# Its been almost 6 months



## Voodoo (Nov 24, 2008)

Hi all, I know that I have been gone from this board for a really long time, but I just really need to share and catch you all up on what has been going on in my life. I thought life was going great and on the right track this spring, I was roping alot, spending a ton of time with my parents and my brother Shawn. I had just bought a house and things were going great, but no such luck any more. There is only thing that has dominated my life since that fateful day of June 9th. My Dad, my brother Shawn and I were working on a fence project in Evanston, Wyo (thats what we do for a living). We have all been working the jobs together since Shawn and I were 14 and 13 years old, that means we have been working together over 10 years. Everyone knows their job and we are always always making sure things are safe. The job was a tough one as the fence crossed and recrossed a fair sized river many times in the 12 miles that we were building. We came to the last river crossing of the entire job on the afternoon of June 9th and rigged everything just like always, almost. The river was wider here than the other crossings so when we stretched out the 40,000 pound test tow rope it wasn't long enough to reach all the way from the small 10,000 pound posi track machine to the D5 dozer that would pull the small machine through the river. Now mind you we use this tow strap because if you over stretch it and it breaks it explodes rather than snapping back so no one gets hurt. Well since it didn't reach all the way across the river we covered the remaining distance with a 100,000 pound test rope that we use to pull the bigger equipment. This rope had about 2 feet of heavy duty log chain on each end. We figured that it would work just fine like that. So Dad got into the D5 and Shawn was driving the posi track. I was standing over to the side so I could wave and stop Dad if anything was going wrong. The small machine went right into the river and across just fine, but as it started to pull out the other side it hung up in the heavy mud. Dad saw it was hung up and stopped the D5 and put it in reverse, but before the dozer moved back to loosen the strap, rehook, and start over the 100,000 pound test rope broke about 2 feet from the heavy log chain. Since that rope was hooked to the D5 the pull from the smaller strap pulled that 2 foot of rope and 2 foot of heavy chain back through the cab of the smaller machine. I heard a loud crack and saw that it had hit Shawn in the side of the face. His head was laid back through the back window of the posi track and I knew there was no way he made it. My world just stopped and I fell to my knees crying. After what seemed to be forever, but was actually only a few seconds I stood up and ran across the river (it was about chest deep). Dad and I held eachother and cried for a long time before realizing that we were a long way out into the desert and had no phone signal and no help. So the two of us took him out of the posi track, wrapped his head up because I just couldn't look any more, and then loaded him in the truck and headed for town. The call to the cops, and the mortuary, were a blur. But when I had to call my Mother it took me an hour to get where I could even talk to tell her. When Dad and I got home to Cedar City, Ut 6 hours later we just sat with Mom and prayed for the longest time. Four days later we had a memorial service for him and it was absolutely perfect, or as perfect as things can be when you lose your brother, who was also my best friend. The last months have been a blur, there's not a day that I don't cry, I don't know how to go on. The guilt that Dad I both carry is unexplainable, how could we miss that, how could we let it happen........ However, I know he wouldn't want me to give up so I keep going every day, but life is just an empty shell now. I try so hard to go on, but to walk to the pasture to feed his horses I have to walk past his truck and trailer, the floors in the house are made of slate tile that I helped him lay. Most of the tack I use was made for me by Shawn. The leather seats in my truck are his workmanship, every where I look I see him. That is a good thing but it also really hurts me. I know that somehow, someday, I will see him again, but God it hurts so bad now. I'm sorry for spilling to you all, but I felt the need to talk about it now.

He's gone but not forgotten, cause everywhere I look

I see a part of him he left for me like a page out of a book

Though I can't reach out and touch him he left so much behind

That he's gone but not forgotten in my mind

This was Shawn heading for me about a year ago at a big roping in Las Vegas, Nv


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## Marty (Nov 24, 2008)

I was just so glad to see you back but not under these horrible circumstances. I do know what you and your family are going through every minute of every day. I wish I could fix your pain. I know about that blur you are speaking of. I realize your emptyness, but there are things I have learned along the way to help me get through the days and cope. If you or your mother want to talk, I am certainly available to you if you want to call anytime. I do mean that. I know this first holiday season will be very difficult for you all. Biggest hugs coming your way.


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## mininik (Nov 24, 2008)

Words simply cannot express how sorry I am for what you and your family are going through. What a terrible loss.


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## Mona (Nov 24, 2008)

Oh my God, I feel soooo broken-hearted for you. I am in tears reading your story. I am so glad you were able to share this with all of us, as I am sure writing it out may also be a part of healing for you. I just have this strong urge to take you in my arms and hold you and let you cry and to let it out. I feel so helpless. (((((HUGS))))) to you and your family.


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## Charley (Nov 24, 2008)

This is such a tragedy. I am so sorry for your family's loss. {{{Hugs}}}


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## wcr (Nov 24, 2008)

What a horrible thing to have happen to your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Though things are very hard and you see Shawn everywhere you look right now and feel your pain, it will get a little easier and someday you will realize that the things you have of Shawn are a comfort instead. May that day come sooner than later. Be kind to yourself.


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## Reble (Nov 24, 2008)

So sorry for your loss of your brother and your best friend.

Please take care of yourself. Thinking of you in your time of need


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## Voodoo (Nov 24, 2008)

Thank you all for the kind replys, and Marty you are right. His 27th Birthday was on Sept. 29 and that was terribly hard, the coming Holidays that used to be filled with joy are dark and hollow now, but somehow we keep going on day to day. WCR I do cherish the things of Shawns that I have and they help me to remember the good things, and memories of Shawn that I have, but it still hurts so bad. It was several months before I quit reaching for the phone to call him several times a day. I called and talked to him many times a day when we weren't together. He was my confidant, my best friend, my coach, my everything. I will never try to shelve his things and forget, no I can't forget him. I only want to forget what I saw that afternoon. Thanks again everyone.


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## hobbyhorse23 (Nov 24, 2008)

Oh, honey. Words cannot express my sorrow for your loss. It seems like that sort of thing is going around right now and I can't imagine the pain you must be in. Please know that while I don't have the right words to bring you comfort my heart is breaking for your family and we share your pain. You will be the best living tribute your brother could have hoped for; I know you'll make him proud every day of your life.

Shawn was only a couple of months older than me ...it makes you think.





Leia


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## Reignmaker Miniatures (Nov 24, 2008)

All throught he reading of your post I kept telling myself that it was just a story. Not real people and real pain. I hoped right to the very end that I was right and my heart breaks for you that I was not. I have no magic words to ease a pain as great as the one you are suffering but you and your family are in my thoughts. My deepest condolences to you all.

If the days don't get easier, PLEASE, talk to your doctor. Depression is quite common after a stressful event like this and he may be able to help you to move past the worst of it.


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## h2t99 (Nov 24, 2008)

My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. Open your heart and mind and you will see the signs your brother is sending to you, to tell you he is ok and keeping watch over you. It is good that you are talking about it. It does help when you are grieving, to talk to people, especially to someone that knows what you are going through. Best of luck.


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## SWA (Nov 24, 2008)

I'm so sorry for your family's great loss. Holding you all in warmest love and prayers.

In His Hands,

Tanya


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## RJRMINIS (Nov 24, 2008)

I am sooo sooo very sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine what you and your dad went through when that happened.....I have tears in my eyes thinking about it, and the pain you all are in. I know I always worry about my husband in situations like that, you just never know when something will go wrong. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## Reijel's Mom (Nov 24, 2008)

I am so incredibly sorry for this tragic loss you and your family has suffered. My heart goes out to you.


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## StarRidgeAcres (Nov 24, 2008)

I am so sorry.


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## BlueMoonEmbroidery (Nov 24, 2008)

My heart is breaking for you and your family. I am so sorry.


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## twister (Nov 24, 2008)

Oh my dear I don't have words to express my sorrow that you have lost your brother and best friend <HUGS> I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Yvonne


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## Relic (Nov 24, 2008)

Kera l am so very sorry about your brother Shawn l can't imagine your loss and hurt but l'm so glad to see you posting l hope that helps some with the tragic pain. BIG HUG for you and keep posting it's been a long time since l saw the name Voodoo pop up and l've often wondered what you were up to..


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## Equuisize (Nov 24, 2008)

That is a horrific accident for you to have witnessed.......and such a tragedy for you

and your family.

I hope having the things that he personally made for you brings you so much

comfort. He sounds like he was a totally loving brother, how lucky you were to be

in each others lives. It sure sounds like he never would have had a moment

where he doubted your love for him.

My deepest condolences to you and your family.....


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## CyndiM (Nov 24, 2008)

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved brother and friend. You and your family will be in my prayers.

((((HUGS)))) Honey it is always a huge hurt to loose a loved one.


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## REO (Nov 24, 2008)

OMG! There are no words to say how very sorry I am! My heart aches for your loss. I just can't imagine what you've been through. I wish I could take away your pain.

{{{{HUGS}}}} to you and your mom & dad.

It's not just his things that are around you, he is around you too. Watching over you.

I'm so sorry


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## Kim (Nov 25, 2008)

What a horrible, horrible accident. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through right now. I am so very sorry for your loss. (((Hugs)))


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## crponies (Nov 25, 2008)

I am so sorry for your loss! I cannot imagine how painful it was and still is for you. (((hugs))) I am praying for you.


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## joyenes (Nov 25, 2008)

OH Iam so sorry to read about this horrible accident. There are no words that will help just time and God's Love. Take care and know that I will be thinking of you and your family.Joyce


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## Keri (Nov 25, 2008)

I'm so sorry! I cannot imagine what it would be like to loose your friend, brother and confidant, but to also witness it. I'm sure the pain will subside one day, but it can only be hard now. Never forget him and just live on like he wanted you to. I'm glad you are back and talking about it. It'll help. Hang in there!


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## Maxi'sMinis (Nov 25, 2008)

Kera my heart goes out to you. I will pray that the memory of that terrible day will quickly fade and be replaced with the loving memories of your brother. I too have a very hard time getting past the pictures in my mind of things I've seen in my life. I have prayed hard that God would take these pictures from my mind and let me see the wonderful times I had instead. I will remember you and your family in my prayers that God will lift your heavy hearts and fill them with the love you had for your parents son and your beloved brother. I feel that he is still with you and like many folks here on the forum from time to time they feel the closeness of their heavenly angel looking over them.

God bless dear heart.


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## Watcheye (Nov 25, 2008)

I am so sorry. It feels so surreal... I hope you and your family are able to mend and find happiness again...


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## MiLo Minis (Nov 25, 2008)

So very sorry for your, and your family's, loss. Makes me want to tell my own siblings how much I love them.


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## Vertical Limit (Nov 25, 2008)

OMG! I am so sorry! I cannot even imagine going through something like that! My deepest sympathies go out to you and your family.

Carol


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## lyn_j (Nov 25, 2008)

Oh Kera, I am sooooo sorry, I can not imagine what you have been going thru. I have never lost anyone to an accident. God give you strength to continue on , that will best serve his memory Im sure.... May He give you a quiet spirit.

Lyn


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## dreaminmini (Nov 25, 2008)

I'm so sorry for your and your family's loss. My heart goes out to you all. Hold the good memories (and it sounds like there were lots of them) close and cherish them. My prayers to you all to have the strength to find happiness again.


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## Casnos Minis (Nov 25, 2008)

I am so sorry for your loss. HE is every where around you and your parents and always will be.

Hugs,

Christy


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## minimama (Nov 26, 2008)

Oh my gosh, I am so so very sorry. What an incredible loss and you have my sympathies and prayers for your family.


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## Sterling (Nov 26, 2008)

Kera, I am soooo very sorry!!! I had not seen you around for a spell and now to read this....my heart is breaking for you. The way you told it brought tears to my eyes and a pit in my stomach. I will keep you and your family and your beloved Shawn in my prayers.


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## justanothercowgirl (Nov 26, 2008)

Kera,

I have lost a loved one in an unexpected accident too and time does make it easier to live with. It never, ever heals but you will get used to living without Shawn. I am SO sorry to hear about what happened, I can only begin to imagine how especially hard this has been on you and your Dad. The first year is always the hardest, getting through the birthdays and all the holidays but I know you can do it. There will come a time when you will love it that you are surrounded by things that remind you of him, for now I know it hurts. Shawn would not want you to give up. Cowgirl Up!

Pam


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## coopermini (Nov 26, 2008)

Kera, So sorry to hear about Shawn. I have always enjoyed reading your stories and adventures. The guy that works for me nearly met the same fate years ago helping his brother. He was very lucky to be leaning slightly to one side and the broken cable just buzzed by his ear.

Our thoughts and payers are with you and your family

Mark


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## Sonya (Nov 27, 2008)

oh my, I am so very sorry. Sending prayers and good thoughts for you and your family. (((hugs)))


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## nootka (Nov 27, 2008)

I am so sorry for this, and wish there were something to say to ease your hurt.

Please know that my thoughts are with you as you adjust to the loss and try to move on with your life.

Liz


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## minisch (Nov 28, 2008)

I remember you, the young cowgirl with alot of grit. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I remember you talking about him. It makes it even harder for you because you were so close. Time will slowly take away some of the pain. Stay close with your family, keep busy. I have been thru alot lately too and have found a new faith in God. He really helps. Feel free to email me anytime.


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## Voodoo (Nov 28, 2008)

Thank you everyone for the replies and kind words. Yes, I have found a new faith in God as well. Shawn told me all through life that you don't have to see something to believe it, but that you only have to believe in something to see it. Well, now I am going on that same faith that he gave me, knowing in my heart that he is up in Heaven smiling down on me and guiding me through this life until it's my time to join him. He also would never let me give up on my dreams and so I won't give up now. Every day hurts so bad, but his memory keeps me going. I can still hear him standing beside me telling me that anything is possible through hard work and faith. So I'm going to keep working hard and believing that he is in a better place, through that maybe it will be possible to make life livable again someday. I talk to him every day and in his own special way he talks to me as well. Life will never, ever, be the same but I will find a way to go on because I know that is what he would want, I will go on and keep roping, and keeping his memory alive in my heart and soul.


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## wildoak (Nov 29, 2008)

I'm so sorry for your terrible loss....can only imagine the hurt. We saw that heartache firsthand last week, as my daughter's boyfriend just lost his younger brother at 19. God bless you and give you strength to heal.

Jan


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## Valerie (Nov 30, 2008)

Oh my dear girl, I am so sorry you have having to go through this tragedy.

It has been just over 2 years now that we lost my Mom unexpectedly.....and I tell you not a day goes by that I do not miss her and think of her. Yes, time does ease some of the grief and you do try to remember the good times. One of the best things that helped me and I still enjoy re-reading, is a book that MiniV told me about..... "Hello from Heaven"...it's about after-death communications and the signs and how so many different signs come in so many different ways. If you keep yourself open, you will receive signs from Shawn. I can promise you, my family has received so many different signs from my Mom since she passed and it really does help. I know the grief you are feeling, and please know that I am always here to lend an ear to you.

Please keep doing what makes you happy, that is the part that I am having the most trouble with right now, remembering what truly makes me happy.

I am not one to preach of medicines, but I do know they help me in the past and currently, and I know that even after 2 years, we are just now getting my Dad to talk to the Dr. about depression. It can come and go and it can build up, so please just keep in touch with yourself, you will know when you are not being you anymore and if you need help, be it through meds or through therapy, please seek out the help. I also encourage you to talk to you family, it's very, very healing to talk about things. I guess maybe coming from a family of 7 kids, we have a huge built in support system, but it does help to talk about how much you miss Shawn and what he meant to you and to tell your family what they all mean to you.

Sorry, I am not trying to preach, just trying to pass along some things I have learned in the past couple of years.......and still learning everyday. Yes, I do still want to pick up the phone & call my Mom..........but alas, I have to talk to her in other ways and that is fine for now.

Take Care of yourself and I do know the holidays will be especially difficult this year, but please know that you have a whole other "forum" family here that cares about you!

Hugs to you.

Valerie


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## Barbie (Nov 30, 2008)

I am so sorry for your loss. Just take one day at a time and it will get easier. Remember, he is there looking down at you at all times.

Barbie


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## maplegum (Nov 30, 2008)

Such sad news. My thoughts are with you.


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