# Had to watch my baby led away in handcuffs last night!!



## lvponies (Jun 26, 2007)

My daughter is only 16. She's gotten involved in doing drugs. As a result, she's gotten physically violent with my husband, my 14 year old daughter and me. Sunday night I found her at a known drug dealer's house with her boyfriend (who is 19). As they walked out of the house, he had to support Mary as she was staggering and having trouble walking. I got her in my car and immediately noticed that she was slurring her words, sounding hoarse and at times sqeeky when she spoke. Got her home and the night from heck started. Fighting, screaming, attacking us, breaking things, her boyfriend calling and being nasty. Found about 10 pills in her purse and looked them up on the internet. Said they were Tylenol 3 with codeine for which she doesn't have a prescription. She threatened us with a knife, a large shard of glass from a broken mirror, a broken glass candle holder and a door stop. We didn't get to bed until about 3:00 AM. Didn't call the police as we had done that back at the end of December when similar things happened. The police said then that there wasn't anything they could do with her. Couldn't take her anywhere even though my husband and I were bleeding and she had broken my glasses. Apparently in WV, they have to get a prosecutor into the magistrate's office and have a hearing in order to put her in juvie. They said at that time that the prosecutors usually wouldn't do it.

So....anyway....yesterday was quiet as she stayed in bed most of the day. Had told her that she couldn't use the phone to call her boyfriend and if he was caught over here, we would have him arrested for trespassing. Told him that too. My younger daughter and I went out to get takeout for dinner. I came back and Mary had attacked my husband trying to get to the phone. I called 911. 2 policemen came, one with a drug dog. As they were walking in the front door, Mary attacked her sister. The police came in and put her in handcuffs and sat her hiney down. Told them everything that had happened the night before and gave them the pills we found. They brought the drug dog in but all he found was pot residue in her room. Mary admitted while they were here that she had done heroin the night before and that she had stolen the pills (which were really Darvocets) from her grandmother's medicine cabinet when we were there the day before. My M-I-L has chronic pain from her back and her legs. When I called her about the pills, she said that she had a brand new bottle with 100 pills in it that was hidden in her cabinet. There were 51 pills missing out of the bottle ( we only found about 10 pills in Mary's purse)!! I really emphasized with the policemen that we were afraid for our lives and couldn't live like this. One of them told us that he wouldn't leave her here and would find a way to get her to juvie. It look a couple of hours and sending a State Trooper to a prosecutor's home to bring him in for the special hearing, but the policeman was good on his word. They led my baby girl out of the door into a police car in handcuffs.

I have mixed emotions about all this. I know being in juvie is a good thing. It will get her away from the boyfriend, get her away from drugs and hopefully she will do some hard thinking in there and decide to straighten out her life. But......it was just so hard seeing her taken away. She's my first born and I love her. Regardless of what she's done, she will always have my heart.




:

The policemen said that she will have a hearing where it will be determined how long she would stay in juvie. They said to expect that she will be there at least through the summer, but it could be longer. She will be a senior in high school this year. Hate to think she will miss all that, but she really brought this on herself. I had told her back in December that if she wanted to live with us that she had to abide by our rules......no drugs, respect at all times for her family....just being a good girl or else!!

It seems weird without her here. She called a few minutes ago and I guess she's doing ok. Told her I loved her and hoped she would do some thinking while she's in there. Only got attitude back from her. Didn't expect anything different!!

Just on a side note re the boyfriend.....when Mary was acting up in December and we called 911, they searched her room and found naked pix of her and the boyfriend. The boyfriend was found guilty of contributing to the delinquency of a minor and did some jail time. Just got out at the end of April. Anyway.....last night they found letters he had written Mary while he was in jail. I hadn't read them, but they said since there was sexual content in them and he had written them while being in jail due to nude pix, that they may be able to arrest him. Hope they do!!!

If you get a chance, I would appreciate your thoughts and prayers for Mary. She's not normally a bad kid, but drugs and the wrong choice of a boyfriend have her started down a path that I'd rather she get off of. NOW!!

Thank you for listening and being there for me. I really do appreciate it!!

Kim


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## Danielle_E. (Jun 26, 2007)

Oh Kim :no: what a heavy burden you have as a mother. You did the most loving thing you could have and that took "guts". I hope your entire family can "heal" but especially your daughter. She has her whole life ahead of her and hopefully she will now be able to "see" that where she is and can't get at the drugs. Bless all of you, your entire family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I don't think there is anything more difficult than raising children. Hugs to you.


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## LindaL (Jun 26, 2007)

I'm really sorry to hear about the things that are going on with your daughter. While I think that juvie may be good to keep her (and your family) safe for now...she is still a drug addict and will need intensive treatment. I hope you will get it for her, so you can have your daughter "back".

Good luck and keep us updated.


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## Marty (Jun 26, 2007)

What a mess. I'm so sorry.

Although my kids were never into drugs or alcohol, they still got in all sorts of other stupid troubles. At one point, the hus decided to play hardball with Michael and tried "tuff love" . I must tell you that it backfired terribly and just made matters worse so go slowly in making your decisions.

I know here for a fact that in juvi-jail there are plenty of drugs to be had easily, so don't kid yourself in thinking that it's necessarily a good place, but at least she is away from the boyfriend. In this state we have something called "unruly teen" but not sure exactly how that works but you may want to check and see what is available to you in yours. There must be a way to get her some therapy/counselling/rehab available.

I hope you can find someone qualified to help guide you through this difficult time.

I am so very sorry this has happened to your family.


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## Mona (Jun 26, 2007)

Oh no, I am so very sorry. You did the right thing, and what needed to be done. When she gets out, the healing and rehabilitation will have to continue. These drugs drugs out there are ruining, and even ending our children's lives. :no: Wishing you the best of luck, from one concerned Mom to another. (((HUGS)))


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## zoey829 (Jun 26, 2007)

Oh Kim I am so sorry for you. I had no idea you were going through this. I have seen your posts on the other board and you have been so helpful. Now it is my turn.

Your situation is so sad. Remember it is the drugs talking not her. So you have to do what you have to do. Her getting help is the best thing. You mentioned her being a senior. Belive me if she dont get help she would not get through her senior yr. She can always go back. She is so beyond the senior yr right now. You also need to focus on your other daughter too. This is a long road ahead. Dont give up. What I have seen the most is parents in denial. Love her and be thier for her. I lost my nephew this yr to drugs. He hung himself in my brothers barn. SO sad. It was all drug related. Please get her away frm the boyfriend. Take you safety seriously and do what you can to help her but not in harms way of your other daughter.

I know I am rambling but I have seen this way too often. I am a high school teacher and I have heartbreak every year.

My cousin's son has a court date for drung on the 11th. I pray they send him for help since his mother is in such denial about the whole drug thing. You are not alone. You and your family are in my prayers!!!

Love ya


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## ClickMini (Jun 26, 2007)

I am so terribly sorry you are going through this. Your experience is pretty much identical to what I was going through 3 years ago. We experienced your exact same scenario at one point. My daughter was declared an "At Risk Youth" on our petition, which gave us an opportunity to have court-assigned sanctions placed on her if she did not perform to our agreements. At one point after that my daughter overdosed on alcohol and cocaine, and was admitted to the hospital not breathing. My baby was a heartbeat away from death. It was the worst, darkest, most horrible period of my life, and hers. We have come back from that brink, thank goodness. She is now a young mother of an absolutely perfectly beautiful daughter, completed her GED, and is attending beauty school. She still has some bumps in the road here and there, but is really starting to get it together. I am so proud of her. My prayers will be with your family as you travel this path, it is a long one, rocky and difficult. At some points you may be on your knees begging for mercy. You are not alone. Stay with your baby, she needs you more than ever though she will never admit it. When my daughter was violent I wrapped my arms around her like a straight jacket and would not let go. The entire time I would be saying over and over again, I can't let you do this, I love you too much to let this go on. I have had my glasses broken, I have been bitten, hit and kicked at various times at pretty much that age 15-16. My daughter and I are now pretty close, she is 19 years. She knows that no matter what she can count on me, not to enable, but to love unconditionally. Sending huge hugs and much love to you, you are going to need all the strength you can muster to get through this.

Edited to add: I know what it is like to be scared of your child. During my daughter's problems I had installed a deadbolt on my bedroom door and I was scared that either she or someone she knew would hurt my animals to get back at me. I pretty much slept with one eye open at all times. Back then, I am sure she would have been glad to know I had those feelings. But now I know that it hurts her heart to know she did that to me. Keep believing in your daughter and in a good outcome, never let it go. There will be a bright and beautiful sunrise on the other side of this darkest of nights.


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## Crabby-Chicken (Jun 26, 2007)

You have done the right thing, definately. I worry about you, your husband and daughter. What trauma to go through for all of you. She, has made her choices. You guys did not choose to live like this. I hope there are state interventions that can help your family. I am so sorry for all of you. It is heck.


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## zoey829 (Jun 26, 2007)

I am so glad you had a happy ending. Your daughter sounds like she bloomed into a beautiful woman. Kudos to you and her.


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## tifflunn (Jun 26, 2007)

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} and more {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am so sorry- Please hang in there – we are probably a month ahead of you with our (just turned 18 ) son- He has been fighting with drugs and his issues on and off for a few years now- he had the option of cleaning up or leaving- he left -came back-treatments are available ( no good unless they want the help) had to call the police due his viloence ( not the first time), hired drug dogs to check our place out for drugs-suspensions from schools, jail time- anyhow been there done that and still doing that-(he is not living with us at the moment and due to his issues can not return here unless he is actively seeking help for his issues) your familys safety must come first ( and your younger children- and we also know what being afraid of your child is like) and then you do what you can to help your child through the situations they are in- - this is a heart wrenching issue with no one answer or easy solutions as you already know.

Feel free to PM even just to vent. We are thinking of you!

Tiffany


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## MeadowRidge Farm (Jun 26, 2007)

Kim, I am so sorry you and your family have to go thru all of this. You have done the right thing, by getting her the help she needs. Prayers and hugs for you and your family while you ogo thru this horrible time. Corinne


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## PaintedPromiseRanch (Jun 26, 2007)

oh Kim!!!! there just aren't words... i am so sorry to hear of your troubles, sending lots of {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}} your way!!!!! lots of good advice here sounds like, i guess i am lucky because i have no experience with this.... unless you count an ex-husband. i cannot imagine how horrible this must be for you. please do not forget we are all here for you



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## FoRebel (Jun 26, 2007)

Oh Kim, I'm sorry that this has happened to your family. Hopefully things will turn out for the better and you, your family and daughter can get some help now. Remember she hasn't only hurt herself but she has abused you and your family too, so your family may benifit from some outside help as well....

HUGS! My thoughts and prayers are with your daughter, you and your family!


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## wildoak (Jun 26, 2007)

I empathize with you, it's not an easy road nor is it one that will get behind you for a long time to come. Glad your daughter is in a safe place, and prayers that she is able to get clean and stay clean.

Jan


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## Cara (Jun 26, 2007)

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: yea of course i will pray for your family , i had a friend sorta like that but he didn't get to the point were he would try to hurt people. thank god i got to him in time. i know how you feel, its hard hopefully mary will come around, and have more respect for herself and you. i will pray evey nite



:


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## lvponies (Jun 26, 2007)

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers!! I really, really appreciate it very much!! This is so heart wrenching for me, but I know we're doing the right thing.

Her case manager called me this morning to tell me about visitor's hours and phone calls. She's allowed 1 phone call Tuesday and Thursday evenings for a max of 10 minutes. Only her immediate family is allowed to have contact with her. Visiting hours are on Saturdays and Sundays for 1/2 hour. The state has appointed an attorney for her who will be representing her interests. I guess the 1st step will be a preliminary hearing where they determine if there are grounds to move forward. Chances are that she will be referred to another facility where she will undergo a 2 month psychological evaluation to determine what is best to do for her. I guess we wait and see. When Mary called this morning, she said that she will have her hearing and get out of there. Don't think so!!

The case manager said that I have the option to contact Mary's attorney and have him request bond for her. I told her that I don't want Mary home at this point. She was very nice and told me to not feel guilty for feeling that way. She said some parents do bond their kids out and they never learn that there are consequences for their actions!! Tough Love......here we go!!!

Mary will be going to school while she's there as they have school all year round. The case mgr said the teachers are very good and all have their masters degrees. She said that the guidance counselor there will contact the guidance counselor at the high school and try to make sure Mary is working on all her credits to graduate in May 08. She said the credits earned there will be transferred to the high school.

Mary has a concrete room by herself with a concrete slab coming out of the wall. There is a pad on the concrete slab for her mattress and a steel toilet in the room. The doors are open/closed by a control panel, so no one is allowed in her room except her. They furnish all her toiletry items. Doubt if she will be getting the expensive shampoos and hair products that she is used to!! The case mgr said it is a jail. She wanted to prepare me for when we visit that Mary will be wearing an orange jumpsuit.

So......I just hope she learns something from all this and changes her life around!!!


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## ~Karen~ (Jun 26, 2007)

{{{HUGS}}} I feel your pain,

I am so sorry to hear that for you, your husband and Mary. I hope that they can get her the help she needs and that she does alot of thinking and soul-searching while she is spending time in there. By the sounds of it, I don't like the way the laws are in your area when it comes to this sort of thing, what you had to go through before receiving help. It's sad that she got caught up in such a bad choice for a boyfriend. Can you get a restraining order against him? If there is any way possible that you can get her into a treatment facility, I'd be glad to reccommend Deveroux near Galvaston Tx. My daughter had to go there and I was really pleased with their program. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'll be glad to listen. I've been down some rocky roads with my own 1st born daughter (although not quite the same situation, but some very difficult times still yet). Just PM me. I'll keep your family in my thoughts and prayers. I know it is so hard to raise children and especially teenagers and during this day and age.

~Karen


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## zoey829 (Jun 26, 2007)

Belive it or not you are on the right track. Dont feel bad about the bond. You have to protect your family and her. I looked at your web site and those girls are beautiful! May God bless. Please keep us posted.


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## Jill (Jun 26, 2007)

Kim --

I am sorry for what you and your family are going through! I think that it may be a blessing that your daughter is as young as she is right now -- where you are able to force her to help at this age and if she were older, it would probably be harder. I will be thinking of you!

Jill


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## mydaddysjag (Jun 26, 2007)

If they cant keep her in a juvinile system she may be better off in a residential program. Hate to admit it but about 10 years ago I was pretty out of control (not on drugs etc) and my family had me admitted to a residential program. I hated them for it for the first few months, but now Im glad thats what they did, or who knows what I would be doing now. The residential program is structured, it has school there, they have group meetings geared towards things like drug abuse, peer pressure, depression etc. Every minute of your day is basically scheduled for you, but it teaches kids structure. I have known plenty of kids who go through juvenile to only come out knowing more ways to get away with or be sneaky about the same crap they were doing before they went in. The residential program actually TEACHES you why not to do the stuff, the consequences, etc. In the last 2 years I have had a few friends and aquantiences die over drug related things, and I only wish that their parents would have known what to do with them before it esciladed to the level it did. I lived in the residential for a few months, with visitation only on weekends, and after a while I was allowed to go home for the weekends and holidays. It was good that way because it transitioned me back into home life, and it was testing me to see if I could control myself at home.

I went from an out of control kid who attacked family, didnt go to school, and basically did what I wanted (thorugh NO FAULT OF MY FAMILY) to a pretty well rounded young adult progressing in life well. Im golad my mom had the strength to send me away to somewhere to get help, or who knows where I would be now.


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## AppyLover2 (Jun 26, 2007)

I admire your strength!!! It's hard turning someone we love over to others, but in extreme cases it's the best thing we can do for....them and for ourselves. Stay strong. I finally contacted the authorities when I realized someone who knew more than I did was the only hope. A mother's love endures slights, pain and indifference. Actually.....I think being a parent is very over-rated!!




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## MInx (Jun 26, 2007)

* :aktion033: BRAVO! How very brave of you to vent all this to us but then you know we are a 'family' and have all had our own trials and tribulations!*

Is there any chance the court could send her to the West say to Utah to one of those rehab ranches? If it's ordered through the court the state will pay for it , if not it costs about $4000 a month!

We know!

We faced this same stuff minus the drugs, and never got the child in question out there due to not being arressted so no court involved and our family certainly doesn't have that kind of money.!

I know there's been some negative press about "Outward Bound" type stuff and the return rate isn't terrific but it can help and youd know she was safe and you could get your family a respite from what must be substantial stress.

Just an idea you might ask the court about.

Maxine


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## MBhorses (Jun 26, 2007)

:no: i am so sorry for your hurting with your daughter. My brothers got into drugs, that is why we have custody of my neice right now Skylar. Drugs can't hurt, kick and destroy them and those they care about. My boys got so bad they sold all their stuff in their house. They both stole money and things from friends and family members. Both have been in and out of,but go back to the bad stuff again. The Lord has help our family alot without him we will be lost. We will be praying for you all.



: Know you are not the only one who has or is going throught this. We try to tell others about my brothers to maybe help someone else from doing it.

God bless you all,

melissa


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## Miniv (Jun 26, 2007)

Bless you! What you did was "tough love" and is sometimes necessary.

I read a young person's post just above who hopefully gave you a young person's perspective on things and she actually AGREED with your actions, overall.

You are so obviously walking a delicate fine line and I admire you for your decision. Your 16 year old is on a road where she will hopefully get some help when she was denying the help YOU had to offer. And at the same time you have another young person that needs protecting too........

Again, I say Bless you!

MA


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## nootka (Jun 27, 2007)

I am so sorry for what you are going through, and just know that you are doing your best in this situation out of love for her. I think someday she will fully realize exactly how much you love her even if her judgment is clouded, now, due to youth and her problems.

I wish I had anything to say that would help as I've only been on the other side of the coin at this point (I was the kid of a drug addict though I did not do drugs myself), I do worry for my kids and so far, so good. Getting professional help for her is a good idea since too often the emotions involved in family relationships actually hinder the process of recovery.

My best to you and to her....

Liz M.


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## lovinarabs (Jun 27, 2007)

Oh man. My sympathies go out to you and your family. I was the youngest sibling to an abusive older brother and he didn't have the excuse of drugs. He was just messed up. And I remember the fights and the suicide attempts like they were yesterday. You're doing the best thing for your daughter and the rest of your family. I hope she is able to straighten herself out and you can resume some normalcy in your lives. Keep the faith.


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## backwoodsnanny (Jun 27, 2007)

Prayers from here as well. You have a PM.


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## HGFarm (Jun 27, 2007)

So sorry to hear of the problems!! I sure know how you feel. Are there any groups in your area on Tough Love? She is old enough that she is going to have to figure out what she wants to do and where she wants to go in life.

I hope that she can get into some councelling or something to help her, and you guys. However, if she chooses not to, you cannot MAKE her quit. I know someone whose sister is a meth addict and has been for years (I'm really surprized she's still alive) and has been court ordered to rehab, done jail time, etc.. etc.. and the gal is in about her mid 30's and so stoned out of her head she has NO idea what she is doing and will ask the same question over and over about 10 times. She can't function, hold a job, or even a conversation. She has chosen this way of life and will not stay off the drugs. The grandmother keeps giving her a place to stay, gives her money, etc... thinking that she is helping her and that the gal will quit, but it just makes it easier for her to continue her lifestyle. Her latest escapade was getting thrown out of her apartment she had with a dealer for a brief time, and she drove around in her car for DAYS with her 2 cats - ok it is about 109 degrees here and the vehicles get to oven temperatures) and the cats died in the car and were still there days later. She couldnt figure out why her car 'smelled funny'.

Just sending her to juvie is not going to make her quit doing the drugs. The rehab success rate, last time I looked, was about 3%. Not good. I hope that she can get some help, to find out WHY she thinks she needs to do this to herself, and hopefully will get things straightened out!! Otherwise, she may be right back with the same people when she gets out.

Can the boyfriend be turned in again for what he is doing? Can restraining orders be filed? I am shocked that that is what it took to get her picked up and into some place where she can think for a bit..... wow.

Please look into any councelling programs or ANYTHING that is offered for the family.

My heart aches for you- it's not going to be easy, but you must be tough and keep going. Give the rest of your family big hugs and work together on this.

Am sending you a PM


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## PrestigeMiniHorses (Jun 27, 2007)

Oh Kim.....I know how you feel or atleast my mom does. My younger sister, Kally, just turned 17 aand has been clean for almost 6 months. She has been in rehabs and juvie. Right now she's getting random drug tests done monthly just about. She used to bite, kick, sneak out, etc. And she would cuss like a sailor. I tell ya we thought there was nothing she couldn't do. My mom would cry all night long with the things she would say. She broke alot of my moms things. She was dating a guy way older than her. I think he was maybe 22ish. She lied all the time. The guy she was dating actually raped her while they were at work together. He's doing jail time now thank heavens. But for the longest time she wouldnt straighten up at all. The rehab center in pueblo, CO had to bring in this one lady that wouldnt let my sister walk over here. kally got mad but this lady knew what to do. she was able to crack my sister and made my sister realize that wasnt the place to be. shes doing better now but we are still at risk of her falling back into the system again.

Kim I will pray for you and your family. Where there is a will there is a way. And she has to admit there's a problem first. and in order to change her ways shes gotta do it herself. she will end up there again if she doesnt...


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## Diana (Jun 27, 2007)

Kim, So sorry to hear about your troubles. I'm sure that it helped you a bit in writing this down to share with all of us. Hang in there and hopefully the courts will take over and help her out. I'm sure that there is a wonderful girl down inside and will come out in time. Some of us don't know how lucky we are that our children didn't turn to drugs, drinking or wild boys/girls. I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts. Please keep us posted if only a place for you to vent. We are all there for you and your family


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## runamuk (Jun 27, 2007)

Sending hugs your way.

I completely understand what you are going through if you want to PM or email ever feel free. I have been battling this with my son for going on 4 years, he will be 16 next month. We moved back to WA and finally are able to get some help for him, Idaho had very little in the way of programs. He has just done another 70 days in juvie he has an ARY petition and is on probation......tomorrow is the big day............there is finally a bed at a long term drug rehab and hopefully sending him there clean/sober will help him make some progress. Our juvie the kids cannot even get cigarettes, let alone drugs so we know he is going into treatment clean and not going through withdrawls etc.......

It's all about choices, and some kids seem determined to make poor ones no matter how hard we as parents try to support and direct them down the right path. :no:

As I said holler any time.


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## lvponies (Jun 27, 2007)

I cannot tell you how much the posts, PM's and words of encouragment and support have meant to me. You all are truly amazing people to care so much about someone you've never met. I deeply appreciate you all being there for me!!! Big {{{HUGS}}} to you all!!!



: You have all helped me so much!! Thank You!!!

I spoke to Mary last night. She seemed to be doing ok so far. The only thing she wanted was for me to call the boyfriend and get his mailing address so she could write him. Sorry, kid of mine, not going happen!!! I am sincerely hoping that she will get over him while she's away, but I remember being 16 and totally obsessed with a boy to the point that nothing else in life matters. All I can do is hope he moves on to someone else!! Some of you mentioned a restraining order against the boyfriend....the police told me the other night that since he's of age and she's not, all I had to do was tell them that I don't want Mary with him. If they see them together, he will be arrested. Said they arrested someone last week for just that reason. Boyfriend has also been told that if he comes over here, he will be arrested for trespassing. I don't know if the police went to talk to him or not, or were able to arrest him for anything or not.

Mary said that they did a drug test on her and it came back clean, but in the next sentence said that she was being kept in a holding cell last night in case she suffered drug withdrawals. Don't know what's true and according to the case manager, they can't share any of that info with me because of the HIPPA privacy laws. She said she couldn't even tell me if they had to take Mary to a doctor for some reason. Don't quite understand that as she is a minor child and I would think the parents would be entitled to be told about any medical conditions she's being treated for.

Mary asked me on the phone last night if she really said she wanted to kill me in front of the police. Yes she did!! She also admitted in front of the police that she had done heroin the night before, but she's still telling me that she hasn't done any drugs. I told her that if that's true, it was pretty dumb to say you did heroin right in front of the police!!! Might have thought that one through just a little better before she opened her mouth!!



:

Mary didn't want to talk to her dad on the phone last night and that hurt his feelings. He had a heart attack in January and has been suffering some as the result of all this stress. He's just worn out!! My younger daughter, Bethany, is still nervous as Mary had threatened to have some of her friends come over to beat us up and do stuff to the house. She's having some difficulty sleeping as a result and so are we as she comes in our room in the middle of the night to tell us about noises she's hearing. Hoping she starts to feel more comfortable as time goes on.

Thank you all again for your support!! I just cannot express in words how much it means to me!!!

Kim


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## wildoak (Jun 27, 2007)

Kim, just a suggestion.....from one who has been there. Have your daughter sign releases with everyone that allows them to talk to you about her. From therapists to attorneys to doctors - esp if you are footing the bill and she's underage I would not give her a choice. She either signs the releases or you don't help her through this. It will give you a much greater insight to what's going on, as there are times they will open up a bit more to a relative stranger.

Glad she sounds like she is responding a bit now, hang in there.

Jan


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## lvponies (Jun 27, 2007)

Jan....thank you for the suggestions about the releases. I will look into that.

Don't know how true this is, but my younger daughter spoke with a friend over the internet. Her mother works at the juvenile facility where Mary is. The mother told the daughter (and told her not to tell!) that Mary tested positive for meth, heroin, crack and pot. Unbelievable!! Like I said, don't know if this is true or not, but if it is, I'm guessing that the combination of all these drugs contributed to her violence and anger.

Oh....and she also heard that the boyfriend's mother is going around telling people that we beat Mary and that Mary called 911. The police took her away for her protection.



:


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## runamuk (Jun 28, 2007)

lvponies said:


> Jan....thank you for the suggestions about the releases. I will look into that.
> 
> Oh....and she also heard that the boyfriend's mother is going around telling people that we beat Mary and that Mary called 911. The police took her away for her protection.
> 
> ...


Hang in there. We have heard all kinds of crazy things about ourselves that we didn't know...... people will believe what they want and most will consider the source.

Definately get the releases, we had to get the judge to court order our son as he was being a total butt about it. And I honestly had no idea what was going on as the counselors etc...would not talk to me. It was to the point where he was ditching his outpatient treatment and yet if I called to make sure he had attended they told me they could not tell me.


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## AppyLover2 (Jun 29, 2007)

It's totally unfathomable to me that the parent of an underage person can't get any information. Just another of those laws that make no sense what-so-ever. Sounds like those releases are a must have. I really feel bad for your whole family. Sounds like Mary has succeeded in making everyone's life, including her own, a living he!!. And you've gotta laugh at that nonsense with the boyfriends family. I'm sure they're just repeating what he told them. Hang in there. We're all pulling for you.


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## FairytailGlennMinis (Jun 29, 2007)

I am so very sorry you are having to go through all of this. One thing popped into my mind that you might could use as well--if there were nude pics of her and her boyfriend, that is child pornography and you might be able to go after him for that and statutory rape as well as committing indecent acts with a minor. That is one route you might be able to take in order to get him taken out of the picture for a bit.

As for after jeuvie, there are a lot of boarding schools that deal specificly with kids like your daughter. They are usually very expensive, but Sallie Mae, PrepGate and some other places can help with funding. There are also usually grants available. A school away with a therapeutic and/or rehab program may be a good shot for getting her on the right track.

I hope and pray this settles down for all of your family.

Best Wishes,

-Amy


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## HGFarm (Jun 30, 2007)

Hang in there. She is going to tell you anything right now, probably not the truth, because she still doesnt want to admit or deal with what she is doing. Kids are not stupid but many know how to 'play' their parents or others to get what they want.

Be tough. Dont believe ANYthing you hear from folks, whether it's the boyfriend, her, neighbors, etc.. and yes, I would surely do the releases so you are informed correctly from the sources, instead of wondering what is going on. This way she can also be called on things when she is not telling you the truth.

She may not be telling you the truth because to do that would be to hear the words out loud that she has a problem, and she is not going to want to admit that right now. There is going to be no instant cure- it could take weeks, or months.....


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## runamuk (Jun 30, 2007)

AppyLover2 said:


> It's totally unfathomable to me that the parent of an underage person can't get any information. Just another of those laws that make no sense what-so-ever.


You and me both...let me tell you I was livid when I was told I couldn't get any info due to "his" privacy  excuse me I am liable for his actions in a monetary sense yet they can't tell me if he even attended the stinkin class



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When I go off on the current state of animal laws well the current state of minor laws are about the same..................I am responsible but have zero right to know.................how much sense does that make   

Again I am here if you ever want an understanding shoulder...............we survived intake (barely) and I only hope and pray that it will help..................we cannot help those who do not want to be helped..................this is something I would never wish on my worst enemy.............it is a day to day nightmare come to life. :no: :no: :no: definately not the hopes and dreams one see's for their child :no: :no:


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## HGFarm (Jun 30, 2007)

I hear ya runamuk, and it is ridiculous. They want to hold parents responsible for their kids, but it seems the parents can just foot the bills and provide a roof, and the heck with the rest of it. Part of the problem with this world today, in my opinion....


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## AppyLover2 (Jun 30, 2007)

Kim I just remembered something that helped me when things got bad. I had read or heard somewhere (can't really remember which) that everyone has to "accept responsibility for our own actions". To me that was the key to the whole tuff love type thing. As long as parents cover for their kids, ignore the things that are happening, or keep bailing them out of trouble those kids (or adults for that matter) never have to accept responsibility. It's only when they're forced to deal with their own actions that it starts to fall into place. I learned to tell her (and myself, which is maybe even more important) that I wasn't responsible for the things she had done and I wasn't the one who had to suffer the consequences. Bless you for being strong enough to do what was probably one of the hardest things we, as parents, are ever faced with.


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## Mini Brook Farm (Jul 20, 2007)

I'm soooo sorry you and your family are going through this. Many moons ago I was a Correctional Officer and I agree that your decision not to bail her out was the correct one. (IMO bailing her out would reward her for making bad choices) She has to hit bottom and want to change. You are in my thoughts and prayers. (( hugs ))

Carol


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## lvponies (Jul 20, 2007)

Update on Mary:

Mary spent 2 weeks in juvenile detention charged with domestic battery and possession. Think it was a real eye opener for her!! We were able to visit a couple of times on weekends. It was a jail!! We were checked with a metal detector and had to sit in a chair while a drug sniffing dog checked us out before we could visit with her. We were given 1/2 hour of visiting time while a guard sat in the room with us. Mary was strip searched after each visit. She was angry at us at first, then she changed to telling us what we wanted to hear (to get her out), then she seemed genuinely remorseful and wanted to change her life (ok...it still could have been telling us what we wanted to hear!!).

We had a hearing where the prosecutor asked us what we wanted. Did we want her to come home or not?? We'll see if this was a good decision or not as time goes by, but we said she could come home. We just didn't want her having to go to trial and possibly getting stuck in the "system" for a lengthy time. She's on probation now. She has a probation officer who will do random drug tests. I guess he will just show up at our home whenever he wants, but so far hasn't been here yet. She is forbidden to see or talk to the boyfriend, she has to abide by all the rules of our house, maintain a C average in school, abide by all the school's rules (no detentions) and she has to attend counseling. If she tests positive for drugs or breaks any of the rules of probation, back she goes. Her case manager said that if her probation is revoked, she could be locked away in a much tougher, older juvenile facility then she was in until she's 18 or even til she's 21. It's on the other side of the state and we would not be able to visit often. Think it scared her, hope it scared her. We've told her that this is the one and only time that we will ever stand up for her in court. If she violates her probation, she's on her own and will have to take whatever they give her with no interference from us. She goes back to court on 9/4 (her 17th birthday!) to see how she's doing.

She's been home for 2 weeks. So far, everything has been fine. The boyfriend has moved out of the area and Mary has heard that he has another girlfriend. We've kept Mary on a tight leash and are questioning every phone call and every place she goes. Her first counseling session is on Monday night. Hope she connects with the counselor and he is able to help her find permanent sobriety.

I hope and pray we made the right decision and that Mary and that she is able to stay away from drugs.

Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers for my family and for Mary!!

Kim


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## LindaL (Jul 20, 2007)

I really hope that Mary takes seriously everything that's going on and will turn her life around. It sounds like she is making a sincere effort and that's great! I think by showing her that you "want" to give her a chance helps and that by also laying the law down, you are showing that she can't bully you or she pays the consequences. Wishing you continued luck that Mary does well and stays sober!


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## zoey829 (Jul 20, 2007)

Thank you for updating us. I have been thinking about you. I really hope it works out. I am glad he has a new girlfriend. The longer they stay away the better. Our prayers go out and keep us posted.


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## bfogg (Jul 20, 2007)

Hello Kim,

Working in a school and seeing this stuff everyday, I want to tell you I wish every parent would do what you did! It was absolutely the right decision for you to make!

God bless you for going the responsible route!!!!!! :aktion033: :aktion033:




:

Bonnie


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## StarRidgeAcres (Jul 22, 2007)

Kim,

I don't have children but if I did I'd hope I'd have the courage and strength to do what you did. It was the right decision and hopefully your daughter will someday realize that and thank you for it.




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## eagles ring farm (Jul 22, 2007)

Jail for some kids is the best medicine

my son did 9 mos in state prison (3 yr sentence)

for things that would have been considered

boys will be boys things some years ago

I tried to warn him how things are today

but he made the mistake of a terrorist threat ("you won't wake up tomarrow")

is all he said avoiding a worse threat

to someone right in front of a cop and that was it.

3 years state prison serving 9 mos and released

on parole.

Well his parole is over now and he is the most responsible nice

young man. He is a hard worker and has had the same job with advancement

since he got out. I have to give alot of credit to his girlfriend who has stuck by him through everything

So jail is the school of hard knocks for some to learn a good lesson

it is the *best thing that ever happened to him.*

Lori

hang in there it may have done a world of good only time will tell

in our situation its been a couple years so I trust it now

Wishing you luck and congrats for being so strong




: for you and your family kids are so hard today


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## backwoodsnanny (Jul 22, 2007)

Kim Thank you for the update on Mary I have thought of you often and was hoping you were doing better. I hope the jail stay scared the bejesus out of her but dont beat yourself up if the good behavior doesnt last but as was said when and if the rules are broken you have to follow through with what you have said you would do. PM or email me anytime. Continued prayers for all of you.

Nita


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## runamuk (Jul 23, 2007)

Happy to hear the update, and hoping it was soon enough and tough enough. I am always here if the house of cards comes tumbling down. I understand how hard this is but you must remain tough. Sure would be easier if kids came with an owners manual and programming instructions



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## PaintedPromiseRanch (Jul 23, 2007)

Hang in there Kim, we are all still with you



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