# It's all just bad. Makes me wish...



## RainSong (Jun 1, 2008)

I wrote this a few days ago. The only reason I'm cutting and pasting is because I cannot retype it all without breaking down again. I've spent the last two weeks in a severe depression due to this. Actually, it started before this (long before) but was stable for awhile. Worst part is, each time I start to get a little better, I find something that was done, or something new hits, and wammo. I'm back to almost crying, or just numbly fogged.

I don't like being on antidepressants, but I am so tired of feeling like this. The only reason I'm up at all during the day is Nathan- otherwise I'd sleep as much as possible, eat when I had to, and then go stare at the TV in mindlessness till I could sleep again. Truth is I've felt like this a lot since Christmas time, had a reprive, and now it's back.

Found out too, even when we get our stimulus check, we most likely won't have the money to move. The cast of gas, and of the things we had to buy to get by, etc ... won't equal out. Not unless Dave gets a lot more money for his first paycheck then we expect. So, mid-month next month we're in serious trouble.

_____________ (LOTS OF READING) _____________

My mother decided to move in February. We live with her... "we" being my husband, son, and I. We have for two years, ever since our return to Oregon. My husband has been looking for work since May 12th. We've been living off savings. There are three adults besides us in the household, though my step-dad is usually only home on weekends, and doesn't share a room with my mother (don't ask- she prefers the couch).

My mother always said "we" when mentioning the move. About a month ago, my brother tells us my mother has applied for a credit check on a house. A TWO bedroom house. That means one room for him, one for my step-dad (and my mother's storage uses). Excuse me? What?

Two weeks later, we're told "We got the house".

Not once has my mother ever said anything about us not being allowed to move with them. The conversations we were not included in about houses tipped us off before the credit check, however.

Thankfully, my husband has found work- he found it the Monday after the Friday we were told they were moving out ASAP.

This last weekend, they moved. And it's been one huge attempt at screwing us over, I swear. We had to use our move money to get supplies now, rather then waiting (can't cook if you don't have things to cook in/with). They moved my fish (my only pets, my babies) and left them sitting around with no heaters/filters on- and they're all TROPICAL fish. And yes, they know fish.

Then they run off with the freezer- 75% (or more) of the stuff in that thing was bought BY US. Next day we're given a pittance back- and some of it is stuff that had been in that freezer since BEFORE we moved in (two years, remember?). That same day I asked about the computer chair I use- that they have no place or use for.

We had to, again, make a run to the store- this time for food. Thankfully I had cleared our stuff out the fridge- but they left us the fridge that once held rotten meat for weeks at a time, still smells weird, and you can't leave open containers in- I think it probably has something growing in it somewhere, despite being bleached to heck and back again. And no, they didn't NEED the fridge they took- my mother just wanted the automatic ICE MAKER that's in it.

When we got back from the store, we ended up having to ride herd on my sister's toddler and our own son, then there was the moving of fridges, etc etc.

It wasn't until they'd left (leaving the kitchen a pig sty) that I had a chance to realize... THEY TOOK THE COMPUTER CHAIR. And left me a broken one.

My mother was so "gracious" as to say "Well, you can stay till the middle of next month" after the first round of moving stuff the weekend before this last one. All the while making it sound like she was being so wonderful for "allowing" this. Both days of the move, one where we had pretty much nothing we COULD cook, we ended up having to go out for food- and my mother knew this, all while she also knows WE DON'T HAVE THE MONEY TO SPARE because she never bothered to tell us we had to look for a place, and now we're short money because of this crappy mess (and the stimulus check BS... ugh). Meanwhile, each night she's hauling everyone out and feeding them... BUT US.

The year, I have slowly been being cut out of family stuff, and slowly been being treated like I am not family. The last six months saw quicker progression of this, and the last month itself it's increased and is now practically complete. My mother has humiliated me by treating me like some lesser, unworthy person- as if I am not "good" enough to be a part of her family. And I watched her treat my brother like a saint for months during this time.

I hate crying, but I've done it. Never in front of her, only once in front of my brother. If it weren't for my son- he loves his grandmother so much - I would cut my ties until such time as all the hurt and anger fades.

As is, I don't believe he'll see his grandmother again until the holidays (Thanksgiving and such), unless she comes and visits- which is about as likely as her saying she's sorry for this mess.

Poor kiddo. He's gone from having family to not seeing his uncle and grandmother at all (used to see them daily after all, for two years now), and his Daddy has to go away during the week so we can save money to move. It's hard... Monday through Friday evening, sole caretaker and the only adult in a mostly empty shell of something I once called home.

Oh yea. They took the washer and dryer too. I found out last Friday that they were doing so, they took them Saturday- despite the fact they knew we needed to do laundry ('nother expense we needed, right? -.-). I also found out Friday that the house they're renting now... is a three bedroom, not a two bedroom. Fenced yard, no dogs- perfect for Nathan.

My mother made a comment about it how it was going to be nice not having a toddler running around all the time.

She'll miss us both when we're gone. She'll have to do her own chores. No more Boo cuddles.

She's putting her dog to sleep, putting one cat in the pound, probably one dog too- she can't be bothered to find the cat and dog a new home (I tried, fliers and all, for the dog- she didn't help at all). The other dog... well, putting her to sleep is actually for the best; she's old and have very painful hip/backend issues.

They aren't done moving, either. And I'm watching/feeding her fish, her dogs, and her cat until she does something with them all.

I want to break her things. I want to scream, and yell, and find someplace dark and quiet to hide from it all.

I thought we were actually starting to get close, my mother and I. I guess it's a lie, all of it.

I don't even know what I did to deserve all of it.

___________________________________________

She came over after I wrote that. Had to drop off dog food.

She comes to me and she says "You know I don't want you to feel like you're being kicked out, or anything. You're not. You guys really need to be on your own. You were only supposed to stay with us for a few months, and you're your own family."

I said nothing. Didn't even look at her. She knows darn well the reasons we haven't been ABLE to move, and knows darn well we were planning once Dave was working.

Words. That's all it was. Worthless words.


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## Sonya (Jun 1, 2008)

I am so sorry you are going through all of this....I know what it's like to be alienated by your parents...I have three sisters, one has passed, the other two are really great people but I always felt like an outsider. My Mom always favors the one and my Dad the other. I am the only one in the family who has been successful on my own, without the help of anyone, I sometimes felt cheated. I am close with my parents and I just ignore it now, I use to cry over it occasionally, but my husband is my family now and I focus on that and just spending as much time as I can with my parents, who yes irritate me beyond belief now (I suppose it's their job




) but I know they are not going to be around a whole lot longer. I let lots roll of my shoulder.

I wish I had some great words of advice, but I don't except you need to focus on you, hubby, and Nathan...I know the added financial pressure is probably what is sending you over the edge. Do you have health insurance? If so, I think it would benefit you to talk to someone about all these pressures you have. You need to be as healthy mentally so you can to get through this tough time, especially for Nathan. I hate to hear someone is depressed, as it is just a vicious circle. If anti-depresents will help I don't think it's a bad thing right now, but of course you need to be talking with someone too, you can't deal with all this on your own and medication is not the only answer.

I wish you the best and if I was there right now I'd give you a big hug. Hang in there, things will get better, but only if you have a positive attitude...at times it's not going to seem like it, but they will. Be strong. I'll be praying for you. Hugs.


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## FairytailGlennMinis (Jun 1, 2008)

There are programs out there to help young families get on their feet. You might try contacting WIC--I bet food stamps would come in handy. The department of social services may be able to provide advice as well. There are a lot of resources out there--it is just a matter of tapping into them.

I understand that this bites for you. Maybe have your hubby take Nathan out for a bit and then sit down and have a good fit--yell, scream, curse, cry--just get it alllll out. Then pick yourself up and say "okay--what can we DO now?". The way it happened may stink for you, but I doubt any baby bird is ready or likes it when it gets pushed from the nest. Turn this into a positive--dig for those resources and govt. programs, get the help you need (they often have low-income housing to help even!) and then look forward to being your own family. You can't change your mom or brother, so that is wasted energy. What you CAN do is enjoy your husband and your beautiful little boy.


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## horseplay (Jun 1, 2008)

"You know I don't want you to feel like you're being kicked out, or anything. You're not. You guys really need to be on your own. You were only supposed to stay with us for a few months, and you're your own family."

Maybe it is time to take care of yourselves. This might sound harsh but as adults that's what we need to do, seeking help for a bit is fine but thinking your mother is supposed to take care of you and your family is asking a lot. Maybe this was her way of pushing you out of the nest so to speak. Good luck, maybe this will prove to be a good thing for everyone involved.


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## RainSong (Jun 1, 2008)

horseplay said:


> Maybe it is time to take care of yourselves. This might sound harsh but as adults that's what we need to do, seeking help for a bit is fine but thinking your mother is supposed to take care of you and your family is asking a lot.


I shall explain one thing here. We have never expected her to support us, or take care of us, and she was not. It is true we were not paying rent or household bills; instead, we were buying 75% to 90% of the food for the household, and I was doing most of the house hold chores because no on else would. The amount we paid in food alone covered the cost we would have been paying in rent.

We paid our own bills, paid for our own gas, toiletries, etc. Paid her back too, for what we borrowed when things were really bad in '06.

She refuses to see what we have been contributing, as evidenced by her saying "I buy most the food in this house", and the measly amounts she sent back when they took the freezer without splitting things up. It's pretty bad when I could walk out there and see very few things we didn't buy, most of which had been in the freezer since we moved in in Feb. '06- and she still says she buys most the food. She also has never accepted that I did most the cleaning, despite the pain and problems cause. She'd swear, for instance, that she vaccumed (sp) up after the dogs... when she has vaccumed all of three times since I moved in with them.

We did need to get out; we were working towards that almost exclusively. She knew it- we had discussed it with her. I made it clear we could NOT DO SO till Dave was working and she agreed with me.

We do blame ourselves for it, somewhat. Dave should have looked harder for work- I should have pushed more (not that it would have gotten results). I'd say we should have saved more of our tax return, but most of it went towards bills.

At any rate, how hard would it have been for her to tell us "I'm sorry, I think you guys should get your own place?" and then give us the chance instead of dumping us like so much trash? I am not upset she wanted us out; I am upset at the sneaky underhanded cruel way she has gone about kicking us out- and how badly she's been treating me for so long. I am -not- worthless, I am -not- stupid, and I am not blind to her favortisms.

She's my mother and I love her for that. But right now, I hate her for the pain she's caused. She couldn't have done worse if she'd physically beaten me.


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## RainSong (Jun 1, 2008)

FairytailGlennMinis said:


> There are programs out there to help young families get on their feet. You might try contacting WIC--I bet food stamps would come in handy.
> 
> Turn this into a positive--dig for those resources and govt. programs, get the help you need (they often have low-income housing to help even!) and then look forward to being your own family. You can't change your mom or brother, so that is wasted energy. What you CAN do is enjoy your husband and your beautiful little boy.


Thankfully, we have foodstamps now- And I'll be calling Monday. Last time I called I got no reply; sadly, our case is lost in the shuffle. We have a high turn over at the office we're going to at the moment because it's the "burn out" office: Where they send everyone who is burning out and getting job sour



It'll complicate things that we are looking to change counties, I think, but anything is better then nothing.



Sonya said:


> I am so sorry you are going through all of this....I know what it's like to be alienated by your parents...I have three sisters, one has passed, the other two are really great people but I always felt like an outsider. My Mom always favors the one and my Dad the other. I let lots roll of my shoulder.
> 
> I wish you the best and if I was there right now I'd give you a big hug. Hang in there, things will get better, but only if you have a positive attitude...at times it's not going to seem like it, but they will. Be strong. I'll be praying for you. Hugs.


I will, in time, be able to do like you. Right now it's too fresh. I manage to be nice, polite, even enjoy my mother's company while she's around- until I remember it all and then I just wanna throw something and scream (not at her, my goodness, she may be old and hurt, but I still fear making her mad! LOL)

In time I'll be able to let it go and just shake my head over it. Couple previous things that have happened are like that, just head shaking unanswerable questions.

Thank you both, too. As much as I'd like to say I'm strong and can handle this all, and take all the criticisms anyone might aim at me... well, I'm not right now. We've been saying it though... "We will manage, somehow." and "You do what you have to do."


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## Magic (Jun 2, 2008)

Ouch. I'm really sorry for all the pain and stress you are going through right now.



If it makes you feel any better, perhaps your Mom didn't *intend* to hurt you by the way she did things, but was just afraid to come out and say what she felt, and wanted, and ended up botching it because of that.

I really hope that things turn out ok for you, with the upcoming move, etc, and please do get some help so that you can feel better emotionally. {{{Hugs}}}


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## Bard (Jun 2, 2008)

Does anyone else ever click on posts like these (and there are a few others I've scanned here, too) that make you squirm and feel awkward from TMI? There's no safe way to approach it unless it's the stock "You're in my prayers" or "I'm so sorry" approach. Fact often gets obscured by defensive woundedness.

There are no bad, mean people on this board. If they answer this post, it's because they care about you and hope for the best for you, even if it's frustrating to see such trauma and drama, and whatever's typed comes out with a myriad of different interpretations but the OP's intended message.

Facts:

You are a wife.

You are a mother, and these are the most important years you can share with your son.

You are an adult, and you're getting older.

You share a household with other people.

Nobody put a gun to your head to make you a mother or a wife, unless you're from that ranch in Texas, and the jury's still out on that. That's all on you, however you care to justify it.

Obligations:

Supporting and helping your husband all you can, since he's the only one who can drive, work, earn money, and, if I'm not mistaken, take care of YOUR son while you're asleep after an all-nighter in Azeroth. That means chores, dinner, taking care of things while he's gone so he doesn't have to when he gets back, not just loving him. You can't eat or wear love.

Taking care of household chores for your own family, and the one you're squatting on. You will not get a medal of honor for vacuuming or cleaning up messes- that's your obligation and job, regardless of how far past 1953 we have progressed. You'll be lucky to get an occasional "Thanks". By then, you'll wonder what for. If you don't expect support from someone else, how can you explain crashing in your family's home for two years? Buying your own tampons and deodorant is another goes without saying. Landlords don't do that sort of thing.

Getting a job as soon as you are able to. Please tell me you have at least a GED and a Driver's License? Why has nobody ever brought this up in-forum?

Staying on birth control, now that you know how babies are made and how much they cost in time and money. Seriously. This also counts for getting more pets. Pets require the same attention a human does. More pets, more obligations, more money spent. Don't add to the family until you can afford to take care of the one you have now.

Taking advantage of the services for families available to you, which means actually hunting them down and pestering them. They don't want to part with it, it's your job to go dig for it. You're headed in the right direction with food stamps. When your child is of school age, there will be programs available for him, too.

Finding therapy and medication that works, whether or not you like it. It's not about you. It's about the people you're sucking down with you who are too young to help themselves. Read up on fibromyalgia, too.

Change:

Your perspective. If you're not worthless or stupid, you don't need to prove it to us, but you do need to remember it when you're acting that way, and let it motivate you to change. Arm yourself with not only knowledge, but the ability to use it.

Your psychological diet. Like an emo- vampire, you're craving sugary, feel-good syrup like well-wishes and pats on the back from internet strangers instead of unpleasant fact you prefer to call criticism. You're draining people around you. You need real food for your brain, like motivation, pride, perseverence, and actually seeing yourself set goals and accomplish them. Might hurt your tummy a bit, but swallow it, it's good for you, and you won't starve. Also remember that before your son was born, anything you put into your body, he received, too? Everything you keep in your soul, he feels. Don't poison him.

If automobile, modern medicine, or food and drug standards weren't criticized, where do you think we would all be? China. Someone somewhere along the line has to point out flaws, and if they're hidden beneath sweet, you'll never taste the bitter catalyst that goads you into action. Needles and scalpels hurt, too, but you still need them to heal people.

Your approach. Rolling a D-20 doesn't cut it in the real world. Resumes, legwork, phonecalls, that's what it takes to level-up. Walk or drive or be driven where you need to go, pick up the phone, file online. Read the papers, take the kid along, leave it with a friend, do something other than sitting at home twisting your hands and typing, unless you're getting paid for it. Have you noticed that all people are offering you now is sympathy and prayer, and not places to go, jobs, and so forth? It's very hard to see someone with problems and wish so badly you could snap your fingers and make their hurts go away, but if you become too ingrained with a person who just doesn't want to make a change, their problems become your problems. Nobody wants double problems. When it boils down to that, it's every man (or woman) for him (or her) self. This I've probably beaten to death. You know what you need to do. You just need to do it.

Don't change the facts that:

You are compassionate, imaginative, idealistic, and talented.

You are resilient and strong.

You have the love of your husband and son.

You have a golden ticket to government aid- your demographic statistics.

You have people around the US pulling for you, if only online.

Reading sagas like these is like watching the tv and screaming at the characters not to make that move, go in that room, look in that closet. We KNOW where the monsters are lurking and how to steer you around it all, and will help you if we can, even if it means getting dirty and crawling to safety through the neighbor's rosebush hedges. We see your life from an impartial third-person point of view that is so helpful in unclouding the mind of emotions that toxically influence decision-making abilities. What we see makes us grimace and hiss in sympathy, but when it's seen again and again, we become desensitized to it, and eventually change the channel or turn it off and go tend to our own lives. The worst part, is that eventually YOU will become desensitized to everything, stop caring, and then where will your husband and child be? You won't care. That's bad.

You AREN'T in quicksand yet- it's just a big, scary jungle for now. You have to keep moving. Only when you stop and stagnate will you really start to sink. Which would you rather have if you were drowning- printed-out well-wishes from strangers, or a real life-boat? One feels better than the blisters and splinters you'd get from building your own boat, but you'll have to. The Titanic was living proof that pretty people don't want to yield their life-boats for third-class Irish immigrants. They had to make do with what they had. Some drowned. You won't. Nobody will let you drown unless you want a different color boat, push them away, or hang so tightly onto them that you pull them down with you.

Back to lurking or banishment for me.


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## mininik (Jun 2, 2008)

Bard, THAT was a truly helpful, honest, inspiring post.


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## Reijel's Mom (Jun 2, 2008)

Oh my! Who let Dr. Phil on the board?

Sorry.

In all seriousness, some very good constructive advice/opinion offered by Bard. I hope that it isn't overlooked.


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## Minimor (Jun 2, 2008)

Bard, that was a wonderful post, I think the most helpful post I have ever seen on this board! I was thinking much of what you said but had no idea how to actually SAY it, and so I didn't even try.


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## StellaLenoir (Jun 2, 2008)

Bard



very well said!


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## ChrystalPaths (Jun 2, 2008)

Bard! Standing ovation! Well said, well thought, well done!


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## minie812 (Jun 2, 2008)

WOWZAAA


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## horseplay (Jun 2, 2008)

Mine was only 4 lines, I'm not very good with words but wanted to say what Bard said



. Great post, great advise


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## Miniv (Jun 3, 2008)

Bravo, Bard! (Who ever you are.)





I guess it's called "tough love"?

My mother-in-law told me once, years ago, that we would look back on our early struggling years with great fondness some day...... She was right.

Oh, and for a replacement computer chair -- yard sales are great!


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## Charley (Jun 3, 2008)

I'm hoping that this is all taken in a constructive way by you, Rainsong. Life is not easy. We do have to grow up, separate from our parents and live lives of our own. You will come to appreciate this some day. I believe your mother has thought this out and probably had a hard time doing what she felt she had to do. She definitely is doing this out of love for y'all. She is doing the right thing. It would have been nicer if you had moved out on your own; not necessarily any easier. But she waited two years for that and it didn't happen.

You will survive. Wish you the best. Please look around at what you have and find happiness there. Don't dwell so much on what you don't have. You have so much more than many others with your hubby, Nathan, your mother, and other extended family.


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## Wee Mite Miniatures (Jun 3, 2008)

You do not have to spend a lot to restock a house. Go to yard sales. You will find great buys almost everything you need. Hit the rich neighborhoods. I have purchase some top quality pots and pans for my kids for a few dollars. Always offer less then they are asking. All they can say is no. Most people are just happy to see the stuff go. Estate sales run by some one other then the family are normally high priced.

Bard, Wonderful post. I printed it out to hand to my DIL.

Rainsong, your mother was a saint for allowing you to stay with her as long as you did. It is not easy to have you kids move back in with you along with spouse and children. Pick yourself up, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your life back together. Your mom can not do that for you, only you can do it. Make a plan. Make a list, keep it simple but accomplish one thing on it each day. Make a list of what you need and hit the yard sales on Saturday morning. Have a limit of how much you can spend but find a few of the things you need.

So many of us have had hard times, we have come out of it. BUT it is hard work.


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## Charley (Jun 3, 2008)

Hit yard sales at the ending time....many people don't want to take things back in and will give things away if approached. Most just take things to goodwill after the sale anyway. Churches will help also. They have things set aside just for situations like yours.


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## Sonya (Jun 3, 2008)

> Oh my! Who let Dr. Phil on the board?


Haha...that was a good one.

Although I agree with much of Bards post, which was very well written by the way, my position here is to just offer support...I don't think she asked for advice or opinions of what she should do. I found on most posts like these, advice only receives resentment from the original poster and/or others. I doubt anything anyone says on this board is going to be life changing for anyone (maybe it should be, sometimes , but it won't). Not all can handle constructive criticism well.

I hope things get better for her...I am in no position to judge her situation, nor is anyone else.


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## bfogg (Jun 3, 2008)

Bard,

I think your name is well deserved that was a wonderful thoughtful post and said many of the things I would have liked to have said or say but could not think of a way to say it.

I believe her mother did what she had to do and it was done out of love or maybe it was tough love but sometimes maybe that's what it takes.

I am sorry you are experiencing so much stress and pain. I have had my share of depression and it is so hard to pull yourself out of it . It usually takes meds and what I have found helps a lot is to do something nice for someone else, doesn't take money lots of things to do for others. Put baby in a stroller and go out and weed their garden,wash their windows,tidy up for someone who is sick, or elderly walk a dog .....

I have found over and over again the universe gives back to us what we put out there only it's magnified times 10.

So try to go and do something nice for someone else you will begin to feel better one step at a time. Good Luck







Bonnie

Wee Mite also a good post!


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## kaykay (Jun 3, 2008)

Be sure and check out Craigslist for your city. Go to the "free" column and check out what people are giving away. Sometimes you can find amazing free items and all they ask is you pick it up. I have seen big screen tvs, couches, washing machines, clothes etc.


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## Laura (Jun 3, 2008)

While I agree that it's hard to have tough times, I'm not sure why your Mom's moving HER things, bought by her, is such a hateful, hurtful thing? They are her things, it's her house, she moved and you *knew* she was moving. Did you ever ASK if you were going to be able to move with her? Were you packing to move if you thought you were moving with them? 

 


You three having been living there for TWO YEARS, NOT paying rent or contributing more than food. You and your husband BOTH were not working, but were living in her house, using her utilities, spending your savings and neither of you were out EVERY SINGLE DAY looking for work? I'm sorry, but that is just beyond me.. Something is *way* off here 





 

 


Did you ever ask how you could contribute to the household? You can only pretend for so long that these things are being done TO you... not by you. I'm still shaking my head over the line about you "having to ride herd on YOUR son" ...who is SUPPOSED to take care of your child?

 


Steve and I offered to let a family member move in here when she was going through tough times. Would she have sat here for months (or more) not working or contributing anything other than cleaning up after herself or others, while she spent money or stuff instead of contributing to household expenses*...not on your life!*

 


This is up to you to change. Get help with your finances, look for help with food and housing assistance. You ARE strong, but you both have let yourselves slide into this "we'll worry about it tomorrow" state and is IS tomorrow.


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## Marty (Jun 3, 2008)

This is a very difficult thread for me to read.

Depression is very real and can be very dangerous. The thought that you are hinting of needing more medications is very scary. Not everyone can pull themselves up by their bootstraps and snap out of it but my gosh, you must try. Yes it can be done. I did it, because I had to for the sake of my younger son. There was no other choice. You have a child, a baby.You must do it too out of love for your child. Do you not realize how blessed you really are? You know that song _Accentuate the possitive, eliminate the negative_. Count your blessings today and every day. Your blessing is named Nathan and he needs you whole. You CAN do this. ((((((( )))))))


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## RainSong (Jun 3, 2008)

Laura said:


> You and your husband BOTH were not working,
> 
> I'm still shaking my head over the line about you "having to ride herd on YOUR son" ...who is SUPPOSED to take care of your child?


My husband has worked as much as possible since we moved in. He was only out of work since May 12th of this year recently- before that he had been away for a month to six weeks at a time doing over the road trucking. We paid her what we could, but it was never the four hundred complete that she wanted. We only started making enough to even pay that shortly before he was out of work, due to the company's own policies and what they were removing from his check. He did have times without work when we first moved in, and again when the place he was working for was shut down. He found work very quickly when that happened, only to have that business close during the week as they had gone bankrupt. Again, he did some looking- and that is how he ended up going out doing long haul trucking as soon as he could.

And the "riding herd" line was this: "When we got back from the store, we ended up having to ride herd on *my sister's toddler* and our own son, then there was the moving of fridges, etc etc." - we have no issues taking care of OUR son. It was the two days of watching my sister's toddler (and to some extent her older son, too) that I was referring to. He had two parents here that whole time.

______

To reply to Bard: I'm fine with suggestions and additions. Your post and your references to "rolling D20's" and "all nighter in Azeroth" I find rather rude, and the overall tone matches it to me.

You don't know me. You don't know my history or anything, so I don't expect you to know everything. Yes, I have a plan to get my GED, get my education, and start work. I do hope you are not one of those people who look at people without a diploma or GED and think we are stupid uneducated idiots, or some sort of "barefoot and pregnant at 18" redneck. I wish everything were as easy as you have outlined, but it is not.

I support my husband, I take care of my son, and I will continue to do so. I am not upset at her taking HER stuff, rather, the way she has gone about it. In the beginning I made it perfectly clear I thought we were moving with her- to the point where she flat out could have said no. She was participating in the conversation, fully aware of what was being said, and did not reply. This occured multiple times, and never once- even though she was discussing things and active in the conversation- did she speak up and say anything about us not going.

I was never hear to receive sugary nothings. I was venting here, pure and simple, and wouldn't have minded had this post dropped off the face of the board unreplied to. I thank you all for your well wishes, and for trying to help me in your own ways.

For the moment we are not replacing any furniture, nor buying anything other then stuff we need. I am making peace with it already, and the year plus of the rest of the crud that has gone on, as well. I do not plan on letting this ruin the Holidays- I am not so spiteful and nasty as to keep my son from his Grandmother, whom he adores. No... part of the reason we came back was so he would KNOW his grandparents. The Holidays will still be a happy, joyous time with us all together. I have the time between then and now to put this to rest, and I will, and by the time the Holidays come we WILL be on our feet one way or the other.

As I said. We do what we have to do, and things will work out. I am doing what I have to do. That's what I have been doing since we moved, and it won't change. I may be in a fog, suffering depression (and those who have read my posts know I do), and barely taking care of myself, but there's always one truth in my life.

My son comes first.


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## Bard (Jun 3, 2008)

Holy minis, where did the rest of my sermon go?? I was tacking this part on to the bottom. Well, it's for the best- it's a sign for me to SHUT UP NOW.

So you dropped out of high school for a very GOOD reason, and you became pregnant by complete accident? I don't believe that. You were old enough to know what birth control was and how children were conceived, and if it wasn't available to you, you shouldn't have had sex until it was. It's that simple, and I'm not giving you that one.

Why did you choose a large audience to vent to instead of a journal or blog, if you weren't soliciting at the very least attention? That you took particular offense to gaming makes me think I've hit a nerve.

Don't think I became so jaded to situations like yours overnight. It took a very long time of people slowly pulling me down with them (and vice versa!) so that I couldn't see a way out of my own problems until I cut the cord and isolated myself from at least some of the cause of my angst, but when I floated up to the top and opened my eyes, and realized that I was actually still alive, it was the scariest, most empowering feeling in the world. It hurts, but it's hard for us to see people with problems, want to help them... but to not integrate their problems into our own budget of problems. Distancing isn't always a bad thing- sometimes it's the only salvation of one's sanity.

To be fair, it probably makes it too easy for me to form the opinion of you given all I'm able to read of it too quickly and easily without knowing you, but your situation sounds so familiar, hits all the same old shadows in my own mind. It's too easy to fall into predicaments like yours if you're not very careful, and I don't think you were. But that's in the past. Now begins the long messy crawl up out of it, and you don't need people like me- or us here on this forum- to remind you of that. It's hard to face it every day, every time you close your eyes and begin to relax, and that one thought, that one worry pricks you awake.

All I can say is good luck. I needed it once, you need it now more than I ever did, and I hope you get the same good luck I did.


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## RainSong (Jun 3, 2008)

Marty said:


> This is a very difficult thread for me to read.
> 
> Depression is very real and can be very dangerous. The thought that you are hinting of needing more medications is very scary. Not everyone can pull themselves up by their bootstraps and snap out of it but my gosh, you must try. Yes it can be done. I did it, because I had to for the sake of my younger son. There was no other choice. You have a child, a baby.You must do it too out of love for your child. Do you not realize how blessed you really are? You know that song _Accentuate the possitive, eliminate the negative_. Count your blessings today and every day. Your blessing is named Nathan and he needs you whole. You CAN do this. ((((((( )))))))


I was expecting a post from you, Marty





Don't worry. I can't get medication- as much as I want some sort of relief, it will have to come naturally. And Nathan is the one thing that keeps me from sleeping all day. He doesn't understand what's going on- why Grandma and Uncle aren't around, why Dada keeps having to leave. But somehow, he catches that Momma's hurting too- and keeps coming over and cuddling with me, or giving me hugs and kisses when I don't expect them. He is my little angel, and if it were not for him, I wouldn't be where I am- neither the situation, nor as the person I have grown to be. Yes, if it weren't for him we'd have left long ago, I'd be free from a lot of the responsibilities I have, etc.

But if it weren't for him, I would not be as strong as I am. I would never have known this frighteningly strong and amazing love. I'd be missing out on the hugs, kisses, cuddles, and joy of learning new things. I do know how blessed I am, though it's hard- very hard- to see it all the time. His Uncle was by yesterday- said he misses Mr. Boo SO much. And I could only smile. I knew they would.

He keeps me going. He keeps me from sinking into the depression and letting it eat me- even if I'm foggy from it... there he is. I can't let him down. He needs me. During the week, he has no one else. He is a mother's boy, no doubt- partly because I have been his main caretaker for so long, so often. His daddy works, and Momma is there- constant.

He gets so upset if I leave without him, did you know? He's gotten so good about anyone else leaving- he settles down in a few minutes. Longer if he's tired, or it's Dada. But apparently if I leave, he's upset for a long long time. I told Dave it's because he's not used to Momma leaving. Momma has always been there.

I wouldn't worry so much about the money for a place- I can crash with friends, stuff our stuff in storage, etc... except for him. That's what scares me the most, in honesty, about the possibly not having a place.

But I've done the math as best I can, and I am hoping it will turn out alright. It may- barely. He will have a place, somehow.

Sorry. I've rambled



It's easy to do about him. But Marty.. I think you understand that. And no matter what, I won't fail him.

Until he's a teenager and I pull out those embarassing pictures of his first tub bath


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## Bard (Jun 3, 2008)

Augh, there's just NO way to salvage this- Sorry, I was thinking too much with my fingers.


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## RainSong (Jun 3, 2008)

Bard said:


> Holy minis, where did the rest of my sermon go?? I was tacking this part on to the bottom. Well, it's for the best- it's a sign for me to SHUT UP NOW.
> 
> So you dropped out of high school for a very GOOD reason, and you became pregnant by complete accident? I don't believe that. You were old enough to know what birth control was and how children were conceived, and if it wasn't available to you, you shouldn't have had sex until it was. It's that simple, and I'm not giving you that one.
> 
> ...


Are you somehow assuming I'm some teenage mother? Please stop. Yes, I dropped out of high school, and I regret that. Always have, and plan to make it right.

I was 16 when I dropped out. I had my son at 23 after several happy years of being married to someone I met long after high school. Why didn't I post this to a blog or the like? Well, I did. That's why it was a C&P job to here. But this place is ... was? A bit more like family to me- I appreciate what some people here think, respect others here greatly, and I needed to get it off my chest- maybe have someone who could see it from the other side without being rude about it explain more then I could see.

Yes, we lived with my mother too long. We plan, when we can, to pay her what we owe her for that. Always have- and she knew that too. crap happens, though, and since returning to Oregon things have been haywire- we were finally getting things sorted out and back on track when all of this happened.

Yes, I am a gamer- I used to Roleplay before my son was born. I did play WoW until recently, but the assumption that I pull "All nighters" was rude and out of place in my opinion. Not all gamers are the sort to ignore their children and responsibilities to play, but I've heard that rhetoric spewed so often it's tiresome.

If you are so offended by seeing posts like mine- why do you read them? There's no call to reply if you don't want to, and there are a million other posts wandering around here very similiar to mine, so what made you decide my post needed you to step in and get all bent out of shape over it?

Yea. It's screwed up, all of it. We aren't without blame, and both Dave and I know it. We've discussed it, too, but we can't kick ourselves all the way- we wouldn't get anywhere. We're doing the best we can right now to make it right, and that's all we can do.

Take a step back. Take a deep breath. Realize, please, that I am not seeking pats on the head and cuddles. Insight, maybe, yes. I needed, simply, to get it off my chest, and I do not have many places to go to do so.

I did not mean to offend anyone. I didn't mean to upset anyone. I'm sorry if I did. Yes, I have plans to actually better myself. Until we know where we are settling, I can't act on them, due to differences in location and local community colleges. The plan is still for an August start to schooling.


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## mininik (Jun 3, 2008)

It must be very scary, and sad at times. I just want to ask if you've looked into Online college courses, since you do have a job (at home, being a mom) with access to a computer and the Internet. You could probably even get money to go thanks to your son and financial situation.


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## RainSong (Jun 3, 2008)

mininik said:


> It must be very scary, and sad at times. I just want to ask if you've looked into Online college courses, since you do have a job (at home, being a mom) with access to a computer and the Internet. You could probably even get money to go thanks to your son and financial situation.


Actually, that's exactly what the plan is until my son can be in daycare or preschool or Head Start. The college I was planning on attending did not have online GED courses, so I was planning to work on one of their other programs (which I was aiming to complete to qualify for work with the State of Oregon) until I could attend the on campus GED courses.

The possibly/probable change in home locations has changed that a little, as where we're thinking to move to (closer to Dave's work) is out of area for this community college- they charge you a fee to attend if you're out of their area. There is a good community college up there, though, which is where I would be attending when we move. Same idea- as many online courses as possible until Nathan is able to be cared for while I attend classes.

The good thing is if we do move up there, my best friend (they adore each other, Nathan and Her) may be able to watch Nathan while I attend my classes, so I could finish my schooling sooner.


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## kaykay (Jun 3, 2008)

I used to work as a caseworker in Illinois for the child daycare program. You can apply Im sure in your state. They pay your daycare expenses and school as long as you meet certain income guidelines. Once you finish school they keep paying until your income is enough to stop. Its a great program!

Also there is a great book you can get that teaches you at home how to pass the GED test. That way you dont have to attend classes etc. Just study at home and when your practice scores are high enough go take the real test


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## Jill (Jun 3, 2008)

I used to help adults study for the GED. If you study (you can self study) you should be able to pass it really in short order. It's basic math, basic language. Unless it's changed a lot in the past decade, it shouldn't be something you need to plot out and plan on, just something you should DO and get it done. There are community resources that can help you study if you do need help.

Reading through this thread, I do feel for your situation on one hand but on the other I cannot help but think how can a grown woman not do all she can to be on her own and self sufficient with her own family, vs. riding the coat tails of another? I've been on my own since I was 18 and just cannot relate.

Lucky you're in this nation where so much of our tax dollars go to programs that help people who need help but darn if it doesn't annoy me when they don't do as much as they can to help themselves. These tax funded programs are not FREE to the people who are out there busting their butts to provide for themselves and pay taxes which go to help others.

Every day is a new opportunity and a chance to turn things around.


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## RainSong (Jun 3, 2008)

kaykay said:


> I used to work as a caseworker in Illinois for the child daycare program. You can apply Im sure in your state. They pay your daycare expenses and school as long as you meet certain income guidelines. Once you finish school they keep paying until your income is enough to stop. Its a great program!
> 
> Also there is a great book you can get that teaches you at home how to pass the GED test. That way you dont have to attend classes etc. Just study at home and when your practice scores are high enough go take the real test


There's a state run daycare program? Geez, I wish our caseworker (Any of the numerous ones we've had) would have mentioned that! I'll have to add it to the things to prod whomever our caseworker is now about, again. Thank you Kay!

Do you know the name of the book? If I can avoid adding more to a student loan, I'd like to- and if I could study for the GED at home it'd be a lot easier, even with Nathan's attempts at not letting me read ANYTHING for more then five minutes unless it's one of his board books ... LOL

He's shaping up to be a book-lover like everyone else in the family


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## Jill (Jun 3, 2008)

Charissa --

Another option is to just sign up for and take the GED. You may pass it based on what you already know. If you don't, then you got a peak at what you need to work on, so it's not a wasted effort.

Jill

Some self study links for your state:

http://www.oregon.gov/CCWD/GED/PDF/GEDOnlineCourses.pdf

http://www.oregon.gov/CCWD/GED/PDF/HomeStudy.pdf

http://www.oregon.gov/CCWD/GED/


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## lvponies (Jun 3, 2008)

You've received some good advice here and I hope it helps guide you down the right path. I'm sorry about everything you're going through, but agree with Bard & Laura that you need to pick yourself up and realize that you're a grownup now and need to take responsibility for your family & your future. You can do it. One step at a time, one day at a time. Push the depression away as best as you can and know in your heart & soul that your family needs you now more then ever.


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## kaykay (Jun 3, 2008)

Here are some of the books on amazon. Look through but be sure to get one with the practice tests as that is really helpful. You can do this!! When you talk to your caseworker as them about "subsidized childcare" That is what most states call it. I really believe it is one of the best government programs out there as it helps women with small children get educated and into the workforce. The whole point being that when you go to work YOUR tax dollars will return what you used and help someone else





ged books for at home


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## Floridachick (Jun 3, 2008)

BRAVO~ to your MOM! You have had how many years to save $?? $400 a month is NOTHING! ITs less than a quarter of what we had to come up with. You are both 2 healthy adults, GROW UP! Work opposite shifts and or work 2 jobs. Make yourself a darn future! No education is no reason for no job. Take care of your baby and STEP UP! I am so sick of our society


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## Jill (Jun 3, 2008)

kaykay said:


> The whole point being that when you go to work YOUR tax dollars will return what you used and help someone else


Kay is right and that's the idea, and sometimes it actually works.

I wish you enough success that you get to help others all the way up to the 35% bracket.


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## RainSong (Jun 3, 2008)

kaykay said:


> Here are some of the books on amazon. Look through but be sure to get one with the practice tests as that is really helpful. You can do this!! When you talk to your caseworker as them about "subsidized childcare" That is what most states call it. I really believe it is one of the best government programs out there as it helps women with small children get educated and into the workforce. The whole point being that when you go to work YOUR tax dollars will return what you used and help someone else
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Thanks Kay- I went looking at the local library once for any sort of GED books- it was a joke. And thank you too, for the tip about the childcare.

Heaven knows we don't mind paying our taxes to help fund these programs. I'm not ashamed to use them if I need to, and I certianly hope no one else is. If it helps you get to your own point where you can work, it's worth it.



Floridachick said:


> BRAVO~ to your MOM! You have had how many years to save $?? $400 a month is NOTHING! ITs less than a quarter of what we had to come up with. You are both 2 healthy adults, GROW UP! Work opposite shifts and or work 2 jobs. Make yourself a darn future! No education is no reason for no job. Take care of your baby and STEP UP! I am so sick of our society


Wow. Nice to see common courtesy still exists.







lvponies said:


> You've received some good advice here and I hope it helps guide you down the right path. I'm sorry about everything you're going through, but agree with Bard & Laura that you need to pick yourself up and realize that you're a grownup now and need to take responsibility for your family & your future. You can do it. One step at a time, one day at a time. Push the depression away as best as you can and know in your heart & soul that your family needs you now more then ever.


That is exactly what we are doing, and have been TRYING to do.

__

Again, thank you all for your well wishes, and to those who've offered advice - thank you for that too. It is greatly appreciated





I requested a thread lock, since some people have taken this a bit too far, I think, and this forum doesn't need that sort of thing.

Thank you.


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