...while you are justifiably upset at this point, this is pretty small in the long term scheme of things. your hubby is spending more than he should and leaving you and a baby at home BUT, you know when all is said and done, he will be coming home to you. i would cut off my right arm if i could get up tomorrow morning and know that my hubby is coming home to me. instead, i visit his grave. take a step back, think about all you DO have. there will be bumps in the road for you during your marriage, some big, some not so big but in the end, you will have each other.

Wow, talk about putting things into perspective.

 

[SampleMM]

One other thing to think about.....................

Treat your husband the way you want to be treated. How would you feel if every time you wanted to go to a horse show your husband flipped out and demand you not spend the money?

He has been allowing you to have a luxury everyday and that's your horse. He could turn this around and start nagging you everyday about the horse costing too much. So, if you decide to pull the plug on his trip it could come back to bite you. Of course, these are just my opinions and I'm truly just trying to help. Things like this seem very insignificant after several years of marriage..........trust me.

 

[Pepipony]

This story is mine, only I have now been married for 22 years. I went along to get along and now its to the point of him having EVERYTHING he wants, and I do mean everything. To me not having a bedroom set and very little else. People are stunned when they walk into the house, after being in his shop. Guess my point is, put your foot down. Dont worry about being 'the nagging wife' lord knows I wish I had become one a decade back. If you allow this brat to do this to you now , and he is being a brat if he didnt think to pass this by his WIFE , it will get worse. Marriage is a compromise, but its not for the wife to soley compromise. What is HE willing to give up so that you can have more? You may forgive him now and allow him to go. And you may forgive the next time he does this same thing. But, a few years, or maybe longer, down the road the resentment will creep in and that is not the way to go. Hope you can come to a compromise that suits you BOTH evenly.

 

[miniwhinny]

This story is mine, only I have now been married for 22 years. I went along to get along and now its to the point of him having EVERYTHING he wants, and I do mean everything. To me not having a bedroom set and very little else. People are stunned when they walk into the house, after being in his shop. Guess my point is, put your foot down. Dont worry about being 'the nagging wife' lord knows I wish I had become one a decade back. If you allow this brat to do this to you now , and he is being a brat if he didnt think to pass this by his WIFE , it will get worse. Marriage is a compromise, but its not for the wife to soley compromise. What is HE willing to give up so that you can have more? You may forgive him now and allow him to go. And you may forgive the next time he does this same thing. But, a few years, or maybe longer, down the road the resentment will creep in and that is not the way to go. Hope you can come to a compromise that suits you BOTH evenly.

There's a big difference between being in an abusive relationship and a non abusive one. I gave my advice presuming it was a "normal" relationship where both husband and wife are treated equally. Pepipony, I'm so sorry you have lived this way

 

[susanne]

I think it's great that you each have and respect one another's individual interests.

Keith and I always say we're each other's enablers, whether it be horses, music, books, gardening, movies, or whatever. BUT -- we are not wealthy and have to budget carefully.

How about calculating what you spend on your horse, then use that as a base for his interests. Not that you need to nickle and dime it, but if you are taking a chunk out for your interests, shouldn't an equivalent amount go for his?

If he knows that he has $XXX to spend per month on his hobby, he'll see that he may need to find a cheaper hotel, stay fewer days, or cut down those monthly purchases for awhile. Having an agreed upon figure is much easier than not having a target.

Don't say no -- just agree to a rough budget that is fair to both of you.

My guess is that, with your new trailer, you're a bit ahead in the expenses connected to your hobby...

 

[StarRidgeAcres]

I won't presume to know what you should or shouldn't be upset about or what your specific situation is, but my initial reaction is that unless he does this all the time and you guys don't have enough money to provide food and neccessities for your baby, it's probably not worth even mentioning. As others have mentioned, you have the horse bug and even one or two minis can really add up cost wise. I was with my ex-husband for 20 years. For the last 10 years I was the only one who worked outside of the home. When he mentioned the cost of a horse or show, etc., I would bristle as what ran through my mind was "it's MY money!" Trust me, that's NO way to live or think. I never should have let money get to me like that. It's not worth it. As Charlene pointed out, you have your husband and you make a beautiful family.

Maybe it's time for both of you to participate in putting together a budget...but NOT before this trip. Let him go. I know it seems silly - a gaming convention, but it's his thing. My boyfriend Robert is 12 years younger than me and he is "into" gaming. He's going to a week-long convention in August. It's SO not my thing. So, you know what? I'm going to head to the Central Championship show that same weekend! He can do his thing and I can do mine!

 

[mydaddysjag]

Well, I took some time to think it through, and Ive calmed down a bit. I think it was the way it was presented to me that had me so upset. Im not upset he's going, because I could use a mini vacation from him lol. What upset me was that after I got home from work at 2:00am he dropped the bomb on me that "I booked the hotel for the trip, I decided were staying a couple extra days and instead of staying at motel 6 were staying at the Wyndham". Then he told me that his hotel didn't have refrigerators or microwaves in the rooms, and you have to pay $29 a day to park. They also didn't check about any discounts.

I looked around a bit online and was able to book the same hotel cheaper for them with a discount, and I called and found out that upon request they can have a mini fridge and microwave. I got it set up so they have that in their room, because it costs about $25 per person a day to eat at the convention center. I talked to him and explained that if he wanted to have any money to spend on stuff at the convention, we really couldn't afford eating out every day, so they are going to get lunch meat, bread, hot pockets, and a case of water from walmart when they get down there, and eat that. The hotel charges $7.50 person/a day for a continental breakfast

Unfortunately the parking is going to be the $29 though, no discounts.

The other thing that bothered me is instead of saving a certain amount each week, he wanted to take the money out of my sons savings account I set up for him at the credit union. I think that's where my RAGE came from. This was money he was given as birth gifts, and Christmas gifts, and I have it in a separate account because It is HIS for his first car, college, etc. Im a very over protective momma, so I wasn't allowing him to take from my son to fund his own vacation. I explained to him that is Colts money, and if he wanted to go on the trip, he had to save his own money, and if he was short, he would need to trade some games that he doesn't play at gamestop for cash.

He does "put his foot down" about a lot of my horse showing. Im not allowed to show at two day shows, Im not allowed to show more than 2 hours away, im not allowed to show in more that 3 classes, and Im only allowed to show a certain amount of times a year, usually 2 or 3, (or in the case of last year, not at all)

I did tell him that if hes going on vacation alone this year, that We are going on a family vacation next year.

 

[Molly's Run Minis]

Well, I took some time to think it through, and Ive calmed down a bit. I think it was the way it was presented to me that had me so upset. Im not upset he's going, because I could use a mini vacation from him lol. What upset me was that after I got home from work at 2:00am he dropped the bomb on me that "I booked the hotel for the trip, I decided were staying a couple extra days and instead of staying at motel 6 were staying at the Wyndham". Then he told me that his hotel didn't have refrigerators or microwaves in the rooms, and you have to pay $29 a day to park. They also didn't check about any discounts.

I looked around a bit online and was able to book the same hotel cheaper for them with a discount, and I called and found out that upon request they can have a mini fridge and microwave. I got it set up so they have that in their room, because it costs about $25 per person a day to eat at the convention center. I talked to him and explained that if he wanted to have any money to spend on stuff at the convention, we really couldn't afford eating out every day, so they are going to get lunch meat, bread, hot pockets, and a case of water from walmart when they get down there, and eat that. The hotel charges $7.50 person/a day for a continental breakfast

Unfortunately the parking is going to be the $29 though, no discounts.

The other thing that bothered me is instead of saving a certain amount each week, he wanted to take the money out of my sons savings account I set up for him at the credit union. I think that's where my RAGE came from. This was money he was given as birth gifts, and Christmas gifts, and I have it in a separate account because It is HIS for his first car, college, etc. Im a very over protective momma, so I wasn't allowing him to take from my son to fund his own vacation. I explained to him that is Colts money, and if he wanted to go on the trip, he had to save his own money, and if he was short, he would need to trade some games that he doesn't play at gamestop for cash.

He does "put his foot down" about a lot of my horse showing. Im not allowed to show at two day shows, Im not allowed to show more than 2 hours away, im not allowed to show in more that 3 classes, and Im only allowed to show a certain amount of times a year, usually 2 or 3, (or in the case of last year, not at all)

I did tell him that if hes going on vacation alone this year, that We are going on a family vacation next year.

i know that i'm not married or anything, and its not my place to post but....

i would have tore into him if he even thought about getting into your kids funds. basicly, if it was up to me he would be sleeping on the LAWN if he even considered that would be acceptable.

i also dont understand why HE can go to a convention for longer than a day, but YOU cant show at a 2 day show or travel for longer than 2 hours, or show in more than 3 classes. isnt that YOUR decision? in my opinion, if you, personally, can afford it and want to do it than its none of his bussiness and you have plenty of right to be upset! and ''allowed'? are you his wife or his child????

my stepdad travels alot for bussiness, sometimes to go see horsepulls for fun, and my mom isnt afraid to tell him when he's spending too much. Does he throw the fact that we have minis in her face because she tells him "no"? you bet your best horse he doesnt! cause he would be sleeping on the couch when he got back! sometimes, the minis are the only thing that keeps me sane and he knows better than to complain about them. i hope his friend is splitting the bill with him, if not i would be so livid.

 

[StarRidgeAcres]

Well, I took some time to think it through, and Ive calmed down a bit. I think it was the way it was presented to me that had me so upset. Im not upset he's going, because I could use a mini vacation from him lol. What upset me was that after I got home from work at 2:00am he dropped the bomb on me that "I booked the hotel for the trip, I decided were staying a couple extra days and instead of staying at motel 6 were staying at the Wyndham". Then he told me that his hotel didn't have refrigerators or microwaves in the rooms, and you have to pay $29 a day to park. They also didn't check about any discounts.

I looked around a bit online and was able to book the same hotel cheaper for them with a discount, and I called and found out that upon request they can have a mini fridge and microwave. I got it set up so they have that in their room, because it costs about $25 per person a day to eat at the convention center. I talked to him and explained that if he wanted to have any money to spend on stuff at the convention, we really couldn't afford eating out every day, so they are going to get lunch meat, bread, hot pockets, and a case of water from walmart when they get down there, and eat that. The hotel charges $7.50 person/a day for a continental breakfast

Unfortunately the parking is going to be the $29 though, no discounts.

The other thing that bothered me is instead of saving a certain amount each week, he wanted to take the money out of my sons savings account I set up for him at the credit union. I think that's where my RAGE came from. This was money he was given as birth gifts, and Christmas gifts, and I have it in a separate account because It is HIS for his first car, college, etc. Im a very over protective momma, so I wasn't allowing him to take from my son to fund his own vacation. I explained to him that is Colts money, and if he wanted to go on the trip, he had to save his own money, and if he was short, he would need to trade some games that he doesn't play at gamestop for cash.

He does "put his foot down" about a lot of my horse showing. Im not allowed to show at two day shows, Im not allowed to show more than 2 hours away, im not allowed to show in more that 3 classes, and Im only allowed to show a certain amount of times a year, usually 2 or 3, (or in the case of last year, not at all)

I did tell him that if hes going on vacation alone this year, that We are going on a family vacation next year.

I think you handled it well all around. Good for you for getting the discounts and the extras. And now you can look forward to planning next years family vacation!

 

[susanne]

I would still suggest that, in the future, you each have a set, affordable amount in separate accounts that each can spend as you chooses, instead of asking permission for everything.

That way, so long as you stay within your budget, youchoose where it goes. You might choose to go to one three-day show instead of three one-day shows. He may decide to go all out for one night at a nice hotel.

Just because you're married doesn't mean you give up all free choice.

However, I completely agree -- NO raiding your son's account for any hobby -- and you should add to his account just as frequently as you add to your personal accounts.

 

[Minimor]

From your last post I would say you've handled it well.

The other thing that bothered me is instead of saving a certain amount each week, he wanted to take the money out of my sons savings account I set up for him at the credit union. I think that's where my RAGE came from. This was money he was given as birth gifts, and Christmas gifts, and I have it in a separate account because It is HIS for his first car, college, etc. Im a very over protective momma, so I wasn't allowing him to take from my son to fund his own vacation. I explained to him that is Colts money, and if he wanted to go on the trip, he had to save his own money, and if he was short, he would need to trade some games that he doesn't play at gamestop for cash.

Absolutely--he should not even have thought of borrowing the money out of your son's account. It's much too easy to borrow, but then often not so easy to put the money back afterward.

Considering that your new horse trailer was purchased, at least in part, with money you had from selling your old horse trailer, it's reasonable for him to sell some unused games in order to get money for this fun weekend he wants.

Having Minis does add up, but since you have just one mini and are working at the barn to offset the cost of his board, the $35/mo. your horse is costing you is not a lot of out of pocket expense.

He does "put his foot down" about a lot of my horse showing. Im not allowed to show at two day shows, Im not allowed to show more than 2 hours away, im not allowed to show in more that 3 classes, and Im only allowed to show a certain amount of times a year, usually 2 or 3, (or in the case of last year, not at all)I did tell him that if hes going on vacation alone this year, that We are going on a family vacation next year.

Others have said here that if you protest about this weekend of his it would be fair for him to turn around and protest about the money spent on your horse. However, quite obviously he has already put limits on what your hobby can set you back money-wise, so you are justified in setting limits as to what he can spend on his weekend fun.

 

[miniwhinny]

I think you've shed a different light on things with your recent addition of information.

Using your sons money - OMG no wonder that pushed your launch buttons! Like everyone has said, NO WAY! What does send off warning signals to me is that fact that he thinks this is a totally okay thing to do!!!!!!

And,

"You're NOT ALLOWED". OMG, now my launch buttons are flashing lol. You need to seriously think about what you're doing in a marriage where another human being thinks he can "allow" you or "not allow" you to do anything !!!! If I were with a man who told me I wasn't allowed to do anything ...he'd know where the door was pretty darn fast lol.

So, after the addition of this new information, I withdraw my earlier advice lol - I'd be telling him that if he hasn't saved enough to go without stealing from your son, then he'd better think again about going lol.

 

[REO]

This isn't his only expense with the video games, he plays an online game that is $30 a month, as well as buying 1-2 $60 games for his playstation 3 each month, and paying for downloads on the ps3.

She works off some of her board bill and only pays $35 a month and she sells her stuff to be able to show. And he spends plenty each month for his games.

I've been married for 24 years without any fighting. We TALK and I let him know if something upsets me. I don't see why a wife should keep things to herself and just take it to keep the peace. There are two in a marriage and they must be able to each say how they feel and work things through. I know how many of you feel, but I don't blame her for feeling resentful. He DOES get plenty. He spends a lot of money each month on his games, not to mention how many hours a day gaming instead of family time with his wife and son. I don't feel you are out of line for wanting some time together as a family doing something fun. It isn't just up to just the wife to sacrifice. Marriage is COMPROMISE and communication.

If I had to bottle up and hold in things that bother me, I'd explode! So I wait til I'm calm then tell him how something made me feel. We talk it out.

It isn't that this was something he gave things up for & saved up for that she is being a big meany about. This is something that he sprang on her, TOLD her. And it's costing money that is taking away from the family.

YES everyone deserves something fun for themselves!

But there should be an agreed upon budget for both spouses. No nasty surprises.

 

[hobbyhorse23]

you bet your best horse he doesnt!

Using your sons money - OMG no wonder that pushed your launch buttons!

I've learned two great new phrases today!

"You're NOT ALLOWED". OMG, now my launch buttons are flashing lol. You need to seriously think about what you're doing in a marriage where another human being thinks he can "allow" you or "not allow" you to do anything !!!! If I were with a man who told me I wasn't allowed to do anything ...he'd know where the door was pretty darn fast lol.

Ditto.

You can request that the other person not do something, and if they respect you there should be a reasonable expectation that they will not do it. You can explain how it would make you feel and have a right to point out that if they get to do xyz, so do you the next time and do they really want to do that? But no partner of mine is going to tell me I'm "not allowed" to do something like they have that right!

They are my equal, not my parent! Even my parents always explained the reasons behind their rules and I knew they were for my own good.

Leia

 

[weebiscuit]

Ok, I assumed that this expo was a one or two day thing, and they were staying overnight 1 night at a hotel. Last night when I got home from work Hubby tells me that he and his buddy booked the hotel in hubbys name. Then I find out, its actually 4 days long in Baltimore Maryland, and they booked a hotel that is $120 a night.

As I was reading your post I glanced over at my husband who is snoring on the couch, and after 40 years of marriage I think if he told me he was going on a four day long trip I'd say, "Here, honey! I have some extra money in my checkbook! I'll give it to you and PLEASE take a whole week and have fun!" LOL!

But, that's just the difference in being married a few years and being married 40. We've both been retired for 15 years and we're together 24/7 and I SO love my time alone when he goes off hunting!

So, wouldn't the $120 hotel room be split two ways, so it's only costing him $60 a night?

I can really see your point, and I guess what bothers me a bit is that he WANTS to leave you and your child when you obviously haven't been married all that long, and if he knows money is tight then I do think he is acting a bit immaturely.

I have to ask... does he spend most of his free time at home playing video games, or does he interact with you and your son and spend quality time with the both of you? Does he go grocery shopping with you? Do you have friends in common you do things with as couples? Does he pitch in cleaning the house? Does he watch your son so you can get things done?

You see, to me, if all those other things are "right" then I guess that getting away one time with a friend isn't all that bad of a thing. But if the other things aren't "right" then this isn't either.

 

[weebiscuit]

Sorry... double post!

 

[mydaddysjag]

Im all for getting a breather from him for a few days, we are a 1 car family, so anytime I go anywhere, Im usually with him. I did put my foot down that he's not taking my car for 4 days and leaving me home with a baby and no vehicle. He doesnt have his "own" car, he blew the motor up in his car he had when we met, then before we got married I had a good job and lent him money for another car, which he over heated last winter and messed up the motor in that one too. Im not buying him another car, but he sure is beating the crap out of mine. He wasn't thrilled, but I told him he can catch a ride with his friend, and split the gas. I need the car for work and in case of an emergency. I'm going to have to hire a baby sitter to watch my son while im at work the days he's gone, so I need the car to take my son to the sitter.

His free time at home is spent playing video games. His idea of quality time with our son is playing video games while he is sitting on his lap. I do all of our grocery shopping, he goes out with his friends alone, Im never invited. My friends who are couple do come to hang out, or we go out with them occasionally. He even goes out with my friends boyfriend a couple times a month. He doesn't clean the house, he wont even put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket. He does watch my son while I go to work, I work night shift so I get the baby to bed, and he's there to watch him while he sleeps, or if he would wake up through the night.

 

[SweetOpal]

Been married 17 years, feels like eternity...LOL...trust me when I say, there will come a day when you will pray he wants to go on a trip and you wont care what it cost! You are still newlyweds and it is normal to have some resentment....

 

[weebiscuit]

Im all for getting a breather from him for a few days, we are a 1 car family, so anytime I go anywhere, Im usually with him. I did put my foot down that he's not taking my car for 4 days and leaving me home with a baby and no vehicle. He doesnt have his "own" car, he blew the motor up in his car he had when we met, then before we got married I had a good job and lent him money for another car, which he over heated last winter and messed up the motor in that one too. Im not buying him another car, but he sure is beating the crap out of mine. He wasn't thrilled, but I told him he can catch a ride with his friend, and split the gas. I need the car for work and in case of an emergency. I'm going to have to hire a baby sitter to watch my son while im at work the days he's gone, so I need the car to take my son to the sitter.

His free time at home is spent playing video games. His idea of quality time with our son is playing video games while he is sitting on his lap. I do all of our grocery shopping, he goes out with his friends alone, Im never invited. My friends who are couple do come to hang out, or we go out with them occasionally. He even goes out with my friends boyfriend a couple times a month. He doesn't clean the house, he wont even put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket. He does watch my son while I go to work, I work night shift so I get the baby to bed, and he's there to watch him while he sleeps, or if he would wake up through the night.

You know, reading all this saddens me. You are working, you are buying him a car to wreck, you do all the housekeeping, you do the grocery shopping, and he can't even put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket? You don't have a husband... you have two children!

Why do you put up with that kind of nonsense? And I hate to say it, but when you said he was "immature" you said a mouthful! You need him to get his priorities straight. You are killing yourself and he's a video game junkie. This is NOT what makes a marriage work!

I have been truly blessed with a wonderful man who always changed diapers, pitched in with the kids, helped clean house, and did as much as I did to make everything work. I guess that's why we made it 40 years. We never fight, and never have. (I guess he knows I'd win, anyway, LOL). He's a darned decent man and I thank my lucky stars I got him!