my husband is nearing the end of his long fight

[EMB]

Charlene and family, please accept my sympathy on the loss of your beloved Gary.

It has taken me some days to work through this thread and I shed some tears and said more than a few prayers along the way. I know that you found it therapeutic to post throughout all the various stages of Gary's illness but you also need to know a couple of things.

You taught us all about courage in the face of our worst fears. Most of all though, you reminded us of the hope we all can have, seemingly even during the darkest times. Thank you.

I will continue to keep you and your family, including the four legged members, in my prayers. I know God will continue to surround you with His love during this difficult time. I know too that Gary is home now and you know he is not leaving your side for a moment.

Eileen

 

[Sunny]

Hi Charlene. Just wanted you to know that I continue to hold you in my thoughts and prayers.

My mom died six years ago last month and, obviously, the first Christmas was the hardest. It really has gotten a tiny bit easier since then, but I still can't watch the old family videos. My brothers and their families take great comfort in that, but it just tears my heart out. I'm okay with photos, but video.... not so much.

You know best whether you can see and touch things that remind you of Gary, and whether you'll get comfort or pain from them. I just hope that you will find many, many things that comfort you.

(This really doesn't sound like it did in my head. I hope you can figure it out.)

 

[anoki]

Still thinking about you.....

I know I can't do much to help, but just know we are here for you.

Put the notes in a file somewhere.....I know you will cherish them, but right now the pain is too fresh...

((((hugs))))

~kathryn

 

[Charlene]

i figured it out just fine, sunny.

i wish you guys could know how much it means to me to know you are thinking about me and what's even better is that you come here to TELL me. it warms my heart and truly does make things a little easier.

kathryn, i gathered my wits about me, took a deep breath and read every single note and card from gary. i laughed at some of them, smiled at others and 2 or 3 made me cry but it made me feel so much closer to him just holding them in my hands.

while cleaning out a desk drawer today, i even found an old paper grocery sack. on it, in big black letters were the words "happy 3rd anniversary, sweetie". i have no idea what was in that sack, probably a new breyer horse, but i was so happy to have found it. another thing to treasure!

 

[AppyLover2]

In the weeks since this thread started I've prayed for a miracle, prayed for strength for both you and Gary and prayed for peace for you. As you sort through things you're obviously finding tiny (at the time almost insignificant) things that are touching your heart. Sometimes they may bring a smile, sometimes tears, but I hope they always remind you that you were blessed with the kind of love too many of us never find. (((HUGS)))

 

[Reijel's Mom]

I'm so glad you've kept all those wonderful Gary mementos (sp?) and have them now. He was/is truly a remarkable man.

 

[bluetaterbaby]

Charlene:

I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I can't imagine the intensity of the pain you're experiencing; but, God does. People deal with grief differently and you'll learn what helps you best. When my daddy died, I found that writing him letters whenever I felt like I needed to talk to him helped. I wrote just like I felt and said what I wanted to say. Then, I just folded it up and put it in a special place. I still have the letters, but I haven't ever had a need to read them. This brought some closure to me. But, I think about him being gone and just can't believe it. It's been 7 years now and yet I'm still shocked when I realize that he's really gone. I do know that he's waiting for me.

God has put words in my heart at different times throughout my life. I've learned to just write them down. They've become poems, songs, or stories. I give God the praise for this because I'm not doing it on my own.

Please know that you aren't forgotten. We DO care and YOU matter to all of us.

God bless,

Joan

 

[Charlene]

thank you, joan. that's very sweet. something i did was spray gary's pillow with his stetson. the first couple of nights alone in our bed were agony for me and i wasn't so sure it was a smart thing to do but now i find comfort in that smell. i hug his pillow, even kiss it goodnight. i think maggie likes it, too, because most nights she sleeps curled up right in the middle of it.

yes appy, i was truly blessed to have had gary by my side for 11 years. i wish it could have been a hundred and eleven but God's plan didn't work that way. i know gary will be waiting for me. some of the notes i found today were simple one-liners..."i love you"...but some were more than that and i know gary wrote them from the heart. that is probably what i miss most about him. he was such a gentle man, so loving and the thought of never having him stroke my arm as i fall asleep is sometimes more than i can take. i just have to keep thinking about all the good times and try not to dwell on his last few days.

i keep thinking about lisa and what she is going through.

 

[SilverDollar]

Charlene, my heart aches for you and Lisa. I can't even imagine what you are both going through. The closest experience I have is when my Dad died of leukemia when I was 21; that was 23 years ago and some days it feels like yesterday. He was only 58 and from the time he told us to the day he died it was only seven months. I still miss him every day and find myself wishing I could talk to him face to face. I "talk" to him often and when I really need him he appears in my dreams. That helps me a lot. He used to give the best hugs and I still miss those. I am glad you are able to find comfort in your memories.

Gosh, I haven't made a snow angel in years. That sounds like fun.

For some reason this quote makes me think of the loved ones I have lost and I find great comfort in it...I'm not sure why.

"In one of the stars, I shall be living.

In one of them, I shall be laughing.

And so it will be as if all the stars

were laughing when you look

at the sky at night."

--from The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

 

[Kathy2m]

H Charlene,

Thinking of you this morning.

Its amazing when I read through this thread how many experiences people share, like the signs and the writing thing. After my moms first stroke the doctors wanted her to try to write things down, she was having a hard time talking and her thoughts were scattered. I had a small tablet in my purse we give it to her and asked her to write her name. The first word she wrote was SHI* then we said no mom write your name. She wrote her name Shirley. When I was at a show a few months ago I needed a piece of paper to write down the jump courses, I took out the tablet and what did I find but Shi* Shirley still in it. It made me smile, she was at my show with me. {{{{HUGS}}}} Kathy

 

[ChrystalPaths]

I think of you and Lisa each morning and pray for a bit of smile in each hard day. I keep you both and Marylou in my prayers still. Memories are great. Come the 15th my daddy will be gone 4 yrs already but he so loved this time of year so I can't help but talk to him still and share my plans. He'd wake up at 4am and shout "Santie Clause has been here!" to 6 small children. I miss him still.

 

[dreammountainminis]

Charlene,

Praying for you still and I am glad that you can find comfort in memories....You have showed us all such courage ...I hope you are doing well ...Also wanted to update you Dad is doing a little better starting to eat and white blood count is coming down some ...

I just know sooner than later I will be dealing with the same and hope I am as strong as you have been ... I am the only child and have already lost mom but never really got a chance to greave because mom had only been gone two months and dad started getting these uti's and is still getting them ...On top of the parkinsons diease ....WE have hoed a very long road and I will keep right on hoeing beside dad until the lord calls him home ..I just so hope I have the strong and determined will that you have ...I so admire you for telling all of us your real life experiance....

I hope it helps more when you get back to work I know that sounds crazy but when I was feeling lost because of loosing mom taking 24 hour care of dad has helped. take care and god bless

 

[Brandi*]

Thoughts of you Charlene

 

[Reijel's Mom]

Not sure if you're heading back to work today, Charlene, but you are in my thoughts as I start my workday. I wish you as pleasant of a day as possible.

God Bless!

 

[Charlene]

ohhh where do i begin?? we were part of this wicked ice storm that hit sunday in the wee hours of the morning. we have been without power since sunday at 5:20 a.m. COLD, COLD, COLD!!! i have been staying home, under blankets with the dogs. we JUST got power back about 15 minutes ago so i will stay here long enough to THANK YOU ALL for your good wishes and for your prayers.

i have thought so much about lisa, i hope she's doing ok.

i'm doing ok and gary, i am sure, is SO proud of me for taking care of everything. i think i'll take tomorrow to recoup and head back to work on wednesday.

the absolute worst thing about not having power was sitting in the dark for the past 2 nights, in the extreme quiet...all i could do was sit and think about gary and how much i miss him.

thanks again everybody!! charlene

 

[Alex]

That would be the last thing I would want to happen... no power. Cold. We all think bout you day in and day out. You are a strong human being.

 

[Reijel's Mom]

Oh Charlene - that is awful about the electricity going out

Cold, dark, nothing to do but think too much - I'm so sorry!

The ice storm got us last year and we were without electricity and water for almost a week - I thought I was a "roughin' it" type gal but OH MY that was AWFUL!

I see you are on now so I hope it is cozy warm in your house at least.

 

[hhpminis]

Charlene

I am sorry, i have stayed away for a couple of days. I was being selfish and just could not bear to hear that you were maybe not doing so well.

I have to say, I am very proud of you. I was happy and relieved to read your posts and even find some humor in them. You are a very special lady.

We have had some things to deal with out west here and it was easy to excuse coming here. I am glad I finally did.

Take care my dear

 

[AppyLover2]

Charlene I've wondered how you were doing with all this ice. Sorry to hear you had a bad couple of days but glad to hear the power is back on. There's no doubt that Gary has been smiling down at the way you've dealt with all of this. Hang in there!

 

[Basketmiss]

Charlene,

Sorry to hear you didnt have power. That is rough! Good thing you had the dogs to make some body heat with... I would imagine that was hard sitting , thinking about Gary with nothing else to do, but you got thru it so thats great! He is watching and proud of you for how you are handling it ll...

We have had ice but knock on wood havent lost power! It is raining in Columbia, MO today so i think its gonna melt this snow and ice- it supposed to be 36 today..

I hope you are thawing out.

Missy