# Advice for after divorce



## StarRidgeAcres (Jan 25, 2010)

Hi Everyone,

As some of you may already know I asked for a divorce last summer from my husband of 20 years. It was without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever done and I hope I never have to do anything like it ever again in my life. But it was the right thing to do - for both of us. And now it's time to move on and start the rest of my life.

My question is what to expect at this point? Considering my age (43) I believe I'd like to eventually get married again but it's not going to be the end of the world if I don't. And considering my age, I probably won't be having any children of my own, but I don't want to say I'm never going to consider it in some form (having step-children, adopting, fostering, etc.). So, I've been actively dating since about July and I've met a lot of nice men and frankly I've met some real weidos!! I've got some stories!!! But the majority have been very nice people. I've found dating fun for the most part - I've gotten to meet new people, made some new friends along the way, gone to lots of places for dinner, seens lots of movies...just had a lot of fun.

During this time I've met two men who I cared for more than casually. One lasted about 6 weeks and I now realize he was my "rebound" guy. But at the time I thought I had met THE one!




So not true! I dated several men in between and then met Robert (the current one) and he is wonderful! Such a nice man. Funny, smart, head on straight, gentle personality, works in the same field I do (IT), no children, wonderful (and HUGE) family. Just an all-around nice man. We have been seeing each other exclusively for 3 months now and have a wonderful time together. We probably spend about 4-5 evenings per week together - mostly at my place due to my needing to care for the horses and other critters. We get along great, we laugh, we can tease each other - it's all good. And ladies, I do mean it's ALL good!lol





Here's what is worrying me...

How do I know when it's "the" one? I don't believe I'm going to see butterflies and flowers and fireworks like I did when I was 20. Or am I? Do I accept "fun, nice, treats me very well" as the norm and what I should be happy with? Am I supposed to be looking for more? And if I am supposed to be looking for more, am I doing both he and I a disservice by continuing to just see each other? We both want to be married again (he is divorced) at some point and we see the same on most major issues. Is that enough? Do I spend another 6, 9, 12 months with him and then decide I want something else? I guess when I got married 20 years ago I thought it was forever. And now that that didn't work out quite the way I'd planned I don't feel I can trust myself to know what's best.

Am I just over-analyzing things? Should I just relax and enjoy? Should I be searching for butterflies? When your middle aged does your outlook on relationships and what makes a good one change? I think it does, but I'm second-guessing myself.

Would love to hear opinions or thoughts from others. Whether you've been through divorce or not.

And one other note: he knows nothing about horses but seems willing to try - asks questions about them, tries to seem interested in their health, etc.

Oh, and this really is the last note: he's 31 years old, so MUCH younger than myself. He says he's thought about it and it's a non-issue. Well, it's on my mind all the time!! He was freakin' 6 years old when I started college!!!





Here is a pic from a christmas party at my house:






Thanks in advance for your time!

One last thing...I just want to make it clear - I'm an NOT complaining about anything - about being single, about dating or about Robert - he's a wonderful man. Just don't know for sure how to interpret what is going on in my head.


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## REO (Jan 25, 2010)

I'm not sure I can write well enough to get my TRUTH out.

I've been through a LOT in my past. Married once before. Many men along the way. With all of them it was, does he feel the same about me? Do we this? Do we that? Pick pick pick! It was WORK to have relationships and none of them were the real thing.

Then one day when I wasn't looking, I met a guy. Right off the bat we were relaxed, knew each other, easy conversation. I took him to meet my family. His things started appearing in my place and one day I realized he'd moved in. There was NO fuss, no wondering, no stress. We just WERE!

(we've been married 23 years and are still waiting for our 1st fight)





When being together is NATURAL and EASY and HAPPY, then THAT is the real thing.

When you find that, don't pause to throw doubt into it. Don't think, just let yourselves BE!

Oh the wonderful GOOD feeling I get coming from him when I look at his pic and seeing you together!

My dear, just let it BE. Relax, enjoy. If you ask yourself one question, "Am I happy?" and the answer is yes, then why mess with that?? Don't make me kick you in the shins! LOL


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## Jill (Jan 25, 2010)

Parmela -- I don't have a clue as to advice on this kind of thing but you and Robert look very happy together! You're a smart woman and strong, too. I would bet you're on the right track all around



Jill


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## StarRidgeAcres (Jan 25, 2010)

Thanks for the encouraging words ML and Jill!

And Robin, I AM happy now! Very much so. It's a sort of calm happy if that makes any sense. And yes, things are starting to appear here and there!



There's a pillow of mine at his place and now there's a toiletry type bag in my hall bath that I haven't opened but I'm assuming has a toothbrush, toothpaste, etc. in it. And there's a pair of size 13 mens sliippers at one side of my bed. I guess that should have been my first hint that he might be staying over once in a while?





And just to clarify, I sure hope I wasn't sounding ungrateful. I am very grateful to have met Robert and to have so many wonderful and supportive friends. I'm just confused. The last time I had to do this I was 20 years old and I was a very immature 20 year old at that. I had NO business making a decision that would impact the rest of my life, but that didn't stop me. Guess I just don't know what to expect this time around.

But yes, I am enjoying myself and I'm trying very hard to relax and just "be" with everything. My ex was/is a good man but we were no longer good for each other. I just don't want to go through that ever again. I guess there's no way to guarantee that, but I sure wouldn't wish it on anyone. And I sure don't want to waste anyone's time in the process.


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## NoddalottaFarm (Jan 25, 2010)

I say enjoy the moment. Don't work so hard on making it "the one" and don't think about it so much. If it's meant to be, it will be. I wasn't looking for anything special when I met my husband. I was "just dating" and having fun. Then, it happened.... it became a solid relationship and everything worked out. My husband is 9 years older than I am. I was 9 when he went into the Marine Corp. We like to tease him about it.



Enjoy the moment and have fun. Don't pressure yourself into anything. It will work out if it should be.


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## walkermini (Jan 25, 2010)

Sorry I dont get a chance to post here much, (so understand if you dont want advice from a "stranger" LOL) but saw your post and having been through a divorce also, thought I would share...

Short background-I married at 19, divorced(with two kids) at 28. I had NO intention of being with anyone again for a while, was pretty sick of men's you-know-what... A month after separating from my first husband, got together with who is my current husband, who I have been with almost eight years now. (thought it was rebound but I guess not!)

I didnt really get the butterfly thing either with my current husband-I feel like the whole butterfly/fireworks thing is the part of our brain that is in love with being in love, not necessarily being in love with the person...clear as mud? Hope you know what I mean.

Basically looking back I wonder what in the heck I was thinking when I married the first one, he was so wrong for me. I definately followed my heart, and not my brain. With my current hubby, I was much more mindful of if we clicked, if I just plain LIKED him...I really didnt "like" my first husband.

My advice would be, just enjoy being with him, and let things go where they go. Three months isnt very long to really decide on anything permanent. I think in the future you will have more of a feel on if you want to get more serious with him, or look for someone else. Hope this has been some help!


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## REO (Jan 25, 2010)

Good words above!





Why worry about wasting his time? (you keep saying that) Is HE happy? I'd have to say YES! So let him be happy! Anyone who makes you happy IS good for you and happiness is Never a waste of time! Believe me, if he wasn't happy and not enjoying being with you, he wouldn't be. I'd say he's found himself a really good woman!

Let it go where it will (or not) and let it be what it is. Same as life!

We did not get the butterfly thing either, it was like we'd always been together and we were relaxed and happy! And we still are all these years later!

Try to relax if you can and ALLOW yourself to be happy!

Good luck! I'm so happy for you that you're having a good time!


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## Miniv (Jan 25, 2010)

The fact that your new man is your Best Friend and makes you Laugh.....are two very important aspects in in a long term relationship.......IN MY OPINION.

In the mean time ENJOY each other........ Learn about each other. Personally it all sounds great.


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## horsefeather (Jan 25, 2010)

Parmela, I have never been divorced, so I probably shouldn't be giving advice, but my first thought was 'does he like horses?' You said he is trying to learn about them. I don't know just how much horses are part of your life, but I do know that if anything happened to hubby (no no) I don't think I would remarry. Of course, I'm a lot older than you, and have been married 46 yrs. or so, but if I were looking for someone, one of the things uppermost in my mind is if they liked horses. Horses are my life and I don't think I could live with anyone who didn't love them also. JMHO. Hope for the best for you!!

Pam


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## MountainMeadows (Jan 25, 2010)

For me, the most important thing in my relationship is that my husband truly meets my needs - not all my wants, but my core needs. I am not "needing" a man to take care of me and pay every bill, I don't "need" to be indulged, but I do need to be respected and for my feelings to be respected and appreciated, I truly feel that my husband loves ME UNCONDITIONALLY - and that is hands down one of my most important needs - I was dealt a lot of crap growing up and the insecurity of my family left me suspicious and with very little self esteem - my husband changed all that. There are many things that I still want, and a lot of things about him that I might want to change, but they are the little things - my husband is caring, honest, sensitive and loves me for who I am - I try very hard to be the same to him - it has worked for us - we have been married for 27 years, and together for 3 before that.

Stacy


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## MyBarakah (Jan 25, 2010)

Hi Parm!!

WOW! You guys look GREAT together!!!





All I know from my experience. I was married once for 8yrs... and it was a VERY long 8 yrs and very scary and a nightmere to say the least...... I've been single/divorced now for about 6 yrs....... STINKS!

I've put ALLOT of my time and concentration on fixing/making the place I rented and the new place I have now the majority of the time and devoted my time to the minis.. along with working full time and my 2 kids.

But I have chatted with allot of guys and have gone out on some dinner dates... and have met some nice ones...

BUt I don't know what it is with me... If I've just not met the right one...... but I'm to the point now that the idea of a date and going threw the dating thing makes me cringe and ill to my stomach..... that whole process STINKS!!!!!!!!! I turn 37 next month...... and am starting to think it would be just easier to stay single... but would love the idea of having someone to split living expense with... I don't know..... I want someone I can be "excited about" (after) I met them....... Usually after the first time I meet them I can't bring myself to go out on a 2nd date and loose all interest in that person. I just wish I could meet someone that was into the minis & showing like myself.... I don't know... I'm to the point of thinking I just need to give UP!





I sure hope he works out for you... YOu guys look really nice together!!! And you deserve to be happy!!! Congrate's!!


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## minimomNC (Jan 25, 2010)

Parmela, I met my true love when I was 40, so don't let age even come into play. You deserve to be happy at every age. If he makes you happy, treats you right and is respectful of you, then his momma raised him right and that makes him a keeper. Just go with it, have fun, live life and don't sweat the small stuff.


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## StarRidgeAcres (Jan 25, 2010)

Wow, I've gotten a lot of great advice and suggestions and I really appreciate it!

I do understand the importance of meeting my core needs - respect, loving me, being emotionally supportive, honesty, etc. And I don't know Robert well enough in 3 months to know if he's "the" one, but I do know he's a good man. He's respectful, he does love me (tells me so but I can also feel it), he's emotionally supportive and he's honest. Hopefully he feels I am those things for him as well.

As for the horses - I've not really shared them too much with him. I kind of feel like being with me is really a challenge and the horses are a big part of that. Taking on a woman who has the responsibility of 30+ horses, dogs, cats, a farm where stuff is always breaking down - well that's a lot of crap to take on. So I've not really forced (at all actually) the issue of getting to know the horses. But he does ask questions, doesn't complain when I need to spend time with them, etc. Then just tonight when he asked how my day was I told him it was kind of sad because I was starting to accept the fact that I won't be able to show any horses this season (still getting used to paying my ex alimony - yes, I pay him, not the other way around) because I can't financially do it. His response was: "I'm sorry hun, I dont know whats all involved in showing horses but I'd love to help you do something you enjoy so much" Well, needless to say I started crying! Good thing it was yahoo chat and not on the phone!

So my goal is to take the great advice I've gotten here and just relax and enjoy...for however long it works for both of us. I guess it's true that I shouldn't be worrying about "wasting" his time. He is an adult and if he feels his time is being wasted then he can either discuss it with me or decide to move on.

I guess the bottom line is that I wish I wasn't in this position to start with, but there wasn't an option. But now I hope to make the best of it.

And Chesa, don't give up! Yes, there are some total LOSERS out there, but there are also some great ones. One of these days I'll post about some of my bigger "losers" that I've met while dating...they're at least good for laughs!


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## REO (Jan 25, 2010)

Hey Parm! You've hit on a great idea for a thread! One all us gals would enjoy!

Let's post about those goofy/bad dates!





You gotta go through a lot of rotten apples before you find the good apple!

Might as well get a laugh out of them LOL


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## ctinsley (Jan 26, 2010)

Hi Parmela, glad to see you so happy. My husband is 6 years younger than I am and it has never been an issue. Just be happy and my advice is "YOU GO GIRL" Cindy


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## Aristocratic Minis (Jan 26, 2010)

I think being "best friends" with someone is very important.

Having a friend that you can share anything with about your life.

Having a friend who can always make you laugh.

Having a friend you can trust with everything.

Having a friend whom you respect.

Having a friend who has unconditional respect for you.

Having a friend with whom you can share your secrets and goals for the future.

Having a friend who can cheer you up when you are down.

Having a friend you know will never betray you.

Having a friend whose family you like and they like you.

Having a friend who makes you want to be a better person.

Having a friend with whom you want to grow old.

I'm so glad I found my best friend and married him.


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## Sonya (Jan 26, 2010)

Congrats on meeting a wonderful guy, you guys look beautiful together. I say you are over analyzing too much...it's only 3 months, just enjoy yourself...come back in about 9 months and if you are still together and happy then revisit these questions...don't rush. And just because he's not "into" the horses means nothing. My husband and I do everything together, I mean everything. We like all the same things even though we are total opposites (me high strung, him laid back), but there are a couple areas that are reserved for me...I've always been into something that he was not interested in and vice versa...it used to be the minis for me, which I don't have anymore, but he would help me when I asked, however the minis weren't his thing and that's ok, as long as he understood (which he did), that this was MY thing and it's what I was going to do. You don't have to have someone who even "likes" horses, as long as he understands it's what makes you happy...and if he loves you, that's all that he should care about...what makes YOU happy!


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## Matt73 (Jan 26, 2010)

Robin is right. It happens when you're not looking. Just have fun. Relax. You'll know when it hits you


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## yankee_minis (Jan 27, 2010)

Very interesting post. Thanks.


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## minie812 (Jan 27, 2010)

Parmela, I would not worry to much about age difference. I met My John after being divorced about a year and three kids to boot AND he was 21 and I was 28...oops. We were married less then a year later and have been married since 1981. He and I have had our ups and downs but we respect each other and give each other space and room to grow and do our own thing. I used to worry about the age thing and it was mostly what people would say about it. Take your time and just enjoy yourself.


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## wcr (Jan 28, 2010)

A few things came to mind reading your post. First was you are 43 and didn't think things should be going the way they are. Baloney! When I was in my early 40's I was hit with the realization I was middle aged and somehow should be an old matron. I think this is the age in our development that we start throwing out all the old crap we have been carrying around all our lives and really start to build the life we want to live. Stuff like peer pressure and what will people think kind of stuff. We start to see new possibilities and life becomes better. Mental housecleaning so to speak.

We also don't need the things from a relationship that we needed in our 20's. We have made a life for ourselves and don't need that man to buy the home, have the children, be the provider stuff. Been there, done that. We know how to provide for ourselves, be responsible for ourselves, so having a relationship is more on our terms of what really makes us happy and what we want for our later years. I think we look more for the companionship, laughing, the old slipper comfort kind of feeling. We aren't willing to just "settle" to have a man in our lives. It is also a time to define what you want in a relationship, without the "peer pressure" of what is acceptable. In your 20's it wouldn't be acceptable to date someone 11 years younger but time and maturity evens the playing field.

I am with a man 11 years younger than myself and we laughed about the age difference and the things he was too young to remember. Guess what, it doesn't matter any more. If your man makes you happy, brings to the table the things you want at this time of your life, then go for it. 3 months is a drop in the bucket and way to soon to think about if he is the right one. Enjoy your time now because time sorts it all out in the end. Either he is or isn't the right one but he is here now and it's good. We have a saying that you don't throw gifts back in God's face.

Besides, you are in that very enviable crowd to be in right now. The Cougars!!!!


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## StarRidgeAcres (Jan 28, 2010)

Holy cow! A lot of great advice that I so much appreciate!




God, I've missed being around here.

I do want to clarify something... I am NOT itching to get serious or get married or anything like that. I fully intend to take things slowly and enjoy each day. My reason for posting and asking the questions I did is that since I know I'm not feeling that giddy little girl type of feeling that I used to get when I was dating in college or when I met my husband, I wondered if that was a clue to me that this person wasn't the right one and wasn't going to be the right one down the road. AND if I know NOW he's not the right one do I do us both a favor and end things now? I maybe didn't make it very clear, but that was my real question. What should I be feeling? Does it change when you're 43 versus 23? Is it OK not to feel those butterflies and see rainbows, etc? (ok, honestly, here's how I feel about the butterflies and rainbows



)

So I think what I'm hearing is that for many your needs and your responses to those needs do change as you mature. So maybe the fact that I do really enjoy his company, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel comfortable, we can talk, and we respect each other means it's ok not to feel all those other things but still continue to see him? Is that right? Did I understand correctly? It's not a "waste" of his time or mine. It's OK to just be and not be "going somewhere" or moving a certain direction, right?



REO said:


> When being together is NATURAL and EASY and HAPPY, then THAT is the real thing.When you find that, don't pause to throw doubt into it. Don't think, just let yourselves BE!
> 
> Oh the wonderful GOOD feeling I get coming from him when I look at his pic and seeing you together!
> 
> My dear, just let it BE. Relax, enjoy. If you ask yourself one question, "Am I happy?" and the answer is yes, then why mess with that?? Don't make me kick you in the shins! LOL


Robin, please don't kick me in the shins! I'm fragile!







walkermini said:


> I didnt really get the butterfly thing either with my current husband-I feel like the whole butterfly/fireworks thing is the part of our brain that is in love with being in love, not necessarily being in love with the person...clear as mud? Hope you know what I mean.
> My advice would be, just enjoy being with him, and let things go where they go. Three months isnt very long to really decide on anything permanent. I think in the future you will have more of a feel on if you want to get more serious with him, or look for someone else. Hope this has been some help!





minimomNC said:


> Parmela, I met my true love when I was 40, so don't let age even come into play. You deserve to be happy at every age. If he makes you happy, treats you right and is respectful of you, then his momma raised him right and that makes him a keeper. Just go with it, have fun, live life and don't sweat the small stuff.


He was raised right! By his grandma who is now in her 80's and is still in charge of the family...and it's a LARGE family!







wcr said:


> A few things came to mind reading your post. First was you are 43 and didn't think things should be going the way they are. Baloney! When I was in my early 40's I was hit with the realization I was middle aged and somehow should be an old matron. I think this is the age in our development that we start throwing out all the old crap we have been carrying around all our lives and really start to build the life we want to live. Stuff like peer pressure and what will people think kind of stuff. We start to see new possibilities and life becomes better. Mental housecleaning so to speak.
> We also don't need the things from a relationship that we needed in our 20's. We have made a life for ourselves and don't need that man to buy the home, have the children, be the provider stuff. Been there, done that. We know how to provide for ourselves, be responsible for ourselves, so having a relationship is more on our terms of what really makes us happy and what we want for our later years. I think we look more for the companionship, laughing, the old slipper comfort kind of feeling. We aren't willing to just "settle" to have a man in our lives. It is also a time to define what you want in a relationship, without the "peer pressure" of what is acceptable. In your 20's it wouldn't be acceptable to date someone 11 years younger but time and maturity evens the playing field.
> 
> I am with a man 11 years younger than myself and we laughed about the age difference and the things he was too young to remember. Guess what, it doesn't matter any more. If your man makes you happy, brings to the table the things you want at this time of your life, then go for it. 3 months is a drop in the bucket and way to soon to think about if he is the right one. Enjoy your time now because time sorts it all out in the end. Either he is or isn't the right one but he is here now and it's good. We have a saying that you don't throw gifts back in God's face.
> ...






My friends, and his, do enjoy teasing me about my age. Oh well. It could be worse...much worse!

Thanks again for all of the advice and supportive comments!!


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## CKC (Jan 28, 2010)

I think being a best friend is the most important...... my husband is my best friend.

I say let the relationship take it's course. Enjoy it! Sounds like you both are very good together and are happy!

Before I started dating my husband these were the things I looked for in a guy/future husband. I made the list because I dated some real winners throughout the years...... Figured NO ONE would fit my high standards.. .LOL

1) Must like horses(pretty much all animals), but mainly horses as I had a couple when we met and I rode ALL of my free time.

2) Must be able to cook(he's an AMAZING COOK)

3) Must share in house chores

4) Must be a handy man

I know sounds crazy right... well, my husband was raised by his grandmother and she taught him how to take care of himself. ( I just went back and saw you posted Robert was raised by his grandmother!



) He's a wonderful husband/father/man......For years we worked together in two seperate parts of the building. I spent many evenings after work listening to him talk about the girls he was dating and I thought he was cute, but it took time becoming his friend before we dated. I had pretty much decided before I met him that I wasn't going to look anymore. Seems that's how it works... when you least expect it.

We have been married almost 12 years. We have two sons and they will be raised the same way!

Kim


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## Taylor Jo (Jan 30, 2010)

Parmela, I hear what your asking. My husband and I were 13 years difference. He was older and it didn't matter. It WOULD have mattered when I was younger but I married him when I was 48 and it didn't seem to matter when I met him. Age just had no meaning what had meaning was how he treated me and he treated me like an officer and a gentlemen as he was a retired Marine. So that's what's important.

As far as the butterflies, I agree with the person that's what goes on in your head, NOT your heart. When I first met my husband I was SUPER cautious and in the past I'd threw that ALL to the wind and got myself in trouble and just let my feelings control me. Not so with my husband. I never got the butterflies till we got serious and then when he asked me to marry him and took me to buy my engagement ring I got giddy. BUT, more then anything he was my friend and with friends you don't get butterflies you do what your doing you ? it and use your head because your being smart.

However, I'm like the others. I say just enjoy it, it's a learning time. Your learning about each other, likes, dislikes getting comfortable, becoming better friends, your BUILDING a foundation for a possible future and if not maybe just a good friendship. You'll know when to go further or when to end it. Just listen to your feelings, but relax in the meantime.

He seems comfortable with it so let it be, have fun. My mother used to say; "you'll know you have found the right one when you find one that fits like an OLD pair of shoes." I knew when I found my husband he felt like an old pair of shoes. Good luck to you and keep us posted.

Also, give him space with the horses. He'll come around if you don't push and he'll enjoy it more when he learns on his own if he's truly interested and follows your lead. IF it's TRULY meant to be it will just come together. Sounds like to me he does like the horses. My husband had never been around the horses and he was my LIFE LINE, I miss him soooo much cause he loved them so much and helped me without question EVERY DAY and EVERY NIGHT and EVERY SHOW. So see you might just have the right guy.

TJ


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## cindydog12 (Feb 2, 2010)

I just read your post, and thought I would let you know I got divorced after 28 years of marriage to my high school sweetheart. It was devestating at the time, but in the end was the best thing for both of us. I said "never again" when that was all done and said. Then the following year I went to my 30th high school reunion and met the love of my life...that was almost 10 years ago.

The one piece of advice I can give anyone is "one day at a time" that is all any of us have, and enjoy it to it's fullest


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