This is going to be personal, but I have no one

[Denise]

I like your last post alot!

Your strong, sensitive, smart and courageous! It showed in your last post, you are strong and a survivor. You will get thru this with the help of your daughter and forum family.

How about a little vacation to east TX to see a little spotted horse? There's lots of room here and I love hay and horsie slobber and tracking mud into the house. If you want to get away, c'mon over, hubby is a great cook and loves to cook for company!

 

[Jeannie B]

Good for you Kim. I am glad your getting out there and not sitting at home thinking. Have fun!

Thats the ticket! Try not to show him how this upsets you!

Matbe he is testing you. I've been in this situation before too and it isn't fun!

My thoughts are with you!

 

[Sterling]

Well I have to say that you certainly have it together! You know what's important in life and being true to yourself and other people is what counts. You are right.....sometimes they don't notice how they themselves look, but they have to blame someone and it's not going to be them or how they look. In my book there's nothing wrong with hay in your hair, or mud on your boots....a lot of guys find it cute and attractive ....just be yourself Kim....you are showing by your posts that you are a strong woman. From the outside looking in there are things going on in Allen's mind that nothing will change right now. Only he can work them out.

If I were you I'd take Denise up on her offer!

A change of scenery and people do wonders for the inner soul! Keep doing what your doing and thinking the way you are no matter the outcome you are showing that you are a woman with inner strength.

 

[Bess Kelly]

.I like hay in my hair and manure on my boots!!! I like smelling like a horse and not perfume. I like comfy clothes better then anything. In the end, anything I did didn't matter to Allen at all. BUT....I will continue doing it when I go out when I feel like it as it does make ME feel better about myself. I will continue working on the ab lounge and watching what I eat in an effort to lose some weight. I am not in any hurry to find another man or get into another relationship. I don't even know any single men and wouldn't know where to even find one. If it's meant to be at some point (far into the future!), then it is. If not, I'll be fine without a man in my life.

Oh.....and Allen certainly doesn't look like some stud himself! All he ever wears is flannel shirts, Lee jeans and work boots. He's also gained some weight over the years. But you know what? The difference is that I love him regardless of what he looks like or what he wears. When you truly love someone, what they wear or how they look really doesn't matter. You love the inner person and don't notice the wrinkles or the extra weight. I guess that's the difference between the 2 of us, he doesn't truly love me at all. Probably never has!!

This will help you!! You need to keep your own level of depression from increasing. Making the effort to keep your own self feeling good about yourself will do wonders. He is definately showing all the signs of depression. Time apart can help each of you to look at the entire situation. May or may not improve it but, probably won't hurt it! (I, too like hay and horse slobbers & WM

)

My own situation of working at home, not "dressing up" for the office, growing out of many outfits, not doing makeup often, etc., etc., has become apparant to me of late -- and I don't even have a hubby!!!! You do begin to think that you have no interest, no life, no friends, no reason. Get up, feed, work, feed, go to bed. It can suddenly occur to you that you have an issue. With no on else here it is apparant that the ISSUE is me -- for him he finds it easier to have YOU & LIFE IN GENERAL be the issue.

Take care of yourself first. Try to get & keep yourself in that "I like me" mode --- assist your children --- attempt to work with a really good family counselor (even going alone helps!). The marriage may be redeemable, it may not but you can save your soul. You are a good person and deserve a good life. It may even be better without his daily presence. Hard to handle, I know but, it may be! He may also realize that he does love his family once he can get out of the state he is in -- he definately loved you, they don't stay this long otherwise. Right now, he doesn't love himself. I suspect the word he is feeling and cannot grasp is "passion" not love....depression creates boredom and loss of all interest.

We are all here for you!!!!!!!!!!!! Take it one day at a time. ((((HUGS))))

 

[SunQuest]

Oh Kim,

Why is it that at around the late teens of marriage one spouse often thinks they no longer love their spouse and they then think that there is a better person for them "out there". Sigh.... Sending you warm thoughts and hugs. All things happen for a reason, and one way or the other things will get better for you. (((hugs)))

And honestly, if I didn't have hay in my hair and horse smell on me I would be so miserable that no one would be able to live with me! Laughs. But glad that you are dressing up. You deserve to look nice and have others notice you.

 

[Elsa]

I've been following this thread and have been contemplating replying. I can't say that I've been in your exact situation, but I was in a relationship for a few years that eventually took the same path your marriage seems to be heading. I fought to keep the relationship going, and meanwhile, my then boyfriend was just not interested in making it work. He told me he stayed with me "just because" and he didn't want to hurt me. I got the same speech you got "i don't love you anymore, I just want to do my own thing..." I finally realized there was nothing I could do to change his mind, so needless to say we split up. Afterwards, we argued alot, mostly about possessions and such. Once everything was cleared up, I decided to completely erase him from my life as I was just going crazy wanting someone who wanted nothing to do with me. Fast forward a year and now he is the one calling me, wanting to see me, talk etc. He admitted he didn't realize what he had at the time until he gave it up, and once he'd had his bit of fun, that was it. We didn't get back together because I chose not to go back to him as he had completely ruined my trust, but I guess what I'm trying to say is there is always hope. As you said, let something free, and if it comes back..... He just have to realize it on his own. First and foremost, please preserve your own sanity. ((Hugs))

 

[MeadowRidge Farm]

I love your response..that you love the inner person and dont care about the extra weight or wrinkles. I would feel very uncomfortable if I had to get all dolled up just to run to the feed mill or wal-mart..I dont think I would go. It just would not be me..the real me! If someone isn't comfortable with the way I am , so be it..that's there prerogative.

 

[lvponies]

I know I'm not blameless for whatever has made Allen so unhappy, but I blame him for never ever talking to me about what was bothering him. I can't fix something if I don't know what's broken. According to him, he has been feeling this unhappy for a very long time. Allen's problem is that he is unable to talk about his feelings. We rarely had fights as I was the only one who would ever get mad about something. As I yelled at him, he just sat there and didn't say a word. He never complains about anything, never asks for anything. Unfortunately, I am not a mind reader so don't know what's going on in his brain. I am ticked off that he never even gave us a chance to fix the problems. He just stewed over it forever and then out of the blue, says it's over, he's miserable and that he doesn't love me. I don't think that's fair at all!!! Maybe I could have fixed something, maybe not, but he never even gave me a chance and that's not right!!



I'm leaving everything on him. If he wants to discuss the house, selling his things, whatever, he's going to have to start that conversation. I'm not the one who wants out after all. Since he doesn't like to talk about stuff, it's going to take alot for him to approach me about this. If he calls me on the phone, I'm going to tell him that I refuse to talk about it on the phone. He's going to have to talk to me in person, or I'm not talking about it at all!! So there....Allen!!! Be a man and tell me to my face that you don't love me and never did. Put up with my tears and confusion face to face.

[/FONT]

Ok.....I'm getting a little irked now! Not all the way to mad yet, but the anger helps dissipate the pain somewhat. At least for this exact minute in time!!!

 

 

 


I just cannot express in words how very much the support from my forum family has meant to me!! If I didn't have you.....I don't know what I'd do. You all are the absolute best!!!

 




 

 

 

[Reble]

Sometimes you have to grow further apart to keep growing together.

Unknown.

I cannot change the way I am,

I never really try,

God made me different and unique,

I never ask him why.

If I appear peculiar,

There's nothing I can do,

You must accept me as I am,

As I've accepted you.

God made a casting of each life,

Then threw the old away,

Each child is different from the rest,

Unlike as night from day.

So often we will criticize,

The things that others do,

But, do you know, they do not think,

The same as me and you.

So God in all his wisdom,

Who knows us all by name,

He didn't want us to be bored,

That's why we're not the same

~Author Unknown~

Thinking of you in your time of need.

I agree, he has the ball, let him have the next play.

 

[Rebecca]

You are a very strong woman.

*Hugs* to you, to be able to go on as you are requires plenty of strength. Glad you came to talk on here, we all care about you and want to help you. s

 

[lvponies]

I did one of the hardest things I have ever done tonight. I made dinner for the first time since Allen said he wanted to dump me. The 3 of us sat down at the table to eat together. Talk about being so awkward!!! Everyone was pleasant, spoke about the weather, stuff that happened at his job, stuff happening at my daughter's high school. I barely touched the food on my plate. Allen is acting like nothing is going on, everything is fine in our family. Is he really that dense? Or just trying to keep things calm here until he makes his break?? I mean he has said that he still cares about me and what happens to me, just doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be married to me. He even hung around after dinner to chit chat with me while I cleaned up. I couldn't take that, cleaned up real quick and ran out of the kitchen. He has destroyed me and acts like everything is just hunky dory and perfectly normal. I don't get it!! It hurts me just to be around him.

 

[Reble]

So sorry you are going through this,

Not sure what to tell you,

Keeping you in my thoughts and

This too will pass

 

[GMAMINIS]

Sorry you are going thru this. As hard as it seems now, things will get better and easier for you.

 

[Izzyantheminis]

Men are really weird sometimes.I don't know why they act like that.It's a real mystery.

But I think your husband is really mixed up.More than he himself realizes.

It sounds like he doesn't want to lose your friendship.

It could also be that he's on a slight high from having finally told you what he had been dreading to say for so long.it's a big load off of him.

But he isn't considering how deeply his actions and words have hurt you.

(((HUGS))) for you.

 

[minih]

Very good advice just given from Mary Lou.

you must look after your best interest now..

 

[mini1]

Remember this: You are an INTELLIGENT, STRONG, BEAUTIFUL, CARING, TALENTED woman!!!!!!!!

You will get through this. If you cant handle having him around, tell him not to come over. If he doesn't need "things" to be happy tell him you would be glad to sell his stuff and see that the money was put to "good use".

Keep getting "dolled-up", let your 15 yr old help you it will be good for the both of you emotionally. Go to school events, if you have a local or state miniature horse club, attend meetings, talk to people, you will have lots of friends in your area before you know it.

Don't worry about making hay or repairs on the farm, it will all get done. There are always high school kids looking to make some extra money in the summer. If you call a handy-man ad, ask for references then talk to his clients or ask some other parents at ball games if they could recommend someone.

Shoot, ask us if you have a problem, I'am sure most everyone would be willing to walk you through how to fix, install etc... if you can't find someone there.

Anyway, don't let anyone force you to do something you don't really want to do and DON'T EVER let anyone make you think you are unattractive or unlovable or unwanted.

Look how many people took the time to send you hugs, and you said you didn't have any friends.

Kelly

 

[lvponies]

Here I sit at 3:30 AM unable to sleep. I'm fine if I can get to sleep, but if anything wakes me up, that's it.....brain starts spinning around & around and I can't fall back to sleep. Still looking for my brain's on/off switch! It's going to be a long, long day!!

I don't know if Allen is seeing someone else or not. He says he's not. Even after dumping me, he's still coming home at normal times and following his normal patterns. He's not on the phone at all when home, no strange phone calls here. I would think, since the marriage is over in his eyes, that if he were seeing someone else, he would be coming home later & later because of spending time with his new love. He could be talking with whomever on his cell phone when he's not here. I just don't know!! The mom of one of my daughter's friends called tonight. She is a psychologist and I told her what I have been going through. We've decided that he is probably getting ready to have an affair. He's been watching what he eats, is losing weight & broke up with me. I don't think he'd cheat on me as his brother has cheated on his wife numerous times and he is disgusted by his behavior and how he treats his wife. So.....I just don't know. He could be cheating and I'd never know.

Really, really wish this had never happened. I just want my old life back!! It wasn't perfect, but I liked it as it was.

 

[Mom2Cami]

So there....Allen!!! Be a man and tell me to my face that you don't love me and never did. Put up with my tears and confusion face to face.

Hi, I've been following this post and my heart just aches for you..but, I must say..YOU GO GIRL!!!! I smiled when I read this part of your post.

 

[Sandy S.]

COME ON KIM, YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH!!!!!

HUGS AND SUPPORT.

 

[Field-of-Dreams]

I like your last post alot!

Your strong, sensitive, smart and courageous! It showed in your last post, you are strong and a survivor. You will get thru this with the help of your daughter and forum family.

How about a little vacation to east TX to see a little spotted horse? There's lots of room here and I love hay and horsie slobber and tracking mud into the house. If you want to get away, c'mon over, hubby is a great cook and loves to cook for company!

Yup, take the Texas tour. Plenty of space here, too!

We're all pulling for you- you can do it!

Lucy