lvponies
Well-Known Member
Thank you very much for thinking of me!!! This week has been somewhat better then last week, but I've still had some times where I broke down and lost it. Been doing alot of objective thinking when the emotions don't butt in. I really think this break up will be best for both of us. Looking back over the years, Allen & I loved each other, but never truly loved each other in the way soul mates or spouses should love each other. We have affection for each other due to our long history together, but no passionate love for each other if that makes sense? I made a list of all the things I felt Allen had done wrong during the marriage (in my opinion). In reviewing the list, I've come to the conclusion that the man is unable to emotionally connect with me or possibly anyone. He has never been there emotionally for me or his children. He's told me many, many times throughout the years that this is who he is and he cannot change. I know he's cared for me, but as I read through the list I realize how many times throughout the years when he wasn't there for me or our children. He just wasn't there for any of the milestones in our lives or even for the day to day stuff. I did it all in taking care of the children and the house. I'm the one who was there when the kids had a school function or when they needed a hug. I dealt with unforseen situations when they came up alone. When the kids or I were sad, we were never given hugs or encouragement. Honestly, even though we've been married going on 18 years, I was alone and lonely the entire time. Yes, he was definitely there when things needed doing.....hay, fence, fixing stuff, but he was never there emotionally for me. I equated him doing stuff for me and our home as how he expressed his love. He is not someone I would ever go to to talk about my problems or feelings and he never talked about his feelings ever. He never touched me casually, no hugs, no kisses just because, no hand holding. I am a physical person and tried for the longest time to reach out for him, but when it wasn't returned, eventually gave up. He never enjoyed my company, wasn't happy to see me or the kids at the end of the day, we did very, very little together and rarely went out socially. We were basically roommates through the years. There just wasn't an emotional attachment between the 2 of us. My daughters have suffered and feel that he doesn't love them or care for them. I'm just so sorry that my eyes were closed for so long and didn't realize how much they needed their father's love and attention and how much they were suffering for not receiving it. He was here physically, but not here for us, if that makes sense. He's really a very good person inside, but is unable to let that wonderful person come out. At least to me. I really truly think that he will be unable to let it out for anyone. Maybe if he got professional help he could possibly one day be able to connect with someone, but don't think he will ever be able to do it on his own. He's told me that he's not "in love" with me and feels that he is unable to be "in love" with anyone. Looking back through the years, I believe that. He was very good to me, dependable and trustworthy, but there was a huge chunk of what a marriage should be that was missing between us.
So....it's best that he leaves.....for both of us. I admire his courage for realizing that even though we have all these years together, we were never truly happy together. I have pledged to overcome any fear I have of the future alone as I have always been truly alone anyway. There was just another body in the house. I keep telling myself that I've been strong all these years and will be strong going forward. There really won't be much difference in him being here or being gone. We talked the other night. He has committed to doing things around the house before he leaves. Alot of these things need to be done outside and it's just too cold right now and they can only be done during weekends anyway. Told him he could go ahead and leave when he wants. He doesn't have to wait til spring. He said he would think about it. He has arranged to stay with a single man he works with who lives about 10-15 minutes away. He said he wanted to be close in case we need anything. I would prefer that he just go and start his new life. I hope in time that he realizes what he has thrown away and regrets it. I will never take him back unless he came back a changed man. Through all this, I have realized what was lacking in our relationship and have determined that I would rather have no man at all then what he & I had together. I am hoping to one day (way in the future!) to find a man who loves me totally. Who wants to be with me and enjoys my company. Who accepts me as I am and loves me anyway. If I never find that man, that will be ok too. I can't be any lonelier alone then I was the past 19 years. Just to let you know.....I absolutely do NOT blame all this on Allen. There is plenty of guilt and regret riding in a pack on my back too. My main failing, I feel, is that he told me time & time again that he is who he is and was unable to change. I accepted that and never really pushed for change. I loved the wonderful soul he is inside and adapted to the rest. I honestly do not feel that we can truly change anyone. Either we accept them as is, or we determine we can't accept them and move on. It's an absolute waste of time to try to mold someone into what you think or feel they should be. They are what they are!!
Anyway.......My daughter and I did join the gym that's nearby this week. We went to a step aerobics class that enforced how truly old and out of shape I am. I made it through the class and was just happy not to have a coronary!!! I have lost 11 pounds so far. Still watching what I eat and working on the ab lounge everyday. I am going to Lowes today to look at paint for the kitchen and try to pick out a new floor. Allen has asked a friend to help him put down the new floor in the kitchen and possibly a new floor in the main bathroom too. Need to get the kitchen painted before the floor can be put in as I'm not the best painter!!!
I feel that I'm going to be ok. Might even be better alone. When you're alone without your spouse, you don't have to waste all that time wishing & hoping for someone to give you the love you need when they are incapable of doing so. I wish Allen the best and hopes he find the happiness he seeks. I feel that he won't find it until he works on himself and finds happiness within himself first. Don't know if he will ever figure that out or not, but there is nothing I can do for him in that regard.
Thank you for thinking of me and checking in with me!!! Things are getting better with me and I have hope that the future will be even better!!!!
So....it's best that he leaves.....for both of us. I admire his courage for realizing that even though we have all these years together, we were never truly happy together. I have pledged to overcome any fear I have of the future alone as I have always been truly alone anyway. There was just another body in the house. I keep telling myself that I've been strong all these years and will be strong going forward. There really won't be much difference in him being here or being gone. We talked the other night. He has committed to doing things around the house before he leaves. Alot of these things need to be done outside and it's just too cold right now and they can only be done during weekends anyway. Told him he could go ahead and leave when he wants. He doesn't have to wait til spring. He said he would think about it. He has arranged to stay with a single man he works with who lives about 10-15 minutes away. He said he wanted to be close in case we need anything. I would prefer that he just go and start his new life. I hope in time that he realizes what he has thrown away and regrets it. I will never take him back unless he came back a changed man. Through all this, I have realized what was lacking in our relationship and have determined that I would rather have no man at all then what he & I had together. I am hoping to one day (way in the future!) to find a man who loves me totally. Who wants to be with me and enjoys my company. Who accepts me as I am and loves me anyway. If I never find that man, that will be ok too. I can't be any lonelier alone then I was the past 19 years. Just to let you know.....I absolutely do NOT blame all this on Allen. There is plenty of guilt and regret riding in a pack on my back too. My main failing, I feel, is that he told me time & time again that he is who he is and was unable to change. I accepted that and never really pushed for change. I loved the wonderful soul he is inside and adapted to the rest. I honestly do not feel that we can truly change anyone. Either we accept them as is, or we determine we can't accept them and move on. It's an absolute waste of time to try to mold someone into what you think or feel they should be. They are what they are!!
Anyway.......My daughter and I did join the gym that's nearby this week. We went to a step aerobics class that enforced how truly old and out of shape I am. I made it through the class and was just happy not to have a coronary!!! I have lost 11 pounds so far. Still watching what I eat and working on the ab lounge everyday. I am going to Lowes today to look at paint for the kitchen and try to pick out a new floor. Allen has asked a friend to help him put down the new floor in the kitchen and possibly a new floor in the main bathroom too. Need to get the kitchen painted before the floor can be put in as I'm not the best painter!!!
I feel that I'm going to be ok. Might even be better alone. When you're alone without your spouse, you don't have to waste all that time wishing & hoping for someone to give you the love you need when they are incapable of doing so. I wish Allen the best and hopes he find the happiness he seeks. I feel that he won't find it until he works on himself and finds happiness within himself first. Don't know if he will ever figure that out or not, but there is nothing I can do for him in that regard.
Thank you for thinking of me and checking in with me!!! Things are getting better with me and I have hope that the future will be even better!!!!
