# I'm going to be a grandmother and would love advice!



## Marty (Aug 5, 2011)

First off, Its a girl!! She's due in January. I don't even know about baby girls but I plan to find out and give it my best shot. I could not have hand picked a nicer girl for him. She's lovely, articulate, smart, pretty, and respectful. Her goal was to be a swat team cop like her father, but since she is pregnant, her sense of self preservation kicked in so not sure what she will do about that now.

I can see the problem is going to be with ME! I have it in my head that this is MY BABY. That this baby was sent here for me because that is what I had hoped for these past 5 years. A way to get another chance at raising a child. We could not be foster parents or adopt so of course I hoped Dan would get pregnant and now he is. My wish has been granted. So the baby is coming for me. Right?

Back to planet earth, I know its their baby but they need to share! A lot! Dan has already reminded me a million times its their baby to raise and make all the decisions and I'm the grandmother and he wants me to back off. So how do I be a super good grandmother without being a complete nuscience? How do I know when I'm crossing the line?


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## SHANA (Aug 5, 2011)

Well first of all congrats. I am a mom of 2 and a few words of advice. Some things that annoy me when my mother or mother in law are around is them telling me do this, do that, you are doing it wrong and keep going on and on and on. Did I tell them how to raise their own kids, nope so let me raise mine my way. I really find that annoying so probably your son will also find it annoying. Now you can suggest stuff but if your son doesn't agree don't push it. I know babysitters are welcome so offer to babysit all you can so that your son and his girlfriend(not sure if married) have time away from the baby to enjoy time to themselves. I still enjoy getting away from the kids now and then. Actually I am going to a fair on wednesday for 5 days and am leaving my 6 month old with my mom for the 5 days. The oldest who is 2 years old is coming with us as he is showing, doing leadline, costume, etc and his dad is watching him since his dad doesn't show, goes for the demolition derby and tractor pulls, etc and to visit with the tractor dealers. Our 2 year old loves trucks, cars, tractors, etc so will be glued to his dads side. Anyway enjoy your grandaughter and congrats again.


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## CharlesFamily (Aug 5, 2011)

Congratulations!! You are going to be a wonderful Grandma and that baby girl is going to LOVE you! Now you get a chance to raise a horse crazy little girl!






It sounds like you and Dan have a really great communication, so I am betting he will let you know when you are crossing the line. If you find yourself spending more time at their house than your own, that might be an indication! LOL Otherwise, we come from a very close family, too. We all bond together to raise the kids and I would have had a hard time if it weren't for my parents. They babysat both of my girls while I worked, so I was very blessed to have that.

There are times I do get irritated with my mother - she is still my mom and still wants to try and tell me what I need to be doing even though my girls are now almost 13 and 9. So I guess that would be the biggest thing - they need to be given the chance to do things their way - even if it isn't your way as long as what is going on isn't endangering anyone, then the baby will survive!

I can't wait to see pictures of this new baby in January!

Barbara


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## AnnaC (Aug 5, 2011)

Firstly HUGE CONGRATULATIONS!!!!














Next. As Dan says, back off!!

Dont 'drop in' when passing, wait to be invited, and then never outstay your welcome!

If you want to buy gifts - and you will - then watch what she (does she have a name by the way?) uses/dresses her baby in and buy an extra of those things.

When visiting, never turn round and say 'ooo Grandma's turn for a hold', wait until you are asked if you would like a cuddle - and then offer to return the baby to its Momma or Poppa (you might just get told that you can keep cuddling a bit longer!)

Never say 'I used to do it this way and it worked for me' unless asked.

Never disturb baby when it is asleep - this might mean not even creeping into its room for a little looksee!

After the first invited visit, just thank them sincerely, make them know that you are there for them and willing to help in any way, then ask them to give you a phone when next it would be convenient for you too visit, and leave.

If you can manage at least some of the above, then you will be the G/Mother from heaven. If you can manage ALL of them, then I bet within a couple of weeks you will find yourself most welcome at ANY time, because they have realised that you will happily follow THEIR baby rules and not outstay your welcome!! (those who sow small seeds of trust, reap a huge crop of benefits in the future.



)

Have a wonderful time Marty, a new life IS on its way for YOU!


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## dianemcc (Aug 5, 2011)

Marty you sound just like my mother in law... Before Hunter she had 12 grandkids.. They all lived way but 3 of those kids.. She did not get to see them that much.. Me and Robby got together dated for 5 years had Hunter and got Married... I got where I would not answer the phone when she would call. But one day I had to answer the phone...We are a very close family she has been out of Robby's family for over 30 years.. SHe would call his aunt to see if I was home if I did not answer the phone..lol ... She has always told me how to do things.. I have listen to her she has help me out with Hunter.. SHe would watch Hunter when I was going to tech school. and when I worked.. As my family lives 2 to 5 hours away from me... I will not forget when I thought Hunter's belly looked funny Robby was at a horse show and I called her she raced on over all she could do was laugh at me because there was nothing wrong with his belly... we still laugh about it today..She is the best.. Just tell them what you have to say if they like they will take it. If not they will not listen to you.. they will need you.. but they might not tell you that.. But they will come to you... Just enjoy that little baby.. Cant wait for the pics. Know I have a question for you will she be our next 7 and under at the horses show in TN..


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## New mini (Aug 5, 2011)

Congratulations!! I am the Grandmother of 5 boys and it is great to be a Grandmother. All the joys of haveing a baby around but none of the problems when they arise. I have been fortunate to have my Grandsons everyday when they were little. Still have one now but he will start school in the fall. Both my daughter and Son-in-law, of 3 of the boys) work so I got to take the boys durning the day. The best advice I can give you is to be there when they need help and suggestions. I am sure that questions will come to you about how you do this and that but remember it is their final decision on what they do. My oldest Grandson(15 years old) and I have a special bond and he will do anything for me. Just be the best Grandma you can be and the rest will take care of itself.


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## MeganH (Aug 5, 2011)

Congratulations!





You have already gotten some great advice! Very smart to come on here and get it so you can know before hand what is best so you can be an awesome grandmother!

Another word of advice is when you are asked to look after or are taking care of your grand baby that you do things how you are asked to and NOT the way you would do it. If they give you instructions respect them or it could be trouble.


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## billiethekid40 (Aug 5, 2011)

Ditto everything AnnaC said, and also:

-Watch the "you have to" and "you can't" statements. You would be surprised how much variation there is in parenting styles between children, between families and between generations. Things that were "proven" when my parents were raising us have been "disproven" by further research. What worked for you may not for them, and they may do things you would never have dreamed of but I can guarantee you that they will have their own very good reasons for every choice they make!

-Remember that they won't be perfect at this from the beginning and don't offer to take over. They will learn and get more comfortable with their child as the days and diaper changes pass. If they ask for advice, offer to explain how before offering to show and then let them try it on their own first.

-Don't be offended if they don't follow your advice, even if they asked for it.

-Try to remember to do things their way, not "grandma's way"

-HAVE FUN! Congratulations! Don't go sweating it all now, families have a way of sorting themselves out if you just take things as they come. Babies change so fast that by the time you think you've got them all figured out a whole new set of changes happens and you start all over LOL


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## a mini dream come true (Aug 5, 2011)

:yeahCongradulations!!! Great advice from everyone.




You will be a wonderful Grandma

Not trying to steal your thread, but I will be a GreatGrandma in January and my Granddaughter has asked me to be there for her delivery. Families are the greatest and they always work out the how's and whys and whatfores.


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## Equuisize (Aug 5, 2011)

Marty - Congratulations.

You are going to be bonkers waiting on this baby girl to be born.

We got a new grandson, last January. In the months preceeding his

birth I felt like I was humming inside, all the time with excitement.

_Planning how I thought it'd be._

My basic advice is to remember how you felt when Michael and Dan

were born, about advice from what was then the 'older generation'.

If you didn't like it, don't be like that.

Our baby Miles will be 7 months tomorrow and my son and his wife,

who are, nowdays, older parents themselves (in their mid 30's, with

their first baby are still very centered on them being a family unit.

They both work in high stress jobs so week ends are their time for

making up the time they miss during the week, with Miles.

I understand that.

What I am doing quietly on my own end in between fewer visits than

I'd like is, I started collecting Schleich farm toys at the feed store

for him. I find I make excuses to go to the feed store to get something

for the horses or dogs just so I can choose another toy.

Makes me feel like I am doing something for him.

They are suggested for ages 3 and up....by the time he is 3 he'll have

the most fantastic farm set of any little kid, ever.

We also donate to his GET Fund for his college education....

Maybe there is something you'd like for her to have and set about collecting

that for her to enjoy as she gets older.

In the meantime I'm waiting till they just mellow out a bit - not that

I want them to care less for him, just open the circle a bit more.

Her mother feels the same way.

I try to remember the magic of how I felt as a first time Mom and let

that mellow me, in the time being. It'll happen, just is slow when

you're the one waiting.

I know grandparents that get no rest at all, cause their kids just don't

seem to want to raise their own kids and can't wait to unload them on

the grandparents so they can get back out doing what they want.

Somewhere in between would be a nice balance.

It'll all work out....


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## susanne (Aug 5, 2011)

.

CONGRTULATIONS, GRANDMA!

From what you've written, you already know the most important lesson: Be there for them, but let THEM be the parents.

Let them come to you, and they will.

And have FUN spoiling that little baby girl!

.


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## Reble (Aug 5, 2011)

CONGRATULATIONS What an amazing gift..

Now they will need two of everything. One for their home and one for YOUR'S..

I have a little childs room made up first was a crib, and all their needs.

Than a toddlers bed, and now a futton bed.. she now says when am I going to

Nana's house have to help papa feed the horses...

You will be fine, just enjoy enjoy.. no child can ever get too much love.

I am sure her parents will be understanding this is their first, and yours too (Grand baby and a girl) tee hee..... Hurray.


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## rimmerpaints (Aug 5, 2011)

CONGRAT! As for a girls there so fun! Being a grandmom i the best you spoil and send them home!!!!


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## Ashley (Aug 5, 2011)

What rimmer said is my moms motto. As many know i am currently pregnant, and for my mom this will be her 17th grandchild. She has never really commented to any of us on how to raise the kids. More or less just giggles and points out when they act just like their parents did. Emma finally is totally about my mom only have 2 years of trying. The baby might not be to thrilled about you for awhile. NOw Emma crys if she cant see grandma or if we stop and grandma isnt home. She knows where grandmas stash of fruit snacks is.


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## Miniv (Aug 5, 2011)

Marty,

You are going to have so much FUN! But you're right (and Dan is) about letting them be the parents. But YOU get the BEST JOB!





For us, we rarely did "drop in visits", but it wasn't really necessary. There were always reasons for Grandma and Grandpa to babysit. Initially, when Jess was just out of the hospital, they appreciated having someone just being there to help with meals, etc. After a few weeks I got to babysit either at their place or here, just depended.

I've always asked them "are you sure?", "what do you think about...?", "how do you do/plan about this?"..... It's always the parent's call.

Ashley, Hannah, and Brenden (ages 8, 7, 5) now live 2 hours from us. Until two years ago they lived close by and we BABYSAT several times a month. Since then it is now a monthly visit either here or we go up there, but I still have one of them running up to me with, "Grandma, Can I do/go....???" But with their mom or dad close by I ALWAYS tell the kids -- "Ask your folks if it's okay.".......

Grandma and Grandpa only intervene if there is a safety issue or if the parents aren't present.


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## shorthorsemom (Aug 5, 2011)

Marty, you are the BEST! Congratulations, can't wait for you to share photos and stories, I love your stories, new chapter of of your life of course, you will be a terrific grandmother and it is cool that you sharing with us your excitement...

I know with first borns, parents can be a bit over the top, I know I was. Boiling everything, reading the book, nobody else can possibly give the right advise... and you want to do it all yourself. A few weeks of sleepless nights generally chase away the "I want to do it myself",

On grandmoms, my kids have two... My mother in law respected my wishes... even if she disagreed with what I was doing, she never said a word. She didn't flood me with stories of how she did things, she smiled and listened and was sooooo supportive right from the first. If I left directions, she followed them. Car seats, little head support pillows, little things that prop the baby on their sides when sleeping, taking turns walking the crying baby, everything... hard to explain, but she was really there for me and made me feel like I still had control of the decisions, but it wasn't long that I was asking her for help, and advice and I was thrilled at everything she did with my daughter and still does with all three of our kids. She is patient and sweet and she has earned unlimited time with our children and she is a part of our lives every day still.

My mom on the other hand, was bossy, kept telling me I was silly, rolled her eyes alot, and kind of snorted when I told her how I wanted something done.... She said "I raised 4 children and I do think I know a bit more than you....", I felt like she didn't listen to me and didn't respect me. I didn't want vasaline or talcum powder on my baby and didn't want to hear how great that was "when she had kids"...

One story I remember when my daughter was a toddler and my mom brought M&M's to her for Easter and I told her that I wasn't allowing my daughter to have chocolate yet, then when I went in the other room my friend sees my mom trying to stuff an M&M in my daughters mouth... She stopped my mom saying, what are you doing??, she just told you no... and my mom explains that I was being silly and she was trying to give my daughter the M&M while I was out of the room to prove to me that I was just being silly depriving her grandaughter like that.

When I came back and found out she didn't even look guilty, she said that the M&M was the size of a cheerio and she didn't do anything wrong and that I was the one with the problem.

I could go on and on... you get the gist. My mom also would take away "firsts" for us. I remember my sister in law crying her eyes out when my mother baby-sat her daughter and cut her baby hair for the first time. My nieces hair was long and the ends were jagged and my sister in law would brag that the baby had "never had her hair cut since she was born"..

My mom didn't like how the ends were not straight so she cut the baby's hair and couldn't understand why my sister in law was so upset... My mom's answer... Well I put the hair pieces in a baggie for her... I say, leave the "firsts" to the parents unless they invite you. I once heard a friend tell her mom that if the baby walks the first time while you are babysitting, I don't want to know. Please let me have my "firsts".

Marty, you will be an awesome grandmother. I hear your caring heart in every posting you write.

Enjoy your baby grandaugher when she arrives and for many years to come!


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## Sunny (Aug 5, 2011)

Oh, Marty!!! CONGRATULATIONS to you and all the family! This baby will an extra special blessing for all of you.

I can't really add any advice because what you've heard here has been excellent. I'm positive, though, that you will be the model grandmother!! You'll know exactly what to do and what not to do, and Dan and his wife will bring the baby around or invite you over so often. Your family is such a tight and loving one, I don't think you'll have anything to worry about.

I hope the pregancy will be an easy and comfortable one.... for all of you! LOL Congratulations again!! <<<HUGS>>>


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## disneyhorse (Aug 5, 2011)

Welll..... *as a first-time mom with twins... and living with my mom who is a first-time grandma....*

I think you will be just fine. My mom says she feels like my kids are "hers" and she definitely takes a lot of care of them. BUT I am very VERY grateful for the help!

I think you've gotten a lot of good advice so far! Just be respectful if they say they want to raise their kid a little "different" but just be the most loving, positive influence you can for the little girl.

If you need any advice about stuff to buy, just ask... I've got two infants here right now trying out all sorts of things and I've come up with some things I couldn't live without!!!

Above all... just love the heck out of that littler girl! There are lots of kids out there without a loving family





Yay Marty!!!

Andrea


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## little lady (Aug 6, 2011)

Congratulations Marty!! Everyone has already given you fantastic advise. You are in store for one of the most amazing and special times of your life. Three and a half years ago I became a Grandma for the first time and now have two grandsons. When they come over and get out and come running yelling mama, mama and hug my legs and then quickly state, "Let's go to the barn" there are no words to express the joy in my heart.



Enjoy that bundle of joy and things will fall into place, you will quickly find Grandma's place in the scheme of things.


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## CZP1 (Aug 6, 2011)

Congratulations to you and Hus!! What wonderful news for Dan and his girl! You will be the best Grandma and be yourself! That is who you are!


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## Connie P (Aug 7, 2011)

My advice to you Miss Marty;

SPOIL HER ROTTEN AND SEND HER HOME!


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## Lindi-loo (Aug 8, 2011)

CONGRATULATIONS 



 .Im sure you will get it right whatever you decide to do..dont forget the most important thing of all "enjoy" as they grow up so quickly..my grandaughter is almost 5 arghhh..where did that go


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## Reijel's Mom (Aug 8, 2011)

AWW! Marty I'm SO happy for you!!!

You are one smart cookie, so I think that you will do just fine with this g'ma stuff!!! You already know that everyone is an individual, and this is a situation where you are just going to have to learn what works for your family. Even though I think the majority of the advice offered here is GREAT, as a fairly new mommy (my lil girl will be 2 in September), I can say, some of it is not how I would want MY mother-in-law or mother to behave. For example, I think my feelings would have been hurt if my mom or mother-in-law didn't just want to grab up the baby anytime they saw her when she was an infant. But now that my baby's a toddler, she definitely wants/needs her space when she is first around any extended family, as it takes her awhile to warm up, but most of my in-laws just do not listen to me when I request that and it drives me mad and makes for a not very successful interaction

Just keep those lines of communication open with Dan and his significant other; respect what they request; and you will be fine!!!


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## weebiscuit (Aug 10, 2011)

Well, of COURSE this is going to be YOUR child! LOL! I don't know how close you live to Dan, but if you are within a short distance, by the time that child is three you'll probably be the most important person in her life! LOL!

Grandparents are just so special. I have six grandkids. One is married, the other is 19, then there is a 14 and 9 year old who are in Georgia, but the two youngest (8 and 3) live right here, across our hayfield! There is rarely a day that goes by that we don't see them. I drive my four wheeler down there once or twice a day and I'll take them for a ride or up to my house so their mom can do her aerobics or clean house. It works out to everyone's advantage.

What i never ever do is give my opinion about anything! But I don't really need to because my son and his wife are the best parents I've ever seen. We all go out to eat once a week, and my husband and I spend an evening or two each week down there as they'll have a firepit going and we'll sit around and talk. My 8 year old granddaughter told me once that she was the luckiest person in the world to have her grandparents living within shouting distance. That made me feel great!

I have a drawer in a hutch that I've filled with coloring books, crayons, colored pencils, stencils and stickers. That's "their" drawer, for when they come over and the weather isn't good outside. I also have what i call a "treasure box" for them. It's got all kinds of craft-type stuff to do, plus Hot Wheel cars for the 3 year old boy, marbles, clay, dinosaurs, books.. just all kinds of things.

I also have a drawer in the kitchen they can both reach... always filled with Oreos (their favorites), Snickers bars, mints and other treats. Their mom doesn't buy many sweets for them, but she knows I have the "sweet drawer" and is fine if I indulge them.

Here's another thing I do... I have a big plastic container, and I cashed in about twenty dollars into dimes at the bank. I put all the dimes in the jar, and every time they come here they get a dime when they do something nice, like putting their color books away, or throwing candy bar wrappers in the garbage and not leaving them on the table, or carrying a dirty dish to the sink. I gave them jars to keep at home to put their dimes in. When they have earned 15 dimes I take them to Dairy Queen for a treat. They have to pay their 15 dimes towards the treat, and they love doing it because they know they earned that money. And those dimes add up fast because they are here so often.

Today they helped us pick up rocks left on the creek bank after a rip rap project so they both got another dime. They get really excited over this. LOL. It's fun for all of us, though.

Another thing we do is "nature hunts" outside. I'll write a list of things they have to find, like a scavenger hunt. Feathers, mushrooms, a hickory nut, a maple leaf, a wild blackberry or honeysuckle berry. We'll walk along the trails and it's a great way of teaching them what trees, berries, birds, etc. we have around here. I also take photos of all the wildflowers in the woods and fields and I've made a "field guide" book for the 8 year old girl. She takes the book along and looks for the pictured flowers as we walk, and then she writes down where she saw it and the date. This way she learns all the woodland and prairie flowers.

I also made a "critter book" for her.. basically the same as the flower book. I capture snakes I find around here and photograph them and label them. Same with toads, frogs, spiders, beetles, raccoons, possums, squirrels, chipmunks and all the other critters I find around here. I want her to learn the names of the stuff most people pass by... like different spiders and frogs and other things, along with all the songbirds.

There are just so many things you'll think of that will suit your own situation, and you will have the best time of your life with that little girl!


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## Marty (Aug 10, 2011)

Well at the moment, Dan doesn't live too far from me. Down the hall, last door on the left! But he should be moving out pretty soon now into a rental until he saves more money for a down payment for something. I never thought I'd see the day when I wanted him to move out of my house but its time now for him to go make his starter family home so I'm ready to let him go now. Ashley and I are going tomorrow to look at places to rent. And I'm wanting to here some blasted wedding bells too already DANIEL! You hear me? ugh....

I simply adore his Ashley. I could not have hand picked anyone better for him if I tried. She's so feminine but ever inch as tought and redneck as they come at the same time. She said still wants to be a Swat Cop eventually and go shoot bad guys. She has been the only person in the past 5 years of his grief that has managed to make him smile and laugh his head off again. When she comes into the room, he lights up like a Christmas tree. I love being around her.

This is a lot of good advice here. A lot of the advice and ideas actually sound like just how I raised my boys. I kept it simple and hopefully meaningful. My mom was the most perfect grandmother ever and I hope I can be atleast half of how wonderful she was to my boys. I can't wait to teach her how to play piano, carve a pumpkin and decorate with Christmas lights. I"m considering training Baby Chrissy to saddle so she can learn to ride on her. Glad I kept all my helmuts.


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## Connie P (Aug 11, 2011)

I'm SO proud of you Marty! I just wanted you to know that!


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