Need some advice on a house issue. Help!!

[Sun Runner Stables]

Wellll..

I have two "homes" much like any child of divorced parents. (Well 3 including my boyfriends place, but whatever) and sleep at my fathers house, which is on the water, and spend most of my days, at my mothers place, which is our farm.

My father has a girlfriend, I get along with her okay, but she can bug me, just like anyone can I suppose. I tend to be leaning towards the "this is Not Your house lady, so quite acting like it." thought, but I would Never say it out loud. It's just plain rude to my father. If I have a problem with her, or something she has done, I chitter chat to Dad about it and voila, problem solved...

Well we had our annual christmas party a few weeks ago, and had larger amounts of beverages, both alcaholic and non, in the house then normal. It has always been a policy in our house hold, that things in the fridge are Not for decoration.

Well last night I come home and Cindy (Dad's Girlie) and he are arguing about something, not sure what at this point. When I ask if I should leave the kitchen, she rounds on me ovbiously angry and about to be rude.

Dad tells her to Drop it, and she bustles out of the kitchen and comes upon my boyfriend, who was home with me.

She then proceeds to yell at him about how he and I have been drinking all the orange juice (me) and fake beers (him) that were left over and that it was just the worst thing ever.

She then goes on to say that the only reason I am with him is because he does not drink anymore, and that if he keeps up drinking the fake ones, he is sure to start the real ones, and so on and so on. (ARGGG!)

The whole time this is going on I am talking to my dad who tells me that she had been out drinking with a buddy of her's, whom she always comes back drunk and really nasty useless *itchy from.

When I finally leave the kitchen, James is so upset he can barely talk to me, saying that he Never drank more then he replaced (true, I check) and how hurt and insulted he is by her screaming at him.

Now I am peeved, so I call dad via our priviate family line, and say that if James and I drinking beverages that You (dad) bought, and that would go bad, all the while replacing them was such a big deal, then why didn't he just say so instead of letting that, ahem, dog chew out my boyfriend... he apologised and restated the previous comment about her being drunk and such...

Now, the next day I expected an apology from Miss drunk and scream, but non has been forthcoming. I am not sure if I want to do a head on match with her, as my father Hates conflict in his house hold, but I don't see any ohter way of dealing with this as I am Very angry about the stunt she pulled, james is Still upset, (though he did go out, and purchase Far more then he and I ever consumed along with flowers to appease her) and no longer wants to come over here as he feels that he is Not welcomed...

What do I do???? Help!

 

[Voodoo]

Wow, sounds like a toughie. I haven't been in your postion so I guess I don't have too much advise. I do gather that you really love your Dad, want to respect his rules in his house, and want to be with him. So just leaving isn't too good of an option, basically all I can say is talk to your Dad and see if he can smooth things over. I doubt if he likes Cindy treating you and James that way, so maybe he can tell her that she will have to be civil. Sounds to me like Cindy might be the one who has the drinking problem, and all the problems that come with that? If she won't accept the apology (although it sounds like she needed to apoligize rather than James) James offered in flowers and more than replacing the drinks, then maybe you need to have a talk with her. You know, just you and her, maybe out somewhere so that it isn't in your dad's house and he's not there to get in the middle of it. I don't like to start conflicts, but it might really help for the two of you to just go talk things out???? Any way that probably wasn't much help, but I had to put in my two cents worth.

BTW thanks for the advise on my other thread, coming from someone who has been in that situation it cleared alot of things up for me.

 

[Triggy&Blue&Daisy Too]

Girlfriends may come and go but daughters are forever. At least that is the fairy tale I used to believe. You may not like the person but your dad must at least at this time in his life. I can guarantee you this is not about orange juice or near beer, it's about territory and it will escalate probably to unbearable proportions for one or all of you.

Maybe this just may be the first sign that it's time to establish your very own household instead of living at so many places? We can't always have our divorced parents being involved with someone we get along with but things usually run there course and hopefully your parent will see the person for who they are eventually.

I bit my tongue many times to save my mom the fighting between my stepfather and I and finally left home at age 15 when he tried to molest me and my mother refused to believe it--even defended the SOB.

Unfortunately, she chose him over me but that's the way the cookie crumbles for some kids. Let's hope your dad listens to his heart instead of his *ahem* you know what I mean.

 

[Bess Kelly]

Things are often "uncomfortable" in a household that you describe. Does the girlfriend live there? From the sound of things, there is already "trouble in paradise" between her & your dad. And seems there is some obvious annoyance between the two of you -- which you have shared with your dad, already.

I believe the 4 of you should recognize that she was drinking too much and the altercation was missplaced -- that is, she wasn't in full control of her thoughts and couldn't yell at the one she wanted (your dad)....so your boyfriend was next one she saw. I wouldn't make it any bigger than that and hope that nothing further comes of it. Tell your boyfriend that she is not the only person there...if your dad has no issues with the situation she complained of, that's what matters most. Your dad will discuss it with the girlfriend, in private.

Hard situation for all of you. I'm sorry.

Remember that just as some of your friends may not act as you like, sometimes it is true for us oldsters, too. Mainly, try not to let this person cause friction between you and your dad -- eventually he will find someone both of you will approve of and like.

 

[Sun Runner Stables]

See... now those replys alone got me thinking a bit more...Yes she "lives" here, though she also has another house that she maintains. She is wealthy in her own right, and until this past evening, it had only been minor stupid things. (Missing laundry baskets, fridge orginization etc.)

Voodoo, that's what I am thinking needs to happen. I just wish she would apologise to James as he is Such a big baby about this kind of thing. (He really values my father's and cindys opnion of him, and always goes way out of his way to try and show this.)

Triggy, I think you are right in alot of ways... There has been little "issues" over stupid things which I always give in with as I hate to get my dad rumpled. ( I have a Huge amount of respect for the man, and we care for each other very much, it's this kinda stuff that just makes things murky.)

To be honest for the most part we get along rather well. I am a Very easy going person and she (when she's not schoonerkerd) is also a pleasent person.

Bess Kelly, Thank you as well, I really hadn't thought of it in quite that way. I believe my anger stems from the whole upsetting some-one I care about, after dad had said to Drop it. (yah I know, daddy's little girl here, but it is His house, and if I had pulled a stunt like that, I would be in Big trouble.)

But you are right, she was trashed, and that Was the problem... The friend she was visiting is a fem rights freak, to the point of being rude and doing un-nessary demonstrations in public. Neither my father, myself, james, or her children asides her oldest can abide her, and her oldest simply gets drunk and nasty with the two of them.

I have already made noises about leaving and moving in with James since this, (I take care of his place already, and despite my age, my family is comfy with my decisions, heck I have lived all over the world both by myself and with others, it's kinda normal by now.) but my father really wants me to stay here.

This same girlfriend is the one that left him after he had taken her to Europe for a month, and I took care of dad and just kept company with him, (he Hates to be alone) and he feels that this Is my home. I was raised here, it will always be My home...

I guess I feel kinda like a kid on the play ground yelling No Fair... Silly me.

I know that I always come first, and this is the very first time I have Ever felt this uncomfy or angry with her... Thank you for all the calming and thoughtful replys... I really apperciate it!! Keep 'em coming please!

 

[Tobey]

Family situations are always so tough.

My parents were divorced when I was in jr high. My dad got remarried after I moved out of the house. I have a step sister and step brother but still never feel like part of the family because of my dad's wife. Never will either---it is a shame to not feel like your father's daughter

There have been many situations that have happened between us and I mostly keep my mouth shut. I really feel it is her that has a problem and usually when people act childish they are jealous about something or just not happy with themselves. I have since gotten married and moved on. It comes and goes with them, my husband (who is wonderful!) says to not waste my time worrying about it. Sometimes I wonder if I still should say something or if I should have said something. I never did because I didn't want my dad to feel like he had to choose between us. Someday if my mood is right I just might. I am 34 years old and it still gets to me sometimes. Tough line to walk there--don't say something you will regret but don't regret something you didn't say.

I agree with Bess Kelly there is already "trouble in paradise" between her & your dad. Not much advice here but I do know where you are coming from. Sounds like you and your dad get along well and that's great. I hope she doesn't come between you!

 

[Marty]

"A son is a son till he takes a wife,

but a daughters a daughter for the rest of her life"

I think Miss Cindy Loo Who should get her act together before big daddy shows her drunken little buttski out the doorski before Christmasski and she lands on the cornerski looking for her lousy carton of orange juice.

 

[rabbitsfizz]

I agree wit Marty...first off talk to your Father and tell him how you feel, and how hurt James is at the suggestion that he is "free loading"

Then you need(with your fathers knowledge, if not blessing) to corner Miss Cindy at lay down the rules of the your Fathers house in black and white.

Ask her straight out, is she intending to make this relationship permanent. because, if she is, she need s to get her act together, and if she isn't, she needs to get her stuff together and leave.!!!

This is not her house, there should be no thought of you moving out, that may, if her intentions are less than honourable, be exactly what she wants.

If she is "wealthy" in her own right, now might be good time to find out how she came by that wealth.

I am not kidding!!!

 

[Triggy&Blue&Daisy Too]

Well frankly if you get along with the person usually and the upset was due to alcohol then address that part and only that part with her. It would be very foolish to do as rabbit suggests. The only thing that will come of that is that you'll have a full scale war on your hands so if that's the end result you want

well I just think it's not a very bright way to go. From your post I don't think that's where you want to be.

I'd much rather see people treat each other with respect and come to a better understanding than have it all go to $h!t. The ONLY one laying down the rules in your father's house should be your father and if he's not willing to do that then you'll unfortunately have to accept how he wants things or as I said have your own place to be able to fully control what goes on.

Please let your James know it's got nothing to do with him. When people drink it lowers inhibitions so you know this gal has already been thinking along these lines and the alcohol just loosened her tongue. Use the knowlege to your advantage and you just may turn something that has the potential to make a lot of people unhappy into something good instead.

 

[Jill]

I have a couple thoughts about this situation.

The first is, you're always going to be your dad's daughter. Girl friends are not necessarily permanent and she ought to think harder.

Second, I think you should handle this directly and to the point with Cindy. I think you should tell her without a lot of words (direct) that the way she acted the previous night is not acceptable to you. That it is YOUR house, too and you should be able to enjoy it. That you and James contribute to the fridge and mostly, that she really hurt James' feelings.

I know I sometimes say things that I regret and if someone talks to me later about it, depending on what they say, I might act better and appologize. The thing that would get to me the most is the plain truth here, that someone got their feelings hurt.

 

[justaboutgeese]

I have to agree with the other posters here. This is a control issue that this women is trying to establish. I feel for your dad because he is trying to keep you happy and secure and trying also to maintain a companion for himself. In the short time I have been alone I have found (more like shocked by the number of companions willing to help out). My advice is to listen to the above posters and before long this woman will either move on or fit in. Tell your dad that no matter what goes on you will always be his little girl.

 

[Cathy_H]

I say there is a whole lot more bigger deeper issues going on here than a few fake beers disappearing.................... Never lower yourself to someones level, confront the issues with the person that is causing them in a mature manner. If tempers start rising, say we can continue this conversation when you have calmed down & leave the room.