# Relationships stink........



## alongman (Mar 27, 2008)

A few months ago, I met this great guy - he enjoyed the horses, doing things together, etc... I was on cloud 9. Over the past 6 months we have had primarily great times, with an occassional bump in the road. Yesterday, I found out that he was cheating on me - not necessarily "going all the way", but darn close. Also, carrying on text/email conversations that were more explicit than anything I would consider "chatting". I confronted him about it - he got upset as he felt I had crossed the border and was invading his personal space. Subsequently, he ended up breaking up with me last night - I was the bad person for questioning and not trusting him. I'm so upset and feel horrible. Any advice? Did I do the right thing by questioning him? What is the line - when does "dirty talk" and "hanging out" constitute cheating? I'm so lost.


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## Miniv (Mar 27, 2008)

Oh Lord........That hurts. And to be honest, he used your "questioning" as an excuse to break up, IMO. You two were a team, right? You had every right to ask. No. He didn't physically cheat but he was emotionally cheating, which is almost worse. If he was being true to you, then he wouldn't have felt you were "crossing the line". (I speak from experience, not theory.)

Whatever you do.....do NOT take on the guilt. YOU were not wrong. Got that???


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## Jesper (Mar 27, 2008)

alongman, I am far from an oracle on relationships, but in my world a friendship crosses the line into a relationship when you go from a single kiss on the chin to one on the mouth, chatting is just that, chatting. It's fantasies and people can have all the fantasies they want, as long as they stay on the mat with real life actions.

his reaction of breaking up with you when you questioned him about his "odd" behaviour and it clearly shows the flour in his bag wasn't all that white, if you know what I mean.

it hurts like heck, but it will pass and you will be happy again.


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## alongman (Mar 27, 2008)

Thanks Miniv - I hear what you're saying with my ears (okay eyes), but my heart still isn't listening. I'm not the typical gay guy - I want a family, house with a fence and someone to share everything with. All with being completely and utterly monogamous. Unfortunately, there are still people in the community that feel that since we can't get married (that darn piece of paper) that the relationship isn't "formal" and therefore the opportunity to screw around is okay.

I want a good one darnit! Thanks for listening.


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## Elsa (Mar 27, 2008)

My ex boyfriend did something similar to me. He was still talking to his ex girlfriend behind my back and made an effort to hide it from me. Come to find out, she had spent the night at his house one time while we were together, but "nothing happened" so that made it ok. The texts they were exchanging said they wanted to cuddle with eachother and things of that nature. Kind of makes you wonder what they did that night...


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## alongman (Mar 27, 2008)

There are days I LOVE technology, but it seems that it's made this VERY gray area in the relationship area. What exactly is crossing the line - is emotional or verbal cheating any less hurtful? I don't think so, but what does everyone else think?


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## LindaL (Mar 27, 2008)

I agree with MA on this...believe it or not (and you know what I am talking about Adam). I also agree that he used your questioning him as a way to make his "out" with you...Trudi did the same thing to me. He made you the "bad guy", which you are not. I know your heart hurts, because I know how much you cared about him and it will take some time. But, know in your heart that you are the one who DESERVES to have everything you want in a relationship and it is not too much to ask to have it someday with the right person...and Brian wasnt it.

((((((((Adam))))))))


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## Elsa (Mar 27, 2008)

i think cheating is cheating, whether its emotional, physical or whatever..


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## Miniv (Mar 27, 2008)

alongman said:


> Thanks Miniv - I hear what you're saying with my ears (okay eyes), but my heart still isn't listening. I'm not the typical gay guy - I want a family, house with a fence and someone to share everything with. All with being completely and utterly monogamous. Unfortunately, there are still people in the community that feel that since we can't get married (that darn piece of paper) that the relationship isn't "formal" and therefore the opportunity to screw around is okay.
> 
> I want a good one darnit! Thanks for listening.


Adam, it IS possible. I wrote with my experience as a long time married person. We worked it out because we were long-timed marrieds. You two were newbies in a relationship. Obviously what you wanted and what he wanted were different. I wish I could say that more gently. But what YOU want is possible with the right person - straight or gay - everyone has to find the one who "clicks", who is more than a physical romantic partner, but also a friend. I could go on and on about a very dear friend of mine from childhood who was able to find just the person and relationship you are wanting and he got his wish! They were great! And they were together for over 20 years! Yes, it is possible.


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## MinisOutWest (Mar 27, 2008)

This explains it all-

'Surviving Infidelity'- Making Decisions, Surviving the Pain.

by Rona Subotnik and Gloria Harris.

-Understand the different kinds of affairs and why they happen, including *Internet and Emotional * affairs.

-Cope with your emotions, from grief to rage.

-Learn what it takes to be a survivor.

I hate reading, but this explained a lot in a nonjudgmental way.


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## alongman (Mar 27, 2008)

Thanks for the recommendation! I need something to help explain this. Maybe we'll have to start a Lil Beginnings library.......I'll buy the first book of coping.


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## Marty (Mar 27, 2008)

Hey Adam, take it from an old lady that's been around the block more times than I care to remember. In this world you can trust one person and that person is Y O U. The dude stuck it to you and since trust is a major part of a relationship, I'd be kicking him to the curb right quickly and not let him twist a dadgum thing around no way no how. He's a Casanova. He's out. Done. Finished and Kaput.

Now seems to me, you really are on the prowl for that perfect love and picket fence and all that. Good soild choice I think. So if I were in your shoes, I think at this stage of the game, I'd be surfing on over to that E Harmony thingy and take my chances and give it a whirl.


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## Jill (Mar 27, 2008)

Adam, you did the right thing! And the alternative was to say nothing and just boil over inside with worry. It doesn't sound like he was nearly good enough for you!!! You shouldn't even think of settling for someone who won't do by you as you do by him.


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## Laura (Mar 27, 2008)

[SIZE=12pt]Adam,[/SIZE]

I'm so sorry honey! That just sucks. I am of the opinion that dirty talk (or text), snuggling up or WHATEVER *is* cheating. It's a betrayal of trust, no matter how the person tries to say it's harmless. It may be harmless to *him*, but it's devestating to you






By the way, I don't think there's a "typical" anything in this world.



If you want a family with a trusted, loving, mongomous partner/lifemate/husband, then stick to your guns. Your man is out there, looking for you. I thought I would never find mine. It took me 35 years, but I found him and he is SO, SO, SO worth the wait, pain and struggle to find him.





My Sister and her AMAZING partner Dianne have been together 15 years. I was blessed with an amazing sister at birth, now I have the TWO most wonderful sisters imaginable!!


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## maplegum (Mar 27, 2008)

Cheating... I'd consider it cheating. Simple as that.

So sorry you are going through this. I hope your heart heals quickly.


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## Ashley (Mar 27, 2008)

I do think you did the right thing. You are also a great guy, heck if I was a gay guy you would be perfect, out going, nice dresser, very friendly and a pain in the butt





Anyway, you can do better then that and deserve better. HUm..........I have a guy in mind for you...........

WHatever you do, dont get married its even tougher!


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## alongman (Mar 27, 2008)

Thanks guys! I do appreciate all the support. Other than one other person, you are the only people that I wanted to talk to.

Ashley - you seem to have done all right for yourself, so I'm willing to let you play matchmaker for me in the near future. I need a couple days to recover though. Plus, if I went on a double date I would get to see YOU too.


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## Ashley (Mar 27, 2008)

Ya, good luck on the double date. Once you get married and throw a kid in the mix that doesnt happen anymore. Im lucky to get one on one time.


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## MyBarakah (Mar 27, 2008)

Hi!

GO WITH YOU GUT INSTINCT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was married for 8 years...... and I know that senario WAY too well...... My X would get all crabby and upset if I DARE question him about his drinking.....

From what I learned over the years....... not just with the drinking...... if someone gets ALL upset over something that "shouldn't" be that big of a deal...... and they do get upset over it.......

That right there tells me that they are trying to cover something up!!! And try to start a fight to drop that conversation!

Just GO with you GUTT instinct!!!!!


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## bluetaterbaby (Mar 28, 2008)

I'm so sorry, Adam. You're such a wonderful person and certainly don't deserve to be treated in such a way. We all care and want you to be able to smile again and really mean it. You have so many friends on here that genuinely care about you. They have offered some great advice. You deserve a lot better. There is a wonderul person out there who is searching for someone like you. Gee, you're a rare treasure. You're smart, handsome, caring, love animals, fun to be around, loyal, save lives, and OUR HERO!



We all wish you the best and we're just a click away.

God bless,

Joan


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## nootka (Mar 28, 2008)

Not so much to add to this, you've already gotten some great advice and insight.

I did want to say, though, that it seems you knew the answer to this one, you are doing the right thing (the right thing seems to be the hardest one to do at the time, but will let you look back the most easily when you arrive at the right place!!!).

You will barely remember the pain, I imagine, by the time you find that "right" one.

I hope it's sooner rather than later.

Sorry in the meantime, for the way it all came about. Love stinks, this is true.

((hugs))

Liz


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## FairytailGlennMinis (Mar 28, 2008)

It doesn't have to be physical to be cheating. It is about trust and respect--and this guy obviously wasn't honest or respectable and wasn't giving that to you either. That just isn't where you need to spend your time and energy. I agree with Laura--there is no "typical"...only human decency. In this day and age when everything is about ME and NOW we are seeing more and more of this...and we are losing so much in the process. Hang in there, Adam...the right one is out there!


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## MiniforFaith (Mar 28, 2008)

Adam, you have gotten a lot of good advice. I know I am no expert, but you did the right thing. I feel the same as you, that is cheating..If you love someone, you don't go around "chatting" with others like that. You did what was best for you!!! You do not deserve being in a situation like that.. Like if I remember right, Laura said, love is worth waiting for when you find the right person.. And you will..







I have never met you, but I can tell what kind a person you are..One of a kind that is hard to find, in this day and age.. You will find your soul mate and have the life you deserve.. It just takes some of us longer..


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## ROSEMILL FARM (Mar 28, 2008)

Hi Adam,

This is Sarah Orangias, I don't know if you remember me but we have talked, showed and I have shown under you,

I had a bad experiance with a horse guy also, but I got married to him, not the right thing to do!!! I thought I had the perfect Man, he was good to me, he loved the horses (I thought) we meet at Nationals, he was good looking!!! everything I wanted I moved to Oklahoma and we got Married, now we are coming up on our 1 year and he is gone



, at first when he said that he was leaving I was crushed, but now I just think he was not the person I thought I knew, I just think God has a plan for all of us, he might put us through hard times but, I know that I/we will be better off.

Back to you, I see what he is saying about you should have just trusted him, but there was something telling you that you needed to check, I think it is better that this has happend now, and not years later.

You will find the right one, someone that puts you first and no one else, I think that we both need to look for someone that puts us first. Its real hard but the things that have helped me most are my Family, Friends, and my horses I have just put everything I have into the horses they help a lot, they don't care if you cry, or talk to them and they are always there.

I am sorry you are going through this and I know looking at it right now you think it is the worst thing that could happen but it will get better I know it will.





Sarah Orangias

Rosemill Training Center

www.rosemilltrainingcenter.com


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## Laura (Mar 28, 2008)

Ashley said:


> Ya, good luck on the double date. Once you get married and throw a kid in the mix that doesnt happen anymore. Im lucky to get one on one time.


[SIZE=12pt]Nah, we just take the kids out with us



Mia would be THRILLED to go stay with Aunt Dana and her crew for an evening, but Zac is still too little and I'M still too attached to leave him with anyone but Steve. Yes, we want to go on an grownup outing of some kind eventually, but we have "our time" after the kiddos are in bed at night and we're happier *with* the kids. We both would worry too much about leaving both of them somewhere, even with people we trust completely...although if I could have gotten those BB King tickets for a matinee show (which he didn't have), we mght have tried leaving them with Dana & the crew for an afternoon~LOL[/SIZE]


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## zoey829 (Mar 28, 2008)

If you had to question him then thier are troubles!!! If you felt funny thier was a reason and if he doesnt feel that your business, then bye bye baby


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## alongman (Mar 28, 2008)

Today was a little easier - I have chatted with some really great people (mostly from here). Things were going well until he decided to call to say "he cared" about me. I couldn't answer the phone and had someone else listen to the message. Does he think he screwed up? Was it wrong to avoid him?


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## susanne (Mar 28, 2008)

Adam,

Although I only know you from this forum, I hurt for you.

To me, what's almost worse than the cheating (and, yes, that was cheating) is that he tried to turn things around to make you the guilty party. This is a personality deficit that cannot be chalked up to a single incident or mistake. This is a total lack of integrity.

Stay strong and believe in yourself. You deserve that perfect mate, and he is out there.


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## nootka (Mar 28, 2008)

I don't think it was wrong for you to avoid him. You have to do what you're comfortable with, but at some point, it's probably a good idea to communicate just to put things to rest, so to speak.

You need to lay your point of view out there, your feelings, and then that's that. Just so YOU feel comfortable with where things are, why they happened, etc.

Good luck...

Liz


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## Miniv (Mar 28, 2008)

You were not wrong to avoid him........... You know what is right and what is wrong in a relationship. He knows how to pull the right strings, it sounds like. Stick to your beliefs. They will win in the end.


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## ClickMini (Mar 28, 2008)

Adam, I wished you lived here in Washington, because I have a very dear gay friend who feels the same as you and has only found that kind of relationship once! And very, very sadly, his partner died last year. One of my very best friends for years and years. It is so hard to find that good match, and it seems to be even harder when the pool you are looking in is monogamous gay. But it definitely can be found, I watched my friends develop a very deep and strong relationship.


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## Leeana (Mar 28, 2008)

Im sorry adam, time heals all wounds



. I am NO ONE to give relationship advice, but im glad its getting easier for you. Day by day



.

*YOU* did not do anything wrong


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## Frankie (Mar 29, 2008)

I am so sorry and I hope each day things get easier for you. Life's tough, relationships tougher.

Oh, check your email.


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## Jill (Mar 29, 2008)

Adam --

I think you did right not to answer the phone when he called. You need to protect yourself right now and your emotions would / could have gotten the best of you.

It's not a question of if he cared for you. I really think he did and does but not enough. I would bet he's not at the stage in his life (and some never get there) were he cares enough about anyone else to be loyal. Even if he loved/s you as much as he can, it's not as much as the right person will!

Jill


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## StarRidgeAcres (Mar 29, 2008)

Adam,

First of all I want to say how sorry I am you are going through this. You are such an awesome guy; you just plain don't deserve this kind of crap!





Now, having said that, I have a bit of a different take on this than most so far. I'm not at all saying I'm right and the rest are wrong, I'm just saying there may be a reason to pause.

What I'm thinking is that yes, he screwed up. But...haven't we all made mistakes? There's a chance he was getting scared of how close you two were getting and that made him do something he shouldn't have. I'm not excusing it, just saying that if he's worth it (and I don't know either way) maybe after you've both had time to process this, you can talk it out. Maybe he really does regret it. Or maybe not and he's just a jerk! OH!

Seriously, all I'm saying is that one mistake doesn't necessarily make the person worthless.


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## alongman (Mar 29, 2008)

Parmela -

I definitely agree with you, but, within the past two days have found out it wasn't only once - it was an ongoing thing. I had the same hopes, but just can't stand to think about it.

In the meantime, there have been all sorts of great people coming forward that were always in the background before - close friends who are lending a shoulder, friends who there has always been that potential with but never able to pursue...... who knows. I just need time right now to gather my thoughts.


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## JourneysEnd (Mar 29, 2008)

alongman said:


> There are days I LOVE technology, but it seems that it's made this VERY gray area in the relationship area. What exactly is crossing the line - is emotional or verbal cheating any less hurtful? I don't think so, but what does everyone else think?


I think emotional cheating is more hurtful than physical. Physical is governed by hormones, emotional happens in the mind. He would have crossed the line physically in time, you just caught him first.

Life's too short to put up with someone you can't trust.


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## Relic (Mar 29, 2008)

Relationships do stink and sometimes life is easier when you find out things you can't live with early on rather then later not to worry THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE will show up when you least expect it and no one really knows when that is till it happens..and he'll also want that picket fence just as bad.


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## whitney (Apr 1, 2008)

Nope your not lost..........your FOUND, found out he wasn't your soul mate. Keep looking and NEVER settle!


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## Riverdance (Apr 1, 2008)

Adam,

I am so sorry and I really feel for you. But relationships can suck no matter what they are. I was married twice, the first husband was a wolf from day one and was cheating all of the time. I got fed up and left. The second one, he seemed to be everything I was looking for, --- until we were married. Then his true colors came out. Where before it was alright for me to go away on a weekend to a dog show, was no longer "allowed" once I was married. I went anyway. After 10 years with him, I left, then found out that he had been cheating on me for years.





You did the right thing. If you were just dating him and he was doing that, then you can imagine what it would be like if you too hooked up for life. As with most people who are wrong, they turn it around to make you look like you were in the wrong and not them. HE WAS DEAD WRONG!!! AND EVEN THOUGH IT HURTS, YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM!!.. Why waste time with someone who does not want what you want? Take your time, you will find him!!

By the way, I know a really nice guy who is a Morgan horse trainer. He lives in Prior Lake.


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## AceyHorse (Apr 2, 2008)

Boy that sucks! But he did you the biggest favour by breaking up with you. He was absolutely cheating by behaving like that, and you don't need to be treated like that! And then to turn it around and make you feel bad. You did nothing wrong, he did, simple as that. Mr Right IS out there and when you find him BOY you'll be pleased you didn't waste anymore time on that butthead.


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## HGFarm (Apr 2, 2008)

Adam,

You were RIGHT to question, and obviously the answer speaks for itself. It's better you found out now than later! Yes, it hurts, but things happen for a reason and what seems like a disaster or tragedy today, may be a blessing in disguise!!

Keep your chin up and dont EVER settle for second best or less than you deserve or want, and dont EVER let anyone make you feel guilty, when the guilt clearly lays somewhere else!! Never allow someone else to treat you like a rug or with less than respect.

Love is grand, and a relationship can be too, but only if it 'fits' and is the right thing. You will find someone eventually- just be happy in life and keep your expectations up.. it will happen!

P.S. Just edited to note that if he was going to that extent already, who knows what else was going on, or what was fixing to? And that was just one you happened to catch!


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## alongman (Apr 2, 2008)

So how long is the right amount of time to wait to start looking at relationships again? I have gotten asked out a couple times but just don't know that it's quite right yet. What is the right way to know?


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## AceyHorse (Apr 2, 2008)

I don't think there is a "right" time. You'll know when it feels right. I just would say make sure you've got all your feelings sorted before you move onto anything else "serious", its just not fair on the next person if you are still dealing with 'baggage' from your last relationship. You know that saying "Love like you've never been Hurt" As tough as that is, I think its the only way to enter a new relationship. In saying that, in the meantime there is nothing wrong with some fun dating to make you feel good and help you move on with things. (more fun than moping around at home anyway!)





Stay strong and don't settle for anything less than the best, you are doing great!


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## RobinRTrueJoy (Apr 3, 2008)

Adam,

MiniV is right.

You did NOTHING wrong.

You should be able to expect faithfulness in a relationship. Texting,hanging out, cybering leads to more and in itself , is an unfaithful behavior.

He was turning things around and trying to make you look like the bad guy. Its not YOU that is to blame, it is HIM.

DEMAND better for yourself. There is someone out there that these things mean the same to them. Someone who wants and demands faithfulness in a partner, and you will find that person. Don't try to hang on to a relationship that does not feel right. It will end up making you sick, mind ,body and soul. Having to worry about faithfullness in a relationship becomes a full time job, the worry never ever leaves you for even a moment.

I hope that, soon, you find someone that is deserving of YOU.

Hugs for you,

Robin


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## HGFarm (Apr 3, 2008)

Adam,

I think your heart will let you know when it's time. Don't be in a rush!! Enjoy life, your horses, etc... Trying too hard may bring you the wrong relationship again just to 'fill the void'?! If you are content with life and yourself, it will happen... believe it or not, it is not an 'urgent' matter that you have to find someone right away! And sometimes things find YOU when you least expect it or aren't even trying! Being in a hurry also may have you not seeing some of the quirks or personality traits of others that you would normally observe that you may not like....


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