This is going to be personal, but I have no one
- Thread starter lvponies
- Start date
Help Support Miniature Horse Talk Forums:
lvponies
Well-Known Member
No new drawers that I've seen yet, but this time of year he's wearing long johns! It's going to be weird for him to actually have to shop for his own clothes!! He hasn't had to do that in years. I've bought all his flannel shirts, jeans, socks and his drawers too. He'll probably go and get all fancy now and buy something different. That will be good for him!!
Little sleep and too much coffee has made this morning the toughest so far. Went searching to find his wedding ring and found it in a little drawer of my dresser. For some reason, that made the situation more real to me. Kind of another sucker punch to my stomach. My dogs were ready to call 911 to have the men in white coats come & take the crazy lady away who was making all those funny noises!! I really don't know if I will ever be totally sane again!! It sure doesn't feel like it at this point. Trying & trying to find the strength I know is inside me, but no matter how far I dive down to find it, it's hiding at this point and not revealing itself to me. I'll keep looking and hopefully will find it soon.
Thank you all for being there for me!!! You are really helping a whole bunch!!
Little sleep and too much coffee has made this morning the toughest so far. Went searching to find his wedding ring and found it in a little drawer of my dresser. For some reason, that made the situation more real to me. Kind of another sucker punch to my stomach. My dogs were ready to call 911 to have the men in white coats come & take the crazy lady away who was making all those funny noises!! I really don't know if I will ever be totally sane again!! It sure doesn't feel like it at this point. Trying & trying to find the strength I know is inside me, but no matter how far I dive down to find it, it's hiding at this point and not revealing itself to me. I'll keep looking and hopefully will find it soon.
Thank you all for being there for me!!! You are really helping a whole bunch!!
CritterCountry
Well-Known Member
I am sorry this is happening to you. I know it is common for men to go through this at this age. My father did.
Turned out he had been cheating on my mom since we were babies with a lady I babysat for. I can't tell you how much I wanted to beat that woman. It nearly killed my mother and she is still going through rough days two years later. I know the heartbreak you are feeling as I have seen it
Sounds like he may be going through confidence issues. Or he is hitting his second childhood and wants to do new things. It isn't fair to you though. When you make a commitment you should stick to it through thick and thin.
Thinking about you and sending hugs..just know you WILL get through this..in time.
Turned out he had been cheating on my mom since we were babies with a lady I babysat for. I can't tell you how much I wanted to beat that woman. It nearly killed my mother and she is still going through rough days two years later. I know the heartbreak you are feeling as I have seen it
Sounds like he may be going through confidence issues. Or he is hitting his second childhood and wants to do new things. It isn't fair to you though. When you make a commitment you should stick to it through thick and thin.
Thinking about you and sending hugs..just know you WILL get through this..in time.
SunQuest
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2002
- Messages
- 1,280
- Reaction score
- 0
Kim,
I appologize for this really long post, but I am hoping in some small way that it will help you somehow.
I have been thinking about your situation a WHOLE LOT. I was told exactly the same thing by my husband a year ago. I then found out that he was really good friends with a female co-worker and they wrote love letters to each other. The hurt and devistation that I felt when I read an email from my husband to her that said "I would be easier to quit eating then to live without you" about killed me. Not only did he say he didn't love me any more, but now I knew there was someone else that he thought he loved.
So when I read the follow quote in your post, some things jumped out at me that are the same very things that my husband and I have been forced to work on. The part that jumped out at me the most is in bold:
That statement is one of the things that I had been doing very wrong. Why am I yelling at my husband??? Do I yell at my coworks or people that are involved in my other interests but are not family? Nope.... So why is it ok to yell at my husband? He is the man I love. Should I not treat him with more respect and love and kindness than I do all others? What gave me the right to treat him as my kid and yell at him? Now I am not saying that I yelled at him every day, but what I am saying is that when I was angry, I didn't treat him with the respect that he deserves.
And then I was giving him further reason to keep things locked up. He was afraid I would get mad at him if he voice his feelings and didn't trust me. Why was this? Well many reasons, but the key one was that I was breaking a very important rule. I was taking my anger and hurt out on him when he told me something I didn't like. How is that promoting him to WANT to talk to me? So now we have an agreement. No matter what the other person has to say, we are not allowed to yell at them for it. And when we are afraid that we are going to step on the other person's toes, we always start off by saying "I have something I need to say, but I want you to promise not to yell at me when I say it." This way the other person knows that we are afraid of being hurt and the other person can then adjust their behavior before hand. This may not work for everyone, but it has been helping us to open up to each other.
And then upon further help, I learn that woman tend to "talk to death" everything. We go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on untill the point where the man shuts down. Men on the other hand tend to say or do something that shows displeasure and then for get about it as it is over and done with. Doesn't mean that they don't care or don't change. They just don't need to dwell on it like women do. Just learning this has made a HUGE difference in my marriage.
And other things I have learned, One is that I need to be the kind of person that I would want to love, hug, come home to, and to give my life for. When I think of it this way, I find that I have not always been this person. And what about treating my spouse as if I loved him with my last breath - no matter how I feel at that moment?
If you are still able to talk with Allen, and if he is trying to be nice, why not try a different tactic. Why not just breifly ask him if he would be willing to read a book with you before any more decisions about your future are made as you have been together for so very long and you have children to worry about. Yes, put those children first and understand how they must be feeling to see their family turn apart. And if he agrees to read this book with you, agree that you will let him make the choice as to what he wants to do.
Hint.... I had my husband read a section to me and then I read a section to him. This way we BOTH participated in doing something together. We set a maximum amount of time that we would spend reading this each day. We did no more than on hour. Of course sometimes we didn't get far in the reading as we would have "ah ha" moments and would start talking. But we still limited it to the time frame we both agreed on and then when the time was up we did other things. My husband's biggest fear was that I would go on for hours ramming crud down his throat and so I had to agree that I wouldn't do that.... Like I said, I was doing the "nagging" behavior that was part of making him so miserable.
The book I am talking about is "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriages". I found it to be a HUGE eye opener and I can say that no matter what happens from here on out with my marriage, I have learned that I have made more than my fair share of mistakes that contributed to my husband telling me he is no longer happy. And because I have tried to change how I treat him, he is now acting happier and he is being more caring of what is happening to me.
Hope I am not offending anyone, but I figure he must still have a little bit of caring for you or he wouldn't be in your home right now and trying to talk with you. You still have hope, and it still isn't to late to try to rescue this marriage. But it will take you BOTH working harder than ever to do so.
And as another ray of hope, we have been doing much better in our relationship. My husband is now much more willing to talk with me. And he surprised me this past Christmas. He wanted to buy me a new wedding band for our 20th aniversary that was Jan 2. (I am waiting for it to be finished as it is a custom design
) With the help of that one little book, my husband went from litterally having an emotional affair (devistating me totally) to wanting to be with me again. We now go out for dinner once a week every week. Just the two of us. Yep, I have to pay for it, but it is worth every penny as we actually are spending good quality time together. Just the two of us.
And just to let you know, my husband and I didn't agree with everything in the book, but we found ourselves genuinely talking.
Again, sorry so long, but like I said, I am a woman and can talk things to death. LOL.
I appologize for this really long post, but I am hoping in some small way that it will help you somehow.
I have been thinking about your situation a WHOLE LOT. I was told exactly the same thing by my husband a year ago. I then found out that he was really good friends with a female co-worker and they wrote love letters to each other. The hurt and devistation that I felt when I read an email from my husband to her that said "I would be easier to quit eating then to live without you" about killed me. Not only did he say he didn't love me any more, but now I knew there was someone else that he thought he loved.
So when I read the follow quote in your post, some things jumped out at me that are the same very things that my husband and I have been forced to work on. The part that jumped out at me the most is in bold:
That statement is one of the things that I had been doing very wrong. Why am I yelling at my husband??? Do I yell at my coworks or people that are involved in my other interests but are not family? Nope.... So why is it ok to yell at my husband? He is the man I love. Should I not treat him with more respect and love and kindness than I do all others? What gave me the right to treat him as my kid and yell at him? Now I am not saying that I yelled at him every day, but what I am saying is that when I was angry, I didn't treat him with the respect that he deserves.
And then I was giving him further reason to keep things locked up. He was afraid I would get mad at him if he voice his feelings and didn't trust me. Why was this? Well many reasons, but the key one was that I was breaking a very important rule. I was taking my anger and hurt out on him when he told me something I didn't like. How is that promoting him to WANT to talk to me? So now we have an agreement. No matter what the other person has to say, we are not allowed to yell at them for it. And when we are afraid that we are going to step on the other person's toes, we always start off by saying "I have something I need to say, but I want you to promise not to yell at me when I say it." This way the other person knows that we are afraid of being hurt and the other person can then adjust their behavior before hand. This may not work for everyone, but it has been helping us to open up to each other.
And then upon further help, I learn that woman tend to "talk to death" everything. We go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on untill the point where the man shuts down. Men on the other hand tend to say or do something that shows displeasure and then for get about it as it is over and done with. Doesn't mean that they don't care or don't change. They just don't need to dwell on it like women do. Just learning this has made a HUGE difference in my marriage.
And other things I have learned, One is that I need to be the kind of person that I would want to love, hug, come home to, and to give my life for. When I think of it this way, I find that I have not always been this person. And what about treating my spouse as if I loved him with my last breath - no matter how I feel at that moment?
If you are still able to talk with Allen, and if he is trying to be nice, why not try a different tactic. Why not just breifly ask him if he would be willing to read a book with you before any more decisions about your future are made as you have been together for so very long and you have children to worry about. Yes, put those children first and understand how they must be feeling to see their family turn apart. And if he agrees to read this book with you, agree that you will let him make the choice as to what he wants to do.
Hint.... I had my husband read a section to me and then I read a section to him. This way we BOTH participated in doing something together. We set a maximum amount of time that we would spend reading this each day. We did no more than on hour. Of course sometimes we didn't get far in the reading as we would have "ah ha" moments and would start talking. But we still limited it to the time frame we both agreed on and then when the time was up we did other things. My husband's biggest fear was that I would go on for hours ramming crud down his throat and so I had to agree that I wouldn't do that.... Like I said, I was doing the "nagging" behavior that was part of making him so miserable.
The book I am talking about is "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriages". I found it to be a HUGE eye opener and I can say that no matter what happens from here on out with my marriage, I have learned that I have made more than my fair share of mistakes that contributed to my husband telling me he is no longer happy. And because I have tried to change how I treat him, he is now acting happier and he is being more caring of what is happening to me.
Hope I am not offending anyone, but I figure he must still have a little bit of caring for you or he wouldn't be in your home right now and trying to talk with you. You still have hope, and it still isn't to late to try to rescue this marriage. But it will take you BOTH working harder than ever to do so.
And as another ray of hope, we have been doing much better in our relationship. My husband is now much more willing to talk with me. And he surprised me this past Christmas. He wanted to buy me a new wedding band for our 20th aniversary that was Jan 2. (I am waiting for it to be finished as it is a custom design
And just to let you know, my husband and I didn't agree with everything in the book, but we found ourselves genuinely talking.
Again, sorry so long, but like I said, I am a woman and can talk things to death. LOL.
Last edited by a moderator:
Denise
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Nov 30, 2002
- Messages
- 973
- Reaction score
- 0
Excellent post Sunquest! You could have been describing me (except the co-worker part)
Scary but I see myself doing some of those things-boy that was an eye opener for me. This whole situation has got me thinking differently.
I think I better count my blessings.
Scary but I see myself doing some of those things-boy that was an eye opener for me. This whole situation has got me thinking differently.
I think I better count my blessings.
Cedar Ridge Farm
Well-Known Member
Kim,
I am sooo sorry you are going through this. I will add you and hubby to the prayer list and know that although you feel like you are alone, all of us are only a phone call away. PM for my number if you want. Will be here for you anytime!!
God Bless,
Peggy
Sunquest....
Good advice for all of us even if we've been married for 24 years
I am sooo sorry you are going through this. I will add you and hubby to the prayer list and know that although you feel like you are alone, all of us are only a phone call away. PM for my number if you want. Will be here for you anytime!!
God Bless,
Peggy
Sunquest....
Basketmiss
Well-Known Member
You hit it on the mark Nila!
Alot of men DONT talk and like you said we women seem to talk them to death! ( I am guilty too) Men tend to shut down their feelings and the more they say NOTHING the worse it gets inside of them.
I have friends who say they never fight and have the best marriage BUT we see something different. She always gets her way because he shuts down his feelings, she can tell him shes mad but he NEVER tells her the same! That is not human for him to always be happy with EVERYTHING she says or does, even if its not nice! He just shuts down because 1st he is a man, but he thinks it is easier to just give her her own way. So he never stands up to her so in turn he is an butt to some innocent person who might walk up and speak to him, he is rude, because he has kept his true fellings for her so deep inside and takes them out on others...
I'm not saying this is what happened but it does sound like he has kept his feelings to himself, instead of talking. that is where a counselor comes in. They get you both to talk about all the things you havent and clear the air and start anew...
People who close down their feelings do have heart attacks, panic attacks, ulcer, etc, because your body can only hold in SO much and then it blows...
Emotions control so much of our bodies and most people dont realize this.. They can make or break you..
So cry-cry-cry, get out those emotions you are hurting I know.....I hope your husband can try to do the seem, an emotional cleansing as it were...
((( HUGS))) to you. Maybe if he gets out his feelings then he will come back to you and you all can start over ...
Alot of men DONT talk and like you said we women seem to talk them to death! ( I am guilty too) Men tend to shut down their feelings and the more they say NOTHING the worse it gets inside of them.
I have friends who say they never fight and have the best marriage BUT we see something different. She always gets her way because he shuts down his feelings, she can tell him shes mad but he NEVER tells her the same! That is not human for him to always be happy with EVERYTHING she says or does, even if its not nice! He just shuts down because 1st he is a man, but he thinks it is easier to just give her her own way. So he never stands up to her so in turn he is an butt to some innocent person who might walk up and speak to him, he is rude, because he has kept his true fellings for her so deep inside and takes them out on others...
I'm not saying this is what happened but it does sound like he has kept his feelings to himself, instead of talking. that is where a counselor comes in. They get you both to talk about all the things you havent and clear the air and start anew...
People who close down their feelings do have heart attacks, panic attacks, ulcer, etc, because your body can only hold in SO much and then it blows...
Emotions control so much of our bodies and most people dont realize this.. They can make or break you..
So cry-cry-cry, get out those emotions you are hurting I know.....I hope your husband can try to do the seem, an emotional cleansing as it were...
((( HUGS))) to you. Maybe if he gets out his feelings then he will come back to you and you all can start over ...
SunQuest
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2002
- Messages
- 1,280
- Reaction score
- 0
Why Jesper! Glad to see your post! Have any thoughts on this whole situation that may help Kim any? It would be good to hear a Man's point of view if you are willing to share.very interesting post there Nila
outlawridge
Well-Known Member
Kim,
My heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. May I ask if you have a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus? He is who you need to turn to, and with a true heart. Give this crisis to Him. If you do not know Him, please consider it, your life and heart will be renewed, and you will be amazed. I pray that He holds you in His loving embrace and carries you through this time in your life.
My heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. May I ask if you have a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus? He is who you need to turn to, and with a true heart. Give this crisis to Him. If you do not know Him, please consider it, your life and heart will be renewed, and you will be amazed. I pray that He holds you in His loving embrace and carries you through this time in your life.
lvponies
Well-Known Member
Nila,
Thank you for your post. I have recognized many of these issues in our marriage. I do believe that Allen totally shuts down and stops listening to me at all when I've yelled. I have tried very hard over the past years to stop doing that, to talk instead of yell and to listen if he wants to talk. Unfortunately, after many years of me yelling, I think it was just too late to make a difference. I think tuning me out is automatic to him now even when I'm talking quietly. I did blow up at him over the holidays and I think that also contributed to where we are now. He left to go see a buddy and I knew they'd go out drinking. He doesn't drink much at all ever, but over the holidays, he likes to get together with his friends and cut lose. Anyway, he was gone for over 12 hours with no word to me. I called his cell phone for several hours without him answering. By the time he called me at 9:00 at night, I was past worried and truly ticked off. He knows that I just want him to call so I don't worry about him. If he calls, I'm ok and won't give him heck. When he called, I started screaming and yelling at him on the phone. As you said in your post, I treated him like a child with no respect. I really think this was the beginning of the end. That was the night he told me how I had let myself go, etc. I didn't scream at all about that as I was totally stunned that he would say something like that to me. Calmed my butt right down!!
I honestly don't think Allen wants to work to save the marriage at all. I think he is past done with me and is ready to move on. However, I'm going to get brave and come right out and ask him if he would be willing to work on the marriage or not. It's scary for me to even contemplate doing as I am so very sure the answer will be no. If by some miracle (which I'm not at all counting on) he says yes, then I will order the book you recommended and see if we can work through it together. It sounds like you and your husband are on the right track. I am so glad you were able to work things out the way you did. Thank you very much for sharing your experience with me!!!
Thank you for your post. I have recognized many of these issues in our marriage. I do believe that Allen totally shuts down and stops listening to me at all when I've yelled. I have tried very hard over the past years to stop doing that, to talk instead of yell and to listen if he wants to talk. Unfortunately, after many years of me yelling, I think it was just too late to make a difference. I think tuning me out is automatic to him now even when I'm talking quietly. I did blow up at him over the holidays and I think that also contributed to where we are now. He left to go see a buddy and I knew they'd go out drinking. He doesn't drink much at all ever, but over the holidays, he likes to get together with his friends and cut lose. Anyway, he was gone for over 12 hours with no word to me. I called his cell phone for several hours without him answering. By the time he called me at 9:00 at night, I was past worried and truly ticked off. He knows that I just want him to call so I don't worry about him. If he calls, I'm ok and won't give him heck. When he called, I started screaming and yelling at him on the phone. As you said in your post, I treated him like a child with no respect. I really think this was the beginning of the end. That was the night he told me how I had let myself go, etc. I didn't scream at all about that as I was totally stunned that he would say something like that to me. Calmed my butt right down!!
I honestly don't think Allen wants to work to save the marriage at all. I think he is past done with me and is ready to move on. However, I'm going to get brave and come right out and ask him if he would be willing to work on the marriage or not. It's scary for me to even contemplate doing as I am so very sure the answer will be no. If by some miracle (which I'm not at all counting on) he says yes, then I will order the book you recommended and see if we can work through it together. It sounds like you and your husband are on the right track. I am so glad you were able to work things out the way you did. Thank you very much for sharing your experience with me!!!
SunQuest
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2002
- Messages
- 1,280
- Reaction score
- 0
Kim,I honestly don't think Allen wants to work to save the marriage at all. I think he is past done with me and is ready to move on. However, I'm going to get brave and come right out and ask him if he would be willing to work on the marriage or not. It's scary for me to even contemplate doing as I am so very sure the answer will be no. If by some miracle (which I'm not at all counting on) he says yes, then I will order the book you recommended and see if we can work through it together. It sounds like you and your husband are on the right track. I am so glad you were able to work things out the way you did. Thank you very much for sharing your experience with me!!!
I too was VERY VERY scared to even ask. Chris had always said he didn't believe in counceling and that made it much worse for me. I went and bought the book first. It is comon in most book stores and I figured that I would read it so that my next relationship would be better than the present one.
Well, when I asked Chris if he would do this, I found out that even though I thought our relationship was totally gone, he was willing to at least read it with me. He cared just enough about me to want to see me deal with the seperation easier and by me telling Chris that it would be his choice to stay or go and I wouldn't whine, cry or yell at him when he made it, it gave him an out. At the time I didn't understand this, but now I do. I was finally giving my MAN the choice to decide what he wants. I was treating him with respect and letting him feel like a MAN instead of a child.
Start off by apologizing to Allen for treating him like crap (even if you don't truely believe it.) It will probably shock the heck out of him to hear you say that. Then tell him you understand where he is coming from and that if he is not happy then neither are you. Let him know that you care about his happyness first and formost. I bet that will at least get a look of releif on his face.
And you may have to accept that he doesn't want to try. But at least you know you have tried to change the situation. Further, even if it doesn't help you and Allen any, just reading it will help you to understand why Allen would feel the way he does. Understanding is so very important in getting beyond this in what ever fashion that it should happen.
Please, feel free to call me or pm me if you would like. I will be more than glad to talk with you if you pm me for my phone number.
(((Hugs)))
lvponies
Well-Known Member
Allen & I had a good long talk tonight. Very calmly, no screaming or yelling at all. This is what I understand from what he told me. He feels like his life is about over and he wants to go out and find some sort of happiness. He doesn't feel the kind of love for me that he should. He said that he's always felt that after the kids were grown that he was out of here. He and I have had a rather boring marriage.....never go anywhere, never do anything together. My interest has been the horses, his has always been hunting. He wants some fun in life and to see what's out there. I asked if there was anything we could do to try to save the marriage and he said that he just doesn't have those feelings for me and wants to do this for himself. Asked him if it is worth it to throw away his family, his children and his farm and after much soul searching, he feels it is worth it to do this for himself. He said that he would stay through the winter and get some things fixed around the house that have needed fixing. He said that even going forward he would help me out when he could. He's not walking out and leaving me with the bills and pretty much saying forget you as some men have probably done. He's honorable and he cares about me and the family, but needs to do this for himself. At this point in time, there is no saving the marriage. It's over. I told him that I sincerely hope he doesn't regret his decision at some point in the future. He also that there is a good possibility that this is a mid-life crisis. So.....It hurts like I can't explain that he doesn't love me in that way, but it feels better that he's not just walking out and abandoning us. I think we can have a somewhat friendly relationship going forward. My daughters are both extremely upset and don't understand how their father could do this to them. I honestly find it hard to understand too, but it's happening, no getting around it, this is our new reality. I honestly don't think he has ever been "in love" with me. I know he cared and loved me in his way as he has shown me that many times throughout the years, but it's never been a truly in love passionate relationship. Guess I have adapted to that through the years and it was ok. Guess he finally figured out that our type of relationship just isn't enough for him and truly, I guess it wasn't really ever enough for me either. I had just gotten used to it and it was "normal". If that makes sense? So.....I told him I loved him and wished him the best going forward. Told him that I hoped he found the happiness he seeks. Told him how much I appreciated everything he's done for me over the years. He's a good man who had to make a difficult decision to improve his life. I don't think he's ever put himself first before. I sincerely hope he finds what he's looking for out there. I'm glad he's not just going to drop out of sight. I am sad and hurt that he doesn't love me like that when I do love him like that, but you can't make people feel what they don't feel. He says there is no other woman and I believe him. He also said that while he's still living here he would never seek out other women. Said he would never do that to me. So.....my marriage has ended. Stick a fork in it, it's done!!! I'll heal eventually and the pain will subside. Stuff happens and you can't always control it!!
Thank you my wonderful forum family!!!! This week has been the week from heck for me and all your support, hugs, advice and caring for someone you've never met has astounded me. I could never, ever put into words how much you have helped me and how much I have appreciated you all.
{{{BIG HUGS}}}
to each and everyone of you!!!
Thank you my wonderful forum family!!!! This week has been the week from heck for me and all your support, hugs, advice and caring for someone you've never met has astounded me. I could never, ever put into words how much you have helped me and how much I have appreciated you all.
Cathy_H
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Nov 30, 2002
- Messages
- 2,113
- Reaction score
- 0
I have not read all of your posts so don't know if this has been mentioned or not. Is your husband on any kind of medications? I heard someone recently who was telling about his horrible experiences while on a certain medication. I understand personality / attitude changes, suicidal tendencies etc can occur?
The Simple Life Farm
Well-Known Member
Kim,
Maybe if you approach your new relationship with him as a frienship, it may help ease the pain. I feel that husbands/wives must be friends first, then lovers. The following months will be hard, but lean on us when you need to.
If you want to get away, I live close to Denise, so you can come visit us both.
At this point, I would consider making very small changes in your finances. You have to look out for you and the girls first. Keep your head held high, life is not over, it only feels like it. It will get better, but just changed.
Kelly
Maybe if you approach your new relationship with him as a frienship, it may help ease the pain. I feel that husbands/wives must be friends first, then lovers. The following months will be hard, but lean on us when you need to.
If you want to get away, I live close to Denise, so you can come visit us both.
At this point, I would consider making very small changes in your finances. You have to look out for you and the girls first. Keep your head held high, life is not over, it only feels like it. It will get better, but just changed.
Kelly
bluetaterbaby
Well-Known Member
My prayers are there. I'm so glad you two were able to talk. We're here for you.
God bless,
Joan
God bless,
Joan
SunQuest
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2002
- Messages
- 1,280
- Reaction score
- 0
Kim,
I am not sure what to say and to make it worse I am not a counseler so these are just my thoughts for you to do with as you wish and I will not have bad feelings no matter what you do.
I honestly believe that Allen has some sort of feelings for you. He isn't just leaving you, but I actually think that this is harder on you than if he just walked out as you are stuck putting up with knowing that he doesn't care for you in the same way as you care for him and you are not even sure where things will go from here.
I still recommend reading "the proper care and feeding of marriages", or much hbetter yet, the other one called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". And as you read this book, make sure that you accidently leave it to be found by Allen. Don't shove it down his throat and don't expect him to ask you about it, don't expect it to work miracles at first, or at all. But this will SHOW him you care enough to try anything to help him. Words are just words to him at this point. But your actions will tell him so much more than anything else. Show him that making him happy is very important to you.
While you have to take him at his word at this point, and not to give false hope, but you have a couple of months to make drastic changes to your relationship if you choose to try. Of course you can also choose to let it be and move on. My suggestion is to prepare yourself for the worst and hope for the best. Do what you need to protect yourself and your children first.
But let me say this much. His feelings have not always been the way they are now, and even though he says all is done, doesn't mean that it really is as he obviously cares enough about you to not have another woman in your lives and to also try to make your transition easier so that you are not homeless. This speaks HUGE volumes about the kind of man you have and that he really does care about something. Not sure how your new relationship will look in a few months from now, but now is when you will have the best chance to influence it for the better.
I went back and reread what Deb (Whitestar) wrote. Listen to her. She definately sounds like she understands as Allen is where she was. He NEEDS a change. He NEEDS to feel like he is important for a change. He needs to feel alive. His heart attack probably opened his eyes big time. His own statement that he is not sure if it is a midlife crisis or not tells me that he isn't sure about this either, but he is very sure he doesn't want another year of feeling unhappy and without hope. Yet he is leaving a very small window open by saying this could be a midlife crisis. In his own way it sounds to me like he was asking for your understanding. (note: you don't have to like it to understand it...)
So decrease the horse count. Pay someone else to either hay for you or buy hay. Heck, if Allen follows through with this, then you probably would be better off not worrying about the horses until you get your feet back under you. Not easy to do, but in the long run it is probably going to be easier on you. Dress up. Have fun with the family. Truely enjoy your few moments together as a family, if not for yourself, but for your kids so that their pain may be eased some.
Next ask yourself this. What did you do and how did you act when you were trying to find your true love? You need to do that now. FOR YOU. And if Allen notices the changes in you, good.
What he was telling you about you letting yourself go was not that he cares what you look like, but rather that he notices that you don't care enough about him to look your best so that he can take pride in you being his woman. (Hope that makes sense.)
So, this being the case, time to start to try and turn other guys heads, not to make Allem jealouse, but to give Allen a reason to say "I am glad she is mine". If Allen leaves, you are a step ahead in the hunt for your new life. If Allen notices that you are trying give him a reason to be proud to say that you are his, that may help. In either event it is positive for you.
Next, treat Allen as if you were trying to make him fall in love with you. What I am saying is that Allen is screaming out at you that he is lonely in his world. It is a miserable world and he is ready to change that. While there is a good chance that depression and midlife crisis may be the issue, you not noticing or caring about his true happyness is not helping. Think back. When you were dating your world revolved around him. Everything you did was to try and impress Allen or to show the extrents to which you will go to make him happy. I would even bet that you went hunting with him and showed tons of interest in his hobbies and somewhat sacrifiece your own to be with him.
What do you do now to do that? I don't mean the every day things like dinner, laundry and dishes. I mean how do you show him you care about his happiness? Do you ever call or text message him with just the simple message of "I miss you and just wanted to hear your voice?" or all the phone calls about things that need to be done and when he will be home? When was the last time you smiled at him and said "I am glad you are home" or "You being here right now is the best thing that happened to me today" and not had any underlying reason to tell him that?
Again, I have no real answers as I am still trying to put my marriage back together after years of severe neglect from both of us. But after reading those books I can definately look back and see where many things went wrong. I got some peace in understanding. I was able to make some changes in my own behavior to help with no expence to my well being, wants and freedoms. After all, if neither person is willing to start the process of changing, then nothing will happen. And you changing how you are going to act and treat Allen is much easier than you changing Allen. If you make positive changes in your behavior, it won't hurt Allen one bit.
One thing to remember is that Allen will react to what it is you do. Start to show him how much you love him. Make him your first priority with your children just a very small fraction of a step below that. It has been pointed out to me that in many marriages the husband is placed last behind the wife's career, hobbies, and need to care for the children. How can Allen be happy when he feels that he is the last one to get any thanks or recognition for his sacrifices, and in the end it results in him not being able to love you.
Ugg.. I am rambling. But as you can see, I have had to examine these things in my life. My husband had not only told me he was out of here and that if being married to me meant that he had to live the way he was, then he would rather die, but he went further to say that there were others out that that made him feel alive and special. I let my family and horses and dogs get in the way of my own husband's happiness and in doing so I sacrifed my marriage for what made me happy. I forgot that while the other things are very important to me, none are more important than the man I chose to live my life with.
I am not saying that it is all on you and all your fault. But, what I am saying is that out of the two of you, you sound more rational than Allen. If you make the first step to change this marriage, then Allen has no choice but to react to what you do. May or may not be what your heart desires, but change will happen.
All you can do is do your best. Pick up the peices of your life and do the best you can to repair it. If Allen chooses to change his mind, so be it. If he doesn't, then you can consider all the hard work to change the way you show your love to Allen as practice at changing all the bad habits that years of a neglected marriage creates so that you can treat the next man better and so that the next man will love you so much more than you ever dreamed of.
(((hugs))) and keep your chin up. We are here for you.
I am not sure what to say and to make it worse I am not a counseler so these are just my thoughts for you to do with as you wish and I will not have bad feelings no matter what you do.
I honestly believe that Allen has some sort of feelings for you. He isn't just leaving you, but I actually think that this is harder on you than if he just walked out as you are stuck putting up with knowing that he doesn't care for you in the same way as you care for him and you are not even sure where things will go from here.
I still recommend reading "the proper care and feeding of marriages", or much hbetter yet, the other one called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". And as you read this book, make sure that you accidently leave it to be found by Allen. Don't shove it down his throat and don't expect him to ask you about it, don't expect it to work miracles at first, or at all. But this will SHOW him you care enough to try anything to help him. Words are just words to him at this point. But your actions will tell him so much more than anything else. Show him that making him happy is very important to you.
While you have to take him at his word at this point, and not to give false hope, but you have a couple of months to make drastic changes to your relationship if you choose to try. Of course you can also choose to let it be and move on. My suggestion is to prepare yourself for the worst and hope for the best. Do what you need to protect yourself and your children first.
But let me say this much. His feelings have not always been the way they are now, and even though he says all is done, doesn't mean that it really is as he obviously cares enough about you to not have another woman in your lives and to also try to make your transition easier so that you are not homeless. This speaks HUGE volumes about the kind of man you have and that he really does care about something. Not sure how your new relationship will look in a few months from now, but now is when you will have the best chance to influence it for the better.
I went back and reread what Deb (Whitestar) wrote. Listen to her. She definately sounds like she understands as Allen is where she was. He NEEDS a change. He NEEDS to feel like he is important for a change. He needs to feel alive. His heart attack probably opened his eyes big time. His own statement that he is not sure if it is a midlife crisis or not tells me that he isn't sure about this either, but he is very sure he doesn't want another year of feeling unhappy and without hope. Yet he is leaving a very small window open by saying this could be a midlife crisis. In his own way it sounds to me like he was asking for your understanding. (note: you don't have to like it to understand it...)
So decrease the horse count. Pay someone else to either hay for you or buy hay. Heck, if Allen follows through with this, then you probably would be better off not worrying about the horses until you get your feet back under you. Not easy to do, but in the long run it is probably going to be easier on you. Dress up. Have fun with the family. Truely enjoy your few moments together as a family, if not for yourself, but for your kids so that their pain may be eased some.
Next ask yourself this. What did you do and how did you act when you were trying to find your true love? You need to do that now. FOR YOU. And if Allen notices the changes in you, good.
What he was telling you about you letting yourself go was not that he cares what you look like, but rather that he notices that you don't care enough about him to look your best so that he can take pride in you being his woman. (Hope that makes sense.)
So, this being the case, time to start to try and turn other guys heads, not to make Allem jealouse, but to give Allen a reason to say "I am glad she is mine". If Allen leaves, you are a step ahead in the hunt for your new life. If Allen notices that you are trying give him a reason to be proud to say that you are his, that may help. In either event it is positive for you.
Next, treat Allen as if you were trying to make him fall in love with you. What I am saying is that Allen is screaming out at you that he is lonely in his world. It is a miserable world and he is ready to change that. While there is a good chance that depression and midlife crisis may be the issue, you not noticing or caring about his true happyness is not helping. Think back. When you were dating your world revolved around him. Everything you did was to try and impress Allen or to show the extrents to which you will go to make him happy. I would even bet that you went hunting with him and showed tons of interest in his hobbies and somewhat sacrifiece your own to be with him.
What do you do now to do that? I don't mean the every day things like dinner, laundry and dishes. I mean how do you show him you care about his happiness? Do you ever call or text message him with just the simple message of "I miss you and just wanted to hear your voice?" or all the phone calls about things that need to be done and when he will be home? When was the last time you smiled at him and said "I am glad you are home" or "You being here right now is the best thing that happened to me today" and not had any underlying reason to tell him that?
Again, I have no real answers as I am still trying to put my marriage back together after years of severe neglect from both of us. But after reading those books I can definately look back and see where many things went wrong. I got some peace in understanding. I was able to make some changes in my own behavior to help with no expence to my well being, wants and freedoms. After all, if neither person is willing to start the process of changing, then nothing will happen. And you changing how you are going to act and treat Allen is much easier than you changing Allen. If you make positive changes in your behavior, it won't hurt Allen one bit.
One thing to remember is that Allen will react to what it is you do. Start to show him how much you love him. Make him your first priority with your children just a very small fraction of a step below that. It has been pointed out to me that in many marriages the husband is placed last behind the wife's career, hobbies, and need to care for the children. How can Allen be happy when he feels that he is the last one to get any thanks or recognition for his sacrifices, and in the end it results in him not being able to love you.
Ugg.. I am rambling. But as you can see, I have had to examine these things in my life. My husband had not only told me he was out of here and that if being married to me meant that he had to live the way he was, then he would rather die, but he went further to say that there were others out that that made him feel alive and special. I let my family and horses and dogs get in the way of my own husband's happiness and in doing so I sacrifed my marriage for what made me happy. I forgot that while the other things are very important to me, none are more important than the man I chose to live my life with.
I am not saying that it is all on you and all your fault. But, what I am saying is that out of the two of you, you sound more rational than Allen. If you make the first step to change this marriage, then Allen has no choice but to react to what you do. May or may not be what your heart desires, but change will happen.
All you can do is do your best. Pick up the peices of your life and do the best you can to repair it. If Allen chooses to change his mind, so be it. If he doesn't, then you can consider all the hard work to change the way you show your love to Allen as practice at changing all the bad habits that years of a neglected marriage creates so that you can treat the next man better and so that the next man will love you so much more than you ever dreamed of.
(((hugs))) and keep your chin up. We are here for you.
lvponies
Well-Known Member
Good Morning all!! I am feeling better today then I have all week. Had a good night's sleep which I'm sure helped immensely!! Still woke up at 5:30 which is my normal time, but there's no school today and I had my alarm set for 7:00.
I've learned alot this week and still have much more to explore and discover. I have been in a rut and our marriage has been in a rut. I haven't been happy either. Life has been boring and dull. Just one day after another with little excitement or fun. Feeling like I was 80 years old!!! No spring in my step. Well......this is a perfect opportunity to work on me, for me. Get in better shape, become a better person, become happier with my self. Shake things up. Not for Allen, but for me. Not at all sure what the future will hold or exactly what I need to do for the new & improved me, but have some ideas. Not going to make any drastic, sudden changes right now as I'm afraid to do too much at once just in case it's a reaction to what's going on in my life right now. Don't want to make impulsive decisions that I may regret later. Some things I can do right now though......get in better shape & eat better, make that appt to go to the doctor's and get Chantix to quit smoking, look better when I go out (for some reason even though it's totally alien to me & feels weird, I do feel better when I look better). Work on getting decent pictures of the horses so I can put some up for sale. Maybe work on some projects around the house. Would love to paint my kitchen and put in a new floor. Maybe, take a class or 2 at a community college. I'd love to put more gardens out like Karla's (barnbum) beautiful place this spring. I don't know. Still in the ideas stage. The point is that I want to do more for me! If Allen takes notice, great. If not, that's ok too because I'm not doing it for him or to try to keep our marriage together. I'm doing it so I can feel better about myself. Ok...it's scary for me. That rut has become awfully comfortable and it's going to be hard to drag myself over the edge & out of it, but it will never, ever happen if I don't at least try!! Baby steps at first.
You know.....I'm kind of excited about it. I haven't been excited about anything in a long, long time. I need a slogan, a mantra, something to keep me going as I climb out of my familiar & comfortable rut. I know it won't be easy and there will be times I get sad & depressed, so if anyone has any ideas of positive sayings that will keep me going during the times I doubt myself or feel that I want to give up on myself, I would love seeing them.
Meanwhile....I will continue to support Allen on his quest for happiness. Does anyone else think of this as the quest for the Holy Grail or am I just warped? I will respect him, give him his space, not nag or harp on him and encourage him on his journeys. Maybe he'll become a better person too and like himself better. I'll always and forever love him and appreciate him being a part of my life for so long!! And...I'm going to order the books Nila suggested and leave them lying out somewhere where he can't help but notice them.
I did send him a text this morning thanking him for talking with me last night and hoping he has a good day.
Anyone else out there in a rut who's willing to try to climb out with me? Share your journey out? My rut is pretty dern deep, so it's going to take alot of digging to find my way out. One hand hold at a time....One day at a time....Breathe in, breathe out.......
edited for spelling correction
I've learned alot this week and still have much more to explore and discover. I have been in a rut and our marriage has been in a rut. I haven't been happy either. Life has been boring and dull. Just one day after another with little excitement or fun. Feeling like I was 80 years old!!! No spring in my step. Well......this is a perfect opportunity to work on me, for me. Get in better shape, become a better person, become happier with my self. Shake things up. Not for Allen, but for me. Not at all sure what the future will hold or exactly what I need to do for the new & improved me, but have some ideas. Not going to make any drastic, sudden changes right now as I'm afraid to do too much at once just in case it's a reaction to what's going on in my life right now. Don't want to make impulsive decisions that I may regret later. Some things I can do right now though......get in better shape & eat better, make that appt to go to the doctor's and get Chantix to quit smoking, look better when I go out (for some reason even though it's totally alien to me & feels weird, I do feel better when I look better). Work on getting decent pictures of the horses so I can put some up for sale. Maybe work on some projects around the house. Would love to paint my kitchen and put in a new floor. Maybe, take a class or 2 at a community college. I'd love to put more gardens out like Karla's (barnbum) beautiful place this spring. I don't know. Still in the ideas stage. The point is that I want to do more for me! If Allen takes notice, great. If not, that's ok too because I'm not doing it for him or to try to keep our marriage together. I'm doing it so I can feel better about myself. Ok...it's scary for me. That rut has become awfully comfortable and it's going to be hard to drag myself over the edge & out of it, but it will never, ever happen if I don't at least try!! Baby steps at first.
You know.....I'm kind of excited about it. I haven't been excited about anything in a long, long time. I need a slogan, a mantra, something to keep me going as I climb out of my familiar & comfortable rut. I know it won't be easy and there will be times I get sad & depressed, so if anyone has any ideas of positive sayings that will keep me going during the times I doubt myself or feel that I want to give up on myself, I would love seeing them.
Meanwhile....I will continue to support Allen on his quest for happiness. Does anyone else think of this as the quest for the Holy Grail or am I just warped? I will respect him, give him his space, not nag or harp on him and encourage him on his journeys. Maybe he'll become a better person too and like himself better. I'll always and forever love him and appreciate him being a part of my life for so long!! And...I'm going to order the books Nila suggested and leave them lying out somewhere where he can't help but notice them.
Anyone else out there in a rut who's willing to try to climb out with me? Share your journey out? My rut is pretty dern deep, so it's going to take alot of digging to find my way out. One hand hold at a time....One day at a time....Breathe in, breathe out.......
edited for spelling correction
Last edited by a moderator:
CrescentMinis
Well-Known Member
Good job, Kim, I hope this is a great day! I've been following this thread and I have to say it has been a big wakeup call for me and I thank you for sharing. I could see my husband wake up and do the same thing as Allen one day. My husband actually bought the Proper Care of Marriage book for me a few years ago and gave it to me to read, and I was irritated by that at first, but eventually read it. I can't honestly say I changed much though, and I know it has practical advice in it. I'll be rereading it now.
