Someone is hurting my son...

[Chaos Ranch]

6 weeks ago I had to make a decision that ripped my heart out. My soon to be 14 year old son was struggling with many issues that I have never dealt with and I did not know how to help him. Many of you are aware of the cult-like church we recently broke away from and that "church" had some very very negative impacts on my son. (on all of us, but he and I bore the most scarring comments). I have worried that many would consider me stupid for staying. I consider me stupid. Anyway... my son has a lot stacked against him and he was really suffocating inside himself. I have prayed and prayed until I cried so hard I coudln't pray anymore.

I don't want to go into the personal details of his behaviour or his struggles but to give you an idea of some issues he faces know that he is going to be 14 next month, and he weighs 68 pounds and he's very VERY tiny framed (they grow kids really big down here, so that only amplifies his lack in stature). Also, he suffered from lead poisioning when he was a little guy and it caused brain damage. His IQ is 72... which makes him just under the "line" they claim is normal, and puts him into their mentally retarted area.

Ok..with that said we had run out of options, and we hated seeing him struggle with certain things because it seemed to make his life miserable. We made the decision to take him to a "ranch".... I looked all over the internet, talked to all sorts of people and found nothing bad about it. It's a behavioural and mental healthcare facility... only on a "normal" life setting. They have their own doctor, their own school, their own houses.

I have NEVER been without my son. He has been with me through some horrific times, and through some amazing times. It was the uttermost difficult thing I have ever done to drive up there and give them his things and drive away without him. It ripped me apart. I cried so hard for days and days that I literally dehydrated myself. Couldn't eat, drink, nothing. But it was for all to help him.

They have a "black-out" period. No seeing or talking to one another for 30 days. You can write letters, but with his reading/writing skills being that of a first semester 2nd grader his letters were vague. After the 30 days we had a counceling session with him. We got to see him for about an hour and a half. He felt different.... but I couldn't figure out what it was.

Following that Friday he was allowed a phone call each week. Tuesdays, between 5 and 6. First phone call was ok, but I could feel him fighting back something. It's the phone call yesterday that tore me up. I knew that they lied to me and said they'd supply all of his hygene things... my son sat up there for 30 days without one drop of soap, shampoo, or deoderant!! :new_shocked: I sent some with him but they took it. His belt and shoes were stolen... but I could over-look some of that to an extent. (after fussing in the office about the soap/shampoo thing in front of 3 sets of parents who were admitting and visiting their kids they go him some that night.)

My son can verbalize what's going on with him very well. Always has ... even if it gets him into trouble he'll say what he feels and say what he's done. This 10 minute call was 85% him crying. He was unable to talk. I understand homesick, this was not homesick. He had someone standing over him, I heard the guy. I asked questions... like this....

Son, are they spanking you? "I don't know".

Please son, tell me , are they spanking you or hurting you. "I.. I don't know".

This is very important son... you know if someone is hitting you... please tell me... are they spanking you.

"I just dont know.. I dont know".

So... I say "Is someone hurting you?" His cry changed, and he said "Yesssss" I say.... "Adult or kid" he says "Kid".... I get that Feeling... that feeling that I always get... that "special" sense God gave me was screaming and yelling thoughts, feelings, and images through my head.

Son... tell me... please, how are they hurting you... "I... they ... I ..." Son.... did you tell the councellor "no, I can't" did you tell your house-master... nothing but sobs..... Please, this is very important, tell me, hurry... are they making you do something you dont want to do... to that I got the hyper-ventillating breathing...that kind of breathing you get when you have such a wall of emotion well up you can't contain your breaths and you become over-whelmed and all you can do is fight with all your focus to keep then from ripping apart in the middle... then he says.... I have to go, they said I have to go. Bye mommy.... click.

:new_shocked:

I was furious. So mad the tears rolled down all by themselves.. but this wasn't hurt defeated sad tears...this were mad dog, mother bear tears. The feeling in my soul screamed at me, and my heart was punching me in the chest. I didn't know what to do.... so I called my dad. (weird... 31 years old.... 5 kids... and I still ran to my "daddy" to help me.)

I gathered my focus, and aimed all of my emotion right at getting him out of there. I called the admit person and they said... she left. I paged her and she's gone... would you like to leave a message or may I help you. I said ... absolutely you can help me. You can have my son's things packed and my boy waiting on me when I get there. "Ma'am, I can't do that"... well you better do it or I'll turn every house upside down to find him. Please hold ma'am. Guess who got on the phone... the admit lady ! (yeah...the one that "left")

There's much more to this but my post is so long already that I just feel horrible that it's so long. But I have so much rolling in my head right now. I just hate this. I have to call her back today at 9:30 to see if they'll discharge him. If they don't... you may not hear from me for awhile.

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I sure hope ya'll don't think me to be a blathering idiot... I have never faced something like this before and I don't know anyone who has. If I know anything at all, I know that this forum is filled with moms, dads, nannas, pa-pas, and many many other enormously kind and compassionate hearts so if ever there was any one that could understand and could know what thoughts and prayers to say it would be ya'll. I do normally try to keep very personal things limited to personal emails and such... but I just can't think straight enough right now waiting for the next hour to pass to figure out who to write to because the only people in my address book that would understand and truely pray are the people on this forum.

Please, if you can spare a little bit of time, please could you pull all your kind thoughts and all your compassion into a plea to God to help me get my son out of there, and to help my son heal from whatever has happened? Please.

 

[Marty]

KIMMY!!!!!!!

What's this about "seeing if they will discharge him?"

You get yourselves to that town and go straight to the sherrif's department there and get an escort and goooooooooo get your son. Be prepared to file the appropriate charges right then and there if you

have to. But after the murder down Florida last month of a child in a boot camp, I would run, not walk

to get him now.

Prayers like crazy for you and your son.

 

[Steph_D]

Oh Kim, my heart is breaking for you and your wonderful son. I'm fairly close to you, could you please pm or email me the name of this "ranch" so that I could warn other people about it. Also, if you need to talk, you're very welcome to email me. My address is [email protected]. I know a little about special needs kids since my daughter doesn't talk to people. I couldn't imagine having to leave her in a place like that after getting a phone call like you did.

You take care and if you need help getting your boy, the mother bear is springing up in me and I'd be glad to help!

 

[lvponies]

I've never been in this situation, but I am a mom. If you feel that your son is in danger, being mistreated, unhappy.....get him out of there. He only has you to protect him. I am furious that they didn't give him personal hygiene products for 30 days!! That's inhumane!! Surely, regardless of whatever issues caused you to put him there, he will be safer & happier at home??

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Hoping for a happy outcome.

 

[Miss_Fortune]

Oh my, Just reading your post brought tears to my eyes. & the same kind of tears you had, the Angry momma tears.

But I agree with Marty on this 1000% Go get him now, dont wait. If you wait, it will just prolong whatever is happening to him.

 

[Leeana]

A Whole load of prayers coming your way!!!

I think you have a LEGAL right to get your son out of this camp, he is in your custody ..not some stupid camp. As the parent you have control over whether he stays or leaves (which im hoping he does leave). Kids are cruel so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get him home and to safety.

Prayers being sent ...

 

[JO~*]

I know how that "Mom feeling thing" thing works.

If it was my kid I would get him out of there NOW.

I have no idea what kind of problems your boy has but if he needs help I would find someplace close to home and with an open phone line/door to you policy or something like that.

Maybe your boy needs some kind of outside help I don't know but it sounds like he went from one cult to another?

Best of luck to you both.

 

[Chaos Ranch]

It's hard to type this... I am trying to compose myself to prepare for "the call".... but I am shaking all over. It's so nice outside but I am shivering and shaking like crazy wrapped in a blanket... but I'm not cold.

I should have explained a bit more. They are supposed to keep him "on campus".... but when we went there I asked him if he had a nice house and he said he doesn't live in one of the houses there, that they take him out the long drive and far away down the road in a yellow van. I have no clue where he's at.. somewhere out there.... but I don't know where.

And found out that this facitliy/organization has it's hands (and money) into most of businesses and churches in the area. I don't know who I can trust and who I cant. My mom looked them up on the Better business beauru and it said they are not complying with requests for financial information (they claim as a charity)... they wont give staffing or program information. BBB Has tried for over a year to get them to comply and they won't respond.

It's horrible...awful. I have to call. It's time.

 

[Marty]

Slightly off topic but this is just for your information about the BBB......Better Business Bureau just so some of you folks are aware.

The BBB is NOT the police of every store/organization/business at all.

It is a private organization located in many towns. Your business joins it to help your community efforts.

If you have a complaint against any business, you can report it to them. BUT if they are not a member, then they can't do a thing about your problem. The business you report has got to be a member of the BBB in the first place in order to get their hands slapped by them. If you report the business to the BBB and they are not a member, oh well.....they can't do anything to help you and you just have to take private measures of your own.

 

[hhpminis]

I am so sorry, but like you said, BIG MOMMA is in the house. Madder than heck Momma.

Contact your state authorities, not your local, call social services, get every contact you can from them and go get your son. You were not court ordered to admit him, you did it voluntarily, they have no right to keep him if you want to go get him. Call a lawyer if you have to, have them write a letter for you to the facility. Call the news teams. Whatever it takes.

 

[keeperofthehorses]

Go get your boy! If they won't 'let' you, call the sheriff. Don't leave without him. Once he's home, get a lawyer and get any money you've paid this place back. File complaints about this place and individual counselors to whomever issued them their licenses. Bad enough your boy sounds tortured, it shouldn't happen to anyone else. Please, get off the computer and do it now!

 

[Chaos Ranch]

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Managed to call... lost my cool a bit :new_let_it_all_out:

She says she doesn't know where he's at right now (I say he better be in school). She also said her clinical director isn't in his office right now and she is going to try to find him. I said well, you go look for him while I go get my husband and head up there. She said "why don't you wait before heading up here... go get your husband then call me back."

I asked her if she thought there was going to be a problem with me getting my son today and she said

"no, I'm really not sure, dont head up here yet, let me talk to the clinical director first."

She said that so far the only reason I want him back is because someone is being mean to him... I said NO... not being mean to him... HURTING him... there's a difference. She says, well, you said in his call that he said a kid was mean to him. I said, no... I did not, I said he told me a kid was hurting him. Big difference. And by hurting, I KNOW this is not pcking, name calling, or hitting. You can't be a 68lb. mentally retarted poor boy in school today and NOT be used to being hit, made fun of, and outcast. My boy is sadly used to that. This is beyond that.

"We want to get to the bottom of this, and we'll make sure we know what's going on"... I said... so will I. Gave her 20 minutes to call me back and tell me where my son is.

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[Reble]

My Prayers are with you

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[Sanny]

I do feel awful for you and I hope it all works out and he is going to be ok. I felt sick to my stomach when I read your post. Is there anyway that you could meet with all of the staff, especially the admin person and tell them exactly how the conversation with your son went and what your concerns are and see what they say about the whole situation? The biggest concern I see is of the staff possibly not understanding what his mental limitations are and not making accomodations for that factor.

You DO absolutely have the right to take him from the camp, their reluctance to release him without discussing it or having a meeting is because every single kid admitted to this sort of program goes through something similar. None of the kids want to be there and all of them are trying to convince their parents or guardians to get them out and back home. Again, maybe they don't understand his reasoning ability and limitations.

I did have a similar experience with this sort of camp but it worked out ok. We had a foster son (he was only 14 yrs and had been in foster care since about age 4 and we were his 14th foster home) we and the county made the decision to send him to a very similar place TWICE, for three months each time he went in his teen-age years and we went through the same sort of phone calls and worried feelings and wondering what was being done to him and him sobbing on the phone and making everyone feel horribly guilty. A couple of times I was very close to driving up to Northern MN to pick him up and bring him home. It was easier to distance myself from it though because he wasn't my biological son and I was convinced if he didn't complete the program successfully he was going to end up dead or in jail by the time he was an adult. He was in a very hardcore program too, and they did take away all luxuries that the kids had always taken for granted and they really roughed it the whole three months. I actually think they may have taken away the shampoos and lotions and soaps from home and everyone used the same very basic cheap stuff and only got to take very very quick showers, just enough to wash off. They had school and individual and group therapy every day and did really hard phsyical outdoor labor every day. Chopping wood and working out in the forest and farm work and also learned all sorts of survival skills. Awake at the crack of dawn every day and in bed early. The last five days before graduation they were actually taken out in the wilderness and dropped off with just a little pup tent, sleeping bag and just enough food and water to get by for five days. No light of any sorts - no flashlight and not allowed to build a fire, no books, no pencil and paper, etc. because they were just to camp out and meditate and reflect on their life and choices and their futures before they graduated from the program. This part was super scary - especially for the "city kids" and especially at night.

He had changed a lot when he came home from it and I remember him saying as much as he hated it the whole time he was there he realized later he needed the experience. Now he is 19 years and is living on his own in an apartment and is going to college and working to support himself at the same time.

Having said all that, I do feel with our children we all have that gut instinct we have to listen too and when our foster son was away as bad as I felt about it all, I never had the sort of feelings you have right now about the whole thing and you need to follow your instinct and intuition.

 

[billiethekid40]

Oh God, as sick as I feel to my stomach right now, I cannot even begin to imagine how you feel. I had a cold chill reading your update post, it just doesn't sound right. I wish I could do more for you than pray and hope, but you can be sure I will be doing that much for your family as well as for all the other children who are at this "facility" along with your son. Something bad is happeneing there, and the people who run it are allowing it to happen. I just cannot fathom asking a 14 year old boy to go without soap etc for a month! And the fact that you don't know where he is staying makes my blood run cold. I can't wait to read your post saying that he is home and safe, but I doubt that will be the end of it either. Your family and especially you and your son did NOT need this! Nobodys family deserves to be put through this kind of ordeal from someone who was supposed to be helping. :no:

 

[Steph_D]

Oh God Kim, I'm shaking here. Praying super hard for you and your son.

 

[Chaos Ranch]

This place is a member of the BBB.... only they have stopped reporting to them and have failed to answer requests made by the BBB about their situations for over a year.

My son is considered to have a disability because of his MT... so he has a state medical card. This facility charges 250. - 495. per DAY to the state while my son is there. Since he is on S.S.I. and gets state medical help the facility told me I needed to go to the courthouse and get a court order to admit him because otherwise after 45 days of inpatient care his medical help would expire and that would enable them to renew it. So they set it up, and we went in, judge said Ok... you can go... and we walked out. No one gave us any papers or anything.

 

[FFFoxyGal]

Prayers coming from me as well,..that you can get your boy outta there,.....

 

[DakotahMoon_Ranch]

Oh my GOSH Kim. I cannot even imagine how raw you feel right now. I know from my experience as a mother, MAD DOG and MOTHER BEAR barely touch the surface of the rage I'd be feeling!!!

I too suggest you go and get law enforcement to go with you to get him. It was voluntary that you sent him there right? If that's the case, then they have no authority to keep him against his/or your will. And I too would scream about an investigation as to what really went down with your son.

I'm so sorry he has had such a bad time, bless his heart. I hope that you can get him on the road to healing the emotional and psychological trauma he's undergone. You will both be in my thoughts and prayers.

Please keep us posted as to what transpires (if you want to, you don't have to, but we care and want to see your son back in your loving care and out of that detrimental environment ASAP!!!)

 

[minisaremighty]

Oh Dear God Kim!!! What a horrible situation!!!!!!!! I'm sitting here crying for your son and your whole family. I would be going crazy! Will keep you all in my prayers today and hope that you have your son home by this evening. Please keep us updated.