What do you do about ADULT step kids constantly asking for money?

[Tamarack]

Oh how frustrating this has become to have adult (mid thirty) kids asking for money to pay their car payments and utilities when they always have whatever else they want. My husband is at fault for giving in too often but it has really caused feelings. Now the grandson wants to do a 4 H steer and the granddaughter wants to drive MY mini. It doesn't seem to end. Sorry to vent.

Tamarack :new_let_it_all_out:

 

[kaykay]

I learned a long time ago you have to learn to say no and mean it. Another thing I know for sure is that if you constantly give kids everything then they dont appreicate anything. They just want more. We have 4 kids and years ago we put an end to the want want want. If they want extra things they have to work for them.

 

[ChrystalPaths]

Say no, sorry but no.

 

[bfogg]

Your husband probably thinks he is helping them, but hes not .

Would you budget and scrimp if you knew you had a back up bank always open?

Boy wish I could get a deal like that don't you?

She would drive my mini (maybe) after she worked cleaning stalls and harness and earned the right.

Kaykay and the others are dead on.

Bonnie

 

[Sonya]

Just say "Sorry, I'd like to help, but I don't have it!".

My husband's sisters (in their 20's) ask us for money occasionally and I have given it only once to each one. They never attempted to pay it back, nor did they even make an excuse as to why they can't pay it back, never one word...but they always have money for cruises and to go to the bar...never again will they get a red cent from me.

 

[JO~*]

Well I'm sure this makes me sound REALLY bad but my GROWN stepson is a lazy bump and would only come by to ask his Dad for money. He would give his Dad a sad song and dance and his Dad didnt believe him most of the time but never called him on anything well in step the wicked witch (me) and I would ask for all kinds of details ect.....and then flat out say something like Ya right ya da ya da ya da.

It didnt take long for the stepson to stop coming over.

 

[Lisa-Ruff N Tuff Minis]

well I am going to be different. If your husband has no issues with this and sees no reason to say no and the NO and questions dont come from him I wouldnt push it- Step families are there own dynamic and right or wrong or what you would have done with your own kids you raised ( I am assuming you didnt raise these kids I could be wrong there) I just dont think I would push it to the point where your husband or the kids feel he is making a choice between you and them- making yourself out to be the bad guy (again not saying right or wrong obviously seems like this dynamic was there before you stepped in) I could be wrong there as well if you raised them but.. I just think you would be asking for trouble in the long run in your own relationship

but just my opinion for what it is worth

 

[Marylou]

Don't be an enabler! We learned the hard way to the tune of $4,000. We will never see the money again. We are not rich, are seniors, and I am handicapped. "Loans" were made to son and sister. When Sister looked for more we said no and have not heard from her again. Be strong!

:

 

[Marty]

Both my stepsons got divorced and lost everything they had this year and they both came up here to get their heads on straight for a while. They are both pro-wrestlers, pumping iron type of guys on top of everything else they are and they brought all that exercise equipment and I had to measure and weight them every day. Geesh! I tripped over those stupid barbells twice. Ouch.

If my husband want to help them, it is his business as their father, not mine. I am not his dictator or boss and I do not tell him what he can or cannot do with money he sweated for. If he wants my opinion on what to do about helping them I'll give it but I don't offer it.

As long as he is not taking anything away from my boys and causing my boys or us any hardship under our roof in doing so I don't care.

BUTT! If this is causing problems in your marriage I highly suggest that you and your hus sit it down on the porch and talk this through. Be sure to LISTEN to his views before you offer yours.

As for driving your mini, that is obviously your personal mini and if you do not want them to drive her the answer is simply no. Heaven forbid they have an accident and she or they gets hurt, that would cause additional problems.

 

[Betty B]

I go with Lisa and Marty on this one. Don't offer an opinion unless asked. It is a whole different issue if they are not your birth children. If it isn't hurting your pocketbook leave it be and don't waste your time dwelling on those issues.

 

[Reble]

It sounds like your feelings are not being considered. :new_shocked:

Try to have a gathering and talk.

They are adults now, and hope they respect you and your feelings.

 

[MSRminis]

Can I offer some insight from the "kids" point of view?? I have and have had SEVERAL step parents. Both my parents have been married several times so I have had a sampling of the Step parents. BE CAREFUL. I dont know your relationship with the step kids, whether or not you get along, but I would say think about what you say to either before you say it. Our family has in the past been ripped apart by Step Parents. I had a particularly evil step mom-kept me and my father apart for MANY years, and same with a bad step dad. You are in a particularly bad situation because pretty much whatever you do you can and may be viewed as the bad guy from all sides. I kinda aggree that if your husband doesn't mind and it is not a financial burden to let HIM deal with his kids. I truly hope it works out well for you!!

 

[PinkStalkings]

MSRMinis - I'm kinda glad you spoke up on this..

I'm REALLY strongly opinionated on this.. I have had ONE terrific stepfather and a whole boat load of crappy stepmoms. But my opinion stays the same.. If you marry a man or woman who has children its not your place to say whether its right or wrong to ask for assistance.

I'm 21, I've been trying to make it big on my own for years now. I've been handed a whole heep of crap for a life and yeah. I occasionally have to call my mom for help. My stepdad would NEVER ever step between my mom helping for whatever reason. But then most of the time he steps in as her HUSBAND and MY STEPDAD and takes part as a parent helping a child. Everyone's opinion is different. I should be making it on my own right now but hey I'm not.

You know my stepfather single handedly burried my son for me expense wise I couldn't? He never batted an eye to it and if I ever have another son he'll be named Joseph out of sheer respect for a man who remembered to care when most stepparents are extremely rebelious and tend to demolish families..

A torn family with stepparents is a healing family in my eyes.. Stepparents are bandaides.. they can do great wonders or hurt like heck.

So I guess the question is are you paying for everything or is the hubby? Are you not interested in teaching the grandson how to drive and sharing an awesome hobby? Are they saying YOU have to keep the steer? Would it be the same if they were Really your kids? Not trying to be rude, I'm just really curious..

 

[Tamarack]

MSRMinis - I'm kinda glad you spoke up on this..

I'm REALLY strongly opinionated on this.. I have had ONE terrific stepfather and a whole boat load of crappy stepmoms. But my opinion stays the same.. If you marry a man or woman who has children its not your place to say whether its right or wrong to ask for assistance.

I'm 21, I've been trying to make it big on my own for years now. I've been handed a whole heep of crap for a life and yeah. I occasionally have to call my mom for help. My stepdad would NEVER ever step between my mom helping for whatever reason. But then most of the time he steps in as her HUSBAND and MY STEPDAD and takes part as a parent helping a child. Everyone's opinion is different. I should be making it on my own right now but hey I'm not.

You know my stepfather single handedly burried my son for me expense wise I couldn't? He never batted an eye to it and if I ever have another son he'll be named Joseph out of sheer respect for a man who remembered to care when most stepparents are extremely rebelious and tend to demolish families..

A torn family with stepparents is a healing family in my eyes.. Stepparents are bandaides.. they can do great wonders or hurt like heck.

So I guess the question is are you paying for everything or is the hubby? Are you not interested in teaching the grandson how to drive and sharing an awesome hobby? Are they saying YOU have to keep the steer? Would it be the same if they were Really your kids? Not trying to be rude, I'm just really curious..

Thank you all for your input on this. I realize it is not an easy situation. It wouldn't be so hard for me "IF" they wouldn't try to save 'face' by asking for a 'loan' with no intent to ever pay it back or mention it again. This has been the pattern and the amount of money being asked for increases regularly.Now this is even extended to the son-in-law asking for a house payment while he rides around on his new Yamaha four wheeler. It is never a small amount of money its a few thousand at a time. I sure wasn't raised this way and my five kids have never asked for a loan without paying it back. The steps are definitely taking advantage of the situation. Thanks again for your opinions.

Tamarack

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