# This is going to be personal, but I have no one



## lvponies (Jan 14, 2008)

I have no friends. I've worked from home for the last almost 10 years and I have no people close to me to talk to. My mother has passed away, so don't have her either. So, wonderful forum members, my only family, I am coming to you with my troubles.

So.......my husband of 17.5 years has told me that he no longer loves me and hasn't loved me for a long time. He cares about me, but isn't "in love" with me. He says he isn't happy and wants to move on. He says there is no one else and that he doesn't feel he is capable of being "in love" with anyone. He wants to be on his own with no one to "report" to. He's always been since I've known him, very closed up with his feelings. Non-demonstrative & closed up with his feelings. So, this has come as a total shock to me. He says he's not happy. We went through an awful lot in 07. He had a heart attack a year ago, my oldest daughter's legal problems & drug problems. 07 was a really bad year and I had really hoped that 08 would be better. Guess not!! It's an awful feeling to be told that you are no longer loved. I always thought that down deep he loved me. Now he's saying that after all these years that he's never felt "in love" with me. We're both 47 years old. Mid-life crisis maybe??

I don't know what to do. I've never been alone. This is all extremely fresh as he told me this on the phone at 6:00 this morning. My initial thoughts are that we will have to get this place ready for sale, sell the horses and find somewhere else to live. We've lived here for 9 years and there's alot that will need to be done to get it ready to put on the market. There's no way I can continue to support it by myself. Financially, I could maybe swing it, but I've depended on him for long time to do stuff......make hay, deliver hay, fix fence, etc. You all live on farms & know all that needs doing. I think the thing I will miss the most is the barn that Allen built for me. I always thought of that as the ultimate way for someone to show his love for me. Maybe that seems silly, but all the work he put into it building it by himself always amazed me.

I'm in shock!!! How do you deal with someone telling you after 18 years together (17 married) that he no longer loves you. I really need a hug!! I really need someone here for me. But there is no one. My reality has completely shifted, my world has come to an end.

He said he will help get the house ready for sale. He doesn't want this to get ugly and for the sake of my kids, neither do I. We need to sit down & figure out the bills and stuff. We bought him an 06 Dodge 3500 dually truck with a Hemi this past summer. Really nice truck with only 6000 miles on it when we bought it. Big & black with all the bells & whistles. I really wanted him to have it as he hasn't had much in his life. I think he's going to have to sell it. Don't know if he will be able to make payments on it without my income.

I don't know what to do!!! My life as I knew it has come to an end!!! Our marriage wasn't perfect, but there was no fighting, no ugliness. He has just decided that he no longer loves me or wants me. Doesn't want to stay here and live a lie. At 47 years old, I will be on my own and alone. I don't know how to deal with that. It just hurts so much!!
















Thank you for reading this! I really appreciate it very much.


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## FairytailGlennMinis (Jan 14, 2008)

Oh man...I am so very, very sorry for you! I sure don't have any real advice other than to seek counselling--demand counselling together! Wow...I can not imagine...I am so sorry


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## MiniforFaith (Jan 14, 2008)

OMG, I am so sorry.



I wish I was closer, i would be there for you. My hubby and i went threw this about 10 yrs ago. We did the complete "d" word. We were completely seperated and everything was final for about a year(I was raising a 2 yr son, now without him) Then, he realized that he did still love me, that all we fought about wasn't importaant, and the new woman in his life wasn't leaving her hubby ans that he was set up by his sister



(now you know why I do no like my in laws.) I moved back in with him, but waited 2 yrs to remarry him.. It is not easy at all.. All I can say is that I went along with it all.. Then he woke up.. These are going to be some rough days ahead, but if you need an ear on the phone, I can pm you my number ans we can talk.. Hugs to you



and don't blame yourself.. Men are just buttheads sometimes..Once they get the bug up their behinds, they have to do what they think is what they want.. Please take care, and remember everyone is wonderful on here and are here for you..


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## Charley (Jan 14, 2008)

"Hugs"

I am so sorry. You have gone through so much this last year and so has your husband. You have told us what he says he is feeling. Ask yourself...are you still in love with him? If you are I would tell him. Let him go and be there for him. Things may not work out but it could.

It seems like you two have grown apart....selling the farm and simplifying things in your life are not bad things. I think a lot of people do this and I'm hoping that this brings you the life that will once again make you happy and content.

I would not rush to break things up. Just do things one at a time and see where it leads you. Take time to take care of you...and do what is best for you.


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## minie812 (Jan 14, 2008)

I feel such empathy for you. Sometimes when we get a "slap in the face" like that you think it is YOUR fault. Sounds like hubby may feel "life is passing him by" since his heart attack and he isn't getting any younger...get out and get yourself into a support group ASAP...that can be your lifeline, talk with your kids when they have questions-do not shut them out. Church is a great support if you go, if you don't go-START. You also need spiritual help too and I only know of one person that can help you there. Good Luck-alot of us have been there!


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## Sonya (Jan 14, 2008)

Oh Kim I'm so sorry. I know you are devasted and feel alone, I wish I was closer to you I'd come over there right now and give you a big hug.

This could just be a phase for him. As for advice...just take it one day at a time. Encourage him to go to counseling with you (if he will).

If it doesn't work out, don't think for a second that you still can't have a farm...you can...maybe smaller scale and it might have to go on hold while things are getting worked out, but you can do it.

Take care of yourself...and I don't want to sound like a witch, but make sure have the upper hand financially..you don't need that added strain...stay a step ahead of him if this is what he wants...example...I wouldn't worry about that truck that he won't get to keep...that's his decision and his doing...you worry about YOU.

HUGS


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## Izzyantheminis (Jan 14, 2008)

Hey hon I'm so sorry for the terrible hurt you are dealing with.





You know he is right at the age many men start looking around for "more in life". Don't take this news as something you did wrong.Please don't.

He is no doubt struggling with his inner demons.He sounds depressed to be honest.

Sometimes when this happens it's for the best for both husband and wife.Because it gives the woman a new freedom and a chance to find inner strengths she never knew were there.That can be a beautiful thing!

But when a man leaves his wife during these mid life crisis situations,they very often come to regret it.Very frequently they find out the grass may look greener elsewhere but the roots run deeper at home.And that's something that can't be replaced.

I'm really glad you reached out to us here.You really aren't alone.

(((HUGS))) Izzy


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## Basketmiss (Jan 14, 2008)

So sorry to hear this... I am sad for you...

Sounds like a midife crisis... The heart attack scared the H%!! out of him so he is probably not seeing things rationally.

suggest counseling, if he will maybe you can talk thru this, or at least what has happened, so you can better understand and not feel so `like you've been run over by a Mack Truck!!

If he wont then yes do stay on top financially, so many women get rooked in that department. Even if you have to sell the farm( which i hate for you) you can have a smaller farm maybe? I know you said he does the man things ( which I understand) but there are some ladies out there with farms. You can get someone to either cut your hay or bring you hay from somewhere else... There are always handymen around who would help a lady who needs it with things around the farm.

But you might not want to do this? If not that is ok too, then you will be on a different lifes plan..

I had a friend that this happened to. They were married 13 years and one day she comes in and tells him she is done and doesnt love him and never did!! My question for her and your husband so you lived in this marraige for 13 or 17 years and you say you never loved me!! I dont believe them! I think that is just what they say as an escape claus! If they tell you that then they can run out of the marriage cause YOu will be so hurt and mad!

I believe your husband did love you and still does, his judgement is just clouded...

Keep your head up, we are hear to listen so dont feel like you dont have anyone... (((( HUGS))) to you...


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## Denise (Jan 14, 2008)

I am actually speechless right now. You are the second person I know of this weekend that this is happening to. It has got to be the mid life crisis thing.

I am praying your days ahead are not to rough and painful. You are one of the nicest people I have met in a long time and cant stand it that you are going thru this alone. Just wish I were closer to do some hand holding. Hang in there, we may not be close but all of us are here for you anytime you need us.


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## justjinx (Jan 14, 2008)

oh, kim, tons of (((HUGS)))) coming your way! if there is ANYTHING i can do, let me know! i will be thinking about you! jennifer


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## Marsha Cassada (Jan 14, 2008)

I, too, have endured this. My husband became a different man. I believe it was a sort of possession. My sons were teenagers at the time. He told me he wanted to sell everything and live under a bridge. He was tired of resonibility. He stayed at bars till they closed with single friends. He told me I was fat and ugly.

It was a terrible time for me. Who can you talk to about such a thing? I prayed.

After it had passed, I would sometime stand and see my sons and their father talking and be thankful and amazed that we had made it through.

I was changed by it.

When I hear of a man buying a lot of new clothes or a red car, I know some wife is in trouble. He may even say he is doing it FOR HER. No matter, he is the one with the problem.

Please try to survive. Go on with life as well as you can from day to day.

Or, perhaps hire Guido to beat him within an inch of his life and put the fear of God into him.

I can never watch movies or read books about such behavior. It is too terrible in real life.

Unfortunately, it is not only men who go through this. I have known more than one woman who abandoned her husband and children in the same way.

May God bless you and keep you, my dear.


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## Kitty (Jan 14, 2008)

Sorry to hear this.



I don't know what I would do either. I have been married so long I would be totally lost.

I think it is sad that he had to tell you on the phone. IF you are still having feelings for him I would insist that he go to a therapist with you to make sure he isn't in depression or whatever for a certain amount of time. I don't think that is asking too much and maybe it would help him to express himself. Start with each of you going independently and then together. We did that in the past and it really helped. No marriage is perfect, don't care what anyone says.

I can feel for you about 2007. It was one of the worst of my life personally and sounds like it was awful for you and 2008 is not starting out great either. It may be bleak now but it will get better.

BIG HUGS. Remember everyone here will help you thru it and you can email or I'll send my phone number and we could talk. The fourties are a hard age.


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## Charlene (Jan 14, 2008)

i don't have any advice but i did read everything that's been posted so far. i just want to let you know that i am sad for you.


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## jrae (Jan 14, 2008)

So sorry to hear this. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## minimomNC (Jan 14, 2008)

Don't sell yourself short. And don't think he won't still help you around the farm if you need him to. And for goodness sake don't sell first. If you can handle the farm finanically, then ask him if he would be willing to still come and work there, as much for him as for you. And I will tell you, I am 47, a widow, and working a farm. My daughter does help some but its still a job. If you love it, don't give it up. Things will work out. Who knows you and your husband might be better friends than you ever were spouces. Could be what you both need for both of you to be happy.


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## MBhorses (Jan 14, 2008)

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Wish I was closer to you. You know all of us on here are with you. We will be praying for you.

take care,


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## ClickMini (Jan 14, 2008)

Nothing to add but sending big "hugs!" I do not pretend to understand men at all. They are very, very different, that is for sure!

It would sure be helpful to dig a little deeper and see what it is that caused this "revelation" for him. I am betting that it has nothing to do with you at all.

It is a very difficult transition when the kids grow up and move out of the house. You suddenly look at the other person and think "what now???"



I think for my husband and I, the animals have filled in to a degree. We talk about them alot. LOL But he got very needy and that to me is sometimes difficult too.

I can see where someone would get near that transition point and not know what to do. I definitely can. It is worth working through, but it is a hard time in a marriage.

Well I am sending you lots of big hugs and also wishes that you are able to move forward in whatever direction you decide with some positivity and goodness for yourself.


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## Just Us N Texas (Jan 14, 2008)

Please call his Dr. and discuss this with him/her. Several years ago, Jerry had a quadruple by-pass, luckily they found the problem before he had any heart damage, or a heart attack. Anyway, his GP, and his heart specialist told me to watch him closely for depression, because it would surely happen, as it happens to most men who have had heart issues. I'm not saying he isn't having a double whammy with the mid-life crisis as well, but these things can and are taken care of medically. He is feeling his mortality, thinks life has not been kind to him, and he wants a fling to prove he is still a vital man. Please, please talk to the Dr.s, and do whatever they suggest before either of you make a big decision.


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## Hosscrazy (Jan 14, 2008)

My heart goes out to you...I know how hard this is. My only advice is that you need to remember that no matter what, you will be okay - it may be hard, but I do believe things happen for a reason and you need to find the strength inside to keep moving forward, and to take care of yourself.

My ex-husband and I split 7 years ago after a 10 year marriage and quite honestly, in hindsight, that was the best thing that could have happened to us. Though I didn't realize it at the time, he was not the right one for me and I am much happier now than I have ever been in my life. We didn't have a bad marriage - not at all - but it just wasn't right.

I wish you all the best,

Liz R.


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## Sterling (Jan 14, 2008)

Kim...I'm so sorry you are hurting right now. ((Huggss)) I hope altho this year has started out rocky for you, that your husband is only going thru a phase and realizes that. My best to you Hon, stay strong.


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## lvponies (Jan 14, 2008)

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, prayers, emails and PM's!! I knew my forum family would be there for me!!

Allen just called. I brought up that maybe he needs to talk to his doctor re possible depression. He said he's been feeling this way long before the heart attack. He's not happy and wants to find happiness. Said he would do whatever he could so that I could keep this place. Said he doesn't want anything from it. Said he would sell his trucks (he has some "antique" trucks), tractor, etc to pay off bills. Said he doesn't want to make hay anymore. Said maybe I should downsize the horses so I don't have as many to take care of. I'm just scared about all the stuff that always comes up that needs to be done. Fixing stuff, etc. He just doesn't want to be tied down and wants to be "free"!! Told him that once he throws us and this place away, there's no getting it back.

Got to crying on the phone with him again. Told him I had to go as I had to get on the phone for work. Working has been really hard today!!

This is absolutely killing me!!!


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## Kitty (Jan 14, 2008)

Well he said it : I don't wait to make hay anymore. My husband HATES haying so I can see that as a major problem. We had a big war over it last year. It is a hard time consuming job. I am looking into having someone hay for us and just paying them so much a bale. Still cheaper than finding it and buying outright.

I would make him sit down tonight and write out his doesn't want to do anymore list and his he doesn't mind list and you do the same. Often spouses don't realize how much they do for each other and you just take for granted and he needs to realize you do alot for him also. He is definitely having a mid life crisis. Is he close to 50? Alot of people freak out at 50. My other half turns 50 this year and I see it coming already. So I'm going to humor him with golf clubs and send him on his merry way.

Cry. It is a stress reliever and then drink some tea to help with calming. Work can wait !!!!!!


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## CyndiM (Jan 14, 2008)

So many have given good advise so I'll just give * [SIZE=14pt]((((HUGS)))) [/SIZE] *.


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## mininik (Jan 14, 2008)

Be strong and know that you'll be okay no matter what happens.


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## Buckskin gal (Jan 14, 2008)

Aww, my heart truly goes out to you. Life can seem so cruel at times. I will hope and pray that everything turns out the best for you and your family. HUGS AND MORE HUGS


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## Equuisize (Jan 14, 2008)

Sendng you {{{HUGS}}} _You are lovable_, don't ever forget that!!!

My gut reaction when I read your story - was get him to a doctor.

Be sure his heart is still healthy.

I think a health scare like a heart attack may start all kinds of

thought processes in one's mind.

As in reaching for all those put aside dreams that somehow get

forgotten, as you think you'l have forever to do them.

No matter how deeply he buries his emotions, there is fear.

I am very sure he was in love with you and still loves you.

Be strong, however this turns out, you can do this.

We're all here for you.


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## flamingstar (Jan 14, 2008)

So sorry my friend. Depression is a nasty thing that rears it head when you least expect it. If this is unsalvagable, ask if you can maybe try living apart for a while. Sometimes that puts a different perspective on things, but he definitely needs to go to his doctor and explain what is going on.

Just remember that you have the backing and love of thousands of friends on here. Each and everyone of us hurts when we hear or see one of our own is sad, and we would be willing to help out in any way that we could possibly help. Even if it is just being a sounding board.

Just make sure that you keep your chin up, and that you do take care of yourself.

Hugs to you,

Vicki


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## dreammountainminis (Jan 14, 2008)

Hi Kim,

I sent you a pm ..maybe if he does not want to do hay , I know in my area if you have your own equiptment some one would come in and do hay for you if you give them some of the hay..Hay has been scarce lately someone would be more that willing to come and do it ..Post a note in the bullitin board and at your local tractor supply that may help...I am sorry for what he is putting you through , I would also have him checked for depression .


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## Jill (Jan 14, 2008)

Kim,

I am so sorry to be reading this!

Would he be open to trying counselling, like if up front you both agree to try it for X number of sessions and see if it helps?

Is there room where he can have more freedom (less farm responsibilities)?

I wish so much I knew some solutions.

You are very much in my thoughts!

Jill


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## anoki (Jan 14, 2008)

I am so, so sorry to read this.....and I don't have anything to add to what others have already posted.

The only thing I can say is I hope you are both able to sit down and talk....REALLY talk about it before any decisions are made.

((((hugs)))) to you.....

~kathryn


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## lvponies (Jan 14, 2008)

Unfortunately, I don't think counselling will help. The man says he no longer loves me and that I can't make someone love me if they don't. The feelings are gone. No amount of counselling or talking it out will bring them back. He doesn't want me, the farm, his daughters or his things anymore. He just wants to be alone to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it.

Allen really is a good & decent man. He has tried very hard during our marriage to never hurt me and to do what I needed him to do. I hope he finds the happiness he's looking for. Just wish it were with me. I've told him repeatedly that I love him with my whole heart. Doesn't seem to make any difference at all. His mind is made up!! I can't really find any anger towards him right now. I'm sure that will come, but all I feel right now is sadness and hurt. He says that we never had a happy marriage at all. It wasn't a bad marriage, I don't think. Not perfect at all, but wasn't hate filled or filled with fighting.

Been thinking about the farm....I've always relied on him for hay. Are there people out there who will deliver hay and unload/stack it for you? For a fee of course. Also, are there handy men type people you can hire to do repairs around a farm? I've seen ads before in the paper, but how would you know who you could trust? I think if I cut down on the number of horses I have by maybe 1/2 and can figure out the hay & repair situations, I could financially swing this place on my own. Of course, there would be belt tightening, but it's doable, I think. Maybe.

How on earth could I ever decide which horses to sell? I love them all. How would I find good homes for them where they will be loved?

Am I over thinking this whole situation? Should I just let it ride for a few days? My brain is spinning!!!

Thank you all for being there for me. I really couldn't get through this if it wasn't for the niceness of the forum family. I appreciate you all listening, sending hugs, sending phone numbers and being there for me. {{{HUGS}}} right back to you all.


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## Kitty (Jan 14, 2008)

Lots of people will hay for you. Either a flat rate or by the truckload and for a fee will unload. I can have someone come in here and round bale for $6 a round bale. I can't beat that..

And I bet you learn how to fix things



, even if hopefully it will work out and this was just a bad dream for you. Every girl should know some basics



When Rick isn't around I learn in a hurry and you can always call here and he could walk you thru it. He is the handyman of all handymen.





I feel for you. Lots of things to think about. And you never know. Maybe if he takes alittle time to get away from the situation he will miss it and realize he was wrong.

And I gotta tell you a person as talented as you is destined for great things. You are a awesome artist





Lots of hugs here


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## anoki (Jan 14, 2008)

lvponies said:


> Am I over thinking this whole situation? Should I just let it ride for a few days? My brain is spinning!!!



DON'T jump to doing any thing just yet. Let things settle for a few days....a week....2 weeks.....don't make any decisions until things have settled a bit. You will regret quick decisions if they didn't need to be carried out after all.

I can't imagine how you are feeling right now.....

((((hugs))))

~kathryn


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## RENMACMINIS (Jan 14, 2008)

Kim, (((((Hugs)))))

I am sorry you are going thru this rough patch. There are lots of people here in WV that will come in and hay for you.. Either using your equipment and then you pay them x amount of dollars or using your equipment and charging you by the bale or by taking some of the hay. Also alot of the old time farmers will come bale your hay using their equipment for a small charge per bale or for some of the hay. Another option is a hired hand give him or HER room/board and feed them and/or a small pay and they could do your repairs of bale your hay another option is college students or high school students.. especially in our area a FFA or 4H member would jump on the chance to work on a farm doing maintence/making hay etc for the experience. Or you could offer them space in your barn to house their project animal in exchange for them helping you out. They could also unload and stack your hay if you decided to buy it. Which could be an option for you.. You could always lease/rent out your hayfields and use that money to buy your hay..I am not sure how many horses you currently have but I wouldnt sell any at this point in time. See if you can manage the ones you have now and if you cant then sell them off one by one until you get to the point where you can manage that number. My husband likes to bale hay even though he doesnt like my horses b/c it lets him tinker around with the equipment and be outside. LOL>. I will rent him out to you... if you need him.. I am also a phone call away if you want to talk or to even come visit just to get away from all of that for at least a little while. I will pm you with my numbers.

A Friend, Sherry


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## Cathy_H (Jan 14, 2008)

I am so sorry to hear this. Could you or would you want to agree to divide the house into two separate living areas - his & yours? Agree to go your separate ways but be there during necessary times of need. This would be tremendously hard though especially if you found out he was seeing other women...You would have to agree to stay out of each others personal business & relationships..... We know a couple that have been divorcing for years yet are living in the same house for convenience & financial reasons....................... Best of luck to you !


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## Riverdance (Jan 14, 2008)

I am sorry that you are going through this.





But, some of us have already been there. It will take some time, but in the end you will be stronger for it and find out that living alone is not so bad. I left my husband 10 years ago. He was cheating on me and I had enough. I found a nice Hobby Farm that I thought I could take care of myself and moved.

I raise and show these horses myself. I found a farmer that I buy hay from who delivers it and stacks it for me. I also buy my grain from him. He will fix machinery or repair fences for me if I need it and I always pay him. I hire a handy man when I need other things fixed that I can not do. I have lots to look forward to (the babies each spring and summer, clipping my yearlings down and going to horse shows.) and I actually enjoy my freedom and am not sure I could have a man around anymore. I can go, do, buy what I want when I want. It is kind of nice!!

You will be lonely for a while, it took me about 2 years, but I did grow stronger and very independent, and I AM LOVING IT!!





Good luck!!


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## Champagne Valley Farm (Jan 14, 2008)

I am so sorry you are going through this....it looks as though you have more support here then you could find anywhere else!

I'll just say this for you. My mother never was a career woman. She passed up the opportunity to be a business woman to stay home and raise us brat kids! God bless her!! In turn she never had "real" friends. Sure she would occasionally talk with the neighbor ladies but nothing solid. Like being able to pick up the phone and just talk with someone aobut any problems she had or just to have someone to share things with. My parents marriage wasn't a walk in the park and things came close to ending for the both of them. Needless to say they were able to work through the problems but the scars still remain. About three years ago my father had a job take him out of state and that left my mother and me to care for the farm. No big deal if I was around as I could do the heavy stuff. But with my work schedule sometimes I wouldn't and couldn't be there to help with some things. A few of the neighbor men were very helpful and would help with the real heavy stuff that neither her nor I could handle. But for the most part my mother became quite independent on fixing things and jimmy rigging things until someone else could come fix it. She also became involved with the red hat society and became friends with other ladies. They went on fun little trips and such and had a good time. Now that they have moved she found a local church and got involved in one of the women's bible studies and has made some very wonderful friendships with the ladies. It now gives her something to do and have as her own while my father is at work or gone on business trips. She takes full charge of the barn (mind you we did scale back on the number of horses for her now then what we had in the past) but she's done well.

I guess through all that rambaling I'm just trying to say don't throw in the hat just yet. Put things down on paper finanacially and labor wise. Find out your limit on work load and what you can afford. Then go from there. Also don't just think you have to sell out the horses. Try leasing. Free leasing off the premesis or do a farm lease (for a fee) and the person takes care of the horse. We did this through our local 4H and it was wonderful. It helped pay for farm expenses and the horses got the attention they needed. The way the market is now there would be so many people interested in just leasing your horses instead of going through the expense of buying one.

You seem like a resiliant woman and I think you will come out of this on top. We are all here for you and I suggest finding groups or clubs to get involved with to help you get through this. To help you find some good friends to give you those much needed hugs and the support you need. I think your horses will help you with this too.


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## Reijel's Mom (Jan 14, 2008)

You've been given a lot of great advice, just wanted to add my sympathy over your situation - how rotten


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## Magic (Jan 14, 2008)

You've gotten a lot of good advice here. I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say that I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. {{{hugs}}}}


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## MeadowRidge Farm (Jan 14, 2008)

Alot of great advice here, so I guess all I am going to say is (((hugs))) and never feel and I do mean NEVER feel like your without a friend we're all here for you. You can email me anytime you want, I have big shoulders and your more then welcome to use them. (((dbl hugs))) Corinne


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## Whitestar (Jan 14, 2008)

When I was hit by cancer, I did a complete 180 degree turn in my life that many thought I was crazy. I wanted to sell our beautiful dream farm, my horses that I adored, & move into town & have a normal life. Since I was soo horse crazy, did all the work myself, lived & breathed horses, it was a shock to my family that I would want something different. But I had a lot of time to lay in that bed & think. Thinking about all the stuff I missed when I had the horses. Vacations that didnt involve National Horse Shows, leaving the house for even groceries during foaling time, sleep!!!, but most of all remembering the looks on my young childrens faces when we had plans that were forced to cancell because a horse was sick or something else came up. This happened over & over. My cancer was a wake up call & I am wondering if your husbands heartattack wasnt one to him to. It took some convincing for my husband to understand that I just didnt want that life anymore, I survived something horrible & I wanted to LIVE! He loved me enough to agree to it, we sold the farm bought a home in town, & since then we have had a much better family live with the kids, spending more quality time together that doesnt involve my interests only ( the horses) we take 2 vacations a year, ( Hawaii, cruises, vegas, europe) my husband has been able to buy his dream car & take it to car shows with our son. My husband & I have date nights, just the two of us going to the movies, a nice dinner, holding hands.... We both realized we loved the horses, but they were taking over every aspect of our lives that we werent really happy. With ovarian cancer, it can come back anytime, & I didnt want to be hooked up to IV's thinking about the farm, or what I had missed out on I wanted to think about all the wonderful things I had done with my children, the happiness on their face surfing in hawaii, meeting Mickey Mouse in Disneyworld. There are two quotes that I really like "Life is not measured by the breaths you take away, but by the moments that take your breath away"

Maybe he just wants a change of life? Maybe he does love you, but is afraid to ask you to make a change with him. When I was heavily involved in the minis I saw a lot of cases where husbands resented the farms & horses, both in the work, the money & the time away from family. It broke up a lot of marriages. I am not saying this is happening here. But if you really love this man, I would suggest you have him come over set down just the two of you hold hands across the table & just talk. As him what his dreams are. Ask him what is making him so unhappy. Ask him if he thinks changes can be made, if he thinks he would be willing to try? It is a risk. You can make drastic changes to please him & in the end it isnt enough...or maybe it will be if that is what he wants. He has to make the step to set down with you & be willing to be honest.

And if he isnt, then take a good strong look at that you are left with. Sometimes you need a friend to take the same look, because looking thru tears can distort the reality. What will you have to do to keep what is important to you? If you have to let a horse go, you can chose the new owner, one that will love them as much even more maybe than you do. It is better to think about all this now instead of finding out that you cant afford to keep them all & be forced into selling them.

You are on a uphill battle. It is so important that you have someone to talk to right now. Dont let your thoughts keep you from sleeping, if you lay awake thinking- that lack of sleeping will eat up your body. As hard as it is,, try to keep control when you speak with him. Show strength..dont let him think that he has all the power of the decisiions of your future.

good luck Deb


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## RJRMINIS (Jan 14, 2008)

{{{HUGS}}} I know how hard this is. I never had all the animals with my first husband, but It crushed me when we broke up, he never claimed he didn't love me anymore, but he was cheating, so that was proof enough for me. I felt like my world was going to end, but you get over that!! I look back on that experience and am thankful as I went on to meet my Husband now of almost 11 years and we have a beautiful daughter together. I TRULY believe everything happens for a reason, and you will make it! I think sometimes we don't realize the strength we have until we are put in the situation to test us.

#1 thing, that bothers me is him saying he doesn't love you, I do not believe that for a minute, you do not spend that many years with someone and not still love them. He may want to be on his own, and if that is what he wants, then all you can do is set him free. You can do it, and you may end up being happier in the long run. I can't remember the song, but it is about how things happen, that devastate you but push you on down the road to open new doors, and when you look back you are Thankful for what happened as it led you down the road to something new, and BETTER.

Hang in there, I know this is a very hard thing to deal with. I wish you STRENGTH & COURAGE to move on and always know we are hear for you!


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## qtrrae (Jan 14, 2008)

Kim,

I am so sorry, this has to be a devastating thing for you to go through. You have your forum family, we will all be here for you - your little horses will bring you a lot of comfort.

Everything happens for a reason and someday you will be able to look back on this phase of your life without feeling hurt.

Lots of hugs and prayers, we care.


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## The Simple Life Farm (Jan 14, 2008)

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I don't think I can add anymore to what has already been said, except...

A very good friend once told me "when you don't know what to do, do nothing". Those are very good words for the situation you are in right now. I have also gone through a divorce, it is very tough and devestating. I was one that believed people should stay married no matter what!!! You will get through it. I am a much better person now. You will find strenghth you never knew you had. You might want to try a separation for now, then do a divorce if that is the way it heads. I wouldn't suggest any life changes right now, you will need as much routine as you and you family can get right now.

Good luck to you, and please keep us updated. We are your forum family, and we do care about you.

Kelly


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## Marty (Jan 14, 2008)

People talk a lot about us women with all our PMS-ings, post partum depression but _Male Menapause _ doesn't seem to make headlines like it really should. It is a very real problem. They do not know what they want anymore; they cannot think straight, and they don't know what the heck they are doing. I do think that is when men go totally nuts and that is when divorces happen a lot. I hope he will see a doctor.

I'm editing a lot of my post to really just say I am sorry, sorry, sorry for you having to go through this.

I feel just horrible for you and what is going on and hope to heck this marriage can be saved.

Much Love and Best Wishes.


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## Miniv (Jan 15, 2008)

Before you rush around doing anything.........BREATHE..........

Your husband is trying to tell you something about how he's feeling and what he wants, but HE may not even understand what he's feeling or what he wants.......

He just knows he's not happy.

I cannot imagine that he's willing to give up everything, including the life with his children.

If you can, even if you have to blackmail him, try to get him to see a counselor/therapist........even for just one visit to start with. Have him do it for you, for all the years, for his kids.........whatever works......

(IMO, He's depressed. But I'm not a professional.)


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## lvponies (Jan 15, 2008)

Well.....we made it through the cold war at my house last night. Allen came home from work just like always. We didn't speak, didn't discuss anything (oh...and I didn't cook any dinner either!). I was just too raw and emotional and the thought of him telling me directly to my face that he no longer loves me was more then I could bear facing. Hoping today that the faucets that made me cry off & on all day yesterday have been turned off and I can get more of a grip. My life as I've known it for the past 18 years is over and I'm not yet ready to jump off into the unknown life that's waiting for me. I spent most of yesterday breaking down in tears at the drop of a hat. Even cried while feeding the horses last night. Yep...there I am in the freezing temps bawling my eyes out while the horses eat their feed. They didn't care!! LOL!! Hoping I can maintain better control today. I am emotionally exhausted and didn't get enough sleep last night. I guess I'm not good with change and right now it looks from my perspective like I'm getting ready to be thrown off a cliff!! Well....nothing to be done about it. The cliff is waiting and my future is unknown at this point. Hope I land at the bottom safely!!

I like the saying that Addicted to Minis posted....when you don't know what to do, do nothing. Right now that's where I am. Yes, thoughts are running through my head non-stop about finances, the horses, the future without my husband, etc, but I'm not doing anything at this point. I really wish the brain had an on/off switch so I could just shut down for awhile. There's another old saying that I love too.....If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you then it's meant to be, if not..... Something like that. Allen is getting older and wants to get out there and act like a 20 year old again. Just hope he doesn't find a 20 year old to settle down with and start a new family!!!

He & I will have to talk to figure out what to do next. Maybe I will be emotionally stable enough in the next few days to make that happen.

Regardless of what happens, I will always & forever love him.


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## Sandy S. (Jan 15, 2008)

Even in your time of weakness stand stong. Been there done that.

Hugs and prayers are with you to make it though and all will turn out the way you want it too.


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## minie812 (Jan 15, 2008)

THINK POSITIVE...when you say your getting ready to be thrown off the cliff & don't know how you'll land...REMEMBER it's not HOW you'll land but how YOU will FLY!!!


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## lvponies (Jan 15, 2008)

minie812....thank you for this (even if it did make me cry!!):

THINK POSITIVE...when you say your getting ready to be thrown off the cliff & don't know how you'll land...REMEMBER it's not HOW you'll land but how YOU will FLY!!!





I guess it's all in how you look at things!!!


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## capall beag (Jan 15, 2008)

I don't really know what to say.

Hang in there. How terribly sad for you.

I don't know you or your hubby so can't really comment but I would want to set someone free if they felt trapped.

It must be a crushing blow to you. But you will find yourself, your new self.

Everyone deserves to be loved and cherished, you do too.

Also know it is not you or anything you did it is your husbands issue not yours. Something he has to resolve.

I hope you have a better day today((hugs))


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## minih (Jan 15, 2008)

> He doesn't want me, the farm, his daughters or his things anymore.


This sentence you wrote bothers me a lot. Are these his natural daughters, or yours from a previous marriage? I have not read every entry since this thread started, except for yours. He is showing classic "depression" if he wants to give up absolutely everything in his life and do nothing? Knowing and dealing with it is two different things tho. You need to take care of you and make sure you will be okay first. Some one does not just up and change everything within their life without a reason other than I just don't love everything any more? 17 years is a long time to "just go thru life". Hugs and be strong. I can not tell you I know what you are going thru, I can't, but I do know it is devastating in every aspect of your life.


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## Bunnylady (Jan 15, 2008)

Hi, Kim!

I agree with Marty about men at this age. I'm 47, my hubby's 48, married (good heavens!) 24 years, we have a landscaping business. Last year he informs me he doesn't think he loves me anymore, he's having feelings for one of his customers. Insisted it was mutual. Evidently she had better sense than to get involved with a middle-aged married-with-kids yard guy, and left town. Hubs came to his senses, but I see how vulnerable he is even now.

You've said you can't be angry with your husband. Well, I'm already there! He has said, in essence, that he wants to be irresponsable and self-centered. He can't be "free," there are people in this world who care about him and rely on him. He may be depressed, but that doesn't excuse hurting those who love him because "I'm not happy!" Sometimes feelings just don't count. I'm sure we all have moments when we'd like to run away from our lives (I know I do,) but we don't because we have people who count on us. We made promises, and we keep them. We put up with what we don't like because we care too much to be selfish.

I've got news for your husband. Happiness is not a destination. Happiness is a companion on the journey. She comes along when you don't expect her, and you may not even know she's there. She does not ride along on any trip that has hurt at the end of it.

He may run away from the life he has with you, but he is the source of his own unhappiness. A decent sort would only find guilt added to the mix. If he stays, and works through this with you, he may well find that the happiness he's seeking was there all along, just waiting for him to recognise it. He may not have been one for talking about his feelings, but he needs to be talking to someone now. What he's going through is by no means unique, and he shouldn't be making decisions that he may regret, just because he's feeling restless.

(((HUGS))) for all of you!!


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## lvponies (Jan 15, 2008)

I honestly feel that Allen is messed up in the head, depressed, whatever. He said that his "things" don't matter, he just wants to find happiness and doesn't need "things" to be happy. I told him that once the farm, tractors, balers, trucks etc are sold, there is no getting them back. Land prices have gone up so much in our area. Our property is worth about 3 times more then what we paid for it almost 10 years ago. You know what he said? He'd like to hold onto the property for awhile "in case he changes his mind"! Can you believe that? So.....I let him go. If he comes back and I still feel the same towards him, well...maybe. If not....life moves on whether we want it to or not. I too feel that he should be feeling extremely guilty for what he's doing. As I told him, there's lots of times that I would love to dump my spouse, children and responsibilities as he is doing, but that I could never do that. I made a commitment to all these things through good times & bad and I will stick it out, not run away!!

I will end up getting mad, but right now, I am just too hurt for anger to even poke it's head through. I'll get there though. It's just a matter of time. He better hope like heck that he's no where in range when it happens!!!

Our daughters are ours. He is their natural father. He says he wants to be part of their lives going forward. Hope he can spare the time for them in his pursuit for happiness!!!

Today has been another rough day for me. I know that this is all about him and what he wants out of life, but have weak moments when I feel unloved and uncared for. The old....nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I'm going out to eat worms!!! What could I have done differently? Why didn't he tell me he was so unhappy in time to work on it before it got too late? Trying really, really hard not to beat myself up, but it is so hard!!! I certainly wasn't perfect and probably could have done many things better, differently. Hind sight is 20/20 though and I can't change the past, just deal with my new future.

So...tonight, I get myself all dolled up, no more wedding ring and I go to the basketball games my daughter is cheering at tonight. I'm exhausted and really just want to curl up into a ball somewhere, but life goes on and she needs me to be there and support her. I had children and will honor my responsibilities and commitments to them as best I can.

Thank you again to all of you who are out there listening to me, supporting me and sending me cyber hugs!!! You mean the world to me and I am so glad you're there!!!


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## Denise (Jan 15, 2008)

Good for you Kim. I am glad your getting out there and not sitting at home thinking. Have fun!


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## Kitty (Jan 15, 2008)

Have fun but remember you need to work thru your emotions before you move forward. So many of my friends after divorce, immediately thought they needed a relationship and then were hurt twice.





Take your time, work thru the emotions, see a therapist or whatever, and once you are strong enough, look around. It may take you a year or more. I can tell by your artwork you are a strong bold person and that is awesome. You may not think so but it shows in your beautiful art work.





In the meantime, do things that make you happy, taking a nap in the middle of the day, eat a big bowl of ice cream with hot fudge and don't feel guilty, buy yourself that one thing you saw that you said, no not today, call someone that you haven't talked to in awhile and laugh, stay up late and watch that movie that always makes you cry and eat popcorn and have a box of tissue, soak in the tub for 2 hours and just keep replacing the water -with some nice smelling candles, and a cup of your favorite hot beverage. OH I could think of lots of fun things. In fact I may just have to do a few myself.





Still thinking of you and lots of hugs coming your way.





Kitty


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## Jill (Jan 16, 2008)

I do not know if this is good advice at all. Just kind of projecting what I think I might do in your situation.

I'd keep on getting dolled up and leaving that wedding ring at home. I'd go out some but boy would I say I'd been out A LOT. Get some new "sexy" outfits, etc (hey, maybe even a wig -- they look very real now and not very expensive). If you could use some help up front, some "falsies" for in the bra. I mean, a real make over and flaunt it and be sure he thinks you are having the time of your life. Maybe he'll think you're having so much fun, he'd be better off joining you. My hunch is he doesn't know how to go about finding his own elusive fun.


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## Charley (Jan 16, 2008)

"Hugs"

Just be you. Just do what you want and need to do....and remember you haven't done anything wrong.

I, too, feel that Allen is depressed and needs professional counseling. I hope he gets the help that he so desperately needs. But remember this is not something that you can make him do.

Lois


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## Robin1 (Jan 16, 2008)

I am concerned about his saying he doesn't want his "things" anymore. That is not a good statement.

He will learn, as we all do at some point, that no matter where you go , there you are.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you and your girls.

Robin


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## lvponies (Jan 16, 2008)

Jill....your post made me laugh!! I am so not a girly girl at all!!! A couple of weeks ago, Allen told me that I had "let myself go". Told me he was amazed that I would go to town or somewhere looking like I looked and that men wanted to see women who took care of themselves. Told him that I live on a farm, that normally the only place I go is to Walmart to get groceries & stuff. When I go to town, I don't have hay sticking out my hair or manure/mud on my shoes, I do shower and look presentable. Told him that I am who I am. After the initial hurt subsided from his attack on the way I look (and after him apologizing profusely for hurting me)....I started thinking. We moved up here almost 10 years ago. At that time I started working 100% from home. Didn't have to get dressed and go into an office anymore. I had stopped dying my hair (started getting grey hair when I was 25 and dyed it for years) and let it go completely grey. Never wore make-up anymore and my favorite outfits were anything comfy that I could sit around in while at my desk....mostly sweats. Plus, I can't go down to the barn without getting dirty...usually get mud & hay on me, or horsie slobber. So....I guess, I did let myself go. I was living on a farm, not going anywhere and was comfortable with myself. Oh...also gained some weight. It is so easy to eat when the kitchen and fridge are right outside my office door!!! So....to try to make him happy, I dyed my hair, got my hair cut, bought some new clothes and bought makeup for the first time in years. No, I haven't transformed into a super model by any means, but do look much better when I go out....even to just Walmart. Started getting some looks from other men when I went out (what a boost to my self esteem!), but Allen barely noticed. I waited a couple of weeks and still hardly any notice. So.....asked him why when this was what he said he wanted. His response was the situation I'm currently in....he no longer loves me and doesn't want to be with me anymore. Well, at least I can say I tried. Maybe I tried way too late to make a difference, but at least I tried. It still feels incredibly weird to go out wearing makeup, my hair done and nice clothes. It just doesn't feel like me and I feel awkward and like I'm playing dress up in my mother's clothes. I am 47 years old and trying to awaken the inner girly girl who has been dormant for 10 years!! Asking my 15 year old daughter who is a certified girly girl about my makeup, having her help me pick out clothes. The whole thing is just weird!!! I like hay in my hair and manure on my boots!!! I like smelling like a horse and not perfume. I like comfy clothes better then anything. In the end, anything I did didn't matter to Allen at all. BUT....I will continue doing it when I go out when I feel like it as it does make ME feel better about myself. I will continue working on the ab lounge and watching what I eat in an effort to lose some weight. I am not in any hurry to find another man or get into another relationship. I don't even know any single men and wouldn't know where to even find one. If it's meant to be at some point (far into the future!), then it is. If not, I'll be fine without a man in my life.

Oh.....and Allen certainly doesn't look like some stud himself! All he ever wears is flannel shirts, Lee jeans and work boots. He's also gained some weight over the years. But you know what? The difference is that I love him regardless of what he looks like or what he wears. When you truly love someone, what they wear or how they look really doesn't matter. You love the inner person and don't notice the wrinkles or the extra weight. I guess that's the difference between the 2 of us, he doesn't truly love me at all. Probably never has!!


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## Denise (Jan 16, 2008)

I like your last post alot!

Your strong, sensitive, smart and courageous! It showed in your last post, you are strong and a survivor. You will get thru this with the help of your daughter and forum family.






How about a little vacation to east TX to see a little spotted horse? There's lots of room here and I love hay and horsie slobber and tracking mud into the house. If you want to get away, c'mon over, hubby is a great cook and loves to cook for company!


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## Jeannie B (Jan 16, 2008)

Denise said:


> Good for you Kim. I am glad your getting out there and not sitting at home thinking. Have fun!


Thats the ticket! Try not to show him how this upsets you!

Matbe he is testing you. I've been in this situation before too and it isn't fun!

My thoughts are with you!


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## Sterling (Jan 16, 2008)

Well I have to say that you certainly have it together! You know what's important in life and being true to yourself and other people is what counts. You are right.....sometimes they don't notice how they themselves look, but they have to blame someone and it's not going to be them or how they look. In my book there's nothing wrong with hay in your hair, or mud on your boots....a lot of guys find it cute and attractive ....just be yourself Kim....you are showing by your posts that you are a strong woman. From the outside looking in there are things going on in Allen's mind that nothing will change right now. Only he can work them out.

If I were you I'd take Denise up on her offer!



A change of scenery and people do wonders for the inner soul! Keep doing what your doing and thinking the way you are no matter the outcome you are showing that you are a woman with inner strength.


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## Bess Kelly (Jan 16, 2008)

lvponies said:


> .I like hay in my hair and manure on my boots!!! I like smelling like a horse and not perfume. I like comfy clothes better then anything. In the end, anything I did didn't matter to Allen at all. BUT....I will continue doing it when I go out when I feel like it as it does make ME feel better about myself. I will continue working on the ab lounge and watching what I eat in an effort to lose some weight. I am not in any hurry to find another man or get into another relationship. I don't even know any single men and wouldn't know where to even find one. If it's meant to be at some point (far into the future!), then it is. If not, I'll be fine without a man in my life.
> 
> Oh.....and Allen certainly doesn't look like some stud himself! All he ever wears is flannel shirts, Lee jeans and work boots. He's also gained some weight over the years. But you know what? The difference is that I love him regardless of what he looks like or what he wears. When you truly love someone, what they wear or how they look really doesn't matter. You love the inner person and don't notice the wrinkles or the extra weight. I guess that's the difference between the 2 of us, he doesn't truly love me at all. Probably never has!!






This will help you!! You need to keep your own level of depression from increasing. Making the effort to keep your own self feeling good about yourself will do wonders. He is definately showing all the signs of depression. Time apart can help each of you to look at the entire situation. May or may not improve it but, probably won't hurt it! (I, too like hay and horse slobbers & WM






)

My own situation of working at home, not "dressing up" for the office, growing out of many outfits, not doing makeup often, etc., etc., has become apparant to me  of late -- and I don't even have a hubby!!!! You do begin to think that you have no interest, no life, no friends, no reason. Get up, feed, work, feed, go to bed. It can suddenly occur to you that you have an issue. With no on else here it is apparant that the ISSUE is me -- for him he finds it easier to have YOU & LIFE IN GENERAL be the issue.

Take care of yourself first. Try to get & keep yourself in that "I like me" mode --- assist your children --- attempt to work with a really good family counselor (even going alone helps!). The marriage may be redeemable, it may not but you can save your soul. You are a good person and deserve a good life. It may even be better without his daily presence. Hard to handle, I know but, it may be! He may also realize that he does love his family once he can get out of the state he is in -- he definately loved you, they don't stay this long otherwise. Right now, he doesn't love himself. I suspect the word he is feeling and cannot grasp is "passion" not love....depression creates boredom and loss of all interest.

We are all here for you!!!!!!!!!!!! Take it one day at a time. ((((HUGS))))


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## SunQuest (Jan 16, 2008)

Oh Kim,

Why is it that at around the late teens of marriage one spouse often thinks they no longer love their spouse and they then think that there is a better person for them "out there". Sigh.... Sending you warm thoughts and hugs. All things happen for a reason, and one way or the other things will get better for you. (((hugs)))

And honestly, if I didn't have hay in my hair and horse smell on me I would be so miserable that no one would be able to live with me! Laughs. But glad that you are dressing up. You deserve to look nice and have others notice you.


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## Elsa (Jan 16, 2008)

I've been following this thread and have been contemplating replying. I can't say that I've been in your exact situation, but I was in a relationship for a few years that eventually took the same path your marriage seems to be heading. I fought to keep the relationship going, and meanwhile, my then boyfriend was just not interested in making it work. He told me he stayed with me "just because" and he didn't want to hurt me. I got the same speech you got "i don't love you anymore, I just want to do my own thing..." I finally realized there was nothing I could do to change his mind, so needless to say we split up. Afterwards, we argued alot, mostly about possessions and such. Once everything was cleared up, I decided to completely erase him from my life as I was just going crazy wanting someone who wanted nothing to do with me. Fast forward a year and now he is the one calling me, wanting to see me, talk etc. He admitted he didn't realize what he had at the time until he gave it up, and once he'd had his bit of fun, that was it. We didn't get back together because I chose not to go back to him as he had completely ruined my trust, but I guess what I'm trying to say is there is always hope. As you said, let something free, and if it comes back..... He just have to realize it on his own. First and foremost, please preserve your own sanity. ((Hugs))


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## MeadowRidge Farm (Jan 16, 2008)

I love your response..that you love the inner person and dont care about the extra weight or wrinkles. I would feel very uncomfortable if I had to get all dolled up just to run to the feed mill or wal-mart..I dont think I would go. It just would not be me..the real me! If someone isn't comfortable with the way I am , so be it..that's there prerogative.


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## lvponies (Jan 16, 2008)

I know I'm not blameless for whatever has made Allen so unhappy, but I blame him for never ever talking to me about what was bothering him. I can't fix something if I don't know what's broken. According to him, he has been feeling this unhappy for a very long time. Allen's problem is that he is unable to talk about his feelings. We rarely had fights as I was the only one who would ever get mad about something. As I yelled at him, he just sat there and didn't say a word. He never complains about anything, never asks for anything. Unfortunately, I am not a mind reader so don't know what's going on in his brain. I am ticked off that he never even gave us a chance to fix the problems. He just stewed over it forever and then out of the blue, says it's over, he's miserable and that he doesn't love me. I don't think that's fair at all!!! Maybe I could have fixed something, maybe not, but he never even gave me a chance and that's not right!! 



I'm leaving everything on him. If he wants to discuss the house, selling his things, whatever, he's going to have to start that conversation. I'm not the one who wants out after all. Since he doesn't like to talk about stuff, it's going to take alot for him to approach me about this. If he calls me on the phone, I'm going to tell him that I refuse to talk about it on the phone. He's going to have to talk to me in person, or I'm not talking about it at all!! So there....Allen!!! Be a man and tell me to my face that you don't love me and never did. Put up with my tears and confusion face to face.





[/FONT]

Ok.....I'm getting a little irked now! Not all the way to mad yet, but the anger helps dissipate the pain somewhat. At least for this exact minute in time!!! 

 

 

 


I just cannot express in words how very much the support from my forum family has meant to me!! If I didn't have you.....I don't know what I'd do. You all are the absolute best!!!


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## Reble (Jan 16, 2008)

Sometimes you have to grow further apart to keep growing together.

Unknown.

I cannot change the way I am,

I never really try,

God made me different and unique,

I never ask him why.

If I appear peculiar,

There's nothing I can do,

You must accept me as I am,

As I've accepted you.

God made a casting of each life,

Then threw the old away,

Each child is different from the rest,

Unlike as night from day.

So often we will criticize,

The things that others do,

But, do you know, they do not think,

The same as me and you.

So God in all his wisdom,

Who knows us all by name,

He didn't want us to be bored,

That's why we're not the same

~Author Unknown~

Thinking of you in your time of need.

I agree, he has the ball, let him have the next play.


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## Rebecca (Jan 16, 2008)

You are a very strong woman.



*Hugs* to you, to be able to go on as you are requires plenty of strength. Glad you came to talk on here, we all care about you and want to help you. s


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## lvponies (Jan 16, 2008)

I did one of the hardest things I have ever done tonight. I made dinner for the first time since Allen said he wanted to dump me. The 3 of us sat down at the table to eat together. Talk about being so awkward!!! Everyone was pleasant, spoke about the weather, stuff that happened at his job, stuff happening at my daughter's high school. I barely touched the food on my plate. Allen is acting like nothing is going on, everything is fine in our family. Is he really that dense? Or just trying to keep things calm here until he makes his break?? I mean he has said that he still cares about me and what happens to me, just doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be married to me. He even hung around after dinner to chit chat with me while I cleaned up. I couldn't take that, cleaned up real quick and ran out of the kitchen. He has destroyed me and acts like everything is just hunky dory and perfectly normal. I don't get it!! It hurts me just to be around him.


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## Reble (Jan 16, 2008)

So sorry you are going through this,





Not sure what to tell you,

Keeping you in my thoughts and





This too will pass


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## GMAMINIS (Jan 16, 2008)

Sorry you are going thru this. As hard as it seems now, things will get better and easier for you.


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## Izzyantheminis (Jan 17, 2008)

Men are really weird sometimes.I don't know why they act like that.It's a real mystery.





But I think your husband is really mixed up.More than he himself realizes.

It sounds like he doesn't want to lose your friendship.

It could also be that he's on a slight high from having finally told you what he had been dreading to say for so long.it's a big load off of him.

But he isn't considering how deeply his actions and words have hurt you.





(((HUGS))) for you.


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## minih (Jan 17, 2008)

Very good advice just given from Mary Lou.



> you must look after your best interest now..


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## mini1 (Jan 17, 2008)

Remember this: You are an INTELLIGENT, STRONG, BEAUTIFUL, CARING, TALENTED woman!!!!!!!!

You will get through this. If you cant handle having him around, tell him not to come over. If he doesn't need "things" to be happy tell him you would be glad to sell his stuff and see that the money was put to "good use".

Keep getting "dolled-up", let your 15 yr old help you it will be good for the both of you emotionally. Go to school events, if you have a local or state miniature horse club, attend meetings, talk to people, you will have lots of friends in your area before you know it.

Don't worry about making hay or repairs on the farm, it will all get done. There are always high school kids looking to make some extra money in the summer. If you call a handy-man ad, ask for references then talk to his clients or ask some other parents at ball games if they could recommend someone.

Shoot, ask us if you have a problem, I'am sure most everyone would be willing to walk you through how to fix, install etc... if you can't find someone there.

Anyway, don't let anyone force you to do something you don't really want to do and DON'T EVER let anyone make you think you are unattractive or unlovable or unwanted.





Look how many people took the time to send you hugs, and you said you didn't have any friends.

Kelly


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## lvponies (Jan 17, 2008)

Here I sit at 3:30 AM unable to sleep. I'm fine if I can get to sleep, but if anything wakes me up, that's it.....brain starts spinning around & around and I can't fall back to sleep. Still looking for my brain's on/off switch! It's going to be a long, long day!!

I don't know if Allen is seeing someone else or not. He says he's not. Even after dumping me, he's still coming home at normal times and following his normal patterns. He's not on the phone at all when home, no strange phone calls here. I would think, since the marriage is over in his eyes, that if he were seeing someone else, he would be coming home later & later because of spending time with his new love. He could be talking with whomever on his cell phone when he's not here. I just don't know!! The mom of one of my daughter's friends called tonight. She is a psychologist and I told her what I have been going through. We've decided that he is probably getting ready to have an affair. He's been watching what he eats, is losing weight & broke up with me. I don't think he'd cheat on me as his brother has cheated on his wife numerous times and he is disgusted by his behavior and how he treats his wife. So.....I just don't know. He could be cheating and I'd never know.

Really, really wish this had never happened. I just want my old life back!! It wasn't perfect, but I liked it as it was.


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## Mom2Cami (Jan 17, 2008)

So there....Allen!!! Be a man and tell me to my face that you don't love me and never did. Put up with my tears and confusion face to face.

Hi, I've been following this post and my heart just aches for you..but, I must say..YOU GO GIRL!!!! I smiled when I read this part of your post.


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## Sandy S. (Jan 17, 2008)

COME ON KIM, YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH!!!!!










HUGS AND SUPPORT.


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## Field-of-Dreams (Jan 17, 2008)

Denise said:


> I like your last post alot!
> 
> Your strong, sensitive, smart and courageous! It showed in your last post, you are strong and a survivor. You will get thru this with the help of your daughter and forum family.
> 
> ...



Yup, take the Texas tour. Plenty of space here, too!

We're all pulling for you- you can do it!

Lucy


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## Marty (Jan 17, 2008)

Just checking in to see how you are doing today and sending hugs.

They say that if your husband is fooling around, he'll buy new underwear. Check his drawers.


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## lvponies (Jan 17, 2008)

No new drawers that I've seen yet, but this time of year he's wearing long johns! It's going to be weird for him to actually have to shop for his own clothes!! He hasn't had to do that in years. I've bought all his flannel shirts, jeans, socks and his drawers too. He'll probably go and get all fancy now and buy something different. That will be good for him!!

Little sleep and too much coffee has made this morning the toughest so far. Went searching to find his wedding ring and found it in a little drawer of my dresser. For some reason, that made the situation more real to me. Kind of another sucker punch to my stomach. My dogs were ready to call 911 to have the men in white coats come & take the crazy lady away who was making all those funny noises!! I really don't know if I will ever be totally sane again!! It sure doesn't feel like it at this point. Trying & trying to find the strength I know is inside me, but no matter how far I dive down to find it, it's hiding at this point and not revealing itself to me. I'll keep looking and hopefully will find it soon.

Thank you all for being there for me!!! You are really helping a whole bunch!!


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## CritterCountry (Jan 17, 2008)

I am sorry this is happening to you. I know it is common for men to go through this at this age. My father did.

Turned out he had been cheating on my mom since we were babies with a lady I babysat for. I can't tell you how much I wanted to beat that woman. It nearly killed my mother and she is still going through rough days two years later. I know the heartbreak you are feeling as I have seen it

Sounds like he may be going through confidence issues. Or he is hitting his second childhood and wants to do new things. It isn't fair to you though. When you make a commitment you should stick to it through thick and thin.

Thinking about you and sending hugs..just know you WILL get through this..in time.


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## SunQuest (Jan 17, 2008)

Kim,

I appologize for this really long post, but I am hoping in some small way that it will help you somehow.

I have been thinking about your situation a WHOLE LOT. I was told exactly the same thing by my husband a year ago. I then found out that he was really good friends with a female co-worker and they wrote love letters to each other. The hurt and devistation that I felt when I read an email from my husband to her that said "I would be easier to quit eating then to live without you" about killed me. Not only did he say he didn't love me any more, but now I knew there was someone else that he thought he loved.

So when I read the follow quote in your post, some things jumped out at me that are the same very things that my husband and I have been forced to work on. The part that jumped out at me the most is in bold:



lvponies said:


> I know I'm not blameless for whatever has made Allen so unhappy, but I blame him for never ever talking to me about what was bothering him. I can't fix something if I don't know what's broken. According to him, he has been feeling this unhappy for a very long time. [/font]Allen's problem is that he is unable to talk about his feelings. We rarely had fights as I was the only one who would ever get mad about something. *As I yelled at him, he just sat there and didn't say a word. He never complains about anything, never asks for anything. * Unfortunately, I am not a mind reader so don't know what's going on in his brain. I am ticked off that he never even gave us a chance to fix the problems. He just stewed over it forever and then out of the blue, says it's over, he's miserable and that he doesn't love me. I don't think that's fair at all!!! Maybe I could have fixed something, maybe not, but he never even gave me a chance and that's not right!!


 


That statement is one of the things that I had been doing very wrong. Why am I yelling at my husband??? Do I yell at my coworks or people that are involved in my other interests but are not family? Nope.... So why is it ok to yell at my husband? He is the man I love. Should I not treat him with more respect and love and kindness than I do all others? What gave me the right to treat him as my kid and yell at him? Now I am not saying that I yelled at him every day, but what I am saying is that when I was angry, I didn't treat him with the respect that he deserves.

 


And then I was giving him further reason to keep things locked up. He was afraid I would get mad at him if he voice his feelings and didn't trust me. Why was this? Well many reasons, but the key one was that I was breaking a very important rule. I was taking my anger and hurt out on him when he told me something I didn't like. How is that promoting him to WANT to talk to me? So now we have an agreement. No matter what the other person has to say, we are not allowed to yell at them for it. And when we are afraid that we are going to step on the other person's toes, we always start off by saying "I have something I need to say, but I want you to promise not to yell at me when I say it." This way the other person knows that we are afraid of being hurt and the other person can then adjust their behavior before hand. This may not work for everyone, but it has been helping us to open up to each other.

 


And then upon further help, I learn that woman tend to "talk to death" everything. We go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on untill the point where the man shuts down. Men on the other hand tend to say or do something that shows displeasure and then for get about it as it is over and done with. Doesn't mean that they don't care or don't change. They just don't need to dwell on it like women do. Just learning this has made a HUGE difference in my marriage.

 


And other things I have learned, One is that I need to be the kind of person that I would want to love, hug, come home to, and to give my life for. When I think of it this way, I find that I have not always been this person. And what about treating my spouse as if I loved him with my last breath - no matter how I feel at that moment? 

 


If you are still able to talk with Allen, and if he is trying to be nice, why not try a different tactic. Why not just breifly ask him if he would be willing to read a book with you before any more decisions about your future are made as you have been together for so very long and you have children to worry about. Yes, put those children first and understand how they must be feeling to see their family turn apart. And if he agrees to read this book with you, agree that you will let him make the choice as to what he wants to do.

 


Hint.... I had my husband read a section to me and then I read a section to him. This way we BOTH participated in doing something together. We set a maximum amount of time that we would spend reading this each day. We did no more than on hour. Of course sometimes we didn't get far in the reading as we would have "ah ha" moments and would start talking. But we still limited it to the time frame we both agreed on and then when the time was up we did other things. My husband's biggest fear was that I would go on for hours ramming crud down his throat and so I had to agree that I wouldn't do that.... Like I said, I was doing the "nagging" behavior that was part of making him so miserable.

 


The book I am talking about is "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriages". I found it to be a HUGE eye opener and I can say that no matter what happens from here on out with my marriage, I have learned that I have made more than my fair share of mistakes that contributed to my husband telling me he is no longer happy. And because I have tried to change how I treat him, he is now acting happier and he is being more caring of what is happening to me.

 


Hope I am not offending anyone, but I figure he must still have a little bit of caring for you or he wouldn't be in your home right now and trying to talk with you. You still have hope, and it still isn't to late to try to rescue this marriage. But it will take you BOTH working harder than ever to do so.

 


And as another ray of hope, we have been doing much better in our relationship. My husband is now much more willing to talk with me. And he surprised me this past Christmas. He wanted to buy me a new wedding band for our 20th aniversary that was Jan 2. (I am waiting for it to be finished as it is a custom design 




 ) With the help of that one little book, my husband went from litterally having an emotional affair (devistating me totally) to wanting to be with me again. We now go out for dinner once a week every week. Just the two of us. Yep, I have to pay for it, but it is worth every penny as we actually are spending good quality time together. Just the two of us. 

 


And just to let you know, my husband and I didn't agree with everything in the book, but we found ourselves genuinely talking.

 


Again, sorry so long, but like I said, I am a woman and can talk things to death. LOL.


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## Denise (Jan 17, 2008)

Excellent post Sunquest! You could have been describing me (except the co-worker part)

Scary but I see myself doing some of those things-boy that was an eye opener for me. This whole situation has got me thinking differently.

I think I better count my blessings.


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## Cedar Ridge Farm (Jan 17, 2008)

Kim,

I am sooo sorry you are going through this. I will add you and hubby to the prayer list and know that although you feel like you are alone, all of us are only a phone call away. PM for my number if you want. Will be here for you *anytime!!*

God Bless,

Peggy

Sunquest....






Good advice for all of us even if we've been married for 24 years


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## Jesper (Jan 17, 2008)

very interesting post there Nila


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## Basketmiss (Jan 17, 2008)

You hit it on the mark Nila!

Alot of men DONT talk and like you said we women seem to talk them to death! ( I am guilty too) Men tend to shut down their feelings and the more they say NOTHING the worse it gets inside of them.

I have friends who say they never fight and have the best marriage BUT we see something different. She always gets her way because he shuts down his feelings, she can tell him shes mad but he NEVER tells her the same! That is not human for him to always be happy with EVERYTHING she says or does, even if its not nice! He just shuts down because 1st he is a man, but he thinks it is easier to just give her her own way. So he never stands up to her so in turn he is an butt to some innocent person who might walk up and speak to him, he is rude, because he has kept his true fellings for her so deep inside and takes them out on others...

I'm not saying this is what happened but it does sound like he has kept his feelings to himself, instead of talking. that is where a counselor comes in. They get you both to talk about all the things you havent and clear the air and start anew...

People who close down their feelings do have heart attacks, panic attacks, ulcer, etc, because your body can only hold in SO much and then it blows...

Emotions control so much of our bodies and most people dont realize this.. They can make or break you..

So cry-cry-cry, get out those emotions you are hurting I know.....I hope your husband can try to do the seem, an emotional cleansing as it were...

((( HUGS))) to you. Maybe if he gets out his feelings then he will come back to you and you all can start over ...


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## SunQuest (Jan 17, 2008)

Jesper said:


> very interesting post there Nila


Why Jesper! Glad to see your post! Have any thoughts on this whole situation that may help Kim any? It would be good to hear a Man's point of view if you are willing to share.


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## outlawridge (Jan 17, 2008)

Kim,

My heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. May I ask if you have a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus? He is who you need to turn to, and with a true heart. Give this crisis to Him. If you do not know Him, please consider it, your life and heart will be renewed, and you will be amazed. I pray that He holds you in His loving embrace and carries you through this time in your life.


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## lvponies (Jan 17, 2008)

Nila,

Thank you for your post. I have recognized many of these issues in our marriage. I do believe that Allen totally shuts down and stops listening to me at all when I've yelled. I have tried very hard over the past years to stop doing that, to talk instead of yell and to listen if he wants to talk. Unfortunately, after many years of me yelling, I think it was just too late to make a difference. I think tuning me out is automatic to him now even when I'm talking quietly. I did blow up at him over the holidays and I think that also contributed to where we are now. He left to go see a buddy and I knew they'd go out drinking. He doesn't drink much at all ever, but over the holidays, he likes to get together with his friends and cut lose. Anyway, he was gone for over 12 hours with no word to me. I called his cell phone for several hours without him answering. By the time he called me at 9:00 at night, I was past worried and truly ticked off. He knows that I just want him to call so I don't worry about him. If he calls, I'm ok and won't give him heck. When he called, I started screaming and yelling at him on the phone. As you said in your post, I treated him like a child with no respect. I really think this was the beginning of the end. That was the night he told me how I had let myself go, etc. I didn't scream at all about that as I was totally stunned that he would say something like that to me. Calmed my butt right down!!

I honestly don't think Allen wants to work to save the marriage at all. I think he is past done with me and is ready to move on. However, I'm going to get brave and come right out and ask him if he would be willing to work on the marriage or not. It's scary for me to even contemplate doing as I am so very sure the answer will be no. If by some miracle (which I'm not at all counting on) he says yes, then I will order the book you recommended and see if we can work through it together. It sounds like you and your husband are on the right track. I am so glad you were able to work things out the way you did. Thank you very much for sharing your experience with me!!!


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## SunQuest (Jan 17, 2008)

lvponies said:


> I honestly don't think Allen wants to work to save the marriage at all. I think he is past done with me and is ready to move on. However, I'm going to get brave and come right out and ask him if he would be willing to work on the marriage or not. It's scary for me to even contemplate doing as I am so very sure the answer will be no. If by some miracle (which I'm not at all counting on) he says yes, then I will order the book you recommended and see if we can work through it together. It sounds like you and your husband are on the right track. I am so glad you were able to work things out the way you did. Thank you very much for sharing your experience with me!!!


Kim,

I too was VERY VERY scared to even ask. Chris had always said he didn't believe in counceling and that made it much worse for me. I went and bought the book first. It is comon in most book stores and I figured that I would read it so that my next relationship would be better than the present one.

Well, when I asked Chris if he would do this, I found out that even though I thought our relationship was totally gone, he was willing to at least read it with me. He cared just enough about me to want to see me deal with the seperation easier and by me telling Chris that it would be his choice to stay or go and I wouldn't whine, cry or yell at him when he made it, it gave him an out. At the time I didn't understand this, but now I do. I was finally giving my MAN the choice to decide what he wants. I was treating him with respect and letting him feel like a MAN instead of a child.

Start off by apologizing to Allen for treating him like crap (even if you don't truely believe it.) It will probably shock the heck out of him to hear you say that. Then tell him you understand where he is coming from and that if he is not happy then neither are you. Let him know that you care about his happyness first and formost. I bet that will at least get a look of releif on his face.

And you may have to accept that he doesn't want to try. But at least you know you have tried to change the situation. Further, even if it doesn't help you and Allen any, just reading it will help you to understand why Allen would feel the way he does. Understanding is so very important in getting beyond this in what ever fashion that it should happen.

Please, feel free to call me or pm me if you would like. I will be more than glad to talk with you if you pm me for my phone number.

(((Hugs)))


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## lvponies (Jan 17, 2008)

Allen & I had a good long talk tonight. Very calmly, no screaming or yelling at all. This is what I understand from what he told me. He feels like his life is about over and he wants to go out and find some sort of happiness. He doesn't feel the kind of love for me that he should. He said that he's always felt that after the kids were grown that he was out of here. He and I have had a rather boring marriage.....never go anywhere, never do anything together. My interest has been the horses, his has always been hunting. He wants some fun in life and to see what's out there. I asked if there was anything we could do to try to save the marriage and he said that he just doesn't have those feelings for me and wants to do this for himself. Asked him if it is worth it to throw away his family, his children and his farm and after much soul searching, he feels it is worth it to do this for himself. He said that he would stay through the winter and get some things fixed around the house that have needed fixing. He said that even going forward he would help me out when he could. He's not walking out and leaving me with the bills and pretty much saying forget you as some men have probably done. He's honorable and he cares about me and the family, but needs to do this for himself. At this point in time, there is no saving the marriage. It's over. I told him that I sincerely hope he doesn't regret his decision at some point in the future. He also that there is a good possibility that this is a mid-life crisis. So.....It hurts like I can't explain that he doesn't love me in that way, but it feels better that he's not just walking out and abandoning us. I think we can have a somewhat friendly relationship going forward. My daughters are both extremely upset and don't understand how their father could do this to them. I honestly find it hard to understand too, but it's happening, no getting around it, this is our new reality. I honestly don't think he has ever been "in love" with me. I know he cared and loved me in his way as he has shown me that many times throughout the years, but it's never been a truly in love passionate relationship. Guess I have adapted to that through the years and it was ok. Guess he finally figured out that our type of relationship just isn't enough for him and truly, I guess it wasn't really ever enough for me either. I had just gotten used to it and it was "normal". If that makes sense? So.....I told him I loved him and wished him the best going forward. Told him that I hoped he found the happiness he seeks. Told him how much I appreciated everything he's done for me over the years. He's a good man who had to make a difficult decision to improve his life. I don't think he's ever put himself first before. I sincerely hope he finds what he's looking for out there. I'm glad he's not just going to drop out of sight. I am sad and hurt that he doesn't love me like that when I do love him like that, but you can't make people feel what they don't feel. He says there is no other woman and I believe him. He also said that while he's still living here he would never seek out other women. Said he would never do that to me. So.....my marriage has ended. Stick a fork in it, it's done!!! I'll heal eventually and the pain will subside. Stuff happens and you can't always control it!!

Thank you my wonderful forum family!!!! This week has been the week from heck for me and all your support, hugs, advice and caring for someone you've never met has astounded me. I could never, ever put into words how much you have helped me and how much I have appreciated you all.



{{{BIG HUGS}}}



to each and everyone of you!!!


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## Denise (Jan 17, 2008)

Aww dang it Kim! I was hoping just maybe that he would change his mind.

These days ahead are going to be rough but remember we are here for you.


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## Cathy_H (Jan 17, 2008)

I have not read all of your posts so don't know if this has been mentioned or not. Is your husband on any kind of medications? I heard someone recently who was telling about his horrible experiences while on a certain medication. I understand personality / attitude changes, suicidal tendencies etc can occur?


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## The Simple Life Farm (Jan 17, 2008)

Kim,

Maybe if you approach your new relationship with him as a frienship, it may help ease the pain. I feel that husbands/wives must be friends first, then lovers. The following months will be hard, but lean on us when you need to.

If you want to get away, I live close to Denise, so you can come visit us both.

At this point, I would consider making very small changes in your finances. You have to look out for you and the girls first. Keep your head held high, life is not over, it only feels like it. It will get better, but just changed.

Kelly


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## bluetaterbaby (Jan 18, 2008)

My prayers are there. I'm so glad you two were able to talk. We're here for you.

God bless,

Joan


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## SunQuest (Jan 18, 2008)

Kim,

I am not sure what to say and to make it worse I am not a counseler so these are just my thoughts for you to do with as you wish and I will not have bad feelings no matter what you do.

I honestly believe that Allen has some sort of feelings for you. He isn't just leaving you, but I actually think that this is harder on you than if he just walked out as you are stuck putting up with knowing that he doesn't care for you in the same way as you care for him and you are not even sure where things will go from here.

I still recommend reading "the proper care and feeding of marriages", or much hbetter yet, the other one called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". And as you read this book, make sure that you accidently leave it to be found by Allen. Don't shove it down his throat and don't expect him to ask you about it, don't expect it to work miracles at first, or at all. But this will SHOW him you care enough to try anything to help him. Words are just words to him at this point. But your actions will tell him so much more than anything else. Show him that making him happy is very important to you.

While you have to take him at his word at this point, and not to give false hope, but you have a couple of months to make drastic changes to your relationship if you choose to try. Of course you can also choose to let it be and move on. My suggestion is to prepare yourself for the worst and hope for the best. Do what you need to protect yourself and your children first.

But let me say this much. His feelings have not always been the way they are now, and even though he says all is done, doesn't mean that it really is as he obviously cares enough about you to not have another woman in your lives and to also try to make your transition easier so that you are not homeless. This speaks HUGE volumes about the kind of man you have and that he really does care about something. Not sure how your new relationship will look in a few months from now, but now is when you will have the best chance to influence it for the better.

I went back and reread what Deb (Whitestar) wrote. Listen to her. She definately sounds like she understands as Allen is where she was. He NEEDS a change. He NEEDS to feel like he is important for a change. He needs to feel alive. His heart attack probably opened his eyes big time. His own statement that he is not sure if it is a midlife crisis or not tells me that he isn't sure about this either, but he is very sure he doesn't want another year of feeling unhappy and without hope. Yet he is leaving a very small window open by saying this could be a midlife crisis. In his own way it sounds to me like he was asking for your understanding. (note: you don't have to like it to understand it...)

So decrease the horse count. Pay someone else to either hay for you or buy hay. Heck, if Allen follows through with this, then you probably would be better off not worrying about the horses until you get your feet back under you. Not easy to do, but in the long run it is probably going to be easier on you. Dress up. Have fun with the family. Truely enjoy your few moments together as a family, if not for yourself, but for your kids so that their pain may be eased some.

Next ask yourself this. What did you do and how did you act when you were trying to find your true love? You need to do that now. FOR YOU. And if Allen notices the changes in you, good.

What he was telling you about you letting yourself go was not that he cares what you look like, but rather that he notices that you don't care enough about him to look your best so that he can take pride in you being his woman. (Hope that makes sense.)

So, this being the case, time to start to try and turn other guys heads, not to make Allem jealouse, but to give Allen a reason to say "I am glad she is mine". If Allen leaves, you are a step ahead in the hunt for your new life. If Allen notices that you are trying give him a reason to be proud to say that you are his, that may help. In either event it is positive for you.

Next, treat Allen as if you were trying to make him fall in love with you. What I am saying is that Allen is screaming out at you that he is lonely in his world. It is a miserable world and he is ready to change that. While there is a good chance that depression and midlife crisis may be the issue, you not noticing or caring about his true happyness is not helping. Think back. When you were dating your world revolved around him. Everything you did was to try and impress Allen or to show the extrents to which you will go to make him happy. I would even bet that you went hunting with him and showed tons of interest in his hobbies and somewhat sacrifiece your own to be with him.

What do you do now to do that? I don't mean the every day things like dinner, laundry and dishes. I mean how do you show him you care about his happiness? Do you ever call or text message him with just the simple message of "I miss you and just wanted to hear your voice?" or all the phone calls about things that need to be done and when he will be home? When was the last time you smiled at him and said "I am glad you are home" or "You being here right now is the best thing that happened to me today" and not had any underlying reason to tell him that?

Again, I have no real answers as I am still trying to put my marriage back together after years of severe neglect from both of us. But after reading those books I can definately look back and see where many things went wrong. I got some peace in understanding. I was able to make some changes in my own behavior to help with no expence to my well being, wants and freedoms. After all, if neither person is willing to start the process of changing, then nothing will happen. And you changing how you are going to act and treat Allen is much easier than you changing Allen. If you make positive changes in your behavior, it won't hurt Allen one bit.

One thing to remember is that Allen will react to what it is you do. Start to show him how much you love him. Make him your first priority with your children just a very small fraction of a step below that. It has been pointed out to me that in many marriages the husband is placed last behind the wife's career, hobbies, and need to care for the children. How can Allen be happy when he feels that he is the last one to get any thanks or recognition for his sacrifices, and in the end it results in him not being able to love you.

Ugg.. I am rambling. But as you can see, I have had to examine these things in my life. My husband had not only told me he was out of here and that if being married to me meant that he had to live the way he was, then he would rather die, but he went further to say that there were others out that that made him feel alive and special. I let my family and horses and dogs get in the way of my own husband's happiness and in doing so I sacrifed my marriage for what made me happy. I forgot that while the other things are very important to me, none are more important than the man I chose to live my life with.

I am not saying that it is all on you and all your fault. But, what I am saying is that out of the two of you, you sound more rational than Allen. If you make the first step to change this marriage, then Allen has no choice but to react to what you do. May or may not be what your heart desires, but change will happen.

All you can do is do your best. Pick up the peices of your life and do the best you can to repair it. If Allen chooses to change his mind, so be it. If he doesn't, then you can consider all the hard work to change the way you show your love to Allen as practice at changing all the bad habits that years of a neglected marriage creates so that you can treat the next man better and so that the next man will love you so much more than you ever dreamed of.

(((hugs))) and keep your chin up. We are here for you.


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## lvponies (Jan 18, 2008)

Good Morning all!! I am feeling better today then I have all week. Had a good night's sleep which I'm sure helped immensely!! Still woke up at 5:30 which is my normal time, but there's no school today and I had my alarm set for 7:00.





I've learned alot this week and still have much more to explore and discover. I have been in a rut and our marriage has been in a rut. I haven't been happy either. Life has been boring and dull. Just one day after another with little excitement or fun. Feeling like I was 80 years old!!! No spring in my step. Well......this is a perfect opportunity to work on me, for me. Get in better shape, become a better person, become happier with my self. Shake things up. Not for Allen, but for me. Not at all sure what the future will hold or exactly what I need to do for the new & improved me, but have some ideas. Not going to make any drastic, sudden changes right now as I'm afraid to do too much at once just in case it's a reaction to what's going on in my life right now. Don't want to make impulsive decisions that I may regret later. Some things I can do right now though......get in better shape & eat better, make that appt to go to the doctor's and get Chantix to quit smoking, look better when I go out (for some reason even though it's totally alien to me & feels weird, I do feel better when I look better). Work on getting decent pictures of the horses so I can put some up for sale. Maybe work on some projects around the house. Would love to paint my kitchen and put in a new floor. Maybe, take a class or 2 at a community college. I'd love to put more gardens out like Karla's (barnbum) beautiful place this spring. I don't know. Still in the ideas stage. The point is that I want to do more for me! If Allen takes notice, great. If not, that's ok too because I'm not doing it for him or to try to keep our marriage together. I'm doing it so I can feel better about myself. Ok...it's scary for me. That rut has become awfully comfortable and it's going to be hard to drag myself over the edge & out of it, but it will never, ever happen if I don't at least try!! Baby steps at first.

You know.....I'm kind of excited about it. I haven't been excited about anything in a long, long time. I need a slogan, a mantra, something to keep me going as I climb out of my familiar & comfortable rut. I know it won't be easy and there will be times I get sad & depressed, so if anyone has any ideas of positive sayings that will keep me going during the times I doubt myself or feel that I want to give up on myself, I would love seeing them.

Meanwhile....I will continue to support Allen on his quest for happiness. Does anyone else think of this as the quest for the Holy Grail or am I just warped? I will respect him, give him his space, not nag or harp on him and encourage him on his journeys. Maybe he'll become a better person too and like himself better. I'll always and forever love him and appreciate him being a part of my life for so long!! And...I'm going to order the books Nila suggested and leave them lying out somewhere where he can't help but notice them.



I did send him a text this morning thanking him for talking with me last night and hoping he has a good day.

Anyone else out there in a rut who's willing to try to climb out with me? Share your journey out? My rut is pretty dern deep, so it's going to take alot of digging to find my way out. One hand hold at a time....One day at a time....Breathe in, breathe out.......

edited for spelling correction


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## CrescentMinis (Jan 18, 2008)

Good job, Kim, I hope this is a great day! I've been following this thread and I have to say it has been a big wakeup call for me and I thank you for sharing. I could see my husband wake up and do the same thing as Allen one day. My husband actually bought the Proper Care of Marriage book for me a few years ago and gave it to me to read, and I was irritated by that at first, but eventually read it. I can't honestly say I changed much though, and I know it has practical advice in it. I'll be rereading it now.


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## minisaremighty (Jan 18, 2008)

lvponies said:


> Anyone else out there in a rut who's willing to try to climb out with me? Share your journey out? My rut is pretty dern deep, so it's going to take alot of digging to find my way out. One hand hold at a time....One day at a time....Breathe in, breathe out.......


This is what I've learned from my experiences the last three months after we realized we were in a rut...

I just wanted to give you some hope and encouragement about getting out of that rut. I'm very impressed with your attitude this morning and think you are headed down the right track. You want to make change and you want it for YOU. THAT is the most important thing to getting out of a rut. Even though my husband and I are working together to create a whole new life together, we still had to come to this from an individual point of view. I'm making changes in ME for ME and he's making changes in HIM for HIM, however, because we are both so much happier in ourselves, we are happier as a couple. We've both lost weight, we both eat better, we've taken a couple classes together, we've taken class apart. I'm on a personal journey to make myself happy and he's on one to make himself happy.

Happiness starts from within. Do what you have planned, focus on yourself. Let him focus on himself. Who knows, you guys may find each other again or just become good friends, either way, the real ultimate goal should be for both of you to be happy.

Good luck to both of you!


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## lvponies (Jan 18, 2008)

Faith!!!





I'll bet there are lots of marriages like mine out there. I hope my experience helps others to open their eyes and take a look at their own marriages before it's too late. I took mine for granted. Didn't nurture it or help it to grow. I put more time into nurturing my minis and the garden then I did with my marriage. Just assumed the marriage was what it was and that it would always be there, but did nothing to ensure it's future. Neither one of us did. Hoping if I am ever fortunate enough to fall in love again, that I will have truly learned and absorbed the lessons from this marriage, so I can do better next time. If love isn't part of my future, maybe I will have just come out of this a better person. Who knows? All I can do is try!!!


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## Denise (Jan 18, 2008)

Count me in Kim! There's alot I need to change, this has really opened my eyes. Today I am actually going to get out of my jammies and put on decent clothes, not sweats and overgrown shirts. I'm going to put make up on and suggest we go out for lunch. I'm going to start watching what I eat to, I need to lose 30 pounds. I'm right beside you!

One suggestion on your horses, instead of selling what about leasing them. This way you still have the option of getting them back if you still want them later down the road.


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## lvponies (Jan 18, 2008)

Denise





I would like to lose about 30 lbs too. Well.....actually would like to lose about 50 lbs, but that seems like an awfully big number for right now, so will stick with 30 and see how it goes. I don't recommend the husband is leaving me and I'm too depressed to eat diet plan, but I have lost 6 pounds this week!!! With the previous 3 I lost, a total of 9 lbs lost in the last couple of weeks. Can't tell by looking at me, but the scale swears it's true!!! So I will believe!!! I love the ab lounge we gave my daughter for Christmas. Sit ups have never been easier and am committing to using it everyday and to try to increase the # of situps each day. Did 40 this morning already and 15 for each side too. Need to incorporate some cardio exercise too. Maybe start taking minis for walks again. I did enjoy doing that in the past, but haven't done it in a long time.

The future's so bright, I might need shades!!!


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## Charley (Jan 18, 2008)

You mentioned taking off your wedding ring. I wouldn't do that just yet....as you are still married and not really looking. In today's world it is safer....at least for now. It might even remind Allen of his and your commitments. A little reminder won't hurt.

If you have a church...go. If you don't have one....find one. Right now is the time to lean on Him.

HUGS!!


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## SunQuest (Jan 18, 2008)

Hey, you all know I am there with you. It is an extremely difficult rut to get out of. Kind of muddy and well, it sucks you back in. But keep fighting it. Everything else will fall into place and be what it was meant to be.

Hugs, and I am so glad that you are doing better this morning.


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## Sandy S. (Jan 18, 2008)

YOU SOUND SO MUCH BETTER TODAY!!! HANG IN THERE. I think just about everyone that has been married for very long has been through this, there will be good times, bad time, forgiving times, and time to find themselves. It takes commitment on both parts to make it work, sometimes just commitment hanging in there for hope on just ones part. Both still have to find themselves and then hopefully find the marriage and commitment again. I just think in our world today it is to easy to say this marriage isn't working anymore and I want out. Marriage is about commitment good times and bad, better and worse, the thrill of hormones of love fading and coming back, giving on both parts, thinking of the other persons feeling first, being a friend besides a lover.

I still hope things will turn out for you the way you decide you want it to go. It just make take time for you both to find yourselves and then maybe your love again.


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## qtrrae (Jan 18, 2008)

Kim,

You sound so much better today, I feel good just knowing that you are feeling better. You have been an eye opener for me, also. I know that I take my husband for granted, I am so involved with my horses and other things in life that he just gets my time "if" I have any left over - which isn't very often.

I remember when we were dating and I did everything possible to spend time with him, now that we are older and have been married for many years it seems like I look for ways NOT to spend time with him. That is so sad. Your situation has been an eye opener for me, I am really going to get some new life into my marriage.

I'm sorry that you are going through this but I do think by you sharing with the rest of us - it will be an inspiration for many of us.

Hugs to you, Kim and thanks for helping me realize that my husband and my marriage are worth taking much more time and effort then what I have been giving it.


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## Reble (Jan 18, 2008)

This might help. You go Girl



Sounds like you are starting a new life.

Keep us posted....

http://www.marriagemax.com/marriage-counse...alternative.asp


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## Magic (Jan 18, 2008)

Kim, I am so very impressed with you!



Talk about "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade"! You are the poster-woman for that! And you are not only working on improving your own life, you are inspiring other people to do the same.

However this works out, you are going to be ok-- you are smart, and strong, and have a super attitude. You go girl!!


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## lvponies (Jan 18, 2008)

WOW, Magic!! You made me blush!!! Thank you for your very nice words!!!

Ok......for the beginning of the rest of my life.....I am going to go out to the movies tonight by myself for the very first time!! Going to do my hair & makeup and look decent!! I am scared to death!!! But it will be dark in there and I'm sure some people go to the movies by themselves, don't they? Think I'm going to go see The Bucket List. I have never really done things by myself. I'm basically very shy, so have never even eaten in a restaurant by myself. Not going to try that tonight though!! Maybe another time. Called Allen to let him know I was going out and he suggested I call his sister and see if she wants to go, but said nope...want to go by myself. Told him that I needed some fun!! Plus, I love movie theater popcorn!!! Why am I so scared over this? He hasn't been to the movies with me in years. Normally I go with the girls to see what they want to see. Well, I want to see this movie so I will go. It's awful though when the first playing is at 7:50 and my first thought is, but that's so late!! I know, I'm pitiful!!!


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## Reble (Jan 18, 2008)

Good Start





Never say never


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## SunQuest (Jan 18, 2008)

lvponies said:


> WOW, Magic!! You made me blush!!! Thank you for your very nice words!!!
> 
> Ok......for the beginning of the rest of my life.....I am going to go out to the movies tonight by myself for the very first time!! Going to do my hair & makeup and look decent!! I am scared to death!!! But it will be dark in there and I'm sure some people go to the movies by themselves, don't they? Think I'm going to go see The Bucket List. I have never really done things by myself. I'm basically very shy, so have never even eaten in a restaurant by myself. Not going to try that tonight though!! Maybe another time. Called Allen to let him know I was going out and he suggested I call his sister and see if she wants to go, but said nope...want to go by myself. Told him that I needed some fun!! Plus, I love movie theater popcorn!!! Why am I so scared over this? He hasn't been to the movies with me in years. Normally I go with the girls to see what they want to see. Well, I want to see this movie so I will go. It's awful though when the first playing is at 7:50 and my first thought is, but that's so late!! I know, I'm pitiful!!!


Oh you are not pitiful! Just stuck in a rut. You need some time away from it all.

And hey, when was the last time you asked him what he would be interested in seeing and then asking him to see it with you? You can enjoy the popcorn and he can enjoy the movie. Win win if you ask me.

But tonight is your night. Go out and enjoy yourself.


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## Jesper (Jan 18, 2008)

well people go to the movies all the time alone, I especially noticed this in the states, they arrive together but each go watch their own movie (you can't talk during the movie anyway and if you do I will come smack you).

then meet up again after the movies are done, talk about what eachother watched and have an enjoyable night.

since I am single, I end up going alone most of the time and it don't really bothers me, I go out and eat dinner on my own as well, I can go exactly where I want and get what I want and see whatever movie pleases me. So I hope you went to the movies and had a great time while enjoying your popcorn.

other then that, sure you can ask him what he wants to see and go see that with him, if he wants to. never been in your situation so I wouldn't know how to handle it, all I know is that you shouldn't do something you don't want to just to please someone else, if that someone else wont do the same to you.

Jesper


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## minimama (Jan 18, 2008)

I haven't posted yet as i have been dealing with storm damage to our house. but, I wanted to say after reading Some of the posts made, there is a country song called "She let herself go" If you have not listened to it, you need to. It so fits what you are going through right now.

You hang in there, no matter what, you will learn from all of this, you have helped others because of this and you have plenty of people here that care a great deal about you.

hugs your way! Can't wait to hear all about the movie experience.


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## LindaL (Jan 18, 2008)

lvponies said:


> WOW, Magic!! You made me blush!!! Thank you for your very nice words!!!
> 
> Ok......for the beginning of the rest of my life.....I am going to go out to the movies tonight by myself for the very first time!! Going to do my hair & makeup and look decent!! I am scared to death!!! But it will be dark in there and I'm sure some people go to the movies by themselves, don't they? Think I'm going to go see The Bucket List. I have never really done things by myself. I'm basically very shy, so have never even eaten in a restaurant by myself. Not going to try that tonight though!! Maybe another time. Called Allen to let him know I was going out and he suggested I call his sister and see if she wants to go, but said nope...want to go by myself. Told him that I needed some fun!! Plus, I love movie theater popcorn!!! Why am I so scared over this? He hasn't been to the movies with me in years. Normally I go with the girls to see what they want to see. Well, I want to see this movie so I will go. It's awful though when the first playing is at 7:50 and my first thought is, but that's so late!! I know, I'm pitiful!!!



This is a huge step...and I am sooo happy that you are doing this!!! Trust me, you will get braver and even eat dinner alone in a restaurant (which isnt so bad....lol)...and enjoy doing things by yourself. I do!! Of course, sometimes you want friends or family with you, but being ABLE to do things on your own two feet is a very liberating feeling!! You go girl!!!


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## lvponies (Jan 18, 2008)

I almost chickened out. Got most of the way there and thought....I just can't do this. Just can't! So tried to call my daughter to see if she wanted me to drive all the way back to pick her up and take her to dinner. Luckily after many, many attempts to reach her, she didn't pick up her cell. I just kept driving towards the theater. I am sooooooo glad I did!! If you haven't seen The Bucket List yet, please go see it. It is one of the best movies I've ever seen!!! I just loved it!!! And...no one looked at me weird for only buying one ticket, standing in the popcorn line by myself, sitting by myself. It was ok. I did it and made it through and had a great time all by myself. Laughed out loud, cried out loud. It was just so good!!! I may take my daughter and see it again!!


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## Reble (Jan 18, 2008)

Good for you



I am so proud of you



Now what is next


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## ClickMini (Jan 18, 2008)

Good for you!!! I saw the Bucket List last weekend with my parents and sister. It was great! I think also a good movie for you to watch right now. Time to get out there and do some livin'!


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## LindaL (Jan 18, 2008)

lvponies said:


> I almost chickened out. Got most of the way there and thought....I just can't do this. Just can't! So tried to call my daughter to see if she wanted me to drive all the way back to pick her up and take her to dinner. Luckily after many, many attempts to reach her, she didn't pick up her cell. I just kept driving towards the theater. I am sooooooo glad I did!! If you haven't seen The Bucket List yet, please go see it. It is one of the best movies I've ever seen!!! I just loved it!!! And...no one looked at me weird for only buying one ticket, standing in the popcorn line by myself, sitting by myself. It was ok. I did it and made it through and had a great time all by myself. Laughed out loud, cried out loud. It was just so good!!! I may take my daughter and see it again!!



Good for you!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## The Simple Life Farm (Jan 19, 2008)

So glad you went through this HUGE first step towards independence. After my parents divorced, my mom said one thing that has stuck with me for 25 years..."we don't have to go through this life two by two". She was a very strong woman, and did many, many things by herself.

This is the time for you to do things for yourself and girls. If it is meant to bo, then Allen will come around. Remember... when you don't know what to do, do nothing.

I can hear it in your posts, that you are keeping your head high. Keep up the work, you have it in you.

People eat out all the time by themselves, doesn't mean they are weird. Might want to start with a fast food joint first, and work your way up LOL. Have fun, and find the new you that is hiding inside. We are here for you.

Kelly

PS... glad you didn't give away about the movie, cause I am going tomorrow!!!


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## Jill (Jan 19, 2008)

I'm happy you went and had a great time!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Denise (Jan 19, 2008)

Good for you Kim!!





It's those first little steps that are the hardest!

Soon you'll be up and running and doing those things you thought you could never do.


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## Mom2Cami (Jan 19, 2008)

I've been following this for days..I'm so vey proud of you and the decisions you are making. Keep it up!!!


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## lvponies (Jan 19, 2008)

Allen and I are driving up together today to see our oldest daughter who is in rehab. Both my daughters thinks it's really weird that we're doing this together!! They keep asking.....you're both going?? Yep, we are!! It's about a 2.5-3 hour drive one way through the mountains of WV. MY oldest daughter said....well we are going to talk about this then. I told her not to beat him up. He's doing what he feels like he needs to do, but he still loves both his girls. She thinks it will be weird and awkward. Told her it will be just like normal and not to worry about it. Not like we're fighting or putting each other down. So...we'll see what she has to say to him. Both girls have already said that they will hate any woman he ends up with. I told him that maybe he should hold off introducing anyone he's interested in to the girls until he's serious about someone.

I don't know what's next for me. There's a little gym about 10 minutes away from me. Years ago I enjoyed doing step aerobics. Might run by there and see what kind of classes they offer. It would be fun to get involved in a class again.


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## AppyLover2 (Jan 19, 2008)

I've been debating for days whether or not to jump in here. My first thought was "someone's finally given me an opportunity to say things I've wanted to shout from the roof tops for years", then became reluctant to do it. But here goes.....

Let me start off by saying I'm 65. I've been divorced twice. The second time twenty-some years ago (26?, 28?). Who knows....but at the time it practically destroyed me! I'm not pointing fingers here, not saying anything about anybody; just expressing my opinions about observations I've made over the years.

I have a friend who's been married forever yet at times I've seen her talk to her husband like a dog. I've watched her behave that way for years and wondered why he was still there. A few years ago she found out that he had been having a long term relationship with another woman. Needless to say, she was devistated. She couldn't face the possibility of living without him and I actually think she'd have committed suicide if he hadn't decided to stay. She told me sooo much was going to change. She was going to be a better companion, lose weight, dress nicer, etc, etc, etc., All those "changes" lasted about as long as a snowball in you know where. The really sad thing about this is that those of us who know this couple understood why he was seeing someone else.

I know another couple who I never once heard exchange a cross word. She was always dressed nicely (with make-up) and always met him at the door with a kiss when he came home from work. I guess theirs was an "old fashioned" marriage (it was, after all, my Dad and Stepmother), but I've never seen 2 more compatible people. I don't think things like that happen by accident. I think it actually takes work and commitment to one another.

I'm not saying that it's only the woman's place to make home a happy place to be. After all it does take 2 people to make a marriage.....just like it takes 2 to destroy one. In my opinion "fault" or "blame" are only important when we're trying to make ourselves feel better. When you get right down to it.....what difference does it make whose "fault" it is????? The important thing is to fix it before it's too late.

What I AM saying is that if you're like my first friend it just might be time to *wake up and smell the coffee*. Please believe me when I say that just because you're tired of picking up his dirty socks doesn't mean that there aren't plenty of women out there who would be happy to do it. I know...because I'm one of them; and you can bet that I wouldn't complain when I did. Most women don't want to break up a marriage, but there are a lot of us who would be willing to pick up the pieces. Think about it!!


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## Reble (Jan 19, 2008)

lvponies said:


> Allen and I are driving up together today to see our oldest daughter who is in rehab. Both my daughters thinks it's really weird that we're doing this together!! They keep asking.....you're both going?? Yep, we are!! It's about a 2.5-3 hour drive one way through the mountains of WV. MY oldest daughter said....well we are going to talk about this then. I told her not to beat him up. He's doing what he feels like he needs to do, but he still loves both his girls. She thinks it will be weird and awkward. Told her it will be just like normal and not to worry about it. Not like we're fighting or putting each other down. So...we'll see what she has to say to him. Both girls have already said that they will hate any woman he ends up with. I told him that maybe he should hold off introducing anyone he's interested in to the girls until he's serious about someone.
> 
> I don't know what's next for me. There's a little gym about 10 minutes away from me. Years ago I enjoyed doing step aerobics. Might run by there and see what kind of classes they offer. It would be fun to get involved in a class again.



Sounds like you two should have time to talk. Good Luck

The gym sounds good also...


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## Sanny (Jan 20, 2008)

there are so many posts on this that after a while I just skimmed through the pages but a couple of things stood out to me. For years and years we've done foster care and we are required to have 30 hours of specialized training a year and between the training and actual experience raising several teen-agers with issues and taking a variety of different meds - usually anti-depressants, mood stabilizers and anti-psychotic drugs, your husband absolutely is displaying (and admitting to) all the classic signs of someone clinically depressed and also thinking suicidal thoughts. A depressed and at-risk person will often say all the same things he has said to you, wanting to get rid of belongings and responsibilities, disconnect themselves from friends and family, etc. all the stuff your husband is saying. He needs to see a professional for evaluation and maybe consider meds on a trial basis - if nothing else to see if they make him feel differently or to prove to himself and others that he doesn't need them or they don't make a difference. I've seen the right medication completely change a person for the better and once they are better they look back and can't believe how different they are feeling. Your husband also had a rough year and coming out of that could have been the trigger that has thrown him into a mid-life depression. The difficulty is getting him to agree to see someone and try meds. With kids it is easy, you just tell them what they have to do, with adults you have to get them to agree to it.

Moving beyond the first thought I had of the depression and possible mental health issues, my other thought was that he is either seeing someone or is interested in another person. I thought back and couldn't think of a single couple that I've known over the years that has split up that one of them didn't already have someone on the side they were either seeing or were interested in getting involved with. Also, fresh in my mind is that someone I know that recently had her husband decide he wanted a divorce and he insisted there was no one else and she wanted to take the high road and split on good terms and hold her head high and be civil to each other and play nice and help each other "move on" and all that and she eventually found out that not only was there someone else, it was her BEST FRIEND. She had absolutely NO IDEA they were carrying on a dirty little affair right under her nose. She couldn't figure out when they would have been seeing each other. They didn't actually see each other in person a lot but they did manage without either spouse having a clue (yes, she was married too) they spent a lot of time secretly talking on cell phones and e-mailing and chatting online and writing love notes and would sneak off to meet each other whenever the opportunity presented itself. When she confronted them her (former) best friend actually said to her "I hope we can still be friends". I am still a little disapointed in her for continuing to be so civil and nice to her ex-husband even after she found out about the affair and she said she felt humiliated and stupid. She has moved on though and bought her own place, took up new hobbies, traveling and is doing all sorts of stuff strictly for herself and seems to be happy and liking being single. OH...and another thing she said about it is that she "should have known" something was up (the affair) because he (like your husband) was a very passive person and not the sort to take the initiative to do anything and also (like your husband) never fought and never really talked much and all of the sudden he was wanting a divorce and is willing to talk things out and wants to be friends, etc.

Also, if you end up staying together and trying to work it out, a couple of things stood out to me in your posts ......... I found it interesting that you said you and your husband hardly ever fight and that he doesn't talk a lot. I think you both need to learn not to be afraid to open up and fight with each other more and say whatever you want to say and talk everything out more. My husband and I have been together for nearly 20 years and we fight and argue all the time about everything from dumb little stuff like "what color the sky is" to the big life decision stuff, though usually we have a blow up and yell at each other but manage to come to some sort of compromise or at least agree to disagree. I can't remember ever fighting and going to bed that night still angry because we always manage to end up talking whatever the problem is out. if you and he are going to work on the relationship you need to talk more about everything big or small. My husband and I talk all the time. If he is gone for the day working we call each other several times throughout the day whether we actually need to talk about something or one of us is just checking in with the other for no reason. If he finds it difficult to express himself verbally or it feels awkward in person, maybe you should consider writing letters back and forth or e-mailing to start opening up the communication more.

You also need to try to get out more on "dates" and get away together for quality time. For us what works best because of our schedules and our kids ages is we usually try to go out to lunch together several times a week and since we both like movies we try to see a movie once or twice a week. (we also just saw the "Bucket List" and thought it was a great movie) Even just running errands with each other gives us time together and the chance to talk.

Also if you end up staying together, try to find some common interests or active hobbies to pursue together. For us it is our horses, movies, books and of course our kids. Just try to find more mutual interests. Maybe go on a couple retreat together?

Another thing, I'd suggest, unless you really hate this stuff, is take time to pamper yourself and get your hair done, buy new clothes, join a health club, etc. No matter what happens, you will feel better about yourself, you will lose the weight you say you want to lose and you will get out more and possibly make some new friends. I still can't believe he told you you have "let yourself go" If my husband told me that.......

Beyond that, if your husband really truly has no interest in at least TRYING to work through this together and stay together, if I were you there is NO WAY I'd do a single thing for him or make this easy for him from this point on. He acts like he wants to be all nice about it all but in my opinion it sounds like he just doesn't like confrontation and is looking for the easiest way out and the path of least resistance and is just saying all that so that you don't cry and fight and make him feel bad and make it harder for him. Basically he wants you to make this as smooth and easy as possible for him. Screw that. In my opinion he is treating you like a doormat and he is throwing away a long-time marriage that doesn't sound like it was all that bad for either one of you until now and is throwing away a relationship with the mother of his children without even trying to consider making less drastic changes or trying counseling or trying to work out the issues and make a better marriage. He could have come clean with you and said he is unhappy and needs to make changes in his life and included you in those changes without deciding to just throw your marriage in the garbage after all those years and move on. Let him cook his own meals, do his own laundry, run his own errands, take care of himself and let him have the freedom and independence he is craving. You sound smart and capable and perfectly able to take care of yourself on your own and if your daughters know everything you have shared on the forum they will respect you more through this if you are strong and independent and assertive and stand up for what is best for YOU not for him. Don't ask him for help with anything anymore, you don't need him. Any work he has been doing around the farm for you a handyman or hired man or neighbor can helo you with if you don't want to do it or don't have time to do it. If you love your farm, don't move. Why should YOU change your life and lifestyle because HE wants something different. You are not the one wanting a divorce and wanting a new life. If it is a financial concern about being able to afford your lifestyle on your own, consider maybe getting a roommate or a part-time job. I don't know what the marital laws are in your state, but here in MN if you have been married more than 10 years you qualify for spousal support and of course, you would get child support for any children still under 18. Let your husband make all the changes he craves and let him leave the farm behind and go find a bachelor pad / apartment and live his single life. If he wants to keep the fancy new truck tell him to live in that then. Then he doesn't have to worry about all the possessions he wants to get rid of.

I wish you luck and don't know if I was any help at all, but I think your husband is taking you for granted and needs some sort of a wake up call. Maybe go off on a spa weekend and get the big head to toe make over and some new clothes and get your friends to set you up on a couple of "dates" or if you don't have a friend that can do that, join a local singles group or support group and see how he feels about you and about working out your marriage then.


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## lvponies (Jan 20, 2008)

Thank you for the additional insights and thoughts re my marriage and marriages you all have had experience with. It's a lot to think about and believe me, I'm doing an awful lot of thinking lately. My brain aches!! I think we have both taken our marriage & life together for granted. Neither of us worked on it at all. It was just there. For right now, I am going to work on me, let him go if he chooses and try to find a life separate from him. Hoping he will miss us and come back, but if not, hoping I will be better prepared to live alone. Reality is that even though a husband was in the house, I was pretty much a single parent anyway. He has never been involved with either of our daughters lives. The girls and I go on vacation alone, school events alone, etc. He has been non-involved all these years. Now, in his defense, his father is the exact same way and Allen is living by the example he grew up with. My M-I-L made a life for herself outside her marriage. Social activities, trips, etc. I tried to get Allen to participate through the years, but he had little interest. Hey.....it's not fun sitting through some of these school activities, but I was there for everything and wouldn't have missed it or done anything differently!! We'll have to see what happens. If after his time apart he should choose to return....well things will be alot different or he won't be returning at all. He will need to make a choice to actively participate in our marriage or he can stay gone forever!! There are loads of opportunities for improvement!! He will have to choose if he wants to work me or not. This experience has been a real eye opener for me. Guess I spent alot of years sleeping through our life together and simply didn't see what was right in front of my face!! My eyes are wide open now!!

Ok.....about our trip yesterday...........couple of interesting things came out of it. Remember I went to the movies Friday? My daugher told me yesterday that she called and talked to her dad while I was gone. He told her that I had gone out on a date!! He kept telling my daughter how good I looked over & over!! She said that he sounded jealous. Mary told him that I had told her I was going alone, but he had trouble believing that and kept saying I had gone out on a date!! I think it's funny!! Plus, he's told me that I look "nice" but hasn't been real enthusiastic about it. I figured he wasn't noticing. Then yesterday on the way to the center, we stopped at a store. When I came back to the truck, he said this man was looking me up & down and then announced that to my daughter once we got there too. When he and Mary had a private talk, he kept saying how good I was looking too. So....He is noticing and I will keep it up!! If it makes a difference great. If not, I'm feeling pretty good about myself so that's enough for me. We didn't really talk about any issues on the way there or back. I did tell him that Mary had said it wasn't all his fault. I told him I agreed with that and that I had taken the marriage & him for granted and never tried to work on it. That it takes 2 people to get where we are right now, not just him by himself. He told Mary that he still loves me, but wants this time alone. She asked about divorce papers and he said he's not ready to go that far and will probably end up coming back. He said it's not about finding other women. If that should happen, then what? How do you deal/handle the fact that he's been out there alone and may/probably find other women? I really don't think I could handle that!! I guess we will cross that bridge if/when we get to it. It was good to spend time with him yesterday in the truck. It was pleasant & I enjoyed being with him. Think he may have enjoyed being with me a little bit too.

So....I continue with my own personal quest for happiness on my own. I will go to the gym and see about classes and my younger daughter is interested in taking some too so that will be fun for both of us. I'll continue to try to look the best I can even when I don't feel like it!!



I'll continue to try to treat him with respect and support his choices. I know Allen, if I cried and screamed at him, it will push him away even more. So.....I will remain calm. I will make the most of our time together before he leaves and will deal with him walking out the door when the time comes. I need him to make a choice to be with us. I wouldn't try to hold someone who doesn't want to be with me. He needs to get out there and decide if our marriage & family is worth it to him. If it's not, then fine. Hoping he will decide to come back & fight for it.

But for now........I am grinning ear to ear that he thought I was on a date and that bothered him!!!



The feelings aren't completely gone regardless of what he says!!!!


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## Jill (Jan 20, 2008)

{{{Kim}}}

I am giggling!!! I thought getting all dolled up and going out without him would get his wheels turning











No matter what, you are doing the right things for YOU


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## Charley (Jan 20, 2008)

Glad to see that things are working for you.

But I still feel that his depression needs to be addressed. Please don't give up on getting him to see a doctor. Seeing your strength and changes, may add to his negative feelings about himself.


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## Basketmiss (Jan 20, 2008)

Thats does sound like he was jealous!



I'm glad he is noticing you and he did tell your daughter he still loves you.. I knew he hadnt stopped loving you...

Keep doing what you are doing for YOU and if Allen chooses to jump on board and thats what you want then fine...

I hear such HAPPINESS in your posts, so at least your feeling better from the beginning of this week..





Keep us posted...


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## Marty (Jan 20, 2008)

Well you may have noticed I have hardly said a word so here I go:

I think you have moved on too fast. I don't blame you for getting a bit fixed up and heading out to a movie if you think that is helping your self esteem. And heck yes I let myself go. I was all of 115 or so pounds when I married the Hus and then got pregnant at 35 and again at 37. I was plum worn out running with two babies trying to be a super mom and still holding on a job and never put my kids with a babysitter. I had to also take care of my aunt and my mom who had alzheimers and change their diapers too for years in my house and feed them like they were babies too and listen to them screaming all the time. Then I had to watch them die and then my brother die. So yes I got fat and didn't take care but I had my family together and what do you think I looked like at the end of the day? And of course we experienced the worst, the loss of our first child which could have easily been the end for us but again, we continue to hang in there together. So it just seems to me you have done little to nothing significant to try and fix this mess and save your marriage. Don't you want to even try?

If it were me, I couldn't start planning my new life until I was possitive I did everything in my power to save my old one. I think a lot of people here are almost acting very flippant about this. It sounds almost like some are encouraging you to go out and play games and have a blast but I don't think it's funny that he thinks you went out on a date. That is the last thing I would want him to think. Like I said there is nothing wrong with you trying to work on yourself if that is making you feel any better. But that is also very superficial and shouldn't even matter and come into play. This is about you, the real you, the person that you are, and doesnt' matter what you wear or how your hair is or how many pounds you put on. You are still beautiful on the inside and that is what matters.

So once again, I'll be different and say I hope you can save your marriage and that he can see a doctor for a possible male menapause imbalance and whatever else is bothering him. I do wish you the best of the best.


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## lvponies (Jan 20, 2008)

Marty,

Right now Allen doesn't have any interest at all in trying to work on or save our marriage. He has says he doesn't love me and that he had planned on leaving anyway when the kids are grown. All I've been trying to do is spark just a little interest so he's well aware of what he wants to throw away. If I get him thinking of me in a more positive light, then maybe I can reach him and then work on our marriage. I don't believe there is any point whatsoever in trying to hang on to someone who has made it very clear that they don't want me. I need him to change his thought processes and see that maybe, just maybe he might want me after all. Until I can get through to that part of his brain that remembers that he loves me, there is nothing to work on. Meanwhile.....without any pressure on him, I am subtly working on our marriage. Maybe these things are stupid and won't have any affect at all, but at this time, knowing this man, I need to play a few mind games. I have made it very clear to him that I have absolutely no desire to end this marriage and that I love him with my whole heart. His answer to me is, that he can't force himself to feel something for me if he doesn't. I am banging my head against a brick wall and all I'm trying to do is make a few cracks in his resistance. If putting on makeup, nice clothes, watching what I eat helps, create those cracks then I'll do it. I love Allen more then anything, but I can't in anyway Make him love me. All I can do is try to stir some of his memories of when he loved me. I am doing what I think will work with this man. If it doesn't, then all I can say is that I tried my very hardest. If it does work, then believe you me, we will be having conversations and working on our marriage in any way that we can. First....I have to get his attention. I have to smack him upside the head and remind him of what he will be losing. Make him think that it won't be as easy as he thinks to walk away from me. He is as stubborn as a bull, but then so am I. We are both Taurus'!! He is also very smart. It won't do any good to beg and plead for him to stay. He Knows I want him to stay and still he plans on leaving. I have to give him a reason to even think about staying.

This whole thing is killing me. Tearing me up inside. Imagine what it must feel like to have the man you love tell you that he's not in love with you, has never been in love with you and is miserable with you. Imagine that pain!!! He's not saying....hon we have some problems, let's work on them. He is saying......I don't want you Kim, I don't need you Kim, I'm leaving you Kim. So.....if what I'm doing doesn't work, then I tried. At least when he's gone, I can console myself with that. At least I tried _something._


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## RJRMINIS (Jan 20, 2008)

Kim,

I am very proud of you! I am glad you are doing what you feel is best! I hope it wakes him up, but if it doesn't I think it is helping you to see, yes there can be life without him!

Hang in there!!!!


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## Just Us N Texas (Jan 20, 2008)

You see, what Marty and what I tried to explain to you earlier, is that you both need to see a counsellor! If he is depressed due to male menopause, or the heart attack, he can have these thoughts! His defense mechanism will make him tell you that they started long ago, not recently. You need to make an appointment with your doctor ASAP, and discuss these developments with him/her together, then you need to see a counselor ASAP after that. You certainly know your husband, but, depression and male menopause need to be addressed medically. Did I mention ASAP? If you also see the counselor, it will help you understand all the feelings you're having, and help you cope with what is going on.

Marty nor I (I am sure) do not pretend to be counsellors, but we're a little older and been through the grind of life a little longer. We are trying to advise you with the wisdom of age and experience.

I am certainly happy that you have addressed some things that will make you a happier person, and feel better about yourself. While my first husband was dieing of Cancer, I picked up some booklets from Dr.'s offices about how to help the patient and their family cope. One of the first things in those booklets was to keep yourself looking the best you can. When you do that, you will feel much better about yourself.

Please, even if your husband won't go to a counsellor with you, make an appointment at the soonest possible time, and go by yourself.


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## Whitestar (Jan 20, 2008)

One of the things that I see over & over in your posts is the you keep saying "what he chooses". I hope that you will think about what you deserve. Although I am very much all for keeping a family together & working like heck to keep a marriage intack, it does take two to work. If you are doing all the work, are you really going to be happy? What is it doing to your self esteem? I bet you felt alot better about yourself until he came in & knocked you down. Dont put all your self esteem into one man. You have to feel good about yourself & find happiness in yourself & it in turn will shine to the outside world. Dont give others the power to make you feel so inferior, dont you deserve someone that wants to be with you, that wants to love you, that wants to do things for you, that wants to hold your hand or worry about you? Every woman does, just as every man does. I still think that he is suffering from depression, but having said that just as you cant not drag a horse to water & make it drink, you can not convince someone they need help unless they are willing to make a change. I am not saying that you should go out & divorce this man, but I am saying that you need to sit down & have a heart to heat talk with him. You need to tell him that you want a future with him, but it is not something that he is willing to work on then you will be moving on. You need to make him realize that he does not have all the power in this relationship. That he is not the one making all the decisions on who stays & who goes, who loves & who does not. You deserve more than sitting home waiting for a man that does not love you & unless he is willing to actually work on the relationship in the next 6 months then I would say you need to make some decisions. LIfe is way too short to spend it like this. I have been through this on my first marriage & you know what, life seems like it sucks, but you find a much stronger & better person inside, someone that does not need someone else to make you happy, but can find someone else to add to that happiness. My second marriage is 16 years & going strong & we are more in love every day.


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## Sonya (Jan 20, 2008)

I agree with others who mentioned couseling...but if has no interest in going, then you can't make him...Just work on making YOU happy...that is what is important here....you.


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## The Simple Life Farm (Jan 25, 2008)

Kim,

You haven't posted on this in a few days, how are things going? I have been thinking about you. Let us know.

Kelly


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## Reijel's Mom (Jan 26, 2008)

It sounds to me like you are on the right path! Take care of yourself and possibly/hopefully, the rest will follow. I don't disagree that your husband might benefit from an evaluation/counseling, but if he's not interested in it trying to get him to do it is only going to push him further away from you, as will trying to "force" yourself on to him.

You didn't tell him you were going on a date the other night, that was his assumption and your own daughter told him that wasn't the case. I think if you'd lied and told him you had a date that would be unfair, but I think you are in the right not to have to tell him everything you are doing nowadays!

My 2 cents - just continue to be honest with him like it sounds you have been - that you love him very much and want the marriage to work but in the meantime you've decided that you need to take a little better care of YOU. There is nothing wrong with that for any of us! And he doesn't need to know all the details of what that means exactly unless he asks and you choose to share with him.

Good luck - we're all cheering for you!


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## lvponies (Jan 26, 2008)

Thank you very much for thinking of me!!! This week has been somewhat better then last week, but I've still had some times where I broke down and lost it. Been doing alot of objective thinking when the emotions don't butt in. I really think this break up will be best for both of us. Looking back over the years, Allen & I loved each other, but never truly loved each other in the way soul mates or spouses should love each other. We have affection for each other due to our long history together, but no passionate love for each other if that makes sense? I made a list of all the things I felt Allen had done wrong during the marriage (in my opinion). In reviewing the list, I've come to the conclusion that the man is unable to emotionally connect with me or possibly anyone. He has never been there emotionally for me or his children. He's told me many, many times throughout the years that this is who he is and he cannot change. I know he's cared for me, but as I read through the list I realize how many times throughout the years when he wasn't there for me or our children. He just wasn't there for any of the milestones in our lives or even for the day to day stuff. I did it all in taking care of the children and the house. I'm the one who was there when the kids had a school function or when they needed a hug. I dealt with unforseen situations when they came up alone. When the kids or I were sad, we were never given hugs or encouragement. Honestly, even though we've been married going on 18 years, I was alone and lonely the entire time. Yes, he was definitely there when things needed doing.....hay, fence, fixing stuff, but he was never there emotionally for me. I equated him doing stuff for me and our home as how he expressed his love. He is not someone I would ever go to to talk about my problems or feelings and he never talked about his feelings ever. He never touched me casually, no hugs, no kisses just because, no hand holding. I am a physical person and tried for the longest time to reach out for him, but when it wasn't returned, eventually gave up. He never enjoyed my company, wasn't happy to see me or the kids at the end of the day, we did very, very little together and rarely went out socially. We were basically roommates through the years. There just wasn't an emotional attachment between the 2 of us. My daughters have suffered and feel that he doesn't love them or care for them. I'm just so sorry that my eyes were closed for so long and didn't realize how much they needed their father's love and attention and how much they were suffering for not receiving it. He was here physically, but not here for us, if that makes sense. He's really a very good person inside, but is unable to let that wonderful person come out. At least to me. I really truly think that he will be unable to let it out for anyone. Maybe if he got professional help he could possibly one day be able to connect with someone, but don't think he will ever be able to do it on his own. He's told me that he's not "in love" with me and feels that he is unable to be "in love" with anyone. Looking back through the years, I believe that. He was very good to me, dependable and trustworthy, but there was a huge chunk of what a marriage should be that was missing between us.

So....it's best that he leaves.....for both of us. I admire his courage for realizing that even though we have all these years together, we were never truly happy together. I have pledged to overcome any fear I have of the future alone as I have always been truly alone anyway. There was just another body in the house. I keep telling myself that I've been strong all these years and will be strong going forward. There really won't be much difference in him being here or being gone. We talked the other night. He has committed to doing things around the house before he leaves. Alot of these things need to be done outside and it's just too cold right now and they can only be done during weekends anyway. Told him he could go ahead and leave when he wants. He doesn't have to wait til spring. He said he would think about it. He has arranged to stay with a single man he works with who lives about 10-15 minutes away. He said he wanted to be close in case we need anything. I would prefer that he just go and start his new life. I hope in time that he realizes what he has thrown away and regrets it. I will never take him back unless he came back a changed man. Through all this, I have realized what was lacking in our relationship and have determined that I would rather have no man at all then what he & I had together. I am hoping to one day (way in the future!) to find a man who loves me totally. Who wants to be with me and enjoys my company. Who accepts me as I am and loves me anyway. If I never find that man, that will be ok too. I can't be any lonelier alone then I was the past 19 years. Just to let you know.....I absolutely do NOT blame all this on Allen. There is plenty of guilt and regret riding in a pack on my back too. My main failing, I feel, is that he told me time & time again that he is who he is and was unable to change. I accepted that and never really pushed for change. I loved the wonderful soul he is inside and adapted to the rest. I honestly do not feel that we can truly change anyone. Either we accept them as is, or we determine we can't accept them and move on. It's an absolute waste of time to try to mold someone into what you think or feel they should be. They are what they are!!

Anyway.......My daughter and I did join the gym that's nearby this week. We went to a step aerobics class that enforced how truly old and out of shape I am. I made it through the class and was just happy not to have a coronary!!! I have lost 11 pounds so far. Still watching what I eat and working on the ab lounge everyday. I am going to Lowes today to look at paint for the kitchen and try to pick out a new floor. Allen has asked a friend to help him put down the new floor in the kitchen and possibly a new floor in the main bathroom too. Need to get the kitchen painted before the floor can be put in as I'm not the best painter!!!

I feel that I'm going to be ok. Might even be better alone. When you're alone without your spouse, you don't have to waste all that time wishing & hoping for someone to give you the love you need when they are incapable of doing so. I wish Allen the best and hopes he find the happiness he seeks. I feel that he won't find it until he works on himself and finds happiness within himself first. Don't know if he will ever figure that out or not, but there is nothing I can do for him in that regard.

Thank you for thinking of me and checking in with me!!! Things are getting better with me and I have hope that the future will be even better!!!!


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## AppyLover2 (Jan 26, 2008)

Kim you said several things in your last post that I was glad to read. Hang in there. It's tough but I found that it's easier to be lonely when you're alone than it is to be lonely when you're with someone. And "alone" doesn't necessarily mean "lonely". I wish all of you the best with whatever the future holds.


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## The Simple Life Farm (Jan 26, 2008)

I am happy that things are going well for you. It sounds like you have done alot of soul searching, and came up with a plan. Your last post was very insightful, glad you have the strength to move forward. I wish the very best for you and your girls. The months ahead will be hard, but you can pull through them. Remember, we are here when you need us.

Kelly


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## Brandi* (Jan 28, 2008)

I am arriving a little late on this but I just wanted to say that I am really sorry that all this had to happen to you. It makes me very sad and I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel. I'm so happy that you have the forum to come to for support. From reading all your posts I can tell that you are going to be just fine, no matter what the outcome


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## zoey829 (Jan 28, 2008)

Life is so hard. I hope you stay strong, and one of my favorite quotes is, "and this too shall pass"


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## PrestigeMiniHorses (Jan 29, 2008)

I wish I were closer to you I know I would give you a big hug and just listen to ya. Seems to help me when I am feeling down. I wish could offers words of advice other than what everyone else has said but I must say they have pretty much taken care of saying it all. I am if you need someone to just vent to. I know that helps sometimes too. feel free to pm me


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## Rootin Tootin (Jan 29, 2008)

My heart goes out to you!!!

It seems so unfair for you to be going through such a shocking time, ESPECIALLY if there was no fighting ... not ugliness. Life just throws these things at you when you least expect it?

I see from all the posts to your message that you are supported and warmly hugged....

I sincerely hope that your days bring you peace and happiness.

If you need to talk, just let me know. (I have had my share of 'surprises')



lvponies said:


> I have no friends. I've worked from home for the last almost 10 years and I have no people close to me to talk to. My mother has passed away, so don't have her either. So, wonderful forum members, my only family, I am coming to you with my troubles.
> 
> So.......my husband of 17.5 years has told me that he no longer loves me and hasn't loved me for a long time. He cares about me, but isn't "in love" with me. He says he isn't happy and wants to move on. He says there is no one else and that he doesn't feel he is capable of being "in love" with anyone. He wants to be on his own with no one to "report" to. He's always been since I've known him, very closed up with his feelings. Non-demonstrative & closed up with his feelings. So, this has come as a total shock to me. He says he's not happy. We went through an awful lot in 07. He had a heart attack a year ago, my oldest daughter's legal problems & drug problems. 07 was a really bad year and I had really hoped that 08 would be better. Guess not!! It's an awful feeling to be told that you are no longer loved. I always thought that down deep he loved me. Now he's saying that after all these years that he's never felt "in love" with me. We're both 47 years old. Mid-life crisis maybe??
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