Teenagers!!!!

[MBhorses]

HELLO,

I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW OF ALL YOU PARENTS WHO HAVE TEENAGERS WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO REACH THEM. MY SON WHO IS 17 YRS OLD THINKS HE KNOWS EVERYTHING. MY SON THINKS HE IS HIS OWN BOSS AND WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. WE TAKE HIM TO CHURCH. WE ARE TRYING TO GET HIM TO LISTEN TO US, BUT YOU KNOW US PARENTS DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. I TRY TO GET HIM TO TALK TO US, BUT HE ALWAYS SAYS WE DON'T UNDERSTAND CHILDREN IN TODAY WORLD. I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE HE GETS A GOOD EDUCATION AND A GREAT JOB LATER IN LIFE. HE ALWAYS SAYS WHEN HE TURNS 18 YRS OLD HE IS MOVING OUT TO DO WHAT HE WANTS AND WHEN HE WANTS. :no: I TOLD HIM HE COULD LIVE HERE WITH US ALONG AS HE IS GOING TO SCHOOL. ALL YOU PARENTS WHO HAVE BEEN THERE AND ARE DURING WITH TEENAGERS WHAT IS WORKING BEST FOR YOU ALL.MY SON IS A GREAT CHILD AND DOES FAIRLY WELL IN SCHOOL.

HELP!

THANKS MELISSA

 

[Lisa-Ruff N Tuff Minis]

Well I have a 17 yr old.. she is a good student and all around good kid although like any teen stubborn, wanting to grow up yet still a child enough to make you rip your hair out like any good teen

:

I have to at this point IMO at her age give her the freedom to make her own choices some of them dont end up right and it is hard for me to not say I told you so. She has to likeI did and many of us make her own mistakes learn from her own experiences. I have to trust that she is the good kid I see and in reality a few months from now she will be in college and living on her own so I need to prepare her for that as well.

I am lucky in that we talk alot so I know what is going on in her life and in return for her giving me that trust I trust her and allow her to go out, stay out late on the nights she feels it is important that kinda thing.

 

[MBhorses]

Hello,

I am trying to let my son make his son choices good and bad, so he can learn. Teenagers think they know everything and us parents don't know nothing.Teenagers today are different from teenagers years ago. My daughter who just turn 12 yrs old has learn alot more in school then I ever learn about things, if you know what I mean.

thanks for helping,

melissa :saludando:

 

[strass]

Oh what a blessing teenagers are. Remember that patience is like a muscle and you have to exercise it to make it stronger.

I had custody of my teenage sister back when she was in High School (and wanting to drop out). She was a challenge to say the least. That’s how she ended up coming to live with me. Now, I have a son in Jr. High who is starting to test me as well.

One thing that parents fail to realize is that we do NOT understand kids nowadays. Sure, we were there once and we went thru about the same things as they do. However, we’ve long since moved on to deal with “Adult†issues and forgotten the feeling of being on the verge of becoming an adult. Teens always seem irrational to us because they make a big deal out of every last little thing. They want to be grown up and most think they already are. I believe that they do have the mental capacity, but simply lack practical experience. They also have a lot of hormonal changes that make their emotions difficult to deal with or even make sense of.

A more important point is to realize that your teen does NOT understand you. How could he? He’s only had a handful or years to figure things out whereas you have tried and failed and learned from more experiences than he could possibly comprehend. We want the best for them, but they can’t understand why us always “holding them down†is the right thing.

Remember: YOU ARE NOT COOL. Trust me. I was very cool in my youth and still am to my friends. To teenagers: Only adults who act like teenagers are cool. Cool is breaking the rules…you are the one who makes them. That’s OK. We all want our kids to “like†us. When they are 15 years older, they will. For now, it’s more important to be consistent and persistent.

Spending time with your teen can be a pain, but it’s also important. They usually don’t want to so you have to be a little forceful. Stop thinking of him as your precious little boy and start talking to him like the man you want him to become. It’s OK to explain to him why you want certain things. It’s also OK to just say, “because I said so†if he is being stubborn. Try to expain it later on when he feels more like listening. Oh, even if his friends might think so, to him, you are still NOT COOL. Hence, it’s nice if you can find things to do without his friends. That way he has to talk to you.

Give him some small freedoms at first. Explain to him that freedom is power and with power come responsibility. If he handles his power properly, it will grow. If not, it goes away. I always explain it to them this way: “I’ll be the first to pat your back when you do good things. I’ll also be the first to be up in your bid’ness when you do something wrong. At home, as in life, good things are rewarded…but not as vigorously as bad things are punished.†He may be too big to spank now, but there are other “rods†that we can’t spare.

Does he have a J-O-B? Does he pay for any of his own bills? I made it a point to have my sister sit down and help me with the budget. The concept of how far money doesn’t go was incomprehensible to her. She honestly believed that I should give her all the freedom in the world, not tell her what to do, and still support her financially. Hom-E don't play 'dat. You want to get...you learn to give.

Oh, one more thing. Someday...he'll have a pain in the rear kid tell him how parents don't understand kids. Remember that and you can smile when you picture him having to raise one just like him.

 

[FoRebel]

Here's my 2¢ on this subject.

I was a pain the the *** kid when I was a teen :new_shocked: . I thought that my mom was being WAY too tough... Which she was (I wasn't allowed to do anything... no dl, no riding w/friends, no staying at friends' houses... etc.).I basically couldn't do anythine without her... EVER! I HATED my mom. I still don't like her 100% now but that's because she tries to take over parenting my toddler when she should be relaxing and being a grandparent

: . I completely "get" where your son is coming from though. It doesn't matter if you're the cool parent or not. Teens just don't want to be around their parents. It isn't that they don't love you anymore it's just that they're trying to find their own wings.

Have some rules that your son needs to follow. If he has a job and a cell phone, make him pay for the extra it's costing you to have him on your plan. Make him pay his own car insurance.... I'm not saying make him pay for all of his stuff but give him some bills to pay... Just enough to make him realize what it means to be responsible. At the same time give him some freedom too. If he doesn't follow the rules, take some of his freedom. I still remember how hard it was to be a teen.... At the same time I know what it's like to be a parent and worry. (I had my son at 19 and he's 3 now.)

Remember, times change... parents weren't cool when you were a teen and they still aren't now that your son is a teen

: . Talk to him... listen to him... try to understand where he is in his life.... Try not to yell at him even when he yells at you.... And try to use "I feel" statements with him and have him do the same thing with you.

Try it.... let us know how it goes!

:

 

[Leeana]

Hmm well i can give you a teenagers point of view, i am 18 years old.

Okay, i'll tell you right off the bat i am one of those pain in the *ss kids. The hard truth is by the time you have lived in the house and put up with someone elses rules for 17 or 18 ..heck maybe even 19 yrs ...you tend to want to make your own especially when the things you like have been limited due to those rules. When you reach the years (normally 14-20ys old im guessing) ..you kind of just say ''im old enough to know whats best for me, im not dieing from what im doing ..i'm big enough to do what i want when i want how i want" ..or atleast i said that lol. I think that its soo true that parents today dont know how different there children are living and being brought up (not just by parents ..by teachers ..friends ..everyobe) then they were. Your not the only one teaching your kid how to act anymore by the time there at that age.

The worse thing you could do is fight and yell and scream at him. That just makes things so much worse and will make him want to move out sooner. Talking calm and sitting down isnt always the best option either through his eyes im guessing. Maybe watch a movie together and have a talk, it may not be eye to eye but atleast your talking ..you know what i mean?

I think im old (plus legally old enough :lol to make my own decisions as long as it doesnt hurt me. I'm home at night before i gets dark and im not doing any illegal ..just out with my friends. I got to the point one yr that i didnt want to even come home bc 'the talk' was waiting, its so frustrating for us to hear the same thing over and over and over. Now im getting to the age where i listen to most of what they say out of respect. I personally think he's just talking, i think he is prob just blowing off steam saying he will move out when he turns 18. You have to be strict ..but fair at the same time. I bet by the time he is 18 he wont want to move out, i almost garentee it. Know how many times i said when i was 18 im moving out and when im 16 and get my license i will never be home ....HA never happened lol.

BTW: Strass ...maybe you should write a book, i enjoyed your post :lol:

 

[RJRMINIS]

Oh what a blessing teenagers are. Remember that patience is like a muscle and you have to exercise it to make it stronger.

I had custody of my teenage sister back when she was in High School (and wanting to drop out). She was a challenge to say the least. That’s how she ended up coming to live with me. Now, I have a son in Jr. High who is starting to test me as well.

One thing that parents fail to realize is that we do NOT understand kids nowadays. Sure, we were there once and we went thru about the same things as they do. However, we’ve long since moved on to deal with “Adult†issues and forgotten the feeling of being on the verge of becoming an adult. Teens always seem irrational to us because they make a big deal out of every last little thing. They want to be grown up and most think they already are. I believe that they do have the mental capacity, but simply lack practical experience. They also have a lot of hormonal changes that make their emotions difficult to deal with or even make sense of.

A more important point is to realize that your teen does NOT understand you. How could he? He’s only had a handful or years to figure things out whereas you have tried and failed and learned from more experiences than he could possibly comprehend. We want the best for them, but they can’t understand why us always “holding them down†is the right thing.

Remember: YOU ARE NOT COOL. Trust me. I was very cool in my youth and still am to my friends. To teenagers: Only adults who act like teenagers are cool. Cool is breaking the rules…you are the one who makes them. That’s OK. We all want our kids to “like†us. When they are 15 years older, they will. For now, it’s more important to be consistent and persistent.

Spending time with your teen can be a pain, but it’s also important. They usually don’t want to so you have to be a little forceful. Stop thinking of him as your precious little boy and start talking to him like the man you want him to become. It’s OK to explain to him why you want certain things. It’s also OK to just say, “because I said so†if he is being stubborn. Try to expain it later on when he feels more like listening. Oh, even if his friends might think so, to him, you are still NOT COOL. Hence, it’s nice if you can find things to do without his friends. That way he has to talk to you.

Give him some small freedoms at first. Explain to him that freedom is power and with power come responsibility. If he handles his power properly, it will grow. If not, it goes away. I always explain it to them this way: “I’ll be the first to pat your back when you do good things. I’ll also be the first to be up in your bid’ness when you do something wrong. At home, as in life, good things are rewarded…but not as vigorously as bad things are punished.†He may be too big to spank now, but there are other “rods†that we can’t spare.

Does he have a J-O-B? Does he pay for any of his own bills? I made it a point to have my sister sit down and help me with the budget. The concept of how far money doesn’t go was incomprehensible to her. She honestly believed that I should give her all the freedom in the world, not tell her what to do, and still support her financially. Hom-E don't play 'dat. You want to get...you learn to give.

Oh, one more thing. Someday...he'll have a pain in the rear kid tell him how parents don't understand kids. Remember that and you can smile when you picture him having to raise one just like him.

:aktion033: Strass I enjoyed reading your post!!!!!!!!!!! Very good advice!

 

[MBhorses]

I would like to thank you all for your advice. My son is a blessing.

: I just don't want my son to make some of the same mistakes I made as a teenager.As a parent you always want better for your children.

take care,

melissa

 

[MBhorses]

THANKS FOR TELLING US ABOUT YOUR TEENAGERS. THANK YOU TEENAGERS FOR TALKING WITH US AS WELL. I PRAY MY SON MAKES GOOD CHOICES. I PRAY HE FINISHS HIGH SCHOOL.HE IS INTO CARS AND LOUD MUSIC RIGHT NOW.

TAKE CARE,

MELISSA

 

[Miniv]

When I was a pre-teen and teenager my mom would sit me down at the kitchen table with a glass of soda, hot chocolate and we would talk. The rule between us was that whatever was put on the table STAYED on the table.........She gave her advice, but she didn't judge and didn't punish with whatever was shared at the table.

I tried to do the same for our teenaged foster daughters.......and hope to be able to do it for our now 9 year old.......

Looking back, having that table of "non-judgement" with my mom to share with meant a lot. And she didn't know it, but she ended up doing it with several of my friends too, because they couldn't talk to their OWN moms without getting yelled at.

MA

 

[Cara]

this may help!im not sure! im 15 going on 16 ! and i went through that! i never wanted to talk to my rents! till i talked to my school youth worker! it helped alot! maybe he will talk to someone like that? i have a 17 year old sister that was on her way to bording school and it helped her !! maybe it will help him! you know to feel like he has someone to turn to that won't tell anyone but you!!

 

[TangoMango]

One word.........CELIBACY......Oh wait, too late for that...LOL....

If you ever do find out the answer. pleaeessse let me know. My 14 y/o daughter can sure drive me NUTS!

:

 

[shane]

STRASS where have you been? i love your posts........

good luck on raising your teen

my daughters only seven, and i dread the teen years,.....

i do think though if your overly strict they will just be more determined to pull away from you...i think strass has got great advise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Ashley]

The simple fact is he is going to make mistakes and he has to to learn.

I also agree with givenig him some bills.

As soon as I got my first job(16) I started paying for my own car issurance, regardless if I had a car I was on my moms policy and paid my part. When I graduated, if I chose to stay home I paid rent(age 17-19). By the time I was 19 I was fully on my own with a good self supporting job.

HOwever..................I did have to talk to my mom today. We are not a talkative family. HOwever I did have to let her know that I find out today if I still have a job after the holidays or if I am permantly laid off. Because if that happens its going to be a very rough ride for me here.

 

[Marty]

Melissa, I should get the award for frazzled mothers.

Teenagers just do not come with instructions.

And neither do parents.

So it's a matter of just doing the best you can.

In my case, I don't think I would have done a whole lot different with my boys because I know that in Michael's case, he always did the right thing in the end when push came to shove. I tore my hair out with those boys for years, but you know what? They never hurt anybody, they never turned into criminals, they never used drugs or drank alcohol. And to this day, everywhere I go, people will stop me just to tell me of how Michael had helped them with this and that and what a good kid he was. Last week a lady told me that he was the only one to stop and help her push her car to the side of the road when it was stuck out of gas. Then he went to the dollar store and bought her a gas can, and took her for gas and brought her back to her car. And that made him late to get to school, for which he got in trouble for. I hear this kind of thing all the time.

And I know all about "that mouth" and the wanting to be bossy, and independant and know so darn much more than we do.

I learned early on to pick and choose my battles wisely. I do not pick at every little thing. At 17, they are still kids, but not little ones anymore.

Melissa I wouldn't force my kids to go to Church. I feel that is a personal choice for them. One liked to go, the other one does not so he is not forced to do that.

As far as the moving out, Michael never wanted to leave, but Daniel does, because he is just so alone now here. So this is what I did with Daniel: A little experiment.

We called an ad in the paper about a place for him to rent. We sat down at the table with pencil and paper and did the math.

Rent was $300. Then he needed first, & last month & security, Ok, now we have $900 just to get in. And that was a dumpy broke down single wide trailer in a really bad part of town. Probably crawling with rats and bugs.

Then power hook up initial was $65. And phone was $55.

Then there is a matter of food, gas for the car, and insurance.

And where's the job? And how much does that pay?

Ok so now we can do it if we split the rent with roomates. Ok fine. Who do you know that is really not going to run the phone bill up to thousands on long distance or something and really not stick you holding the bag when they get fired from their job and can't pay their part of the rent?

And how are you going to manage all that and still go to college?

Well Melissa, of course I don't want to let my only child leave home when he turns 18. But what I am saying to you is don't argue back and forth about it now. Let him talk. Talk is cheap. Cross one bridge at a time, when the time comes.

I find the less I fight it, the less he brings it up. And the more freedom I give, the less he brings it up. You can't keep them on a leash under your nose all the time or they will feel like they are being treated like babies and want to get away from you. They want to go out and be with friends .

Dan has got freedom to go out with his friends on weekends as long as his grades are good. He now has a cell phone so we know where he is and who he is with all the time. If his grades drop again, he goes no where until they are brought back up. It's give and take.

 

[MBhorses]

MARTY,

I WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR TALKING ABOUT YOUR BOYS TO ME. I AM TRYING TO GIVE AND TAKE, BUT SOMETIMES IT IS HARD. I AM A LITTLE LESS HARD ON HIM THEN MY HUSBAND IS. MY SON THINKS HE IS ON A LEASE ALREADY, BUT EVER TIME WE GIVE HIM MORE FREEDOM HE DOES SOMETHING HE ISN'T SUPPOSE TO. WE TELL HIM TO BE IN AT A TIME AND HE MIGHT BE 5 MIN LATE. MY SON SAYS IT IS ONLY 5 MIN. ALSO HE SAID ONE TIME HE WAS SOMEWHERE IS WASN'T. I TOLD MY SON HE NEEDS TO TELL WHERE HE IS YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT COULD HAPPEN TO US OR HIM.MY AUNT LOST HER SON A FEW YEARS AGO, HE WAS SOMEWHERE HE WASN'T SUPPOSE TO ME CAN GOT SHOT BY A CROSS FIRE. THE SHOTER WAS TRYING TO SHOT SOMEONE ELSE AND MY COUSIN GOT SHOT AND DIED.MY COUSIN WAS ONLY RIDING BY A CLUB WHEN THE TWO GUYS WHERE SHOTTING EACH OTHER, MY COUSIN GOT SHOT WHILE HE WAS IN HIS CAR. :no: MY AUNT ASK HIM ALOT NOT TO RIDE BY THE CLUBS, BUT HE TOLD HIS MOM I WILL BE OKAY HE ALWAYS SAID. MY SON HASN'T BEEN TO CLUBS, BUT I WAS JUST SHOWING YOU ALL WHY I WORRY ABOUT HIM. NO DAYS YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT GOING TO HAPPEN OUT THERE IN THE BIG WORLD.I KNOW ALL PARENTS WORRY ABOUT THIER CHILDREN NO MATTER WHAT AGE THEY ARE.WE HAVE CUSTODY OF MY NEICE WHO IS 9 YRS OLD,BECAUSE HER MOTHER DIED IN A CAR ACCIDENT(HER MOTHER WAS OUT LATE WITH HER FRIENDS AND RUN OUT OF GAS ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD)SHE WAS HIT BY A DRUNK DRIVER MY NEICE WAS ONLY 2 YS AT THE TIME.MY NEICE FATHER IS NOT ABLE TO CARE FOR HER, SO WE HAVE HAD CUSTODY OF HER FOR 2 YRS NOW.

TAKE CARE,

MELISSA

 

[Reble]

Great advice here..

Well my children are all grown, up at least they think they are.

What we used to do is write up a contract at the terrible teenage life.

Consequence for breaking the rules...

We sat down, Dad, Me and the child and made up the rules and consequences and everyone signed it. Posted it in their room.

Instead of yelling and out of control motions, we would say go read the rules. Even with a very good excuse for being late just kept repeating read the rules read the rules read the rules.

I guess you get the picture.... No one can argue if you don't.

Hubby & I found this worked for us.

Just a view example:::

No telephone calls coming in after 10:00 p.m. they could phone out till morning but none coming in.

If a friend called after the time, I answered and said sorry cannot talk tonight. Went in and phone taken away for that night.

Late coming home even 5 minutes, next night no going out.

Yelling or swearing in anger, in their rooms for 5 minutes time out, yes even in their teens.

It did work for us, and a lot nicer home environment...

Surprise your teenager can make good consequences for their mistakes

:

 

[misfitminis]

I was a sneaky teenager. I am about to have our first child. I am very afraid that my child will do the same stupid things I did. What helped me was realizing how fortunate I was by helping those that were less fortunate and by having animals to take care of daily. I learned to help others and how to take care of animals from my parents and grandparents. I could go on all day about the stupid things I did as a teenager. I suggest charity work and daily responsibilies that include animals.

 

[MBhorses]

Karla,

Great speach :aktion033: :aktion033: I will have to remember it all.

thanks melissa

:

 

[^T-bird89^]

Well, I'm not a parent, but I am a 17 year old myself. I went through these stages myself- a little earlier though. I would lose my temper easily, i hated chores, and i told my mom the same thing about leaving at 18 and she has the same philosophy as you. However, I got over it and I'm just fine now. I don't know how to explain it or how i can help, but I think what works best is to be open and try to let him make choices for himself, give him some breathing room and let him do the things he wants every now and then (just don't let him take advantage as u are still the parent). Like I said, it is just a phase and it should soon pass. How long it takes depends on the kid- I'm sure it takes longer for boys than girls because my step-brother that is the same age as I am still has that attitude, and i am over the whole thing. Goo Luck!