Stepdad's Invasion of Privacy

[runamuk]

You can monitor your teenagers' activities and still respect their privacy. Adolescence is when children learn to become adults. Privileges need to be granted (gradually) so that children begin to prepare for when they are on their own...have you ever seen what overprotected kids do when they go away to college?
If they are not responsible, then privileges are taken away accordingly, but if a teenager follows the rules, gets good grades, is respectful, etc., then that maturity should be rewarded with increasing trust.

I don't feel that ANY parent should walk into a child's room without knocking. I certainly don't mean that a parent should not go in, but simply knock as a courtesy before entering.

On the other hand, I don't believe in televisions, computers or phones in kids' bedrooms, nor the separation that so often exists between parents and children these days. I absolutely hate how so many houses are designed with master suites -- self-contained units where parents are isolated at another end or floor of the house, far removed from their kids.

My mother has always said to treat you guests as you would your family, and your family as you would your guests.

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I agree with most of what you said.....however my kids barge into my room without knocking I am inclined to march down and do the same

(yes it is childish but they get the point) my youngest son still could care less if you just mosey into his room...my older son prefers I not go in his however we went through a year of he_ll to get to where we are and he knows I will snoop if I suspect anything.....of course any more he just volunteers for me to search and take him in for a UA or blood...so it isn't a complete invasion...he is very much still in the earning back my trust......

And we have a master suite where my office is located and a tv in our room but no tv in the kids rooms or computers and we do not own cell phones........of course the kids are in my room all the time so it isn't like it is private down here

 

[rabbitsfizz]

All these points are very relevant, and it might help Jessica to print them off and show them to her Mother as back up ...BUT for me, the fact that Jessica feels her privacy is being invaded, at her age, means it is. And for me that is the most important point of all.

 

[DunPainted]

My apologies, but I'm wondering if this guy's got other things on his mind, other than the so-called "welfare" of a step-daughter. This behavior is truly warped, and has control or "other" issues that may come to the surface if boundaries are not respected. I know of what I speak and red flags are flapping wildly in the wind! You mentioned that he and your mom are not getting along, perhaps you're the pawn in this emotional battle. However, as a mother, I firmly believe your mom should step up to the plate and insist SHE do the "snooping" with you or without. You are HER child to protect....why is she looking the other way? Period! Have absolutely no respect for mothers who don't listen/watch strange behavior of their boyfriends/husbands with regard to their daughters....could just slap 'em!

I like Storm 41's idea of photographing "before" and "after" photos. In the meantime, RUN, DON'T WALK to your school counselor who's "safe person" and another adult (documentation). Go to another "safe" adult and ask if they'll hold onto your photos and journal. Talk with your father, of course.

Boy, if my child who is involved with horses as much as you, how in the world could you be involved in drugs.....that takes time away from your "passion"?

Is there any way you can live with your father?

This situation is just too weird and you should not be "violated" in this manner on a continual basis. What, exactly, is the guy looking for? Have you asked him to be specific? Why does he move things around?

Sorry for the long post.....this is giving me the "eeby jeebies"!

 

[Jess P]

My mom and stepdad do get along lol. I don't know where I said that. He isn't going through my drawers, he just walks in and looks around. I don't think he is being creepy, just going into my personal space.

I tried talking to him last night but he denyed it again so I have the strongest urge to set up my brother's webcam or a videorecorder or something so that I can document what goes on in my room when I am not here.

I will not move to my dad's. Even though I wanted to a couple years ago because of an incident with both my mom and stepdad with alcohol, I will not leave here because this is where my horses are. This is what I spend most of my time doing, working with my horses and showing them.

 

[Danielle_E.]

I am sorry you are going through this and can understand how unhappy you are about this. Did this just start recently? or has this been going on for awhile. Is your stepdad also doing this with your brother? Has something happened recently that has given your mom and stepdad reason to worry? If the answer is no to all the above then I would be upset too if I were you. I think the "mature" thing to do is to have a talk with your mom and stepdad together and come right out and ask "why" they feel the need to do this and let them know that they are making you feel like they have no trust in you. I think trust and privacy is very important and I am sure they wouldn't want you invading their room and snooping around. I think the hold situation is rather sad.

 

[Marty]

I feel I should have free access to the boys room any darn time I darn well please and I do. However, I don't like to go in their rooms. It's way too scarry and no telling what I'll step in..........

But if I have reason to suspect something bad could be going on in their lives that they are hiding from me, yes I will snoop. But to be honest, I only really did that a couple of times.

In your case, I would simply just tell the step father that he is not being truthful with you and that you know it. I'd call him on it straight up. I think that in this case, your mother should be very involved. If it were my husband that was snooping around in a step daughters room like that I'd be very suspious of him and his intentions. I'm all for setting up the video camera.

 

[FairytailGlennMinis]

If he won't admit to it, then I would try the webcam thing just to prove it, personally. That said, I feel that it is a parent's right to be able to check on their kids and "snoop" as long as the kids live in their home. I can't tell you how many parents I know that wish they had had snooped a bit and could have intervened in their kids lives but they didn't know until too late that they needed to. Kids are the responsibility of the parents, plain and simple in my view. However, I think it should be your mother and not your step-father doing the checking if they feel a need to make sure you are safe.

-Amy

 

[Miniv]

If he won't admit to it, then I would try the webcam thing just to prove it, personally.  That said, I feel that it is a parent's right to be able to check on their kids and "snoop" as long as the kids live in their home.  I can't tell you how many parents I know that wish they had had snooped a bit and could have intervened in their kids lives but they didn't know until too late that they needed to.  Kids are the responsibility of the parents, plain and simple in my view.  However, I think it should be your mother and not your step-father doing the checking if they feel a need to make sure you are safe.
-Amy

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Thank you Amy! You said it better than I did -- quite a ways back......

If there's going to be any "snooping" it should be the MOM. It's inappropriate for the step-dad to be doing that sort of thing, in my opinion.

MA

 

[rabbitsfizz]

I understand Cindy's worries but there is another side to this. I had exactly this sort of problem with my Father- too many years ago to mention. BUT he was my genetic Father , and his problem was not aberrant, it was power, pure and simple. He would find something I wanted and take it away. And he would enter my room any time of the day or night, deliberately proving he could move into my space whenever he wanted. All the rooms in the house had locks and the first thing he did was take away all the keys, all of them, not even the toilet had a lock. When I got to about Jessica's age my Mother replaced the bathroom lock but it was made plain I was snot allowed to use it and would be in trouble if I did.

I do not think Stepdad is "off track" here, I think he may just be showing Jessica who is in charge in the way some men need to.

I think though, a counsellor should be involved just in case.

It is very easy to shout "fire"

It's not so easy to convince people it was a false alarm.

 

[Feather1414]

OH Jessica, I am SOOOOOO sorry for this. You know how I feel about kids and their privacy. After my mom read my diary thing, I kinda lost it. I have parental controls on my AOL account, that as you know, don't let me look at a lot of things, including the majority of the forum members websites! Heck, today I found out that on my account, I can no longer send an E-mail! BLAH!

 

[Jenn]

I'm closer to the original poster's age than most of you and yet, I have a far different perspective on this than all of the previous posters.

My view is this: His house, his rules. If he wants to go into your room, he can - it's his legal right to do so. And if you have nothing to hide, then you shouldn't be worried about it.

I am "mother" to my teenaged nephews (well, 12 and 16 years old) for at least a month each summer and many weekends throughout the year and you can be darned sure I check up on them regularly - everything from their rooms to their internet habits. I check the phone bill when it comes in after they've stayed here and I check the computer history often. I turn on the t.v. satellite and hit recall to see what they've been watching when I haven't been home. I also watch the mileage on all of our vehicles to make sure they haven't been driving off without us.

My diligence paid off this summer when I was checking the internet history and found some questionable google searches. My older nephew was immediately banned from the computer for the duration of the summer - I implemented passwords and took off the auto-password on our dial up so he simply couldn't get on the internet, even if he tried. I don't play three strikes, you're out with teenagers - they are old enough to know better. You have one chance with me and if you screw it up, that's it for you.

I discussed the matter with him and with his mother and I went so far as to go to his house to clean out his home computer of all questionable matter. I showed my sister in law how to check up on him and also showed her some of the sites he had been visiting that I felt he shouldn't have access to - one of which was banned by the Catholic school system (which he is a part of) just a couple of months later.

I was a teenager myself not that long ago and I do understand how you feel. However, now that I'm a grown up and about to become a mother myself, I also see the other side of the story. Your parents, and stepdad, are just trying to protect you and keep you safe. There are too many perverts out there - heck, some could even lurk on this forum - for a teen to be allowed to roam freely throughout the internet. No way in he!! will my kids ever have a computer or phone in their room, or a cellphone before they are 18 and can legally sign up for a contract.

You might say I have trust issues, and you're darn right. I know what kind of trouble I got into as a teen, and what trouble my husband got into. I don't want to see anyone else repeat those mistakes. I will likely be much stricter with my own children than my parents were with me (I was allowed a computer and a phone in my room when I was an older teen) because of my own screw ups and what I learned from them.

 

[Danielle_E.]

Well I am nowhere close to the poster's age. I am a mom of 3 grown kids and a grandaughter and everyone has and is turnout just fine. Jenn, if you come down so hard on kids, especially as teenagers, you ARE going to have mega problems because all they are going to do is rebel and rebel big time because you aren't even giving them an inch to move. They will feel so controlled that you will lose their total respect and perhaps permanently because it's something they will not forget. I think what is basically lacking today with parents and bringing up children is that the hectic pace we all lead isn't always optimum for the old fashion "COMMUNICATION". Everybody is too busy running here and there, to hockey or skate lessons, or this or that - they forget to interact and find out in an acceptable way and non-dehumanizing way (don't need to CONTROL it all) to deal with especially teenagers who are going through so much (their peers, their bodies changing, their way of thinking on issues, etc. etc). I think you can have a very healthy relationship and protect your kids without CONTROLLING every aspect of their lives. If your kids feel "comfortable" in coming to you with any problems they have that will be thanks to the nurturing relationship that has been fostered over their childhood years. I say parents have to give respect in order to get. Those that don't have shake their heads or ask "why" - they need to look at how they have handled situations in the past...

 

[Jess P]

I agree with Danielle. I feel really bad for your nephews.

 

[Jenn]

Danielle, maybe you missed the part where I said they have one chance with me. If they screw it up, they lose their privileges. If they continue on through life without messing up and breaking the trust, then they are okey-dokey in my books. But ONE CHANCE is all they get when they hit those teenage years and are old enough to know better.

If a kid is going to rebel, he or she will rebel anyway - regardless of if a parent is lenient or strict, a rebellious kid will rebel at the slightest excuse and without provocation. You can allow a rebellious kid every privilege in the world and they'll still find something to hate you for.

I think parents these days are too lenient. Keep a kid busy and they'll stay out of trouble - simply because they don't have enough time or energy to get into trouble. From the first year in junior high school, a child should be focused on his or her future and should be working towards getting into the right college, getting a good education and making something of themselves. There is no excuse for a lack of focus.

I would hope that as a parent, I will teach my children a good decision-making model that will allow them to make good choices throughout their lives. Children need to learn at a young age that their actions have consequences - positive or negative. Children who consider the repercussions of their choices before they make them generally stay out of trouble. Children who act without thinking are the ones who end up pregnant, hooked on drugs or in juvenile detention.

 

[Jenn]

I agree with Danielle. I feel really bad for your nephews.

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You shouldn't. They adore me - I'm their favorite aunt. Children, like horses, need to know their boundaries and who's boss. I have eight other nieces and nephews who also think I'm the best thing since sliced bread.

I must be doing something right ...

 

[capall beag]

Well, can you ask him why he is doing it?

My Dad woudl have never snooped or gone into my room. My Dad was always very respectful and he would have just straight up asked me if he was concerned I was doing something!

My Mum would have snooped

and she had good reason to most of the time! I was a naughty teenager, who constantly pushed the boudaries not because I did not love my parents but just because it was so much fun

Boy, do I hope my kids are not like me

I always loved my parents and respected them and I still have a wonderful, open relationship with them. OF course, they are my parents so there are things I don't tell them because they DON"T want to know!

I think it is important for parents to be aware of what their kids are doing but acheive this in a fair and respectful manner. I cannot, as a parent, expect respect if I do not show it.

I think this seems disrespectful to you and not really appropriate to have your Dad snooping in your room. I think if anyone should be doing it your Mum should not your Stepdad. Perhaps you can sit down and explain how you feel.'

Unfortunately, he may not show you the respect you deserve.

It is hard being a teenager and it is hard parenting a teenager

Hopefully, you can discuss it and come to a mutual agreement about what the boundaries are.

Everyone young and old need clearly defined boundaries in a home for it to run smoothly! Heck, even the 4 legged ones need them!!!!!!

I hope this can get resolved for you!

 

[ForMyACDs]

Sorry, but I have to agree with Jen. Tho' this man may be "only" your step-father he is in fact raising you and for all intents and purposes IS responsible for you. If you want true "privacy" you're going to have to wait until you are out of the house. When you live with your parents it is their house and THEIR rules. After all, if you do something your parents will be held responsible so it's only right that in order to do so they violate your percieved right to privacy.

I grew up with my mother and step-father and visited my real father on the weekends. My step-father may have not been my real parent, but he did in fact raise me in HIS home. Just because he isn't a real parent does not mean that his snooping is something that you need to rush to a school counselor to discuss......it's not like this person is a stranger (especially since he's been your step-father for 11 years now).

I'm appalled at the lax way many parents parent these days......it's no wonder there are so many issues. Allowing kids the same rights as adults is just wrong. These are kids......they will be adults when they can support themselves and live on their own. Until then, they have no "right to privacy" as far as their doings and belongings.

 

[Danielle_E.]

I agree with Danielle. I feel really bad for your nephews.

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I wasn't saying I felt bad for Jenn's nephews - I believe Jenn did the right thing in this case. What I was alluding to was what Jenn posted about after that, I felt it was rather STRONG. Every child is an individual and perhaps Jenn's son or daughter will not be like Jenn and do the things Jenn did, that is what I was saying. You have to not judge a person by what another person did. Lets say for example my sister did something horrible and people or my parents would have judged me because of what my sister did and came down hard on me for it. I think I would have been rather upset and more than likely acted out in rebellion of "just because she did I might do it" attitude.

 

[Danielle_E.]

Keep a kid busy and they'll stay out of trouble

Yes that will work for a time as long as the child is enjoying what you are keeping him/her busy with. If they dislike it and are forced to do - than they rebel as well. Parents now a days seem to put their child in all kinds of things, swimming, hockey/skating, arts, etc. etc. to the point where the entire family is run ragged with a crazy schedule and no time no be a "family" anymore. Meaning dinner times TOGETHER, just time to talk to see how everyone is doing, etc. etc. Our society is crazy now with this fast pace and out of control, must do or else..... It was easier I think growing up in my childhood days. Yes of course I had my "hobbies", one of which was horseback riding, dancing. I don't ever recall my parents "snooping" in my room for anything but then I didn't do anything that gave them the need to. All I am saying is unless it is warranted then it shouldn't be done and the child/teenager's privacy should be respected. Parent's shouldn't expect respect from their child/teenager if they can't reciprocate it.

 

[kaykay]

wow there are some strong words here!! please remember there are always two sides to every story. if i was you i would just sit down with your mom and step dad and talk about what is going on. have a family meeting!

i so agree with this statement

Children, like horses, need to know their boundaries and who's boss.

why do parents snoop?? because they love their kids thats why. as the mother of two teenage boys and two 20 yr old girls i can say the only time i have snooped is when they have given me reason to snoop. Id rather snoop thru a room then have a kid doing drugs in their bedroom and me not know it because i wanted to respect their privacy. better a live teenager mad at me then a dead one.

i watch everything my boys do online and they are not allowed computers in their bedrooms. its my job as a parent to parent them. not be their best friend. Im here to help them mature and guide them along the way. i cant guide them if they are on a computer alone and i have no clue who they are talking to or what sites they are looking at.

and danielle i also agree to people stopping the crazy schedules and putting their kids in EVERYTHING. and im a big believer in everyoen eating together. we sit down and eat every night as a family. no television is allowed and no one answers the phone.

kay