# Could use the power of positive thought



## StarRidgeAcres (Apr 25, 2011)

It is now out of my hands. It's all up to a judge. A man who has never met me or even seen me. I have to rely on this man to actually take the time to read and 50+ pages of depositions (actually 4 pages per one sheet of paper, so over a couple hundred pages) and my memo (modified from my original words by my attorney), my attys memo, the case law on the subject and then the same packet from my ex-husband's atty presenting their position.

The depositions of my ex, his "wife", and both his parents clearly demonstrate he is trying to use the letter of the law to, as my atty put it, "experience the benefits of marriage with none of the detriment." They admitted having a "commitment ceremony", they both were traditional style wedding rings on their ring fingers, they bought a home together specifically in the school district where here children attend school so they wouldn't have to move schools, they co-mingle their funds, he shares in parenting of the children, they are the beneficiaries of each others life insurance/401ks, etc. There's much more, but those are the highlights. But they never applied for a marriage license so he could continue to receive monthly maintenance from me.

My position is that he is married in the spirit of the word and therefore I shouldn't have to contribute financially to his new family. Even though there is volumes of testimony and case law that support my position, the judge may decide that since they never got a license they are not technically (legally) married.

Continuing to pay him has caused a substanstial financial hardship for me and it just gets worse each month. I really hope the judge sees my position and rules in my favor.

I could use any extra positive thoughts and energy you all can spare. I really need the stress of this to be over.






Thanks!

On a side note, I hadn't seen my ex-inlaws since before the divorce. They are lovely people and I loved them like my own parents. Seeing them was so emotional for me. I wanted to talk to them but I couldn't. As his mother was leaving she turned to me and said I miss you. I told her I miss her too. It was worse than the actual divorce. They are so old and frail now. I wish I could see them but my ex won't let me and they love their son so they are supporting his wish. His parents were always so kind to me. I hope they know I will always appreciate that.

Thanks again. It's a tough time.


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## Watcheye (Apr 25, 2011)

My heart breaks for you. My parents went through a nasty divorce (moms 3rd husband drained her dry and is living the good life now with his new wife and boat in Florida). I have witnessed many relationships where someone uses the other and treats them terribly. I wont go into details but please know I truly feel for you and I pray that all works out.


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## SampleMM (Apr 26, 2011)

Positive thoughts and prayers for a good outcome coming your way. My hope is that since they seem to be man and wife in every facet except for the paperwork that the judge will rule in your favor. Then you could put all this behind you. Take care.


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## Minimor (Apr 26, 2011)

For sure I will send positive thoughts your way. I hope the judge will see your side of this and rule in your favor. It's too bad that your divorce settlement didn't specify that common-law would count the same as marriage for purposes of your maintenance payments.

How miserable of your ex to go this route to try and keep getting money from you. And how miserable of him to forbid his parents to talk to you! As long as you're paying maintenance you should have the right to see his family.


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## Jill (Apr 26, 2011)

Parmela, you have my thoughts and prayers. Like you, I believe that kind of positive energy does make a difference... add that to the fact that you are the one being reasonable and I have a good feeling for how this will turn out


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## kaykay (Apr 26, 2011)

Sending good thoughts to you! Cant imagine the stress you are under.


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## barnbum (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm going to PRAY for you!!


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## Connie P (Apr 26, 2011)

Sending many good thoughts your way Parmela. Hang in there. Hugs friend! ((( )))


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## Charley (Apr 26, 2011)

Keeping you in my positive thoughts.


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## cretahillsgal (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm praying for you Parmela. I think it is awful what you are having to go through.


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## Magic (Apr 26, 2011)

Adding my good thoughts and prayers too, I sure hope that the judge sees it your way! {{{hugs}}}}


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## Valerie (Apr 26, 2011)

Sending thoughts and prayers your way........and hoping for the best outcome for you, it sounds like you have been beyond nice and I truly hope the Judge rules in your favor, as it seems to me the only fair thing to do.

Hugs to you.


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## Sterling (Apr 26, 2011)

Adding my good thoughts and prayers for you. You broke my heart when you mentioned how frail his parents are and how they miss you. It's such a sad situation when people try to manipulate others to their own benefit. I'm so sorry you are going thru this.


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## Miniv (Apr 26, 2011)

Positive Thoughts!!!


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## StarRidgeAcres (Apr 26, 2011)

Thank you all very much. I do believe positive thoughts/prayers - whatever each believes in - does make a difference.

After the depositions my lawyer said if it were ANY other judge, she would have already felt like celebrating. Both of his parents as well as his "wife" all used the word marriage many times as part of their answers. But as I've been told from day one, this particular judge is known for supporting the position of the man - regardless of what that position is - and I've also been told that my original divorce agreement (the maintenance and the other monetary things I gave him) would never have even gotten past any other judge. Basically due to the ridiculousness of it, but this judge signed it. I do realize that I am an adult and that I am also responsible for this agreement turning out the way it did. Looking back all I can figure is that I just wanted out so badly and felt so guilty for leaving him that I agreed to give him everything he asked for. If I had it to do over again it would be very different, I can bet on that.

But now it is what it is. And I wait and I wait. The judge has no timeframe in which he has to rule. I'm told I should know in a month or less, but there is no guarantee.

As for his parents, it is a said situation. They were always so wonderful to me and welcomed me into their family as if I was born to them. It was obvious from their answers during the depos that they have NO idea why this is even happening. They have no idea that I pay him maintenance, they have ho idea how he even supports himself. For all I know they may think I'm asking him for money! I am going to write his mother a letter and tell her how much I will always appreciate how nice they were to me. Hopefully she gets it and understands, at least a little, that I did what I had to do.

But to hear them talk of his home he bought, a radio-controlled airplane for the kids to play with, and to think that I lost my farm, had to move to a place half the size and have had to sell or re-home 18 of my horses...well, it just doesn't seem right. But again, I'm a big girl and I know life doesn't always seem fair. Funny how he never wanted children - ever. And now he's playing father to two pre-teens. As soon as I knew i was going to ask for a divorce I started thinking maybe I'd have a child on my own, maybe with the help of a friend or a reproductive service. Now it's almost two years later, he has children and I have recently passed the point of that being an option (if you know what I mean). Funny how life works sometimes. I can only assume there is a bigger picture that I am just not privvy to yet.

Thanks everyone again for "listening." Sometimes I feel (and certainly look) like I've aged 10 years in the last 2.


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## Jill (Apr 26, 2011)

Parmela, I know I'm not the only one who wishes she could give you a big hug right now! Lots of people pulling for you!!!


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## topnotchminis (Apr 26, 2011)

Sending you many positive thoughts and prayers.


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## hobbyhorse23 (Apr 26, 2011)

Jill said:


> Parmela, I know I'm not the only one who wishes she could give you a big hug right now! Lots of people pulling for you!!!








The things with his parents and you wanting kids just break my heart.



So sad! I admire you tremendously for holding up to this with such grace.

Leia


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## Marty (Apr 27, 2011)

Send a crane because I fainted on the floor when I read this and I can't get up!

This idiot woman hater judge used you to make an example of! How dare he!

I cannot believe what you have gone through all this time. It is not fair, so very unfair!

I am really hoping you get satisfaction out of all this nasty stuff and prevail like you should have! The laws in this country need one heck of an overhaul; every dad blasted one of them.


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## Crabby-Chicken (Apr 27, 2011)

I am so sorry that after all this time you have to still deal with all this negative crap. I really REALLY hope it works out well!!! And am happy you got a wonderful guy finally that appreciates you and yours. Good luck!


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## miniwhinny (Apr 27, 2011)

This is SO unfair! I feel so bad for you. Good thoughts beeing sent your way and hoping this works out in YOUR favor


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## Make A Wish Miniatures (Apr 27, 2011)

Thinking about you and saying prayers for a good outcome.


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## Barbie (Apr 28, 2011)

Praying for good results for you Parmela!!!! I can't believe a judge would go along with this!!!! Your ex should man up and support himself and not mooch off you.

(((((HUGS)))) Hoping to read results in your favor soon!

Barbie


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## Reble (Apr 28, 2011)

I feel very positive this will all be behind you soon.

and for sure in your favor, positive thoughts is the way to go

Good Luck and please update us on your good news yet to come.


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## StarRidgeAcres (Apr 28, 2011)

Thank you all for the supportive words and thoughts. It's so appreciated. I will let everyone know what the outcome is. As of today the judge hasn't looked at it. So, one week down, who knows how many to go. My atty advised that I write his May check, but send it to her and she will hold it until this is resolved. That way it's out of my hands and I've still technically complied with the current agreement. He'll be ticked when that doesn't arrive. Not looking forward to that text.


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## Matt73 (Apr 28, 2011)

Thinking of you, Parmela...


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## SampleMM (Apr 28, 2011)

StarRidgeAcres said:


> Thank you all for the supportive words and thoughts. It's so appreciated. I will let everyone know what the outcome is. As of today the judge hasn't looked at it. So, one week down, who knows how many to go. My atty advised that I write his May check, but send it to her and she will hold it until this is resolved. That way it's out of my hands and I've still technically complied with the current agreement. He'll be ticked when that doesn't arrive. Not looking forward to that text.



Parmela, my husband and I have been involved with two different judgements where we had to wait and wait for the judge to rule. One was heard last September and we just got the ruling last week. He ruled that he wasn't going to rule.........say what?? The other case took several months as well. Our attorney said the judge can let it sit there for as long as he wants and that there is really no time limit. Not saying this is the case for you but just sharing my experiences.


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## StarRidgeAcres (Apr 29, 2011)

SampleMM said:


> Parmela, my husband and I have been involved with two different judgements where we had to wait and wait for the judge to rule. One was heard last September and we just got the ruling last week. He ruled that he wasn't going to rule.........say what?? The other case took several months as well. Our attorney said the judge can let it sit there for as long as he wants and that there is really no time limit. Not saying this is the case for you but just sharing my experiences.


Yes, I've been warned there is NO time limit. The judge is bound to no time in which to respond. Doesn't seem fair in that everything presented to the judge always has to be done by a certain date.

So I guess all we can do is wait.


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## targetsmom (Apr 29, 2011)

Oh, Parmela I am so sorry to hear this and sorry I didn't see it sooner. Adding positive thoughts and will continue to think of you! And so thankful my long ago divorce was amicable!


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## minisch (Apr 30, 2011)

I'll send some positive thoughts your way. I've been going on a 2+ year divorce that has me worn to a frazzle.


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## AppyLover2 (May 1, 2011)

Positive thoughts and cyber hugs being sent your way. Since it's become such a common practice, I think a lot of states need to reconsider their laws concerning "marriage" vs "common law". Best of luck to you and hopefully the right decision will be made sooner rather than later.


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## Helicopter (May 1, 2011)

Geez, what a lowlife. Him not you. I've always said I'd rather have a dog.

Hope all goes well for you.


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## eagles ring farm (May 2, 2011)

Parmela I'm so sorry you've had to go through all this

life can be so unfair.

Hoping for a quick positive outcome for you

so you can go on with your life and leave that #-!# behind once and for all.

Tons of postive thoughts coming your way!!!!


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## sfmini (May 3, 2011)

Parmela, thinking great thoughts for you, hope the judge sees the light.

Like everything, this too shall pass.

As for babymaking, just because the factory has shut down doesn't mean you can't outsource so to speak and adopt. I am sure there are lots of little girls out there just dreaming of a horse owning person that will swoop down and bring them into their fantasy life. Yes, older kids can be a challenge and tough, but rewarding too.

As for the former in-laws, if you feel so strongly towards them, you didn't divorce them, you divorced their low life son and I am sure they would appreciate hearing how you feel about them. Maybe you can maintain some kind of relationship.

Good luck, hoping for all the best.

Scary situation, but I admire you for being strong enough to stand up and fight for a better life for yourself once the dust settles.

I am also beginning the process of extricating myself from an 18 year partnership with a friend and her husband as I cannot tolerate living with the husband any more. I am so sad as I will likely lose my best friend and that has stopped me up to this point, but that butt head she is married to has made it impossible and unfair to myself. Sad because they will not be able to afford to buy me out so the farm has to sell, which means most of our horses must go (mine too). It is going to be a mess and I have been taking the coward's way out and not doing anything about it.

Gonna be a bumpy ride!


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## Allure Ranch (May 3, 2011)

_My thoughts and prayers are with you...._


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## StarRidgeAcres (May 4, 2011)

Well, two weeks as of today and no word.







sfmini said:


> Parmela, thinking great thoughts for you, hope the judge sees the light.
> 
> Like everything, this too shall pass.
> 
> ...



Jody,

I'm so, SO sorry to hear this. I won't sugarcoat it and say it's going to be easy because it's not. I really feel for you. It doesn't have to be a marriage (traditionally speaking) to feel like a divorce when the time comes to part ways. But if it's any consolation, every friend of mine who had been through a divorce said the same thing...It will be heck while it's going on, but when it's all said and done, you will look back and know it was the right decision.

I wish you the best. If you ever just need to talk or bounce anything off of someone I'm here. I didn't have very much of a support system and I think that contributed to some of the decisions I made that I now regret. Sometimes it just helps to have an outside party to bring some reality to the situation. Don't be afraid to use your friends, family, the forum, whatever you need to help you through this.





Hugs to you!


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## sfmini (May 6, 2011)

Thanks Parm, I appreciate that.

This isn't something that will happen overnight, I want to get Judy off by herself to talk to her without her husband freaking out and yelling and spewing abusive words. I need to set a deadline for them to buy me out and then use that time to re-home some horses and get my ducks in a row.

Also, we have a legal benefit at work that I am going to opt into that is only $13.40/month and that would start July 1 (state fiscal year). That way I can make use of a lawyer during this mess.

I am so stressed out that I am clenching my teeth 24/7 and it has inflamed arthritis in my jaw. Not a good time at all.

I hate that people end up getting so nasty about things, like your X pulling his stunts. I do hope you win your court case and he gets his butt chewed for trying to game the system.


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## StarRidgeAcres (May 11, 2011)

Well, not the news I was hoping for, but not a "no" either.

It is going to trial. The judge wants verbal testimony. It will take a couple of months to get a trial date and my lawyer wants me to use someone else since she is concerned, based on her history with this judge, that he may hold their relationship against me. I have an appt at the end of May with the new lawyer. I'm an NOT thrilled about changing lawyers as I really like the one I have, but she says it's for the best.


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## Crabby-Chicken (May 11, 2011)

I am glad your lawyer put your well being above her job. Good luck and I hope it is over soon and the rule in your favor soon Parmela!


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## rockin r (May 13, 2011)

I know all too well about positive thoughts and prayer and what they can do! Sending them your way!


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## weebiscuit (May 13, 2011)

StarRidgeAcres said:


> My position is that he is married in the spirit of the word and therefore I shouldn't have to contribute financially to his new family. Even though there is volumes of testimony and case law that support my position, the judge may decide that since they never got a license they are not technically (legally) married.
> 
> Continuing to pay him has caused a substanstial financial hardship for me and it just gets worse each month. I really hope the judge sees my position and rules in my favor.
> 
> I could use any extra positive thoughts and energy you all can spare. I really need the stress of this to be over.


I am just stunned that YOU are paying HIM alimony support, and you don't have any children that are in his care! What kind of a jerk is this man that he is content to continue to allow an ex-wife support him? You have my sympathy and I will definitely be thinking positive thoughts for you!


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## SweetOpal (May 13, 2011)

weebiscuit said:


> I am just stunned that YOU are paying HIM alimony support, and you don't have any children that are in his care! What kind of a jerk is this man that he is content to continue to allow an ex-wife support him? You have my sympathy and I will definitely be thinking positive thoughts for you!



AMEN sister, that is exactly what I was thinking as I was reading this!!!!!!!!!! Unreal!!! Good riddens, I hope it all works out for you.


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## StarRidgeAcres (May 22, 2011)

The trial date is June 29th. I meet with the new lawyer on May 31st.

I sometimes feel like it will never end.


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## ~Lisa~ (May 22, 2011)

well all I can say is WHAT A WEENIE..his new "wife" should be totally humiliated she is taking money from you and him well how he can be happy not acting like a man I will never understand!!


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## REO (May 23, 2011)

OMG Parm!





He's not a man, he's a leech!



`

{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}


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## wildoak (May 23, 2011)

Wow, pretty unbelievable. I hadn't seen this thread before....I would have expected a "common law" marriage to hold up in court, I'm sure that varies from state to state. Will be thinking of you and hope you prvail in court!

Jody, sorry for your situation too...life just gets a little too complicated sometimes!

Jan


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## Jill (May 24, 2011)

Parmela, I didn't say it before but since others have said something similar and it doesn't seem to have upset you -- the first thing I thought when I read about what's been going on and how he's living off his ex-wife's money was he should GROW A PAIR! Unmanly. I get it (trust me) that sometimes women earn more than men. Not a problem... but for a man to sit back after a relationship is over, be in a serious "marriage like" new relationship, and still waiting on a monthly check from his ex-wife, he should be ashamed. I hope the trial goes in your favor. In a proper world, it surely would. My thoughts and prayers are with you and will be looking forward to some good news as a result of the court date!


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## StarRidgeAcres (Aug 30, 2011)

Update:

Well it seems it may be officially over. Why no jumping, screaming for joy? Well I guess because I've learned over the last year that sometimes even though things seem resolved, something can still come up. But for _now_, it's over.

On July 19, 2011, the judge ruled in my favor! In his written decision, he cited my ex's (and his "wife's") "commitment ceremony", their invitations, her white dress, the church in which the ceremony was held, the fact that it was performed by a minister, scripture was read, vows were exchanged, traditional wedding-style rings were exchanged (and still worn, except for the trial



) as a "substitute for marriage" and the only reason they didn't apply for a marriage license was to "continue to receive spousal support" from me. I was awarded back alimony payments (to August of 2010) and all court costs, not attys fees. I don't expect I'll ever see a dime of it, but at least I no longer have to pay.

I couldn't mention it back in July as my ex technically had 40 days to appeal. But this past week I recieved a check from him as "partial" payment. I got out my calculator and realized at this rate, it will take him 144 months (12 years) to pay me back!



Again, I don't expect to ever really see the money. But my lawyer did file a lien against his home (that he bought with the almost $125k he got in cash when we first divorced



) so if he ever sells it, I will get my judgement plus 9% which is a pretty good investment these days!





Thank you EVERYONE for all the kind and supportive wishes and thoughts!









They all meant the world to me and I truly believe they all added up and helped!

I wouldn't wish this, financially or emotionally, on my worst enemy. So glad it seems to be over.


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## Jill (Aug 30, 2011)

I'm happy it went in your favor -- as VERY well it should have!


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## Equuisize (Aug 30, 2011)

How wonderful to have it over but even better, to know that justice

really does happen.


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## LindaL (Aug 30, 2011)

Parmela...I'm glad the judge sided in your favor as it was clearly not right that your ex should have gotten anything from you at all. While you may never see any re-payment, I would still file for "non-payment" because I believe it may be possible to garnish any wages he has (just like with child support). The fact that there is now a lien on his house is awesome, too. Sounds like you will get your money...eventually!


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## cretahillsgal (Aug 30, 2011)

YAY!!! Im so happy that you can finally start to put it all behind you!


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## RockRiverTiff (Aug 30, 2011)

So happy to read this whole ordeal is finally over for you, and that for once common sense prevailed! Someone very close to me is going through the same thing, and I can only pray that someday soon it will be over for them too.


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## REO (Aug 30, 2011)

*WHOOO HOOOO!!!!!*





















I'm SooooooooOOoOoO HAPPY for you Parm!!!!

I could just kiss that judge!

I'd like to kick your Ex in the behind!! What a low life to make you pay for his life with his new wife! Sorry piece of crap!


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## bcody (Aug 30, 2011)

AWESOME!!!!!


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## Crabby-Chicken (Aug 30, 2011)

OH MAN!!!! That is some FANTASTIC NEWS! Congrats and now you can go on with your life and the awesome guy you have now!!!


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## dgrminis (Aug 30, 2011)

Congrats!!! That is amazing news



I know you don't expect it but I really hope that one day you do get your money back also


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## weebiscuit (Aug 30, 2011)

Pamela, I really hope the judge can see what's happening, and see that it's wrong! I still don't understand why YOU are paying a support check to this leech when you don't even have children together! I am disgusted by any man (or woman) who uses another woman (or man) in such a despicable manner.

Pamela, I see you are in Missouri! Heck, that's only about ten hours from me! Want I should come and give you a big hug and hold up a sign in the courtroom that says, "Users Like You Are Losers" and wave it in front of his face?


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## targetsmom (Sep 1, 2011)

Parmela-

I am SO glad to hear the judge finally made the right decision and that you can (I hope) put this all behind you.

Mary


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## Helicopter (Sep 3, 2011)

Pamela

That's such great news. Hopefully now you are completey free of the scum.


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## miniwhinny (Sep 3, 2011)

WOW !!!! AWESOME NEWS !!!!!




:yeah



:yeah


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## Aristocratic Minis (Sep 4, 2011)

Glad to hear the judge made a wise decision. The waiting must have been agonizing for you. Now you can relax a bit and think of yourself.


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## StarRidgeAcres (Sep 8, 2011)

Thank you to everyone for the kind and supportive words. It means a ton to me.





On a side note, all this time (and even during our marriage), I never said a bad word about him. I told the truth about him not working, etc., but I never called him names or put him down or was in any way hurtful toward him. But I think I have finally lost my restraint. I found out yesterday that his mother passed away on August 16th. He never called me, or in any way offered me an opportunity to see her before she passed or even attend the visitation. I really think, of all the things that passed between us, this one is the most hurtful. I just can't for the life of me understand how he could use his anger toward me for the divorce and the not wanting to pay him support any more in this way. I asked and asked if I could see her before she passed and he told me he was afraid she'd say something that would cost him more in lawyers fees. Truly unbelievable.



This may finally be the one thing I can't forgive.


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## REO (Sep 8, 2011)

StarRidgeAcres said:


> I asked and asked if I could see her before she passed and he told me he was afraid she'd say something that would cost him more in lawyers fees.


How utterly SELFISH and screwed up can someone get? OMG!!! Parm, I bet she would have loved to see you too but Mr BUTTHEAD could only think of himself, even when his mom was dying.

What a sorry excuse for a man.


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