This is going to be personal, but I have no one

[lvponies]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, prayers, emails and PM's!! I knew my forum family would be there for me!!

Allen just called. I brought up that maybe he needs to talk to his doctor re possible depression. He said he's been feeling this way long before the heart attack. He's not happy and wants to find happiness. Said he would do whatever he could so that I could keep this place. Said he doesn't want anything from it. Said he would sell his trucks (he has some "antique" trucks), tractor, etc to pay off bills. Said he doesn't want to make hay anymore. Said maybe I should downsize the horses so I don't have as many to take care of. I'm just scared about all the stuff that always comes up that needs to be done. Fixing stuff, etc. He just doesn't want to be tied down and wants to be "free"!! Told him that once he throws us and this place away, there's no getting it back.

Got to crying on the phone with him again. Told him I had to go as I had to get on the phone for work. Working has been really hard today!!

This is absolutely killing me!!!

 

[Kitty]

Well he said it : I don't wait to make hay anymore. My husband HATES haying so I can see that as a major problem. We had a big war over it last year. It is a hard time consuming job. I am looking into having someone hay for us and just paying them so much a bale. Still cheaper than finding it and buying outright.

I would make him sit down tonight and write out his doesn't want to do anymore list and his he doesn't mind list and you do the same. Often spouses don't realize how much they do for each other and you just take for granted and he needs to realize you do alot for him also. He is definitely having a mid life crisis. Is he close to 50? Alot of people freak out at 50. My other half turns 50 this year and I see it coming already. So I'm going to humor him with golf clubs and send him on his merry way.

Cry. It is a stress reliever and then drink some tea to help with calming. Work can wait !!!!!!

 

[CyndiM]

So many have given good advise so I'll just give [SIZE=14pt]((((HUGS)))) [/SIZE] .

 

[mininik]

Be strong and know that you'll be okay no matter what happens.

 

[Buckskin gal]

Aww, my heart truly goes out to you. Life can seem so cruel at times. I will hope and pray that everything turns out the best for you and your family. HUGS AND MORE HUGS

 

[Equuisize]

Sendng you {{{HUGS}}} You are lovable, don't ever forget that!!!

My gut reaction when I read your story - was get him to a doctor.

Be sure his heart is still healthy.

I think a health scare like a heart attack may start all kinds of

thought processes in one's mind.

As in reaching for all those put aside dreams that somehow get

forgotten, as you think you'l have forever to do them.

No matter how deeply he buries his emotions, there is fear.

I am very sure he was in love with you and still loves you.

Be strong, however this turns out, you can do this.

We're all here for you.

 

[flamingstar]

So sorry my friend. Depression is a nasty thing that rears it head when you least expect it. If this is unsalvagable, ask if you can maybe try living apart for a while. Sometimes that puts a different perspective on things, but he definitely needs to go to his doctor and explain what is going on.

Just remember that you have the backing and love of thousands of friends on here. Each and everyone of us hurts when we hear or see one of our own is sad, and we would be willing to help out in any way that we could possibly help. Even if it is just being a sounding board.

Just make sure that you keep your chin up, and that you do take care of yourself.

Hugs to you,

Vicki

 

[dreammountainminis]

Hi Kim,

I sent you a pm ..maybe if he does not want to do hay , I know in my area if you have your own equiptment some one would come in and do hay for you if you give them some of the hay..Hay has been scarce lately someone would be more that willing to come and do it ..Post a note in the bullitin board and at your local tractor supply that may help...I am sorry for what he is putting you through , I would also have him checked for depression .

 

[Jill]

Kim,

I am so sorry to be reading this!

Would he be open to trying counselling, like if up front you both agree to try it for X number of sessions and see if it helps?

Is there room where he can have more freedom (less farm responsibilities)?

I wish so much I knew some solutions.

You are very much in my thoughts!

Jill

 

[anoki]

I am so, so sorry to read this.....and I don't have anything to add to what others have already posted.

The only thing I can say is I hope you are both able to sit down and talk....REALLY talk about it before any decisions are made.

((((hugs)))) to you.....

~kathryn

 

[lvponies]

Unfortunately, I don't think counselling will help. The man says he no longer loves me and that I can't make someone love me if they don't. The feelings are gone. No amount of counselling or talking it out will bring them back. He doesn't want me, the farm, his daughters or his things anymore. He just wants to be alone to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it.

Allen really is a good & decent man. He has tried very hard during our marriage to never hurt me and to do what I needed him to do. I hope he finds the happiness he's looking for. Just wish it were with me. I've told him repeatedly that I love him with my whole heart. Doesn't seem to make any difference at all. His mind is made up!! I can't really find any anger towards him right now. I'm sure that will come, but all I feel right now is sadness and hurt. He says that we never had a happy marriage at all. It wasn't a bad marriage, I don't think. Not perfect at all, but wasn't hate filled or filled with fighting.

Been thinking about the farm....I've always relied on him for hay. Are there people out there who will deliver hay and unload/stack it for you? For a fee of course. Also, are there handy men type people you can hire to do repairs around a farm? I've seen ads before in the paper, but how would you know who you could trust? I think if I cut down on the number of horses I have by maybe 1/2 and can figure out the hay & repair situations, I could financially swing this place on my own. Of course, there would be belt tightening, but it's doable, I think. Maybe.

How on earth could I ever decide which horses to sell? I love them all. How would I find good homes for them where they will be loved?

Am I over thinking this whole situation? Should I just let it ride for a few days? My brain is spinning!!!

Thank you all for being there for me. I really couldn't get through this if it wasn't for the niceness of the forum family. I appreciate you all listening, sending hugs, sending phone numbers and being there for me. {{{HUGS}}} right back to you all.

 

[Kitty]

Lots of people will hay for you. Either a flat rate or by the truckload and for a fee will unload. I can have someone come in here and round bale for $6 a round bale. I can't beat that..

And I bet you learn how to fix things

, even if hopefully it will work out and this was just a bad dream for you. Every girl should know some basics

When Rick isn't around I learn in a hurry and you can always call here and he could walk you thru it. He is the handyman of all handymen.

I feel for you. Lots of things to think about. And you never know. Maybe if he takes alittle time to get away from the situation he will miss it and realize he was wrong.

And I gotta tell you a person as talented as you is destined for great things. You are a awesome artist

Lots of hugs here

 

[anoki]

Am I over thinking this whole situation? Should I just let it ride for a few days? My brain is spinning!!!

DON'T jump to doing any thing just yet. Let things settle for a few days....a week....2 weeks.....don't make any decisions until things have settled a bit. You will regret quick decisions if they didn't need to be carried out after all.

I can't imagine how you are feeling right now.....

((((hugs))))

~kathryn

 

[RENMACMINIS]

Kim, (((((Hugs)))))

I am sorry you are going thru this rough patch. There are lots of people here in WV that will come in and hay for you.. Either using your equipment and then you pay them x amount of dollars or using your equipment and charging you by the bale or by taking some of the hay. Also alot of the old time farmers will come bale your hay using their equipment for a small charge per bale or for some of the hay. Another option is a hired hand give him or HER room/board and feed them and/or a small pay and they could do your repairs of bale your hay another option is college students or high school students.. especially in our area a FFA or 4H member would jump on the chance to work on a farm doing maintence/making hay etc for the experience. Or you could offer them space in your barn to house their project animal in exchange for them helping you out. They could also unload and stack your hay if you decided to buy it. Which could be an option for you.. You could always lease/rent out your hayfields and use that money to buy your hay..I am not sure how many horses you currently have but I wouldnt sell any at this point in time. See if you can manage the ones you have now and if you cant then sell them off one by one until you get to the point where you can manage that number. My husband likes to bale hay even though he doesnt like my horses b/c it lets him tinker around with the equipment and be outside. LOL>. I will rent him out to you... if you need him.. I am also a phone call away if you want to talk or to even come visit just to get away from all of that for at least a little while. I will pm you with my numbers.

A Friend, Sherry

 

[Cathy_H]

I am so sorry to hear this. Could you or would you want to agree to divide the house into two separate living areas - his & yours? Agree to go your separate ways but be there during necessary times of need. This would be tremendously hard though especially if you found out he was seeing other women...You would have to agree to stay out of each others personal business & relationships..... We know a couple that have been divorcing for years yet are living in the same house for convenience & financial reasons....................... Best of luck to you !

 

[Riverdance]

I am sorry that you are going through this.

But, some of us have already been there. It will take some time, but in the end you will be stronger for it and find out that living alone is not so bad. I left my husband 10 years ago. He was cheating on me and I had enough. I found a nice Hobby Farm that I thought I could take care of myself and moved.

I raise and show these horses myself. I found a farmer that I buy hay from who delivers it and stacks it for me. I also buy my grain from him. He will fix machinery or repair fences for me if I need it and I always pay him. I hire a handy man when I need other things fixed that I can not do. I have lots to look forward to (the babies each spring and summer, clipping my yearlings down and going to horse shows.) and I actually enjoy my freedom and am not sure I could have a man around anymore. I can go, do, buy what I want when I want. It is kind of nice!!

You will be lonely for a while, it took me about 2 years, but I did grow stronger and very independent, and I AM LOVING IT!!

Good luck!!

 

[Champagne Valley Farm]

I am so sorry you are going through this....it looks as though you have more support here then you could find anywhere else!

I'll just say this for you. My mother never was a career woman. She passed up the opportunity to be a business woman to stay home and raise us brat kids! God bless her!! In turn she never had "real" friends. Sure she would occasionally talk with the neighbor ladies but nothing solid. Like being able to pick up the phone and just talk with someone aobut any problems she had or just to have someone to share things with. My parents marriage wasn't a walk in the park and things came close to ending for the both of them. Needless to say they were able to work through the problems but the scars still remain. About three years ago my father had a job take him out of state and that left my mother and me to care for the farm. No big deal if I was around as I could do the heavy stuff. But with my work schedule sometimes I wouldn't and couldn't be there to help with some things. A few of the neighbor men were very helpful and would help with the real heavy stuff that neither her nor I could handle. But for the most part my mother became quite independent on fixing things and jimmy rigging things until someone else could come fix it. She also became involved with the red hat society and became friends with other ladies. They went on fun little trips and such and had a good time. Now that they have moved she found a local church and got involved in one of the women's bible studies and has made some very wonderful friendships with the ladies. It now gives her something to do and have as her own while my father is at work or gone on business trips. She takes full charge of the barn (mind you we did scale back on the number of horses for her now then what we had in the past) but she's done well.

I guess through all that rambaling I'm just trying to say don't throw in the hat just yet. Put things down on paper finanacially and labor wise. Find out your limit on work load and what you can afford. Then go from there. Also don't just think you have to sell out the horses. Try leasing. Free leasing off the premesis or do a farm lease (for a fee) and the person takes care of the horse. We did this through our local 4H and it was wonderful. It helped pay for farm expenses and the horses got the attention they needed. The way the market is now there would be so many people interested in just leasing your horses instead of going through the expense of buying one.

You seem like a resiliant woman and I think you will come out of this on top. We are all here for you and I suggest finding groups or clubs to get involved with to help you get through this. To help you find some good friends to give you those much needed hugs and the support you need. I think your horses will help you with this too.

 

[Reijel's Mom]

You've been given a lot of great advice, just wanted to add my sympathy over your situation - how rotten

 

[Magic]

You've gotten a lot of good advice here. I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say that I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. {{{hugs}}}}

 

[MeadowRidge Farm]

Alot of great advice here, so I guess all I am going to say is (((hugs))) and never feel and I do mean NEVER feel like your without a friend we're all here for you. You can email me anytime you want, I have big shoulders and your more then welcome to use them. (((dbl hugs))) Corinne