Million dollar question, do you have the answer

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Frankie

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My son is 15 and a great kid. His father passed away when my son was an infant. Right now I am going through a divorce, this man has been my sons "dad" for 11 years.

It has all been a lot for him to deal with, plus his own health. He has Hydrocephalous.

Last night were are talking as he just lost his best friend over a girl,,,,,you know,,,,,,,teenage stuff. Plus, my straight A son just got a D on his report card. Now he thinks he is useless.

So we get to the root of the actual problem.

His million dollar question.

"Mom,,,,,,if there is a God, why doesn't He want me to have a father?"

Your answer????????????????
 
Well, when God first created man, he created Adam and Eve and told them to have children. So, the original family plan was definitely father, mother, and children. However, since Adam and Eve chose to sin many hurtful things entered into the world. The worst of these is death. That of course is what caused the loss of your son's first father. Also because of sin, parents don't always do everything they should and marriages fail. This is what has now happened with his second father. It is a tragedy that he has now lost two fathers. However, it is not because God does not want him to have a father but because people are sinners. That's what it boils down to. My last thing to point out is that for those who trust in Jesus as their Savior, God is our Father. He is there for us all the time, and that is such a comforting thing. No, it is not the same as a human father, but even more wonderful if we really draw near to Him. He will never fail us.
 
With all going on,,,,,right now my son is my main concern, all else has been pushed aside.

Jayne, after I finished crying, I did explain to him almost as you said. But, with him losing both fathers, guess who's fault he thinks it is? His

With him being 15 I do see how he came to that conclusion. There have been times I have felt the same.

With him taking on the blame, I just need an answer that will relieve him of the gulit and the feeling he is the one who has done something wrong.
 
I know it is not easy to see him feeling that way, and I'm sorry he has to go through it. If it is any comfort to you, let me remind you that guilt is one of the normal phases of grief. Just be there for him, like you are doing. Let him talk. Honestly, he may need to ask the questions more than he really needs an answer if that makes sense. Of course it is absolutely not his fault. How in the world could an infant be responsible for his father's death? I certainly hope he knows that. Sometimes what we feel and what we know are two completely different things.
 
I'm not an especially religious person, but could I have a go?

The powers that be clearly think your son is a strong young man. The only people who are handed easy lives are the people who can't be strong, can't be smart or brave or bold. The ones who can't rise to a challenge. Challenges are handed to those who have the ability to meet them head on, rise above them, and come out on the other side as better, even stronger people. The saying I've always heard is "God never gives you more than he believes you can handle."

Being strong doesn't make hardship easy. It will hurt, and it can be a struggle. But it's up to him to decide what he's going to do next-if he's willing to meet that challenge with the support of those who love him.

And my best wishes to you and your son right now.
 
Different cirumstances ...but over the past 3 years I lost my 59yr old sister died from Lou Gerigs Disease, her son died, my 88 yr old Mom ended up in ICU on vent...almost died and Tim had a 2nd bout of cancer. It felt like my family was being taken away one at a time and I couldnt understand why it was happening.

There is no real answer for that question, nor were there answers as to why all of that stuff in my family was happening in such a short amount of time. I remember my sister laying there in the nursing home about a month before she died...saying she wasent afraid....she knew God had plans for her and I swear...it felt like she was looking forward to finding out the 'plan'.

The thing with Christopher...he's a very special gift from God....and God has a plan for him and his life. While he cant see it right now...and at 15 yrs old...cant make sense of it...I cant help feeling that one day Christopher will look back and see that God was molding him through all these years and making him into something special in the future. Pher's gifts, skills, talents have served him well so far...I pray Pher can have faith that God will get him through this and on with his plan for the future. While it has to be awful hard...the focus has to be kept shining on the future and moving towards goals. Sending prayers from Ohio to our Indiana friends!
 
Lowrise and Crponies have both offered sound words and advice. One thing more you might consider, letting your son know that he does have a father, he was just taken early in his life. Of course to no fault of your son's, or anyones. It just happened in a specific point along the timeline of life, same as it has or will for all of us. That is life, and we all live, love and pass, leaving behind those we love, some pass with loved ones newly entered into our lives, as was the case for your son and his father. He still has his father, though your son's time on this earth is with his father gone before him.

I don't know the situation of your family, nor the relationship between your son and his step father. I can only offer up prayers that it is, and will always be, a good one, whether he remains with your family or not. 11 years is practically a lifetime for your son with his stepfather, short of the 4 years before him. He is the father he knows, and I just pray that remains a "steady" for him at least through to adulthood himself.

It sounds though, just from reading what little you have shared of your situation, that your son may be feeling "uncertainty" for the state of his family and the security a family provides. That may be why his grades are down. Not guilt of having been, and possibly perceiving again of being "fatherless", but just stress from all the current uncertainties of his family state. Understandably. With that, I reitterate all that Lowrise and Crponies have offered above.

If scriptures may help, I will try to suggest some to you privately, if you might be open to that. Beyond that, please know though, our prayers are lifted up for you and your son.
 
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I agree with a lot of what has been said.......... Use it all, to the best of your ability.

Your son HAS A DAD......WHO LOVES HIM. I truly believe that LOVE NEVER DIES. He just can't be "hands on" right now.

I know of special people in my life who either lost their dad or their dad never acknowledged them, but during the process of life learned something interesting..... Sometimes we are given the opportunity to make our OWN family to add to the one we may be born to.

Suggest to your son that at some point, he may just meet a very good man who he will respect and love, and visa versa. Often God puts people like that in our Path just at the right time.

Bless you, for being such a loving mom.
 
Frankie, I wonder why your son thinks it is God who is causing him the problem of not having a father. Somehow God gets drawn into something that he is not His fault. Isn't it the choices we make that usually cause the problems? I am so sorry your son feels so badly about not having a father. I hope you let your son know that it isn;t Gods fault and in time he will be making choices and can decide how he will bring up his own kids. I think it will be your love that will change his mind about his situation in life. Let him know it is okay to be angry for the loss he feels but hopefully instead of blaming he will come to understand that life gives out some real big challenges which can make us stronger. Hugs to both of you, Mary
 
Frankie my heart aches for both you and your son. I don't have any advice - you've already gotten some really good ideas - except to point out that no one can explain Gods reasons, that everything that happens isn't because God caused it and that both love and loss are part of everyone's life. I'll include you both in my prayers.
 
I am noooo expert on this but we all have 1 father...God. There is a lot of love and support in church , if you find one that works for you. My nephew has been delt a pretty bad hand m with divorce , and mom with a new boyfriend all the time..His dad has enrolled him into a Catholic school with values, and strong sence of family , and it has been great for him. There are a lot of youth programs in some churches , usually led by a really nice teenager (young man , that can relate to kids) this could be a positive male role modle that can help fill the void right now. I am not real religious , but the youth programs are great for kids , and I do like that idea. I have 2 parents that were useless parents emotionally , and boy, chrch and a youth program , would have been great for me. Give it a go ...maybe it will be the best thing for you two , and maybe not , you never know till you try.

I am real sorry for this added stress and sadness in your family , your son is lucky that his mom cares ..I wish I had a mom like you.
 
Thank you all for your responses, I have read each, several times.

We do talk about going through life situations and how it makes you stronger. Many times he has said, I must be the strongest kid in the world. He may be right and I have told him there is a reason for that and for his sake, I hope we find out that reason soon.

So many kids will use these life changes as "excuses" to take a wrong turn, I just want to make sure he stays on the right road.

As hard as his questions are, and as painful as some of his statements can be,,,,,,,I consider them all goods things as it means he is still talking,,,,,,,,and if nothing else, I know continuing to talk would be a good thing.

Thank you again so much.
 
Im so sorry for both of you and can only imagine how hard it is. Keeping you guys in my thoughts.
 
I really feel for the both of you, especially your son. There really has been some great advice here. Though now I'm 45 years old , I do know EXACTLY how you son is feeling.

When I was 9 ( my sister was 10, brother 8 and little sister 2 ) my father was killed in a car accident. My first thought was how did that happen, my dad was a GOOD guy. Then of course I was scared. Wondering how my mother was going to make it with four children to raise, a house wife. Fast Forward Two Years.................... My mother past away with cancer. Now I am mad. how in the world would a good god take not one but both parents from 4 young children?????

Then, it was hard for me to understand, heck it still is sometimes. But I choose to believe we are not really suppose to understand. One day we will. Still its so hard for children. I to thought I must have done somthing . I remember thinking I should have made better grades after my dad died. Just trying to make some kind of sense of things............

You Cant.

Finally, I told myself, ................ Okay, things are going to be hard, sad. Seeing my friends at school doing things with there parents and stuff. Parents going to watch there kids at ballgames, moms taking pictures of their kids going to proms, ect. ect. I told myself I have to make somthing of myself, so when I have children I will be able to do these things with them. I have to be strong and make my parents proud.

All of my siblings are very successful people , and I to own my own bussiness. But above all, we are happy. I still get sad to think of my parents not being there for graduation, when I go married, and had my child (Erica). I think they would have loved being grandparents, and thank GOD Erica has wonderful grandparents on my husbands side ( and they are like parents to me also)

No I dont understand why things happen to good people. But I think we will find the ansewer some day.

My only advice to your son would be........... well, that you dont understand "why" either, but we have to make the best of whats delt to us. And there is ALWAYS someone out there with more difficult times, especially now.

I just heard on the news a man shot his family of 5 then himself over financial problems
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Tell him to be strong. Be strong for each other. Tell him to hang in there and always try his best, and one day he will look back and hopefully say.......... I didnt like what happened to me, I didnt think it was fair........... But it made me strong . He is now the man of the house. He is only 15 I know, but life isnt always fair, its hard.

One thing to tell him for sure is, Your always there for EACH OTHER, no matter what.

I will be thinking of you and your son.

Linda Killion
 
Frankie, I wonder why your son thinks it is God who is causing him the problem of not having a father. Somehow God gets drawn into something that he is not His fault. Isn't it the choices we make that usually cause the problems? I am so sorry your son feels so badly about not having a father. I hope you let your son know that it isn;t Gods fault and in time he will be making choices and can decide how he will bring up his own kids. I think it will be your love that will change his mind about his situation in life. Let him know it is okay to be angry for the loss he feels but hopefully instead of blaming he will come to understand that life gives out some real big challenges which can make us stronger. Hugs to both of you, Mary
I agree, God gave us the right to make choices, and now that he is becoming a young man needs to know God is a loving God, and so was his father who is watching over him, and you are always there for him, and never never to blame himself for what others decide to do. They also have choices.

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for your son,
 
Carolyn,

Can I ask if your soon to be X wants to still be in your son's life? If you trust your x, then could you not tell your son that even though you and your X don't get along doesn't mean that your son is going to loose his father figure? That your son can still talk and call on the man he has grown up with as if he was still his son? I would think that if there is no abuse in the family that your son would be better off keeping in close contact with the male father figure he has known most of his life.

Yes, I agree with the other posts as well.

As for something else to tell your son, the Dad that passed away was needed by God to help be a guardian angle and that no human being on earth could cause that to happen, or stop if from happening. God had much bigger plans for your son's Dad.

The Dad your son has grown up with was given to your son by God so that he would not have to face all of his young years by himself and so that he would know what it is like to be loved by a Dad. Also remind your son that some people don't ever get to know what that love is like. (I am assuming that your X is a kind man when it comes to your son.)

My favorite saying is this:

God will never give us more than we can handle. I just wish that He wouldn't trust me so much.
 
I can not thank all of you enough for sharing your thoughts and stories, I appreciate it so much.

I am 52 and I still have my father, so I do not understand completely,,,,,that is why sometimes I do not feel like I say the right thing, I haven't a clue, as I was just able to call my dad for his 77 birthday.

He is still talking,,,,,very good thing. Each time we go through something close to this, there is a trigger. His best friend he lost, I mentioned earlier, was also his support group,,,,,he lost his father about 8 years ago, they helped each other, and now that support is gone. We are talking about another support system, what ever he needs. He doesn't seem to be sure as to who or what he would like for that to be.

My son has not seen his stepfather or heard from him since May 8,,,,,we are at the stage where the more time goes by, the worse it gets for him. I will leave my opinions on men at this point to myself.

As for him wanting to blame God,,,,,I don't think that is it. He just does not want to blame his real dad, but I know for a fact there have been several times where he has blamed his dad for leaving him. He is 15, trying to figure out who he is,,,,but with no father, not knowing even what his dads voice sounds like, it is making his search for himself, a little more difficult.

Thank you again so much for taking the time to offer us your experience and for keeping us in your thoughts.

Carolyn
 

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