I need some husband advice,,,,,,,,,not his fault really

[Frankie]

My husband was diagnosed with Kidney Cancer and had the kidney removed last April. He has had a number of complications due to the sugery itself,,,,,,but at his 6 month check up, there was no cancer.

His brother was diagnosed with cancer of the liver and pancreas just after he was,,,,,,,but they can not do much for him. At the brothers last check up, they finally gave him a time frame because he demanded. He has 6 months or less.

So now my hubby is pretty peeved off, his brother is only in his mid 50's, my hubby knows it is brothers last holiday so is making holidays miserable. The main thing, hubby is feeling very very guilty because as of now he is cancer free.

Hubby is cranky, nasty, short, doesn't care much about anything attitude and quite frankley, not to sound insensative,,,,,,,,I am emotionally drained and it has become hard for me to handle.

My daughter is coming home from NY for Thanksgiving, I only see her a few times a year,,,,,am getting a ration of crap for going to my moms to be with my family and my daughter,,,,instead of the in-laws.

This is not my husbands daughter.

I feel so stuck.

I have been very patient and understanding through all this, I know it is not easy for anyone.

I am doing a lot of, "yes dear" and going on.

I have tried to get him to talk about it more and he just won't. I have done some special things for him, that mean nothing.

I just don't know what to do,,,,,,,,,,,have you been here? If it were you, what would help you?

 

[Cronewolf]

:new_shocked: Is there a lot of distance between where you are dining and he is? If not maybe you can have dinner one place and dessert the other. That worked well for me and my X for 8 years.

 

[~Julie~]

Carolyn this is a sad story. You are in a difficult postion but your husband needs your support. Sometimes we need to do things for other people, especially for our loved ones, that are not what we really want to do. Don't feel that the "special things" you have done for him mean nothing. He is not able to express his gratitude right now.

Your husband is emotionally drained and you are his partner in life so you should be with his family if he wants you to. Maybe you can work out some way to see your mom and daughter afterwards.

Some counselling, or help from a cancer support group would help your husband and yourself.

I wish you peace,

~Julie~

 

[Marty]

When he's ready to talk to someone about it, he will

Sometimes people just need their space and need to have everyone back off

He'll come around when he's good and ready

Just love him

I also wouldn't loose one minute of time with my children.

 

[Dairygirl]

I agree 100% with Marty. Have you tried to tell him how you feel? If he doesn't care then just give him space. He'll come around. I sure would visit your daughter. You don't get a chance to see her everyday. You can listen to him being mean any time. I can understand the things he is going thru but that still isn't a excuse to be mean to you. That is just my opinion.

 

[carlenehorse]

I agree with Karla and Marty. Seems like he needs to spend some alone time with his brother and get his feelings out in the open. His brother may help him. I would see my daughter and explain to him how important he is to you and how important your daughter is to you also.

Hope everything works out.

Carlene

 

[FoRebel]

I agree with Karla, Marty and Carlene. I think you need to tell him how you feel and use "I feel ____ when you ____" statements. I would explain to him even though you continue to support him that you need a little break from the stress and everything to spend with your daughter who has come back from NY to spend time with you and your family. I would also explain to him that maybe he and his brother need to talk about the cancer and get things in the open.

I advise you to use "I feel ___" statements when you're talking to him. In my opinion that gives you the ownership to how you feel and makes it so that you're not "blaming" him for anything. If he gets angry, calmly respond with the fact that you're still supporting him but that you need some YOU time with your daughter and maybe he needs some HIM time with his brother.

I know that cancer can either make or break a family. I've been there, done that.... My grandma died of brain cancer 1995 and she was the matriarch of the family. I think that your hubby needs to get his feelings out in the open with you and his brother. It would make things hopefully workable in your relationship with him and hopefully understandable with his brother/family.

Take your time to spend with your daughter.... Let your hubby spend time with his brother and tell his brother how he feels but, tell hubby how you feel about everything... take it from there... Still support him but it sounds like space is what both of you need!

Here to talk if you need to! (((HUGS)))

 

[Pepipony]

Hmmmm what a pickle you are in My hubby has hit his mid-life crisis and is Jekyl-Hyde. Jekyl will be lucky if Hyde survives

:

Everyone has made such great suggestions! Maybe you can split the day? Have time with your family, let him have time with his, then ALL get together?

I do agree that you need to sit him down, but you will have to catch him when he is Jekyl, Hyde will not listen. Kinda like telling a drunk they are drunk, they will not see it. My hubby kinda snaps out of it when I call him Hyde. Good luck and make sure YOU have a happy Thanksgiving. Sometimes the best thing is to just let them stew by themselves and take care of yourself.

 

[Bess Kelly]

Your hubby is feeling guilty but, also scared. Cancer can recur and I'm certain he's worrying about that even if he won't admit it. As to his brother, once the liver is involved, well, not good. Been there with my own husband several years back.

Have you considered talking with his doctor and asking him to review his meds? Possibly he needs more or less -- could help. And he may be able to convince him to seek counseling.

It's a hard road to travel for both of you. Try having you mom & daughter share time/meal/etc. during the day when it will leave you free to attend a meal with his family. I'm certain they will understand.

The others have offered sound advice -- talk with him and always without blame to him -- as another has suggested. These situations are very hard -- a support group may help YOU to help get through it all.

I wish you the very best. Let us know how things are going -- we care.

 

[Miniv]

Oh Lord....Why does this surface at THIS time of year????

Priority One -- YOUR DAUGHTER.

Priority Two -- Your Husband and his conflicts with his relationships...........which is woven in with your feelings for his side of the family.

Once your daughter's priorities are taken care of, you should realize that your husband has choices to make in how he deals with the cr*p that has been handed to his family. And you have choices to make with how YOU handle it too!

Frankly, your whole family has a tough situation to deal with, but it's up to each family member how it's remembered. You can quietly point out to each of them that it is up to each of them how it will all end up.

Another Priority -- No matter what, make sure your husband tells his brother how much he loves him.

MA

 

[kaykay]

i so feel for you. we have had a lot of cancer in our family so i know first hand how it affects everyone. I feel sure this is probably making your husband think about his own future and what if.

Can you just stay home and have a dinner with just you guys?? Probably too late.

Years ago we refused to be torn apart by both sides of our families. We started having our own thanksgiving dinner just us and the kids. we love it

Hope your day turns out well

kay