# Dealing with a dying parent



## Sonya (Oct 27, 2012)

Thought I would come here and share my feelings with you all...I know you have all gone through this (and even the passing of a child, which I can not even fathom)...My Dad has been sick for a very long time...5-6 years dealing with COPD...he would have good days where he could do alittle and then many bad days where he just laid in bed. He lasted alot longer than they expected and has been on Hospice for over a year (twice a week)...last week they started coming daily and my Father has requested my sister from NC and me. My parents live in PA along with my older sister, I am in MI.

I knew this was coming, but it certainly doesn't make it easier. Living far away and having a job I just can't leave whenever has given me alot of guilt, we go there to visit about every 3 months...it has also been hard being at work and trying to focus. I had to call in sick on Thursday because I was just too emotional, I am an Air Traffic Controller...and I have to be focused. I know he is suffering and I want to tell him it's ok he can go, or say something really profound that puts him at peace...I know he is afraid....I have laid awake at night trying to think of the way I want to say it. My Dad is 71, not young, but not really old for todays standards.

Me and my sister are going to meet at my parents this Monday....Anyhow, just wanted to share....I know many have gone through this and understand. I just hope I can be strong when I get there, I don't want to break down in front of him, I don't want him to worry about any of us.

Thanks for listening.


----------



## Mona (Oct 27, 2012)

My heart goes out to you at this difficult time.


----------



## minimomNC (Oct 27, 2012)

I was there with my husband when he passed. He had been in a coma for 4 months, everyone on LB was great. Always checking on us and sending prayers. But once I had realized that he was not coming back, he was getting worse every day, I sat with him, held his hand and told him I would be ok. If he felt he needed to go, I would be ok now. He passed 15 hours later. I don't know if I ever really cried, I don't remember a lot. But I held it together in front of everyone, it was the worst time of my life. So I know how you feel. Don't worry about crying, he's your dad and he will understand your hurt. Just tell him you love him and let him know that if he is ready that you will all be ok. I think they just need to know that. Dont feel guilt for living either, he knows your life is not easy with your type of job. Just be together when you can and remember there are many that are sending you prayers.

Audie had surgery 8 years ago today, he never woke up. But I had such a wonderful support system with my friends and family and still do today. Its going to be hard, but you will get through it.


----------



## Sonya (Oct 27, 2012)

Thankyou Mona....and Thankyou minimonNC for sharing your story.

I am a very private person and it's not easy for me to express emotion. It's nice to be able to come here and know I have the support from all the great folks here. I know this is life and so many have had heartaches that are so unbearable, they have gotten through though and I will too. I just thought it would be easier....the inevitable is never easy I guess, even if you think you are prepared. My poor Mother is like catatonic at this point, she is not in the best of health either and very depressed...I am hoping when me and my sister get there we can help her through this.


----------



## susanne (Oct 27, 2012)

Sonya, When my mother died after a very long goodbye, she had lost touch with much of the world around her, but still she taught me so much during that time.

Don't feel the need to say anything profound or something that will bring him peace. Just be there with your dad, and focus on those things that you love most about him. The rest will come naturally. Hold his hand and tell him you love him. Be honest with your emotions -- he knows he is dying, so being strong for his sake doesn't make sense. It may also help him to let him be your dad, the one you turned to for strength as a child.

Take care.


----------



## lucky seven (Oct 27, 2012)

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Lean on us anytime you need a shoulder.


----------



## Sonya (Oct 27, 2012)

Thanks you Susanne and lucky seven. I know you are right Susanne...I think it's in my nature....I always feel the need to 'fix' something or make things better...when there is really nothing to fix (maybe I should of been a man...lol).


----------



## Hosscrazy (Oct 27, 2012)

My heart goes out to you during this tough time... my mom passed away after a long battle with cancer at the age of 45 - I was 15 years old at the time. My only advice to you is to make sure you take care of yourself, both physically and emotionally right now. When you see your dad, let him know how much you love him. What a great father he was to you growing up. Share some of your favorite childhood memories with him... and maybe start a journal, writing down note. Every day try to think of something funny he said, something silly you guys shared together, a favorite sweater he loved to wear, a holiday dinner together. Hold onto those good memories - those are the ones he wants to you remember. But also let yourself grieve...it's part of the healing process as well. Sending you big hugs and support...

There's a wonderful book called On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross that might also be helpful for you.

Here's her website and the book on Amazon.

http://www.ekrfoundation.org/about-grief/

http://www.amazon.com/On-Death-Dying-Elisabeth-Kubler-Ross/dp/0684839385

Liz N.


----------



## Jill (Oct 27, 2012)

Sonya, my thoughts and prayers are with you! More than I can say!!!


----------



## Equuisize (Oct 27, 2012)

I lost both of my parents by the time I was 33. I miss them and miss the things

that they missed that I would have loved having them part of.

My father went quite suddenly but not unexpectedly, I suppose, as he'd had

small strokes off and on for years. My mother had a rare stomach cancer,

appeared to have beat it when they had to go in for a gall bladder issue and

it mestatized and she was gone in 10 days.

There is no way to prepare and yes, I think hope springs eternal that something

will magically happen to make them better.

When you get there to spend some time with him, I would just chat with your daddy

and reminisce, let him know how dear he is to you by sharing the highpints. It'll give

him an opportunity to relive those times, too. I think it's OK to let loved ones know that

you understand, when it becomes to much and they need to let go, because you will

always love and never forget them.

I wish you well & strength and send prayers to your whole family.

Take good care of yourself.


----------



## WendyJ (Oct 27, 2012)

Sonya,

My mom died suddenly and unexpectedly, and my Dad fortunately is still healthy, so I have no words of experience or wisdom for you. But you do have my thoughts and prayers. You strike me as likely being a wonderful daughter and I'm sure just being there with your Dad will be a huge blessing all by itself.

Wendy


----------



## horsefeather (Oct 27, 2012)

Sonya,

I have lost both parents so I know how you feel. I don't know if you believe this or not, but I so totally believe we will see our parents, friends, etc. again as I believe in an afterlife. If he is a man of faith, remind him that there will be someone who has gone ahead there to meet him. And, like the others, just talk to him and remember the good times. My prayers are with you and your family.

Pam


----------



## Bassett (Oct 27, 2012)

Sonya, Thinking of you and your family at this sad time. I pray you will find the strength to get through this and find comfort in thinking of the good times you've had with him. Never easy letting go. Take it an hour at a time. Be strong but take time to grieve and by all means think of yourself and take care of YOU. ((((((((HUGS




))))))))


----------



## Marty (Oct 28, 2012)

My mother died in a nursing home in her sleep from alzheimers.

I don't think you have to plan on what to say and what to do. You'll know when you get there. I'm glad you are going and I can only imagine how happy your dad will be to see you again.One step at a time.

I have COPD too.


----------



## Carolyn R (Oct 28, 2012)

Sending you prayers,praying for your strength and for mercy for your father. I am fortunate to still have my parents, my dad has made it through a few heart surgeries and my mother has survived breast cancer. I have been through it with my aunt whom we cared for,for a year when she was diagnosed with cancer the same time my mother had breast cancer, as well as the last 4.5 years of my grandmothers life. Both needed 24/7 care. It never gets easier,....I lost my uncle last year, but was able to see him a few times before he passed, he was pointedly direct knowing everything that was happening to him, which made it extremely hard. My last words to hm were, I love you and if I don't make it back here to see you again, I WILL see you again.

Marty is right, the words will come and just seeing you again will put your heart and his at ease. Focus on the difference he has made just by being in your life, the rest will fall into place, it always does.

God Bless


----------



## Miniv (Oct 28, 2012)

My heart goes out to you. It's very hard, I know......

My mother passed after being ill, but none of us expected her to not make it.....So, there was no real "good bye". (Although I think she "knew", but that's another story.)

My father had a heart condition and by the time he went to the hospital he told my husband he knew.......The night before, he and I had a chance to spend some special time together. Mixed in with telling him that I loved him and how important he was to me, we just shared some wonderful memories. And finally, I was able to assure him that I was going to be okay with whatever life dealt me......I remember him smiling and admitting that I'd already handled some rough stuff...... He passed away the next day under morphine, and in my arms. I am so grateful for that wonderful visit we'd had. Not many people are given that.

I hope you have a chance to just visit with your dad about memories, laughter, and love.....It will carry you on, even during those dark times.


----------



## Sonya (Oct 28, 2012)

Thankyou everyone for your prayers, thoughts, kind words and stories. They truely do help. Basically he has been sick since he retired and that makes me sad...I just wish things would of been different and he would of been able to enjoy the last years of his life more, but I can't change that. I don't think he ever really accepted how sick he was until the last week or so.....I do know that I will see him again someday. Thankyou for all the ((hugs)) I need them.


----------



## REO (Oct 28, 2012)

{{{{{{{Sonya}}}}}}} I'm so sorry





It's ok if you cry. Just tell him how you feel. Let him know that you will be ok AND that you'll look after your mom. He has to be worried about leaving her. I'm sure that will help bring him comfort knowing that.


----------



## jacks'thunder (Oct 28, 2012)

Sonya please know you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Huge ((((hugs))))


----------



## ozymandias (Oct 28, 2012)

Sonya,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I agree with the others that have said don't worry about to say. Just tell him you love him and the rest will follow.

I have something that I want to share, to help you in this time....

*Gone From My Sight*

by Henry Van Dyke
​


I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,

spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts

for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.

I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck

of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone"

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,

hull and spar as she was when she left my side.

And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.

And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"

there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices

ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"


----------



## Riverrose28 (Oct 28, 2012)

so sorry you are going through this, but I agree with all the others. My husbands Mom was the only one that lingered, all my other family passed real fast. We stayed at her side, till she was gone, good thing we had said all that needed to be said days earlier as by the time she passed whe was totallty out of it. She also had lung desease. Don't worry about remaining strong, just go with your heart.


----------



## zoey829 (Oct 28, 2012)

My prayers go out tou you and your family. I lived through this and it was tough. Make sure you just are there for him and tell him you love him, let God handle the rest! So sorry!!


----------



## vickie gee (Oct 28, 2012)

Sonya,

You are in my prayers. I know this is difficult. I have faith that God will see you through this and your dad will know he raised a daughter to be proud of.

Having faith means that it isn't necessary to have all the answers. Having faith in God and faith in yourself means trusting beyond explanations and logic. While faith is unseen, it can be felt in the heart---a safe and loving place. Let your faith rest there.

*Now faith is the substance of things hoped for**, **the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1*

Honor your feelings and heartache. Watching a loved one suffer and bidding them farewell naturally fills us with despair and uncertainty. Know that you are not alone. God is with you. I felt him there with me while I tended to my dying mom. My heart still broke but I found courage and strength in knowing she would be made new and suffer no more.

*But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31*

*We are citizens of heaven, where the Lo**rd **Jesus Christ lives. Phillipians 3:20*

I believe in you Sonya. {{hugs}}


----------



## muffntuf (Oct 28, 2012)

I find when I am lost for words a simple, meaningful, "I Love You" spans the voids of passage and time. Also "I will be fine, you can go home now" has eased a few who have passed before me.

I am entering the time when parents are getting old, their bodies are tiring out and dread the day when I have to say to them these same words.

Blessings and prayers to you at this time.


----------



## Jean_B (Oct 28, 2012)

Every parent worries about their children - so let him know that YOU will be OK and that you love him. Just holding his hand can be enough. A couple years ago my father had a major stroke and there was no recovery. I flew up to be with him, and just said whatever popped into my head....no thought and no reason to anything I said. And out popped "I love you, Daddy." I hadn't called him Daddy in well over 40 years....he had always been Dad. He knew I was there because he squeezed my hand but that was it. And it was enough.

Hugs to you.


----------



## Sonya (Oct 29, 2012)

Thankyou so much everyone. I really appreciate all your kind words, thoughts, and prayers...I know everyone goes through this...it's part of life. I will just let what happens happen and not give anything too much thought. I am leaving this afternoon, my hubby is coming with me (he and my Dad are very close, they hunted together alot when we lived in PA)

Me and my sister from NC had a talk about the role of Hospice and it's a very controversial subject that I won't get into right now...my sister feels he will pass while we are there and that is fine. That Frankenstorm is going to impact my parents pretty heavy, they are calling for 2 ft of snow (which they are very used to there but I'm sure the county/state is not going to be ready for it being so early in the season) so I'm glad we will be there in case of power outage etc...

Thanks again everyone...you are all very special kind people that are always there when someone needs prayers, thoughts, advice, support and a cyber shoulder. ((hugs to all))


----------



## SampleMM (Oct 30, 2012)

Sonya, my heart breaks for you. I totally know how you feel too. My dad has been very sick for the last five years and I have no idea how he has survived this long. He too has COPD, diabetes, a heart attack, bowel obstruction which led to a colostomy and many other surgeries but you get the idea. I just try and talk to him everyday and laugh and joke with him. At times, it is not easy and he is a real bear to be around but I just keep loving on him. In the last year, his mood has been much better so we ever took a small trip with him this summer.

I think the main thing is to let him know that you appreciate everything he's done for you and your family and that you love him and if he's ready to go than you are okay with that. ((((HUGS to you dear friend))))

Debbie


----------



## AngC (Oct 30, 2012)

Sonya....

I read your post a couple days ago, and it's been lurking in the back of my mind. It appears you are on your way, and hopefully, despite the weather, you made it there o.k.

There are no easy answers... you just do it.

My mother passed a couple years ago. She had been diagnosed with cancer in her lower liver. They cracked her open and then sewed her back up; the cancer had mestastized (sp?); the doctor said she'd live for only 6 months. While she was recuperating, she shared a room, and the other lady in the room died. That decided her that she DID NOT want to die in that place. So then she went home and was on hospice. After 6 months she was kicked off hospice because she was not yet dead. She stayed in her home for almost 6 years. Near the end of that period, my father (they'd been married for over 65 years) passed. She hung in awhile longer after that but her condition slowly deteriorated. She wanted to die at home. She did.

I felt bad because we (husband and I) were in WA and she was in MT and could not get there as frequently as I would have liked. And near the end she didn't want us there. She didnt' want us to see her like that.

I try to feel happy that my mother died in her home as she wanted. But for us the process had some really sucking moments. For example, after, a bunch of people trooped through the house (thankfully one lady was nice enough to point out to me that I had to dress her and helped me; my husband couldn't deal with it and had bailed outside by that point.) Then they all left. We sat out outside on the porch crying and wondering what to do while we waited for the funeral dudes to show up (took a couple hours.)

Back to my earlier comment, that you just do it. You do; I don't know how.

I think the best comfort I had was from my husband... he is more fanciful than I am. Right about when she died, we had taken a break form sitting with her and were out on the back of the property. Tom saw an eagle flying over and said that my dad was there to take her. We went back inside and the caregiver said she had just passed. And it sounds batty as all get out but some little part of this non-believer thinks that maybe the eagle did take her.....


----------



## Sonya (Oct 31, 2012)

Thankyou Samplemm and Angc.

Angc thanks for sharing your story...your Mom sure defied the odd....my Dad has also, he was 62 when he retired and although they couldn't afford for him to retire he did anyhow because at that time they told him he had 5-6 years left. Almost 10 years and he is still here. We made it here with no problems, just rain and high winds. My sister from NC met us so we could walk in together. When we went in his room, his face lit up and he startes to cry (I have never seen my Dad cry)...he hugged us so hard saying he thought he wasn't going to see us again. Us being here has given him a big lift and my Mom says he hasn't been this good in a few weeks. I am afraid to leave now. Hospice nurse said my Dad is different than most patients...most patients will stop eating and drinking and within a week or two they pass...my Dad won't be like that...he feels he will continue to eat, etc...it could happen at any time, there will be no warning.

I am suppose to go back today, have to work tomorrow but I want to stay...not sure what I am going to do.

Thankyou again everyone for your kind words, thoughts, prayers, and stories...they have brought me much comfort. Just being able to share with you all has helped.


----------



## dreamlandnh (Oct 31, 2012)

Sonya my thoughts/prayers are with you. I'm glad that you and your sister were able to make it there.

I haven't lost a parent but I have lost a grandfather that I was very close to. We found out that he had lung cancer and he battled it for about a year. The last night he was home I stayed with my Aunt and cared for him at the house with my grandmother there too and it was the a night I will never regret. Though I was up all night I cherish that time! It broke my heart to see my grandfather in that state but comforted me that I was able to be with him and talk to him. In the end my Aunt and I determined with the nurse that it would be best for him to return to the hospital so that they could provide the pain meds that he needed to remain comfortable...the whole time he was transferred from his bed to the gurney for the ambulance I held his hand and rubbed his head and said Grandpa it is ok, we are all here and we will all take care of Gram. I'm sure he could hear the tears in my voice. We had a call out to my other Aunt and she was able to make it down and he passed shortly after her arriving in the room.

Just be there and the words will come that need to be said.


----------



## SampleMM (Nov 1, 2012)

Sonya, I just posted back to you on Facebook. It looks like you are in PA and actually really close to me. It sure is a small world.

I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. Continued prayers for strength for your entire family. (((Hugs)))


----------



## Valerie (Nov 4, 2012)

I just got back from a trip, so was away from the computer. First of all, I am so very sorry you are all going through this. It brings up a lot of very similar feelings i was faced with last year when I knew my Dad was getting much, much worse .......I am truly thankful that my employer allowed me to work in another office in the same area my Dad lives so I was able to stay with him and between my sisters and one of my brothers and hospice, Dad was able to stay at home and die peacefully. It was around this time last year in fact that I stared working out of Salem, rather than make the 2 1/2 hour drive every weekend to try to help out. My Dad died of fatty liver disease, they gave him 6 months to 2 years and he was diagnosed 8-2010 and died Jan 2-12........ I am always here for you, if you are a private person, as i tend to be.....please feel you can PM me, I remember so much what it was like, the guilt, the second guessing....the what ifs....... The best advice I can give you is be yourself, and you will know what you want to say to your Dad, it is in your heart....and if you cannot get the words out, do not beat yourself up over it. I wanted so badly to have my Dad do some journaling, as he was the last survivor from his whole family, his parents, his 3 brothers and my own Mom all passed before him......so now I do not have either parent, am not an orphan with 6 siblings (all grown)......but have what feels like a fractured family.

I can tell you the hardest part, ok one of the hardest parts was watching my big bear of a Dad, get down to being able to not even get out of bed to go to the bathroom.......my Dad had Popeye arms, as my husband said and a big guy handshake....he was a policeman for 31 1/2 years and to watch him desinigrate was the worst.

Please know that we are all here for you and "hear" for you.........we can listen and if you want to vent or be sad, or any other emotion, please do so.......please take time for yourself........ after all the death in my family last year and then Dad in January, I am just not remembering that I have to take care of myself. I am sure your job is very stressful and please make sure you make your choices from your heart and your gut...... I was blessed to have been by my Dad's side all night the night be passed and I know that it was equally one the hardest and most rewarding events of my life. I will alwasy cherish my Dad and my Mom and I miss them both greatly, Mom died unexpectedly, so with Dad we got to say our goodbyes and do anything we could to help keep him home to die as he wished. His wish being fulfilled, did help, but I can also say I

miss my parents daily.

Hugs to you and again, please remember I am here for you, PM or post, whatever you need, I am just a computer away.


----------



## Sonya (Dec 8, 2012)

I thought I would update this thread. My Dad finally went Home early yesterday morning. He passed away at his house and I was there to hold his hand as he went Home. My Mom has been in the hospital very ill for almost 3 weeks, she was released yesterday about 10 hours after he passed away, it was heartbreaking telling her that her husband of 50 years passed away...they didn't get to say goodbye




. My Father was a wonderful man, so many accomplishments in his life, a decorated Veteran, he tought me so much and introduced so many things to me, including horses. I will miss him with all my heart.


----------



## Matt73 (Dec 8, 2012)

I'm so sorry. I'm glad you were there with him when he passed.


----------



## jacks'thunder (Dec 8, 2012)

Oh Sonya.... I'm so sorry

Please know your in my thoughts and prayers. My heart goes out to you my friend...


----------



## Riverrose28 (Dec 8, 2012)

I'm so sorry! Thank God you got to be there.


----------



## Valerie (Dec 9, 2012)

Sonya,

I am so very sorry to hear of your Dad's passing and it breaks my heart that your Mom did not get to say goodbye to him....wish I could take away all of your hurt and pain.

Please know I am thinking of you and your family at this time, life is precious and our loved ones always live on in our hearts, but it cannot replace the phone calls, letter, etc that we did when they were living with us, I miss my parents daily.

Hugs.... Valerie


----------



## SampleMM (Dec 9, 2012)

Oh Sonya, please accept my deepest sympathies to you and your family. I am so glad that you were able to be with your dad as he passed as it truly is a gift. Also, I hope your mom is on the mend. My goodness, you sure have been through a lot. (((hugs))))


----------



## LindaL (Dec 9, 2012)

I am so sorry for your loss Sonya! Having just lost my Mom, I truly understand your pain...{{{hugs}}}


----------



## vickie gee (Dec 9, 2012)

Sonya, you have my heartfelt sympathy. I was thinking of you and your Dad just yesterday while I was out with the herd. I know this is difficult and I am so very sorry about your Mom's situation and health as well. What a blessing that you were able to be with him.

_May his memory remain warm in your heart and comfort you in your sorrow. You have described him in the past as such a sweet father and I know you made him proud. Love is eternal and those we love continue to be with us in spirit. Though apart from you he is still part of you which you will feel in the echoes of the words you have heard him speak in the past. _


----------



## Boss Mare (Dec 9, 2012)

My condolences.


----------



## REO (Dec 9, 2012)

I'm so sorry {{{{{{{Sonya}}}}}}}


----------



## Carolyn R (Dec 9, 2012)

I am so sorry, but so very glad you had the opportunity to be there with him. We may not see it this way when we are in those shoes, but just as I was told when I cared for my grandmother, it is an honor bestowed on us. Yes every last bit, even the parts where pleasantries are not to be found, it is a humbling honor, once we get past our grief and many times anger at those around us that have not stepped up to the plate, we realize we have done our best to be there to hold a hand, comfort one another, give the well deserved dignity to our loved one and in the process find a certain healing power that is hard to put into words.


----------



## Sonya (Dec 10, 2012)

Thankyou very much everyone. I haven't had a chance to really grieve much yet. A couple hours after my Dad passed I had to clean up my parents bedroom for my Mom's arrival. Clean his meds up, change linens, rearrange the bedside toliet, hospital table, etc...for my Mom. Make all notifications. We brought my Mom home almost exactly 12 hours after he passed. I had to carry my Mom and have been changing her depends and cleaning her. On Sat I went to the funeral home and took care of arrangements. I did not sleep for 2 nights and slept very little the third as I was up checking on my Mom constantly and cleaning up after my 2 messy sisters. I decided to leave yesterday after picking up my Dad's ashes (yesterday was his birthday). I had permission to stay longer from my work but my husband begged me to come home or he was coming to get me. My other sisters are with my Mom and it is time for them to step up to the plate. I finally had a descent nights sleep last night in my own bed last night and a really good cry with my husband holding me and crying with me. I thought this would be easier, but it's not. Time will heal I know. My Dad did not want a viewing or memorial and wished to be cremated. We are having a party in May at a park that was named after my Father (Olson Park), it is were my Father was born and grew up and where his ashes will be scattered. Thankyou again everyone for your kind words, advice, and cyber hugs through my difficult time. I was my Dad's little girl....the one he took hunting, fishing, camping, boating (I have no brothers) and that is something I am so proud to have shared with him. Many hugs to everyone and thanks again.


----------



## Margo_C-T (Dec 10, 2012)

Sonya,

My heart is with you. How well I remember being where you are now, with my dear Mother; it is very hard, but I feel sure we will be with our loved ones again someday.

With a hug,

Margo


----------

