# I think I have the worst husband in the world



## krissy3 (Oct 29, 2009)

I work with my husband. I choose to move to Switzerland to marry him. I run his Hotel , and try to learn German , although no one speaks German , they prefer Swiss German or Romanisch. I spend a min of 12 hours a day here , with just a few breaks to check on the horses. He thinks I have a wonderful life , i think I work like a dog. Tonight , after a 10 hour day , and a quick break to feed horses and clean the stall, I came back to make us a little dinner before we go home. Its the end of the season and all the hotel restraunts are closed in town. In walks 4 people , speaking Swiss German which I dont understand ( then they treat you like a 3 class citizen for not knowing swiss german) My husban FORGOT to tell me they made a reservation for dinner. I dont have a table set, we dont have a lot of food in the restraunt, and I am tired and want to go home. "Oh , I forgot " he tells me... and then hands them OUR dinner as an appitizer while they wait for the last guest. 1 hour later and they are still gabbing over champaign. We will have to serve them a 4 corse dinner , which means they will be here for at least 5 more hours, if we are lucky... so already I have been here for 12 hours. No dinner. My husband is not a communicater , but he promised me he would start communicating about the hotel and our work so I could do my job. He NEVER talks to me , but will sit for hours and talk to his friends, and family. I am not use to this mountain mentality , the men here are so very arrogant. Its about 50 years behind in womens rights...women here dont even drive, if you can believe that. I share 1 car with my husband, and he makes all the finantual decisions, at least i told him I want a pay check and my own account. If I were not on the other side of the world , I know I would be out of this marriage. But what can you (I )do in a forign country, I sold everything back home in California to come here. My only joy are the horses and 1 or 2 friends I have met through the horses ... Tell me how to make that enough.

Thanks for letting me vent a frustrating day , and marriage.

Kristen


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## loveminis (Oct 29, 2009)

Girl, I'd be on the next plane home if I were you.... and I do not say that lightly.

You have not been happy there for quite some time and it sounds like it will never change, life is WAY to short to be miserable like that.


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## wantminimore (Oct 29, 2009)

I completely agree with loveminis, you deserve to be happy


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## MindyLee (Oct 29, 2009)

If your not happy, when do you think you will be? Sounds like you have somewhat answer your own question and have aready thought about coming home. Sounds to me your not happy and will soon be making your choice... Good Luck!


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## lilmiraclesfarm (Oct 29, 2009)

Men can be pretty big Jerks, but no way would I stand for that. Find some family back home willing to home you for the time being, stock pile some money and see you later!


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## RobinRTrueJoy (Oct 29, 2009)

I am sorry that things haven't really improved. I remember that he was so jealous of your horses before.

I guess it depends on how unhappy you are... ARE the horses enough? Could you do the things that you love to do (the horses) without being married?

It doesn't sound like he treats you like he should, but all that is your decision.

I have often wondered what my life would be like if I wasn't married anymore, would I be able to afford to keep my horses, dogs and house? Could I be happy without the horses and dogs and house? Or without him? I don't know.

Is it a good trade off being unhappy but being able to keep your horses and lifestyle? Only you can decide .

You are still kind of newly married, right? Things don't usually get better or easier in time.

Sounds like hubby needs to find out that he NEEDS you and maybe he will learn to appreciate you.

Good luck!

Robin


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## krissy3 (Oct 29, 2009)

I could leave my husband... I could leave him in a nano second... but I cant leave my horses . I have right now just 15 grand to my name. I would need a job ,back in the states , a car, a place to live, and I would have to ship the horses ...3 shetlands, there is 15 grand right there. My Chihuahua is 13 , and I am 40 next month. I have to save my money. Right now the dinner guests asked me to get my boss , to come out and have a glass of wine with them... now I am serving my husband as well. I know they think I am some little Russian girl here to learn how to serve and speak German. There too stupid to look at our brouchure with my photo on the front. How am I going to get a job with the US economy? But you know I am not getting any younger , the older I get the harder it will be.... but my horses have the perfect life here. they have everything they would ever want. I couldnt find a better home for them.


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## loveminis (Oct 29, 2009)

I dont know how to tell you this but all horses REALLY care about is food and shelter. Find good homes for them and leave. Don't you have family here in the states that you could stay with ?

Don't worry about not having a job, you will find one with your hotel experience.

I think if you were older you would have been gone by now.


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## Horse Feathers (Oct 29, 2009)

Sell the horses and get on the FIRST plane back to the USA. Start applying at hotles, motels and bed and breakfast, you will have a job within a couple of months. Good Luck and heres a HUG to make you feel better.


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## maplegum (Oct 29, 2009)

You need to stop making excuses and really focus on getting out of there. Find homes for your pets, then start a new exciting life for yourself. It's never too late.


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## krissy3 (Oct 29, 2009)

I appreciate the advice , but its not that easy..i am in a forign country, I dont speak the language very well, and I have the 30 year old donkey that is relying on me.to care for him. If I am not here he will go back to the pig farmer, he will be miserable again like he was when I first got here.Finding a home ( forget about money) is not that easy, I dont have friends here , and these are Shetland ponys , only one is an AMHA horse. I dont have family that will help, I cant rely on the to help, In fact i wouldnt even tell them.They have lots of money but would never help, they would say "you made your bed , now lay in it". I need a plan, a conservative plan.


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## WTFFarm (Oct 29, 2009)

While I think "you made your bed, you lie in it " is a little harsh I do have some similar advice - You're 40 years old and unless you are bound and tied then NOONE can make you do anything that you don't physically and mentally decide to then do. If your husband said "make dinner" and you did then it was your choice to "obey" him



. Stand up for yourself and say "NO duckin' way dooood make your own dinner, maybe next time you'll REMEMBER that guests were coming" hahahhaha



. You're not his slave. Seriously, find homes for your ponies. While I admire how much you love them, I don't think for one second that they should take presidence over your well being.

I know it's scarey but you only live once and there's no making up for even one second that's wasted.

Leave him and live your life...I'm sure there's a gazillion people on this message board who could fix you up with new ponies when you come home to America for just about free.








DUMP THE DUDE


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## dreaminmini (Oct 29, 2009)

Well, I sympathize with you. You need to get out of the marriage. Maybe your husband needs to read this thread. I would start socking the money away, and take the animals with you. Even if you have to stay in Europe but go to England, Ireland for a bit and keep saving money. You will for sure find a job in the hospitality industry with your experience. Don't stay with him too long, you will regret it later.


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## Frankie (Oct 29, 2009)

Sorry, but if I even worked one day without being paid, I would not go back, I don't care who I work for.

It is too called respect, something we all deserve, especially by a spouse.

You ARE making a sad choice, you ARE making excuses.

My husband left and filed for divorce almost 2 years ago.

I was scared to death, I have a child. But I am just fine, still have the horses. And why did that happen? Because I made a choice, to be strong, to fix my life and to BE HAPPY!

It is your life, it is your choice.


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## Reijel's Mom (Oct 29, 2009)

I don't know that I would be able to leave my animals behind, either. But I sure would be figuring out a way to get all of you out of there and start working towards it! Life IS too short!


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## Maxi'sMinis (Oct 29, 2009)

Ok this is a shot in the dark but can you find a cheap place to board your animals? Then find a job there and a place to rent. Move out from your husband but live there for a while, keep your animals and make your own life without him. Once you save up some money and get established on your own see if you can then bring your animals back to the US.

I think the only thing you can do is go out on your own and make your own way there. Make some friends. Find some English speaking people so you can communicate with someone while you continue to learn the native language.

Good luck and sending prayers to help you find your way and happiness in life.


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## SampleMM (Oct 29, 2009)

I'm sorry that it is not working out with your husband. I was all for you guys trying to work it out but it doesn't sound like you are having a happy life. Have you tried counseling?

If the answer is no, I'd run to the first psychologist I could find. Even if your husband won't go, it would definitely help you--IMO.

This is a quote that I love, "IF GOD DOESN'T CHANGE YOUR SITUATION, HE'LL CHANGE YOU IN THE SITUATION." - Father Scott


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## Miniv (Oct 29, 2009)

"Dear Abby" used to have a wonderful question she would ask a wife who wasn't being treated well and was feeling hemmed in..........."Would you be better WITH him or WITHOUT him?" This means doing some soul searching.

Personally, I've been through some rough lumps too..........and I ask you to ask yourself -- Do you love him? And then, you need to know -- Does he love YOU? If this is true, the two of you should be willing to begin working as a TEAM. This may mean seeking marriage counseling to get you two started working TOGETHER.

Right now it seems that your are working as an unpaid servant and he's the boss.....plus he gets some "extras" on the side.

If he's NOT willing to adjust his view of things to keep you two together? Then, it's YOUR CALL........Either you swallow your pride and live with what he has set up...........OR, you quietly take care of your horses, the donkey, save up more money, and make arrangements to get yourself back to the States.

It all may take time, but there's always an answer. I've been there, done that.

Rule of Thumb for a woman........Always protect yourself financially.


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## bevann (Oct 29, 2009)

You've got a friend in Delaware.I was married for 18 yrs to a man who treated me like dirt.fortunately he left and I was devistated, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me.If you decide to leave and want to come to Delaware I have a big house and lots of room on the farm for animals if you bring some or I will give you some when you get here.I am 70 yrs old and could use some help and I live near a resort area with lots of hotels and the state capitol with more hotels.Life is too short to be with an SOB who is 50 years behind the times.If you love him and want to stay let him know that some changes need to be made.Let him handle things for a while and go on strike in the hotel.Sock away all the money you can in your own account without his access to it.Prepare for a rainy day-sounds like it is coming fast.If you have to leave and can't take your animals I am sure you can find someone nice to take them.good luck and keep us posted.


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## loveminis (Oct 30, 2009)

I really feel bad for you but Bevann made you a wonderful offer !!!

Where there is a will, they is a way ! You have 2 choices, stay and be miserable or leave and look forward to a new life where you are in control.


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## Marsha Cassada (Oct 30, 2009)

[SIZE=8pt]Sounds to me as though it is somewhat of a cultural difference between you. That is usually a very difficult hurdle. I have heard that the Swiss are very businesslike and put their business before almost anything. He sees the guests walking in at the last minute as "business", and it's his business to make them welcome. Maybe you are very tired and overwhelmed right now; with the season winding down, hopefully you can get more rest. Maybe you are coming across as so efficient and with such good managerial skills, he is forgetting you are a tired woman and sees you only as his helpmate. [/SIZE]

Sometimes I have to remind my business-like husband that I am needy. I take his hand and lay it on my head and instruct him to say "poor baby". I started doing that to show him how easy and simple it was to support me; he really had no idea (now it makes us both smile). It was a solution for him, and I think men are mostly about finding solutions. Maybe you could think of some simple way to help him recognize you are close to the edge and need some tenderness. You are obviously a strong and competent woman, and not a whiner, and are not looking for roses and fanfare when you're overworked and blue. He needs support and encouragement and, while you are probably intuitive to HIS need, he might need a clue from you when you are getting desperate. If you were a financial spreadsheet, he could see what to do, but a woman's feelings are not exactly a spreadsheet.

You are trying to build a future together. It isn't easy, but someday when things are better people will look at you and say, wow you are so lucky. In your heart you'll know it wasn't luck, but choices.

I've followed some of your donkey tales on the donkey forum and, frankly, I think that brat is part of your troubles! I'd be pretty tempted to send him back to the pig farmer.


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## RobinRTrueJoy (Oct 30, 2009)

You have had some good advice from the forum. Bev made a generous offer, she has a really big heart and is a lovely person.

Please start stashing money away. NEVER tell him about it, even in a fit of anger. NEVER give him access to it, even if a huge bill comes in and he is worried over it. NEVER let him know you have ANY money. MONEY is your power and freedom should you need it. Once you save some money, any decision will be easier to make.

If you get tips, , I am sure he knows it. Stash SOME away, if he questions, say people are getting cheap because of the economy. You may need a PO box for statements from the bank. Do NOT give the bank your address or phone number. Use a password on your account, NOT a pet, perhaps an old old phone number that he wouldnt know anything about. If you use a cell phone, clear the history all the time.

My sister's husband got hold of a bank letter and called the bank, he figured out what she was planning, and somehow took the money. Be careful.

You can tell him that you aren't happy and want to work on the marriage, see how he responds, and if things will change. Even if they do, there is always a honeymoon period where he will act nice and most people go back to how they were before. DO NOT tell him about your savings EVER even if things work out great. I hope for your sake you can work things out so that you both are happy.

I hope that you both can work things out. No marriage is without its difficulties. Getting marriages to work is such hard work. Just protect your options with a savings plan

Robin


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## luv2ridesaddleseat (Oct 30, 2009)

Bevann, what a wonderful human being you are! My brother has a home in Delaware, but I'll have to ask him again what part. He tells me it's awesome there and I should move there! I'd love to know more about it.

Anyway, what great advice here and absolutely what Robin has said. If you want to leave, you CAN do it! Don't EVER let him know you have money, and make a plan and stick to it! I feel so bad for you. Please keep us informed of how you are doing. I really care also, I wish there was something I could do.






Joyce


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## bfogg (Oct 30, 2009)

I feel so bad for you. I remember you writing the same thing last year. he said he would improve, he didn't and he won't and you know that or you should by now. Sell the animals and leave. You aren't getting any younger and the work will only tear you down and wear you out. Then he will dump you for someone who can do the work.

You deserve to have someone who will adore you and value you as a human being with wants and needs and you can meet someonewho actually just doesn't want a slave. You said last year you were going to make him give you a salary...............

Use that money and get out of there. Over there you have no rights.You are far far to intelligent to put up with this crap.

Do something this time.

make a plan,good luck






Bonnie


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## bevann (Oct 30, 2009)

I agree about the money stash.many years ago when I was married I wanted to add a room onto my house.Hubby said there was no money, but he bought US a boat(I hate boats)without consulting me and several race horses(I ended up taking care of them since he wouldn't)I went back to work aometimes getting only 4 hrs of sleep a night and got my own bank account(made a mistake putting the money in bank where he was a director so he found out-but when I got enough money I added the room and I still enjoy it to this day.It was always about what he wanted.I loved him and don't know why today, but he was my first love.The only thing I did right in 18 years of marriage was have 2 sons.Boy am I glad he left.My animals have been my sanity-I even thought about suicide after he left but I had an very sick epileptic corgi and her care needs kept me from doing that.I was single for 10 years and met a wonderful man who loves animals and helps me take care of everything.WE have been together almost 25 years but NO MORE MARRIAGE.It is TOO costly if things don't work out.Get rid of the jerk and get on with your life I was 36 when my husband left and my life just began to get really great.You will meet some wonderful people in your new adventure. Get out of there ASAP HE AIN"T GONNA CHANGE because he doesn't want to. 10 years from now you will still be miserable or you can choose to get on with things. sounds like you are stuck- one small step at a time.Get working on a bank account and a plan.Where I live in Delaware is very close to the Atlantic Ocean so if you get to the US then you can always go back to CA if you want.Delaware is a great place to live.No really bad weather extremes, no predators or poisionous snakes for animals, lots of farmland, great vets and farriers, no sales tax, great hay, 2 hrs from Wash DC,Baltimore, or Philadelphia, 3 hrs from NY City for all the culture stuff, really nice people, lots of horsey activities, 3 Mini&Shetland shows 10 minutes from my house and there is more.Get away from him and move on.In the meantime, just take a day trip somewhere and let him deal with the hotel alone-Might make him appreciate what you do.Good luck and keep us posted


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## Marty (Oct 30, 2009)

Oh my gosh Bevann you are an angel on earth. Krissy, for the lovagod PLEASE take Bevann up on her offer. If I was there I would grab you by the arm and drag you on a plane today.

OK I went out in the barn and cleaned stalls and gave this more thought and decided to edit my post and change it:

I was in a very abusive marriage for years with a low down mean drunk and I can't believe how dumb I was not to act in my own behalf and save myself. I thought about trying to leave and did nothing and it only got worse. What in the world was I waiting for? I lost a lot of very precious years. Had I known that I would find a good man and have two fabulous boys waiting for me in the future, I would have never wasted my life in that horrible marriage. I was 36 when I had Michael and almost 38 when I had Dan! A late start yes but who cares! Krissy, a new life is waiting for you too. Don't waste any more time and get on with it. Life is too short, believe me I know and you need to make the most of every single day and try to be happy. Everyone can make their own happiness and one can do this but you. You have been extended a hand up for heaven's sakes do not ignore this! Do what Robin says; stash the money secretly, and call Bevann right now and make arrangements today. I would not travel with the 30 year old due to his age, but maybe call your vet and have him help you place him and say nothing to anyone. There must be someone even a rescue you can trust. I can already vizualize you haveing a very Merry Christmas with Bevann. PLEASE come home!


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## anoki (Oct 30, 2009)

I've been following this thread.....and I also remember the similar post last year about this.

As someone else who was in a very controlling relationship (thankfully broke it off before any engagement or marriage took place), it is easy for me to say WALK AWAY! I know it is NOT an easy thing to DO(especially when you are in another country, and with no one for support close by)....but honestly, YOUR happiness and sanity are at stake.

I look back on the time I was with my ex-bf.....and I can't believe how foolish I was to listen to his bs...and worst of all believe it....

I know for a fact I would not be as happy as I am today if I hadn't walked away....I would NOT have any of my horses, would not be riding, definitely would not have gotten the corgis and gotten into showing them and stuff, and I know I would be in a boatload of debt created by him.

The critters make my life now....and until I find someone who is as happy with them as I am, then single I will be.

My only regret is the fact that he took my trust of people with him....

It frustrates me greatly to see good people (women AND men, because it doesn't just happen to women) in these types of situations. Life IS too short to be unhappy in a relationship.

The hardest decisions I've ever had to make have always had the best outcomes when I listened to my heart to take the hard road. Yes, it's hard at first, but the outcome sure surpasses anything before it.

bevann, you are a true angel!!!





~kathryn


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## bcody (Oct 30, 2009)

You have recieved a lot of good advice, and a wonderful offer for help, please think bout it, seriously. I know it is not easy to give up your animals, I had to give mine up a few years ago (for different reasons) but they are all still OK. I will have horses again when we get mved and settled in Maryland.

Think about yourself, you only have one life. I also had an abusive relationship I was fortunate enough to end before marriage, but he was a stalker for many years. Take care of YOU. I know we do not want to admit it, but there are other people who can care for our animals, and if you take care of you, you will have the chance to have others.

I hope you will be my neighbor soon, Md is so close to Delaware!


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## AppyLover2 (Oct 30, 2009)

*Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life*. If you do nothing, nothing will change. Your future is your decision.


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## Reijel's Mom (Oct 30, 2009)

For some reason this problem has stuck in my head, and I don't know why. I can't help but wonder what husband's side of the story is? Is it a cultural issue? Or is he really just a JERK. Or is it a combination of the 2.

I'm really happy with my husband, but I know there has been at least one time in our rather short marriage so far (just 4 years) where I honestly could have walked quite happily if it wasn't for the committments of the house, animals, etc. At that time, we just seemed WAY too different and it was SO frustrating because I felt like I hadn't changed one drop from before we were married to after we were married so HOW DARE HE want me to be something different now?? I'm passionate about a number of causes, he's passionate about. . . well, college football



. Of course that lasted a couple of weeks and we got things straightened out for the most part, though I really wish he'd be a little more supportive and join me in supporting my causes once in awhile, but it sounds like your problem has been ongoing.

Was he completely different before you married him?

P.S. I thought people in Switzerland were supposed to be some of the happiest people anywhere!


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## TheCaseFamily00 (Oct 30, 2009)

I just wish you happiness{hugs}.


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## krissy3 (Oct 31, 2009)

loveminis said:


> I really feel bad for you but Bevann made you a wonderful offer !!!
> Where there is a will, they is a way ! You have 2 choices, stay and be miserable or leave and look forward to a new life where you are in control.


Yes Bevann is a saint, I have spoken with her. I am a strong woman , and I have in the past walked out of unhealthy relationships.... Well , probably too soon. All relationships will have a degree of unhealthyness from time to time ( bumbs in the road) and when one hits , I believe it can be a growing expierence for both partners..However when one partner is not willing or capable of growing the bumps come more often ...this is whats happening in my relationship. I believe my husband is trying ( not to the best of his ability , but "trying"). The relationship for us is over in my heart. My love for him as a friend is the same but as a husband that is suppose to charish , respect ,and care for a wife, well... he is not capable of doing that . I am sure his father was the same. When things are down in the marriage, things turn up everywhere else here. I dont know why , but it happens to me a lot . I am not religious , but there is a priest here that I adore. When things are bad , he just appears, and its very uplifting, he was here that same night just to say hello to me. I met a neighbor yesterday who told me she has a daughter, that is a horse trainer and is purching a quarter horse from the US... that could make a nice friend for me someday. This woman introduced herself as Frau &&%*ç&/&... at the end of our conversation she changed her mind and told me I could call her Elizabeth... this is a very big compliment for Swiss people, sometimes it takes a year or 2 before they allow you to call them by their first name , especially if you are forign. I cant leave my husband right before the winter season...it wouldnt be fair or nice. My ponys are my family, I will have to wait until I have enough money to get them to the states. Who knows maybe once I establish some friends here , my life would be better. No one can imagine what people go through in forign countries , unless you have done it yourself. Its a very strange feeling to not have friends or family, or not have a phone call for 3 years because you dont have a friend , and to not know the language well enough to articulate what your trying to say. I think if I knew enough words to show that I have a personality , I could make some friends... having a "gal pal" could make all the difference in the world here . As for my husband , well..he would have to change to the point of turning himself inside out , in order for me to stay with him, but for now ,I dont have much of a choice, and other that the bumps in the road, he is not a bad person, just not what I am looking for in a husband. Too bad, I wish I had known that before I moved here, but I have learned a lot being here.Thanks for listening, and for the advise,

Krissy


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## loveminis (Oct 31, 2009)

I wish you strength. Ultimately it is up to you to stay or leave.

I have to stay though that just getting your ponies back to the states is not going to make you happy.


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## SampleMM (Oct 31, 2009)

krissy3 said:


> loveminis said:
> 
> 
> > I really feel bad for you but Bevann made you a wonderful offer !!!
> ...



You are exactly right, you need a good friend. I'm sure many of us married women on this forum have wanted to take a pot and hit it over our husband's head or better yet, run out the back door and never come back. We've all been in the same situation but as you pointed out with no friends, you have nobody to vent to. That's why earlier I suggested a therapist--counselor, whatever you want to call them. Right now, it would be someone to listen to your problems and offer advice. I admire your strength, Krissy. I could never live in a foreign country and be away from family and friends. I'm just not that strong and I rely on others way too much. I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


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## loveminis (Oct 31, 2009)

In our relationship my husband is my best friend



, that's the way it should be.


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## krissy3 (Oct 31, 2009)

Tomorrow is our anniversary ...(great) . I have spoken with my husband , and the common problem I have with him is the lack of respect he has for me. I dont know if it is the way he was brought up in his family, or if it is a coulture thing. People in Switzerland are for the most part very cold, and insecure. Anyway, I will leave in spring, and will hopefully bring the horses with me. He is very upset with my altimadum (sp) of 3 things i would like him to work on , all dealing with respecting me . His only comment was that he would like me to be cleaner and not have hay in my shoes and track it in to the house, and to back off with the pressure for him to change. I have a bank account, I am being paid, I will save. Its too bad he doesnt want to save this marriage, he is a good person, just very stubborn. He feels like he is being a good husband because he pays my health insurance , taxes, and all the bills , except the horses. In a mans way of thinking I suppose he is right.I feel a little sorry for him, the town will talk , and this will hurt him.I am the third significant other ( this time married) all of his relationships have failed for more or less the same reason... you would think he would wake up this time. Then again I am not perfect, this is my second marriage. Its just really sad for both of us. Thanks for your support.


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## loveminis (Oct 31, 2009)

Now you have a plan



Good for you for sticking up for yourself and communicating with your husband.


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## Marty (Oct 31, 2009)

_No one can imagine what people go through in forign countries , unless you have done it yourself. Its a very strange feeling to not have friends or family, or not have a phone call for 3 years because you dont have a friend , and to not know the language well enough to articulate what your trying to say._

Exactly how I felt when I moved to Tennessee. Like an outcast. No friends, no one to talk to and the phone never rang. I became a hermit and isolated myself. I cried for my boys who were treated like outsiders in school and had no friends. We couldn't hardly understand the accent and the extreme slang even by the teachers it was so thick and the sayings and culture and day to day values was so different here. Took some time but once we were given the chance we all finally were accepted for who we were and now you couldn't drag me out of here.

The fact remains that people from different cultures think differently and have other values and you cannot altar or change significantly to suit you. I think its hard enough for any man/woman relationship to see eye to eye on everything in the first place but you learn to adapt to each other. But when you throw another culture into the mix, it makes it that much more difficult. Regardless, friendships are wonderful and I don't take them lightly. I'm a true blue friend to the end for mine. Although a friend right now would help ease your day, you should never have to rely on an outside friendship to make up for what is missing in your marriage.

As for the respect issue, you seem to be the one doing all the respecting since you are being gracious enough to remain during the winter just to help out. I am excited for you that you have found a plan and put it in place. Start counting the weeks to your new life. You're going to make it!


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## bevann (Oct 31, 2009)

Glad you have a plan.Sounds like his upbringing is the main part of the problem.In many cultures women are 2nd class citizens and have little value expect for reproduction and servant status.My ex was the same way.It is not a fun way to live.Just because I don't have a certain anatomy part doesn't mean I am wotrth less.He won't ever change-glad you are getting out.Just let me know when you will get here&what airport.Hopefully if you can ship your ponies to somewhere on the east coast I can pick up all of you to come here to my farm.I have lots of empty stalls now that I have reduced my numbers due to my age and health issues.Lots of empty pastures.Come spring I will need more 4 legged mowers.I have a spare bedroom and I just love critters.You might have to do some cooking for us since I hate to do that now-used to love it, but no more.Let me know what is going on Later


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## Miniv (Oct 31, 2009)

I'd just like to say WOW.....






If all this falls into place between Krissy and Bevann.........there is no question that it was meant to be.......

Krissy, You said something in one of your last posts about how if nothing else, you've learned from your experience. This makes me say one of my favorite quotes: "Everything happens for a reason.".........So, if nothing else, you are learning from all of this crap.


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## krissy3 (Nov 1, 2009)

Well its our annerversary today , and the morning started out nicely. we shared the duities of making a nice breakfast for 2 friends, and shared the cleaning up part, Lorenz is at a friends house and I went out to lunge ponys, but when I saw the sweat dripping down blancos legs , I decided to come in , have another glass of champaign , and hold off till the evening. Hubby now knows his path is going nowhere. He knows its time to put on those hiking boots and find a new direction... We read today that Michell Obama has also asked hubby to make some changes...I am not alone. ( we Europeand adore the Obamas) This relationship is only 3 years old , and its the longest relationship I have been in , including being married before...I dont want to bail out again, without giving him an oppertunity to make some much needed changes... time will tell, for now I will research transportation fees. thanks again


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## loveminis (Nov 1, 2009)

That's the key - TIME WILL TELL : )


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## LindaL (Nov 1, 2009)

Krissy....No one wants to "fail" and I understand your desire to work on your marriage instead of just bailing, but....deep in your heart I think you know you will leave....It is just a matter of when and only you can make that choice.

I have been married 2x before and no, I did not want to end it and feel like I failed...but sometimes you HAVE to put yourself FIRST...your happiness is what is most important. I struggled with that, especially in my 1st marriage when the kids were young and I did not want them to become a product of divorce. It was hard...one of the hardest decisions I'd ever had to make, because normally my kids do come 1st, but this time (even after a separation then a "try again" period) I knew I had to put my happiness before my kids. I have never regretted that decision.

I hope you find the strength to do what is best for yourself. You can PM me anytime...


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## WTFFarm (Nov 1, 2009)

I think one of the biggest mistakes women make is thinking they can "change" their husbands. I mean you can fix small things we can all learn to do that but you can't change someone's total personality...not permanently. If it's not there to start with it won't be there after


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## Katiean (Nov 1, 2009)

I have been reading your posts and advice. I lived in a controlling inviornment. I could not talk to a checker at the gas station or I was having an affair. I was allowed enough gas in my car to go to the grocery store and Dr appointments. If I went to the grocery store on Saturday, he would follow me to see who I was talking to. Just before I left he was going to disconnect the phone because I had a couple of friends and I called my mom. I just went and saw him after 19 years. I found out that he now has a ruffer life than I do and he had it all before. You will get to the point that you decide that you are the most important and you will leave. I did.


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## Charley (Nov 1, 2009)

I hope you are able to work things out. You have put a lot of thought and effort in this and I hope your husband sees this and is able to work with you in fixing things.


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## ~Dan (Nov 1, 2009)

I think it is mighty swell of you to try and fix the relationship, but if you've had as many problems as you said you have, is it really worth staying??? If hes been this way for 3 years, chances are, hes not gonna change anytime soon so why waste your time, money, and sanity on him. I seem to have a feeling hes being nice now because when you gave him your ultimatum, he knows he cant live without you and your help, so hes trying to trap you in the marriage to take care of his hotel and him. If it were me, id dump his scrub "A" and hi tail it to the grand ole' US of A. I hope all works out, just remember there are so many on here pining for you, so keep your head up and look for the positive outcome.


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## crponies (Nov 2, 2009)

I'm glad you are putting your efforts into trying to make things work. I know you said you are not religious, but I hope you won't mind if I am praying for you and your husband.


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