# Husband says he is the only bread wnner in family



## wade3504 (Apr 15, 2011)

My husband tells me this evening that he is the only bread winner in this family and that he pays for everything. Really? Great! So, I get about $1400 a month so what shall I do with it? Silly me I found my last mini a home so we wouldn't have his expenses but apparently I didn't need to do that so maybe I'll find another, since $1400 a month will more than cover board. Or since I have friends' horses to work with maybe I'll take a vacation. Maybe I'll go back to working part time. Who knows, what do you all suggest? (sorry, really peeved right now).

Amanda


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## Molly's Run Minis (Apr 15, 2011)

definetly get another horse! or...a vacation does sound good but i'd go with the horse






i'd be peeved to if i were you! he'd be sleeping on the lawn for the next century...or until he admitted he was wrong and your more important to him than who makes the most money....whatever comes first


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## Miniv (Apr 15, 2011)

Don't spend your money (yet)......Sock it away in your own account for awhile. Think of it as a savings account for you.





At some point he's going to wonder why the budget is so tight.



Then you can show him what he's MISSING! (It's called taking the wife for granted. He just needs a little "heads up". It may take a couple of months.)


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## Shari (Apr 15, 2011)

I would say, start a savings account, like MA said. It is good to have a nest egg for when things happen.


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## miniwhinny (Apr 15, 2011)

Forget the new horse...get a NEW HUSBAND !!!! I'm serious, what a JERK !


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## Molly's Run Minis (Apr 15, 2011)

miniwhinny said:


> Forget the new horse...get a NEW HUSBAND !!!! I'm serious, what a JERK !


DITTO!!

but i still think you should get a new horse


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## mydaddysjag (Apr 15, 2011)

Savings account. Save up for something BIG then when he questions where the money came from, explain that since he "pays for everything" you saved up your peanuts, looks like he lost out. Funny how them peanuts add up


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## Minimor (Apr 15, 2011)

I agree with MA--put it into a savings account (one in YOUR name) and just let it accumlate for a little while. Wait & see how long it takes for him to notice that "his" paycheck isn't going quite as far as he thinks it does.


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## disneyhorse (Apr 16, 2011)

These threads about relationships are sometimes a little awkward for me. It is SO hard to give any sort of real advice without knowing the other side of the story.

That said, I would save it for a vacation for the two of you, or spend it on marriage counseling.

Andrea


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## Miniv (Apr 16, 2011)

Disneyhorse made some good points.........Don't spend it on anything (unless there's an emergency). Perhaps you can prove your position by using it on something for you BOTH.


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## supaspot (Apr 16, 2011)

is he always a jerk or has he got something on his mind lately ? money is tight for most people these days , perhaps hes feeling the pressure , having said that its no excuse to take it out on you , sit down and tell him how you feel , if hes half decent he will feel bad about his comments and apoligise to you , if you love each other be careful not to turn this into something bigger than it is

good luck


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## wade3504 (Apr 16, 2011)

I'm not going to spend it. I was really mad last night. I am still upset and will not be putting my paycheck into our joint account until he realizes that my check does help. I mean in the past couple of weeks I had to start working full time as he doesn't make enough to support us (and the car we just had to buy) so we'll see how long it takes for him to understand that he needs my paycheck. He'll come to the realization by the end of the month. I do plan on having some of my own money though. Whenever he wants something he buys it and I haven't bought anything I've wanted in a long long time. I am the type that takes care of what we need first then if there is extra go for what I want.

He always has something on his mind. The problem is that he always takes it out on me and the kids. So, I had a me day today and went to see my mini that I had given away to a new home last November. He is doing great and spoiled rotten so that made me happy. I hadn't seen him since I gave him away and then i went to lunch. Now I am home and he acts like nothing is wrong. It will be in a few weeks.


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## Magic (Apr 16, 2011)

It sounds like maybe he is upset with himself for not being able to make enough right now to cover all of the family's expenses, and it's hurting his pride. That would explain why he said what he did. I'd wait for a time when the two of you can talk and tell him how much it hurt you that he claims to be the only breadwinner, because you work hard too. Tell him you're proud of him (if you are, I guess!) and that you don't think less of him for you needing to work full time for the time being-- at least he has a job, which in this economy is not a small thing! Use this as an opportunity to bring the two of you closer, rather than fight over thoughtless words, is my advice.





Oh, edited to say, and then if he's still acting like a jerk, keep your paychecks out of the joint account to make your point, lol!


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## miniwhinny (Apr 16, 2011)

Magic said:


> It sounds like maybe he is upset with himself for not being able to make enough right now to cover all of the family's expenses, and it's hurting his pride. That would explain why he said what he did.


NO, that would NOT explain why he said what he did ! NO man, husband, boyfriend should treat a woman in such a degrading manner no matter what the reason. The man is NOT head of the family and nor is the wife..no one is "head" of the family...a husband and wife are EQUAL. I've been married 23 years and adore my BEST FRIEND as much today as the day we met (and I earn a heck of a lot more than he does and he earns 6 figures). What's wrong with women today...STOP allowing yourselves to be treated like second class human beings to some man. You think he has the right to rule the roost because he has outside plumbing....no wonder women in this country are treated differently, get lower pay for the same job etc. I have a feeling it all boils down to how religious this country is and how christianity degrades women just like Islam does and promotes the man as being more important. A lot of women fall for this and worse its force fed to then from an early age.

Stand up for yourself. You have a partnership with your husband.


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## ~Lisa~ (Apr 16, 2011)

disneyhorse said:


> These threads about relationships are sometimes a little awkward for me. It is SO hard to give any sort of real advice without knowing the other side of the story.
> 
> That said, I would save it for a vacation for the two of you, or spend it on marriage counseling.
> 
> Andrea


I agree but without knowing the conversation before hand or your financial situation.. can he pay all the bills with just his check alone or will your holding back your paycheck effect the lifestyle you both live?

Not that you need to answer to me of course lol but sometimes people say things in the heat of the moment that they might not really mean?


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## CookieGirl (Apr 17, 2011)

miniwhinny said:


> NO, that would NOT explain why he said what he did ! NO man, husband, boyfriend should treat a woman in such a degrading manner no matter what the reason. The man is NOT head of the family and nor is the wife..no one is "head" of the family...a husband and wife are EQUAL. I've been married 23 years and adore my BEST FRIEND as much today as the day we met (and I earn a heck of a lot more than he does and he earns 6 figures). What's wrong with women today...STOP allowing yourselves to be treated like second class human beings to some man. You think he has the right to rule the roost because he has outside plumbing....no wonder women in this country are treated differently, get lower pay for the same job etc. I have a feeling it all boils down to how religious this country is and how christianity degrades women just like Islam does and promotes the man as being more important. A lot of women fall for this and worse its force fed to then from an early age.
> 
> Stand up for yourself. You have a partnership with your husband.















Heck yes! What she said!

I am the main source of income in my house at this point in time. Even with that said, my husband is my best friend and an equal partner in all decisions. We both talk about any large financial decisions before coming to a conclusion, and I am sure that even if the roles were reversed it would play out the same way. We may fight about it sometimes, but even if I don't agree with him, I would never tell him that I make the money, so I make the decisions.

I had to grow up pretty fast, but I think that helped me to learn that I am just as capable of taking care of my family as anyone else. He may be the 'man of the house' but you have to remember that song, "This is a man's world but it wouldn't be nothing without a woman or a girl."

They don't always like to say it, but they need us.


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## Charlene (Apr 17, 2011)

every time i read one of these relationship threads, i can't help but wonder about the level of maturity. so many times, in the scheme of things, these matters are small potatoes compared to the big picture. often, i see people (mostly women) are are unhappy with their men for reasons that just don't make a lot of sense to me.

you apparently have $1400/month to do whatever you want with. what are you complaining about?? spend it, save it, give it away but don't complain about it. there are people (men AND women) who would give their right arm to have extra money at the end of the month. unfortunately, most people have too much month left at the end of the money these days.

if your husband doesn't think he needs your paycheck to survive, more power to him. but, i honestly don't see what the big deal is. maybe i'm missing something.

do keep in mind though...if you sock this money away during your marriage and if you some day decide you no longer want to BE married, this money would most likely be considered marital property, to be split 50/50.

have you ever thought about how UNimportant this issue would be if your husband left for work and got hit by a train?


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## wade3504 (Apr 17, 2011)

Charlene, the reason I am still here is because I love and care about him and the kids. The thing is, if you had read my second post, is that he can't make it without my money, therefore the reason I am not spending but am going to wait until he admits that he does need it. I will not let him walk all over me and tell me things like that when they are not true. We have nowhere near enough money for me to spend any of my paycheck right now on things that I want but I am tired of him saying hurtful things to me (and yes I told him it hurt me badly). I recently started working full time having to have my mother in law watch the kids, which I cannot stand as I want to be home with them after school, but I cannot be and then he throws this in my face. Any time he gets upset about things (that 99% of the time don't even involve me) he takes it out on me or gets angry at the kids. I can handle him taking it out on me alot more than him getting angry with the kids for things they didn't do. Alot of his anger problems stem from his childhood but he won't speak to the people who he needs to about how he feels (he takes it out on those who don't deserve it).

Yes, he might be feeling stressed right now because of our financial situation but no need to hurt me over it as I am just as stressed as he is. Plus he goes to counseling for his past issues and I go with him to support him and the Dr. has talked to him about how he hurts me yet he still does it.

Just last week he tried telling me he will make all the decisions as well. I won't let that fly either as last time I checked this was a marriage/partnership and not a boss/employee relationship.


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## Charlene (Apr 17, 2011)

yes, i did see that part of your post. what i don't understand is this...if you are socking your paycheck away at this point and living off of what he brings home, what are you going without? can he make the house payment? the car payment? put food on the table? make sure your kids have decent clothing? put gas in the car? IF he can do all of these things without your paycheck, what is there left?

i understand your feelings and i understand he has hurt you. i was married for 25 years to a very controlling man. i didn't have a lot of input into what we did with our money. the difference is, he had a 6 figure income. my paychecks were considered "mad money", i did whatever i wanted with them and there wasn't a problem. however, decision making was his and his alone. my input was not asked for most of the time and when i tried to give it, it was ignored. so i do completely understand your hurt feelings, believe me!

i'm glad to see you are both going to counseling but i have to wonder...if all of this is still going on, how much good is counseling doing? maybe it's time to find a different counselor as this one doesn't seem to be making much progress.

i sincerely hope you guys can work this all out. it takes a lot of time. in my case, i simply got tired of it, never sought counseling because the issues were so deep seated, i knew it wouldn't help. we parted after 25 years and while the first couple of years post-divorce were not entirely friendly, we have since reconnected and he and his new wife are absolutely my best friends in the whole world.

when i was divorced and found gary, the difference in the 2 relationships was night and day. i often wondered, over the 12 years gary and i were together until his death, what on earth i did to deserve the perfect man! sadly, 12 years wasn't long enough. a whole lifetime wouldn't have been long enough. in that 12 years, i can honestly say gary and i never had a cross word between us. not one single time did we look at each other cross-eyed and up until the day he died, my heart still skipped a beat every time i heard his voice.

i guess what i am trying to say is this...you love your husband and he loves you. you have children together and you have a whole lifetime ahead of you. whatever issues he has that were there before you met him will have to be worked out. those are things you had no control over and it's sad that he seems to be taking it out on you and the kids.

have you ever considered putting your thoughts down on paper? write him a letter. let him know how much you love him, say it often. let him know he has hurt your feelings but that you intend to stand by him come heck or high water. let him know you will do whatever is in your power to help him get past his demons. sometimes, in the heat of the moment, words are said that cannot be taken back, things are said in anger that are not meant. take some time to really communicate with him. write it down and read it 100 times before you give it to him. obviously, you are willing to work on this and you need to let him know that in no uncertain terms. i have a friend who was in much the same situation as you are in. i suggested this to her. she followed through and to this day, thanks me often. her husband saved her letter and occasionally, he has to go back and read it again. when he does, he is reminded that he is loved and cared for and many days, he comes home from work with a single red rose in hand.

i wish you the best!


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## miniwhinny (Apr 17, 2011)

wade3504 said:


> Charlene, the reason I am still here is because I love and care about him and the kids. The thing is, if you had read my second post, is that he can't make it without my money, therefore the reason I am not spending but am going to wait until he admits that he does need it. I will not let him walk all over me and tell me things like that when they are not true. We have nowhere near enough money for me to spend any of my paycheck right now on things that I want but I am tired of him saying hurtful things to me (and yes I told him it hurt me badly). I recently started working full time having to have my mother in law watch the kids, which I cannot stand as I want to be home with them after school, but I cannot be and then he throws this in my face. Any time he gets upset about things (that 99% of the time don't even involve me) he takes it out on me or gets angry at the kids. I can handle him taking it out on me alot more than him getting angry with the kids for things they didn't do. Alot of his anger problems stem from his childhood but he won't speak to the people who he needs to about how he feels (he takes it out on those who don't deserve it).
> 
> Yes, he might be feeling stressed right now because of our financial situation but no need to hurt me over it as I am just as stressed as he is. Plus he goes to counseling for his past issues and I go with him to support him and the Dr. has talked to him about how he hurts me yet he still does it.
> 
> Just last week he tried telling me he will make all the decisions as well. I won't let that fly either as last time I checked this was a marriage/partnership and not a boss/employee relationship.


OMG WOW, I'm speechless.

How, on earth could you "love" a man who is abusive (yes, ABUSIVE) to you but more importantly to your children...do you not think that this toxic environment will change their lives forever! What kind of a man takes his anger out on his wife and children...I'll tell you what kind...an ABUSIVE ONE. You're there because you want to be - if you're self esteem is low enough that you allow yourself to be treated like that - more power to you. It's YOUR choice to allow someone to treat you like that. But your children are innocent bystanders who look to you to make the correct choices for them - which obviously you're not



And stress over money is NO excuse for this behavior...a good man is a good man - there's a difference between stress and abuse.


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## Molly's Run Minis (Apr 17, 2011)

miniwhinny said:


> OMG WOW, I'm speechless.
> 
> How, on earth could you "love" a man who is abusive (yes, ABUSIVE) to you but more importantly to your children...do you not think that this toxic environment will change their lives forever! What kind of a man takes his anger out on his wife and children...I'll tell you what kind...an ABUSIVE ONE. You're there because you want to be - if you're self esteem is low enough that you allow yourself to be treated like that - more power to you. It's YOUR choice to allow someone to treat you like that. But your children are innocent bystanders who look to you to make the correct choices for them - which obviously you're not
> 
> ...



totally agree!

he sounds very controlling and abusive. he sounds kinda like my dad, whom i cut out of my life a couple years ago and havent regretted it since!

if i were you i'd leave him. it sounds like he has issues he needs to work on before he can commit to a family.


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## Tremor (Apr 18, 2011)

Are we related? Your husband sounds A LOT like my dad.....especially with the childhood that he won't mention.


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## wade3504 (Apr 18, 2011)

Ok, first off we talked yesterday and he apologized and he understands that what he said was srong.

With his counseling he is getting better but he still has these up and down moments, good and then bad, good and then bad. I believe he might be bipolar. He has a counseling appointment this Friday so we will discuss it with the doctor. When I say he takes his anger out on us, he says things to me in anger that he shouldn't and he gets short with the kids. He says nothing nasty to the kids and there is no physical abuse. In the past he kept all his emotions to himself and now he needs to learn how to deal with them now that he is opening up.

For those who told me to leave. I will not do that as he is working through his problems and even if I did leave the kids are his, not that I have considered leaving. He does make me mad sometimes though and none of you who are in a relationship can say that you have never fought or been upset with your significant other for something they have said or done.


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## Katiean (Apr 18, 2011)

My EX and I did say EX, always said he paid for everything. OK so this was 20 years ago but, I cleaned the house and if he saw little doggy foot prints in the pile of the carpet he would not believe I vacuumed. I also got $500 a month. I was allowed to buy the household groceries with MY money and was allowed to pay MY car payment. Never mind that I was only allowed enough gas in the car to go to the grocery store. My EX also said I didn't work. Well, now he knows that no one else gets up before he did to make coffee and a hot breakfast while he took a shower. also no one else would warm his clothes in the dryer so he had warm cloths after said shower. Then no one else would go out and clear the snow off of his truck and warm it up so he wasn't cold on his way to work. Then there was the vacuuming, the wood floors, the laundry just all did it' self and dinner was magically on the table when he got home from work.

This man too said HE was the only bread winner in the house. So, now since I left he doesn't even have a house (and no, I didn't take it). He has to live in his fathers basement. A real winner don't you think?


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## susanne (Apr 20, 2011)

I, too, was horrified by your description of his behavior, and would not allow it in my life, BUT...

...the fact that he recognizes that he has a problem and is getting help is HUGE. His personality type makes it very difficult to admit to, let alone seek help for, emotional issues.

Granted, it's difficult to truly understand your situation from a few paragraphs, but I would venture that you are doing the right things by understanding his issues and insisting he work on them, while at the same time refusing to be a doormat.

I would continue to be supportibe so long as he makes an honest effort to improve -- AND continue to call him on his BS!


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## HGFarm (Apr 22, 2011)

This is abusive and it doesnt have to be physical to be abuse. Also, he doesnt have to be mean TO the kids- they see and hear how he treats YOU, and believe me, that is enough!!

Perhaps a complete psych eval would be in order to see what is the problem (bi polar or some other disorder, as meds can help some) and if medication is needed, get on it.

There is NEVER any reason, that a person should be treated like this in a demeaning and belittling manner- apology not accepted. I knew someone years ago in a physically abusive relationship on top of the verbal, and he apologized all the time too- and then did it again- over and over- til she finally left years later. She also 'stayed because of the kids' and both kids are now adults and have horrible self esteem and have been through many bad relationships. He was never physical with the kids either- but they got an eyeful growing up. It is still terribly stressful on children, regardless of their age- and the examples they see are what they pattern themselves to when they are grown.

After being in a verbally abusive marriage with an alcoholic antisocial person who didnt work half the time, and hearing for years how worthless I was, I finally left, and have been enjoying life ever since. Life it too short. And when I hear things like this, all the red lights start flashing....... I could write a book but I am going to jump out of this post as it brings up things I would rather not think about or dwell on ever again.

Me? I would be socking my funds away in my OWN account... until I had enough to leave with my kids.......... He can't get half unless divorce is filed for and then it depends on what is left by that time!


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