IS it to soon to?

[Taylor Jo]

I've know a my tractor guy for about a year now off and on and when I became a "widow" I went in and bought a Gator and trailer. Well the more I thought about it the more I decided it was NOT the thing I needed, so I called him up and canceled it. About 3 weeks after that I went in and he said to me, "I was just getting ready to drive out to your place in a couple of day's and check on you and make sure you were ok." At the time I thought that was VERY salesmen of him and nice.

Well I ended up buying a CX300 front loader tractor from him and it has been a LIFE Saver. He and another guy delivered it and both were very nice. I at the time had ordered a 21 cubic trailer and it hadn't came in yet. (This was a mth after my husband passed). One day I called John Deere and had a panic cause I couldn't figure out how to stop the tractor with an emergency brake as I couldn't find it and someone there was nice enough to explain it to me. Yesterday I went in and he wasn't there but I bought some stuff for me dog and I WAS going to ask him about buying a back blade for my tractor to do my driveway and leaves.

He called me about 2:30 and said he wanted to come deliver my trailer to me and if I would be home he'd do that. I said fine I'd be here. As he pulled up I noticed no one else was with him. It got delivered and we chatted briefly and he said to me; is there anything else? I said; NO. He said; Well if there's nothing else I better go. I didn't say anything then he say's, Are you sure there's nothing else? I said; No but thank you for coming and bringing me trailer to me. He's like your welcome, are you sure nothing, HUH?

AT THIS POINT, I'm frustrated. Then he say's to me, "Well stop by and we'll chat sometime, ok?" I said; Yes I'll do that. And off he went.

Now people I haven't dated in 11 years and I'm NOW 58 years old. I don't have clue...........

THEN, I call my daughter and I tell her about it and she's like "OH" I thought it was about your TRUCK." Well, she say's. I just think it's inappropriate. It's to soon. He hasn't been dead that long and it's inappropiate........ I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

I said; "Trina, he's dead no matter what, I can't bring him back. I either start living now or 6 mths from now or a year from now. What does it matter? YOU tell me, when am I suppose to start living. ALL I was telling you is some guy was flirting with me and I flirted back. I can't change or bring my husband back. Dear GOD DON"T I want him back, but I can't."

Why can't I talk to the opposite sex? I'm NOT going to marry the guy, gesh and forget about sleeping with him. If anything I'd just like to TALK to him. I miss that maleness in my life. I WANT to talk to him, FOR HIM. NOT because there's something that attracts me about him that reminds me of my husband. This person is JUST a nice person.

AM I WRONG? I'm confused. I DIDN'T FEEL GUILTY "TILL" she YELLED at me. I was happy and excited. Ya know when your 58 have 4 dogs and 6 horses, it's not like you have 8 guy's standing knocking at your door. YOU just want to meet a nice guy to have dinner with and go to a movie. Someone that understands YOUR NOT 21 anymore and you have your own life. I'm HIGHLY independent and I want someone to respect that. I'm also VERY WILD and CRAZY. That's what attracted my husband to me. I have a freedom about me that conservative men are attracted to and that's ok. I like the conservative ones it keeps me grounded.

ANY valuable input on dating would be helpful. I don't know what I'm doing. I thought I wanted to be alone forever after my husband died the earth sucked, but I miss having someone to talk to and share with. My dogs and horses don't answer me.

Thanks for listening and sharing your insights. TJ

 

[Miniv]

TJ.... Don't be mad at your daughter. She's the LAST person who is going to be OBJECTIVE with what you asked. Remember, she's dealing with her own loss.

Some folks will say that it's too soon and others will say, go for it. WHO CARES? Go with what you feel is right in your heart.

Everyone who has had a loss is going to deal with it differently. THERE ARE NO RULES.

 

[RockRiverTiff]

I agree with Miniv. The bottom line is it's your life. No matter what anyone here or anywhere else says, only you know what's right for you.

 

[KanoasDestiny]

I agree with everything MiniV said. Your daughter is still hurting over her loss and it may take a while for her to come to terms with it. It's totally understandable. When my mother divorced my father ( I was really little), I despised the man she began dating before the divorce was final. I know that's not the same thing as if someone passed away, but I was hurting and I was upset that my mom could forget about my dad so quickly. Your daughter wants you to be happy, even if she doesn't understand or agree with your timing. She'll adjust, but for the time being, you need to take into account that she's grieving, just like she'll have to accept that you're lonely and looking for some friendship right now. It just takes some time.

 

[minimomNC]

My husband died 5 years ago this coming Feb. I don't have the urge to date, just doesn't cross my mind. BUT... I know if I did, my husband would only want me to be happy, thats what he wanted when he was alive and I know it wouldn't be any different now. The one thing Audie taught me was to live life to its fullest and never take it for granted. So if you want to go have dinner with a nice gentleman then go have dinner. Its not a weekend in a hotel, its dinner with a friend right now. Your daughter is going to feel this way for the amount of time she needs to but you are the one living your life, you have to do what makes you happy. And it can't hurt having a tractor guy for a friend either.

 

[minie812]

My Dad died unexpectedly when I was 15 and mom had several men that wanted to date her within a few months of him passing. I was all for it as she had been in a depression and it was time for her to move forward. That was way back in the 70's. Some neighbors thought it to soon but Good Grief "When is it to soon?" I think it is what YOU feel comfortable with. The only thing I will say is take it slow and do not make any major decisions for at least a year

 

[minih]

I don't know how close your daughter and your husband were, but I understand her feelings exactly since I was in a like position before. My step grandfather (who was a grandfather to me when I was born, he is the only one I ever knew) starting dating within weeks after my grandmother died. I had very hard feelings to him, and it affected our relationship until the day he died several years ago. He let another woman have a lot of her things and she came in and threw a bunch of them away. I did not feel he gave my grandmother the respect and love her life deserved since he was remearried within months of her death. Our family was still in mourning and forced someone new on us and in our face too soon. We were never close again and I quit calling him pappa. I did not expect him to stay a widower but we were still in schock from my grandmothers passing. I will not comment on your situatioin since I do not know you at all, I was reading your post and I just wanted to let you know to not belittle your daughters feelings, they can explode into something bigger you can never retrieve. Just my two cents.

 

[Genie]

I have heard to not do anything major for a year after this type of loss, but everyone is different.

I think it's your business and you need to do what you feel is best in your case.

I have warned all my friends and family that my husband will have to remarry in a week or so after I am gone because he hasn't had a meal and he hasn't paid any bills.

My sister lost her second husband and was so lonely and just can not handle being alone at all. We gave her a puppy and she's happier than she has ever been

I don't want to make light of it, but I just know that my family does not make decisions for me, nor do I make decisions for them.

 

[Taylor Jo]

I don't want to belittle her feelings at all and the crux of the whole thing is her and my husband didn't even get along. She was a single mom with 2 kids when we met and he said she was "BOSSY" and she said he was a "know" it all. They rarely got a long. But, he loved her. He used to say nice things about her all the time, she just never knew it, and when he died I told her and she was shocked.

She NEVER dates and is terrified of men and I think that is part of why she is saying what she's saying, cause she's coming from "her" perspective. SHE would never do that so how DARE anyone else.

Plus, I got e mail from her and she said I sounded excited. I wrote her back and said; heck yes he had just left the barn and if you were 58 years old and were around old farmers all the time you'd get excited too. PLUS, I DIDN'T SLEEP with him, I flirted with him for goodness sakes.

She said there's "SOME" things I shouldn't share with her. I wrote back and said; OK what is it you "wouldn't" like me to share so I know my boundries. She also stated that she was upset that "I" couldn't be "accountable" to her. I told her I DID NOT want to be JUDGED my her. Her and my sister ARE CONSTANTLY making comments and judgements over my horse spending, and THEY FEEL they have the right to make comment over it and tell me when to much is to much. "I" told them it was NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS!!!!!! I have my own life and I don't go around delving into their finaces nor their persoanl life. IF they come to me wanting some advice I will "freely" give it, but it's there's to take and by no means do they have to follow it. WELL, THEY THINK I SHOULD NOT ONLY TAKE THEIR'S BUT FOLLOW THEIR'S.

That's why I decided NOT to move back to Californina.....!!!!!!!!! I don't NEED to live under and hour glass constantly being judged. Gee they'd crap their pants now. I have a tractor, a trailer (tractor is a CX 200 not 300) A living quarter 26 ft trailer and a 2 horse slant (makes into a 4-5 slant) PINK trailer for running around town to the vets. Plus, my old one I'm trying to sell. AND I bought new furniture for the living room, kitchen, dining room w/ new dishes, OH WELLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT's MY LIFE.

I DON't have my husbands GHOST HERE. I can actually walk through the house without breaking down and getting hysterical now. It's MORE ME then him and me.

They have NO IDEA what it's like to loose someone you've been living with for 10 years.

About your' step grandfather, it probably wasn't a good idea him doing what he did. Above all giving the lady her things. I WOULD NEVER do that. BUT, it goes to show how he wanted to replace your grandmother VERY badly and couldn't stand being alone. He forsaked his family just so he didn't have to be. Shows you how desperate he was. I'm sorry that happened to you. To bad you never could have told him how angry you were with him, but at the time I think his need was so great he couldn't see straight. TJ

 

[Allure Ranch]

[SIZE=12pt]Obviously, you've asked for thoughts/opinions on this topic. Therefore, after reading your comments I feel inclined to contribute mine. Whether it be taken to heart or not is clearly up to you. [/SIZE]

Naturally I'll advise you just as I would any of my employees, stepchildren, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, brother, sister, in-laws, friends or acquaintance who have asked.

I can understand your personal need to surround yourself with people so that you're not so inclined to be depressed since your husband has passed. However, I think that it's NOT so wise to want to embark on any relationship that involves a male figure at this time in your life. More importantly the kind that your describing.

First off you're EXTREMELY vulnerable right now and YOUR judgment is HIGHLY impaired. It would seem as though you're not at your peak for sound responses in your actions and sadly enough there are plenty of individuals out there that will take advantage of that.

Furthermore, you have yet to go through the entire grieving process of your husbands death as he only just passed away a little over a month ago. Although, you knew that he would be passing that's still not the same as the realization of someone being completely gone. I would also speculate that you're presently deflecting your grief in an alternate manner through your purchases and now you're filling your thoughts with the possible consideration of male companionship/company.

Eventually over a period of time possibly someone else will come into your life at the right moment. But at this point o[SIZE=12pt]nce again I'm going to suggest that you SLOW down. Surround yourself with close friends and family that you can rely on for good sound advice. Trust me you need it right now.[/SIZE]

Best regards ....

 

[Katiean]

TJ I think you "have" been grieving for as long as your husband knew he would not be around long. It is different if it is not something expected. Just an example, when my father was killed by Kaiser Hospital It was totally unexpected and it was 2 weeks before my parents 25th anniversary. My mother doesn't remember anything from the first 6 months. It is just lost time to her.

Her second husband (she remarried about 10 years after she lost my dad) had lung Cancer and they knew he was going to die because it was not cough soon enough. She was his only care giver for the last 8 months of his life. When he died she took a road trip and started living her life again.

In my opinion, when you are caring for a person that is dying, you are doing a large part of your grieving while they are still alive. I think you should do what ever you feel good about. If you are comfortable with this guy or any other guy then go for it. Don't let anyone condemn you for living your life.

As for your daughter....I have a cousin that NEVER met her father as my aunt was only a few months pregnant when he passed. Her whole life growing up would NOT LET her mother date as she was betraying her husband in my cousins eyes. After Leesa left home My aunt remarried.

 

[Marty]

There are many steps to grieiving and I honestly think you are still coming out of the initial shock (or still in shock) and reeling and not making much sense to yourself or anyone else at this point. That is normal. You will go through a whole lot of other emotions that will continue to have you all over the place for quite some time. That is normal. I agree with your family and I also must agree with Kimberle. I cannot even believe that you are even thinking of dating, no matter on any level be it lunch or a basketball game as your husband has not been gone but a couple of short months. Way too soon. I do think your judgement is very impaired right now and I urge you to abandon this idea. You are thinking an "innocent" friendship.......I doubt that he is. You know who your close and true friends are. Don't distance yourself from them because they are the ones that will help get you grounded and stick by you no matter what. Keep your family close, very close and don't dismiss them, let them help you find your way. I say this with the kindest intent.

 

[Miniv]

Taylor Jo.......

You are an ADULT and don't need the authority to do anything. You are obviously questioning your feelings right now, and perhaps that's a good thing?

Have you talked to a grief counselor? Don't shy off doing it. They can be very supportive.

One thing I DO know you will be advised.......No matter what happens right now, or who you meet.......Do NOT make any major decisions in your life during this first year after losing a Loved One.

This doesn't mean you shouldn't meet people, etc....... It's about making serious emotional and financial changes. I think that's what folks are worried about.

 

[miniwhinny]

Gee they'd crap their pants now. I have a tractor, a trailer (tractor is a CX 200 not 300) A living quarter 26 ft trailer and a 2 horse slant (makes into a 4-5 slant) PINK trailer for running around town to the vets. Plus, my old one I'm trying to sell. AND I bought new furniture for the living room, kitchen, dining room w/ new dishes, OH WELLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT's MY LIFE.

TJ,

I don't know you but since the first post I read from you I've liked you and cared about you through the loss of your husband. I'm not going to give you advice on your tractor friend because we are all very different, our personalities, our relationships with our loved ones etc. I only know what I'd do and can't tell someone else when they should do

But I will give you this advice and it's coming from someone who really sees some warning signs - and as hard as that seems - it's taken a lot for me to post this because I know some will take it the wrong way. You said you are bipolar. I'm not a psychiatrist but I did loads of psych classes in college. It's a very hard thing to deal with - add to it the loss of your husband and I'm just so proud that you're even coping (((HUGS)))

I know from everything I've learned that being bipolar effects your relationship with others. I don't know your daughter but perhaps her butting in is just her way of caring.

I know that one of the hardest things for bipolar people to control is impulsive spending.

Just two weeks ago you posted that you were so worried that in just a handful of years you were going to run out of money to the point of being homeless and now you're spending money like it's going out of style. Please sweetheart, PLEASE get hold of a counselor because you truly truly truly need someone in your life who will help you not only now but to help you secure a decent future for yourself.

If you want to get mad at me - you can. I won't respond again. But please know that yesterday...and last week when you said you got two new horse trailers I so wanted to post but didn't and now I read that you have new furniture for every room. Please TJ, I know the spending makes you temporarily feel better but planning for the future is so important. WHen people come along and tell you "hey, you're an adult - do what you want" that's okay when you've got yourself in a position of being able to do what you want but just putting the pieces of the jigsaw together - I don't think you're there...

TJ, I CARE about you. I've studied bipolar and it's a real "illness" and I think that at this point it is living your life...not you.

Please take care

 

[Reijel's Mom]

Your family may be wrong, they may be right, they may have your best interests at heart, they may not. Probably the truth is somewhere in between all that. BUT - they know you better than anyone on this public forum does. . . and may have good reason to be concerned for you as far as relationships and finances go. They would know, we wouldn't. . .

Regardless, I wish you all the best. Your life sounds like it's going pretty great right now, considering your recent loss. And that is wonderful.

 

[Sonya]

You DO have the right to keep on living. If it turns out to be a mistake then it will be your mistake and you will learn from it. No one can tell you how you should feel/act or what you should do. This is YOUR life and we are only here a short time, don't waste it second guessing yourself or trying to get others to accept your decisions. If this is something that feels right to you, then you should do it...you do deserve to keep living.

 

[Just Us N Texas]

TJ, you need to know that widow's are ripe pickings in some men's eyes. Right now that tractor salesman and many other men you know see you as a fresh widow with obviously a lot of money to spend. Believe me, they would like to help you. There are many of them out there. I had a young man try to attach himself to me. He was probably 30 and I was in my 50's. He knew I was a widow, and obviously thought I had a lot of property, insurance money, and etc. that he would love to spend. I had been warned by loving friends, and family that this could happen. I enjoyed this young man's attention, but I wasn't gullible enough to fall for him, or his line! Enjoy doing whatever you want when you want, but be aware of some of those advantage takers. Oh, and I will add that one of my best friends lost her husband, did not heed warnings, and had two different men take her pretty good. She married a third, who has since passed away, but all he wanted was what she had too, and died and left it all to his children. She is not destitute, but now has to struggle to make a living, and her husband had left her enough to take care of her for the rest of her life, and have some left to give to the kids.

JUST BE CAREFUL!

 

[kaykay]

Just two weeks ago you posted that you were so worried that in just a handful of years you were going to run out of money to the point of being homeless and now you're spending money like it's going out of style. Please sweetheart, PLEASE get hold of a counselor because you truly truly truly need someone in your life who will help you not only now but to help you secure a decent future for yourself.

I think this is VERY insightful! I have also been around family members with Bi Polar disorder and it can over take a persons life (spending money, making quick decisions etc)

Kay

 

[user 488]

It got delivered and we chatted briefly and he said to me; is there anything else? I said; NO. He said; Well if there's nothing else I better go. I didn't say anything then he say's, Are you sure there's nothing else? I said; No but thank you for coming and bringing me trailer to me. He's like your welcome, are you sure nothing, HUH?
AT THIS POINT, I'm frustrated. Then he say's to me, "Well stop by and we'll chat sometime, ok?" I said; Yes I'll do that. And off he went.

Maybe I missed something here. Where does it say that this man actually wanted to go out with you? Maybe he just wanted to make sure you had no other questions while he was actually there. Maybe you are reading something into this that isn't there? I don't know.......maybe more to the story that wasn't explained? Do you think he was waiting for you to ask HIM out? If he wanted to go out with you then why didn't he just say it? Color me confused.

:wacko

I also agree with the above post. But all and all you are the only person who can decide what is best for you.

 

[bfogg]

The people who are telling you to be careful are so right.Men I have known my whole married life showed me a totally different side of them. A couple of them were oh so willing to help me. I am fortunate that I am an old yankee who does not trust easily.

Turns out they both thought I would be easy pickings. One wanted to help me by taking my husbands 1964 GTO convertible off my hands for $5000.00 such a nice guy.........

The other one was hoping to get the snowmobile and plow truck. When I didn't fall for it they very quickly didn't stop by anymore. Remember people rarely do things for free.

Now not to say there aren't wonderful giving people,we can prove that by the people on this board.But be very very careful. Right now you are very vulnerable and there are big pools of sharks waiting.

Please don't make any money decisions right now.I promise you that you are still in shock and quite innocent.

Just be careful.

Hugs

Bonnie