I am Broken

[Tab]

Know how a lot of Christians can come off as sounding "too goody goody"? Well I am here today to tell you how I am broken and that a few circumstances that nearly, quite literally broke me. I was going to write this on my blog, but it wouldn't be an encouragement to anyone save me because my blog is private

As I breathe in the crisp Spring air next to a napping husband it occurs to me that May 8th 2012 has come and gone without a single thought. That is, until now. I am so thankful that God has given me 4 chances at living. One when I was created, then when I accepted Christ, a third when I homorrhaged after pushing out my sweet baby boy (had to be rushed into emergency surgery to put me back together) while my baby was fighting for his life in NICU, and a fourth when I had that malignant ovarian tumor removed. Certainly you, and you, and you have been through more, and have dealt with tests of faith far better than I have, but I still couldn't have gotten through them at all without my faith.

Life has made me tough and difficult, but if you really know me, deep down soft and fragile, bursting with love. I thank God always, He has never left me nor forsook me, and He never gave up on me even when I deserved it! I have undoubtedly deserved it. Mutt stubborn and opinionated!

All my past, present, and future sins forgiven. I tell the boys the herd of sacrificial lambs couldn't be big enough to compensate for my goof ups. If you ever feel like a screw up know that Jesus takes and keeps screw ups. My screw ups include flying off the handle at people who mess with me or my kids, or even seem to be a remote threat. Even after I forgive them I ignore them for awhile as to not give them a second opportunity. I'm a work in progress. Oh, there is much more, but even with my filthy rags, He loves me, accepts me, and forgives me. How have you overcome/how has God give you a story as a way to help others?

If you are so moved please share your experiences as a reply to lift up and encourage others.

 

[Performancemini]

Could many of us not write a book? Just read your Bible and there are stories there themselves-the adulteress, the lame, the blind, the thieves and more. And all could or would be forgiven and grace given. I do have stories too and am sure also there are more and bigger out there. I have gone through IBS bad enough to leave me 85 pounds and scared to leave the house or travel. Praise God, he brought me out of it and I now have rare bouts of it. (and overate to the tune of 130-LOL!). I went through panic attacks, anxiety and depression. And he brought me out of that. I still deal with anxiety-but who is truly free of that. As you said-we are a work in progress. And none on earth are perfect or will be. I dealt with a foot/ankle injury from July of last year to the present. Perhaps I will always have problems. But I will take what comes the best I can and with faith. I see now that there are many things that are not "that important". Yet I am seeking what I can now do in the state I am in; sometimes feel blue and sometimes a peaceful joy. All a part of life. If something "worse" comes along, I will have to see how I deal with it-to lean on my faith. As they say, life is a journey. It's where we end up that is important.

 

[vickie gee]

How timely this is. I had one of those talks with God this week about how I know that I am not what I should be but thanks to His mercy and grace and Jesus coming to live in my heart that I am not what I used to be.

 

[Sonya]

I've had a few brushes with death that often leave me wondering why I am still here? Collapsed lungs 4 different times, internal bleeding with an appendectomy that left me with a measly pint of blood left in my veins and 7 in my stomach cavity. My husband always says I have 9 lives, guess I'm getting close to cashing out because I don't have many left. Aside from those times I know God has graced me in other ways. Meeting my husband is most definitely one of them, 19 years of marriage this summer. Being with my Father when he passed was another, the whole way it happened was just so strange, I know I was put there for a reason and it was to spare my Mother and other family members, which I gladly accepted the responsibility. I have been graced with a wonderful marriage and successful career and just a happy go lucky life. I often wonder why I am in God's graces as I do not feel I am worthy and have much to learn about being a good person and could honestly do so much better than I do if I only put forth a little effort. I can be impatient, grumpy and selfish. I too am a work in progress and will be until my last breath I'm sure. I think one of the things I can bring to the table is I am easy to talk to, complete strangers will tell me their life's story and I can listen and offer words of encouragement that seem to help in some small way. It is funny how people will talk to me when I myself am a closed book and rarely show much emotion except anger, that seems to comes out easy. I am so thankful for my life and God's graces. I definitely need to show it more and give more of myself in return.

 

[Tab]

I think it's a good point in life when begins the awareness that perfection is unnattainable. Brokenness is not a bad thing. God is near to the broken. There are so many people that think they have it figured out.They don't know enough to know that they don't know. The 30s and sometimes 40s and beyond are the "humbling years" for many, I do believe. Learning, learning, learning lol. When you're 20 and hot and things to be going your way it's easy to fall into that trap of thinking that I am pretty great. Rude awakenings begin.

Vickie, I know what you mean, I am so unworthy of His grace. I am so grateful for it!

The weight thing is another lifelong challenge for me. After puberty I developed PCOS, and it has been a struggle ever since. It wasn't for a lack of working either. Working on keeping my weight under control. Weight issues are tremendously humbling. People who know you, see you, people who don't judge harshly. I'm back to the exercises that work and tracking my calories with myfitnesspal. If I could I would wish some of these extra pounds away, but I an also grateful that I haven't had it easy, I wouldn't have seen my need for grace if I had it so easy.

Recently celebrated 10 years of marriage down in Smoky Mtns TN. From other northerners on vacation I got glares, snide remarks, sideways glances. All of this is due to my weight. I did the 6 mile hiking around them, I walked up to Clingman's dome beside them, but it was a really low point for me. I felt and saw hate from complete strangers. Had they known me, I don't believe they would have been so terrible to me. It nearly ruined the experience. I had been on the treadmill all Winter but it bulked me up, and I think the stress of the weather had dealt harshly with my condition. Back under control now. It's been a month and I am experiencing results.

Back out to put the mare herd away and put the guys out! Thank you so much for your stories, you have encouraged me, and so many others!

 

[Performancemini]

One of the things about chatting on LB is we can't do our judging by sight. Sure, we can get ticked off at what someone says on here and it's the same thing as judging what they look like. The great part is reading people's posts often and feeling like a friend just from that. You are somewhat getting to know that person through their writings and thoughts.

 

[bevann]

I'm not sure I can call myself a christian.I think I'm more of an agnostic.I believe in a supreme being and he can be called by many names by different faiths.I get very nervous when someone walks up to me and says "Hello I am so and so and I am a christian".I just feel they should be christian in their actions and not have to tell me.I don't go to an organized church, but I talk to God daily(sometimes lots of times) and usually am giving thanks for something-not always asking for things.I try to be kind to people and honest and treat them like I want to be treated.I often wonder if Jewish people who don't believe in Jesus have trouble getting to heaven or the place where christians go since Jews have not been saved and don't believe in Jesus the same as christians.Same applies to people of other faiths different from many of us in the US.I really have an issue with religions that are so intolerant of something that is different.Most faiths have a higher being-just called a different name.From where I sit I see many churches and religions that are just big business.These are just my opinions.I have often been chastized for not going to church even though I was raised to go to a Methodist church.I really feel like I'm in God's presence when I'm out in the woods or in the barn with my critters.I also am not sure I believe everything that is in the Bible.I view it as a history book that was written by many men from stories told to someone who could write by many people who could not read or write For those of you who are christians" Do people who have not accepted Jesus and been saved get to go to heaven or do we go somewhere else-if so where will we end up?".I'm ready for the flames.

 

[Sonya]

I do not belong to an organized religion. I have never had someone who came up to me and said I am so and so and I am Christian. The only group I've come across who did that to me is Jehovah Witness when they come to my door. The Jewish faith does believe in Jesus, they don't believe him to be the messiah or of any importance. I do not condemn other religions unless they do harm to others, it's not my place to judge. It's not my place to determine where others who don't believe as I go after death. Let's face it, people of every religion in some sort have hurt someone in someway. I often think about children in third world countries who don't have access to religion, they are even lucky to have clean water or food, many not even having an education. What happens to them? Are they condemned because they don't believe something or maybe even never heard of it? I don't think so. I do pray for things, I pray for the sick, the innocent, and those who are hurting. I pray to become a better person.

 

[vickie gee]

Tab, was May 8, 2012 when you had that huge tumor removed?

You asked for us to share some of our humbling experiences. I have shared some pretty shocking ones in the past and have others that I have not shared. I only share when the mood hits me, and more often than not I am like a turtle in its shell. Then I might just morph into a roaring lion depending upon how passionate I am feeling when I see either blindness or coldness in others and I am then moved to speak truth which comes through being graced by the word of God. The Bible is an owners manual for living. If I had realized that before I reached middle age my path would never have been so rocky with self placed boulders, at least. I don't want to rob the intentions of this thread. I can say that I am not a cherry picker of the God's word. I believe that all 66 books were and are the inspired word of God. The New Testament I view as an owners manual for living. I believe the Mosaic law was written for those times, but that one must read it to understand history. Psalms is to me poetic reading that gives me peace. Proverbs spanks me more severely than a strict parent or school teacher back in the day when teachers were allowed to discipline. The stories of Gideon, Esther, Jonathan, and others never interested me back when I viewed them as mumbo jumbo. When I got to the point in life when I knew the Father, it became like "tell me more, tell me more." I wanted to hear about every Biblical character.

Children that pass away will go to heaven. That provision was made long, long, ago. Children that had not reached the age of accountability, that is. The age of accountability varies for every child. As far as adults, they will be judged but it will not be by me or any others. They just cannot claim that they did not have a road map to get where they were going.

Yes, not seeing each other here but reading comments does make us form a mental picture of each other, just as when you read a fiction novel, form a vision of what a character looks and then a movie comes out and characters are not looking as what you pictured. For example, I sound stern sometimes but I am really one who laughs and jokes a lot.

 

[Tab]

Vickie, yes, that is when the huge tumor was removed! It has already been 2 years! Woohoo!

Sonya, This is why I say I am a Christian. Mark 16:15 And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.

(Every creature includes my horses. They even know Jesus loves them)

Plus, I love to encourage people, everyone can use a little morale boost once in awhile. If my story could help anyone I would be so glad!

I'm not going to yell at anyone or harm them if they don't agree, it is their choice what to believe, but it is my job to share my faith. It's not really a job, I've seen so many miracles firsthand, and when you see/experience something good you want to share it! When Aiden was in NICU his lungs were bleeding, when they suctioned all of the blood and pus out of his lungs he was on oxygen and cpap until Sunday. Born on Friday and was stable to go on room air that Sunday. Room air at the exact time that churches all over were praying for him. Now I know some will see that as a coincidence, but I know it was divine intervention. The neonatologist had no explanation for the lung hemorrhage or the quick recovery. It just happened and thank the Lord it stopped.

Luke 19:40 And he answered and said unto them, I tell you that, if these should hold their peace, the stones would immediately cry out.

This is what happens when we don't proclaim Christ. If we don't even the stones will cry out

This is what I tell my little boys: To seek recompense for his sin a Hebrew would sacrifice an innocent lamb. Jesus came to earth as the ultimate sacrifice for our sins. Everyone is bad, either in thought or in action, and Jesus forgives the inherent bad within us and makes us clean, like new fallen snow! What a freedom! There are missionaries to go and preach the gospel, a missionary would be anyone who preaches the gospel. For people who never heard it, majesty is often revealed to them at the right time. Of course there are many mysteries that will be revealed to us in time!

Bevann, I agree with you, a Christian should be known by his actions

That is very true, but what many people don't realize is that we are not perfect nor do we attest to be. They are very hard on us, I think they expect us to fart rainbows or something lol. Unfortunately, some people think they can fart rainbows lol. I think that a Christian who thinks they are perfect would definitely be a stumbling block. I also experience God when I'm out in nature. All the beauty that surrounds us is His that He puts on lend to us. What a glorious gift. I have always had a hard time with the Sunday school kids who would shut me up when I shared how profoundly I experienced God's presence when I was out cleaning stalls. Truth is, everybody hurts everybody, the difference is that Christ is within us. We are still sinners, but we are forgiven. I think everyone struggles with insensitivity to a point, but it's very hard to say anything without offending someone these days. Speaking basic truths offend, in fact. Somethings once widely known as fact are now considered hate. Still, as Christians, we ought to do everything in our power not to hurt other people. Again, we are far from perfect.

When I'm reading the bible, especially the writings of Jesus, change comes to me. My heart grows full of love and grace. Then when I get lax in my bible reading I start to slip into cranky Tab again. A pastor describes that we need daily to nail our flesh (sinful desires) back on the cross of Christ in order to remain graceful. So, you know if I'm being a sourpuss I really need to get back into my bible and read some red letters. It is so "transformational", I can't even put it into words! It is something you finds happens just by reading the words of Jesus. No other book has influenced my attitude more. In fact, I probably need a lot more doses lately! I want to say that I truly in my depths love you guys, no matter your views!

 

[Sonya]

I agree, one should share their Gospel when asked or someone is seeking guidance or they are in a common situation. I do not believe it should be shoved down anyone's throat though. Just as I don't think other issues should be forced or shoved down anyone's throats, homosexuality is an example. I can guarantee most Christians do not want the acceptance of the gay life style forced upon them, or forced to pay for someone's contraceptive/abortion....it is a two way street. I use homosexuality and birth control/abortion because most religions (I say most as I am not schooled in what all religions believe) preach against it. I have come across plenty of Christians who preach more dam-nation than acceptance, non judgement, forgiveness and love. That is not a way to teach anyone about the Gospel.

Apparently dam-nation without the hyphen is a nono! Lol

 

[Tab]

Christ is such an every-second part of my life that it's written into my being. People speak of their lifestyles here and it doesn't offend me. I wouldn't assume to force things on anyone. People can read or reply with what they like, that's the great part of freedom of speech. You're right. Most often LOVE is the best way to reach anyone, I'm learning. However, some people seem to need a little fire and brimstone to awaken. Someone who is really living a hardcore lifestyle may need a little awakening. I am not saying that of anyone here, but there are folks that don't hear or respond to gentleness. I know with my guys my voice tends to get louder and louder before I get a response! Nobody gives a reason for why not to live risky, and "because I said so" rarely satisfies. The bible frequently mentions the consequences of sin. The bible also says a soft answer turns away wrath. Very much like what you said. Very true. The bible also preaches hefty consequences. Earthly consequences are for all to experience, and being a Christian isn't an antidote to them. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

 

[Sonya]

Good discussion...I AM on your side Tab and do believe darnation can be very convincing and is warranted in some cases. I just try very hard to not judge others, and I fail horribly at times. My opinion of others really means nothing, it's not up to me....and it shouldn't be, I make some terrible decisions sometimes....lol.

 

[Tab]

Vickie, So true, all of it! It is so important not to be a cherry-picker. Some of the bible rubs us the wrong way; humbles us deeply. That is OK. As adults, we need to be corrected by our Heavenly Father. If God says this or that is not ok, that is enough for me. I answer to Him, after all. Nobody is too good for correction. Who are we to go re-writing the bible? We are finite. Proverbs is one of my favorite books. Consider me spanked by it, as well. All of the bible is God-breathed and practical! My spirit is most moved by the New Testament, but the Old Testament leads up to it. All of the lessons and all of the prophesies of the Old Testament that come to fruition in the New testament. I am humbled constantly. I know how things could have turned out. By God's grace I am here to help raise our boys; I get to be a wife and mom, and I still get to play with my horses

Had I not have made it I know where I was going, but I'm grateful to be here. Hopefully, people can understand why it's so important to share God's love with others! If not, I can live with that too

Tab, was May 8, 2012 when you had that huge tumor removed?

You asked for us to share some of our humbling experiences. I have shared some pretty shocking ones in the past and have others that I have not shared. I only share when the mood hits me, and more often than not I am like a turtle in its shell. Then I might just morph into a roaring lion depending upon how passionate I am feeling when I see either blindness or coldness in others and I am then moved to speak truth which comes through being graced by the word of God. The Bible is an owners manual for living. If I had realized that before I reached middle age my path would never have been so rocky with self placed boulders, at least. I don't want to rob the intentions of this thread. I can say that I am not a cherry picker of the God's word. I believe that all 66 books were and are the inspired word of God. The New Testament I view as an owners manual for living. I believe the Mosaic law was written for those times, but that one must read it to understand history. Psalms is to me poetic reading that gives me peace. Proverbs spanks me more severely than a strict parent or school teacher back in the day when teachers were allowed to discipline. The stories of Gideon, Esther, Jonathan, and others never interested me back when I viewed them as mumbo jumbo. When I got to the point in life when I knew the Father, it became like "tell me more, tell me more." I wanted to hear about every Biblical character.

Children that pass away will go to heaven. That provision was made long, long, ago. Children that had not reached the age of accountability, that is. The age of accountability varies for every child. As far as adults, they will be judged but it will not be by me or any others. They just cannot claim that they did not have a road map to get where they were going.

Yes, not seeing each other here but reading comments does make us form a mental picture of each other, just as when you read a fiction novel, form a vision of what a character looks and then a movie comes out and characters are not looking as what you pictured. For example, I sound stern sometimes but I am really one who laughs and jokes a lot.

 

[Tab]

I'm sure God is shaking His head at me or having a good laugh at my goofy errors more often than not lol. Enjoyed the discussion!