# Update on hubby & me



## lvponies (Feb 19, 2008)

Well....Things have dramatically changed around here. Allen was going to stay til spring to help get repairs done around here and to save money to rent his own place. We were cordial to each other, but he slept in his room and I slept in my older daughter's room. Pretty much like ships passing in the night. He pretty much came & went as he pleased and I never knew what he was doing or what he was up to. He told me on Valentine's night that he was "stressed" and needed to go away for the weekend to a buddy's hunting cabin to "seriously think". He said he was leaving on Saturday, but Friday night he came home and said he was leaving that night. Didn't take much with him. I asked him, since he was going to a rustic hunting cabin, if he wanted to take some food, toiletries, sleeping bag, etc. He did take a sleeping bag, but nothing else. He ran out of here Friday night like a cat with it's tail on fire and didn't even say goodbye. Said he didn't know if he would have cell phone coverage while gone as the place was up in the mountains, but said he would try to call me Saturday morning. Never got a call. Saturday morning after taking care of the horses, I took a peek in his locked work truck to see what I could see. Saw a pink envelope on the seat of the truck, but couldn't make out what it said from either side window. I climbed up on the hood of the truck (I did, I really did!!) and looked through the front windshield and could see the envelope. On it was written in a woman's handwriting, "to my one true love"!!! Oh....wasn't MY handwriting!! So....finally had the proof I needed that he was involved with another woman!!! Since Allen has been here, he has sworn & promised that he would not get involved with another woman while living here. Said "I would never do that to you, Kim". I believed him as he's never lied to me before and has always been trustworthy. Well.....he lied!!! Guess he lied numerous times about where he was going and what he was doing!!! Anyway...tried texting and calling him and his phone was turned off. Gathered up his guns, deer heads, clothes, etc and put them out on the front porch. Texted him to tell him that I had thrown everything out into the front yard. When he didn't run right home to get his hunting rifles out of the yard, I knew he wasn't getting the messages because he loves those guns more then anything!! Didn't hear from him until Sunday night. He was scared to come home and called me from the front of the subdivision instead of coming straight home. Tried to deny that he had another woman. Finally came home and the scene began!!! Oh...one other thing that happened....Saturday I looked at my online checking account and while Allen had been depositing money into the account, he had withdrawn so much that his total contributions to the bills and household expenses for a month was $87.33!!! That won't go too far with our bills!!! On Saturday, I called the bank and cancelled his ATM card. Once he got home, Allen admitted to the affair with the other woman. Said they had started talking a couple of months ago, but I guess didn't "get together" until after he told me it was over. He wasn't at a buddy's hunting cabin all weekend, he was in a motel with this woman. Said the two of them have a connection and he's never met anyone like her. Said they are "in love"!! OH.......the woman is living with a boyfriend!!! After lots of "talking", I made Allen sign a document I had typed up giving me the house, agreeing to child support and his truck payment/insurance. Gave him a written schedule of when the various payments are due to me. Allen said that the affair "just happened" and he wasn't looking for anyone else. I told him that things "just happen" to immature teenagers, but things don't "just happen" to middle aged men. They make a conscious choice to do or not do something. He made the wrong choice. It really burns me up that I told him that he could stay here until he had the money together to rent his own place. While he was eating our groceries, using our electricity, getting his clothes washed, etc....he was carrying on with someone else. All the time, living in our house, sleeping in our bed and using my money to support his relationship with her. I was trying to be really good to him as he had been good to us through the years and he screwed it up. He had told me that he would never get involved with another woman while living here with me. That was one of many lies he told me!!! I KICKED HIS BUTT OUT!!! He actually had the nerve to ask me if he really had to leave that night and tell me that he had nowhere to go. Not my problem, buddy!!!

The girls are both really angry with Allen and his actions truly disgust them. I don't know if they will ever be able to repair their relationship with their father. He's truly acting like an immature teenager and not taking into account his responsibilities and commitments here. He had his cell phone turned off all weekend while he was with that woman. What if there had been an emergency with me or one of the girls? Bethany asked me what if something had happened to me and she was here all alone with no one to call? Regardless of his "new love" he is still a father and has responsibilities to his girls. I told him that I hope his brain gets straightened out and back on the right track at some point. He thinks his brain is working "just fine" thank you very much. He took so much money out of the checking account in the last month buying phone cards to talk to the woman and to have money to be with her that his sum total of deposits to our home expenses and bills was $87.33!!! Well, his truck payment of $488.00 is due to come out of the account and be paid this Friday. Don't think $87.33 will go too far towards that!!! No, I really don't believe he's thinking right. He's like a teenager all caught up in a first love.

Allen told me during a discussion we had since he told me that he was leaving that he never wanted to be married and have children. He said that he planned all along to leave once the girls were grown. He has been unhappy & miserable since the very beginning of our relationship 19 years ago!!! I told him that it was his own fault that he was unhappy. He made up his mind to be and never opened himself up to the joys and happiness that was all around him. He was a good man to us, but rarely participated in any family events or his children's lives. Both girls feel that he resented them from the beginning and that's why he never showed them any love. He closed himself off from them & me.

You know what's really weird? I am more hurt by my illusions of who I believed Allen to be being popped like a balloon then the affair. After 19 years together, I totally and completely believed that he was a good man, an honest man, a man with intregrity. I trusted him more then anyone else I had ever known in my life. He has never, ever hurt me before all this. I felt safe with him and at peace for the first time in my life. I really expected to be devastated by knowing he was with another woman, but for some weird reason, that really doesn't bother me or maybe I'm numb and in denial and it will hit me at some point? I don't know, it's weird!! I told Allen Sunday night that I no longer believed all these things about him and he wasn't a good man afterall. He said he was still a good man, just a good man who had made a mistake.

I do still care deeply for Allen and hopes he finds the happiness he seeks. I also hope at some point in time that he realizes everything he's thrown away and feels deep regret for that. He had it all, but still wasn't happy. Now he will have nothing, but claims this woman will make him happy. She's currently living with a boyfriend and he hasn't been told yet. So...2 relationships are being broken up as a result of their "love". Allen said that affairs and breaking up marriages happens all the time. I told him that doesn't make it right and I never, ever thought that he would do something like that to me. He has never purposely hurt me before. Wonder what will happen when the thrill of sneaking around to meet this woman wears off? How can he even feel "true love" for her when they've known each other such a short time? They barely know each other at all. It really seems more like infatuation, lust or puppy love to me. I did ask him if he was going to take her by to meet his parents and he said no. Also asked if they were going to move in with each other and he said he's not ready for that. I think the bloom will eventually fall of the rose and believe at some point, Allen will realize what's his done to his family and hopefully feel truly mortified and be filled with regret. Or....maybe "true love" does just happen that quickly sometimes and they will be together forever. Just don't know!!

It is actually a relief that he's gone. It was stressful with him living here....never knowing where he was, when he'd be home, who he was with. So...now we move on, try to heal and get on with our new reality. He left with what was left of his last Friday's paycheck in his pocket....no he never deposited any of it as he needed it for his weekend.




His ATM card was cancelled and he gave me back the check books he had in his trucks. I opened a new checking account in just my name and moved the bulk of the money into it. He has nothing!!! He hasn't taken anything of his from the house, not even the clothes I so nicely bagged up and put on the front porch for him. Told him that when he wants to get his things, that he will have to call to make arrangements to get into the house while we're here. Need to get the locks changed, but haven't done that yet. Hope I've thought of everything. It's weird without him being here, but I guess we will get used to it in time. Still have the habit of looking out my window for his truck lights coming in the driveway, but I guess I'll get over that too.

Meanwhile.....my younger daughter and I did join the gym and have been going to step aerobics classes, spin cycling classes and using the treadmills. I have lost 16 pounds so far. Only 4 pounds away from losing 20 pounds!!! I'm so excited!!

I think we'll be ok in time!!! I really already feel better as the other shoe has dropped with knowing about the affair and him leaving and I didn't fall apart. I think all the lead in time from when he told me he was leaving at the beginning of January to him actually leaving on 2/17 gave me a chance to get stronger and adapt.

If you've made it this far reading my "book"....thank you! Thank you all for being there for me and supporting me through all this.





*Edited to fix some formatting errors.*


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## CrescentMinis (Feb 19, 2008)

Oh Kim, I've been following the whole saga with Allen since your earlier posting, and I'm so sorry he has gone and done this. I don't know what to say and I'm sure others will have better words of wisdom, but I do know that a relationship like he is starting with the other woman, where they are both lying and hiding and cheating, can't turn out well for them because of what it is based on! How can they ever really trust each other when they know what they have each done in order to be together? Yes, Allen is going to regret this big time someday when the infatuation wears off. I am so glad you are taking care of yourself, for you and your girls. Stay strong and know we are all here for you.


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## Jill (Feb 19, 2008)

Kim --

My thoughts are with you and so many of the things you tell us you're feeling, and the things you're doing, I can just empathize very much and see myself doing the same in a similar situation.

I sincerely think Allen will regret what he's done, and that his relationship with this _______ will not be long lived. She may not even really be willing to leave her boy friend, but either way... I don't figure she's much of a class act.

Hugs to you,

Jill


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## Charley (Feb 19, 2008)

Not even going to address Allen. He is dispicable....nuff said.

It is great that you are working out and even greater that it is with your daughter. I'm glad to hear the positive....that you are stronger and adapting to your new life with your kids. You go girl!

I do wish you the best and know that this a difficult time for you. "Hugs" But I know in my heart you and your daughters will be ok. Life will go on. Wishing you and your daughters happiness in not only the simple things but the great big fun things too!


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## Crabby-Chicken (Feb 19, 2008)

I am sorry I missed the first of this Kim... But you are a brave woman and did what you need to do for you and your girls. It is sad when they can't even give you the dignity of the truth. I am sorry. You will be better than ever after this though.


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## wildoak (Feb 19, 2008)

Pretty much this exact scenario played out with a good friend of mine last year, only they had been married 35 years (and dated since they were 12). It's a tough road to hoe but she is better off now without him, and has found her inner strength. Sounds like you have done that already - you will be fine at the end of the day, and he will have lost something irreplaceable.

Jan


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## AppyLover2 (Feb 19, 2008)

Kim I've been there and know how totally devistating it can be. I found that the not knowing was the worst part.....once you know the truth you can do what needs to be done and get on with your life. It won't be easy but you're obviously a strong lady; you and your daughters can handle it. Remember.....today is the first day of the rest of your life.


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## Reijel's Mom (Feb 19, 2008)

GRRR!!! I'm so sorry that he's lied to you through this



. I'm very frustrated/angry FOR you!


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## minie812 (Feb 19, 2008)

I am glad that you found out the truth and kicked him out. He WILL regret it for sure and his sweetie is using him up and will spit him out after she is thru...or she would have been with him by now...Good Luck and I know you CAN move on!


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## Riverdance (Feb 19, 2008)

Kim.

I am so sorry for all you are going through, but so GALD that you have a backbone and kicked him out!!

I doubt that his relationship with this girl will amount to anything. How could either of therm ever trust the other since they were both cheating on someone.

I would certainly not pay any of his bills, like his truck. But you need to make sure that anything in your name gets paid, so that your own credit is not distroyed. Hopefully the truck loan is only in his name.

I would also hire a lawyer to file before he does.

Sounds like you are geting on with your life and doing things with the girls. YOU GO GIRL!! The best revenge on a cheating husband is to go on with your life like you do not need him, and icontinue to improve yourself and your life!!


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## Matt73 (Feb 19, 2008)

So sorry this has happened to you. The same thing happened in my family when I was 17. My dad was "shagging" someone at the office. It took a long time for us to get over it; my mom has never really gotten over the betrayal -17 years later!-. Sounds like you're a strong woman though. I'm sure you'll be just fine. Hang in there.

Matt


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## minimama (Feb 19, 2008)

Here are my couple of suggestions from my own experiences. Please take them for what ever they are worth to you. Make sure you cancel all credit cards. If you have any loans together you have to get that legally taken care of to put in one or the others name. And, file for divorce oe legal seperation immediately. If he were to take out a loan or credit card you could be held liable for anything he does unless you are divorced or legally seperated. Oh, don't forget any vehicles you might have as well. What about teh horses, are they in your name or both? You don't have to go to a lawyer to get divorced. You can go to a paralegal to have the papers typed up or you can do it by yourself but it is very techincal. Also, if you guys have a will together, you need to make sure you change all of that over too.

Ok, so on a more personal note. I am so very sorry you and your girls are having to go through his mid-life crisis. He may never come around and may never feel the sorrow he should feel, but, you will always know he is the one that lost out. On his beautiful daughters lives and on spending his life with someone so devoted to him.

You did a good thing kicking his rear to the curb like you did. He needed that wake up call. Hang in there!!


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## Sonya (Feb 19, 2008)

I'm so sorry that it came to that. Before, at least you had an image of a descent man and father...as you found out, it's just an image. I wouldn't buy for a second that he wasn't "with" this woman until after he told you he wanted out of the marriage, not that it really matters at this point or not. But to be on the safe side...I'd have some tests if I were you...if you know what I mean. My sister's cheating ex was nice enough to leave her with something nasty!

You will be fine..I can tell you are very strong and you will get through this. I'm glad you took the approach you did and taking care of you and your daughters by making him sign that paper. I wish you the best of luck and sending lots of prayers and hugs for your strength.


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## Marty (Feb 19, 2008)

My goodness you are quite a trooper! With guts and courage all over the place, not to mention class. You are amazing.

I do think this is one of those middle age menapausal things that guys go through when they think they are getting old and feel doomed. Betcha she is younger too. I also don't think this is going to last much longer and when he starts itching, he'll figure it out.

Just for the heck of it, I'd have to pay her a visit and clean her clock anyhow..........


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## mininik (Feb 19, 2008)

So sorry you're going through this.

In response to Marty's post about giving the other woman heck, I would keep in mind that if your husband was lying to YOU it's very likely that he is lying to her, as well. She may not know he is married, or perhaps he told her you're getting or already are separated. Just a thought... I do agree with Sonya on getting tested.


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## Mona (Feb 19, 2008)

Kim, I am so very sorry for all Allen has put you and the girls through. I fear this is only the beginning of a rough ride...I hope NOT, but be prepared. As my sister learned from experience....basically the same as what happened here with you, only her ex was not "honest" and "nice" all those years(21), he too agreed to support, alimony etc., and then he gave NOTHING. He is now a true deadbeat, that has contibuted next to nothing to the raising of his children. My sister maxed out credit cards trying to stay afloat to pay mortgage payment, pay household bills and provide heat and groceries...as a result, SHE had to claim bankruptcy, they lost their home, and she had to take him to court (at MORE expense to her, all because HE screwed around and ended things, and made promises not kept!) to get awarded a support judement, which he never paid anyway. The province took away his drivers licence for not paying his child support, and of course, everything bad happening to him because of it is my sister's fault.

Anyway, what I am saying, is I feel so bad for you, and I hope and pray things go well for you and your daughters, but please don;t count on him keeping his word...my sister also had it in writing, but in the end, when it went to court, it meant nothing.





(((((HUGS))))) to you, I wish you and your girls the best that life has to offer in your future!


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## sedeh (Feb 19, 2008)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Stay strong, get a good attorney! I'm glad your girls are supportive of you but remember he's still their father so try not to "poison" their minds towards him. You don't have to say nice things about him, but try not to say negative things in front of them. I'm with Mona.....unfortunately I don't think this is going to be as smooth an ending as you'd like. Be prepared, make sure you do the legal seperation including getting your finances seperated or you might end up getting sc#$%ed! Good luck, lots of hugs!


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## Basketmiss (Feb 19, 2008)

I was wondering how things were going?

Apparently not good!

Sorry he ruined your image of him. It was at least tolerable when you thought he just wanted out but to find out he lied to you about another woman is horrible! And spending YOUR money on HER!!

I think I would have cut off any protruding parts from his body! Or shoot them off with his prized gun!!

Then he couldnt use them with someone else!!

Do get things done quickly so he cant get anymore of your money or ruin your credit.

You should change banks, seperate from where he banks.

My friend was getting a divorce and her husband had a big truck loan at the same bank as her, well they took the money out of HER account (not with him) when he didnt make his payment! She told them she wasnt married to him anymore but her name was on that truck so they took HER money to pay his bill!! Incredible!!

So get your name taken off all his stuff because if he doesnt pay it will hurt your credit too... Sounds like he doesnt have any money so might not pay his bills on time..

Change those locks, unless you are home 24/7 he can still come in and take whatever he wants..

In these situations people do things you wouldnt think they would EVER do to you!

Keep your head up. I think you will be just fine, you are a strong woman and independent and you dont need him. Your daughters and yours relationship will be strong from coping together..

Good Luck and know we are here for you when you need a pick me up..


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## Bunnylady (Feb 19, 2008)

I didn't have time to respond to this when I first read it this morning (thanks to my mule, the whole NEIGHborhood knows when it's feeding time!) Probably a good thing - what I was thinking wasn't printable!

I'm reminded of a line from a character in a movie, something about "the nice thing about not having balls is not having to think with them all the time." I've had time to cool off a bit, and it strikes me now as almost funny. Not that I'm laughing at you, love - don't think that for a minute! What I mean is, we women get stuck with the "romantic" label all the time, if you ask me, men can be just as bad about the starry-eyed hogwash. Here he is, rattling on about "freedom" and "love," and you're thinking about car payments! Nothing quite like dollars and sense to get in the way of romance, eh?

Mentioning which, do you really think his little piece of squeeze is going to stick around? I think she'll be a whole lot less interested if her sugar daddy's cash dries up. I wonder how many other men she's "doing?"

Seriously, though, I'm sorry that it's come to this. Disillusionment hurts almost as much as the betrayal. You were quite right to show him the door, in my mind, it was about seven weeks past due! If he'd told me he'd always meant to leave after the kids were gone, I'd have let him have it right then! I'm not talking my fire-breathing Irish, I mean the ice-cold, implacable Dutch. My home is a haven for my family. If he feels that way, he ain't family! I couldn't imagine having him around, knowing he felt that way. I'd have told him never mind the repairs, I can pay someone else to do them. In the long run, it'd be cheaper, not having to put up with the emotional wear-and-tear of putting up with him! If he can't see that he's been using you for the last few weeks, well, he isn't even a little bit of a "good man." Even my husband says he's a jerk!

Having him around would have been like a cancer, eating away at my soul. Anger and hurt just stifle me. I can "work" when I'm mad, but I can't "create," if you follow me. This step is like surgery, painful, but neccessary. Now the healing can begin.

As always, keeping all of you in my prayers. ((((HUGS))))


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## lvponies (Feb 19, 2008)

Ok...I'm getting scared here!!! At one point in time, I probably would have said....no, no, no....Allen would never go back on his promises and commitments. He agreed to certain things, i.e. the house, child support, etc and I believe he will honor those commitments. Well he's broken his word to me in a very serious way and I am concerned that he won't keep his word about the other things, regardless of the paper he signed. In WV, no separation is required when you divorce. I am going to the courthouse on Thursday and buying a "divorce kit". You purchase this paperwork for an uncontested divorce for $25.00. We sit down and write out everything we agree to in the divorce....bills, child support, the house, etc. It takes 2 weeks for the divorce to be finalized and costs a total of $125.00. Allen and I will sit down and go through it all and we'll see if he still agrees to everything he has commited to. Once he signs it agreeing to everything we go in front of a judge and it becomes legal and we are divorced. I am scared he'll go back on his word. As I told him Sunday night, he lied about not getting involved with a woman while living here, so how can I trust him when he says he won't fight me for this property?? He of course, said that he would never take the house from me or force me to sell it and split the proceeds. I told him that I would give him 1/2 the proceeds from it's sale when I decided to sell it, but he said he didn't want that either. But.....until it's legal.....

I too don't feel the relationship with the other woman will last when she realizes he is homeless and penniless. It seems like Allen has given his entire heart to this woman in a very short time frame. He is a ripe candidate for having his heart yanked from his chest and stomped on. I feel it will happen at some point and only wish I could be there to see it!!



I would pay BIG money to witness that!!!

The truck payment worries me. The loan is in both our names. We just got the truck last summer, so not much has been paid on it so far. I recommended he take it back to Carmax where they'll buy your car even if you don't buy one of theirs. He told me that he would give me the payment due this Friday when he gets paid, but at that point he'll have had an entire week to think on it and could stiff me on that. I told him that we'll have to make this month's payment, but if he could get it sold before the next one was due at the end of March, then he wouldn't have to pay that any more. Guess I have to wait til Friday and see what happens. I am sincerely hoping & praying that the good man I respected all these years is still in there somewhere and he'll do right by me, but know that he may be gone to me. We have no credit cards, so don't have to worry about them. He can't get any money out of the bank account and I did open up an account in only my name and transferred all but enough to cover outstanding checks out of our joint account. The horses are all in my name. I make double what Allen makes. A friend of mine said he could ask for alimony from me. If he should do that, there is probably no way I could afford to keep this property. It's a really bad time to sell houses with the housing market being what it is, so know we wouldn't get what the property is worth if we sold it now. In order to do anything, Allen would have to have money to hire an attorney. Unless he borrows money from someone, don't know where he's going to get the money. I don't think his family will lend it to him, but he has borrowed from his boss before.

UGGGGGGG!!!! I just want this to be over!!! I'll get the divorce kit Thursday and then see if he'll come over this weekend to fill it out. I'm hoping he has enough guilt over what he's done to me and his daughters to be willing to fulfill these final commitments he made, but we'll see.

Oh......he hasn't told me anything at all about the other woman. Don't know who she is or where she lives so can't go clean her clock as much as I'd like to. As someone said, he could be lying to her too. She may not know he's still married with children. Bethany, my 15 year old, is convinced it's someone we know. No reason at all to think that, but she keeps bringing it up. I did ask Allen Sunday night if we knew her and he said no, but who knows what is the truth anymore?? His mind has totally turned to mush over this woman and at this point it seems like she is more important to him then his family is. It really makes me sick, but he'll get his one day. Every dog has his day. I may not be there to see it, but have all the faith in the world that it will happen. Karma....what goes around, comes around!!!





*Edited to add:

BTW.....I just got an email from Allen's mother. I had emailed her & his 3 sisters Sunday night to tell them what was going on and to give them Allen's cell phone # in case they needed to get in touch with him. His mom after hearing what he's done told me that "she doesn't blame me for putting him out"!!! Hopefully, if he decides to be a butt head, his mom will get after him!!


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## Sonya (Feb 19, 2008)

I'm wishing you the best, I hope he doesn't go back on his word...but it happens alot. Yes, do all this quickly before he has time to change his mind. He DOES owe you and his daughters everything he promised (and more), so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. As others have said, I wouldn't trust an iota of what comes out of his mouth. And if you can afford it, I'd go for a lawyer as well.

I would hope that no judge in his/her right mind would grant alimony to someone who was unfaithful...doesn't commitment mean anything these days????

I fully expect his new relationship to go absolutely no where as you and others have said.


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## babygoose (Feb 19, 2008)

I thankfully have no personal experience with this but a good friend is going through something similar. This friend is financially ruined because of it. She trusted her husband even though he was having an affair while still with her. Next thing she knows he charges $500 dollars on a credit card to take the girlfriend for a weekend getaway. He is not paying any bills he said he would pay, they are both in deep debt and he has ruined her credit. She is finally getting her divorce papers in order. So don't trust him at all with anything. Protect yourself and your children however you can. Talk to a lawyer about what you need to do to be safe financially.

Be strong. You'll be okay when this is finally all over.


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## anoki (Feb 19, 2008)

Ohhhhh, I am sooo, soooo sorry to read this.....






I don't think I can add anything than what has already been said. I do hope you keep in touch with his mother (as long as there is a good relationship there to begin with) for the sake of your children.....that is of course, if they want the relationship.

I could write you a long novel about what is going on with my grandparents....and they've been married well over 60 years



.....but I will save that for another time......

It's just soo sad....especially when it comes out of nowhere, and soo many times it seems to.

((((hugs)))) to you...please take care...I hope this is sorted soon for you

~kathryn


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## Denise (Feb 19, 2008)

Well you know how I feel about this whole situation. I hope he is having a hard time swallowing.





Hang in there!


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## lvponies (Feb 19, 2008)

Denise.....


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## RJRMINIS (Feb 19, 2008)

[SIZE=12pt]Kim {{{HUGS}}} to you! I am sorry he did this to you. But you sound very strong and prepared to do what you need to do. Hang in there![/SIZE]


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## AppyLover2 (Feb 19, 2008)

> Having him around would have been like a cancer, eating away at my soul.


 Bunnylady that was definitely a powerful statement. And it brings back such painful memories.
Kim I hope you don't mind one more comment. As far as any type of revenge or getting even is concerned please remember that the example you're setting for your daughters is one of strength....hopefully you'll continue to exhibit personal integrity too. Your daughters are learning from you during this time and the example you're setting will guide them through the rest of their lives. Please continue to conduct yourself in a manner that will allow both you and your girls to be proud of the way you handled things.


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## Matt73 (Feb 19, 2008)

I don't know what the laws are like over there, but if he was unfaithful wouldn't that basically mean you wouldn't owe him a dime -no alimony-. If you did, that's darn unfair.


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## lvponies (Feb 19, 2008)

Definitely need to call a locksmith tomorrow!!!! Bethany and I went to the gym. We stopped at the store on the way back and as we were leaving, he was arriving at the store. Didn't look at us or even act like he noticed us, but I know him and he did know we were there. Anyway got home and the little piece of paper I put in the front door was gone, so knew he'd been in the house. Came in and it was like he had acted like a little boy to make us aware he had been here. Toilet seat was up, papers next to my desk were rearranged, things in the master bedroom were moved around. Yep....wanted to make dern sure we knew he was here!!! Bethany is upset and says he's stupid. Says I should call him to tell him not to come into the house and give his key back. Says he's the one who hurt us, so why is he doing this to us? I told her it's better not to get in a fight with him as I know that's probably why he did it. It's better to just call the locksmith and get the locks changed. I WILL do that tomorrow!!! Hopefully someone can come out tomorrow and do it for me. He is such a childish jerk!!! He IS the one at fault here. We didn't do anything to deserve the way he treated us!!!!


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## susanne (Feb 19, 2008)

Kim, I am so sorry to read what you are going through.

I respect greatly how you have acted with honor and integrity and the good of your children through all of this, yet I worry that your trust that he is still a good man will hurt you in the end.

By all means continue to act with dignity and honesty, but at the same time protect yourself legally against all the terrible things that he could do.

Do not leave the house again until those locks are changed.

Tell him if he comes on the property without 24 hours notice you will get a restraining order.

Don't wait longer than this next paycheck to get your name off of that truck, one way or another. Don't wait around for him to sell it.

Even with a divorce kit, I would run it past an attorney to make certain you are protected. This sounds like divorce on training wheels, and you cannot afford any mistakes.

As others said, go to a DIFFERENT bank; don't just have a separate account at the same bank.

Take a good, hard look at what he could have taken or gained access to when he was in your house. He could do so much harm -- a friend's ex broke into their/her house and stole the hard drive from her computer, which nearly destroyed her business.

It is clear that you've placed great importance on believing in his goodness, but he has proven that he is not a good man. Demand proof on EVERYTHING. You need an advocate, someone who is knowledgeable about all the things he can do to you and your daughters.

Please take care,

susanne


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## CyndiM (Feb 19, 2008)

So many have given you good sound advise; I will only add* listen* to them he can NOT be trusted any more, if he feels your actions are going to hurt his relationship with his floozy he will retaliate aganist YOU.

Do not trust him any longer he has proven to you he no longer has the intregerty and honesty you have always thought him to have.

((((HUGS)))) Stay strong you and the girls can get through this.


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## nootka (Feb 19, 2008)

I am so sorry for all that you've been through, but you are sounding so strong and resolved and I admire you for that.

My best wishes to you...

Liz


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## The Simple Life Farm (Feb 19, 2008)

Been there, done that!!!!!

I will repeat what others have said, thinking if you hear it enough, you will know how really, really important that it is:

* Get your locks changed ASAP

* Get an attorney, you have children involved (divorce in-a-box won't do when you have kids, you don't want to takes chances with your girls)

* Don't ever trust another word he says

* Seperate your finances ASAP (loans, utilities, etc)

* Look out only for you and the girls.....screw him and his feelings!!!

* If he comes on your property, get a restraining order (let him know you are not fooling around, you mean business)

Seriously.... DO NOT PUT ANY OF THIS OFF!!!!! You have gotten some very good advice, learn from others that have had the misfortune to have gone through this.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this, but I think your anger will work in your favor right now. If you get phone call in the future from his creditors, give them his cell number, or call them now and give it to them. I would also give the his work address as his new home address!!!!

Now my mean streak comes out.... since I don't have kids, I would find out who this other woman is, and then proceed to tell her boyfriend!!! But, you have girls, and do need to set an example. (Maybe you could just send him some pictures, or a letter).

Good luck and keep us posted... we are here for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## jdomep (Feb 20, 2008)

Kim,

I am so sorry



I watched my mom go through this and you will make it just fine - theroad will be rough but the light at the end of this tunnel is a bright one. Your girls will be better women for watching their mom persevere with strength and dignity to be the best mom she can be.

And it will be VERY difficult for your girls to trust there dad again (and he doesn't have a clue that they may never respect him as long as he lives). My dad did this to mom 30 years ago and when he died 4 years ago I more mourned for the fact I was never able to tell him how it felt when he did that... I did love him but he knew the day he left - he lost All my respect and our relationship was never the same



Lost it all for a "little" on the side...

My thoughts and prayers are with you!


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## MiniforFaith (Feb 20, 2008)

Kim,

I am very sadden, and sorry to read what you are going threw. I went down this same road 10 yrs ago with my hubby. It was his sister's best friend who was also married..Her hubby came to my mom's( I moved back in with her with my 2 yr old at the time) and put a gun to my head in front of my son.. Because I was spreading rumors about his wife. They were not rumors, I caught them red handed one night after I moved out.. But after the divorce papers were delivered, she stopped all contact with him. The sister got what she wanted, and their "relationship" was over.

It is a very hard situtation.. You just have to stay strong for you and your girls.. Your actions already show that you are very strong.. Please do get your locks changed. For the safety and well fare of you and the girls. When the men are doing something like this- they already lost your trust. And they feel like they can still do what ever they want and will try to continue to do so. My hubby didn't try this with me, but a ex boyfriend did. I had to do the whole restraining order thing..

I ended up back with my husband and we remarried 3 yrs later. I still have major issues with him. I thought over the years, my feelings of hurt and mistrust would get better, but it hasn't.. She really burnt him, and he isn't close to his sister anymore. But our relationship was forever changed. The only thing that

came from us getting remarried is my dear sweet daughter, Faith.. The rest, well i still am not sure..I did what everyone else wanted and thought was best.. But I am not, and will never be truely happy..You can't be after going threw something like that.

But it has made me very strong.. I live for my children..

So, I know I went way off your topic. You can do this



YOu have your inner strength, and pull from that. Please, Please do get a lawyer. With the girls, all the money aspects, and your property. It would be in your best interest if you get everything taking care of with help..And please do change your locks ASAP..

Keep your chin up, and know that he is the one loosing everything.. The mistake he will be paying for the rest of his life..


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## Jeannie B (Feb 20, 2008)

Kim, I couldn't say anymore than what the other's here have said.

Please take what they say seriously Kim!

I have to admit that way back when this first started I, like Mary Lou thought he was'nt being truthful!

Having been through this a couple times I learned that in the beginning of a failed relationship people involved are as nice as pie. Take advantage of this Kim because right now he feels guilty but soon once he gets his courage up it can get bad. Get him while he's got guilt!!!!!

Like everyone else says, GET A LAWYER!!!!

Sit down and make a list of the things you want and while he is in this vulnerable state get him to sign your demands.

Might sound mean but hey he didn't care about what he has done to you and your family!

My neighbor is going through a simular problem. The wife left in this case and everything was nicey nicey at first. She said she didn't want anything at first. Now she is going for everything!!!!

I feel that once the person leaves and starts NOT feeling guilty anymore they will stop at nothing to get what they want!

I think he was being nice to you because he knows what he could lose if you found out!

He's not all that stupid because he found a way to make you believe everything he said!

You are a strong woman and I don't think your going to let him get away with this so please forget the instant lawyer and get a real one! Maybe even make an appointment for a consiltation with one to see where you stand.

We are all behind you Kim!


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## minie812 (Feb 20, 2008)

If your soon to be Ex came back into YOUR home while you were away, I would get a restraining order NOW...no matter how you think he will behave it is obvious that he is not thinking clearly. I believed my first hubby and all his crap and did not get a restraining order on him and he ended up breaking down my door and beating on me for about two hours (the kids were in school & he had broke up with his lil GF) so he was mad and took it out on me...do not think that he would NEVER do that because I thought the same way and BOOM....it can happen!


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## bfogg (Feb 20, 2008)

Kim,

I am very sorry for the awful hurt you and your poor girls are going through.

He well could have been a good man when he was actually thinking with his brain but when this happens they stop thinking with their brain and start just thinking with another part of their anatomy not known for it's ahem........intelligence.

And they will, as my mother said, cut out their own mothers heart and walk over her dead body to get to the piece of trash they are ...well you know.

So my point is he's not the man you know he is a piece of walking hormones.

Now not to trash all men( i love them and most are wonderful) i am lucky to have one.

A woman will do the same thing. And I cannot and will never understand how a woman can tear apart another womans family?How do they live with themselves?

Anyway, I have been so lucky.

But Kim listen to the great advice of those on here who have been there.

And remember you are awesome!!!

Hugs

Bonnie


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## Shortpig (Feb 20, 2008)

Not having read thru the all the posts I would like to add that the kit you have, be careful to require he supply medical insurance for children to continue till they graduate from college. He apparently has a good job and this shouldn't be an issue for him. He also needs to be responsible for any additional bills that come with their medical. I agree totally with the others, don't wait, hit him while he still feels somewhat guilty to sign and agree. Keep in mind he is probably getting major input from the other woman. Who knows what she wants from the relationship. After my separation from hubby he was nice enough to write me a letter threatening to drive the new vehicle you know where. Well, everyone knows never put it in writing. That letter was so used to my advantage. I got the house, I got the furniture I wanted he got the new vehicle with the hefty monthly payments. I got the restraining order against him. I got the dogs which were a blessing for me and my daughter to have. You might see if you can retain a lawyer that will go after him for all cost involved considering he is the one that moved out and took a new partner prior to any divorce

being filed. It is totally 100% his fault at this point. That shirt he is wearing should be yours. Let the new woman buy him a new one. She wanted him afterall. As you do not know her or her boyfriend. I advise you to stay away from their relationship. He will figure it out. You do not need to create what could be a very

dangerous situation for you and yours. Best of luck. Been there done that and life as a single person is so

much better. We were so much happier after a time and all the stress was gone.


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## lvponies (Feb 20, 2008)

Allen called me this afternoon to see how we're doing. Asked if I needed round bales put out for the horses which I did and then he came up and put them out for me. He sent Bethany a text message saying that he was sorry for hurting her and that he will love her forever. I think she appreciated that as he hasn't talked to her at all about our situation. He was really nice while here. Said he would bring by the truck payment this weekend. He's staying with his younger sister who went through almost the exact same scenario I'm going through. She lived with a man for 15 years, raised his children for him and they were building a beautiful brick home. The man cheated on her and Allen's sister never got to live in the brick house. His sister lives directly across from their parents.

No.....I haven't let my guard down at all, but it was the old nice Allen who was here today. I will stay on guard and work on everything I'm supposed to be working on. The locksmith did come today and put a keyed dead bolt on the front door. Allen didn't comment on it.

He did say that he's hoping to hold onto his truck. Will need to get a loan in only his name so I'm not responsible for it if he decides to do that.


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## Elsa (Feb 20, 2008)

Just wanted to say I commend you for holding up so well and being such a great role model for your girls in this sticky situation. I hope things work out for you and he doesn't cause you any legal troubles.


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## Reijel's Mom (Feb 20, 2008)

I think, as others have said, it's in your best interest to keep things REAL nice right now, as angry and resentful as you MUST be feeling inside. Sounds like he's feeling guilty, as he should be.

If it turns ugly it's just easier for him to get angry with you and focus on that, and then use that anger to justify not giving you every last thing that you and the girls are entitled to.


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## lvponies (Feb 20, 2008)

You know......I was extremely angry and filled with rage on Saturday & Sunday when I found out about the affair. Now....I'm just sad. I'm sad that my daughters have to go through this, I'm sad that Allen felt he needed something new & different to be happy instead of trying to find happiness here with us, I'm sad that my life is changing. Hind sight is 20/20 and I know there is absolutely nothing you can do to change the past. Just wish....things had been different, that I hadn't taken him for granted, that I had appreciated him more and let him know how grateful I was to him for what he did for us, that I had recognized that he was unhappy and did something about it before it was too late. I do realize as I wish these things, that probably nothing I could have done would have made a difference. All I can hope now is that I learn from what we're going through and maybe try to do things differently if there is ever a next time for me. I'm just sad.....


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## Boss Mare (Feb 20, 2008)

I have been following this since the start, but haven't posted..

One thing to say..

You go girl!!


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## Sonya (Feb 20, 2008)

> things had been different, that I hadn't taken him for granted, that I had appreciated him more and let him know how grateful I was to him for what he did for us, that I had recognized that he was unhappy and did something about it before it was too late


Please DO NOT blame his insecurities and selfishness on yourself! One person can not make another person happy if they are not happy with themselves. He has issues...not you!


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## h2t99 (Feb 20, 2008)

What Sonya said is so true!! You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anything else!!! Do not blame yourself for his unhappiness, this new person will not make him happy either. You should consider going to counseling and even your girls to. Keep your head up!


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## Mom2Cami (Feb 21, 2008)

I've had you on my mind so much...I'm very sorry, but you are a very strong person and will (in time) be just fine and Allen will realize how he has sooooo made the wrong decisions.


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## Bunnylady (Feb 21, 2008)

Being angry helps you focus on what you need to do right now, but it doesn't make the pain go away forever, does it? I'm sad, too.





I'm glad to hear that everybody is "making nice," there's nothing to be gained by ripping each other up. Do what you need to do to look after yourself and your girls, don't waste too much time on "could have, would have, should have." Allen is, after all, still the guy you fell in love with all those years ago, the only reason you're seeing him with new eyes is, now you know just how stupid he can be. I hope and pray you don't also find out just how nasty he can be. You're a real class act, girl. ((((Hugs))))


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## lvponies (Feb 24, 2008)

As Bonnie said, "And they will, as my mother said, cut out their own mothers heart and walk over her dead body to get to the piece of trash they are ...well you know."

I talked to Allen today and he told me that the woman he's messing around with is the girlfriend of a friend of his who I have met. Never met her he said, but I've met the man. I told him that there is a special place in Heck for the 2 of them!!!! I can more believe that he would cheat on me then cheat with a friend's girlfriend!! OMG!!!! He is such scum!!! Still saying "it just happened"!!! What a total JERK he his!!! Never, ever thought he would get involved with a friend's girlfriend!!! What the heck happened to Allen?? Allen said it would all come out this week. Guess the woman told her boyfriend that she's moving out, but didn't say it's because of another man. Allen said he didn't want to tell me who it is because he didn't want me making any calls. Said he was protecting his girlfriend so the guy doesn't beat her up. Isn't that just so sweet??? Awwwww!!!! LOVE!!!! This is all just too, too weird. This is not the Allen I knew and loved for all those years. I don't know this person at all. It's like what's happening is happening to someone else.....on TV or in a book or something. I just can't process it or understand what has happened to him to make him do this. He would never have betrayed a friend like that. Never!!!

I asked if he was going to marry her and he laughed and said no. Asked if they were going to live together and he said no. I'm just not understanding this whole thing. Not understanding what has happened to him. Has he been capable of this all along and I never saw it in him? He has always been very loyal to his friends. He still sees friends he had in high school on a regular basis. If a friend has asked for his help, he's always been there for him. This isn't the man I knew & loved all those years. I don't know this man at all. I don't know what happened to the good man I cared for. I JUST CANNOT BELIEVE HE HAS DONE THIS!!!! What happened to him??? Is he just a walking hormone now and is willing to do anything to be with this woman??? I am totally disgusted with him. Has he gone insane??? I just don't get it at all!!


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## barnbum (Feb 24, 2008)

I predict it'll only be a matter of time before he shakes his head, snaps back to reality, regrets everything, and wants his old wonderful life back.

Be prepared.

You're doing great!!


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## lvponies (Feb 24, 2008)

Before I knew he was cheating with a friend's girlfriend, I mailed him a letter at his sister's where he's staying. Part of the letter said the following:

*You will get yours one day and you’ll know exactly how I feel now. Every dog has his day. I may not be there to see you get yours, but I have all the faith in the world that you will!!! Karma, Allen!!! Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. You will get yours one day!!!! You feeling the pain you’ve inflicted upon us will fill me with more happiness then you’ll ever find with your cheating lying girlfriend!!! I can’t wait for the day to get here!!!! I can’t wait for you to experience what I’ve had to go through!! Because you will, I guarantee it!!! Maybe when that happens to you, you will finally truly understand what you’ve done to us. At that time, I expect you to come to me and give me the honest apology I deserve and that the girls deserve from you. An apology born out of total understanding of what you did to us.*


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## Brandi* (Feb 24, 2008)

I am happy to see you releasing your anger. There is no way of healing without getting angry first. You go girl! What you said in your letter is totally true!!!! He is scum and anyone who knows what he has done will no longer respect him. I don't know if this has been asked before but, are you sure this is the first time? I would think not since he has been lying about EVERYTHING



Keep hanging in there!!!! All of us are really proud of you


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## zoey829 (Feb 24, 2008)

I am so sorry for everything going on. It is so hard. I really hope one day your girls can repair that realtionship. Even though he has hurt you ( and them) they deserve thier father in thier life. What he is doing is wrong and they will see that but I am sure he still loves them. Even if he is acting like an idiot. I am so proud how strong you are are. I admire your strength and keep plugging away. My favorite quote, "ANd this too shall pass"


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## Charley (Feb 25, 2008)

Kim, I am so sorry. This is so hard on you. Please take care of yourself and get mad and cry and let it out. I hope it will get easier soon and hurt less in time.


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## Cathy_H (Feb 25, 2008)

I am sorry to hear that the trust you had in your spouse is gone! I have not been where you just came from but I would imagine you have crossed the hardest part of it all! You are right, a relationship does not just happen!!! Best of luck to you & your family.


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## CritterCountry (Feb 25, 2008)

I think I posted on one of your other threads saying this is exactly what my dad did to my mom, and it has something to do with the man wanting to suddenly relive their youth and feel younger.

I remember thinking then, that Allan had another woman due to the evidence he was leaving but I didn't want to discourage you. The exact same scenario happened to my parents. My dad lied and said there was no other woman and it turns out he'd had the other woman for years and I had been babysitting for her all along.

My mom looked for and found the evidence and went so far as to tail him wherever he went. She caught him several times. I told her that snooping and tailing him was not a good idea, as he could charge her for stalking. She did all this after they split, but you of all people know, what goes on in your head whether the guy is still with you or not. You want to KNOW. And I understand that.

My dad did the same thing as Allan, stayed home and they played War of the Roses for a while, so he could get free food, bills paid, free lodging and have his laundry done. When my mom kicked him out finally he did the same thing, said he had nowhere to go. My mom told him to go to a motel like he had done all the other times just to cheat on her.

Your story really hits home. It happens every day to women all over the world. It just sucks that men think that we, as woman, as so stupid and gullible. Most of the time it is too easy to see through their lies.

I wish you the best of luck and kudos to you for kicking him to the curb!


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## Laura (Feb 26, 2008)

lvponies said:


> As Bonnie said, "And they will, as my mother said, cut out their own mothers heart and walk over her dead body to get to the piece of trash they are ...well you know."
> 
> I talked to Allen today and he told me that the woman he's messing around with is the girlfriend of a friend of his who I have met. Never met her he said, but I've met the man. I told him that there is a special place in Heck for the 2 of them!!!! I can more believe that he would cheat on me then cheat with a friend's girlfriend!! OMG!!!! He is such scum!!! Still saying "it just happened"!!! What a total JERK he his!!! Never, ever thought he would get involved with a friend's girlfriend!!! What the heck happened to Allen?? Allen said it would all come out this week. Guess the woman told her boyfriend that she's moving out, but didn't say it's because of another man. Allen said he didn't want to tell me who it is because he didn't want me making any calls. Said he was protecting his girlfriend so the guy doesn't beat her up. Isn't that just so sweet??? Awwwww!!!! LOVE!!!! This is all just too, too weird. This is not the Allen I knew and loved for all those years. I don't know this person at all. It's like what's happening is happening to someone else.....on TV or in a book or something. I just can't process it or understand what has happened to him to make him do this. He would never have betrayed a friend like that. Never!!!
> 
> I asked if he was going to marry her and he laughed and said no. Asked if they were going to live together and he said no. I'm just not understanding this whole thing. Not understanding what has happened to him. Has he been capable of this all along and I never saw it in him? He has always been very loyal to his friends. He still sees friends he had in high school on a regular basis. If a friend has asked for his help, he's always been there for him. This isn't the man I knew & loved all those years. I don't know this man at all. I don't know what happened to the good man I cared for. I JUST CANNOT BELIEVE HE HAS DONE THIS!!!! What happened to him??? Is he just a walking hormone now and is willing to do anything to be with this woman??? I am totally disgusted with him. Has he gone insane??? I just don't get it at all!!


Maybe the guy will skip the girlfriend and just knock the heck out of Allen? We can hope


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## shane (Feb 26, 2008)

WOW-------- STAY STRONG !!!! kIM

and good luck to you whatever comes your way


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