Parents of preteen and young teen girls

[minisaremighty]

I'm curious. My oldest is 12 (going to be 13 in May) and my middle daughter is 10 (11 in June).

They're allowed to wear make-up. Color their hair with that funky coloring stuff if they wish. Have friends over (with the exception of a couple girls who've been in trouble for making up stories about having sex with under age boys and boys over 18 as my hubby and I are afraid they will make up a story about him :new_shocked: ). Only the oldest wears make up, the younger has no interest. Both have done temp. coloring to their hair a couple times, but it's not as interesting to them since we allow it.

:

: Both have cell phones (the older has unlimited text messaging, the younger thinks texting is stupid :bgrin ) with a limited number of minutes. Mostly for emergencies (as the younger one has severe allergic reactions). Both have supervised time on the internet (2 hrs per day limit and only to approved-by-mom sites, NO MY SPACE, ever NEVER)

They're not allowed to walk from school to the "hangout" restaurant without an adult (although all their friends are allowed to). They're not allowed to be "downtown" with their friends without an adult (although all their friends are allowed to; we live in an area of approx. 100,000 people but people still have a small town attitude here).

As for sleepovers, we've been pretty restrictive on those. All the kids are doing them as early as 4 and 5 and I believe that is not appropriate. When they are allowed, they are here with their friends. They only have 2 friends whose parents we completely trust enough to allow our children there overnight.

Edited to add: I forgot the most important! NO DATING!! LOL!! We have set 16 as the official age (and they've long known that) and we tell them that we reserve the right to adjust that age when they turn 16! LOL!!!

Edited to add: Now, see, I knew I was forgetting things! I do let the girls shave and the revealing clothing is a big no-no.

I'd love to hear what other parents allow/don't allow!

:

 

[minimama]

Let's just say I am a prison guard compared to you. LOL

 

[JO~*]

Ok here goes, gotta warn you I am pretty strict.

My daughter will be 14 in March.

I let her wear lip gloss in 6th grade, 7th grade she got to use light eye shadow, 8th grade I let her use other color shadows and clear mascara, just last week I let her use brown pencil eyeliner and that is on a trial basics. I have not let her color her hair. Maybe this summer a few highlight?

I don't let her stay the night at other people's houses but I do let her friends stay here.

I don't let her go out at night except to a school dance or maybe a birthday party kind of thing at the skating rink or pizza place.

I would let her have her own cell phone if I could afford it.

I won't let her go to town with friends just to hang out.

If you ask her she would come up with all kinds of other thing I don't let her do

:

I am a worrywart but I thnik in this day you have to protect your kids more than in years gone by.

Oh ya I don't let her watch MTV or "R" movies, not even some of the "PG"13. I think a lot of that stuff if just so dump that it sucks any smarts a kid has right out their ears.

 

[minisaremighty]

Let's just say I am a prison guard compared to you. LOL

LOL!! Well, if you ask my kids I'm a prison guard too! LOL!!! We are definitely the most restrictive parents of all their friends. Actually sometimes I think we are the only ones that actually set boundaries! Geez. I guess I was raised well

:

Have to say, that all their friends REALLY like me and think my girls are lucky to have me as a mom. They see how involved we are with the kids and they just don't get that at home. Makes my kids stop and think every time one of their friends tell them what "cool" parents they have :bgrin

 

[Warpony]

I do things about the same as in the original post... I wasn't allowed to do anything until I was way into my teens, I had to sneak around to shave my legs because it wasn;t allowed and kids in gym class were calling me sasquatch. I let my daughter start doing these things in moderation when she shows interest but it is on a case by case basis. My main thing is i do not let her wear revealing clothing, some of the stuff hers friends are wearing looks like hookerwear for kids.

 

[Lisa-Ruff N Tuff Minis]

Wow well then I am the exact opposite of a prison guard.

I have a 17 yr old and a 10 yr old granted both very different children so whatever "rules" there are will be different for both.

My oldest can wear make up and has been allowed to for years although she isnt allowed foundation

She has never had a curfew the only rule is I must hear from her if plans change or at certain times like 10- midnight ect to know where she is and how things are going.

No boy can take her on a date unless I meet him first and.. have time to find out about him

She was allowed to "date" at 14 although she really never went out without a group of friends until recently.

I trust my girls - I came from a restrictive home and let me tell you it just made me all that more "wild" as when young things that are taboo are always more exciting.

from the time she was 12-13 and went to parties or out on group outings she has called when there was drinking, smoking pot or other drugs, or kids having sex anything that made her uncomfortable.

Our rule was calling home was a "safe zone" meaning I would come get her and bite my tounge and not do the 20 questions - not threaten to call the other parents(or actually do it), if she told me (only happened once) she had a sip of beer or whatever I would not go balistic or punish her unless it became an issue.

We have managed to keep communication open trust me when I say I know all of what she does, who she does it with, who else is doing what with who- we talk about everything and many of her friends come talk to me as well.

Until she shows me she cant have my trust she will have it 100 percent. I would much rather she comes to me with questions about drugs drinking and sex then be afraid of my reaction and not ask or worse ask her friends

It is hard to be honest sometimes when she asked at 13 what beer tasted like what it was like to be drunk or stoned I had to think for a minute do I lie and just say you will become an addict and go wtih that whole idea or not.

I told her you know what bottom line is at the moment it feels nice, things are funny, you feel confident- a bit more relaxed- but before you know it you arent thinking clear and almost always regret something you did or said.

Anyway it has worked very well for me with her and as Raven gets older I will have to re adjust some things like I said they are 2 very different kids but we all have a very open relationship and even Raven is included in our sex and drug Q&A sessions and has been for as long as I can remember

 

[minisaremighty]

from the time she was 12-13 and went to parties or out on group outings she has called when there was drinking, smoking pot or other drugs, or kids having sex anything that made her uncomfortable.

Our rule was calling home was a "safe zone" meaning I would come get her and bite my tounge and not do the 20 questions - not threaten to call the other parents(or actually do it), if she told me (only happened once) she had a sip of beer or whatever I would not go balistic or punish her unless it became an issue.

We have managed to keep communication open trust me when I say I know all of what she does, who she does it with, who else is doing what with who- we talk about everything and many of her friends come talk to me as well.

Until she shows me she cant have my trust she will have it 100 percent. I would much rather she comes to me with questions about drugs drinking and sex then be afraid of my reaction and not ask or worse ask her friends

My kids are allowed to go on group outings to the movies and such, but one of us is always nearby or at another movie.

We are the same here with the open communication. My kids know they can talk to me about anything and we do. Something I NEVER dreamed of as a kid! I trust my kids completely and use every opportunity I can to teach them to make good choices. Let's just say there are many kids in their school that don't and it's just another opportunity for me to teach my kids.

: However, they know if they make a bad choice, we are there for them anyway.

 

[tifflunn]

I do believe the rules (some which are general house rules - no phone calls after 9:30 unless homework/emergency, or special permission) and others are geared towards each child.

My 17 year Old son is a handful and pushes every little tiny rule or norm to the limit, and has been in so much trouble where my oldest daughter stays with in the rules with out pushing them and is considered a respected young adult.

My 14 year old- has coloured her hair a few different shades( she must pay-but with my blessings- it will grow back)

She does wear clothes that I wouldn't but nothing that I wouldn't let her out of the house in- she has tried

:

I believe lip gloss at 11

12 years- some light eye shadow

13 regular make up- now this is an ongoing discussion and education for her(as well as me), as to what amount is appropriate- I am not 100% happy with it all the time but 85%

Sleep overs have been allowed to and from families that we know and trust, mostly the kids come here to do the sleep overs because we usually have someone home.

She can leave school to go to the local pizza place with out my permission. She has never skipped a class and is on time back to class.

Dating- has only been done in a group setting ie... movies at the mall ( we really haven't come across anything to serious yet- just a bunch of kids hanging out so far)

We no longer live in the city so most of her activity is geared towards us picking her up and dropping her of at out convient time frame.

She has a cell phone- just got it for christmas- because she is in town and uses our phone so much it became a necesity for our peace of mind.

She has a My Space and MSN(with me too! and her grandma) I monitor her msn and she knows it- I also monitor her My space. She has lost her MSN privilages a year ago as did a few of her friends who got way over there heads with a few issues-

It seems to be a family thing that you can have a tv in your room at 12- no cable and such until your 13 - never had to put a limit on it for either older kids they just seem to watch before they fall asleep or when the hockey game, or my documentaries(they watch a few of these with us) is on the main room.

Now I have a 6 year old that is a entirely different handful all together

 

[PaintedPromiseRanch]

my girls are 15 (almost 16) and 17 (soon to be 18), plus a 24-year-old married and gone... i have always told them my expectations for their behavior and that i would trust them until they gave me reason not to. i felt lucky in that none of them were that interested in makeup, it was just recently that the 17-year-old started experimenting with it at the urging of friends who wanted to "play beauty parlor"... the oldest still doesn't wear any - you should have seen the trouble her wedding coordinator had talking her into makeup for the wedding - and the youngest whose friends are more into it is getting into it early, but so far not going crazy... i let them spend the night if i have met the parents, they both have phones and know to keep in touch if anything changes or if there are any problems. i feel fortunate that they understand i will not put up with certain things and they choose not to test me... however little things like not doing chores etc. are constant battles. but it's a small price to pay, they are all virtually straight A students and no problems with drugs or alcohol, in fact they think it smells and tastes nasty...and they had a good example of what NOT to do from my oldest daughter's dad who was an alcoholic... losing jobs, spending time in jail, and eventually committing suicide... i am so glad i got us away from that early on before it got so bad! as for boys, i suppose i would allow them to date but also very happy that they have shown no interest in that yet! so far they only love the boys with 4 legs and a tail :aktion033:

i probably would not have been as permissive as the original poster and am very happy that we didn't have to cross those bridges. now that the girls are older, doing some of those things is not so much a problem for me as it would have been 4-5 years ago when they were pre-teens or young teens.

edited to say, forgot about hair dye - thank goodness they are not interested in that either, i would really hate that!

 

[Miniv]

Kathy,

As you know......Bri is a PRE-preteen at 9 1/2 years old. But she is turning from being a tom-boy to a girlie-girl.

We let her wear lip gloss out. She has her little makeup kit that she experiments with at home only. No pierced ears yet, although most of her friends do. I've been puting that off as long as possible.

She's been wanting us to allow her to color her hair blonde because her hair has darkened to a light brown in the last couple of years. I say NO. I've told her how she can ruin her hair that way, but that this summer we can rinse her hair with lemon-water.

We've allowed sleep-overs with friends where we know the parents, and only on non-school nights.

We have never allowed her to go off anywhere without adult supervision. Period. This will continue until she's a teenager.

Dating age? (Larry says not until she's 30! :bgrin ) I am saying 16. But will allow group situations to the movies or something when she's 14 or 15, depending on the circumstances. A lot will depend on how responsible she is by then. Curfew will probably be midnight on non-school nights. No dates on school nights.

Inappropriate clothes? That isn't an issue yet, but she's becoming more aware of style. When she gets older, there won't be any exposed tummy or cleavage allowed as long as she's living under our roof. Same goes with any tatoos or piercings of body-parts. (Hopefully that fad will have changed by then!)

Bedtime is at 9pm, so obviously no phone calls after that. That's sort of a house-rule that we all go by. It's sort of a common curtesy.......just like no phone during dinner.

Bri is allowed to use our computers (the internet) with our supervision. Eventually she'll be allowed to have her own computer in her room but with NO internet connection. I do not believe in My Space for kids......too many child predators out there who know how to get around the so-called "blocks".

Not sure if I covered it all........Are we strict???

MA

 

[minisaremighty]

edited to say, forgot about hair dye - thank goodness they are not interested in that either, i would really hate that!

Well, we've only allowed the temp stuff, with the exception of some permanent blond streaks that really blend in. As far as make up and hair go, I figure they are a pick your battle sort of thing. It's not worth it to me and it gives them a little freedom to express themselves.

MA, if you are too strict, then so am I! LOL!! I think we are strict, but I don't think "too" strict.

:

 

[woodnldy]

Lordy You guys are not to strict, You all sound like very loving and caring parents. I only had two boys but I watched my two nieces go bonkers when they hit their teen years. It didn't help that their mom got breast cancer when they were 15 and12 and died when they were 16 and 13. Plus their dad was and is a total jerk that thinks only of himself.( another story . ) Keep the lines of communication open. That is sooo important. and as a couple of you said each child is different,scuse me, each young lady is different. Just keep them talking to you. They will say thanks later.

 

[gatorbait4sure]

Call me Prision Guard #2!

I have an 11 yo daughter who I've been pretty open with about WHY she can and cannot do things, but she has a best friend who is allowed to do many more things than my daughter is...sometimes I get the resentful comment but I think she knows why we say what we do.

She can wear lipgloss with wild abandon if she wants to, but no makeup. Sleepovers with friends are allowed but I know the parents and the rules they allow, and they know my rules...we don't make mistakes with not understanding each other (we parents).

Clothing is normal....nothing skin tight, no extra skin exposed, and modest bathing suits (she just got her first two piece last year and finds it a problem when diving (GOOD!) She aslo just took her Christmas $$$ to the mall with a friend's Mother and bought two awful things...they'll suddenly become 'missing" shortly....

No going ANYWHERE without an adult, though we just allowed her to go to the movies (G only) with a friend but parents dropping them off and picking them up.

The computer was a REAL problem a few years ago as I trusted her NOT to get into chat rooms (mind you , she was 8--9 ) and had been taking to a MAN (about nothing exciting) and signing off "Love, Me". He wanted to meet her at a Pub!!!

When I saw that I hit the roof, contacted our computer guru who checked him out, and found him to be a man in England w/o any history of anything...So I em'd him, told him I knew he'd been talking to my 8 yo daughter, and that if he ever contacted her again, I'd meet him at HIS front door with my emasculator!

We sat her down and she could see in our faces how upset we were, and has not done anything online since we know about. She IS getting parental controls put on the computer shortly as a precaution.

She also knows I go onto her computer all the time and look at everything so it is an incentive for her not to step over the line!

Prison guard #2

 

[ChrystalPaths]

Lotsa great moms here IMHO! :aktion033: I thank the powers that be that I moved to the hollow when Glacia was 12 so I never had those issues. Whew! I don't envy parents today trying to raise good kids but try you all are and that in itself says they'll turn out well. I know I worry about my Aidan's future. My 16 yr old son is locked here in the hollow too :aktion033: so he uses the internet and phone (God help me) to keep in touch with his friends. When he is up to his Dad's for 6 mos he has a cell phone for emergencies, no internet and gets around by bike when he isn;'t working. I think he's a smart kid but the other kids worry me. He's been in a few fights up there, usually defending some smaller/younger kid. I like that he trusts me to tell me the stories but it sure is hard to keep a straight face and be supportive and all instead of screaming no no no. Kids....

: OH! And he came home from Alabama with red streaked hair last summer! It was cute! Now it's really long and I like it. I know he plans on the red again this year.

:

 

[_minihorses4ever_]

I will post my rules here, to give a kid's point of view.

I am 13, and I can wear pretty much any make-up I want (as long as I don't look like a drugee, not that I would want to anyway!

: ). I just wear some black eyeliner and black mascara though, occasionally some clear lip-gloss.

I can wear most things.. I normally wear a lot of T-shirts and well fitting shirts, so that isn't really a problem.

I am not allowed to date till 15-- or something like that.. Whatever, I am fine with it. Relationships at my age are completely pointless.. Well, atleast that's what I think.

I can go out to the movies, the mall, the normal "teenage girl places", with friends. I am also allowed sleepovers, and to go to sleepovers, as long as my parents know the person isn't a drugee (do you see a pattern here? LOL).

I DO have a cell phone, with unlimited texting, and a certain amount of minutes, but I don't remember what it is. I don't talk on my cell much, I usually use the home phone.

I am not allowed on Myspace. Fine by me, some scarey people lurk there! :new_shocked:

 

[Jenn]

My daughter is only a baby, but my rules for her are pretty well already set ...

NO make up or hair dye until she's 16.

NO dating until she's 16, and then only if we meet the boy and his parents first.

NO cellphone unless she's driving. Definitely no texting. I think it's unnecessary.

NO computer or television in her room. Computer time will be supervised or take place in an area where we can easily check up on what she's doing. No Myspace or Nexopia. They are evil.

NO clothing that shows too much skin - ie. any cleavage or belly. No short shorts. No see through clothes!

All plans with friends must be cleared through me, and I WILL be checking up on her. 9:00 curfew until she's 16, then on non-school nights she can stay out until midnight.

NO drinking until she's 18 and out of the house.

NO smoking, EVER. It's a dirty, disgusting habit and I won't have it. I don't care if she's out of the house and living on her own, there will not be smoking!

NO street drugs.

I don't trust anyone, so I doubt she'd be having sleep overs with anyone other than family. She's welcome to have her friends over here anytime she wants, then I know what they're doing and I can keep an eye on them.

Kids these days seem to be in such a hurry to grow up. I also think they lack responsibility. My daughter will be raised the way I was raised - with chores and responsibilities, volunteer commitments and 4-H - and I hope she'll turn out at least half as good as I did. I'd be happy with that.

 

[kaykay]

im the mom of 4. 2 girls 2 boys. the girls are now 22 the boys 15 and 17 so yeah i have been thru a lot of teen stuff lol

i do think and have observed more times then i care to that if you really restrict kids in this age group they will just get sneaky and learn to lie or they will go nuts when they turn 18 doing everything they were restricted from when they were younger.

no cell phones until they drive

no computers in bedrooms

no tv's until they were 15

we all eat dinner together as a family every night. no phone no tv. *i think this is really important*

christie has never worn makeup or wanted to. katy has worn makeup since about 15. but shes always done it so tastefully ive never had to say a word. Neither ever tried to wear in approiate clothes. Never even had a conversation about it?

My kids have done sleepover since they were little and had friends sleep here. But i have always told them if they are uncomfortable for ANY REASON and want to come home to call no matter what time and we will come get them. They have taken us up on that several times and i have to say they all prefer to have friends here vs staying at friends.

They were always allowed to go out in groups to the mall, movies, uptown (as we call it) since about the age of 13.

That is important that they get to go out with their peers!! I cant really understand being so restrictive on that. To me thats an important part of growing up and maturing.

I am blessed that my kids have never given me a huge amount of trouble and they are all very responsible, good hearted, independant kids.

kenny pulled the old "im staying at a friends house" and his friend told his parents he was staying here. We found out the next morning where they really were. his friends parents went off the deep end over it. We chose to remain calm and talk to kenny (and kenny did call and tell me where he really was) Now I remember pulling this old trick on my parents!! It really isnt the end of the world! kenny is 17 and his friend is 18. they are testing boundaries and trying to grow up. Devon has now moved out of his parents house and in with his girflriend. Kenny is still at home going to school. This to me is a prime example of what going overboard will do and what happens when you severly restrict an older teen.

 

[luvmycritters]

Post #3

I gotta get a life...

Group: Members

Posts: 1331

Joined: 18-November 04

From: Northwest California

Member No.: 2284

Ok here goes, gotta warn you I am pretty strict.My daughter will be 14 in March.

I let her wear lip gloss in 6th grade, 7th grade she got to use light eye shadow, 8th grade I let her use other color shadows and clear mascara, just last week I let her use brown pencil eyeliner and that is on a trial basics. I have not let her color her hair. Maybe this summer a few highlight?

I don't let her stay the night at other people's houses but I do let her friends stay here.

I don't let her go out at night except to a school dance or maybe a birthday party kind of thing at the skating rink or pizza place.

I would let her have her own cell phone if I could afford it.

I won't let her go to town with friends just to hang out.

If you ask her she would come up with all kinds of other thing I don't let her do

I am a worrywart but I thnik in this day you have to protect your kids more than in years gone by.

Oh ya I don't let her watch MTV or "R" movies, not even some of the "PG"13. I think a lot of that stuff if just so dump that it sucks any smarts a kid has right out their ears.

This post has been edited by JO~*: Today, 12:41 PM

[SIZE=12pt]I have kind of done alot of the same thing that Jo has with her daughter (s). The only thing I think I do differntly - - that Jo does not let her girls do - is the movie thingy. My daughters real mom has let her watch R movies since she was young enough to NOT UNDERSTAND. She will be fifteen this year and to not let her watch these types of movies would be pointless, I do let her know I think she should not be watching them - but since she does ( every other weekend with her real mom ) what is the point? I try do the right thing by her and have raised her since she was four...No one said life was ever easy![/SIZE]

Lori