# To the Divorcees...



## Merogsrha (Feb 9, 2013)

Howdy there!

This thread is about what ultimately gave you the "umph" to call it quits on your marriage?

Reason for this is because I have seriously been contemplating pulling the plug on my nearly 2 yr marriage (6 yrs together). No physical/verbal abuse. Basically LACK OF AMBITION is becoming to much. I am a mother of two (with my husband, who also has two older children), who works a part time (looking for other PT to equal a full time paycheck) to support the ENTIRE household.

Children, Animals, Household expences - all on me. Time after time, break down after break down, my husband has NOT gotten the hint I CANNOT keep it up. If I try, stress is going to drop me dead. No joke.

The breaking point for me I think has come today. My Federal Income tax was docked almost $1300 to pay for my husbands back due child support on his other two children. Now that $1300 was to go towards my mini-barn/run in, and some bills. Now its GONE.

Time after Time I tell him I cannot keep doing it alone. heck, I may as well be. The ONLY thing that would be different if he "wasn't here" would be the need to have a babysitter. He does not do anything extra around the house, shows no interest in MY interests, and has NO future goals it seems besides Beer and Black Ops.

I probably should have known better. You never marry someone and hope they change... cause it don't happen. But, that is part of the reason I was so gung ho on the marriage thing... thought it would make things different. It made things different alright- made it harder to kick his butt out LOL

Anywho- for anyone willing to share, what gave you the courage?


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## izmepeggy (Feb 10, 2013)

I thought,do I want to live 5 or 10 years like this..And the answer was NO..After 11 years I packed up and left.The best decision,and the only decision I can make., I just wish I'd left sooner..That was 12 years ago...How many years do you want to waste? That should be your question,and only you can answer it..As for you taxes..You need an Injured spouse form. http://askthemoneycoach.com/2011/03/claim-injured-spouse-relief-irs-form-8379/ It's HIS dept,NOT your's.DO NOT LET THEM TAKE YOUR MONEY...I know it will be hard at first..But,isn't your happiness and piece of mind worth it.Your children will be better off too..But that is just MY opinion.






What gave me the courage.???



GOD


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## Merogsrha (Feb 10, 2013)

Thats for sharing Peggy!

How many more years do I want to waste is the exact question I keep asking myself lately... And my answer is not a heck of a lot more. The "easy going, non-confrontational" side of me is the only thing holding me back I think. Probably why my stress level is so HIGH, because I hold everything in. Such as yesterday when I opened my bank account to see a bunch of money that wasnt there the night before- I should have been happy happy... that happiness quickly turned into being FURIOUS when I seen how much was "missing" (Thanks for the link- I WILL be filing that form ASAP!!!) For the next 3 hours, I could feel my heart pounding through my ears and was redder than a fire engine... but alas, my kids were here, and that is one thing I won't do, is get into any sort of argument in front of them... figured once gramma picked them up in the afternoon, crap would hit the fan.. but nope, I kept holding it in, letting it fester.. *sigh*

I wish it was as easy as ME packing up and leaving... I probably would have been gone yesterday; but the home we are living in is on a Land Contract, and every red cent that has been paid on it, has come out of my pocket - I'll be darned if he's the one to stay  Though who knows... maybe if I pack the kids, animals, and I up, and leave him with the payments........


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## 2minis4us (Feb 10, 2013)

I feel sorry for you. I am not a divorced. I just wanted to say that if you file for a legal separation doesn't that make you not responsible for his debt ? I don't know for sure. Maybe if you file he will get the hint. You might need to do something legally to protect your interests, and money.


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## Merogsrha (Feb 10, 2013)

Don't feel sorry for me - I put myself in this situation  Sad thing is, thats what it may take for him to 'get it'. I'll give the short version of a long story -

3 yrs ago this past december, he was let go from his job for reasons out of his control (family sickness that caused missed work time). This was right after our first daughter was born. I originally told him I was OK with him staying home and me going out to work - AS LONG AS I COULD MANAGE IT. So, last three years, Ive been the bread winner.

When we got this place, I told him i would NOT loose it - no matter what it took. Well, cost of living shot through the roof, but my wages sure didnt. Times have been TOUGH, VERY tough. For the last year my stress level has been through the roof, and on more than one, or two, or three occassions, I've mentioned I Couldn't manage it alone anymore, and I wished he would find at least a PT job. Nothing.

New Years Eve this year, I wrote him my "Resolutions" letter, basically saying it was now or never, things had to change in 3 different areas of our life - finances included. Nothing. Can't even say he acknowledged the letter. He 'sorta' improved two aspects, but nothing drastic. Absolutely nothing to help in the finances department.

And now we are here, with what I think is the straw that has broken the camels back...

I will look into what I would have to do to protect myself and finances (what little there is lol), but mainly my land... this is my future homestead and self sufficiency paradise





And one quick side note- If things go south, I would in NO way prohibit him from having contact with his children. I've watched the mothers of his two older children keep them away from him, and that is one thing I WON'T do.


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## Jenna (Feb 10, 2013)

I'm not divorced, or ever even been married, however you're saying that all he seems to care about was Black Ops and Beer... if I was you I'd take the Xbox, PS, whatever it is he just sits on and plays and throw it out the window and smash it, and break the games. If he wants beer, he can get up, get a job and buy his own. Alcohol is not cheap, and if he's not contributing why should he get rewarded.

Def look into protecting yourself and then leave. Why settle for a mediocre life, when some where out there is a great guy who will see you as his partner, not his caretaker. There is a fine line between "through sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse" and just not trying.

Hope you figure it out.


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## 2minis4us (Feb 10, 2013)

If you divorce and you are the bread winner he might sue you for alimony. IMO you need some legal help.

Also HE should leave, not you.


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## Marty (Feb 10, 2013)

I had the courage to divorce jerk #1 because I grew a brain and knew I deserved better.

I would never in a million years support a man. Contribute to the household, of course, but never ever have full support put on me. Ever.


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## Hosscrazy (Feb 10, 2013)

My ex and I split after 10 years of marriage, and we both put a lot of thought into the split. We went to counceling as well, to help us with our deicison. Basically, we came to the realization that life is not a dress rehearsal - this is a one time deal, and you never get it back. While we were "content", we were not happy and had too many differences in our life goals, plans and dreams. That was 13 years ago, we boh have since remarried - we still remain good friends, but we needed to go separate ways as a married couple. Without a doubt it was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, and iwthout a doubt the best.

Good luck with your decision, and make sure you have a lot of support around you - friends, family, etc.

Liz N.


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## Flying minis (Feb 10, 2013)

SELL THE XBOX! Let him know it's a beginning repayment for the $1300.00. Quit financing his beer, or anything else he needs.. . talk to an attorney to protect your assets, DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE. It is a MESS to get your house back if you leave and leave him there - especially if he is unemployed. Went through this with my ex, my house was even IN MY NAME, but I left and he was unemployed so he had no way to get another place - but I did because I was employed, so they would not force him out. I had to keep making house payments, propane, water, electric, everything while he sat there for 3 months. Luckily, he finally decided to move. Check with your attorney FIRST.


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## izmepeggy (Feb 10, 2013)

Here is the form you need..And I never file a joint return.. http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/f8379.pdf  Good luck and keep your head up,.


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## Ashley (Feb 10, 2013)

The question really is, how much more of your life can you afford to lose (health wise)?

NOpebody can tell you what to do or help you decided what to do as nobody really knows you. Evaluate the pros the cons and what would the benifits of each be. Look back at what was originally there to see what you fell in love with in the first place and can you ever get back to that. Most of all what is it in your heart that you really want?


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## Carolyn R (Feb 10, 2013)

The choice is ultimately yours, and as said,you must be the one to evaluate your situation. I am going to put this out there, as no one else has, and from seeing the same withdrawn behavior with in my own extended family, is it possible depression is an issue? I have seen this behavior, and until it was addresses and treated, it remained the same. In the case I speak if, it was due to lack of proper hormones being produced.


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## Merogsrha (Feb 11, 2013)

Thank you everyone! I only have time for a quick reply before I head to work, so I hope I get everything lol.

First, I want to make sure it is known I did not start this thread to ask "should or shouldn't I" get a divorce, because as a couple have said, no one here really knows me, my husband, or the situation



My main objective is to see what has influenced others to make that decision, and what gave them the courage to do so.

I do not have many people I can talk to "in real life" who do not have a biased opinion. My family never really agreed with the marriage, so they all say get 'er done, while his side, I do not feel right discussing it with. And my only experience with divorce is from my own parents, who split and remarried EACH other 3 times before they finally quit for good and are remarried or in a serious relationship with the RIGHT people for them.

Carolyn, Depression and/or other issues could DEFINETLY be at hand here. BUT, coucilng, etc etc are NOT something my husband "believes" in. I do not hold very high hopes that he would be willing to talk to someone. Heck, in the 6 yrs we have been together, the ONLY time he has seen any sort of "docter" was to have his teeth pulled... and he really should have a "Check up", but its been 6 yrs and I still have not been able to convince him to go.

OK, out of time for now, will check back again this evening and catch up to anything I may have missed



Thank you again everything for your input, and keep it coming!


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## LindaL (Feb 11, 2013)

Well, my story is much different than most (here anyway...lol) and the reason I was divorced from my husband of 12 years was because I finally (at age 35) decided that I wanted to be "happy" and that for me was to come out as a lesbian and be with a woman. When I first came out to my husband, he was hurt and we separated for a month or so (still living in same house; just different bedrooms). Then we decided to "try again" for the kids' sake (fyi, never try to save a marriage for the kids' sake...it just makes everyone miserable including the kids). We even went on vacation together. Three months later, I told him I was done. I could not do it anymore. My husband of 12 yrs, whom if I was straight I would probably have stayed married to because we really did not have any "problems" in our marriage...became a JERK...when I moved out and my new GF moved in with me (was not right away...lol). It started years of fighting over the kids, alimony, child support, visitation, etc. The day (right after a mediation session) he told me I was a "bad" mother and he was taking my kids away from me, is the day I lost ALL respect for him...and I fought for MY kids...and won full custody of both kids without ever having to go to court! Being the jerk that he was, he paid a social worker $3000 to do home studies on both households (he was living in his new GF/now wife's house and I was living with my partner) thinking that the SW would "side" with him and not deem a gay household appropriate for his kids...well, he was WRONG! The SW wrote in her report that MY household was more "stable" and the kids were "happier" living with me/partner!

While it has been hard at times, I was happier in my LIFE and never ever regret leaving my straight marriage! (I also never regret having married the jerk, because I have 2 beautiful children from that marriage!) That all started in 1997...and today, I am stronger for it and have a life I love!





So, that is my "shortened version" divorce story for those who didn't know...LOL!


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## HGFarm (Feb 12, 2013)

I feel for you.... after 13 fun filled years (NOT!!) I finally had to get out. I was exhausted. Same thing- I was the steadier worker, had to do all the 'maid work', mother work, discipline, school meetings and anything else involved on top of feeding all the critters, etc... oh, not to mention he would not even attempt to cook anything. There was NO ambition, motivation, wanting to improve or having any goals. When he told me he had NO dreams, ambition or goals AT ALL, that was the final straw for me- on top of putting up with verbal abuse and alcoholism, and an anti social personality. After a couple of years at the end of just saying "I dont care anymore", I woke up one morning and ........... didnt care. I had nothing left (emotionally). So I did just that- left.

I got more verbal abuse, was told I'd never make it on my own. Ha, never tell me I cant do something! I did. Been happily divorced since 1987 and dont think I will ever do that again. Have been in a relationship with the same guy now for 19 years but neither of us care about getting married. I am very independant and self sufficient, so really dont see the need, lol


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## AngC (Feb 12, 2013)

I’m on #3.

#1 drank like a fish and attempted to thump on me. #2 bit the dust because he liked to sleep around. I left both of them. Where did my courage come from? I DESERVE better than that, and if I had stayed, I would never have had anything better. Nothing’s perfect, but #3 and I have about 15 years under our belts. There’s been better and there’s been worse, but through it all he’s always worked and brought in at least $20-30K more than I did. Therefore about a year ago, along with my retirement and the savings over the years, that allowed me to stop working. We ended up where we’re at, because we had at least some of the same goals.

It’s hard, because there was a reason you married him; sometimes that’s hard to let go of. And it can be scary to head off on your own. Obviously you’ll have to make your own decision, but if you’re coming on a public forum screaming in pain, that already indicates things just aren’t going well. I sincerely wish you all the best.


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## Helicopter (Feb 15, 2013)

There is no way in this life or the next that I would work to support a man. End of story.


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## Merogsrha (Feb 16, 2013)

Thank you Ladies for sharing your stories and insight! I have to do a quick reply (he has no idea Ive come here for advice from others who have been in the same situation), before he (finally) crawls out of bed.

Laurie, your ex sounds like my current husband- no ambition, no dreams, alcoholic (though no abuse), and anti-social (which I think is a huge reason he doesn't have the ambition to WORK!). I am at my last straw, and the last week (since I started this thread), we have had very limited conversation, Ive had to say NO to beer on several occasions (even after mentioning our defaulted elec. bill, and the fact that ALL of the first tax refund was GONE)... And I agree on the part about never telling me I cant do something- I ALWAYS rise to that challange  He is 'lucky' he hasnt said that to me yet, cause though WOULD be the ignitor to this flame 

Over the last week, things have been 'tense' in the sence there is NO talk except small talk (he totally avoids any REAL conversation), and nothing has changed... even after I took my ring off, and didn't raise the fuss about Valentines Day I usually do... I got the 'guilt' trup for not being excited over a FaceBook Valentines message.... apparently its too hard to SAY it out loud, and maybe throw in a hug with it... thats all Ive ever wanted; but even that is too much to ask apparently lol.

I pretty much know how this is going to end, just not 'when'. I have a hard time "cowgirl'in" up and just gettin' 'er done I guess. Too soft hearted my family would say LOL.


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## HGFarm (Feb 18, 2013)

Being in a miserable relationship is no fun. I didnt realize how miserable and disfunctional it was until I had time away. I have never been happier now, rather than with all the grief that I had during those years (I am a slow learner, lol). That's ok, in all the years we were married never once did I get a gift for birthdays (not even a card), Valentines, Xmas, etc.... Guess this is why holidays really dont mean much to me any more. I should have woken up much sooner. I encourage you to just drink down your six pack of 'whup a$$' and do it. Stand up for yourself- it makes you even stronger.


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## Merogsrha (Feb 23, 2014)

Well, here I am, a year later... I lost internet for a while, but decided to go through and re-read the entire thread and see how things 'felt'. I am still with my husband, for reasons even I do not understand... I know I said it last year; but I am finally ready to bite the bullet, and put on my cowgirl pants, and Get 'er Done!

In the last year, my husband did get a job, and it has turned full time... so the finances are a bit better.... but thats just about it. The other two things I told him in my Resolutions letter a year ago, have not improved... and those are far more important to me than the finances... Sure there are occasional good days... but they are far outweighed by the "bad" days. Again, no physical or verbal abuse... just plain lazy, unmotivated, non-ambitious existence...

I am at the stage of just not caring anymore, have lost all attraction I had for him, and everything he does (right down to the way he breathes LOL) gets on my last nerve... I figure that is a sign I need to finally make the leap. I am in a tight spot as far as my personal finances go (Ive been out of work since Mid-November with a knee injury and surgery...first day back is tomorrow); so I am completely lost as far as what to do about the living arrangements. In our "discussions", he says he is not going to leave the house... and I go back and forth between wanting the house, and just wanting OUT..

I came here, mostly to get some of this off my chest... as I mentioned before, I don't have many "real life" people I can talk to without a biased opinion on the subject... and not looking for a "should I or shouldnt I" response, as I know it is impossible to give; but the support you have all showed, and your stories have really helped me in this mess of a marriage I have


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## 2minis4us (Feb 24, 2014)

Hi, I just read your newest post. JMO - but if you are still not happy a year later sounds like you never will be in your current situation. I don't think a man like that will change, especially if you don't try counselling... and it seems like he doesn't want to.

You and your husband need to have a serious heart to heart. If he says he doesn't care then it's up to you to change things, BE STRONG ! You have children to protect and if you are suffering they will too.


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## Merogsrha (Feb 24, 2014)

Thankyou for the encouraging words! I think I just need reassurance from somewhere that I am not "crazy" for thinking of leaving (or making him leave) over all of this. We have had some "discussions", if you can call it that, over the last year - and he knows I am not happy, and knows what it is I am not happy about... He may make an effort one day, then none the next; with more none days than some effort days. Ive told him that I do not want to end up like my parents My parents tried to make it work for many years; even marrying each other three times... to finally seperating and finding people that made them happy. But, after all the years of trying to make it work, they hate each other. That is not what I want to happen. And I think that is what WILL happen if we continue... I think I am finally realizing that he may never change, and I am ready to put my foot down. Life is too short to live unhappy, especially if there is another path to take.. Ive told him I was ready to walk, but always give in and "give it another day" (which is how I am still here a year later...)... But this time, I need to just DO IT! And be strong (Thank you again for that!)


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## HGFarm (Feb 25, 2014)

Yep, been there done that and put up with it for 13 years. I am MUCH happier and better off on my own. And never again will I ever be put in that position!!! EVER. He needs to take a hike and I agree- sell the Xbox and anything else you can to help pay the bills since you are a one income household. If he wants nice things, guess he should figure out how to do that. I feel for you but I would be packing his bags!!!! What you see is what you get - as my mother used to say, you can't make silk out of a sow's ear. It ain't gonna happen and people are who they are. There is no magic wand that makes them suddenly turn into a responsible or caring person. The only way you will not be responsible for his bills is a divorce. Find a man who has a caring attitude that will contribute to the relationship. What you have there is a free loader and there are a LOT of them out there. I do fine on my own and you will too!!


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## HGFarm (Feb 25, 2014)

By the way, we had many discussions too, all were a waste of time and breath. Nothing every changed except for my frustration level.


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## Merogsrha (Feb 26, 2014)

HGFarm said:


> By the way, we had many discussions too, all were a waste of time and breath. Nothing every changed except for my frustration level.


This is EXACTLY what is happening with me!

I feel a little better knowing I am not the only one out there who has been in this type of situation (lazy, unmotivated, etc partner). I KNOW I can do it on my own- I am a VERY hardworking, independent, stubborn woman lol. And he has been told that I am not scared to 'start over'... and it doesnt faze him, so I guess he really is breaking the last straw on his own. I guess it is just a matter of timing really, especially if I want to keep the house. Right now he makes twice as much as me, and says he wants the house anytime we have a chat... It is because of MY hard work that we have ever had ANY home, and because of that, I have changed my mind from "Ill walk away" to I want the house. Plus when it boils down to it, I will be the one who cares mostly for the children, no matter how much Id like to believe he would be very involved. I am job hunting to find FT work so I can be financially stable on my own, and be able to keep my home as far as money goes... the fight with him will be a whole 'nother story! It would be so much easier to just pack myself and the kids up, and move; as far as avoiding the confrontational house debate.... but Id be looking for a home for me, my two kids, two dogs, cat, horse, and four chickens.... while he stayed on "our" (MY) 16 acres... ..... and after I just typed that last sentence, my blood boiled a little, and I realize it IS worth the fight to keep this home!!

I feel stronger, and better every time one of you folks share your story, and offer the support and encouragement; and for that I THANK YOU!!!!


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## JAX (Feb 26, 2014)

Divorcing my husband was the hardest thing I have ever done, also the smartest. My only regret was that I waited so long.


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## Merogsrha (Feb 27, 2014)

I believe the wheels are finally in motion for real this time. After a "discussion" got a bit heated this evening, I told him I was done, and wasn't planning on giving up the house like he was thinking. He didn't give me a penny towards bills or gas; so I am thinking we are on the same page... unless he wakes up and gives it to me tomorrow.... but I think at this point, I would turn it down - just to drive my point home, and let him know I am serious this time! ... Found a letter I wrote to him a year ago, last night, and re read it... I feel the exact same way still, so I think it is definitely time!


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## Miniv (Feb 27, 2014)

Before you do anything, be sure you have your OWN account(s). The money you earn is YOURS. Period. Even if you decide to stay, keep your independence.

If you love him, talk to a counselor. If you're throwing your hands up, talk to a lawyer.

P.S. I'm still married (35 years), but we came close to splitting with me filing....I learned a lot from that.


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## Merogsrha (Feb 27, 2014)

Thank you for the advice! Unfortunately, I do not believe counseling is a possibility. Thankfully, I do have my own account that I use for my paychecks. My mom helps me as far as the budget/bill paying account, and that is all in her name, so no worries there. He has no accounts, except the one he goes through to cash his checks, but that is basically an empty account.

I am hoping we can talk through this like reasonable adults, without it getting nasty... but only time will tell on that one. I feel ready to move on; and he doesnt give any real proof of caring enough to make it work :/


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## Ashley (Feb 27, 2014)

Let me ask you this, have you made a change? You say your husband occasionally tries but after a bit he goes back, have you changed your reaction? Maybe he sees no point if your going to hate him regardless. The fact that he has made attempts even if short shows he has the desire to make a change, however it takes two if your not willing to make any change why should he want to?

Why is counseling not an option? If somebody wants it bad enough they make it happen.


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## Ashley (Feb 27, 2014)

Mind you you say he is worthless but have now mentioned several times he is basically supporting you at this point........no person is perfect everybody has issues and faults but people need to be able to see them in themselves not just others.


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## Merogsrha (Feb 27, 2014)

Thankyou for the different viewpoint!

To answer your first question - Have I made any changes - I have tried to expect less, and I am sure to mention my appreciation of the things he HAS done (such as house work, or the good interactions with me and/or the kids). I have asked him MANY times, if there was anything I was or was not doing, that would make things better or easier for him - his answer is always no. I dont know what I need to change if he doesnt tell me.

Counseling is not an option because he is not willing. That isn't his "scene" so to speak..

As far as him supporting me; I was the SOLE provider for 4+ years. Until he started working last spring, he put nothing financially into the household. It took me giving him the get a job or get out ultimatum before he got off the couch. I was injured in November, and was finally able to return to work this week. Even while I was out of work, he was supporting the household, but I supported myself and my animals. I was the one who took care of the household chores, even while I was on crutches and a leg brace (let me put it this way... the 105 days I was out of work, and after surgery, he did not do a single load of dishes. Not one single load. That is just one example...

I do understand we all have faults, and I have admitted to my own, that I am aware of. I am impatient and have high expectations when it comes to what I think are reasonable father/husband duties... but I have tried to be more patient, and expect less.... but it doesn't get any better overall. When I say he does try, I dont mean on a regular basis... Im talking once every week or so.... not enough of an effort in my opinion... But, I am a very ambitious, hard working, independent, and stubborn person... I could NEVER have the lack of ambition like he does..


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## Ashley (Feb 28, 2014)

Is it possible that the lack of ambition is acting as a cover for a mental health issue?


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## HGFarm (Feb 28, 2014)

I had suggested counseling a couple of times also when things were getting kinda bad for me... he flatly refused every time. He said I could go but he wasnt, after all, I was the one with all the 'issues' over the way things were going. (yes, HE was my issue). When he told me on a serious real heart to heart sit down discussion one day, that he had no goals, no dreams no desire to change or improve things, I knew I was done. He had no feelings about anything, nor did he seem to care about participating in life at all.

You can't put 200% into a relationship when the other person puts in 0% and make it work. I really started to become burnt out and began telling myself also not to expect so much and kept telling myself 'I dont care' in an effort to not get so stressed over carrying the load. Then one morning after our discussion in which he came across as a empty shell, I got up and really realized 'I dont care'. That is when I left. And financially? I have done MUCH better without him and accomplished many things in life I wanted to.


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## Merogsrha (Mar 2, 2014)

Ashley - It is entirely possible... He has always had social "issues", and is very reserved. No way to find out, as he is not willing to visit with a docter... for any reasons... Can't very well force him to go.

Laurie - That is exactly what he says to me when we talk - It is only ME who has an issue with anything... he is "perfectly happy".

We had a calm chat night before last... well I talked at least. Said many of the things I have said here, and repeated things I have told him in the past, in a calm manner.. Acknowledged I know he doesnt like to talk about things, but it had to be done... after my 10 minute speech, he only reply was "Ill try".... I am in a huge inner dilemma with myself... I dont know if that is an acceptable answer anymore... it is the same thing Ive heard for the last year. For now, I am letting things simmer, and see if this "Ill try" turns out any different... while I am doing this, I am saving some of my "own" money, and getting serious with the full time work search.. If things remain the same, I will at least have a better foothold financially when the time comes. I am not going to give this "Ill try" long, before I let him know it just isnt working for me anymore...


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## Tab (Mar 9, 2014)

Can you watch the movie fireproof together? I know one couple whose marriage made extreme improvement after seeing that movie. More touching and nookie is so important. A lot of the time just touching and doing for each other begins the healing and starts to mend the divide. Just saying sorry isn't enough because love means to take action for each other; it is a verb. Also, my heart goes out to you because today the responsibilities weigh so heavily on mom to be wage earner, wife, and mom. To basically do and be everything. I think our marriage would be in rough straits if we both worked outside the home. With school, horses, and home, my schedule is chock full. I never dare say I don't work, when I don't work outside the home. That isn't true. Take time for each other. There must be something if you have seen each other through the last 9 years. We are celebrating 10 years this year and we fight and make up on a regular basis. He's my best friend, and we have been through so much. So have you and your guy. I say fight for it, just like your life depends on it! Rooting for you!


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## Reignmaker Miniatures (Mar 13, 2014)

I'm not going to offer you any advice, as has been said before only you know what is right for you, and I don't want to make things harder for you by making you doubt yourself but I want to share my story because maybe your putting off leaving means something. Maybe your stress isn't really his fault and he is just a target you can see and accept. You have children so you owe it to them and yourself to look at all sides of this before you make a final decision either way I think. So here it is;

I'll start by saying I have been with my husband now for nearly 37 years and I am more in love with him (and love/respect him more)now than when we married. There were many years when the stresses of raising our family and paying the bills drove a wedge between us. Years that lead to a day when we had 'the talk' and agreed we were done with the marriage. For a number of reasons we delayed what we felt was inevitable and gradually as time past and we admitted to ourselves and each other the truth about how we felt (the good stuff too... who knew he thought so highly of how I handled our life's hard parts - he didn't realize I respected his parenting so much- maybe I hadn't realized it either) the anger and outright dislike began to ease. We started to spend some real time together, going on mini dates, a cup of coffee on the deck, a movie shared with out the kids. We found that the people we had been when we became a couple were gone but the people we were still belonged together. We had a history, not all of it good, in fact we let each other down,* a lot*, but we discovered it was a 2 way street. We both had done our best to 'survive' sometimes that didn't leave a lot left over to offer the other support.

I'm not saying our story will be yours but I want you to know that the man I love so completely again today, the man I am happy to imagine growing very old with, is also the man I actively hated a various points while our children were young.

One other point, someone suggested your husband may be struggling with mental health issues but no has said perhaps you are. With all the stress you have been under perhaps with out realizing it you have slipped into a depression too.

Just some food for thought, what ever you decide I wish you nothing but happiness.


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