# Stepdad's Invasion of Privacy



## Jess P (Dec 27, 2005)

I have been getting very annoyed lately. I know that my stepdad has been going into my room and looking around. I was out at the barn one time and when I was walking back to the house I saw my stepdad in my room looking at my computer screen with an Instant message box up talking about my horses. I talked to him about it and he said he wasn't in my room.

Now for the past few weeks I know he has been in my room when I am not here because there is stuff moved around, closet doors open (When they shouldn't be because my room gets very cold). When I came home today I found my mare's sleazy hood ontop of my bed when I hung it over the shower to dry earlier. I have told him I do not like him going into my room because it is an invasion of my privacy and I do not feel comfortable with him looking at my stuff (I am a girl, you know). He still does it. Another time I was in bed sick and he didn't know I stayed home from school and he burst into my room and then saw me in bed.

Any suggestions?

Editted for spelling


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## minihaven (Dec 27, 2005)

This is a very touchy subject .........but here is my 2 cents worth.

I do not feel your step-dad , being male ,should be prowling around your room but I also feel that a parent preferably your mother should have access to what is going on with you!

The thing that a lot of "young folks" do not understand is that a parent worries night and day about their children. Sometimes it seems like an invasion of privacy when it is just concern for your well-being.

I would suggest discussing this with your mother first and then come to some sort of agreement. Keeping an open mind and lines of communication are the keys for this to work out. Let her know how you feel about a man in your room . Maybe then she will discuss it with your step -dad. You should then if possible have a peaceful, adult conversation that includes all 3 of you.

I do not know your age so there are a lot of options depending on that as well.

I am all for people having their own space but have always told my children that when they lived in my home ..........it was still my home! I also have rights to monitor what ever goes on in it.


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## rabbitsfizz (Dec 27, 2005)

I don't actually think that either parent has a _right_ per se, to wander around a child's room poking into hings. Had they reason to suspect something specific then of course they would have to break the "rules", but, looking at computer screens, diaries etc?? No, I'm sorry, they do not have a right to do that.

They _may_ well have a genuine _need_, one day, I hope not, but no "rights".

Children are a choice, not property.

I , too, think you should discuss this , in quite strong terms, with your Mother.,

I also think you should talk to a School Counsellor or a Teacher/ Doctor/ Pastor, someone outside the family that you _really_ trust.

I also think you should keep a log of the events, on paper, not your Computer. This will give you an idea of whether it is happening on a regular basis, or if it just _seems_ as if it is- sometimes when we are righteously cross, things do get a little out of proportion.

Might I ask how long your Mother has been married to him, and how old you were when this happened, and has he other children??


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## JO~* (Dec 27, 2005)

deleted


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## Jess P (Dec 27, 2005)

I have told my mom about it but she was there when I discussed it with my stepdad as well.



rabbitsfizz said:


> Might I ask how long your Mother has been married to him, and how old you were when this happened, and has he other children??
> 530043[/snapback]
> ​



She has been married to him for about 11 years and he does have a daughter who lives in Pennsylvania. She got mad at him a few year ago and they haven't had a good relationship since. He feels he can punish me for leaving a towel in my room or something by going into my room and taking away my computer mouse as well.

This has been going on (that I know of) this year. I am 15.


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## Sue_C. (Dec 27, 2005)

> looking at computer screens, diaries etc?? No, I'm sorry, they do not have a right to do that.


I agree that diarie-reading is out of line...but when it comes to computers, that have Internet access...they would certainly be checked at my house.

There are evil poeple "out there", and they prey on our youth... "Out there", is _NOW_ in your child's bedroom...in your house. The very place we feel is our sancuary; is being defiled by these preditors, every day, and our children are at risk. If having my child angry at me for caring about them and thier safety, then so-be-it, but I would strive raise them to understand that it is for them, not me being nosey.

But in your case, something does seem a bit odd. Perhaps he is very simply being over-protective though...give him the benifit of the doubt, and discuss it with both him, and your mother. After all, he has been there to raise you for most of your life.


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## Jess P (Dec 27, 2005)

That was really the only time I caught him looking at my computer. It is mostly just walking into my room that bugs me. I understand he may be worried about my computer, but I really have nothing to hide.

The mare's sleazy hood that he through onto my bed was still wet so now I am washing my sheets with a huge red stain on them. I will talk to both when I get in, but I really doubt it will work since I already have discussed it with both and nothing has changed.


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## rabbitsfizz (Dec 27, 2005)

We have grown up in completely different eras, but I do understand how you feel. Since this man is to all intents and purposes your Father, and has certainly stood in for and acted as your Father all your life (that you can remember) he obviously feels he has certain rights. I find it a bot odd that you still referr to him as your Stepdad- do you call him Dad?? I am sorry if these questions are a bit personal, if you would rather not discuss it or PM me, please say, I will quite understand.


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## OhHorsePee (Dec 27, 2005)

Well, I probably wont be popular one on this subject. You have to keep an eye on children! Especially if you have a puter in your room, which I am not in favor of children having. I come from the old school "my house, my rules" and I believe in it up to a point. Yes, teenagers need privacy! He is your step father who, I am assuming, helps in your up bringing financially, as well as, emotionally. With my boys when they were younger I could always tell if they had a "need" for privacy versus a desire for privacy. When ever a teenager commits a crime it is always asked "why didn't the parents know?" Why? Because their children "needed" privacy. I wouldn't get bent out of shape by your step father's concern for you and your well being. He's just trying to be a dad. And knowing what children are up to is part of it all.

Happy thoughts

Fran


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## Jess P (Dec 27, 2005)

rabbitsfizz said:


> We have grown up in completely different eras, but I do understand how you feel.  Since this man is to all intents and purposes your Father, and has certainly stood in for and acted as your Father all your life (that you can remember) he obviously feels he has certain rights.  I find it a bot odd that you still referr to him as your Stepdad- do you call him Dad??  I am sorry if these questions are a bit personal, if you would rather not discuss it or PM me, please say, I will quite understand.
> 530071[/snapback]
> ​


Well, he really isn't my dad because I still have my dad in my life. I visit him every other weekend so I still call my stepdad by his first name. I feel like he is just there for my mom even though he does financially support me.


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## Leeana (Dec 27, 2005)

I'm over protected to. Like when im on the forum typing ..i have my parents yelling constantly asking me what perverate im talking to BECAUSE we all know if your typing on a keyboard, your talking to someone. Half the time in typing on her or doing a google search, no harm.

My dad always comes into my room when im sleeping. I normally wake up and lay in bed for about 1/2 an hour on weekends, not alseep but just to lazy to get up. And he always comes in and snoops around ..i have nothing to hide. I do get mad though because its like they dont trust me. I have a computer, tv, phone and cell phone in my room ...so i understand there concern.

...dont worry ....4 more years and your out! Im practically counting down the days untill i get my own barn, my own house and my own life! Its only 6 months now ..but im not moving out right when i turn 18. I will probaly get a job this summer and start saving for it though and move out when im about 19 or find a nice cheap place with a barn or have dad build on.

But the snooping doesnt really get to me that much ..its when they move my stuff or look at my cell phone calls that drives me nuts!.

Leeana


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## Miniv (Dec 27, 2005)

It would be nice to know how your mom feels about your step-dad's "snooping".

And if there is a concern - for whatever reason - why isn't your mom the one checking up on things???

BTW, I do not believe in parents invading a child's privacey unless they have a valid reason, ie - drug use or concern for the child's mental welfare. But I would also not have our daughter have a computer in her room with internet access either.

I just find it odd that it is your step-dad doing the invasion of privacey.....and not your mom. And what is he worried about? You should talk this over QUIETLY with your mom.

MA


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## Leeana (Dec 27, 2005)

Oops ..forgot to add my advice lol silly me




.

I think you should talk to your mom, when you stepday isnt around to hear it and tell her that your worried about your step-day going through your things. Tell her you have private stuff in her room and she doesnt see you going through his closets or anything like that.

Also, if you come home and stuff is out of play ..it could be your mom putting your clothes away or something. If a closet door is open or a shirt moved ...maybe its just your mom.

It just seems odd that your stepday would go through your closet/computer of all things ...

I beleive in letting people have there own freedom ...but when a child gets older the parents/step-parents need to back off just a bit. Its fine to worry ..but give them a taiste of the world (Im still waiting for mine to back off and im almost 18!!!



)

Leeana


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## Jess P (Dec 27, 2005)

Well I mentioned it to my mom but she is all for him doing it. I guess I will be bringing it up at dinner.

I have a computer in my room because I do a lot of school work, my brother is always on his so if we had only one it would be used all the time by him, and my parents trust me with it.


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## Happy Valley (Dec 27, 2005)

I haven't read all posts, but I agree with Fran. My kids don't have computers in their rooms and only just recently (for Christmas) got cell phones.

Strict parent, here, I guess, but I see no need for all that freedom yet.

Stacye


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## keeperofthehorses (Dec 27, 2005)

While I agree that parents have every right to monitor their kids, especially if they suspect something, I also think that it should be your mom, and not your step-dad if you are uncomfortable with him being in there.

Someone said it earlier and I agree, there is something potentially creepy about that. It's one thing for him to poke his head in to see if your room is clean and tidy; it's another thing for him to be going through personal stuff. It would make me uncomfortable, I know that.

Maybe have a one on one talk with your mom and let her know it makes you uncomfortable; see if she could get him to compromise and either let her do the inspections or at least accompany him?


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## Lisa-Ruff N Tuff Minis (Dec 27, 2005)

keeperofthehorses said:


> While I agree that parents have every right to monitor their kids, especially if they suspect something, I also think that it should be your mom, and not your step-dad if you are uncomfortable with him being in there.Someone said it earlier and I agree, there is something potentially creepy about that. It's one thing for him to poke his head in to see if your room is clean and tidy; it's another thing for him to be going through personal stuff. It would make me uncomfortable, I know that.
> 
> Maybe have a one on one talk with your mom and let her know it makes you uncomfortable; see if she could get him to compromise and either let her do the inspections or at least accompany him?
> 
> ...


I totally agree with this even though he has been with you for years and frankly even if he was your biological dad i would think the same thing.

I agree my kids dont have computers in there rooms but my oldest has a cell phone it is an important safety issue


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## stormo41 (Dec 27, 2005)

i'm 17, turning 18 in a few months. I have not growen up in the same type of house hold as you have. but last year my mom was searching my room, and i'm sure if she new how to look at my computer history she would have. i was undergoing lots of change last year and she had reason to believe that she would find something in my room. i felt really bad, and mad when she did that. I told her i had nothing to hide, but if she wants to go through my stuff she can do it when i'm there watching her, and she has to put everything back when she was done. that stopped her, she never even took my offer. maybe you could say that to your step dad. and since you have no soild proof of him being in your room, i suggest you take before and after pictures of your room, when you think he has moved something you will have proof. or on your way back from the barn if you can she him in your room from the barn, and you have a digital camera you could catch him in the act, he can't say he was not if you have that. the most important thing is not to get mad, and angry. if he still does not stop, then go talk to a counsler or someone you trust.

-Stormo


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## susanne (Dec 27, 2005)

You can monitor your teenagers' activities and still respect their privacy. Adolescence is when children learn to become adults. Privileges need to be granted (gradually) so that children begin to prepare for when they are on their own...have you ever seen what overprotected kids do when they go away to college?

If they are not responsible, then privileges are taken away accordingly, but if a teenager follows the rules, gets good grades, is respectful, etc., then that maturity should be rewarded with increasing trust.

I don't feel that ANY parent should walk into a child's room without knocking. I certainly don't mean that a parent should not go in, but simply knock as a courtesy before entering.

On the other hand, I don't believe in televisions, computers or phones in kids' bedrooms, nor the separation that so often exists between parents and children these days. I absolutely hate how so many houses are designed with master suites -- self-contained units where parents are isolated at another end or floor of the house, far removed from their kids.

My mother has always said to treat you guests as you would your family, and your family as you would your guests.


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## Ashley (Dec 27, 2005)

Heck I live on my own and have for over 2 years, I still have to keep my doors locked or my mom will just walk right in.

Told her one of these days she might walk in on something she dont wanna see. Dont bother her thou.


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## runamuk (Dec 27, 2005)

susanne said:


> You can monitor your teenagers' activities and still respect their privacy. Adolescence is when children learn to become adults. Privileges need to be granted (gradually) so that children begin to prepare for when they are on their own...have you ever seen what overprotected kids do when they go away to college?
> If they are not responsible, then privileges are taken away accordingly, but if a teenager follows the rules, gets good grades, is respectful, etc., then that maturity should be rewarded with increasing trust.
> 
> I don't feel that ANY parent should walk into a child's room without knocking. I certainly don't mean that a parent should not go in, but simply knock as a courtesy before entering.
> ...


I agree with most of what you said.....however my kids barge into my room without knocking I am inclined to march down and do the same




(yes it is childish but they get the point) my youngest son still could care less if you just mosey into his room...my older son prefers I not go in his however we went through a year of he_ll to get to where we are and he knows I will snoop if I suspect anything.....of course any more he just volunteers for me to search and take him in for a UA or blood...so it isn't a complete invasion...he is very much still in the earning back my trust......

And we have a master suite where my office is located and a tv in our room but no tv in the kids rooms or computers and we do not own cell phones........of course the kids are in my room all the time so it isn't like it is private down here


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## rabbitsfizz (Dec 28, 2005)

All these points are very relevant, and it might help Jessica to print them off and show them to her Mother as back up ...BUT for me, the fact that Jessica _feels_ her privacy is being invaded, at her age, means it is. And for me that is the most important point of all.


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## DunPainted (Dec 28, 2005)

My apologies, but I'm wondering if this guy's got other things on his mind, other than the so-called "welfare" of a step-daughter. This behavior is truly warped, and has control or "other" issues that may come to the surface if boundaries are not respected. I know of what I speak and red flags are flapping wildly in the wind! You mentioned that he and your mom are not getting along, perhaps you're the pawn in this emotional battle. However, as a mother, I firmly believe your mom should step up to the plate and insist SHE do the "snooping" with you or without. You are HER child to protect....why is she looking the other way? Period! Have absolutely no respect for mothers who don't listen/watch strange behavior of their boyfriends/husbands with regard to their daughters....could just slap 'em!

I like Storm 41's idea of photographing "before" and "after" photos. In the meantime, RUN, DON'T WALK to your school counselor who's "safe person" and another adult (documentation). Go to another "safe" adult and ask if they'll hold onto your photos and journal. Talk with your father, of course.

Boy, if my child who is involved with horses as much as you, how in the world could you be involved in drugs.....that takes time away from your "passion"?

Is there any way you can live with your father?

This situation is just too weird and you should not be "violated" in this manner on a continual basis. What, exactly, is the guy looking for? Have you asked him to be specific? Why does he move things around?

Sorry for the long post.....this is giving me the "eeby jeebies"!


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## Jess P (Dec 28, 2005)

My mom and stepdad do get along lol. I don't know where I said that. He isn't going through my drawers, he just walks in and looks around. I don't think he is being creepy, just going into my personal space.

I tried talking to him last night but he denyed it again so I have the strongest urge to set up my brother's webcam or a videorecorder or something so that I can document what goes on in my room when I am not here.

I will not move to my dad's. Even though I wanted to a couple years ago because of an incident with both my mom and stepdad with alcohol, I will not leave here because this is where my horses are. This is what I spend most of my time doing, working with my horses and showing them.


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## Danielle_E. (Dec 28, 2005)

I am sorry you are going through this and can understand how unhappy you are about this. Did this just start recently? or has this been going on for awhile. Is your stepdad also doing this with your brother? Has something happened recently that has given your mom and stepdad reason to worry? If the answer is no to all the above then I would be upset too if I were you. I think the "mature" thing to do is to have a talk with your mom and stepdad together and come right out and ask "why" they feel the need to do this and let them know that they are making you feel like they have no trust in you. I think trust and privacy is very important and I am sure they wouldn't want you invading their room and snooping around. I think the hold situation is rather sad.


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## Marty (Dec 28, 2005)

I feel I should have free access to the boys room any darn time I darn well please and I do. However, I don't like to go in their rooms. It's way too scarry and no telling what I'll step in..........

But if I have reason to suspect something bad could be going on in their lives that they are hiding from me, yes I will snoop. But to be honest, I only really did that a couple of times.

In your case, I would simply just tell the step father that he is not being truthful with you and that you know it. I'd call him on it straight up. I think that in this case, your mother should be very involved. If it were my husband that was snooping around in a step daughters room like that I'd be very suspious of him and his intentions. I'm all for setting up the video camera.


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## FairytailGlennMinis (Dec 28, 2005)

If he won't admit to it, then I would try the webcam thing just to prove it, personally. That said, I feel that it is a parent's right to be able to check on their kids and "snoop" as long as the kids live in their home. I can't tell you how many parents I know that wish they had had snooped a bit and could have intervened in their kids lives but they didn't know until too late that they needed to. Kids are the responsibility of the parents, plain and simple in my view. However, I think it should be your mother and not your step-father doing the checking if they feel a need to make sure you are safe.

-Amy


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## Miniv (Dec 28, 2005)

PocketPoniesVA said:


> If he won't admit to it, then I would try the webcam thing just to prove it, personally.  That said, I feel that it is a parent's right to be able to check on their kids and "snoop" as long as the kids live in their home.  I can't tell you how many parents I know that wish they had had snooped a bit and could have intervened in their kids lives but they didn't know until too late that they needed to.  Kids are the responsibility of the parents, plain and simple in my view.  However, I think it should be your mother and not your step-father doing the checking if they feel a need to make sure you are safe.
> -Amy
> 
> 530710[/snapback]
> ​



Thank you Amy! You said it better than I did -- quite a ways back......

If there's going to be any "snooping" it should be the MOM. It's inappropriate for the step-dad to be doing that sort of thing, in my opinion.

MA


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## rabbitsfizz (Dec 28, 2005)

I understand Cindy's worries but there is another side to this. I had exactly this sort of problem with my Father- too many years ago to mention. BUT he was my genetic Father , and his problem was not aberrant, it was power, pure and simple. He would find something I wanted and take it away. And he would enter my room any time of the day or night, deliberately proving he could move into my space whenever he wanted. All the rooms in the house had locks and the first thing he did was take away all the keys, all of them, not even the toilet had a lock. When I got to about Jessica's age my Mother replaced the bathroom lock but it was made plain I was snot allowed to use it and would be in trouble if I did.

I do not think Stepdad is "off track" here, I think he may just be showing Jessica who is in charge in the way some men need to.

I think though, a counsellor should be involved just in case.

It is very easy to shout "fire"

It's not so easy to convince people it was a false alarm.


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## Feather1414 (Dec 28, 2005)

OH Jessica, I am SOOOOOO sorry for this. You know how I feel about kids and their privacy. After my mom read my diary thing, I kinda lost it. I have parental controls on my AOL account, that as you know, don't let me look at a lot of things, including the majority of the forum members websites! Heck, today I found out that on my account, I can no longer send an E-mail! BLAH!


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## Jenn (Dec 28, 2005)

I'm closer to the original poster's age than most of you and yet, I have a far different perspective on this than all of the previous posters.

My view is this: His house, his rules. If he wants to go into your room, he can - it's his legal right to do so. And if you have nothing to hide, then you shouldn't be worried about it.

I am "mother" to my teenaged nephews (well, 12 and 16 years old) for at least a month each summer and many weekends throughout the year and you can be darned sure I check up on them regularly - everything from their rooms to their internet habits. I check the phone bill when it comes in after they've stayed here and I check the computer history often. I turn on the t.v. satellite and hit recall to see what they've been watching when I haven't been home. I also watch the mileage on all of our vehicles to make sure they haven't been driving off without us.

My diligence paid off this summer when I was checking the internet history and found some questionable google searches. My older nephew was immediately banned from the computer for the duration of the summer - I implemented passwords and took off the auto-password on our dial up so he simply couldn't get on the internet, even if he tried. I don't play three strikes, you're out with teenagers - they are old enough to know better. You have one chance with me and if you screw it up, that's it for you.

I discussed the matter with him and with his mother and I went so far as to go to his house to clean out his home computer of all questionable matter. I showed my sister in law how to check up on him and also showed her some of the sites he had been visiting that I felt he shouldn't have access to - one of which was banned by the Catholic school system (which he is a part of) just a couple of months later.

I was a teenager myself not that long ago and I do understand how you feel. However, now that I'm a grown up and about to become a mother myself, I also see the other side of the story. Your parents, and stepdad, are just trying to protect you and keep you safe. There are too many perverts out there - heck, some could even lurk on this forum - for a teen to be allowed to roam freely throughout the internet. No way in he!! will my kids ever have a computer or phone in their room, or a cellphone before they are 18 and can legally sign up for a contract.

You might say I have trust issues, and you're darn right. I know what kind of trouble I got into as a teen, and what trouble my husband got into. I don't want to see anyone else repeat those mistakes. I will likely be much stricter with my own children than my parents were with me (I was allowed a computer and a phone in my room when I was an older teen) because of my own screw ups and what I learned from them.


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## Danielle_E. (Dec 28, 2005)

Well I am nowhere close to the poster's age. I am a mom of 3 grown kids and a grandaughter and everyone has and is turnout just fine. Jenn, if you come down so hard on kids, especially as teenagers, you ARE going to have mega problems because all they are going to do is rebel and rebel big time because you aren't even giving them an inch to move. They will feel so controlled that you will lose their total respect and perhaps permanently because it's something they will not forget. I think what is basically lacking today with parents and bringing up children is that the hectic pace we all lead isn't always optimum for the old fashion "COMMUNICATION". Everybody is too busy running here and there, to hockey or skate lessons, or this or that - they forget to interact and find out in an acceptable way and non-dehumanizing way (don't need to CONTROL it all) to deal with especially teenagers who are going through so much (their peers, their bodies changing, their way of thinking on issues, etc. etc). I think you can have a very healthy relationship and protect your kids without CONTROLLING every aspect of their lives. If your kids feel "comfortable" in coming to you with any problems they have that will be thanks to the nurturing relationship that has been fostered over their childhood years. I say parents have to give respect in order to get. Those that don't have shake their heads or ask "why" - they need to look at how they have handled situations in the past...


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## Jess P (Dec 28, 2005)

I agree with Danielle. I feel really bad for your nephews.


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## Jenn (Dec 28, 2005)

Danielle, maybe you missed the part where I said they have one chance with me. If they screw it up, they lose their privileges. If they continue on through life without messing up and breaking the trust, then they are okey-dokey in my books. But ONE CHANCE is all they get when they hit those teenage years and are old enough to know better.

If a kid is going to rebel, he or she will rebel anyway - regardless of if a parent is lenient or strict, a rebellious kid will rebel at the slightest excuse and without provocation. You can allow a rebellious kid every privilege in the world and they'll still find something to hate you for.

I think parents these days are too lenient. Keep a kid busy and they'll stay out of trouble - simply because they don't have enough time or energy to get into trouble. From the first year in junior high school, a child should be focused on his or her future and should be working towards getting into the right college, getting a good education and making something of themselves. There is no excuse for a lack of focus.

I would hope that as a parent, I will teach my children a good decision-making model that will allow them to make good choices throughout their lives. Children need to learn at a young age that their actions have consequences - positive or negative. Children who consider the repercussions of their choices before they make them generally stay out of trouble. Children who act without thinking are the ones who end up pregnant, hooked on drugs or in juvenile detention.


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## Jenn (Dec 28, 2005)

MiniSeasons said:


> I agree with Danielle. I feel really bad for your nephews.
> 530797[/snapback]
> ​


You shouldn't. They adore me - I'm their favorite aunt. Children, like horses, need to know their boundaries and who's boss. I have eight other nieces and nephews who also think I'm the best thing since sliced bread.

I must be doing something right ...


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## capall beag (Dec 28, 2005)

Well, can you ask him why he is doing it?

My Dad woudl have never snooped or gone into my room. My Dad was always very respectful and he would have just straight up asked me if he was concerned I was doing something!

My Mum would have snooped






and she had good reason to most of the time! I was a naughty teenager, who constantly pushed the boudaries not because I did not love my parents but just because it was so much fun






Boy, do I hope my kids are not like me





I always loved my parents and respected them and I still have a wonderful, open relationship with them. OF course, they are my parents so there are things I don't tell them because they DON"T want to know!

I think it is important for parents to be aware of what their kids are doing but acheive this in a fair and respectful manner. I cannot, as a parent, expect respect if I do not show it.

I think this seems disrespectful to you and not really appropriate to have your Dad snooping in your room. I think if anyone should be doing it your Mum should not your Stepdad. Perhaps you can sit down and explain how you feel.'

Unfortunately, he may not show you the respect you deserve.

It is hard being a teenager and it is hard parenting a teenager





Hopefully, you can discuss it and come to a mutual agreement about what the boundaries are.

Everyone young and old need clearly defined boundaries in a home for it to run smoothly! Heck, even the 4 legged ones need them!!!!!!





I hope this can get resolved for you!


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## ForMyACDs (Dec 28, 2005)

Sorry, but I have to agree with Jen. Tho' this man may be "only" your step-father he is in fact raising you and for all intents and purposes IS responsible for you. If you want true "privacy" you're going to have to wait until you are out of the house. When you live with your parents it is their house and THEIR rules. After all, if you do something your parents will be held responsible so it's only right that in order to do so they violate your percieved right to privacy.

I grew up with my mother and step-father and visited my real father on the weekends. My step-father may have not been my real parent, but he did in fact raise me in HIS home. Just because he isn't a real parent does not mean that his snooping is something that you need to rush to a school counselor to discuss......it's not like this person is a stranger (especially since he's been your step-father for 11 years now).

I'm appalled at the lax way many parents parent these days......it's no wonder there are so many issues. Allowing kids the same rights as adults is just wrong. These are kids......they will be adults when they can support themselves and live on their own. Until then, they have no "right to privacy" as far as their doings and belongings.


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## Danielle_E. (Dec 28, 2005)

MiniSeasons said:


> I agree with Danielle. I feel really bad for your nephews.
> 530797[/snapback]
> ​



I wasn't saying I felt bad for Jenn's nephews - I believe Jenn did the right thing in this case. What I was alluding to was what Jenn posted about after that, I felt it was rather STRONG. Every child is an individual and perhaps Jenn's son or daughter will not be like Jenn and do the things Jenn did, that is what I was saying. You have to not judge a person by what another person did. Lets say for example my sister did something horrible and people or my parents would have judged me because of what my sister did and came down hard on me for it. I think I would have been rather upset and more than likely acted out in rebellion of "just because she did I might do it" attitude.


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## Danielle_E. (Dec 28, 2005)

> Keep a kid busy and they'll stay out of trouble


 Yes that will work for a time as long as the child is enjoying what you are keeping him/her busy with. If they dislike it and are forced to do - than they rebel as well. Parents now a days seem to put their child in all kinds of things, swimming, hockey/skating, arts, etc. etc. to the point where the entire family is run ragged with a crazy schedule and no time no be a "family" anymore. Meaning dinner times TOGETHER, just time to talk to see how everyone is doing, etc. etc. Our society is crazy now with this fast pace and out of control, must do or else..... It was easier I think growing up in my childhood days. Yes of course I had my "hobbies", one of which was horseback riding, dancing. I don't ever recall my parents "snooping" in my room for anything but then I didn't do anything that gave them the need to. All I am saying is unless it is warranted then it shouldn't be done and the child/teenager's privacy should be respected. Parent's shouldn't expect respect from their child/teenager if they can't reciprocate it.


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## kaykay (Dec 28, 2005)

wow there are some strong words here!! please remember there are always two sides to every story. if i was you i would just sit down with your mom and step dad and talk about what is going on. have a family meeting!

i so agree with this statement

Children, like horses, need to know their boundaries and who's boss.

why do parents snoop?? because they love their kids thats why. as the mother of two teenage boys and two 20 yr old girls i can say the only time i have snooped is when they have given me reason to snoop. Id rather snoop thru a room then have a kid doing drugs in their bedroom and me not know it because i wanted to respect their privacy. better a live teenager mad at me then a dead one.

i watch everything my boys do online and they are not allowed computers in their bedrooms. its my job as a parent to parent them. not be their best friend. Im here to help them mature and guide them along the way. i cant guide them if they are on a computer alone and i have no clue who they are talking to or what sites they are looking at.

and danielle i also agree to people stopping the crazy schedules and putting their kids in EVERYTHING. and im a big believer in everyoen eating together. we sit down and eat every night as a family. no television is allowed and no one answers the phone.

kay


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## journey (Dec 28, 2005)

I grew up in a home with a step father who I call Daddy, he was always there for me unlike my father. My parents never went into my room, if I was there or not. My parents completely trusted me and I had alot of privleges that I worked hard to earn. I never gave my parents a reason to not trust me and I always did my own laundry and put it up myself since I was 13. My Mom and Dad always knocked on my door before entering, every time as I knocked on their door before entering. I respected my parents and they respected me. I never had a phone or TV in my room and they just got a computer recently. (they are electronically disabled




)

I would hope that they would respect your privacy, if not I would definetly talk to mom in private, without step dad there to interfere. Tell mom how you feel and tell her you don't appriciate wet things being thrown on your bed (that would really make me mad) If that doesn't work, call step dad out on the rug. Ask him what he gets out of searching your room.. Ask him what he is looking for and ask him why he doesn't trust you. Ask him if you have done something to lose the respect you thought you have gained.

Of course it is there house. My mom use to say, You live under my roof, you follow MY rules, and I did.

Good Luck!


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## ForMyACDs (Dec 28, 2005)

KayKay, you said what I meant to say......I just wasn't as good at it.


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## Jenn (Dec 28, 2005)

Danielle, I agree with you about over scheduled kids. When I say "busy," I mean busy with chores, looking after their animals, helping around the house, doing their own laundry, doing some cooking, keeping up with school work, and enjoying their hobbies. I'll NEVER be a soccer mom or a hockey mom - though I would accept football - and plan only on putting my children in 4-H because I think the educational and moral benefits are so big, they can't be measured. I just hope they'll enjoy it as much as I did!

4-H was the only thing I ever ASKED to be put in when I was a kid - and I'm still reaping the benefits of 4-H in my confidence and public speaking skills. My folks stuck me in soccer one year and I remember standing on the field, not knowing what I was supposed to be doing. I'm not a sports fan!

Other than that, though, pffffftttt on structured activities. Kids need to learn to entertain themselves and play with their siblings. My brother was my best friend when I was a kid and we did everything together. He was the best "toy" ever!


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## Marty (Dec 28, 2005)

Jenn I love everything you have said and I agree with a lot of it and it sure sounds good and even looks good on paper. But when you have your own, you will find that it doesn't work like that anymore.

The fact remains that nothing with kids are that easy. There is no black and white and there are many shades of grey inbetween the rights and wrongs.

I have had to step back and re-group from my big old strict Catholic upbringing where when my parents said "sit" I did. This is a different time and I have had to learn about these shades of grey and chill out because my very strict intentions backfired in my face way too often and got me no where. I had to learn to bend.

It's give and take with a bunch of love and understanding and lots of shades of grey.


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## Leeana (Dec 28, 2005)

I think the reason i go more with 'give them the benifit of the dought' way is because i got away with ALLOT of stuff growing up, allot of stuff! Never got grounded, never got the phone taken away, nothing like that. I just never grew up with having 'rules' instricted ..but i am turning out 'okay' i guess.

But i do think that instricting the rules works out a bit better in the end, hopefully when i have some young ones (in a LOOONG time) i can combine both methods of raising kids.

Leeana


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## Robin1 (Dec 29, 2005)

I think what is bothering me about this situation is being missed.

I have no problem with parents keeping track of their kids and what they are doing, in fact I commend them for caring enough to do so.

What really bothers me is, "Why does he deny doing it?" If he is just checking to make sure she is staying out of trouble, or its his house and so his rules, why doesn't he just say that? Why is he denying going into her room?

Robin


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## Lisa-Ruff N Tuff Minis (Dec 29, 2005)

I find it really amusing that some feel if they snoop and dont see anything in the house (the kids know you snoop) that there kids are on the right track.. all you have done is taught your kids how to be sneakier and think and plan better.

I had a mom who thought alot like Jenn but she was so caught up in being right

she missed so many things that were right in front of her face if she ever got past the facade of the perfect kid and the perfect family.

The one whose world was shattered was hers in the long run

If my kids were doing something that i felt needed snooping well ... there door would be off the hinges and I would be able to keep an eye on them all the time, however... I prefer to allow my kids there privacy and enable them to think they can trust me and talk to me about anything. That isnt always going to happen on my time and in my way.. controling that is almost ensuring it wont happen.

I trust my teen, she has never given me reason not to and until then she has to be able to trust me. Yes it is my house but that doesnt take away all her rights as a human being. My house isnt a jail subject to me doing whatever I choose whenever I choose as if other human beings dont live in it.

She talks openly to me about everything including boys, sex, teachers, peer pressure and drinking and drugs as do her friends as long as she is talking to me openly i will treat her as a person. When i feel (if) that her room needs to be searched you can bet i wont be sneaking around all that will show her is she really cant trust me. That room would be searched with her present giving her a chance to own up to anything i may find before i find

Everyone has there own ways however... a dad or step dad walking into a teen girls room moving things around , searching things, and then denying it is not ok in my book period

Not every kid works well wtih structure and outside activiites and well Jenn you will see


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## Triggy&Blue&Daisy Too (Dec 29, 2005)

Lisa-Ruff N Tuff Minis said:


> I find it really amusing that some feel if they snoop and dont see anything in the house (the kids know you snoop) that there kids are on the right track.. all you have done is taught your kids how to  be sneakier and think and plan better.
> 531402[/snapback]
> ​



Excellent post Lisa. Truer words were never spoken.


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## DunPainted (Dec 29, 2005)

Lisa-Ruff N Tuff Minis said:


> ... a dad or step dad walking into a teen girls room moving things around , searching things, and then denying it is not ok in my book period
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you, Lisa, for putting into words the core of my concern. A bald-face lie by this guy when both mother/daughter are "on" to him, and not be held accountable for his blatant disrespect, is NOT okay!

As Fizz said, perhaps it's only a "power" issue. I hope that's all to be concerned with....but how far will this guy go in testing her personal boundaries?

The webcam is a great idea....especially on family night when she can make the selection with "step dad" being the star?!



Embarrassing this individual in front of others will surely make him think twice before continuing his snooping expeditions.

Control freaks and cowards get "jiggy" when light is shed on their inappropriate behavior.


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## capall beag (Dec 29, 2005)

I guess we all do it our own way!





However, Certainly this is not my HOUSE, but our family home and all who are in it, big and small deserve respect. There are rules in our home that everyone is expected to go by, not just my kids!





I like Lisa's post, good parenting in my book!


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## Feather1414 (Dec 30, 2005)

The only thing with printing out these topics, is that trust me, most parents will get even MORE mad if they know that ehy are being talked about online. When the diary thing happened with my mom, Fizzy told me to print the topic and show her. However, I never did. She doesnt even know something like that went on. My mom is very into her ways. She thinks she is right for anything and everything.

I know this is very difficult for Jessica. To have her step dad denying the whole thing, it makes us as kids VERY angry. I am 16, and she is 15. I know the generality of how she is thinking.

With my own mom, we don;t get along. I am not the perfect person she wants me to be. My own mother doesnt trust me enough to do a lot of things. I have TRIED to communicate with her. Even today, I said I was hanging at my friends house - which she knew about. Well this friend is a guy, and he has a girlfriend. His girlfriend wasnt there, but he and I are best friends, and we do enjoy hanging out, neither of us have any other intentions other then just hanging out as friends. My mom went off on me about how I was "inappropriate" because his girlfriend wasnt there. I don't think its any of her business.

I digress, I know, but please just listen to me parents. I VERY difficult to be in Jessica's situation, and its just super hard to be a teenin general nowadays.


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## DunPainted (Dec 30, 2005)

Jamie:

You always have a home here in NE Wisconsin. We have all the amenities of starting your own training center! I was gonna start a therapeutic riding program, but a head injury nixed that. We have an $8500 sand litter box (80x160) that could use some horse use!

What's up with parents? Guess I'm a weirdo, but I've been very open with our son on all matters that he'll face as a teenager, drugs, cigarettes, relationships with girls and the potential of STD's. if parents took the time to talk with their kids throughout their young lives, as appropriate, then there's no pressure of having the "birds-n-bees" discussion at an awkward age for kids. Instead, they try to shelter their children, and freak out when they hit teenage years. As a parent, my job is to equip my child with KNOWLEDGE, thus comes empowerment. If parents never talk to their kids about what they'll be facing prior to teen years.....life becomes a gigantic monster that invades their home.

With David being autistic, and knowing that "predators" have the potential to prey on the "weak", he's been taught about listening to his instincts and run from "weirdo situations". It happend on one occasion while he was in the men's room....he came out in a matter of seconds. Asked what happened. David said "There's a pervert in there."

I waited outside the men's room, sure enough, the guy made my skin crawl. Having been a target for predators as a child, I have a keen instinct (soul, perhaps) and this individual was "off the scale". I praised my son for listening to his gut feeling and RUNNING. Yes, we call 'em as we see 'em.

Anyway, Jamie, you're welcomed at our place anytime...if you can handle the frozen tundra for a few months!


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