Hmmm..what do you guys think?

[KanoasDestiny]

I'm not really sure how I feel about the following situation, but was wondering how other women would feel if you were involved. This is NOT my situation, but I know someone going through it right now.

Say you and your fiance have been together for several years, and it's been a bumpy relationship - you fight but you always work things out. Then you decide that you guys need a break. Not broken up, just time to yourselves for a bit. Two weeks later, your significant other ends up messing around with another woman, and doesn't want you to know about it. You two end up calling off "time out" four days later.

Does the woman have a right to be upset over this? Or because they were taking a break, it's not officially cheating?

 

[hobbyhorse23]

Oy. That is a very tough situation for all involved.

I think it would partially depend on how far he went, and secondly on why he did it. Either way I think his fiance has a right to know about it but whether it's going to affect their relationship from here on out depends on the first two questions. Did he mess around with another woman because he wanted to validate his manhood and desirability? Because he's a randy jerk who's not ready to settle down? Because he was hurting and she came on to him? And did he actually sleep with her, get hot and heavy, or just hugged and kissed and then stopped because it felt wrong?

I wish her the best of luck with this; I personally can't imagine being in that sort of tempestuous relationship or with someone who would go make out with another woman during a break then try to get back with me. I understand time apart to get a handle on your feelings or take care of personal or family issues, but it doesn't sound like these two were doing much contemplating!

Leia

 

[~Lisa~]

Ahhhh the old Rachel and Ross we were on a break thing... interesting as that particular episode is on right now I am watching it as a type this (what are the odds) a break is a break and men tend to drown their sorrows so to speak differently then women.

most men can have sex and let it have nothing at all to do with emotions most women can not- in fact a lot of men use sex to release stress or emotions..something most of us women can not wrap our brains around.

You can not cheat on someone if you are not in a relationship-If the woman called a break I do not feel she can then call foul she may not like what happened but in my opinion it can not be equated with betrayl

 

[Minimor]

I think that most guys would say that they were on a break & so it doesn't count as cheating.

I think that most women will say that yes, the woman should be upset about this--they were on only a short break, they weren't actually 'broke up' and so the guy should not have been messing around with another woman.

Remember, this exact situation was portrayed on the TV series Friends? Ross and Rachel (it was Rachel wasn't it? I didn't watch the show all that much, but did see some episodes at that particular time) were on a break & he had a one night stand with another woman. Rachel found out & was very upset. At the time I said she should just get over it, they were on a break & not actually seeing each other, and so it really wasn't surprising--or wrong--that he picked up someone else for a night or two. I didn't think she should keep harping on it & being angry with him over it.

When I think about it, I think that would still be my stance on it. If it were me and my guy, would I like it? Surely not! But I don't think I would really have reason to be angry with him if we were on a break, he took up with someone else briefly and then decided she wasn't for him and we took up together again. I think I would be kind of ticked off, but I hope that it's something I would deal with and not let it taint the relationship.

Now, if there was no break & the guy cheated while in the long-standing steady relationship--that would be another matter. THAT is cheating.

 

[KanoasDestiny]

My whole family is disagreeing on this situation. My husband says that if his heart was still in trying to work things out, then another woman would have been the furthest thing from his mind. My mother says that it's cheating because they had a quarrel and never called the engagement off. My brother says that it's not cheating because they were not technically together.

I on the other hand, have no idea. It's common knowledge that they always make up shortly after a fight, so in a way I do feel like it was cheating. It's not like they had officially called the relationship off and had no intentions of getting back together, and then did work things out.

To my knowledge it wasn't full on intimacy. He went to a "gentlemens club" and "hooked up" with one of the girls.

I never watched "Friends", but it must have been really popular.

 

[chandab]

Ahhhh the old Rachel and Ross we were on a break thing... interesting as that particular episode is on right now I am watching it as a type this (what are the odds) a break is a break and men tend to drown their sorrows so to speak differently then women.
most men can have sex and let it have nothing at all to do with emotions most women can not- in fact a lot of men use sex to release stress or emotions..something most of us women can not wrap our brains around.

You can not cheat on someone if you are not in a relationship-If the woman called a break I do not feel she can then call foul she may not like what happened but in my opinion it can not be equated with betrayl

My first thought was of "Friends" and the Ross and Rachel incident.

 

[ruffian]

If the relationship is "bumpy" already, his playing around isn't going to help anything. There's too many people who get along beautifully right from the start to put up with always arguing. It's not worth it. I'd say move on.

 

[Reijel's Mom]

Well, in my opinion, she should either be upset enough not to take him back or decide to take him back and be able to let this go. I don't think anything else would be good for either one of them.

 

[Sonya]

Well my opinion is...if you have to have a "break" from someone (regardless of what you do while on said break) it is not a relationship that is going to last long term. I'm very old fashioned and if you can't deal with issues and work them out without having to have a "break" then it's not a relationship that is going to work...end of story.

If you can't make it work while dating, what makes people think it will work under "marriage" or any other civil union? I just don't get it...If you are engaged and fight on a consistant basis why in the he77 would you get married? And the fact that the other strayed while on the "break" should only tell your friend that this is not someone that values thier relationship at all...afterall men are men and they can be pigs, but we are all humans and if you don't have self control then you have nothing. Not saying that all relationships are roses and fine dinners, but lets be real...if a couple fights that much and requires "breaks" , they shouldn't be together, it's not healthy for either.

Just my opinion...wish your friend the best.

 

[miniwhinny]

I agree with Sonya on this one.

I'm also old fashioned when it comes to morals and responsibility and I have one simple question that I can't get over...why on earth would this woman want to be with this man at all and visa versa! If they already have "issues" they shouldn't be trying to force things into a deeper relationship. That's part of why divorce rates are so high.

I also strongly feel that anyone who would cheat after just a few weeks break - as they hadn't broken up but were having a time out with the intentions of getting back - so anyone cheating during this time doesn't really have that much love/commitment in the first place and certainly isn't working on strengthening the relationship.

Marriage is a wonderful institution but if a couple is already having issues then perhaps they aren't the two poeple who should be together for the rest of their lives.

 

[wcr]

Sonya has valid points. There was the book and movie called "He's just not that into you" and I think of it every time I hear about relationship problems and hold my own up to it as a standard to judge by. It goes back to commitment and trust. If they aren't totally committed to stay together and work out "spats" as apposed to "time off" for fights, then the commitment isn't there.

And how can you ever really totally trust someone that cheats on you? Women don't forget those things and it always niggles in the back of their mind. You look at the men and judge behavior and watch for signs and that isn't any way to live your life.

Granted, when you have been with someone a long time you have a history, memories of good times and dreams for the future that die hard. I think we have a tendency to hang on to those things long after the relationship has petered out. Sometimes it's better to move on so that when "mister right" comes along we don't miss him by trying to work out a relationship the isn't going anywhere.

 

[backwoodsnanny]

I think if they have been engaged for a long time that indicates someone not sure about the commitment either she or he. I also agree if they take time outs for disagreements then the relationship cant move forward because the problem never gets ironed out it just gets left behind often to only resurface later on. I also believe that this forum will be skewed to some extent because the majority are women here and women are more apt to see this as cheating than men are. I think sex for the sake of having sex is probably not a reason to end a relationship but if this man had sex with someone that he was emotionally close to that is another issue. JMO

 

[anoki]

I have to say that Ross & Rachel were the first thing that came to my mind as well!!!!

"We were on a BREEAAAAKKKKK!!!!!!!!"

I tend to agree with Sonya as well. If the couple are constantly fighting, taking 'time outs', then suddenly they are on a 'break'....not a healthy relationship to start with imo

However, if they were on a serious 'break' from each other, and didn't know if they were going to get back together or not, then they weren't together at the time. I wouldn't be happy about it, but it did happen when 'we' weren't together. If the guy were that serious about the relationship to begin with, then there probably wouldn't need to be 'time outs' and 'breaks' from each other......

~kathryn

 

[KanoasDestiny]

Thank you all for your replies, I agree with all of them. My first reaction was that they weren't together, so it wasn't cheating. But then with knowing both of them and how their relationship works, he knew that it'd work itself out, he just wanted to have a little fun before hand.

They got into a fight over money - he said that she needed to contribute more of her own funds and he was tired of paying for stuff - so she said that she didn't want him coming around for a while, so that she'd spend her own money for once. Stupid petty stuff, and I'm guessing if she knew what he did, it would be a whole lot more serious then what it originally was. They're young (early 20's), and have been together for about 3 years. I agree, this relationship isn't a healthy one, nor will it last forever if things don't change. I'm just unsure of what kind of sisterly advice to give to either of them, should she find out.

 

[Minimor]

For sisterly advice, if asked for--I think I would be a listener, and then turn it back onto the other person...."what do you think is right for you?" you know, something will will get the other person thinking things through, not actually advising what they should do.

That's the safest way.

 

[Sonya]

One thing I forgot to add...there are no "breaks" in marriage. And also in today's day and age...early 20"s are too young to get married or even be engaged...I'm not that old but things were different when I got married (14 years). It was more serious back then, it actually meant something and that wasn't so long ago, today, sadly, it is different.

 

[krissy3]

hmmm...if they are not on the same page now...chances are they will never be on the same page...which means a very bumpy relationship that is emotionally draining..There are a lot of great men out there,he -she should give someone else a try. Marriage is hard enough with someone you adore. sorry your friend is going through this , we all do at one point or another, it builds charactor.as far as sisterly advice ...just a big hug and kleenex when she needs it ..its all you can do , and it will be all she needs..just a hug.

 

[backwoodsnanny]

I have just one more comment and that is if this is such an up and down relationship it might be a good thing that they find this out BEFORE they are married.

 

[~Palomino~]

I wouldnt call it cheating but why would you want to be with someone who would want to mess around? its more just ethics and what type of people you want to surround yourself with!