trying hard not to hate someone

[bevann]

2015 has been EXTREMELY difficult for me. My younger son died May 11 from heart issues.I had seen him only once in the last 6 years since he moved to NV>My knees have been so bad I suffer lots of pain when walking and I kept saying I was going to visit when my knees got better.Too late now.He was a single parent with a son who just turned 18 last December and was still in high school when his dad died.No insurance no will a mess.I flew from DE to NV for 2 weeks then home 10 days and back again for 10 days for grandson's graduation. Older son was diagnosed with brain cancer Jan 4, 2014 and battled that until October 14, 2015 when he died.He has a daughter and their relationship was very strained.I was there with him when he died.today I went to do some errands about 20 miles from home-missing dog when I arrived.Karl let her out and didn't watch her.She got hit and killed on the road trying to head back to the house.I had been out looking and couldn't find her due to getting dark.She was still warm when I found her and she was spread all over the road.He just was too lazy to put up the lattice on the porch so she would go out in the little dog yard. right now I HATE this man and don't even want to be in the same room with him. some lady stopped along the road and wanted to pray with me.I don't even want anybody to mention god to me.I really try to be good and take care of other people and be a nice kind person.This year has been the pits.2016 has got to be better.

 

[bevann]

forgot to add-I have 3 dogs older Corgi-mom of Ducky and my rescue German shepherd Duke.ducky was my favorite.When I was in the room where my computer is Ducky was on the floor at my feet.I picked her out in the nest when she was just born,I knew she was the pup for me.I am missing her terribly and I am still blaming Karl.He was just too careless and lazy to put up the lattice. Too him it's just a dog.He has dogs he doesn't feed for 2 or 3 days unless I get on him.He is a hoarder and would have 100 dogs if I didn't put my foot down.Maybe it's time for him to go and take his 15 hounds and all his junk.Very angry and I may not get over being mad at him.Time will tell.

 

[candycar]

Bev, I have no words that can help, other than I'm sooo sorry for your pain and hope things do get better for you soon. Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

 

[Marsha Cassada]

Poor little dog! Poor Bev. I'm sorry for your pain.

 

[Debby - LB]

Bev I'm so very sorry that your little girl is gone. This just made me tear up, I feel your pain in your words. This isn't something i could forgive so I'm no help to you there.

Nothing but time is going to help you but please know I'm thinking about you and I wish you well. {{{HUGS}}}

 

[vickie gee]

Bev,

I am so sorry for your loss and the anguish you are experiencing. I totally understand anger as I have a history of being quick to anger. My tongue can be like a gunslinger's pistol and my fists have been known to act before my brain had time to. I would be stretching the truth if I said those old traits are gone. Truth is they are just better, not gone. My gunslinger tongue has been on the phone with both my cell phone provider and my internet service provider today for extensive periods. In my anger I surely dazzled them with my impatience, anger, and wordsmithing being the unhappy customer. Now I more unhappy with myself! I was just about to go for a long walk to de-stress and something told me stop by the Back Porch. I don't come here very often as of lately I am busied with so many other things in life. I hope what I am going to say does not offend you.

Some of us humans project a lot of love onto our animals. They are easy to love because they love us unconditionally, at least most of them do. I am one of those humans. That being said, Karl is only human. I hope you will work on forgiving him. It will not be easy but it will be easier on you as bitterness only leads to strife.

I am amazed at the story of Joseph and how he forgave all his older brothers. Every time I read it I realize that there are people in my life that I might not ever totally forgive and that there are people that I have somehow forgiven (perhaps by the grace of God) that I thought I never could. You are going through a period of anger and grief. My heart goes out to you. Please pray even if you do not know what you are praying for. God knows you better than you know yourself so rest assured you can be as open or as closed as the mood strikes you. He knows your needs so please seek His presence so that you may receive comfort from the most high.

Hugs,

Vickie

 

[bevann]

Ducky was my Velcro dog.Where I was, she was nearby.She had a little smiling face and acted like a young puppy even though she was 13 1/2.I am missing her terribly.Karl is a very insensitive man and I should have kicked him out several years ago.we have been together over 30 years, but he has become very verbally abusive the last several years.I have only kept him around to help with the farm.I am selling the farm in the next few years and moving.I don't think I am taking him and all his hoarded crap.I don't get angry often, but when I do it is big time.this is big.I don't even want to be in the same room with him.I used to pray lots and thank god daily for my blessings.those days are done.I don't want any bible quotes either-to me it has always been just a history book.It can be interpreted and translated any way someone wants it to be.Some of Karl's 15 hounds will be going so I can have my kennel back for my own dogs and they will be secure when I'm not home.

 

[lucky seven]

Sending you hugs, words can't express how sad I am for you.

 

[sfmini]

I am so sorry!! If he values your loves so low, he isn't worth having around. I know it is hard, but it sounds (based on this post) that you would be better off without him. I feel your pain, I am making a move as well. It is hard, but it sounds like you will be better off in the long run.

I would be beyond furious if this had been one of my dogs.

 

[Ryan Johnson]

I don't think there is anything I can say to take the pain away after an atrocious year that you have had to endure.

I hope from this day onwards that things get better for you and I hope 2016 is everything you dream of and more.

Take care

Ryan

 

[Jill]

Bev, I wish there was something to say or do to help you feel better during this painful time. I'm so sorry for the bad things you're dealing with and hope things are better and happier for you soon. Jill

 

[Boss Mare]

I am so sorry, stay strong.

 

[bevann]

I'm a mess.It helps to come on here and put down my thoughts.I keep thinking of my sweet little dog and what a horrible death she had. When I found her on the road her little body had exploded from the impact and there were parts drug on the road.She was hit full on in her mid section.thank god her sweet little face,neck and shoulders were intact.the cremation place fixed her so I got to kiss her and say goodbye.I picked up her remains yesterday and have them in the drawer with several of my other Corgis. Went to see my friend yesterday who actually delivered her litter and we cried together.This is the first dog I have ever lost on this road.All my others have had a peaceful death-most with me there holding them. She was so sweet and loved everyone she met.She had a cute little smiley face like most Corgis do.Her mom is lost-she depended on Ducky's smell and following her to get around.She came and laid by me several hours yesterday like ducky did-like she was trying to fill the empty space.I need to focus on the image on her running like a puppy when it was time to go out to pee pee. I will concentrate on trying to get through the winter on the farm and just tolerate Karl as best I can,.He is so insensitive with his comments. In hindsight I should have gotten rid of him years ago and I would still have my dog.He has become very verbally abusive in the last few years constantly telling me how stupid and lazy I am.I used to love him-now I don't even like him. My farm should be finally sold by fall of 2016 and I am out of here.I still have 3 old horses-if there are still alive I will find some place to board them.Since both my sons are dead I am moving near my nieces and they will take care of me as I age.I am starting to clean out some stuff.I moved here in 1966 and have accumulated way too much stuff in the house barn and outbuildings.MR HOARDER will have to figure out what to do with his stuff that he can't bear to part with.I am not prepared to live the remaining years of my life with someone so insensitive who thinks more of his stuff than anyone or any animal.Thanks for listening to me vent. I know I will get another Corgi, but not until the old girl is gone.It would be too hard on her to deal with puppy antics since she is deaf and can see only some shadows in good light.My friend knows some reputable breeders so I am sure I will be able to find the perfect dog for me.I thought about another breed but I LOVE my Pembroke Corgis-had them since 1972.thanks for all the kind words and thoughts.

 

[Rocklone Miniature Horses]

All i can do is send you massive e-hugs.

If it is any consolation at all, your little dog will not have suffered at all. It will have been instant.

You seem done with this relationship though. There is nothing worse than staying in a relationship you just don't want to be in any more. If i were you i would end it..

 

[vickie gee]

It is a tough realization when you find yourself admitting that you don't like the person with whom you are partnered. Been there years ago. Survived and cut my losses and dealt with the blows to my well being and still an unwelcome occasional nightmare pops into my sleep. Your body knows when you are not happy and your health suffers. Wishing you well in your future decisions and the paths you will take. Dealing with the loss of loved ones, both human and fur babies weighs heavily on one. Here's hoping you find a little bit of joy daily. Like pennies found and kept add up, so can just a little bit of daily joy. One of my many crazy mottos is "I am a survivor, therefore I will." Be strong and take care of yourself.

 

[bevann]

Something good happened today-sold my little 2 horse trailer and got my asking price in cash.Getting the truck ready that I bought for my son to put out on the road to turn it into cash.Lost 30 lbs so placed an ad in our local shopper to get rid of some larger clothes and some Christmas decorations that I don't use.Need to have a garage sale but can't even get in there due to HOARDER"S junk.I have asked to have him clean out half.I will wait so long then put stuff out in the yard.I have so much stuff to get rid of I could have an ongoing garage sale for a year and still have stuff.Karl has his moments when I can stand him, but I am still very hurt and angry at his stupidity for turning the dog out when I have 2 fenced yards and 1 of them is right outside the back door and connected to the porch.Can't wait for 2015 to be over 2016 has got to be better for me. thanks for all the kind words and thoughts