# Could use some advice



## Molly's Run Minis (Mar 29, 2011)

so i have a cousin...lets call her A... who is extemely immature(i've been told i'm more mature than her and i'm 16, she's 24) and she and i have gotten into many verbal fights online. she is immature, rude, irresponsible, lazy...i could go on and on. long story short she got pregnant and now expects us all to be happy for her. even though she has no money, can barely afford her house and cant keep a job longer than 6 months(of course its ALWAYS the company's fault, NEEEVERRR hers cause she is soooo perfect!) and she is going into this whole baby thing like its gonna be all hunky dory, sunshine and butterflies, nuthin can go wrong, the baby will be the best baby ever and never cry or get sick, etc. She's about as ready to have this poor kid as i would be, which aint good. she's coming to visit us soon(she lives in vermont) and i honestly have no clue how to deal with this, 'specially because i hate her with a passion! she's the reason i have chronic back pain, she was livin here for awhile and when she snuck drugs in the house(she had to live with us to go to college) SHE blamed ME because i went snooping through her room!(which i did, because i could smell the drugs!) whats even better about this whole situation is that her fiancee doesnt even have control of his own money and has never worked in his life! at age 25 HIS MOM HANDLES HIS MONEY!! all i can think about is that poor kid bein born and havin to go without because A decided that she just HAD to have a baby even though she's TOTALLY unprepared! god even gave her a second chance to wait until they were more stable and ready, the first time she got pregnant she had a miscarriage! i honestly just cant stand there and say how happy i am for them, because i'm not! how would you all deal with this drama???


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## SammyL (Mar 29, 2011)

I can imagine how frustrating that would be.

I know you do not like what is going on, but she is family and I am worried you might end of alienating yourself from your family if you just let her have it, you know?

The baby did not ask to be born, just to be loved.






I have a friend who just recently turned 20... she is pregnant with a little girl. The father and her do not have a stable relationship, and are constantly breaking up, and getting back together, etc. I do not think they are ready for a baby and it really frustrates me because the baby is the one who will suffer.

But sometimes, maybe you just gotta roll with it, and hope she turns out to be a better mother than you think!

Just make sure when the baby is born that you shower the little one with love! Everything will work out, one way or another.

I doubt that helped you at all, but I wish you and your family the best of luck.


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## miniwhinny (Mar 29, 2011)

Molly said:


> so i have a cousin...lets call her A... who is extemely immature(i've been told i'm more mature than her and i'm 16, she's 24) and she and i have gotten into many verbal fights online. she is immature, rude, irresponsible, lazy...i could go on and on. long story short she got pregnant and now expects us all to be happy for her. even though she has no money, can barely afford her house and cant keep a job longer than 6 months(of course its ALWAYS the company's fault, NEEEVERRR hers cause she is soooo perfect!) and she is going into this whole baby thing like its gonna be all hunky dory, sunshine and butterflies, nuthin can go wrong, the baby will be the best baby ever and never cry or get sick, etc. She's about as ready to have this poor kid as i would be, which aint good. she's coming to visit us soon(she lives in vermont) and i honestly have no clue how to deal with this, 'specially because i hate her with a passion! she's the reason i have chronic back pain, she was livin here for awhile and when she snuck drugs in the house(she had to live with us to go to college) SHE blamed ME because i went snooping through her room!(which i did, because i could smell the drugs!) whats even better about this whole situation is that her fiancee doesnt even have control of his own money and has never worked in his life! at age 25 HIS MOM HANDLES HIS MONEY!! all i can think about is that poor kid bein born and havin to go without because A decided that she just HAD to have a baby even though she's TOTALLY unprepared! god even gave her a second chance to wait until they were more stable and ready, the first time she got pregnant she had a miscarriage! i honestly just cant stand there and say how happy i am for them, because i'm not! how would you all deal with this drama???



Maybe, seeing as it's none of your business, you should be less judgmental of others.

Oh and this comment "god even gave her a second chance to wait until they were more stable and ready, the first time she got pregnant she had a miscarriage!" is one of the most evil things I've ever read on this message board.


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## Ashley (Mar 29, 2011)

Well, personally it doesnt involve you so why stress about it? It isnt your life its hers and she has made it what it is.

I also have to agree about that comment being very rude.


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## Molly's Run Minis (Mar 29, 2011)

SammyL said:


> I can imagine how frustrating that would be.
> 
> I know you do not like what is going on, but she is family and I am worried you might end of alienating yourself from your family if you just let her have it, you know?
> 
> ...


about the shower with love thing...we live three hours away from them and she never comes to see us because she cant afford gas money so i'll probably never see the kid.


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## Molly's Run Minis (Mar 29, 2011)

Ashley said:


> Well, personally it doesnt involve you so why stress about it? It isnt your life its hers and she has made it what it is.
> 
> I also have to agree about that comment being very rude.



true....but eventually what ends up happening is her foolish acts get told to my grandmother, who tells my mom, whom i overhear talking about it and often times it makes angry to no end. my family is just chop full of drama....at least its never boring i guess lol


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## ohmt (Mar 30, 2011)

Hate is a very strong word, especially for family no matter how frustrating they are.

I think you definitely should not let her and her life cause you stress. Everyone's families are full of drama of some sort. You have to know how to deal with it to keep from going crazy.

Take A's life as a learning lesson. Try to patch things up. Sometimes part of growing up is learning to let things bounce off. I have a friend who says things that can come across as very blunt and often times rude. It took me a while to realize she doesn't mean it that way and she has a good heart and is a great friend. Maybe if you tried to help her and be kind she'll return that kindness. It's worth a try...it might take a while if you've never been on good terms.

If she is excited about the baby, that is a good thing. It sounds like the baby will be loved. Maybe the baby will be a hard lesson for her and she'll get her act together. I was an 'oops' child and my mother had me when she was 18 and then had another child and was married and divorced by 22. She wasn't ready for any of that and without her family to help she would not have been able to go to college and get her life together.

If your concerned about the baby, you need to try to get on good terms with A. Send the baby gifts and be a rolemodel for him/her growing up so you can help as much as you can.

If you give it an honest to goodness try and it still doesn't work out and she keeps stressing you out that much, talk to your parents. I guarantee they value your well being more than hers and can try to keep talk of her to a minimum when you're around and decline future visits.


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## mydaddysjag (Mar 30, 2011)

I think your whole post comes off as rude. You said it yourself, she lives three hours away and you never see it, so really, why is it your business?

I am always broke, can barely afford our home, and just went back to work after a 9 month medical leave. I got very ill and nearly died a few months after I had my son. We are $119,000 in debt due to my hospital stay and three surgeries. The reality of it is that these days, the economy sucks, there's no way to be prepared to have a baby. If I would have waited until we were financially stable to have kids, we probably never would have.

That said I have a beautiful 9 month old son, whom I love to death. He is always fed and clothed, and is well taken care of. He has never had to go without because we are broke. We might go without, but he doesn't. When you have a child you grow up fast, your child comes before yourself. I would do anything in my power for my son. I don't think you have any right saying what kind of parent she will be, because most people don't "grow up" until they have kids.

"god even gave her a second chance to wait until they were more stable and ready, the first time she got pregnant she had a miscarriage!"

What kind of hateful person are you to say something like this? Did you ever think that GOD GAVE THEM A SECOND CHANCE TO HAVE A BABY?!?


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## Katiean (Mar 30, 2011)

I have a 27 year old cousin that just found out she is pregnant and she is no more mature than my 10 year old nephew. Am I happy she is pregnant? No. Can I tell her or my aunt? No. She will find out the reality of the whole thing just as soon as she has the baby and can not go out and get drunk and party like she did. Does she have a stable relationship? NO. Some people never grow up. Is this good for the baby? NO. Can I do anything? No. I can just keep it to myself and don't cause drama.


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## Molly's Run Minis (Mar 30, 2011)

mydaddysjag said:


> I think your whole post comes off as rude. You said it yourself, she lives three hours away and you never see it, so really, why is it your business?
> 
> I am always broke, can barely afford our home, and just went back to work after a 9 month medical leave. I got very ill and nearly died a few months after I had my son. We are $119,000 in debt due to my hospital stay and three surgeries. The reality of it is that these days, the economy sucks, there's no way to be prepared to have a baby. If I would have waited until we were financially stable to have kids, we probably never would have.
> 
> ...


call me hateful or rude or whatever all you want, but i KNOW my cousin. she does drugs, she's lazy, she's irresponsible and in no way is she ready for a child. she's my family thats why its my bussiness.

she could've easily had an awesome carrer too, she went to school as a massage therapist and was pretty good at it, but she threw that away as well. i am sorry about your near death experiance with your son.

also, i made this post to get ADVICE ON HOW TO HANDLE THIS, not to get flamed. you all dont know my cousin, and i envey you that! she's horrible, she's the reason i have chronic back pain, she's the reason i have a difficult time sleeping at night, i have tried to make up with her on several occasions but she threw it all back in my face. Flame me all you want but its not gonna help the situation any, all that'll do is make me upset, po'ed and defenseive and i'll probably say something stupid. i dont think i'm hateful, and if i am you have NO REMOTE IDEA what i've gone through to make me that way.

but whatever, flame away. it seems like the only thing this forum is actually good at


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## Molly's Run Minis (Mar 30, 2011)

ohmt said:


> Hate is a very strong word, especially for family no matter how frustrating they are.
> 
> I think you definitely should not let her and her life cause you stress. Everyone's families are full of drama of some sort. You have to know how to deal with it to keep from going crazy.
> 
> ...


honestly, i know how strong a word hate is, and i can honestly say, after all the crap she's done to me, that i hate her.

my mom already knows how much she stresses me out, but if we tried to decline future visits that would just create more drama and tension.



Katiean said:


> I have a 27 year old cousin that just found out she is pregnant and she is no more mature than my 10 year old nephew. Am I happy she is pregnant? No. Can I tell her or my aunt? No. She will find out the reality of the whole thing just as soon as she has the baby and can not go out and get drunk and party like she did. Does she have a stable relationship? NO. Some people never grow up. Is this good for the baby? NO. Can I do anything? No. I can just keep it to myself and don't cause drama.



thanks for the advice, sounds kinda like we're on the same boat lol


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## minimomNC (Mar 30, 2011)

Put everything behind you and and focus on going forward. Be emotional support for her, you might be surprised at how fast she matures when she holds that little baby the first time. I was a single parent for many years and yes, its rough, but harping about the past will not fix the future. A baby is a miracle no matter what, its a life to be treasured. It will be up to her to get her life in order, but what she doesn't need is people telling her she sucks at life and what a bad person she has become. If you are more mature than she is, call her and tell her you only wish her the best. Then move forward.


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## SammyL (Mar 30, 2011)

> I have a 27 year old cousin that just found out she is pregnant and she is no more mature than my 10 year old nephew. Am I happy she is pregnant? No. Can I tell her or my aunt? No. She will find out the reality of the whole thing just as soon as she has the baby and can not go out and get drunk and party like she did. Does she have a stable relationship? NO. Some people never grow up. Is this good for the baby? NO. Can I do anything? No. I can just keep it to myself and don't cause drama.


This poster said it well. The baby is already conceived and growing, there is nothing that can be done. You don't have to like it, but just keep it to yourself.

Pray for her and the baby that things will turn out for the best, and she may surprise you.







> Put everything behind you and and focus on going forward. Be emotional support for her, you might be surprised at how fast she matures when she holds that little baby the first time. I was a single parent for many years and yes, its rough, but harping about the past will not fix the future. A baby is a miracle no matter what, its a life to be treasured. It will be up to her to get her life in order, but what she doesn't need is people telling her she sucks at life and what a bad person she has become. _*If you are more mature than she is, call her and tell her you only wish her the best. Then move forward.*_


If you follow this poster's advice... it may give you a little peace.


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## miniwhinny (Mar 30, 2011)

mydaddysjag said:


> I think your whole post comes off as rude. You said it yourself, she lives three hours away and you never see it, so really, why is it your business?
> 
> "god even gave her a second chance to wait until they were more stable and ready, the first time she got pregnant she had a miscarriage!"
> 
> What kind of hateful person are you to say something like this?


I posted this EXACT same thing yesterday but I guess the mods decided to remove it. I 100% agree.

You said yourself that she lives so far away that you'll never see the baby - so why are you letting it bother you to such a "hateful" degree?


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## ErikaS. (Mar 30, 2011)

Sorry to say there is nothing you really can do. It's your cousin's life and she'll do what she wants with it. Fortunately for you, (since she stresses you out so much and you don't like her) she lives three hours away. Be the bigger woman and get her baby a gift and then avoid her like the plague while she visits. And for heaven's sake, if she instigates an arguement online don't pursue it. Ignore her.


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## Sonya (Mar 30, 2011)

My only advice is that you need to learn how to not let other's affect you so much. You said you won't see her or the baby that often so why would you let A have that much power over you? I do agree with others that it's not much of your business what she does, family or not, you don't have to agree with her decisions...it's her life, not yours. If you dislike her so much, then stay away from her. When she comes to visit go stay with a friend or something. I don't agree that you have to like your family...sometimes it's better to just distance yourself, especially if it's causing a negative affect on you.

wanted to add:

you can't change others, you can only change the way you deal with them.


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## Ashley (Mar 30, 2011)

Losing a child isnt a chance to get your life straight, and until it happens to you, you cant even begin to imagine what a person goes through when that happens.

If you are more mature then her, your are not really showing it. That comment as well as several other things in your post show your lack of it.

She can only cause you stress if you let her. Take responsibility for yourself, you let her cause you stress, its not her fault.Taking on others issues isnt your job.


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## Molly's Run Minis (Mar 30, 2011)

Ashley said:


> Losing a child isnt a chance to get your life straight, and until it happens to you, you cant even begin to imagine what a person goes through when that happens.
> 
> If you are more mature then her, your are not really showing it. That comment as well as several other things in your post show your lack of it.
> 
> She can only cause you stress if you let her. Take responsibility for yourself, you let her cause you stress, its not her fault.Taking on others issues isnt your job.



she wasnt even upset by it. no crying, no nothing. she didnt show any remorse at all, and it was most likely her own fault she had a miscarriage! she admitted to doing drugs a couple times even though she knew she was pregnant. i honestly dont care if i'm more mature than her, thats just what i've been told. if its true, so be it. if its not i could care less!


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## Molly's Run Minis (Mar 30, 2011)

Sonya said:


> When she comes to visit go stay with a friend or something.


dont have any friends

thanks for the advice though!


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## Molly's Run Minis (Mar 30, 2011)

miniwhinny said:


> I posted this EXACT same thing yesterday but I guess the mods decided to remove it. I 100% agree.
> 
> You said yourself that she lives so far away that you'll never see the baby - so why are you letting it bother you to such a "hateful" degree?



because, like i posted in other posts on this thread, SHE HAS RUINED MY LIFE!!!! how can i not hate her??

i'm glad the mods removed your comment, because this thread isnt about bashing me, although this forum just seems to be obsessed with doing just that


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## Molly's Run Minis (Mar 30, 2011)

btw, thanks to all who gave me advice, its nice to know that not everyone on this forum is so obsessive about bashing someone the second they show they arent perfect


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## Molly's Run Minis (Mar 30, 2011)

miniwhinny said:


> Maybe, seeing as it's none of your business, you should be less judgmental of others.
> 
> Oh and this comment "god even gave her a second chance to wait until they were more stable and ready, the first time she got pregnant she had a miscarriage!" is one of the most evil things I've ever read on this message board.



lol now i'm evil? ooookay then.

i dont really care what you think of me because i dont know or like you

why is it that whenever i ask for advice i always get flamed?

none of you know her, none of you know how much she has hurt me and my family.

i would never actually say this to her, this thread was more of like a rant because i was very angry when i wrote it.

also, people in glass houses shouldnt throw stones, your telling me to be less judgemental, yet you turn around and call me evil?


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## Sue_C. (Mar 30, 2011)

This reminds me of the old adage..."You can pick your friends, but you cannot pick your family".





As it isn't very likely that you will have to be seeing her much, just don't allow yourself to stress over what you cannot change about HER...but please, on the other hand, don't allow yourself to carry your dislike of her, to her child. This poor baby is gonna need ALL the help he/she can get...and if you can see that, half the "battle" here is won already.

You can help this child without helping the mother...you don't have to "be there" for _her_, but CAN take a supporting role in the care of this child if you so wish. You can frequent the Salvation Army or other second-hand stores, and pick up the occasional piece of clothing or equipment for the child, both now, and as he/she ages. You know this child is going to NEED someone steadfast and stable in it's life...and you have the chance to BE that.

Good luck, and do please take the time to think about what I have said.


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## Molly's Run Minis (Mar 30, 2011)

Sue_C. said:


> This reminds me of the old adage..."You can pick your friends, but you cannot pick your family".
> 
> 
> 
> ...



i wont be extending my dislike of her to the kid, its not his fault after all. i am mostly worried she'll use all her money on drugs, we ALL know she's still useing them, and then the poor kid will go without





thanks for your advice


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