THE REFRIDGERATOR
In my 20 years of marriage, I have only had one new appliance which is my gas stove. It's not even self cleaning. Every other appliance I have has always been a yard sale find for $40 or less and that explains why I have had 12 refrigerators in 20 years. Our last one was the eyesore of all time but I liked it of course because it worked. It had rust and nastys on it that couldn't be cleaned off so I covered them up with magnets, calendars, and report cards.
In August it began to make noises that were loud enough to wake you all up. It buzzed and squealed and growled and then it developed a burp. It required not one kick or two or three to stop it, but four to five kicks plus a couple of punches before it behaved and would shut up. By September it began to walk about the kitchen floor which is on a bit of a slant in this old house and I'd have to shove it back where it belonged about twice a week.
By October, it began to take on a life of it's own by peeing all over the floor. It would take 3 or 4 towels to sop up the mess and that happened about twice a week too.
Last week, it just up and died. I noticed that when I opened up the freezer door to find my coffee ice cream in liquid form running all over the freezer compartment. When I opened up the refrigerator part, it stunk...... all the food was going bad and ready to grow penicillin.
I fretted that Hus would just tell me to start yard saleing but to my shock and joy, he told me to get dressed because we were going out to buy a brand new refrigaerator !!!!!!!! You mean we are going to .............use " the card?" We never use "the card"..........that is for emergencies only and it's under lock and key in the lock box. Well, Hus deemed this an "emergency"....... After I nearly fainted, I hurried to change into my dress up clothes which consist of my new black sweat pants, my brand new red Christmas sweater with matching scarf, hat, gloves and knit hatty. I was going to be styling in the big city of Chattanooga to find my brand new refrigerator. We'd stop by the school and pick up our love child because this is one family event that he would not want to miss out on and he was in his last class anyhow. But of all the days we chose for this to happen, it had been raining and doing a light version of flurries. None the less, over the mountain we traveled to the big city.
First stop was Home Depot, but that didn't work out because everything there had to be ordered and we wanted one today. Had to have one today. Second stop was Lowes and oh my........most of all the new refrigerators are stainless steel and look so modern and way too pricey. Surely they were out of the question. Not for us and certainly not for our little modest mountain home. That would be ridiculous because it would look so out of place in our home. But would I dare consider it ??? Nah.... I headed to the white ones. The boring, normal, white ones. The kind I have had since the day I was born. The little white ones would match our country plaid home style kitchen and that made the best sense but I wanted to ask the love child. Where'd he go? Oh geesh.....he took off to flirt with cashiers old enough to be.........too old! The junior stud muffin doesn't waste any time. He wasn't going to be much help and the Hus didn't care what I choose. And then I found myself moon-walking backwards as I sometimes do, lingering more and more back towards those stainless steel refrigerators for a second look. And then a third look and found some that were more in our price range. And then I went crazy, real crazy when I saw something that i never saw in person before except on TV. The kind of refrigerator that had a thing on the front that gives you ice cubes and water without opening up the door. Surely not! This is way out of our league. But as far as price went, you could get one of those for the same price as you could a white one and then Hus's contractor's discount was a bonus too. So here we are, buying a brand new appliance, with a warranty, a $50. rebate for good behavior I guess, and another monthly bill to go with it, just like real people. What a great day.
And so it came to pass, that it took three guys to load and secure this brand new stainless steel appliance that looks like part of the Jetsons space home in the back of my transmission challenged truck all while it is now raining and pouring buckets and a wind advisory has just been issued for 40+ mph winds over the mountain. Didn't realize that when you transport a refrigerator it should be in the upright position and not laid down and that caused the first problem. That thing was tall, really, really tall standing up so proud and shinny in the back of the truck. It towered over the top of the cab by a few good feet but was tied and secured very well, we hoped. And off we went on our 50+ mile trek back home on a variety of back roads across the valley trying to stay protected from the winds by the mountains on either side of us until we ran out of back roads and were forced to finally get on the interstate. As soon as that happened, the incredible WOOSH from the winds jolted the refrigerator and it felt like it was teetering. Hus had to pull over some 6 or 7 times to keep checking it and there he was, doing the same exact 40 MPH on the interstate exactly like I do, and what he tells me never to do. It was quite a tedious trip home.
The last part of the trip was the worst when we headed up the steepest part of our mountain road in which our truck pretty much goes into a vertical position and for a while the three of us were scared stiff that we'd loose our new refridgerator once and for all. As Hus nursed the truck up the mountain you could hear a pin drop as we were so silent until I hollered out "Why the heck didn't we get this thing delivered?" And then I was told appropriately to shut up. .
As we backed the truck up to the back door of the house the temperature seemed to drop and here came the flurries or some type of precipitating frozen ice burgs and it was really cold and child was screaming for me to get his big black puff jacket. He had turned pink in his cute freckle face. Hus and he began to unload the new Jetson style refrigerator but the truck was too high and the ground was too low. It finally came reeling out on their backs nearly smashing my them like pancakes. Then it was finally time to bring it inside and son of a gun, it won't fit through the door. Back up on the truck it went and by this time, my family members backs had been broken. Still with the wind, the cold and the ice bergs, around to the front porch goes the truck with my new modern appliance because we just know it's going to fit in the front door. Well, it didn't and now we are all stuck out on the front porch freezing and wet and exchanging a multitude of interesting phrases that should not be repeated. Someone was being a potty mouth. Then came a couple of rounds of "Where's my this tool and who took my that tool and why won't people put tools back where they are supposed to be"? And rushing back and forth to the tool boxes and the garage trying to get the appropriate tools to remove the refrigerator door and the screen door and front door on the house. So after some 40 minutes of fumbling and freezing for this tool and that tool, off came the doors and the Jetson style refrigerator finally entered it's new humble abode. It rolled quite gracefully across my living room floor but when it got to the kitchen, oh shucky darn, it made a few rips in the venal flooring. That's ok I figured,. they match the rest of the rips in the vinyl flooring. And then I noticed.......it doesn't look right in this kitchen. HUH? Yup, looks pretty dumb like way too new and way too big like a monstrosity. Looks like it's going to take up half the kitchen and well, I new right then I should have gone yard saleing after all and now I have buyers remorse. So I tell the Hus my inner-most deep feelings that I don't think this is the right refrigerator for us and he replies "I'll pretend I did not hear that".
As we pushed it into position, oh oh.........NOW WHAT???? It doesn't fit. It is way way way too big to fit in the designated refrigerator space. This thing is huger that we all could have ever expected. It is the grandmother of all refrigerators. It didn't look that big in the store when it was next to all the others. But it's too tall and won't slide under the cabinet. It's too wide for our skinny and tight galley kitchen and you can barely pass by it to get to the sink, stove and counter without having to turn your body sideways or you'll smack your hip on the edge of the counter. It is sticking out 4 inches to much this way and it's 3 inches too high. And so blurts out Hus to save face "I told you it was too big" .........Oh he did not! He did not say a word about size. And then he zeros in on my open purse that is on the kitchen table and I knew what was coming next:
Hus: What is that ?
Me: What is what?
Hus: That tape measure I see in your purse
Me: I dunno
Hus: What's that tape measure doing in there?
Me: It's living there
Hus: If you keep a tape measure with you, why didn't you measure this?
Me: I dunno
Somehow I just knew this was going to be all my fault. So now the debate is on as to rip the cabinet off of the wall and leave and open hunk of unpainted ceiling and wall for now or to try to cut the cabinet down to size. We opt to take down the cabinet because we are going to remodel the kitchen anyhow in about 10 or 20 years so do I care what the ceiling and back wall look like?
Now the Hus has gone under the house freezing himself to pieces to hook up the ice maker thingy to the water. And then the wait is on. We are waiting for ice to be made and that will take a while. It's been a long day so after dinner we went to bed. About 3 hours into my sweet dreams I am woken up by a little crash noise then a couple of barking dogs that reside here. Seems like the ice maker is working just fine and every time it makes some, the dogs bark. Ok, that is nuts, but they'll get over it.
Well anyhow, I have a brand new refrigerator and it's actually giving us ice and water through this wonderful porthole that ejects it out the front door. Hus and the Child and I are elated and we're off to go shopping for food to fill it up !!!!!
Meet Big Bertha
The End.
In my 20 years of marriage, I have only had one new appliance which is my gas stove. It's not even self cleaning. Every other appliance I have has always been a yard sale find for $40 or less and that explains why I have had 12 refrigerators in 20 years. Our last one was the eyesore of all time but I liked it of course because it worked. It had rust and nastys on it that couldn't be cleaned off so I covered them up with magnets, calendars, and report cards.
In August it began to make noises that were loud enough to wake you all up. It buzzed and squealed and growled and then it developed a burp. It required not one kick or two or three to stop it, but four to five kicks plus a couple of punches before it behaved and would shut up. By September it began to walk about the kitchen floor which is on a bit of a slant in this old house and I'd have to shove it back where it belonged about twice a week.
By October, it began to take on a life of it's own by peeing all over the floor. It would take 3 or 4 towels to sop up the mess and that happened about twice a week too.
Last week, it just up and died. I noticed that when I opened up the freezer door to find my coffee ice cream in liquid form running all over the freezer compartment. When I opened up the refrigerator part, it stunk...... all the food was going bad and ready to grow penicillin.
I fretted that Hus would just tell me to start yard saleing but to my shock and joy, he told me to get dressed because we were going out to buy a brand new refrigaerator !!!!!!!! You mean we are going to .............use " the card?" We never use "the card"..........that is for emergencies only and it's under lock and key in the lock box. Well, Hus deemed this an "emergency"....... After I nearly fainted, I hurried to change into my dress up clothes which consist of my new black sweat pants, my brand new red Christmas sweater with matching scarf, hat, gloves and knit hatty. I was going to be styling in the big city of Chattanooga to find my brand new refrigerator. We'd stop by the school and pick up our love child because this is one family event that he would not want to miss out on and he was in his last class anyhow. But of all the days we chose for this to happen, it had been raining and doing a light version of flurries. None the less, over the mountain we traveled to the big city.
First stop was Home Depot, but that didn't work out because everything there had to be ordered and we wanted one today. Had to have one today. Second stop was Lowes and oh my........most of all the new refrigerators are stainless steel and look so modern and way too pricey. Surely they were out of the question. Not for us and certainly not for our little modest mountain home. That would be ridiculous because it would look so out of place in our home. But would I dare consider it ??? Nah.... I headed to the white ones. The boring, normal, white ones. The kind I have had since the day I was born. The little white ones would match our country plaid home style kitchen and that made the best sense but I wanted to ask the love child. Where'd he go? Oh geesh.....he took off to flirt with cashiers old enough to be.........too old! The junior stud muffin doesn't waste any time. He wasn't going to be much help and the Hus didn't care what I choose. And then I found myself moon-walking backwards as I sometimes do, lingering more and more back towards those stainless steel refrigerators for a second look. And then a third look and found some that were more in our price range. And then I went crazy, real crazy when I saw something that i never saw in person before except on TV. The kind of refrigerator that had a thing on the front that gives you ice cubes and water without opening up the door. Surely not! This is way out of our league. But as far as price went, you could get one of those for the same price as you could a white one and then Hus's contractor's discount was a bonus too. So here we are, buying a brand new appliance, with a warranty, a $50. rebate for good behavior I guess, and another monthly bill to go with it, just like real people. What a great day.
And so it came to pass, that it took three guys to load and secure this brand new stainless steel appliance that looks like part of the Jetsons space home in the back of my transmission challenged truck all while it is now raining and pouring buckets and a wind advisory has just been issued for 40+ mph winds over the mountain. Didn't realize that when you transport a refrigerator it should be in the upright position and not laid down and that caused the first problem. That thing was tall, really, really tall standing up so proud and shinny in the back of the truck. It towered over the top of the cab by a few good feet but was tied and secured very well, we hoped. And off we went on our 50+ mile trek back home on a variety of back roads across the valley trying to stay protected from the winds by the mountains on either side of us until we ran out of back roads and were forced to finally get on the interstate. As soon as that happened, the incredible WOOSH from the winds jolted the refrigerator and it felt like it was teetering. Hus had to pull over some 6 or 7 times to keep checking it and there he was, doing the same exact 40 MPH on the interstate exactly like I do, and what he tells me never to do. It was quite a tedious trip home.
The last part of the trip was the worst when we headed up the steepest part of our mountain road in which our truck pretty much goes into a vertical position and for a while the three of us were scared stiff that we'd loose our new refridgerator once and for all. As Hus nursed the truck up the mountain you could hear a pin drop as we were so silent until I hollered out "Why the heck didn't we get this thing delivered?" And then I was told appropriately to shut up. .
As we backed the truck up to the back door of the house the temperature seemed to drop and here came the flurries or some type of precipitating frozen ice burgs and it was really cold and child was screaming for me to get his big black puff jacket. He had turned pink in his cute freckle face. Hus and he began to unload the new Jetson style refrigerator but the truck was too high and the ground was too low. It finally came reeling out on their backs nearly smashing my them like pancakes. Then it was finally time to bring it inside and son of a gun, it won't fit through the door. Back up on the truck it went and by this time, my family members backs had been broken. Still with the wind, the cold and the ice bergs, around to the front porch goes the truck with my new modern appliance because we just know it's going to fit in the front door. Well, it didn't and now we are all stuck out on the front porch freezing and wet and exchanging a multitude of interesting phrases that should not be repeated. Someone was being a potty mouth. Then came a couple of rounds of "Where's my this tool and who took my that tool and why won't people put tools back where they are supposed to be"? And rushing back and forth to the tool boxes and the garage trying to get the appropriate tools to remove the refrigerator door and the screen door and front door on the house. So after some 40 minutes of fumbling and freezing for this tool and that tool, off came the doors and the Jetson style refrigerator finally entered it's new humble abode. It rolled quite gracefully across my living room floor but when it got to the kitchen, oh shucky darn, it made a few rips in the venal flooring. That's ok I figured,. they match the rest of the rips in the vinyl flooring. And then I noticed.......it doesn't look right in this kitchen. HUH? Yup, looks pretty dumb like way too new and way too big like a monstrosity. Looks like it's going to take up half the kitchen and well, I new right then I should have gone yard saleing after all and now I have buyers remorse. So I tell the Hus my inner-most deep feelings that I don't think this is the right refrigerator for us and he replies "I'll pretend I did not hear that".
As we pushed it into position, oh oh.........NOW WHAT???? It doesn't fit. It is way way way too big to fit in the designated refrigerator space. This thing is huger that we all could have ever expected. It is the grandmother of all refrigerators. It didn't look that big in the store when it was next to all the others. But it's too tall and won't slide under the cabinet. It's too wide for our skinny and tight galley kitchen and you can barely pass by it to get to the sink, stove and counter without having to turn your body sideways or you'll smack your hip on the edge of the counter. It is sticking out 4 inches to much this way and it's 3 inches too high. And so blurts out Hus to save face "I told you it was too big" .........Oh he did not! He did not say a word about size. And then he zeros in on my open purse that is on the kitchen table and I knew what was coming next:
Hus: What is that ?
Me: What is what?
Hus: That tape measure I see in your purse
Me: I dunno
Hus: What's that tape measure doing in there?
Me: It's living there
Hus: If you keep a tape measure with you, why didn't you measure this?
Me: I dunno
Somehow I just knew this was going to be all my fault. So now the debate is on as to rip the cabinet off of the wall and leave and open hunk of unpainted ceiling and wall for now or to try to cut the cabinet down to size. We opt to take down the cabinet because we are going to remodel the kitchen anyhow in about 10 or 20 years so do I care what the ceiling and back wall look like?
Now the Hus has gone under the house freezing himself to pieces to hook up the ice maker thingy to the water. And then the wait is on. We are waiting for ice to be made and that will take a while. It's been a long day so after dinner we went to bed. About 3 hours into my sweet dreams I am woken up by a little crash noise then a couple of barking dogs that reside here. Seems like the ice maker is working just fine and every time it makes some, the dogs bark. Ok, that is nuts, but they'll get over it.
Well anyhow, I have a brand new refrigerator and it's actually giving us ice and water through this wonderful porthole that ejects it out the front door. Hus and the Child and I are elated and we're off to go shopping for food to fill it up !!!!!
Meet Big Bertha
The End.
