Tuesday December 13th, I need everyone to help!!

[justanothercowgirl]

As of 9:09a.m. EST Christmas 2005 is coming in just 11 days, 14 hours, 50 Minutes and 29 Seconds!!!!!!

Away in a manger, no crib for a bed,

The little Lord Jesus laid down his sweet head.

The stars in the sky looked down where he lay,

The little Lord Jesus asleep in the hay.

The cattle are lowing, the baby awakes,

But little Lord Jesus no crying he makes.

I love Thee, Lord Jesus, look down from the sky

And stay by my cradle til morning is nigh.

Be near me, Lord Jesus, I ask Thee to stay

Close by me forever, and love me, I pray.

Bless all the dear children in thy tender care,

And take us to heaven, to live with Thee there.

****************************************

 

[shane]

COME ON EVERY BODY THERES NOT TO GO NOW! HO HO HO

 

[runamuk]

All righty here is my idea of fun

Jeff Foxworthy

redneck 12 days of christmas

Wow, somebody done been to the WalMart!

(Jeff) Man, this is the stuff I got for Christmas.

Well you cleaned up! Whadya git?

Five flannel shirts

Four big mud tires

Three shotgun shells

Two hunting dogs

... And some parts to a Mustang GT.

Hey Bubba, you got gypped -- there's 12 days to Christmas.

(Jeff) I know that, I got it covered. Look over in the corner.

That's yours too?

Yea!

Chorus:

Twelve-pack of Bud

Eleven Wrastling tickets

Ten o' Copenhagen

Nine years probation

Eight table dancers

Seven packs of Redman

Six cans of Spam

Five flannel shirts

Four big mud tires

Three shotgun shells

Two hunting dogs

... And some parts to a Mustang GT.

Man, this ain't normal Christmas presents!

No, they're redneck gifts!

Redneck gifts?

Yea, you know, like

if you buy your wife earrings that double as fishing lures.

Or, if you can burp the entire chorus of "Jingle Bells"

Perhaps if you think "The Nutcracker" is something you did off a high-dive.

Or, if you've ever misspelled something in Christmas lights.

Or, if you leave cold beer and pickled eggs for Santa Claus.

What's wrong with that?

I didn't say anything wrong with it...

It's hard to beat...

Chorus:

Twelve-pack of Bud

Eleven Wrastling tickets

Ten o' Copenhagen

Nine years probation

Eight table dancers

Seven packs of Redman

Six cans of Spam

Five flannel shirts

Four big mud tires

Three shotgun shells

Two hunting dogs

... And some parts to a Mustang GT.

Well, you can't really consider it a Christmas

'less you go down to the penitentiary and visit your mama.

You're not listenin' to me!

Get the car key outta your ear.

That's where the nine years probation comes in...

I'm gonna do it for ya again.

Now listen...

Chorus:

Twelve-pack of Bud

Eleven Wrastling tickets

Ten o' Copenhagen

Nine years probation

Eight table dancers

Seven packs of Redman

Six cans of Spam

Five flannel shirts

Four big mud tires

Three shotgun shells

Two hunting dogs

... And some parts to a Mustang GT.

 

[runamuk]

bumping this back up just to keep that hobbit christmassed

sing along everybody now....

[SIZE=14pt]Grandma got run over by a reindeer [/SIZE]

Walking home from our house Christmas eve.

You can say there's no such thing as Santa,

But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog,

And we'd begged her not to go.

But she'd left her medication,

So she stumbled out the door into the snow.

When they found her Christmas mornin',

At the scene of the attack.

There were hoof prints on her forehead,

And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,

Walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.

You can say there's no such thing as Santa,

But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Now were all so proud of Grandpa,

He's been takin' this so well.

See him in there watchin' football,

Drinkin' beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle.

It's not Christmas without Grandma.

All the family's dressed in black.

And we just can't help but wonder:

Should we open up her gifts or send them back?

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,

Walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.

You can say there's no such thing as Santa,

But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Now the goose is on the table

And the pudding made of fig.

And a blue and silver candle,

That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig.

I've warned all my friends and neighbours.

Better watch out for yourselves."

They should never give a license,

To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,

Walkin' home from our house, Christmas eve.

You can say there's no such thing as Santa,

But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

 

[justanothercowgirl]

Good Job!!!!

How about...Grandpa Got Run Over By a Beer Truck(sung to the tune of Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer)

Grandpa got run over by a beer truck

Coming out of Woody's Christmas Day

Grandma got a job out at the brewery

I never knew that she could drive that way!

Grandpa was out drinking with the floozies

Spending all of Grandma's hard earned dough

He didn't have enough to pay the bar tab

So Woody tossed him out the door into the snow

Grandpa stood there frozen in the headlights

He looked just as helpless as a deer

I don't think he was afraid of dying

I think he was just afraid he'd spill his beer

Grandpa got run over by a beer truck

Coming out of Woody's Christmas Day

Grandma got a job out at the brewery

I never knew that she could drive that way!

Who'd have thought he'd end up as a road kill

She flattened him right on the center line

He could have made it to the curb if he were quicker

But she backed it up and squashed him one more time

Grandma cried and cried at Grandpa's funeral

Not because we peeled him off the road

All the loot she got from his insurance

Went to pay the bar tab that he owed

Grandpa got run over by a beer truck

Coming out of Woody's Christmas Day

Grandma got a job out at the brewery

I never knew that she could drive that way!

 

[runamuk]

love it

 

[runamuk]

bumping back up

come on people join in the merriment........we need everyones help...to keep the grinch at bay......the grinch got our good little elf today ........so now it is doubletime

 

[Farmhand]

Every year, in lieu of true musical talent, Mary and Eric bring some sort of gimmick to the stage at Song of Good Cheer. In 2003, they wanted to present the funniest Christmas song or parody ever.

One finalist, from TV's "The Simpsons."

Joy to the world,

The teacher's dead.

We barbecued her head.

What happened to the body?

We flushed it down the potty

And round and round it goes

And round and round it goes

And rou-ound, and rou-ou-ond,

And round it goes.

Another finalist, by Ruth McClure of Deerfield--"a 75 year old gramma of five."-- sung to the tune of "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing."

Uncle George and Auntie Mabel

Fainted at the breakfast table.

This should be sufficient warning

Not to do it in the morning.

Ovaltine soon set them right

Now they do it every night.

Uncle George is hoping soon

To do it in the afternoon.

Uncle George is hoping soon

To do it in the afternoon.

Still another contender, "Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear," a parody to the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland."

Lacy things the wife is missin',

Didn't ask for her permission

I'm wearin' her clothes, her silk pantyhose,

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

In the store, there's a teddy,

With little straps, like spaghetti

It holds me so tight, like handcuffs at night,

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

In the office, there's a guy named Melvin

He pretends that I am Murphy Brown

He'll say "Are you ready?" I'll say "Whoa, man,

Let's wait until the wife is outta' town!"

Later on, if you wanna',

We can dress like Madonna

Put on some eye shade, and join the parade,

Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

A strong contender was "Algebra Rock" by Notre Dame High School (Niles) students Joe Casey and Jeff Ramirez:

Algebra, algebra, algebra rock

Algebra hip and algebra hop

Learning equations as big as the sun

Now that alge' class has begun

Algebra, algebra, algebra rock,

Intersecting points on intersecting lines

Laughing and graphing

All at the same time

Algebra is divine

Problem solving so involving

To pass the time away

Operations, variations

Keep me busy all throughout the day

Right angles, triangles all have degrees

Someday and so will I

Adding and subtracting using TI-83

That's the algebra, that's the algebra

That's the algebra rock

In the end we settled on singing the words to one holiday song to the tune of another. Local entertainer Tricia Alexander, who has made something of a specialty of this, calls them "Trishmas Carols."

We tried

"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen."

and

"Santa Claus is Coming to Town" to the tune of "O Come all Ye Faithful."

 

[Farmhand]

A Letter To Santa

Dear Santa Claus,

It has been brought to my attention by one of our operatives that you have secured for yourself, and your interests, a very lucrative position in the toy and game industry. Normally, my associates and I would not involve ourselves in self-exploitation schemes such as yours. However, it is quite clear to us that you have over-stepped your bounds and are coming into my family’s territories. That I cannot let you do.

Mr. Claus, we’ve known each other for many years, and we have no problem with your operations in the North Pole. But, uh, Consuela tells me that you have expanded your deliveries to the entire south side, most of the north side, and everywhere but the Jewish neighborhoods.

I understand, Mr. Kringle, that you and I share many interests. We both make lists. We both know who’s been naughty and who’s been nice. Have I mentioned, that, uh, red is also my favorite color? This year when you make your rounds, I hope you’ll take time stop by the house for a cup of coffee and some cookies, so that, uh, we can discuss an offer I know you can’t refuse. I know how much you like cookies. I am sure you will do this thing I ask out of respect, but I would be remiss if I did not remind you of the tragic demise of our mutual friend and confidant, Frosty T. Snowman. I regret that it was necessary to teach Frosty a lesson.

Sincerely, and with warmest wishes for you and the lovely Mrs. Claus,

Don

P.S.

It would be most unfortunate for you to wake up one morning to find the heads of eight tiny reindeers in bed with you. I am sure you are a reasonable man, and this will not be necessary.

 

[nootka]

I like this one (If you know the music, you can sing it to the tune of the music we all know):

Buttcracker Suite

(Parody of Nutcracker Suite)

“Thong Marchâ€

Thong

What a delightful gift idea

Thong

Magical shorts that disappear

Buy your loved one this noel

The kind of gift you can’t resell

Because it kind of smells

If someone else has tried it on

Thong

You could be dancing cheek to cheek

Thong

Wiggle the string play hide and seek

Buy your workmate or your boss

The proctologic dental floss

That really works a hair across

His astronomic bum

Thong

“Dance of the Plumber Fairyâ€

See the repair man go

Tink-a-tink, tink-a-tink, tink-a-tink

Working on the sink

Bending way down low

See the big tool belt go

Slippy-slip, slippy-slip, slippy-slip

Sliding down his hip

Say it isn’t so

See the rear cleavage go

Peek-a-boo, peek-a-boo, peek-a-boo

Cheekie sneaking through

See ya at so ‘n so

See the plumber

Doesn’t even show

What a bummer

Get a dial tone

Called a number

On the telephone

Hire someone else

“Wedgie Danceâ€

Lunge!

Spin around and stretch and lunge

And Leap!

Do a kick and shake your buns

And fix those wedgies everyone

Let’s go!

Twirl!

Double dip and somersault

ThenSplit!

Shuffle back and twist and fall

And fix those wedgies

Fix those wedgies

Let’s go people

Fix those wedgies

Cracks are flyin’ just keep pryin’

And pull

Pull hard!

And pull

Pull hard!

And pull

Pull hard those leotards!

“Waltz of the Buttcrackersâ€

Please just say no to crack

When you spot butt crack attack

You can see a trucker change a tire

Or a cable worker fix a wire

Let him know his bottom line is looking out

Somehow you don’t admire it

So everybody please just say no to crack

Give all those crack backs a sack

If you see a plumber show a breach

Or a tubby hubby on a beach

Sneak right up behind his back and strike a match and drop the burning sulfur right between his cheeks

Because as sure as pants and men surround us

Cracks are all around us

Slacks fall to the ground as

Miles and miles of spoil going up and down

Everybody

Don’t be unbound near a crowd get a grip

Fix your drawers

Every Fall ride along take ‘em back

To the stores

Show some class and hide that massive astronomic butt crack

Get in the truck

Cover the crack

Gimme the thong

Hurry along

Buttcracker’s joys are sweet

 

[justanothercowgirl]