# Do I have "grounds" to be upset with hubby?



## mydaddysjag (Apr 7, 2011)

I'm finding myself a bit upset with my hubby, and I'm not quite sure if I should even bring it up to him much more, or if I'm over reacting.

We're both young, my hubby is 23, and still very immature. He is a hardcore video game player, and that is his only hobby.

Now, he told me about a month ago that he wanted to go to this big video game expo thing with his buddy, which I have no problem with.

The next thing I know, they decided they were going to stay in a hotel. Ok, I assumed that this expo was a one or two day thing, and they were staying overnight 1 night at a hotel. Last night when I got home from work Hubby tells me that he and his buddy booked the hotel in hubbys name. Then I find out, its actually 4 days long in Baltimore Maryland, and they booked a hotel that is $120 a night.

Im a bit upset about it. We struggle to have everything we have, and we have NEVER taken a vacation. The only thing we have ever done was go get a horse and had to stay in a hotel overnight, and I picked a $67 a night hotel. Other than that, for our "honeymoon" we stayed about 30 minutes from our home in a nice hotel for 2 nights, but it was a wedding gift, so didn't cost us anything.

Im upset because my 9 month old son and I are not going on this trip (Its not something that interests me in the least) and I would NEVER consider spending that much on a hotel, let alone for just myself and not my family. I feel he is spending the same amount on a trip for himself as what we would have spent for a nice small family vacation. In fact, we were going to go camping this summer and decided to nix the idea because of expenses, and we couldn't afford him being off work that long, because he is taking 5 days off after he has surgery in a few days. When I mentioned anything about it he said that the cheap hotel was further from the expo place than he wanted to stay (but still within both walking or shuttle distance) and that "He didn't complain when I bought the new horse trailer". Now, my justification was that I sold my old trailer last year to get money for a used car after he blew the motor up in my car, which is our only vehicle, and he has been the only one to drive it since I bought it a year ago.

Am I over reacting, or would you be irked too?


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## Ashley (Apr 7, 2011)

Well, he is young which is where a lot of this is coming from. However, that said, when a person opts to get married and have kids its time to grow up.

You mentioned you are struggling to make ends meet. That should be enough right there not to do something that dumb and waist that kind of money that could be spent on something better like bills or diapers(which I know are expensive!).

Personally I wouldn’t be upset I would be peeved!

I am kind of in the same boat. While we are not struggling at this point getting things taken care of, I do not have a job and its frustrating as all get out. I know I only have limited time to find one, and I need to find a good paying one to support my family so my partner can quit her job to finish her schooling (she needs to do 30+ weeks of internship without pay).

If he has that kind of money to blow on a weekend like that then maybe he should be putting it into savings.


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## kaykay (Apr 7, 2011)

Well after being married almost 26 years (omg!) I will say this. Marriage is a continual compromise. I try really hard to balance my marriage with the minis and ponies and not let that be an issue between us. I have seen marriages break up over money and horses.

Hubby and I got married and had a baby at 20 and 21. The first 3 years were a nightmare. Women are always more mature at that age and it does cause conflicts. It gets better I promise.

But you have to ask yourself, is this the battle you want to take a sword over? Is this really worth getting irate over? Sometimes its best to pick your battles.

For sure I would talk to him and let him know how you feel but not sure this would be something I would be "livid" over.

A compromise would be to have him stay at a less expensive hotel and stay less days.


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## muffntuf (Apr 7, 2011)

Agreed - is this something worth giving up on at this point and early in the marriage. Yes you are strapped, you work hard for everything you have, but you also state you have not had any fun in a while. People can only take so much hard work, living below the line, etc. I would definitely cool down and think this over. If need be - find someone to talk to and just vent so you can get it worked around in your mind to allow this to happen. If you husband needs this right now - don't make it the axe that breaks the camels back. I would, after venting and getting it worked around in my mind, ask for the plan that comes up with the money for the hotel rooms, or if there is a compromise on the hotel rates, if the other guy is paying half of it, then not so bad.

Take a deep breath!!!


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## txminipinto (Apr 7, 2011)

I would be peeved and it would come to words in my household. He's spending $120/night plus expenses on a trip with his buddy when he hasn't even taken his family on a family vacation. That is selfish. Pure and simple. He'd be on the couch until he either canceled the trip or found a much cheaper hotel. Actually, I'd make him cancel the trip if you canceled your family vacation due to money. Sorry, but this is worth fighting over and if you let this slide, he'll be taking advantage of you the rest of your life. He's got a wife and kid, time to put the xbox away and grow up.


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## Jill (Apr 7, 2011)

Harvey and I have been a couple since 1985! Long time, and "I should talk" about sweating the small stuff because I am ridiculous over some things that just have to be a specific way or I get thoroughly upset... H is a lot more laid back than I am and that is probably the biggest reason why he and I work as a couple.

Do you have a horse? If so, and if "that" is really your thing, how much does the horse take from the family budget compared to the video game expo trip? (not really asking you to tell us that personal information, just if it's the case, maybe another way you can see his side?)

No, if I were you, I wouldn't "like" it. I don't want H to go away because when I have free time, I like to spend it with him. Plus, if money were tight and something was going to be spent just for fun, I'd want it to be something we both participated in. However, if this is something your husband really enjoys, it's a "small price" to pay to just go with the flow and let him have this splurge. It may be something he will remember for years and that's worth a lot!

If possible, can you plan something special for yourself for that weekend? Even if it's just getting your favorite things to eat and some special bubble bath, bottle of wine, a new book you've wanted to read, rent a bunch of DVD movies, etc.? So that you also have something to look forward to for that period of time and a way to treat yourself as well.

Good luck!


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## Marty (Apr 7, 2011)

This is a tough one because while you are home sitting there pinching pennies with a baby, you also are sitting there with a show horse who is nickle and diming you to death.

Why not do some math with your husband? Besides the hotel, he's going to need food money, pocket money, and heaven knows what he is going to buy at the expo. Lay it out on the table with a calculator where you both can get a visual. See if that puts it in perspective for either one of you.Then run the numbers on your monthly budget including your horse expenses and see if any of it is justified.

Be very careful: You guys are very young and if you plan to stay married, pick and choose your battles carefully but don't get run over in the process.

I have to wonder if his friend is married with a baby. And a horse.

Marriage is sacrifice and compromise on both parts and no room for selfishness by either one of you. Good luck.


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## Mominis (Apr 7, 2011)

I'm going to agree with Kay on this one. I've been married for almost 14 years. I have the unique perspective for this as I am also married to an active MMORPG player (and was once a very active player myself).  You have the horse(s) and you obviously spend your time, money, and energy on them, your husband should be allowed to spend some of his time, money and energy on his hobby as well. Do you have to like it? No. But, to be fair, I think he should be allowed to go. JMHO


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## mydaddysjag (Apr 7, 2011)

I think Im going to pick my battles, and let this one go. Still vent about it, and let him know that from here on out, when a trip is going to cost him around $600-$800 that it will be a family trip.

I do have a show horse, but we have reduced our horse expenses as much as possible. We're down to one horse, and Im currently working off the majority of my board, I pay $35 a month for board. I didnt show him at all last season, and Im not showing him a ton this year. The money for show fees came from selling the rest of my big horse tack (saddles, bridles, breast collars, blankets, etc) and setting it aside in my "horse fund". The only expensive part is the gas to get there, but Ive been gathering supplies to hopefully bring him home this summer. Well, to my parents around the block. Ive been removing the one neighbors woven wire fencing, and my payment is they are giving me the fence and posts for free. We already have gates from when we had horses at home before, and Ive been stalking craigslist for a free shed (our craigslist has one or two a week for free).

This isn't his only expense with the video games, he plays an online game that is $30 a month, as well as buying 1-2 $60 games for his playstation 3 each month, and paying for downloads on the ps3.


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## mydaddysjag (Apr 7, 2011)

After looking at the "Wyndham Peabody Court" I think im going to call around today and see if I cant find a cheaper hotel, I really think the place is overkill for him to be only sleeping there. The more I stew about it, I get more upset. We've never gone to a theme park (we have a local one) or even the movies because we dont spend that kind of money on things like that, and Its nerve wracking that hes going to stay at a hotel nicer than where we went on our honeymoon.


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## Miniv (Apr 7, 2011)

I agree that a compromise is in order......(speaking from 32 years of marriage)......Going to the expo isn't the issue, but lavish spending would peeve me as well.

I'm sure there are cheaper motels close by. And another issue that needs to put out on the table is -- what money is your husband's buddy going to kick in????


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## kaykay (Apr 7, 2011)

> After looking at the "Wyndham Peabody Court" I think im going to call around today and see if I cant find a cheaper hotel, I really think the place is overkill for him to be only sleeping there. The more I stew about it, I get more upset. We've never gone to a theme park (we have a local one) or even the movies because we dont spend that kind of money on things like that, and Its nerve wracking that hes going to stay at a hotel nicer than where we went on our honeymoon.


I can see that this is really bugging you. And I get that you have sold things to have your horses (I have done the same)

But before you cause a huge ruckus over it, remember that a horse is an every day expense and probably far exceeds what he spends. Also never get into a nickel dime debate because its a lose lose situation. There will be no winners.

For sure tell him how you feel (swallowing anger just makes people sick)But dont come at him yelling. Just try to calmly tell him you feel hurt and would like to take a family vacation.

At the end of the day though, what a couple fights about (at the moment) is usually not what the fight is really about. You can fight about his trip but maybe there are other issues and this is just the catalyst?

Whenever I get really peeved I try to ask myself...what am I really mad about? The other day hubby left me with a car with no gas again and I didnt know and almost got stranded on a country road. I called him and umm had words. when he got home it hit me, (and I told him) it really wasnt about putting gas in the car, it was about making me feel like he didnt care about ME. To ME (and most women) making sure there is gas in the car or at least telling us they left it on empty says "I care about you and dont want you stranded at the side of the road" He felt so bad once I calmly told him how it made me feel.

I have to disagree with Carin because everyone has something they ENJOY but dont NEED.

Just because we become fathers/mothers and husbands/wives doesnt mean we can never have anything for ourselves. Everyone needs to have their own thing whether that be Xbox, horses, painting model cars etc


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## ~Lisa~ (Apr 7, 2011)

Jill said:


> Do you have a horse? If so, and if "that" is really your thing, how much does the horse take from the family budget compared to the video game expo trip? (not really asking you to tell us that personal information, just if it's the case, maybe another way you can see his side?)
> 
> Good luck!


I have to agree here with this- while yes sometimes you have to choose your battles I think that you have to also allow him to have some time to himself to do what he enjoys.

I understand your resentment but again you have to look at the fact you have a horse and a new horse trailer. If you are asking me if I would mind the answer would be no.


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## LindaL (Apr 7, 2011)

Miniv said:


> I agree that a compromise is in order......(speaking from 32 years of marriage)......Going to the expo isn't the issue, but lavish spending would peeve me as well.
> 
> I'm sure there are cheaper motels close by. And another issue that needs to put out on the table is -- what money is your husband's buddy going to kick in????


I agree with Maryann. I would not have a problem with him going to the Expo, but really does he need to stay at such an expensive hotel? Even if his friend is chipping in (which he should), I am sure there are nice hotels in the area that are much more reasonable.

Do not fight about it. Just sit him down and explain that while you want him to go and have fun...fun can be on a budget. Money issues are always touchy, even for married couples, but not worth fighting about. You just need to be on the same page. To do that, you need to clarify what "fun" activities you can afford and give each other a chance to enjoy hobbies within that budget.


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## Miniv (Apr 7, 2011)

LindaL said:


> I agree with Maryann. I would not have a problem with him going to the Expo, but really does he need to stay at such an expensive hotel? Even if his friend is chipping in (which he should), I am sure there are nice hotels in the area that are much more reasonable.
> 
> Do not fight about it. Just sit him down and explain that while you want him to go and have fun...fun can be on a budget. Money issues are always touchy, even for married couples, but not worth fighting about. You just need to be on the same page. To do that, you need to clarify what "fun" activities you can afford and give each other a chance to enjoy hobbies within that budget.



Very well said, Linda. Thank you. (I'm not a person who "fights" so that didn't even come up for me.)


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## Seashells (Apr 7, 2011)

Seems you are picking your battles which good to do, but there is no good reason for a married man to take four days with hotel accomidations and a buddy, for a "video expo". I can understand a one day thing, but four days is way overboard.

No matter, your hubby is in for a good time, which is the whole purpose of the trip, right?





Hi again: I just shared the story with my husband, and with a surprised look he replied, "That's messed up."


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## ~Lisa~ (Apr 7, 2011)

I am not trying to argue with anyone and I see the other side.. b ut really there is no good reason for me to go to a horse show for 3 nights and spend hundreds of dollars yet I do it.



while I understand money being tight sometimes when someone is working hard 40+ hours a week they need a little splurge time- me I get that thru my ponies but we all have our own ways of "splurge" time and seems like a video expo is a rather harmless one.

Is it the money you have issue with or the time he will be without you?


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## SampleMM (Apr 7, 2011)

I really would rethink saying anything to him. The worst thing women can do is emasculate their husbands and yes I think it is if you try and tell him he can't stay at that hotel and then he has to go with his tail between his legs and explain that his wife won't allow him to stay there. Do you really want that? Seriously, if he is splitting it with the friend than it's not that much money. Also, he allowed you to get a nice, new trailer.............sometimes you just have to let things go. I always say, "Do you want to die on that hill?" The answer should be no, as it's not worth it. Let him go enjoy his time with his friend.

After you've been married for 17 years, you will love it when he goes away. My husband just got back from Florida and was gone for almost a week. He ate out every meal and I'm sure spent more money than I'd like him too but he deserves it as he works hard for his family.


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## kaykay (Apr 8, 2011)

> I am not trying to argue with anyone and I see the other side.. b ut really there is no good reason for me to go to a horse show for 3 nights and spend hundreds of dollars yet I do it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


So agree!



> After you've been married for 17 years, you will love it when he goes away. My husband just got back from Florida and was gone for almost a week. He ate out every meal and I'm sure spent more money than I'd like him too but he deserves it as he works hard for his family.


Lmbo! My friend and I were just saying the same thing. I love my hubby but there are times when I tell him to just go and get out and do something


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## Charlene (Apr 8, 2011)

i'm assuming that the friend is splitting the cost 50/50 so that would be $60/night for your hubby. that's about average for a decent motel.

not to play devil's advocate here because i do think your hubby is going overboard considering the fact that you have to pinch pennies but let me just say this...while you are justifiably upset at this point, this is pretty small in the long term scheme of things. your hubby is spending more than he should and leaving you and a baby at home BUT, you know when all is said and done, he will be coming home to you. i would cut off my right arm if i could get up tomorrow morning and know that my hubby is coming home to me. instead, i visit his grave. take a step back, think about all you DO have. there will be bumps in the road for you during your marriage, some big, some not so big but in the end, you will have each other.


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## miniwhinny (Apr 8, 2011)

Let him go and be happy for him. He'll love you for it.

You have your horse and horse shows - he has his video games and expo's (and he's actually only paying $60 a night - I presume they're splitting the bill)

If you start your life together having to count every penny you spend compared to what he spends so it equals - you're going to have problems.

If he were doing this every month it would be different but I get the impression that this is a one time big deal trip.

Let him go and have fun. The time to hold strong would be if he started doing this more often, really taking away from his family JMO.

When he comes back ask him all about it and did he have fun etc. If you let him see you really care about his happiness - it will build your bond of love way more than if you make him feel that you resent him going. Like others have said...marriage and relationships are all about knowing which fights to pick and which to let go


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## Mominis (Apr 8, 2011)

Charlene said:


> i'm assuming that the friend is splitting the cost 50/50 so that would be $60/night for your hubby. that's about average for a decent motel.
> 
> not to play devil's advocate here because i do think your hubby is going overboard considering the fact that you have to pinch pennies but let me just say this...while you are justifiably upset at this point, this is pretty small in the long term scheme of things. your hubby is spending more than he should and leaving you and a baby at home BUT, you know when all is said and done, he will be coming home to you. i would cut off my right arm if i could get up tomorrow morning and know that my hubby is coming home to me. instead, i visit his grave. take a step back, think about all you DO have. there will be bumps in the road for you during your marriage, some big, some not so big but in the end, you will have each other.



Wow, talk about putting things into perspective.


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## SampleMM (Apr 8, 2011)

One other thing to think about.....................

Treat your husband the way you want to be treated. How would you feel if every time you wanted to go to a horse show your husband flipped out and demand you not spend the money?

He has been allowing you to have a luxury everyday and that's your horse. He could turn this around and start nagging you everyday about the horse costing too much. So, if you decide to pull the plug on his trip it could come back to bite you. Of course, these are just my opinions and I'm truly just trying to help. Things like this seem very insignificant after several years of marriage..........trust me.


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## Pepipony (Apr 8, 2011)

This story is mine, only I have now been married for 22 years. I went along to get along and now its to the point of him having EVERYTHING he wants, and I do mean everything. To me not having a bedroom set and very little else. People are stunned when they walk into the house, after being in his shop. Guess my point is, put your foot down. Dont worry about being 'the nagging wife' lord knows I wish I had become one a decade back. If you allow this brat to do this to you now , and he is being a brat if he didnt think to pass this by his WIFE , it will get worse. Marriage is a compromise, but its not for the wife to soley compromise. What is HE willing to give up so that you can have more? You may forgive him now and allow him to go. And you may forgive the next time he does this same thing. But, a few years, or maybe longer, down the road the resentment will creep in and that is not the way to go. Hope you can come to a compromise that suits you BOTH evenly.


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## miniwhinny (Apr 8, 2011)

Pepipony said:


> This story is mine, only I have now been married for 22 years. I went along to get along and now its to the point of him having EVERYTHING he wants, and I do mean everything. To me not having a bedroom set and very little else. People are stunned when they walk into the house, after being in his shop. Guess my point is, put your foot down. Dont worry about being 'the nagging wife' lord knows I wish I had become one a decade back. If you allow this brat to do this to you now , and he is being a brat if he didnt think to pass this by his WIFE , it will get worse. Marriage is a compromise, but its not for the wife to soley compromise. What is HE willing to give up so that you can have more? You may forgive him now and allow him to go. And you may forgive the next time he does this same thing. But, a few years, or maybe longer, down the road the resentment will creep in and that is not the way to go. Hope you can come to a compromise that suits you BOTH evenly.


There's a big difference between being in an abusive relationship and a non abusive one. I gave my advice presuming it was a "normal" relationship where both husband and wife are treated equally. Pepipony, I'm so sorry you have lived this way


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## susanne (Apr 8, 2011)

I think it's great that you each have and respect one another's individual interests.

Keith and I always say we're each other's enablers, whether it be horses, music, books, gardening, movies, or whatever. BUT -- we are not wealthy and have to budget carefully.

How about calculating what you spend on your horse, then use that as a base for his interests. Not that you need to nickle and dime it, but if you are taking a chunk out for your interests, shouldn't an equivalent amount go for his?

If he knows that he has $XXX to spend per month on his hobby, he'll see that he may need to find a cheaper hotel, stay fewer days, or cut down those monthly purchases for awhile. Having an agreed upon figure is much easier than not having a target.

Don't say no -- just agree to a rough budget that is fair to both of you.

My guess is that, with your new trailer, you're a bit ahead in the expenses connected to your hobby...


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## StarRidgeAcres (Apr 8, 2011)

I won't presume to know what you should or shouldn't be upset about or what your specific situation is, but my initial reaction is that unless he does this all the time and you guys don't have enough money to provide food and neccessities for your baby, it's probably not worth even mentioning. As others have mentioned, you have the horse bug and even one or two minis can really add up cost wise. I was with my ex-husband for 20 years. For the last 10 years I was the only one who worked outside of the home. When he mentioned the cost of a horse or show, etc., I would bristle as what ran through my mind was "it's MY money!" Trust me, that's NO way to live or think. I never should have let money get to me like that. It's not worth it. As Charlene pointed out, you have your husband and you make a beautiful family.

Maybe it's time for both of you to participate in putting together a budget...but NOT before this trip. Let him go. I know it seems silly - a gaming convention, but it's his thing. My boyfriend Robert is 12 years younger than me and he is "into" gaming. He's going to a week-long convention in August. It's SO not my thing. So, you know what? I'm going to head to the Central Championship show that same weekend! He can do his thing and I can do mine!


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## mydaddysjag (Apr 8, 2011)

Well, I took some time to think it through, and Ive calmed down a bit. I think it was the way it was presented to me that had me so upset. Im not upset he's going, because I could use a mini vacation from him lol. What upset me was that after I got home from work at 2:00am he dropped the bomb on me that "I booked the hotel for the trip, I decided were staying a couple extra days and instead of staying at motel 6 were staying at the Wyndham". Then he told me that his hotel didn't have refrigerators or microwaves in the rooms, and you have to pay $29 a day to park. They also didn't check about any discounts.

I looked around a bit online and was able to book the same hotel cheaper for them with a discount, and I called and found out that upon request they can have a mini fridge and microwave. I got it set up so they have that in their room, because it costs about $25 per person a day to eat at the convention center. I talked to him and explained that if he wanted to have any money to spend on stuff at the convention, we really couldn't afford eating out every day, so they are going to get lunch meat, bread, hot pockets, and a case of water from walmart when they get down there, and eat that. The hotel charges $7.50 person/a day for a continental breakfast



Unfortunately the parking is going to be the $29 though, no discounts.

The other thing that bothered me is instead of saving a certain amount each week, he wanted to take the money out of my sons savings account I set up for him at the credit union. I think that's where my RAGE came from. This was money he was given as birth gifts, and Christmas gifts, and I have it in a separate account because It is HIS for his first car, college, etc. Im a very over protective momma, so I wasn't allowing him to take from my son to fund his own vacation. I explained to him that is Colts money, and if he wanted to go on the trip, he had to save his own money, and if he was short, he would need to trade some games that he doesn't play at gamestop for cash.

He does "put his foot down" about a lot of my horse showing. Im not allowed to show at two day shows, Im not allowed to show more than 2 hours away, im not allowed to show in more that 3 classes, and Im only allowed to show a certain amount of times a year, usually 2 or 3, (or in the case of last year, not at all)

I did tell him that if hes going on vacation alone this year, that We are going on a family vacation next year.


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## Molly's Run Minis (Apr 8, 2011)

mydaddysjag said:


> Well, I took some time to think it through, and Ive calmed down a bit. I think it was the way it was presented to me that had me so upset. Im not upset he's going, because I could use a mini vacation from him lol. What upset me was that after I got home from work at 2:00am he dropped the bomb on me that "I booked the hotel for the trip, I decided were staying a couple extra days and instead of staying at motel 6 were staying at the Wyndham". Then he told me that his hotel didn't have refrigerators or microwaves in the rooms, and you have to pay $29 a day to park. They also didn't check about any discounts.
> 
> I looked around a bit online and was able to book the same hotel cheaper for them with a discount, and I called and found out that upon request they can have a mini fridge and microwave. I got it set up so they have that in their room, because it costs about $25 per person a day to eat at the convention center. I talked to him and explained that if he wanted to have any money to spend on stuff at the convention, we really couldn't afford eating out every day, so they are going to get lunch meat, bread, hot pockets, and a case of water from walmart when they get down there, and eat that. The hotel charges $7.50 person/a day for a continental breakfast
> 
> ...



i know that i'm not married or anything, and its not my place to post but....

i would have tore into him if he even thought about getting into your kids funds. basicly, if it was up to me he would be sleeping on the LAWN if he even considered that would be acceptable.

i also dont understand why HE can go to a convention for longer than a day, but YOU cant show at a 2 day show or travel for longer than 2 hours, or show in more than 3 classes. isnt that YOUR decision? in my opinion, if you, personally, can afford it and want to do it than its none of his bussiness and you have plenty of right to be upset! and ''allowed'? are you his wife or his child????

my stepdad travels alot for bussiness, sometimes to go see horsepulls for fun, and my mom isnt afraid to tell him when he's spending too much. Does he throw the fact that we have minis in her face because she tells him "no"? you bet your best horse he doesnt! cause he would be sleeping on the couch when he got back! sometimes, the minis are the only thing that keeps me sane and he knows better than to complain about them. i hope his friend is splitting the bill with him, if not i would be so livid.


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## StarRidgeAcres (Apr 9, 2011)

mydaddysjag said:


> Well, I took some time to think it through, and Ive calmed down a bit. I think it was the way it was presented to me that had me so upset. Im not upset he's going, because I could use a mini vacation from him lol. What upset me was that after I got home from work at 2:00am he dropped the bomb on me that "I booked the hotel for the trip, I decided were staying a couple extra days and instead of staying at motel 6 were staying at the Wyndham". Then he told me that his hotel didn't have refrigerators or microwaves in the rooms, and you have to pay $29 a day to park. They also didn't check about any discounts.
> 
> I looked around a bit online and was able to book the same hotel cheaper for them with a discount, and I called and found out that upon request they can have a mini fridge and microwave. I got it set up so they have that in their room, because it costs about $25 per person a day to eat at the convention center. I talked to him and explained that if he wanted to have any money to spend on stuff at the convention, we really couldn't afford eating out every day, so they are going to get lunch meat, bread, hot pockets, and a case of water from walmart when they get down there, and eat that. The hotel charges $7.50 person/a day for a continental breakfast
> 
> ...


I think you handled it well all around. Good for you for getting the discounts and the extras. And now you can look forward to planning next years family vacation!


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## susanne (Apr 9, 2011)

I would still suggest that, in the future, you each have a set, affordable amount in separate accounts that each can spend as you chooses, instead of asking permission for everything.

That way, so long as you stay within your budget, youchoose where it goes. You might choose to go to one three-day show instead of three one-day shows. He may decide to go all out for one night at a nice hotel.

Just because you're married doesn't mean you give up all free choice.

However, I completely agree -- NO raiding your son's account for any hobby -- and you should add to his account just as frequently as you add to your personal accounts.


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## Minimor (Apr 9, 2011)

From your last post I would say you've handled it well.



> The other thing that bothered me is instead of saving a certain amount each week, he wanted to take the money out of my sons savings account I set up for him at the credit union. I think that's where my RAGE came from. This was money he was given as birth gifts, and Christmas gifts, and I have it in a separate account because It is HIS for his first car, college, etc. Im a very over protective momma, so I wasn't allowing him to take from my son to fund his own vacation. I explained to him that is Colts money, and if he wanted to go on the trip, he had to save his own money, and if he was short, he would need to trade some games that he doesn't play at gamestop for cash.


Absolutely--he should not even have thought of borrowing the money out of your son's account. It's much too easy to borrow, but then often not so easy to put the money back afterward.

Considering that your new horse trailer was purchased, at least in part, with money you had from selling your old horse trailer, it's reasonable for him to sell some unused games in order to get money for this fun weekend he wants.

Having Minis does add up, but since you have just one mini and are working at the barn to offset the cost of his board, the $35/mo. your horse is costing you is not a lot of out of pocket expense.



> He does "put his foot down" about a lot of my horse showing. Im not allowed to show at two day shows, Im not allowed to show more than 2 hours away, im not allowed to show in more that 3 classes, and Im only allowed to show a certain amount of times a year, usually 2 or 3, (or in the case of last year, not at all)I did tell him that if hes going on vacation alone this year, that We are going on a family vacation next year.


Others have said here that if you protest about this weekend of his it would be fair for him to turn around and protest about the money spent on your horse. However, quite obviously he has already put limits on what your hobby can set you back money-wise, so you are justified in setting limits as to what he can spend on his weekend fun.


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## miniwhinny (Apr 9, 2011)

I think you've shed a different light on things with your recent addition of information.

Using your sons money - OMG no wonder that pushed your launch buttons! Like everyone has said, NO WAY! What does send off warning signals to me is that fact that he thinks this is a totally okay thing to do!!!!!!

And,

"You're NOT ALLOWED". OMG, now my launch buttons are flashing lol. You need to seriously think about what you're doing in a marriage where another human being thinks he can "allow" you or "not allow" you to do anything !!!! If I were with a man who told me I wasn't allowed to do anything ...he'd know where the door was pretty darn fast lol.

So, after the addition of this new information, I withdraw my earlier advice lol - I'd be telling him that if he hasn't saved enough to go without stealing from your son, then he'd better think again about going lol.


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## REO (Apr 9, 2011)

mydaddysjag said:


> This isn't his only expense with the video games, he plays an online game that is *$30 a month, as well as buying 1-2 $60 games for his playstation 3 each month, and paying for downloads on the ps3.*


She works off some of her board bill and only pays $35 a month and she sells _her_ stuff to be able to show. And he spends plenty each month for his games.

I've been married for 24 years without any fighting. We TALK and I let him know if something upsets me. I don't see why a wife should keep things to herself and just take it to keep the peace. There are two in a marriage and they must be able to each say how they feel and work things through. I know how many of you feel, but I don't blame her for feeling resentful. He DOES get plenty. He spends a lot of money each month on his games, not to mention how many hours a day gaming instead of family time with his wife and son. I don't feel you are out of line for wanting some time together as a family doing something fun. It isn't just up to just the wife to sacrifice. Marriage is COMPROMISE and communication.

If I had to bottle up and hold in things that bother me, I'd explode! So I wait til I'm calm then tell him how something made me feel. We talk it out.

It isn't that this was something he gave things up for & saved up for that she is being a big meany about. This is something that he sprang on her, TOLD her. And it's costing money that is taking away from the family.

YES everyone deserves something fun for themselves!





But there should be an agreed upon budget for both spouses. No nasty surprises.


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## hobbyhorse23 (Apr 10, 2011)

Molly said:


> you bet your best horse he doesnt!





miniwhinny said:


> Using your sons money - OMG no wonder that *pushed your launch buttons*!


I've learned two great new phrases today!







miniwhinny said:


> "You're NOT ALLOWED". OMG, now my launch buttons are flashing lol. You need to seriously think about what you're doing in a marriage where another human being thinks he can "allow" you or "not allow" you to do anything !!!! If I were with a man who told me I wasn't allowed to do anything ...he'd know where the door was pretty darn fast lol.


Ditto.



You can _request_ that the other person not do something, and if they respect you there should be a reasonable expectation that they will not do it. You can explain how it would make you feel and have a right to point out that if they get to do xyz, so do you the next time and do they really want to do that? But no partner of mine is going to tell me I'm "not allowed" to do something like they have that right!



They are my _equal_, not my parent! Even my parents always explained the reasons behind their rules and I knew they were for my own good.





Leia


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## weebiscuit (Apr 12, 2011)

mydaddysjag said:


> Ok, I assumed that this expo was a one or two day thing, and they were staying overnight 1 night at a hotel. Last night when I got home from work Hubby tells me that he and his buddy booked the hotel in hubbys name. Then I find out, its actually 4 days long in Baltimore Maryland, and they booked a hotel that is $120 a night.


As I was reading your post I glanced over at my husband who is snoring on the couch, and after 40 years of marriage I think if he told me he was going on a four day long trip I'd say, "Here, honey! I have some extra money in my checkbook! I'll give it to you and PLEASE take a whole week and have fun!" LOL!

But, that's just the difference in being married a few years and being married 40. We've both been retired for 15 years and we're together 24/7 and I SO love my time alone when he goes off hunting!

So, wouldn't the $120 hotel room be split two ways, so it's only costing him $60 a night?

I can really see your point, and I guess what bothers me a bit is that he WANTS to leave you and your child when you obviously haven't been married all that long, and if he knows money is tight then I do think he is acting a bit immaturely.

I have to ask... does he spend most of his free time at home playing video games, or does he interact with you and your son and spend quality time with the both of you? Does he go grocery shopping with you? Do you have friends in common you do things with as couples? Does he pitch in cleaning the house? Does he watch your son so you can get things done?

You see, to me, if all those other things are "right" then I guess that getting away one time with a friend isn't all that bad of a thing. But if the other things aren't "right" then this isn't either.


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## weebiscuit (Apr 12, 2011)

Sorry... double post!


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## mydaddysjag (Apr 13, 2011)

Im all for getting a breather from him for a few days, we are a 1 car family, so anytime I go anywhere, Im usually with him. I did put my foot down that he's not taking my car for 4 days and leaving me home with a baby and no vehicle. He doesnt have his "own" car, he blew the motor up in his car he had when we met, then before we got married I had a good job and lent him money for another car, which he over heated last winter and messed up the motor in that one too. Im not buying him another car, but he sure is beating the crap out of mine. He wasn't thrilled, but I told him he can catch a ride with his friend, and split the gas. I need the car for work and in case of an emergency. I'm going to have to hire a baby sitter to watch my son while im at work the days he's gone, so I need the car to take my son to the sitter.

His free time at home is spent playing video games. His idea of quality time with our son is playing video games while he is sitting on his lap. I do all of our grocery shopping, he goes out with his friends alone, Im never invited. My friends who are couple do come to hang out, or we go out with them occasionally. He even goes out with my friends boyfriend a couple times a month. He doesn't clean the house, he wont even put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket. He does watch my son while I go to work, I work night shift so I get the baby to bed, and he's there to watch him while he sleeps, or if he would wake up through the night.


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## SweetOpal (Apr 13, 2011)

Been married 17 years, feels like eternity...LOL...trust me when I say, there will come a day when you will pray he wants to go on a trip and you wont care what it cost! You are still newlyweds and it is normal to have some resentment....


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## weebiscuit (Apr 13, 2011)

mydaddysjag said:


> Im all for getting a breather from him for a few days, we are a 1 car family, so anytime I go anywhere, Im usually with him. I did put my foot down that he's not taking my car for 4 days and leaving me home with a baby and no vehicle. He doesnt have his "own" car, he blew the motor up in his car he had when we met, then before we got married I had a good job and lent him money for another car, which he over heated last winter and messed up the motor in that one too. Im not buying him another car, but he sure is beating the crap out of mine. He wasn't thrilled, but I told him he can catch a ride with his friend, and split the gas. I need the car for work and in case of an emergency. I'm going to have to hire a baby sitter to watch my son while im at work the days he's gone, so I need the car to take my son to the sitter.
> 
> His free time at home is spent playing video games. His idea of quality time with our son is playing video games while he is sitting on his lap. I do all of our grocery shopping, he goes out with his friends alone, Im never invited. My friends who are couple do come to hang out, or we go out with them occasionally. He even goes out with my friends boyfriend a couple times a month. He doesn't clean the house, he wont even put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket. He does watch my son while I go to work, I work night shift so I get the baby to bed, and he's there to watch him while he sleeps, or if he would wake up through the night.


You know, reading all this saddens me. You are working, you are buying him a car to wreck, you do all the housekeeping, you do the grocery shopping, and he can't even put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket? You don't have a husband... you have two children!

Why do you put up with that kind of nonsense? And I hate to say it, but when you said he was "immature" you said a mouthful! You need him to get his priorities straight. You are killing yourself and he's a video game junkie. This is NOT what makes a marriage work!

I have been truly blessed with a wonderful man who always changed diapers, pitched in with the kids, helped clean house, and did as much as I did to make everything work. I guess that's why we made it 40 years. We never fight, and never have. (I guess he knows I'd win, anyway, LOL). He's a darned decent man and I thank my lucky stars I got him!


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## Seashells (Apr 13, 2011)

Wow, I read you last post, and I'm amazed at what you endure.

Marriage is give and take. It's not "me, me, me, me....take, take, take...and get away with it."

Talk to him about concerns, grow from it, and thrive in a content marriage. Communication is so important.

You deserve the best. Respected, appreciated, and treated fairly.

Life is so precious and short, and God gifts us with a spouse to share this time on earth.

Please, I hope you don't mind me saying, but I care about this and have to say...You are his wife...not his mommy. He needs to grow up.

I hope the best for you and your baby...and hope your husband realizes what's most important: Enhancing his family's life, not just his own.

God Bless


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## SampleMM (Apr 13, 2011)

OH MY GOODNESS, I am speechless. My posts were directed at a normal husband/wife relationship. One where there is mutual respect for both partners. I'm sorry that you are going through this. In light of your latest posts, I would suggest marriage counseling as soon as possible before the resentment builds and there is no getting past it. Take care.


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## kaykay (Apr 14, 2011)

I am a big believer in marriage. Its so much easier to walk away than it is to stay.

Remember all we are only hearing one side of the story. And I totally get that everyone has to vent and just get it out.

One thing my husband used to constantly say (when we first married) is "I am not a mind reader" I do think women are kinda bad about that. We expect men to just know what we want or need. When we get upset we tend to just bottle it up inside until one minor thing happens and then we explode---instead of just addressing what bothers us when it happens.

Be sure to talk to him and tell him what you need from the marriage.

If that fails try some marriage counseling. You both have a huge reason to make it work and that is your son!


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## muffntuf (Apr 14, 2011)

Okay - let's face it, not a single person on this planet can read minds - its both sides here - its called communication and we as a society are very bad about it, its not just a woman thing - men are just as bad.

Hope all goes well!


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## cretahillsgal (Apr 14, 2011)

The only way that I would do all that myself, is if I was a stay at home mom and that was my "job"


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