Opinions Please

[Matt73]

Last week a good friend of ours asked Kev if we'd both like to go for dinner on Valentine's Day with him and this new guy that he's seeing. Kev and I don't make Valentine's Day a big deal; every day is a celebration of our love and committment to one another

We gave each other cards and candy, of course, but otherwise it was a regular day. We both had a few reasons for not wanting to go out with them. 1. we'd be driving an hour away for dinner and it being a Monday seemed like a pain 2. Kev had a presentation to prepare for for today 3. If we were to go out, I feel that Valentines Day is a private day for the couple and find it, quite frankly, odd that this friend would want to double-date and 4. We've met at least 5 new guys that this guy had started dating and they quickly fizzled out; I find it tiring investing my energy meeting new people only to know that we'll never see them again. I truly believe that you should be together for at least a month or so and/or know that it's a long term thing before introducing a S.O. to friends and family.

This friend was being very pushy and even called me the day before to tell me that he made reservations for 4 people. I said that we probably weren't going (for the 10th time!) and I'd have Kev call him. He was pretty disappointed and peeved (you could hear it in his voice). Not once did we say we were going. Then he told Kevin on the phone that, "oh, but I made reservations for 4". Ummm, so call them back and make it for 2

Does anyone else find the whole thing a bit immature and strange?

 

[REO]

Hmmmm It kind of feels to me like he is lonely and insecure.

 

[Matt73]

Hmmmm It kind of feels to me like he is lonely and insecure.

Yeah...

 

[user 488]

Does anyone else find the whole thing a bit immature and strange?

I hate pushy people. It puts me in a predicament I don't want to be in because I do not like to have to be rude to anyone. This guy has really given you no choice. You have been polite and have already told him in a nice way you can't go. I don't know how you can make it any plainer. At this point just say no and tell him to change the reservation. You shouldn't have to explain yourself and the way you feel about Valentines Day. Sorry you have to go through this........

 

[StarRidgeAcres]

Both Robin and Carol are right on. Insecure? Most likely. Pushy? Most definately!

I applaud you and Kev for sticking to what is best for you and celebrating the day as you wish. I sometimes find I let myself be pushed around by people like this when I wish I could just say no.

I also understand what you're saying about him introducing his friends to his new dates and then they don't last. It is a bit tiresome to continually go through that same introduction process with a friend. When there's no continuity, it makes the whole evening less enjoyable in my opinion. I want to meet someone, get to know them and then have the opportunity to grow the friendship. It's nice to be able to say "catch me up on so and so" but you never get to do that if it's always a new date he brings.

Hopefully he'll find someone longer-term. It would probably be good for him and his self-esteem. Not to mention easier on you and Kev.

 

[Jill]

Matt, I totally understand where you and Kev are coming from and I think I'd feel the same way. It sounds like your friend is being pushy and also inconsiderate. Another part of me thinks maybe he's immature / inexperienced / overly-optimistic and wants you to meet guys early on because he thinks it will be long term and values your acceptance of the guy. Or like others are saying, insecure and is looking to you and Kev for confirmation that he's significant other material. It's bad because either way, that's got to come from inside your friend not outside and he's pushing it with not respecting your feelings and doing all he can to avoid "catching the drift". It's hard to know advice about how to handle it with your friend but at least I hope it helps to know "we all" seem to get it and feel you and Kev did the right thing.

Another thing, too, if he's this way and you sure don't seem that way (insecure / indecisive / pushy) and I would seriously doubt Kev is that way since he's your significant other... maybe you will be happier if you put distance between you and your friend (maybe not as compatible as friends as you were in the past) and maybe this was the first step? I was in sort of a similar situations years ago and I am a lot happier now that things are just much "cooler" (and not in the Fonzi way LOL!) between us... Just in case that could be a silver lining to something currently annoying.

Either way, good luck!

 

[Riverrose28]

I agree with the other posters, but since he called Kev it seems to me he was trying to play you against each other, that is not acceptable.

 

[Matt73]

Yep. Kev is a waaayyy bigger push-over than me

He's the sweetest and wants to be (and is) the nice guy. He can find it hard to say no. But if this guy was trying to play us against each other it doesn't matter; we're much stronger than that.

And, Jill, we have distanced ourselves from this person over the last 6-8 months, subconsciously. We actually love him to pieces and he's a sweet guy. But there are a few things that really bug us about him (as you can tell). Didn't really think about why until this came up. He's a bit younger than both of us, so that's where a lot of this comes from. I remember when I was 27....I was crazy LOL.

Thanks guys

 

[REO]

Instead of pushing him away (which will be hurtful to him when he may not have a true clue) can you sit with him and talk to him about why? Face to face. If you love him as a friend, he desrves that IMO. Make him understand how you feel and why. Try to work through this. No one is perfect

THEN if it can't go forward happily from there, then you'd have done all you can do.

All I know is, some people go about being themselves and are not aware they are bothering someone. IMO it's mean to just stop talking to them or dumping them. TALK to them. Give them a chance. Then if things don't get better, tell them it didn't work THEN distance yourself.

I'm just saying how I would do it

 

[Matt73]

Great advice, Robin. Very wise. I have a feeling that it won't make much of a difference (and may hurt him in the short-term...but be good in the long-term), but it's the right thing to do, for sure. Thanks