# I can't even begin to title this



## dixie_belle (Mar 9, 2016)

I haven't posted here in a while because, as you may remember, we had to sell our farm and all our mini horses because of my husband's health. So here we are now, living two hours away from anyone we know. The house is nice, and I like the location as we are now minutes from a town, but I feel so isolated. I haven't found a church I like. Either the preacher yells at you during service, or it is just enormous and difficult to make friends. Basically, it's just the two of us.

Hubby is definitely not getting any better. We went out to dinner last week and during the meal I noticed he had his shirt on backward. What? So I guess I'll add that to my list of things to do: make sure he is dressed correctly. Then a couple of days ago I hear a big thump - he had fallen out of bed. How does that even happen? We had a carport installed and he decided to paint the support posts. Yesterday he painted one post, just one, and had to come in and take a nap because he was exhausted. It's like I'm married to my grandfather. And now he says let's go on vacation and travel. I can't think of anything I don't want to do more. I'd have to plan it. I'd have to drive to where ever we are going. He'd get tired and have to take a nap. So I'd be in the lobby of someplace, waiting for him to wake up. Well, I can do that at home, thank you very much. And save a ton of money in the process.

Six months ago I had a mammogram (I had the whole breast cancer thing two years ago), and the doctor said there were more microcalcifications present and I should have another mammogram in six months (which would basically be now). I've decided, for better or worse, not to have that follow up. What I've decided is that I want no life prolonging procedures of any kind. If the cancer is back, so be it. If it isn't, then it isn't.

I'm unhappy and severely depressed . I know this isn't hubby's fault. It's nobody's fault. But it sucks. And it's never going to get any better. I can see down the road and it isn't pretty.

Well, I just needed to vent.


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## Sonya (Mar 9, 2016)

I'm very sorry things haven't gotten better for you. I will be praying for you.

Please don't put off that mammogram. Please go.


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## Mona (Mar 9, 2016)

I am so very sorry for the way things have been going there for you. I don't have a whole lot to say about everything, other than you are right, this is not your husband's fault, nor anyone's. Maybe he can see the load is becoming heavier and heavier for you, and sees he is becoming less independent. Maybe he wants to try to ease the load by offering a vacation, and getting something done for himself in that way also, realizing maybe it won't be long before there is ZERO chance he can physically do it. I can imagine how heavy the load must feel to you, and that coupled with the worries of breast cancer again. I hope and pray for good health for both you and your husband.




And PLEASE, PLEASE be sure to get YOUR health taken care of first and foremost! Get the mammogram.

My main reason for wanting to write, is to STRONGLY encourage you to seek some counselling services. Apparently the church is not going to be the answer this time, and you cannot let yourself get further into a depression. PLEASE seek some help. A counseller may be what you need to be able to not only discuss things with, like you are here, but also to get PROFESSIONAL advice in return. Please try to go at least weekly, if not twice a week to start. Depression is a horrible beast, and no one should have to go through it alone. We are all here for you, but please seek expert advice as well. (((HUGS))) My heart is breaking for you.


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## Ryan Johnson (Mar 9, 2016)

I hope you are feeling better within yourself soon Dixie_belle.

I also strongly suggest going to see someone to talk too. They will be able to give you some good tools to help you deal with lifes hurdles. Mona couldn't have said it any better, "depression Is a horrible beast" Ive been through it, like alot of us probably have at times.

I was so hesitant at going to talk to someone when I really needed it. But im so happy that I did. It got me through a part of life that I just thought would be impossible to get through during one stage of my life.

I hope you make that appointment soon to get the mammogram.

One thing I want you to remember is that " You are never alone"

We may be scattered all over the world but we are all thinking of you and sending best wishes


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## amysue (Mar 9, 2016)

I am so very sorry that you are feeling this way. You are not alone and it is perfectly alright to feel the way that you do, it does not make you a bad person or a bad spouse. You do need to take care of yourself however, I'm not just referring to the mammogram, but in general your self-care and emotional health is important not just for you but for your husband as well as it sounds like he really needs you. It is okay to take some space if you need it. If he cannot be left alone, perhaps you reach out for help to someone with keeping him occupied or company so you can take some personal time to think or process or maybe pamper yourself a bit. It is not anyone's fault that you feel down, it happens from time to time but I do recommend that you try to find someone to help you process your feelings and maybe you can find something that gives you hope and something to look forward to that creates meaning and purpose in your life. It sounds like you feel that you gave up alot with this move, so maybe you need a replacement strategy to fill the void? Instead of focusing on what you gave up, try to think of things that you have gained or accomplished. It sounds like hubby is trying to find things to do together, he probably feels responsible for some of your stress and that may put pressure on you. Maybe try to plan a short day trip or outing that isn't too far away or intense that you both might enjoy. Start small and try it out. Instead of going into it thinking about how bad it will be, try to think positive (I know nobody ever wants to hear that). Who knows, maybe the two of you will find something you really enjoy doing or will get a chance to spend quality time together. I know that you feel isolated, and that is a terrible feeling, but maybe once you find someone you trust to talk things out with, you will be in a better place emotionally and more open to looking for new friends. It may take a while but please do not get too discouraged. We are all here for you. For what it's worth... Hang in there.


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## Marsha Cassada (Mar 9, 2016)

Poor Dixie Belle. I feel so sorry for both of you.

How is your new birdie doing?


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## lucky seven (Mar 9, 2016)

I'm sending hugs and prayers that you get that mammogram, also while at your doctors ask about professional help. While I was taking chemo, I learned that the hospital offered that service for cancer victims. Please look into it!!! Your hubby needs you and you need him. Could you both go to a park and have a picnic? Only a few hours but lounging under a tree with a nice lunch would be relaxing. Also check into your local Social Services to see if they provide any help for your needs. You need a few hours to just window shop or visit a library. Is there a local quilting guild? Also try your local library, they may know of services that could help you. Please know that we are here for you. Much love.


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## Debby - LB (Mar 13, 2016)

My heart breaks for you. You have been dealt such a bad hand Shelley...but you have tried to be strong for way too long. Please take care of yourself. It does suck, it's not going to get better, the future isn't pretty... but by God it's your future. You have rolled with the punches too long now to give up. I will put you foremost in my prayers. Just remember all the people here who love you and look up to you.

Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.


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## Rocklone Miniature Horses (Mar 13, 2016)

It really breaks my heart to read this





You are most definitely in a rut. I know you probably feel like you want to give up but i don't think you should. Do please go for the mamogram. Then get yourself involved in some of the local things...even if it is going for a walk in a park bird watching or something. Get a hobby again - cause i'm sure you are missing your horses like mad. Your life is worth it x


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## Ashley (Mar 14, 2016)

I agree get to a counselor. Never be to proud or ashamed to do so. They can help and you should/need to feel the way you do.


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## AngC (Mar 16, 2016)

I understand the cancer thingie... I used to smoke, have had breast lump, oh---and pretty much every relative has died of cancer, and I've racked up a good half dozen years on them all.

That bizarre husband behavior you mention... sounds like my husband on a good day. He does really stupid things and dresses himself funny. But if he didn't come home one night, I'd put a bullet in my head. ... because I couldn't live without him. I don't guess that helps you much, except I guess I was trying to mention that perhaps being with him may be frustrating, but being without him could be worse?

My thoughts/prayers are with you.


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## vickie gee (Mar 16, 2016)

Please keep current on your mammograms and check ups. Your health is important for your happiness and also for you to be able to care for your husband in his sickness. Is it Parkinson's that he has? I tried to find out using the search tool but it was no help. Is there a local support group for family members and if not would you consider joining an online group? My wish for you is that you become good friends with one of the local ladies. True friends are rare gems and if we have a couple in life we are fortunate. Having one who you are comfortable with being your real self on any given day in any given mood and who will take your secrets to her grave who will laugh with you cry with you talk when needed and sometimes just say nothing at the perfect moment is what I pray comes your way. I am blessed to have a couple of them. One lost her husband who was her soul mate and father to their 6 children last month. It was sudden and on the day following their anniversary. She lives about four hours from me so right now I mail her a greeting card once a week and we text and talk on the phone albeit briefly while she is going through the adjustment. She cannot stand the word grief. Her husband was a good friend of my husband as well. Weather permitting she will be coming down to visit me this weekend and if not I have us an outing planned in June to meet halfway for a fun event. What you need is a good friend. Try being a friend to people you meet. The majority will of course not be "that person". It would be such a blessing for you if you did have someone though.

Forgiveness is also a friend whether we need to extend it, receive it, or both. When I get still and quiet sometimes situations occur to me that apply that I was not even aware of. Quiet time is good and hopefully you are allowing yourself some each day. I admire the strength you have shown thus far in the undertaking of selling your home and re-locating. It wears me out to think about it. Remain strong.


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## sundancer (Mar 16, 2016)

Prayers and hugs to you! I agree with what everyone is saying...get your mammogram and see a counselor !!! Your health is important both physically and mentally.

What town did you end up in?? There are mini people everywhere who would love you to visit I am sure!!! I am sure some of us here can put you in touch with some of them!!! Have you looked in your town"s recreation department or the Town Office? They have activities etc all the time. They have crafts, exercise and some towns even have tea and conversations!!!

I wish you lived closer, I could keep you and hubby occupied! My husband had a heart attack where as they brought him back three times! Our life style has changed, so I can relate to what you are kinda going thru.

Hugs,

Julie

Victory Pass Stable

Maine


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## lucky seven (Mar 18, 2016)

I'm sure there must be a senior citizens group somewhere that they both can join. It doesn't matter that he dresses different he won't be the only one. I 'm a cancer survivor and my hubby has had back, shoulder, lung, prostrate and gall bladder surgeries. Now when he gets down he talks about suicide after our older horse is put down and his sick dog needs to be put to sleep. He has no interests and his friends have all died. All his talk gets me down to the point I just want to get in my car and drive till I run out of gass, but life goes on. Help is out there, we just need to look for it.


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## Marsha Cassada (Mar 21, 2016)

lucky seven said:


> I'm sure there must be a senior citizens group somewhere that they both can join. It doesn't matter that he dresses different he won't be the only one. I 'm a cancer survivor and my hubby has had back, shoulder, lung, prostrate and gall bladder surgeries. Now when he gets down he talks about suicide after our older horse is put down and his sick dog needs to be put to sleep. He has no interests and his friends have all died. All his talk gets me down to the point I just want to get in my car and drive till I run out of gass, but life goes on. Help is out there, we just need to look for it.


Oh, my dear! I had no idea you were going through so much. These kinds of discussions bring out a lot of compassion in everyone.

I used to feel "the need for speed" at one time in our life. Many times I sought a bare stretch of highway and would drive over 100 mph. I realize now I was trying to escape. But, things are better now so I'm content with the speed limit.


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## Rocklone Miniature Horses (Mar 21, 2016)

How are you doing now dixie belle?


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## Bess Kelly (Mar 23, 2016)

Take care of your health!!! Get the mammo, find a support group - somewhere - life goes on and you will need to be able to also.

How do I know? Because 17 1/2 yrs ago I lost my best friend, soul mate and husband to cancer. One day the doctor checked him for back pain -- we thought he had injured it during a huge hay loading to loft the week before -- but, it was colon cancer and he had to have emergency surgery the following week to prevent colon rupture. It had already spread to his liver and there was no cure. We were told 2-3 months! We aggressively worked at this and he did live another 13 months. He was tired, we were limited from our previous active life. I had to quit my job and wanted to be there with and for him. Toward the end he needed help with many things for daily care and functioning, I took care of those things.

The decision was made to sell the farm (he said it was too big for me to deal with--50 acres, he was right) , sell a herd of mini horses, mini donks, and Boer goats. Many pieces of equipment and all that goes with it. I knew I would again have a small farm. I retained and boarded some minis from our herd. Looked for land and bought it before he passed.

Shortly after I had to build as I needed a place to live within 6 months. A little 17' travel trailer became my home for 10 mos while I built my house, as the gen contractor and doing much hands on work, like insulation, tile, laminate floors, trim out, painting, etc. I was thrilled to finally get plumbing so I could stop using the port-o-let, get electric to have an A/C unit as none in trailer& it was a hot June.. The dog and I slept on a pallet with sub-floors and insulation on stud wall and were happy to just be cool at night.

Currently I have a 2500 SQ Ft home, 14 acres, 8 adult milk goats (&11 new kids!), 30 chickens (I sell eggs to pay for feed), 4 pigs (1 going to freezer next month), way to many old minis, and just bought a new tractor with front end loader & backhoe (at 70 you need some muscle help! My tractor is great!). It has been a struggle, especially at first because I missed him dearly and still do but, LIFE DOES go on!! _ But I am so glad I just held on to my dreams of re-establishing my life and things I loved. _

I live a fairly solitary and frugal life but, I am happy now. I work PT, love my farm and while it seems a little more than I want at times, it is what I want to do. I milk goats, make cheese, soap, yogurt, have fresh eggs, raise a little garden, in general -- love life.

Spent 5 yrs taking care of mom & her Altzhimer, until she had to go into "assisted nursing" last Spring. I am now recovering from that experience. My goal is to live with fresh, organic foods, stay very active and engage with others to some extent -- PT work, farm forums, customers, farmers markets, etc.

LIFE DOES GO ON --- please hold that thought always. May be tough for a while but things do work out. I send you hugs and wish you were close as I can sure listen!! I pray you can find Peace within to help you get through this challenge.


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## paintponylvr (Mar 24, 2016)

Bess - do you share your farm? I will be sending you a PM a bit later... Have to run right now.

We haven't heard from our OP lately - I'm beginning to get a bit worried?!!


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## amysue (Mar 24, 2016)

Paula, I was thinking the same thing. Hope Dixie_belle is okay.


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## lucky seven (Mar 24, 2016)

Sent her a private message and didn't hear back, hope she is well.


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## dixie_belle (Mar 25, 2016)

Sorry ladies, I haven't responded. Not like I don't have the time, obviously. I've got lots and lots of time.

Here's where we stand. Hubby now has to have some sort of eye surgery in Louisville, KY. We go to see a specialist eye surgeon next month. I suspect they'll do one at a time so he can still see to get around. So we have that to look forward to. After that, they want to do cataract surgery at some point. Geez, it's just never ending.

He wants his Parkinson's doctor to up his medication as he is having trouble moving around. (Takes him quite a while to get up off the sofa or out of the car.) And his endurance is extremely limited. His "big" project is painting the 4 x 4 posts for the carport. He paints one post and is exhausted. I could easily finish it in one day but he's gotta have something to do. Most days he doesn't get dressed, just sits on the sofa in his PJ's and does suduko puzzles. And we go days without him actually speaking to me. I say something to him..........no response. I ask him a question: What do you want for dinner? his response: I don't know. How do you feel? I don't know. So I give up. I'm here for him if he wants to talk to me but I'm not going to initiate conversation. It's like talking to the wall.

Have I made any doctor appointments for me? No. I've seen nothing in my circumstances that would make me want to have any sort of treatments for anything.

But, I have been quilting up a storm. I do my little sewing thing, grocery shop, take care of the house, plan for putting in new shrubs around the house, all those things that make me happy. I sit and watch my little wild birds come to my feeders. I'm trying to see joy in my circumstances.

I recently bought a butt load (ok, that's not a real amount....so let's just say it was four giant plastic bags of fabric) and a nice used sewing machine (because you can never have enough sewing machines) for a really good price. I've mailed like 20 packages of fabric all over the place to ladies on my quilting webcite just for the postage. No sense me keeping all that fabric if I'm not going to use it all. And I've invited my cousin, her daughter, and 5-6 friends to come here and spend a day having lunch and making flannel pillowcases. I thought they might enjoy that. I've got stacks and stacks of flannel and they might have fun picking out their fabric and sewing it into a pillowcase. So I'm looking forward to that. I'm hoping they might earn a girl scout badge for sewing? We'll bar-b-q burgers for everyone with chips and baked beans and maybe I'll make my famous banana pudding. Hubby will probably sit on the sofa and not say a word, but that's just the way it is.

So that's what is going on here. Nothing changes. But I am desperately trying to get my feet back under me, find things that make me happy.


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## Bess Kelly (Mar 25, 2016)

You are doing GREAT with making plans to do anything that can bring you comfort and happiness. Your hubby has an illness, others understand. In his "place" mentally & physically, just try to accept "it is what it is". Talk to him with comments that need no reply....."it's lovely out today, I'll be on the porch". Try to compartmentalize some of the things that can seem bothersome to you (such as no replies to questions) because the DH may actually not be able to process things mentally. If you see he is fed, not in pain, etc., then it is a "status quo" situation that just can't be changed, only accepted. My mom's altzhimer taught me that she just could not "process" the simplest of things in her mind anymore -- like not being able to put letters together to write a word. I know, I know, it is soooo hard to watch. On line, I researched her disease and finally realized I was NOT at fault and could not change it. Toward the end of her stay, it was obvious someone else was in her body.....not my mom. I had to deal with that & accept it.

I applaud your making your home & resources a place to have others come to you for their pleasure and your participation & comfort. That is what you will find you will need to do in various stages of this illness. I have found that trying to think of these things as stages in our life -- i.e. you have children, have a time as toddler, progress to school, progress to leaving home, etc -- you can be more objective of the situation. If you can have a mindset that allows you to know this will play out in degrees, you may be able to find some calm. You will grieve, have depression, get yourself medical assistance. Not a shame thing to do. It is OK.

Life does go on. You will be a part of it. Look at all the ways you dealt with the farm sales, move, losses you hated -- you are here with us. The same type of mental lists and timelines will get you through this. I just KNOW it !!

Have an awesome time with the pillow making -- you DESERVE it !!! Make more plans while they are there. We are all here for you, remember to share with us. WE CARE. We listen without any blame, only understanding & wanting to help.


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## lucky seven (Mar 25, 2016)

One step at a time and lean on us, we are here to help. The majority of us have pain in our lives so concider us to be your "sisters".


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## amysue (Mar 25, 2016)

Glad to hear you are making the best of things. Sometimes that is all that we can do. Maybe socializing with your cousin and the girls will improve your spirits, it is always nice to have something to look forward too. Maybe mention hubby's behavior to the doctor, he may very well be struggling with depression, and coupled with his physical ailments that could be the reason for his mood/state. I know it is so hard to not take it personally, but keep trying to think positive so you can stay in positive space.


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