Oh Cassie please dont feel bad about having those thoughts about little Finn. As Bree said, it is the good owners who are thoughtful enough to make decisions like that, preferably before they are actually needed.
In fact I made one of those decisions myself two days ago when I had little PT put down - and if you asked me what was wrong with him, I really couldn't answer you. I bred him and he was just 9 years old, but he had always been a 'bit odd'. For the first few years of his life he was perfectly normal, but then he started having occasional tummy problems, mild colic soon sorted by my vet. Other times he didn't actually colic but just seemed unusually quiet at times, just for an hour or so. I did wonder about ulcers, but his 'symptoms' didnt add up, also his odd moments were often a year or more apart and nothing ever 'changed' in his daily/yearly life.
About a month ago he had one of his mild colic stints and the vet came out late in the evening with the usual finadyne (sp?) *** to get him comfortable again and all was well. But from then on I was not happy with him. Yes he seemed to still be his 'old self', still galloped off across the field when let out, often to be seen havig a race around kicking up his heels, plus zooming back to the gate when it was time to come in. But, as we all know, horses, like a lot of animals, are very good at hiding their discomfort. I also caught him in his stable with a sort of 'inward' looking expression on his face. I just knew his time was coming to an end. Over the last week he had eaten all his food and hay, but very slowly. He grazed when out but also stood round dozing a lot. Saturday night he didn't eat or drink anything while stabled, but picked at his clean straw - something he never did. Sunday night was so warm and mild here I put him out for the night, opening up a second field for him where there was plenty of nice fresh grass and he was out there mooching and grazing on Monday morning when I went to get him. But I had already called the vet by then with the warning that I didn't want him vetted or examined, I just wanted him put down.
The same vet came who had treated him a month earlier and said no problem, you know your horse and if he needs to leave us then we are happy to take your word for it. We took him out onto the lawn, and I really felt a bit stupid as he jauntily strode along and ducked his head down to pinch some grass. However, when the vet tried to find the vein for the *** to sedate him, she couldn't find it! And this was the jugular!! Plus she had found it a month earlier with ease, late at night in gloomy light with just a small torch to help!! She knew the needle was in the vein, but there was little or no blood showing - luckily PT doesn't have a problem with needles! - so she gave the sedation in hope. It worked, so she was in the right place. With him sedated she went to give him the *** to lay him and put him down. Same problem, just a tiny bit of blood showing on the end of the needle. So again, trusting to luck, she gave the full ***. Again it worked and he sank to the floor totally out of it just like for an operation but more so. But he still kept breathing. The vet was totally puzzled as by now he had had enough of the drug in his system to knock out a full sized horse!
But she did say that for whatever reason, I had done the right thing in calling her. She said that however 'good' PT looked to her when we actually led him out of his stable, it was now obvious that something was very wrong and that his whole system had been slowly shutting down, hence the reason why we were not getting blood from his main vein because it was just not circulating properly. To cut a long story short (LOL!!) we ended up opting to inject another horse worth of the drug directly into his heart - perfectly possible as he was so well under you could have performed any sort of operation on him. Interestingly when the special long needle went into his heart we only got a small spurt of blood, then nothing, then another small spurt - not normal, inspite of the drugs in his system, according to the vet. Anyway after this final ***, with a few short breaths, my sweet PT made his way to Rainbow Bridge to join his parents and other friends.
My poor vet was very distressed that the whole proceedure had taken so long (she had kept apologising to PT and stroking his nose throughout, although he was completely out of it and unaware of the stress he was causing her!), she said that she was thankful it was me because most other owners would have been in a complete panic. She also said that it was a 'good call' on my part as he would probably have lingered on for a few more days or even a week before collapsing and possibly, for him, meeting a distressing end.
Sorry this is such a long and sad story, but we, as owners, have gut instincts with our animals, whereas vet's dont, and vets can only do what we tell them to do when it comes down to the wire.
RIP sweet PT - you will forever have a special place in my heart.